ThrowawayForMe's recent activity
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you, I'm following up on this. If I run into issues, I will be in touch with you.Thank you, I'm following up on this. If I run into issues, I will be in touch with you.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentNot minor at all. We started with split accounts, but nobody was watching the accounts or tracking spending. We joined accounts to try and curb that, which worked until it didn't. Then they began...Not minor at all. We started with split accounts, but nobody was watching the accounts or tracking spending. We joined accounts to try and curb that, which worked until it didn't. Then they began blaming me for not watching spending, which prompted me to tell them we'd be splitting accounts again. My peace of mind about that decision is immeasurable.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentYes, I've taken yesterday and today for bereavement leave. It's been extraordinarily helpful. I visited my family yesterday, and with friends today. I really needed the time to process everything...does your work offer bereavement leave?
Yes, I've taken yesterday and today for bereavement leave. It's been extraordinarily helpful. I visited my family yesterday, and with friends today. I really needed the time to process everything and help keep my emotions in check.
Is counseling something that might be available to you right now?
I believe I may have that option through work, but I need to look into it.
I think anyone who knows you well will be aware of your situation, and will want to do what they can to support you at such a difficult time.
This is exactly what I'm finding. I'm grateful I've worked to build up a strong support network through the years and maintain close friendships. Investing in the people around you pays off when you need them most. I'm so, so grateful to my mom, my close friends, and even those people I only know online whom I've been leaning on for support.
I think I'm handling things the best I can, given the situation.
It might be helpful to let your partner know that you are really devastated and just need some space for a few days, and to just give you some time to work through it.
I have a space. I also feel guilty being away from my son in this space though. He's also enamored with this new addition, of course. It's a cute cuddly kitten - what child wouldn't love that? Any negative reaction I have about it immediately makes me the bad guy. I'm doing what I can to give my partner as little to use against me as I can.
To everyone who has been reading, supporting, writing back to me: Thank you. Know that I read each reply and consider every piece of advice you give. I hope to come with better news soon. I know my goal, I see the path, I need to take the steps to walk it.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you - I have a friend in a similar situation that's been a godsend of empathy and sympathy for me. Their words echo your own. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it is comforting to know...Thank you - I have a friend in a similar situation that's been a godsend of empathy and sympathy for me. Their words echo your own. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it is comforting to know others have experienced it before and can help me through this.
I appreciate your perspective, and am wishing you the best as well. I have a hard journey ahead. We have the strength to carry through and the support of those around us for when our strength may falter.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkWell, fuck. After the kitten debacle yesterday, I was already feeling angry and ignored. Highly emotional. And then my mom messages me. My stepbrother, who'd been diagnosed with cancer just last...Well, fuck. After the kitten debacle yesterday, I was already feeling angry and ignored. Highly emotional. And then my mom messages me. My stepbrother, who'd been diagnosed with cancer just last week, had died. I'm heartbroken. I tried going in to work the next day but I'm sobbing the entire drive and end up calling in. I gather myself, visit with my family, and pull my son out of school early to spend time with him.
Then this evening the friend arrives with the cat. It put me over an edge. I grabbed my coat and left.
I've been sitting in the library for a couple hours now, messaging friends and trying to figure out how to mentally compose myself. If I were at home I'd likely be saying some ugly things. When my partner eventually realized I had left, and messaged me, I told them we were through. "Wow ok. Strong words. I told you the cat was coming it was wrong timing I understand." It's not just the cat, I replied. "Ok well I don’t know how to change you changed us deciding to separate bank accounts. I am not talking about this"
I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm so fortunate in my friends. Without them I'd truly be off the mental deep end.
I'll return home when things are calmed down. I'm taking another day off tomorrow to collect myself. I'm not sure what to do from here. Custody laws in my area mean that I basically don't get custody if I leave without an arrangement, and getting an arrangement is much harder if I leave now.
I don't know what to do next except to keep doing what I've been doing. One thing I do know is I'm not putting their breakfast and lunch together anymore.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentNo, this is a same sex (my partner is cis-het) friend. Their child is also close friends with one of ours. It's funny you mention about it being my partner getting the kitten, because that's what...It isn't quite clear, this friend getting the kitten lives with your partner? Or it's really your partner getting the kitten?
No, this is a same sex (my partner is cis-het) friend. Their child is also close friends with one of ours. It's funny you mention about it being my partner getting the kitten, because that's what I feel is happening. It's a convenient excuse to get what they wanted anyways. They've already bought the kitten food before it's even gotten here.
Do you really want to explore continuing to live with that situation?
No.
It doesn't look like they want to give you that.
No.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkI've been thinking about having a talk with my partner again. I want to see where they want this relationship to go. We've only grown further apart over the last 2-3 months. I keep having dreams...I've been thinking about having a talk with my partner again. I want to see where they want this relationship to go. We've only grown further apart over the last 2-3 months. I keep having dreams where things change and they become who they used to be again.
Today I got word that their friend has followed through on something they'd been talking to the kids about - getting a kitten. "I didn't know they were serious about doing that." I didn't even know it was a discussion. I've made it very clear that we don't need any more animals in the house. We can't afford them and the house is already a disaster. I know my partner still wanted to get a new pet, despite barely taking care of the other ones.
So now here we are with another pet on the way. I'm livid because at no point was I a part of this conversation. My partner is either playing dumb about not being involved or just really wants a new pet and doesn't care. I find it ridiculous and completely out of line. Of course, my feelings were brushed aside.
I'm feeling small lately, and only getting smaller. I know I will get through this, I just wish things were different. (cue the quote from LOTR - "So do all who live to see such times.")
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkIt's New Year's Eve. I visited a friend of mine yesterday. It was a good time with her, chatting and catching up. I took some time trying to teach her daughter to crochet, and we made healing jars...It's New Year's Eve.
I visited a friend of mine yesterday. It was a good time with her, chatting and catching up. I took some time trying to teach her daughter to crochet, and we made healing jars and had a cord cutting - she's into some witchy things. I don't buy into the supernatural stuff but it certainly felt good reconnecting.
Last night my partner said they were going to have drinks after a hard day at work. This felt really out of character for them. I called to check in, make sure they were alright - they said yes, just a difficult day and they were meeting up with someone they knew for drinks.
Today, we're going to celebrate New Year's Eve apart. I can feel the distance growing faster. I have mixed feelings about it - on the one hand, I saw it coming and I prepared the best I could; on the other, I have a gut feeling I'm going to end up hurting a lot at some point as whatever feelings I might not be registering come tumbling out. It's why I keep writing here. It gives me a place to spill my mind and then later come back and reorganize it. I'd start a journal, but it doesn't write back to me with another perspective.
All this to say that it's been really interesting to realize my partner is now right back at the point they were at when I first met them - in a dead end relationship. I've been wondering if this is a pattern for them - the intensity early on, then waning interest, a lack of introspection, and giving up instead of trying to solve the problem.
Unfortunately, they've had a really awful early life both romantically and sexually - lots of abuse. So much abuse. How does this affect individuals later on? I find myself wondering what things lay beneath the surface that affect them without even realizing. I hope they find peace.
It's New Year's Eve.
I'm filled with a sort of cautious, optimistic hope for the coming year. I know things won't be easy. I'm used to adversity, I'll overcome. I can do what is hard because it is right. I'm terrified, but all I can do is try.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkIt's been a while since I updated. Not a lot has changed, and yet everything has changed. We've finalized separating our finances. It was a bit of a chore with the bank to un-joint our account,...It's been a while since I updated. Not a lot has changed, and yet everything has changed.
We've finalized separating our finances. It was a bit of a chore with the bank to un-joint our account, but here we are. I've reached a sort of resigned acceptance that they aren't going to try and mend things. I went for a hug yesterday with a "Merry Christmas" and they almost fell over avoiding it.
We don't sit together. We don't talk together. We don't... anything, anymore. That part I've grown to accept. The hardest part for me lately is wanting to move on. I don't want things to fester into resentment.
Christmas has otherwise been alright. The kids are happy and healthy and that's what matters. I'm looking forward to a new year filled with growth, change - renaissance.
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Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI'm a bit late to this, but something in my gut said to check my messages even though I don't feel I have much to add right now. Thank you for allowing me in your thoughts, I truly feel that it's...I'm a bit late to this, but something in my gut said to check my messages even though I don't feel I have much to add right now. Thank you for allowing me in your thoughts, I truly feel that it's with the help of kind hearted people like you, @chocobean, and more that I've been able to handle my situation so well. I'll post another update soon.
Wishing you the best on this Christmas Day.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you - it's good to point out potential problems, maybe not just for me but for anyone else who happens to be reading too. I'm glad it's brought up and addressed. Also I had a moment today...Thank you - it's good to point out potential problems, maybe not just for me but for anyone else who happens to be reading too. I'm glad it's brought up and addressed.
Also I had a moment today that made me think about this... I had a rough night and was trying to rest on the couch (read: nap, but I can't really ever nap...) and my son came over with a blanket to cover me up.
He's got such a big heart. He's always looking after others. I stressed for a moment though - was it wrong for that to happen?
Like you say though, one time like that isn't bad... Prolonged though, and it becomes a problem.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe (edited )Link ParentOh absolutely not. I don't want to give too much detail but I have a lot of experience around this topic and I will not be engaging in parentification. As you said, it's something which will...I just want to make it clear that I don't really think you want to treat your child as a partner.
Oh absolutely not. I don't want to give too much detail but I have a lot of experience around this topic and I will not be engaging in parentification. As you said, it's something which will definitely drive a wedge between the relationship and lead to toxic behaviors.
It's a good thing to point out when others may be heading down that path, so I applaud you for taking a stand.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentBeing wrong is the first step to being right! Thank you for your insight.Being wrong is the first step to being right! Thank you for your insight.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentOh no please don't misunderstand what I mean - that isn't my intention at all. I'm still very much the parent and they are still very much a child.Oh no please don't misunderstand what I mean - that isn't my intention at all. I'm still very much the parent and they are still very much a child.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI didn't mean to come off as rude about it either - I think we're both coming from a similar background here. I see your intentions are good.I didn't mean to come off as rude about it either - I think we're both coming from a similar background here. I see your intentions are good.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI'm very curious why you say that. I don't disagree, to be clear - one of the myriad things I think soured my the relationship between my partner and I is that they always (always) put their kids...That's a too big responsibility for a child and one of those things that in my opinion really can ruin a parent/child relationship.
I'm very curious why you say that. I don't disagree, to be clear - one of the myriad things I think soured my the relationship between my partner and I is that they always (always) put their kids first. It's admirable when you see it initially, but when you realize that it manifests as ignoring many other things I can see it as damaging for the parent involved. For the child?
(It is not easy to explain exactly what I mean by this, or what set of my alarm clocks. But if you want I can try and figure it out together with you.)
If you're up for it I wouldn't mind rabbit-holing down this way. As stated above, I could see how it can sour other relationship opportunities in life. Does it also potentially create an unhealthy dependency between parent/child? Is there a way to create a healthier bond that is still exceptional and special?
I understand it is difficult to show up for yourself every day, but unfortunately I think that is what you have to do now (and in the end I truly believe that you, your child and even the world will be better for it).
I know I've said before in this thread that I've had my battle with depression before. I may be entering a depressive episode for now. I'm still pushing forward, still working on my goals - in fact, having those goals and trying to stick to them has been motivating - and refuse to bottle up my thoughts and feelings like I used to.
The tone in this last sentence comes across as a bit patronizing, I'm choosing to read it as a "chin up, face the day, and get on with it" kind of message. That's exactly what I intend to do.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkJust being hit by more different feelings. It's like, those first few weeks I was fueled by... Not anger? But more like disbelief and shock. Fueled by passion of a different sort. I was motivated...Just being hit by more different feelings. It's like, those first few weeks I was fueled by... Not anger? But more like disbelief and shock. Fueled by passion of a different sort. I was motivated to get myself to a place where I felt comfortable again. And I did - I achieved a lot and have put myself into a space where I can feel safe taking a breath.
That space though has allowed for other thoughts and feelings to come out. Lately a lot of what I'm feeling is a sense of loss. I miss cuddling, hugging, kissing. I miss saying I love you. I miss connection. I have it with my kid, others in my life, but not in a romantic way.
It feels like we're both actively avoiding each other. We don't touch anymore, we don't talk anymore, we exist in completely different areas of the house. The strangest thing about that is that it isn't really much different from how we were before. It's different now with it being more intentional.
It feels awful. We still share the same spaces but we don't exist for each other.
My in laws are planning a trip for in June. They've always done a summer trip for the whole family - get all the cousins together and get out somewhere in nature. The planning feels so hollow now. I'm looking forward to spending time with all the kids, and talking with my FIL and BIL, but I also feel it's going to be weird announcing that we're done, since if it isn't obvious by now to everyone then it will be at that point.
Another part of me is wondering how they're feeling. Clearly they're checked out; they don't talk to me about anything except business, and still aren't making any attempt to fix things... Not surprising I guess.
I wonder sometimes if they're already looking for someone else. Or thinking about it. Our relationship now is where they were at with their ex when we met.
Small aside but I also am worried for myself. I genuinely believe that I am a better person when I'm in a relationship. My mental health is better, I look after myself more, I take care of important things in my life more diligently. I can't really explain why, it's just a trend I've noticed over the years. I always put more effort into living when I have someone to share that life with.
Maybe I can make that person I share life with be my kid instead. I'm not quite there yet. I don't know.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you for the well wishes. I've been a bit more emotional lately, especially in those quiet hours of the night when I can't sleep. I've been having a lot of dreams where things turn around, my...Thank you for the well wishes. I've been a bit more emotional lately, especially in those quiet hours of the night when I can't sleep.
I've been having a lot of dreams where things turn around, my partner decides to put effort in, and we're able to continue forward as a couple. Then I wake up and it's all just a picture of a reality I don't have. Those are my moments of doubt, of questioning "am I doing what's right?"
I'm still firmly believing that I'm on the right track, not just for myself and my own future but for that of my child as well. They deserve to have a financially stable parent that can help support them.
My partner has continued to spend hundreds on Amazon and PayPal over the past few weeks. I just can't comprehend it. We're still very civil to each other and aim to help each other but all the love is gone. I want to tell them they're going down the same road to ruin again, but they ignored me all these years...
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentInteresting metaphor! Re EU5, it has good bones though I think it needs a little more patching before I want to sink in more time. It is making me want to play my backlog of Vic3 and Ck3 a bit...Interesting metaphor! Re EU5, it has good bones though I think it needs a little more patching before I want to sink in more time. It is making me want to play my backlog of Vic3 and Ck3 a bit more though. I trust in the paradox process.
I monitor my own credit but I haven't considered the kids. I don't think my partner would ever do anything so drastic as to screw their own kids that way - for all their flaws, they are immensely devoted to the kids.
That being said, I should be able to check on their credit the same way I check on mine? Correct?
I wish you luck and strength on your own journey.