ThrowawayForMe's recent activity
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
ThrowawayForMe LinkWell it's been a time. I've been trying to follow a lot of the advice here, some successfully (spending time with my son, keeping busy, refreshing my social life, etc) and some not (managing my...Well it's been a time. I've been trying to follow a lot of the advice here, some successfully (spending time with my son, keeping busy, refreshing my social life, etc) and some not (managing my emotions... hoo boy.) I'm happy I found a place in the busy center of my town, so that it's easy for me to go out and keep myself active. My son and I have been enjoying walking around town and visiting parks, shops, and the library. In the summer, the pool opens up and I've gotten us passes for it. I look forward to that - we'll have plenty of time to enjoy it.
I've also been working on rebuilding a social life. I've always been fairly social but with the schedule that's set for parenting time, I've had to shuffle some things. Luckily, that isn't a huge issue for me, though I think I'm going to have to drop one of my favorite group activities which makes me sad.
Emotionally I've been a wreck. My ex partner continues to lie about this other person, insisting they're "just a friend". I don't buy it - it reeks of denial, deflection, and projection. They have made only one new friend in the 8 years we were together, and it was a same-sex friend. Suddenly a new opposite gender person comes around, helping around the house and generally just being there every single day with no preamble, and I'm supposed to just accept it. That was hard.
I went off on my ex the other day about it, but I didn't get any answers and it ended up just making me feel worse in the end. Even if I had answers, I don't think I would like them. I've decided it's best for now to let that go, as hard as it is. The most gut wrenching part of this all is that there's some strange person with the kids who I know nothing about. The kids also have known about this person for some time, well before I learned about them, which has me concerned about my ex coaching them to secrecy or silence.
I'm not sure where to keep going with this post, but I suppose like before I may use it as a sort of running journal of my thoughts and actions like I did with the last one. I've never been one for journaling, but I found it helpful last time. If this bothers some, I apologize. Thank you to those who have had kind words and thoughts, and especially to @Lia for the book suggestion. I'm slowly making my way through it.
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentDefinitely working on the Keeping Busy front! It's something I've learned from the past. Fortunately where I live, there's plenty of opportunities to keep myself active. I have also been...Definitely working on the Keeping Busy front! It's something I've learned from the past. Fortunately where I live, there's plenty of opportunities to keep myself active. I have also been continuously building a network of friends that I can rely on. It's funny, my ex would always get a bit annoyed at how fast and easily I would create bonds between myself and others - they were much more introverted and asocial. I recognize now that they also have a genuine struggle with maintaining long lasting relationships. It's quite sad.
Alone time is something I value too. It feels different now, without having my kid around. Somehow being alone together (where he's doing his own thing, and I'm doing my own thing) is very different than being alone apart. I can do both, but one feels exponentially more difficult. Regarding finding a new relationship... Yeah I don't think that's on the table, not for a long time. I want time to heal and to find who the new me is post-breakup.
Who I was before I no longer am, and good riddance. One of the positive aspects of the relationship I had is that it gave me mental and emotional space to grow myself more deeply as a person. I developed new hobbies, skills, talents, friendships, and connections. I am a much better person coming out than going in. I feel my ex lost far more than I did in all this.
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentYou're right, though this is something I struggle with. I still have a habit of repressing or covering up negative feelings. It's a behavior I learned from culture, as well as my own father... I...If you're American (or carry some cultural influence from there), you may have been taught to suppress negative emotions. But it is often better to just allow yourself to feel them.
You're right, though this is something I struggle with. I still have a habit of repressing or covering up negative feelings. It's a behavior I learned from culture, as well as my own father... I don't think I've ever seen him cry in my life.
I have picked up the book, I'm slow on getting started with it though. Thank you for the recommendation.
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI know it may seem small but I really appreciate this comment. I need every little compliment and boost I can get right now. Thank you.I know it may seem small but I really appreciate this comment. I need every little compliment and boost I can get right now. Thank you.
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI mentioned elsewhere, I but have no energy to go looking for a therapist right now. I'm throwing myself into activities and, as you suggested, am leaning hard on friends. I'm not shy about...Please seek professional help! A therapist is your best friend to help process something like this, but also tell all your close friends.
I mentioned elsewhere, I but have no energy to go looking for a therapist right now. I'm throwing myself into activities and, as you suggested, am leaning hard on friends. I'm not shy about communicating my thoughts and feelings with others. This was a betrayal and people deserve to know what kind of person my ex is and what they put me through.
Honestly, why? Even your kids would realize that this is a messed up thing for your partner to do and that reacting emotionally is a completely normal thing. If anything your kids might find it extremely strange that you are calm when you should be having a completely normal strong emotional reaction to what happened. If anyone I knew was not strongly reacting to something this devastating I would think something was very wrong!
Because I'm terrified of giving my partner ammo with which to use the kids as weapons against me. I come from a background where my parents had a VERY messy divorce and it left a lot of trauma within me. My dad worked hard to alienate us from my mom and it worked. My sisters haven't spoken to her in decades. I came to my senses; I don't want that kind of experience for my kids.
Lastly, it's not your responsibility to obfuscate what your partner did to your children. Your partner was the one who violated that trust and hurt you.
I want to point out my son is 6. My ex's kids are older, and can handle that; my son cannot. He is not emotionally mature enough for that kind of information.
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThis is where I'm at. I have a lot on my plate outside of just this and the added stress of trying to find someone to talk to in this healthcare hell system we have is just not something I relish.I don't think I could've handled the "finding a new therapist who's a good fit" stress alongside the "getting divorced" stress.
This is where I'm at. I have a lot on my plate outside of just this and the added stress of trying to find someone to talk to in this healthcare hell system we have is just not something I relish.
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentWe were not married, thankfully. That made the process simpler. There's some financial things but ultimately I just want a clean break. I'm not looking for reparations, I'm looking to move one....Also, I don't remember from the earlier thread whether you were married to this person or not. Definitely if you were, talk to a lawyer, but even if you're not, consider talking to one regarding the financial side of things. I think you'd need a lot more details than you've given in your posts here to actually determine anything, and suing someone is its own source of stress that maybe you don't want to go through (especially if she doesn't have much money of her own to recover), but it's worth at least knowing what your options are when it comes to recovering any financial support from her.
We were not married, thankfully. That made the process simpler. There's some financial things but ultimately I just want a clean break. I'm not looking for reparations, I'm looking to move one. I'm locked into one major obligation with them though, as a cosigner on a home equity loan. Ultimately, it's going to affect them more than me if things go south there. I know they won't want to lose their house.
Keeping yourself busy in a positive way is also important.
This is a lesson I've learned before. I've been throwing myself into social outings and events, reading a lot more, and generally doings things to keep my mind and body occupied. I was in a dark place two decades ago after a bad breakup; I don't want to return there.
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Comment on So it turns out I was cheated on in ~health.mental
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThis is an interesting take, and I think would lead to a productive outcome. I'll see if my library has the book. I can tell you that when my ex and I first got together, I had been lonely for a...The theory behind the book and the adjacent divorce seminars (still being organised today if i'm not mistaken) is that there's usually a reason why we fall in love and develop close ties with people who end up driving us nuts. Uncovering these reasons is a journey worth taking, as it will protect you from getting into similar situations in the future. For myself it was a liberating and quite positive albeit sometimes painful experience. I feel like I am a more complete person today and I'm actually grateful for what happened because it started this process for me.
This is an interesting take, and I think would lead to a productive outcome. I'll see if my library has the book.
I can tell you that when my ex and I first got together, I had been lonely for a very, very long time and was starved for intimacy, affection, and love in so many ways. My friendships were stagnating, my work life was going nowhere, and I felt utterly rudderless. Then they came along and it was like a lighthouse beacon through a stormy sea. Unfortunately, it was but a Siren's song.
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So it turns out I was cheated on
Some of you may remember me from another thread, where I hemmed and hawed and fretted my way through trying to navigate my struggling relationship. I thought I'd reached the final chapter, I moved...
Some of you may remember me from another thread, where I hemmed and hawed and fretted my way through trying to navigate my struggling relationship. I thought I'd reached the final chapter, I moved out and established a place for my child and myself. I cut as many ties as I could with my now ex, but of course several threads still remain.
Yesterday (April Fools of course) I found out that they had been cheating on me since last May, at least. Potentially longer. Of course, I'm devastated. I knew they had found someone else already recently, but I thought it was in the last month or two. This new piece of the puzzle has solved so many unanswered questions I've had, while also creating many new ones.
I feel used, financially/emotionally abused, gaslit, and more. I'm still working on processing everything. I'm trying to remain calm for the sake of the kids (especially mine) but it's really, really hard. I know it isn't a reflection on me - I tried everything I could to fix things. It is hard however not feel that utter sense of betrayal in my gut and soul like a knife.
What resources, reading, supports, guides are there for this? I'm just trying to get through today and then I have a three day weekend to work on processing this all.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkThis is likely to be my last update. I've found a place, it's as good as I think I can get. Reasonably affordable, amazing location, clean with decent landlords that have good references. Move in...This is likely to be my last update.
I've found a place, it's as good as I think I can get. Reasonably affordable, amazing location, clean with decent landlords that have good references. Move in day is later this month.
I feel like I'm going into yet another chapter of my life. I'm ready.
Thank you everyone for helping me through all this. Without the support of family, friends, and Tildes I think I would have gone batty trying to keep things up.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkUpdate I gave my partner custody (parenting plan) papers today. Things were cool but also not... bad. Just a very business-like affair. The long and short is, we're both done and out. I need to...Update
I gave my partner custody (parenting plan) papers today. Things were cool but also not... bad. Just a very business-like affair. The long and short is, we're both done and out. I need to tweak a few things they asked about, and file it.
I also have begun searching for a new place in earnest. It's not as simple as I would like... The rental market is horrific. Each one is a mortgage - finding anything affordable means I'm moving much further away (or much closer to) my work/current home. The search continues.
I have quite a bit of free time coming up soon. I intend to try and make good use of it. My main concern is just making sure things financially work. It's going to be tight, but I think I can make it - at least in the short term - until I can shed myself of some obligations in the long term.
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Comment on My relationship feels like it's collapsing and I don't know what to do in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkHey there, you're not alone in what you're going through. I don't want to offer specific advice because it would be tainted by the lens which I'm viewing the world through right now, but I can...Hey there, you're not alone in what you're going through.
I don't want to offer specific advice because it would be tainted by the lens which I'm viewing the world through right now, but I can offer my deepest sympathies and understanding.
I moved into B—'s place about 8 months after meeting, and 4 months after that we were engaged.
I also moved very quickly in my relationship, before the honeymoon wore off. I firmly believe that was a mistake now.
There is too much stuff in the house .... Every room is a dump, beyond full to bursting with stuff .... The children all just drop whatever they're playing with wherever they stand .... There is not a single place I can go in the house that I can feel peaceful in
Our house is in constant disarray, and B— apportions this chaos to "just part of having kids" and "and inevitable cycle," while leaving out the fact that she does little and less to actually contribute to the smooth running of the place.
This ties in with the parenting aspect, something I also deal with. Especially with ND children it can be difficult to establish and maintain the routines needed to keep things clean/tidy. In my case (and apparently yours?) the parenting support isn't there to maintain those routines. I try with my son, but with the stepdaughters I get called controlling and nitpicky. How is it handled for you?
The comment about it being a part of "just having kids" and "inevitable" hits so close to home for me it's absurd. Those are the exact same things I was told.
Our finances
Oh lordy this is a make or break - at this point having the ability to manage finances is non negotiable for me in a relationship. How do you feel about a future like this?
I feel like I am waging a lone war against a building that is not fit for purpose, against combatants who will with absurd immediacy undo any progress I actually make.
Same. It's exhausting - doing all this on top of being the one expected to plan and make meals, do the necessary shopping, make sure bills get paid on time and that we actually have money for them, have lunches packed and ready for the family every day, as well as making breakfasts in the morning, cleaning the house...
It's a never ending list and if you're not feeling supported then it's going to grind you into little pieces. Especially if you ever put in the effort to really clean up and then watch it immediately get undone in a matter of moments without a care.
Nothing was discussed. No strategies for how to find an equitable solution. Just an immediate termination of the conversation
Same in my situation - every conversation was a dead end, every discussion terminated with a lack of introspection or self reflection. It took me too long to realize they would never change without being able to consider their own strategies. I was always met with "what do you want me to say?"
I don't know if B— still loves me. I just want to go back to when this felt easy. Our bedroom is all but dead. We don't "yes and" any more. The honeymoon period ended a long time ago, and I'm afraid that what we're left with is just an unhealthily attached relationship where neither of us feels able to lean on the other or to communicate our needs in a safe way.
You bring up serious outside help. Would your partner be open to that? Would they act on the ideas brought up? These comments here, in this quote, are almost word for word my feelings towards the end and I felt so bent to breaking.
I've since made my choice. I don't know if my post here will help at all for you, I wanted to be able to chime in, provide commiseration, and my own perspective as someone who went through (is still going through) an incredibly similar situation.
I'm so sorry, I wish you luck.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI wish you luck and strength on your own journey.I wish you luck and strength on your own journey.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you, I'm following up on this. If I run into issues, I will be in touch with you.Thank you, I'm following up on this. If I run into issues, I will be in touch with you.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentNot minor at all. We started with split accounts, but nobody was watching the accounts or tracking spending. We joined accounts to try and curb that, which worked until it didn't. Then they began...Not minor at all. We started with split accounts, but nobody was watching the accounts or tracking spending. We joined accounts to try and curb that, which worked until it didn't. Then they began blaming me for not watching spending, which prompted me to tell them we'd be splitting accounts again. My peace of mind about that decision is immeasurable.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentYes, I've taken yesterday and today for bereavement leave. It's been extraordinarily helpful. I visited my family yesterday, and with friends today. I really needed the time to process everything...does your work offer bereavement leave?
Yes, I've taken yesterday and today for bereavement leave. It's been extraordinarily helpful. I visited my family yesterday, and with friends today. I really needed the time to process everything and help keep my emotions in check.
Is counseling something that might be available to you right now?
I believe I may have that option through work, but I need to look into it.
I think anyone who knows you well will be aware of your situation, and will want to do what they can to support you at such a difficult time.
This is exactly what I'm finding. I'm grateful I've worked to build up a strong support network through the years and maintain close friendships. Investing in the people around you pays off when you need them most. I'm so, so grateful to my mom, my close friends, and even those people I only know online whom I've been leaning on for support.
I think I'm handling things the best I can, given the situation.
It might be helpful to let your partner know that you are really devastated and just need some space for a few days, and to just give you some time to work through it.
I have a space. I also feel guilty being away from my son in this space though. He's also enamored with this new addition, of course. It's a cute cuddly kitten - what child wouldn't love that? Any negative reaction I have about it immediately makes me the bad guy. I'm doing what I can to give my partner as little to use against me as I can.
To everyone who has been reading, supporting, writing back to me: Thank you. Know that I read each reply and consider every piece of advice you give. I hope to come with better news soon. I know my goal, I see the path, I need to take the steps to walk it.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you - I have a friend in a similar situation that's been a godsend of empathy and sympathy for me. Their words echo your own. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it is comforting to know...Thank you - I have a friend in a similar situation that's been a godsend of empathy and sympathy for me. Their words echo your own. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it is comforting to know others have experienced it before and can help me through this.
I appreciate your perspective, and am wishing you the best as well. I have a hard journey ahead. We have the strength to carry through and the support of those around us for when our strength may falter.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkWell, fuck. After the kitten debacle yesterday, I was already feeling angry and ignored. Highly emotional. And then my mom messages me. My stepbrother, who'd been diagnosed with cancer just last...Well, fuck. After the kitten debacle yesterday, I was already feeling angry and ignored. Highly emotional. And then my mom messages me. My stepbrother, who'd been diagnosed with cancer just last week, had died. I'm heartbroken. I tried going in to work the next day but I'm sobbing the entire drive and end up calling in. I gather myself, visit with my family, and pull my son out of school early to spend time with him.
Then this evening the friend arrives with the cat. It put me over an edge. I grabbed my coat and left.
I've been sitting in the library for a couple hours now, messaging friends and trying to figure out how to mentally compose myself. If I were at home I'd likely be saying some ugly things. When my partner eventually realized I had left, and messaged me, I told them we were through. "Wow ok. Strong words. I told you the cat was coming it was wrong timing I understand." It's not just the cat, I replied. "Ok well I don’t know how to change you changed us deciding to separate bank accounts. I am not talking about this"
I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm so fortunate in my friends. Without them I'd truly be off the mental deep end.
I'll return home when things are calmed down. I'm taking another day off tomorrow to collect myself. I'm not sure what to do from here. Custody laws in my area mean that I basically don't get custody if I leave without an arrangement, and getting an arrangement is much harder if I leave now.
I don't know what to do next except to keep doing what I've been doing. One thing I do know is I'm not putting their breakfast and lunch together anymore.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentNo, this is a same sex (my partner is cis-het) friend. Their child is also close friends with one of ours. It's funny you mention about it being my partner getting the kitten, because that's what...It isn't quite clear, this friend getting the kitten lives with your partner? Or it's really your partner getting the kitten?
No, this is a same sex (my partner is cis-het) friend. Their child is also close friends with one of ours. It's funny you mention about it being my partner getting the kitten, because that's what I feel is happening. It's a convenient excuse to get what they wanted anyways. They've already bought the kitten food before it's even gotten here.
Do you really want to explore continuing to live with that situation?
No.
It doesn't look like they want to give you that.
No.
I like this idea. I'm not sure how to phrase it to him since he hasn't actually asked why his mom and I moved apart. When he does though, I'll be ready.
Absolutely making sure to do this! We've been playing lots of games (board and video) together and just generally having fun.
I have no interest in dating right now. The thought of entering the dating scene again is terrible. I faced so much rejection and dismissal before. I'm great at making friends and terrible at finding romance, the awful tragedy of my existence. I do want a love relationship again, I feel I am a better and more complete person for it. I'm a deeply romantic soul. I hope I find someone who can match my energy and loyalty.