ThrowawayForMe's recent activity
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you, your perspective is invaluable. I'll have a lot of emotions to process over the coming weeks and months and years. Just take it a step at a time. I feel happiest at work, where I know I...Thank you, your perspective is invaluable. I'll have a lot of emotions to process over the coming weeks and months and years. Just take it a step at a time. I feel happiest at work, where I know I am making a genuine difference and positive change in the world. I want to bring that energy into my own life.
You spoke of big changes being a sort of rebirth - that's something I know well, too. It seems my life is full of them, and that this is yet another turning point... Which of course immediately puts Green Day's "Good Riddance" into my head.
I've been listening to a lot of breakup songs (and notable, the entirety of "Rumors" by Fleetwood Mac). Music truly is my place for working through difficult feelings. I wonder what it was for you?
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you for both your kind words (@cheep_cheep in see you don't see this). The boat analogy is such a great way to look at it and I really feel like I've been the main one paddling for a while...Thank you for both your kind words (@cheep_cheep in see you don't see this). The boat analogy is such a great way to look at it and I really feel like I've been the main one paddling for a while now. Note I don't say only one... It gets exhausting feeling like I'm the one putting in most of the effort though.
I'll look into counseling, I believe I should have resources available. I'm lucky I have good friends and family to rely on and talk to. It's been invaluable. I know I've said enough when I don't want to tell anyone anything more and instead want time to process things myself.
I'm taking some time to go out with friends this weekend and spend more time with my son. It'll be good for me. Thanks everyone, I'll keep putting updates in here for major things or even just to talk about difficulties.
One thought I've been having (well, two connected thoughts) is dealing with loneliness again and what I'll feel if/when my partner starts dating again in the future. Statistically they are far more likely to find someone else in any given time frame than I am, and I know it's a stupid and useless thought, but it does cross my mind.
Loneliness is what I've been feeling a lot of already anyways, that I can handle and mitigate to an extent. The other feeling I have not handled well historically.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkAn update for those keeping tabs here. I finally got to have a sit down talk with my partner, though it felt like twisting their arm to do so. I started off restating my core issue: that I feel...An update for those keeping tabs here.
I finally got to have a sit down talk with my partner, though it felt like twisting their arm to do so. I started off restating my core issue: that I feel our connection, our relationship, is falling or has fallen apart and we need to work to rebuild it. I figured that everything else is secondary to that.
Main takeaways were that they feel I've been "weird" and ignoring them for the last two weeks. The last time I showed affection was when I posted about cuddling, the last time I said "I love you" it was ignored. They also stated that they felt they hadn't changed at all over the last 8 years we've been together, I tried pointing out how much has changed though. They stated kids growing up changes things; I stated that doesn't mean we need to ignore our relationship as a couple. They stated they felt I was putting it all on them; I said I've been trying to point out issues and offer solutions for ages to no avail, and they don't try to solve anything I talk about unless it involves money. They stated with regards to affection that they "just aren't like that" - ignoring the near complete 180 over the years in how they show affection.
Overall it felt like a lot of walls and deflection. I feel these are defenses to make it easier to justify a break - making it seem less their fault and more mine in their eyes. This is eerily similar to the kinds of stories I got about their Ex who, in my experience, is actually a quite decent person though sometimes completely oblivious to the obvious. There was never any anger there, and there isn't really any anger here either.
I've heard it said the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I don't really feel sad, or angry; I don't hate them, I don't despise them. I don't really know what I feel right now except stress.
I do feel my path forward has been made clearer. I told my partner that I'd love to see an effort to change things over the next year. I still love them, I said (nevermind that they didn't say it back) and I want to give them a way to return to a place of love. That seemed to go nowhere.
I talked about how we'd be splitting our finances again immediately. I'm going to open a bank account and move my deposits there asap. I already took myself off the authorized user lists of the cards she added me onto. I've been having a lot of talks about this with a good friend of mine who recently went through a similar separation and they've been guiding me on next steps.
I'm very grateful to the friends and family I have been able to lean on during this time, and for you here and your perspectives and ideas. I hope I bring better news next time.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI usually do a lot of cycling! Lately I haven't had the time, will, or energy - and with the weather turning, it's becoming harder to do any of that.I usually do a lot of cycling! Lately I haven't had the time, will, or energy - and with the weather turning, it's becoming harder to do any of that.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThey are confrontation avoidant.They are confrontation avoidant.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI'm feeling it most when I need to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping the last few months - I thought it was stress from a new job but it's likely compounded by the other feelings I'm...I'm feeling it most when I need to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping the last few months - I thought it was stress from a new job but it's likely compounded by the other feelings I'm having. I've been severely depressed before, to the point of staring into the abyss a few times. I can feel myself sliding and creeping towards that. I never, ever want to return to that place.
I'm going to focus on finding a way forward now. I feel I have my answers, if nothing changes in my partners communication, tone, and intention. I feel I've been clear, direct, and purposeful.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you, it's why I kept pushing to talk instead. I'm not even that good at speaking my feelings. I just know it's easier to clear up miscommunications and convey that nuance you mentioned.Thank you, it's why I kept pushing to talk instead. I'm not even that good at speaking my feelings. I just know it's easier to clear up miscommunications and convey that nuance you mentioned.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI looked through - I don't believe it qualifies for the disorder, though. Not enough markers. With some introspection about it, I feel it's more just a consequence of the constant spending and...For the hoarding, it wouldn't hurt to quickly skim the DSM-V diagnostic criteria, but it sounds like a match from your description (assuming the underlying cause is not another health condition). It's a very difficult disorder to apply an effective treatment plan to, and you would want to find a therapist who specializes in it. This is assuming you can get your partner to be "on board" with this at some point.
I looked through - I don't believe it qualifies for the disorder, though. Not enough markers. With some introspection about it, I feel it's more just a consequence of the constant spending and buying of things. I'm wondering if it's actually a shopping addiction.
The "deciding moment" may never come. Life is not a coin flip - especially when it comes to emotions and relationships. You will always have thoughts about "what if", regardless of your decision. This does not make you a bad person or suggest you made the "wrong choice."
I think today that coin flip happened. I offered to try counseling, and asked again for her to look past the money problems and instead look at us for a moment. Completely shut down the counseling idea and again ignored any comment about feelings between us. Only focused on financials.
I feel I've tried about everything I can. I don't know what I might be missing.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI brought this up today. "No, counseling sucked I hated it, never doing it again." So that answers that. I feel I'm trying so hard and getting nothing I'm asking for back.I brought this up today. "No, counseling sucked I hated it, never doing it again." So that answers that.
I feel I'm trying so hard and getting nothing I'm asking for back.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentYesterday was mostly radio silence. This morning I tried at least cuddling. Nothing was given back, just stonewalling. I asked them about counseling, they said "No, counseling sucked I'm never...Yesterday was mostly radio silence. This morning I tried at least cuddling. Nothing was given back, just stonewalling. I asked them about counseling, they said "No, counseling sucked I'm never doing it again." I asked about working on anything else alongside the money, which is all they're focused on right now. Nothing.
"If I have to fix the money by myself then that's what I'll do."
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI know they won't. It was abundantly clear in communication yesterday. All they focused on was the financials, telling me that's what we need to fix because for them, it's most important. Not us....Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like they want to address it with you together.
I know they won't. It was abundantly clear in communication yesterday. All they focused on was the financials, telling me that's what we need to fix because for them, it's most important.
Not us. In a way I see their point - trying to give stability for the kids... However in my eyes it's just a loveless marriage at that point, which my partner hated about their own parents marriage. Yet, here we are. I refuse to be in that kind of relationship.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentReplying to you since you're top comment, and one who really highlighted alternatives. Yesterday evening was tough. I detailed it in another top level comment. After that text chain, nothing got...Replying to you since you're top comment, and one who really highlighted alternatives.
Yesterday evening was tough. I detailed it in another top level comment. After that text chain, nothing got addressed in person because they went to bed immediately after coming home from the oldest child's practice. I still got up, made everyone breakfast and lunch in the morning, and got their bags ready. It's routine by now.
Not feeling so good.
I'd like to talk about what you brought up as well. I appreciate your views, always have had a lot of respect for you.
Your partner's father sounds like an excellent candidate: he was already a mentor about financial things, and he might have insights on why your partner is like this with money. He'll be biased, for sure, but he also understands you're a positive figure in the life of his daughter and his grandchildren. Take him up on it, invite him over, go out on a camping trip or something just the two of you, get some male bonding and moments of adult sanity.
This is something we'd already been planning for the future. I fear it's a bit late now. My partner's attitude towards money is something they're very much aware of; it was a constant issue in their previous relationship as well. Nothing new.
The more I think on it, the more it's apparent that they have a shopping addiction. They've been on home shopping network style streams for years and our account is a constant list of paypal and affirm purchases. I use neither.
What's the underlying reason for why they are this way with money? You don't have to share with us, but if there are mental health challenges or addiction or spending is how they deal with traumatic grief or whatever, that might need to be addressed. Is this perhaps possibly temporary?
With some introspection last night I really feel it is an addiction of sorts. We used to focus on each other, spend our evenings crafting together and watching shows and movies. As the kids got older and spent more time with us instead of their father, we had less of this time for each other. It's slowly morphed into our new norm: they spend their time watching a show on a laptop, with a shopping stream playing alongside; I spend my time with either reading or gaming. We don't spend any time together.
We have to compare everything we have now, to loneliness, to being dating again, the complications from future partners, driving your kid to ex, court dates, juggling new relationships and if they get along with child, moving, etc.
This is what I'm most worried about. I am the product of an extremely toxic divorce. I overcame all of that, and had plenty of mental health issues stemming from it which I worked through. I never wanted my child to go through that.
The home will always be messy perhaps, but is it dirty and dangerous for health, or is it a place where the children feel free to experience life and celebrate each other and use up the resources and know their new hobby obsessions are supported?
This was how it was for some time. Things kept piling up, and nothing got taken out. Places in the home fell into disrepair, and we never had money (or time) to get them fixed. It's slowly morphing into a health hazard; I want to take drastic action. I won't have time for that for many months though.
There are perfectly clean homes where the children always walk softly, always whisper, and the couch is never to be sat on and the perfect doilies never touched, where the parents sit on millions but the children eat expired beans bought on sale.
Ah yes my childhood. My father was this way. My mother was a depressed hoarder. She's better now, my father isn't.
How is your child doing? Is your child better served by you guys working on it, or will they fare better even with a move, being driven back and forth, having less time with step-siblings, your attention split and distracted by new romances and potentially added step-siblings or new bio kids?
They need so much better structure and support. Examples:
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At age 6 they still sleep in our bed. My partner never made an effort (I did) to get them to sleep in their own room. Now that room is for one of the older children and we have no spare space.
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They are given unrestricted access to a device/youtube if I'm not around. If I am and try to change that, my child just goes to my partner to get it changed.
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They are constantly fed snacks and candies, and despite me trying to push meals and healthier foods they know they can just run to my partner to change it.
Edit: I acknowledge this is a lot of negativity. I'm having a hard time seeing the positives at this moment.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkWell, I was going to take the time to go through responses tonight and discuss things - sorry, I have a hectic work day - fate seems to have forced a hand though. We maxed out a card, which...Well, I was going to take the time to go through responses tonight and discuss things - sorry, I have a hectic work day - fate seems to have forced a hand though.
We maxed out a card, which prompted my partner to a ask (through text, since they're out) what was up. I explained this is exactly what I tried warning them about weeks and days ago. They blamed me for not managing the money well enough. I laid my feelings bare.
I probably didn't phrase things perfectly. I probably didn't do everything right. Nobody can. I did my best to say what I felt.
Their response - they're pissed of course, but they also said we can't work things out until the debt issues are solved... I responded that no, it was all tied up together.
I didn't expect it to go as the book says, "slowly, and then all at once".
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentYou're absolutely right and it's something I have already stated, earlier this month even. I'll need to reiterate it. Of course you're right about the kids. We share some debts but I have no stake...And I think you owe it to your partner to communicate to them clearly that you're so close to the end of your rope.
You're absolutely right and it's something I have already stated, earlier this month even. I'll need to reiterate it.
Of course you're right about the kids. We share some debts but I have no stake in the property(ies). I don't really even care about that at this point.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI'd be open to it, my worry is this is something they tried in their last marriage and they seemed dismissive about it. I'm not sure if it would help here. I'm not sure what would help. Edit:...I'd be open to it, my worry is this is something they tried in their last marriage and they seemed dismissive about it. I'm not sure if it would help here. I'm not sure what would help.
Edit: changed pronouns cause oops. Additional note: something I've become increasingly aware of in the relationship is that they have an extremely difficult time with self reflection/introspection.
Additionally, it would be yet another expense that I don't think we can afford at the moment.
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Struggling in my relationship
Preface: Sorry if this isn't the place, and if I'm cagey on some specifics. Also sorry for the length, this turned out a lot longer than I anticipated. My partner and I have been together for...
Preface: Sorry if this isn't the place, and if I'm cagey on some specifics. Also sorry for the length, this turned out a lot longer than I anticipated.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years at this point. This was my first serious, long-term committed relationship; every other one I'd had was short-lived (<3 months) and I hadn't exactly had a lot of them. Maybe this is why I was blind to the cracks until things got unavoidable.
It started off strong and passionate of course, and things moved rather quickly. We (they, I'm not on the title) bought a house and we were expecting a child within a year. I should have kept things slower, thought with my head instead of blindly following my heart. I'd been very lonely for a very long time. I was happy those first few years, even if in hindsight the cracks were beginning to show. Even before baby came along, intimacy fell off a cliff. I had many talks about this with them, which led nowhere much really. The rest of the relationship still felt solid to me though. I pressed on.
In the beginning, they had a better job than I did. I earned far less. Luckily an opportunity came up for me to finish my schooling and further my career, and I put a lot of work into achieving just that. Now things have changed with that, and I feel like we could be doing well together... If it weren't for the financial instability I feel they bring. I'd never been great with money, but my partner's father took me under his wing and taught me a lot of financial literacy. I became adept at putting together spreadsheets and managing our finances. Our first major crisis we overcame together through being very fiscally conservative and digging our way out. We also had several windfalls that helped us out. Then... another crisis, again because of overspending on their end. We pulled from our IRAs in order to stay afloat, with promises to do better. Then... another crisis. Again. Same reasons. We put together a loan against the home's equity. More promises.
We are again heading to a crisis. We are out of windfalls and options and frankly I'm exhausted.
Finally, parenting and housekeeping. I've always loved how my partner cares so much for their children (from a prior relationship) as well as ours. They have a way of making magical moments which I envy. This is contrasted by their complete inability to parent effectively. There's no consequences, no expectations, no boundaries, and it's infuriating. Initially it wasn't quite that bad, and I felt I had equal say in parenting. Over the years, that's eroded to my partner viewing me as authoritarian and domineering. The kids know they'll get their way with them so why would they ever come to me first?
Maybe it was the extra time during COVID but they also put more effort into housekeeping early on as well. Now I feel it mostly falls on my shoulders, and my will to clean and keep up is murdered by the fact that within hours it's a mess again. It isn't helped by the fact that my partner is a hoarder. I have to gut things from the house in secret. I haven't seen the corners of my walls in ages. I spent a week while they were away cleaning the home top to bottom last year. Within a day it looked like a bomb went off.
These are all things I've tried discussing with them, multiple times, over the years. I mostly get brushed off, or (what I feel now are) empty promises. Most infuriating to me is "I don't know what you want me to say." I want you to say what's in your heart, what you feel! Don't tell me something you think I want to hear, be honest.
I feel I know where this is going, I don't want to fall in the same trap I see many couples are in where it's clearly over and yet they keep moving along. We're not married, a clean break is reasonable, I know my partner can be mature about things because their relationship with their ex is amazingly calm and chill.
I'm terrified in a way of being alone again.
I don't really know where to turn for more perspective. I've already talked with my sister, and a close co-worker who is going through some of the same feelings I am. Those conversations have been very helpful. Recently, what really put things in stark contrast was the other day when my partner's father asked "So is everything ok between you two?" If he went out and asked, it means it's really obvious things are not ok.
I've been fantasizing a lot lately about what a split would be like. Making plans for where to go, and figuring out how to reconcile things like accounts, items, and debts. Worst of all I've been fantasizing about being with other people; the intimacy and passions has been gone between us for a long time. The last time my partner initiated anything between us was a year ago, and I don't even remember the time before that. Everything feels so wrong and unsatisfactory.
I told them yesterday we need a frank talk, and not through text this time - their preferred method of communication with me for a while now... But I have no idea when we even have time for that away from the kids.
Closing thought: I don't want to feel like I've pre-determined my outcome here. I feel I've done what I can though, to make my own feelings clear. Thank you for any thoughts.
48 votes
Small update, nothing major. I opened a new bank account for myself and now need to begin the process of migrating everything to it... As someone with adhd, this whole process is absolutely awful. I know it's essential, but UGH.
I spoke yesterday with my FIL about how things are, mainly focusing on finances and our relationship. He seems genuinely sad that we're likely heading for a split. We don't always see eye to eye but I have a lot of respect for him, and I think he for me. Reiterated that at this point, my financial concerns for my son's future are paramount in my mind.
My partner withdrew from their IRA to pay off their debts, and in the week or so since doing that they have already racked up over $1000 in additional credit card charges. That's the reality I had to deal with, that's what they told me to "Just fix." Yesterday I made the last payment from my (our) money on the mortgage. Now I focus on other things. If they want to spend, that's on them.
I talked about all this with my FIL, who agreed that it was wasteful, and that they've had many, many, many conversations with my partner about their spending, always to no avail. They've always had someone out something to rely on to bail them out.
I'm really looking forward to meeting a good friend tonight. I've been texting a lot with them about the situation, but we haven't had a chance to sit and talk in person. It'll be good for me.