ThrowawayForMe's recent activity
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe (edited )Link ParentOh absolutely not. I don't want to give too much detail but I have a lot of experience around this topic and I will not be engaging in parentification. As you said, it's something which will...I just want to make it clear that I don't really think you want to treat your child as a partner.
Oh absolutely not. I don't want to give too much detail but I have a lot of experience around this topic and I will not be engaging in parentification. As you said, it's something which will definitely drive a wedge between the relationship and lead to toxic behaviors.
It's a good thing to point out when others may be heading down that path, so I applaud you for taking a stand.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentBeing wrong is the first step to being right! Thank you for your insight.Being wrong is the first step to being right! Thank you for your insight.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentOh no please don't misunderstand what I mean - that isn't my intention at all. I'm still very much the parent and they are still very much a child.Oh no please don't misunderstand what I mean - that isn't my intention at all. I'm still very much the parent and they are still very much a child.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI didn't mean to come off as rude about it either - I think we're both coming from a similar background here. I see your intentions are good.I didn't mean to come off as rude about it either - I think we're both coming from a similar background here. I see your intentions are good.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI'm very curious why you say that. I don't disagree, to be clear - one of the myriad things I think soured my the relationship between my partner and I is that they always (always) put their kids...That's a too big responsibility for a child and one of those things that in my opinion really can ruin a parent/child relationship.
I'm very curious why you say that. I don't disagree, to be clear - one of the myriad things I think soured my the relationship between my partner and I is that they always (always) put their kids first. It's admirable when you see it initially, but when you realize that it manifests as ignoring many other things I can see it as damaging for the parent involved. For the child?
(It is not easy to explain exactly what I mean by this, or what set of my alarm clocks. But if you want I can try and figure it out together with you.)
If you're up for it I wouldn't mind rabbit-holing down this way. As stated above, I could see how it can sour other relationship opportunities in life. Does it also potentially create an unhealthy dependency between parent/child? Is there a way to create a healthier bond that is still exceptional and special?
I understand it is difficult to show up for yourself every day, but unfortunately I think that is what you have to do now (and in the end I truly believe that you, your child and even the world will be better for it).
I know I've said before in this thread that I've had my battle with depression before. I may be entering a depressive episode for now. I'm still pushing forward, still working on my goals - in fact, having those goals and trying to stick to them has been motivating - and refuse to bottle up my thoughts and feelings like I used to.
The tone in this last sentence comes across as a bit patronizing, I'm choosing to read it as a "chin up, face the day, and get on with it" kind of message. That's exactly what I intend to do.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkJust being hit by more different feelings. It's like, those first few weeks I was fueled by... Not anger? But more like disbelief and shock. Fueled by passion of a different sort. I was motivated...Just being hit by more different feelings. It's like, those first few weeks I was fueled by... Not anger? But more like disbelief and shock. Fueled by passion of a different sort. I was motivated to get myself to a place where I felt comfortable again. And I did - I achieved a lot and have put myself into a space where I can feel safe taking a breath.
That space though has allowed for other thoughts and feelings to come out. Lately a lot of what I'm feeling is a sense of loss. I miss cuddling, hugging, kissing. I miss saying I love you. I miss connection. I have it with my kid, others in my life, but not in a romantic way.
It feels like we're both actively avoiding each other. We don't touch anymore, we don't talk anymore, we exist in completely different areas of the house. The strangest thing about that is that it isn't really much different from how we were before. It's different now with it being more intentional.
It feels awful. We still share the same spaces but we don't exist for each other.
My in laws are planning a trip for in June. They've always done a summer trip for the whole family - get all the cousins together and get out somewhere in nature. The planning feels so hollow now. I'm looking forward to spending time with all the kids, and talking with my FIL and BIL, but I also feel it's going to be weird announcing that we're done, since if it isn't obvious by now to everyone then it will be at that point.
Another part of me is wondering how they're feeling. Clearly they're checked out; they don't talk to me about anything except business, and still aren't making any attempt to fix things... Not surprising I guess.
I wonder sometimes if they're already looking for someone else. Or thinking about it. Our relationship now is where they were at with their ex when we met.
Small aside but I also am worried for myself. I genuinely believe that I am a better person when I'm in a relationship. My mental health is better, I look after myself more, I take care of important things in my life more diligently. I can't really explain why, it's just a trend I've noticed over the years. I always put more effort into living when I have someone to share that life with.
Maybe I can make that person I share life with be my kid instead. I'm not quite there yet. I don't know.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you for the well wishes. I've been a bit more emotional lately, especially in those quiet hours of the night when I can't sleep. I've been having a lot of dreams where things turn around, my...Thank you for the well wishes. I've been a bit more emotional lately, especially in those quiet hours of the night when I can't sleep.
I've been having a lot of dreams where things turn around, my partner decides to put effort in, and we're able to continue forward as a couple. Then I wake up and it's all just a picture of a reality I don't have. Those are my moments of doubt, of questioning "am I doing what's right?"
I'm still firmly believing that I'm on the right track, not just for myself and my own future but for that of my child as well. They deserve to have a financially stable parent that can help support them.
My partner has continued to spend hundreds on Amazon and PayPal over the past few weeks. I just can't comprehend it. We're still very civil to each other and aim to help each other but all the love is gone. I want to tell them they're going down the same road to ruin again, but they ignored me all these years...
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentInteresting metaphor! Re EU5, it has good bones though I think it needs a little more patching before I want to sink in more time. It is making me want to play my backlog of Vic3 and Ck3 a bit...Interesting metaphor! Re EU5, it has good bones though I think it needs a little more patching before I want to sink in more time. It is making me want to play my backlog of Vic3 and Ck3 a bit more though. I trust in the paradox process.
I monitor my own credit but I haven't considered the kids. I don't think my partner would ever do anything so drastic as to screw their own kids that way - for all their flaws, they are immensely devoted to the kids.
That being said, I should be able to check on their credit the same way I check on mine? Correct?
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkJust want to keep going here as a place to record my ongoing thoughts. First of all, I want to note some positives... At least for myself. I feel so much less stressed over financials. I know I've...Just want to keep going here as a place to record my ongoing thoughts. First of all, I want to note some positives... At least for myself. I feel so much less stressed over financials. I know I've budgeted everything correctly and I know where all the money is going to, I don't need to worry about some random PayPal purchases throwing the accounting out of whack or the Credit Card ballooning in balance. In two weeks I've managed to pay down my own card by a third of the original total. I may be able to finish paying it all the way down before even my most optimistic estimates, though there are likely things which will get in the way.
I was able to buy Europa Universalis V last week without needing to stress about it. That felt good.
However, other thoughts and feelings are beginning to rise up in my mind. It's like, the reality of the fact that my partner hasn't made any attempts to rekindle anything between us is settling in. We're cordial to each other, we still get things done, do what we need to around the house and for the kids, but there's a void between us. In a sense, it's the same void that's been there for a while; it feels more real and present now.
It's a sad feeling. I'm glad I am feeling something, because for a while I wasn't. That was starting to worry me. I do feel I need to be careful about how I handle these thoughts though. Writing about it helps.
I keep thinking I should address it - the ever widening gulf between us - with them... But then I think about how the last conversation went and I just know it won't lead anywhere. It's predetermination, I know. I'll likely try again, at some point, to get through to them. Maybe things won't be as raw, maybe they won't be as defensive.
I don't know.
Final notes: They already asked me for money. I told them I can still see the account, I know what it's being spent on. It's filled with PayPal and Amazon expenses. I'm not paying for that anymore.
They pulled even more money from their IRA. I hope they know it's going to be ugly come tax season. I fear they don't fully understand that though. I always did the tax filing.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkSmall update, nothing major. I opened a new bank account for myself and now need to begin the process of migrating everything to it... As someone with adhd, this whole process is absolutely awful....Small update, nothing major. I opened a new bank account for myself and now need to begin the process of migrating everything to it... As someone with adhd, this whole process is absolutely awful. I know it's essential, but UGH.
I spoke yesterday with my FIL about how things are, mainly focusing on finances and our relationship. He seems genuinely sad that we're likely heading for a split. We don't always see eye to eye but I have a lot of respect for him, and I think he for me. Reiterated that at this point, my financial concerns for my son's future are paramount in my mind.
My partner withdrew from their IRA to pay off their debts, and in the week or so since doing that they have already racked up over $1000 in additional credit card charges. That's the reality I had to deal with, that's what they told me to "Just fix." Yesterday I made the last payment from my (our) money on the mortgage. Now I focus on other things. If they want to spend, that's on them.
I talked about all this with my FIL, who agreed that it was wasteful, and that they've had many, many, many conversations with my partner about their spending, always to no avail. They've always had someone out something to rely on to bail them out.
I'm really looking forward to meeting a good friend tonight. I've been texting a lot with them about the situation, but we haven't had a chance to sit and talk in person. It'll be good for me.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you, your perspective is invaluable. I'll have a lot of emotions to process over the coming weeks and months and years. Just take it a step at a time. I feel happiest at work, where I know I...Thank you, your perspective is invaluable. I'll have a lot of emotions to process over the coming weeks and months and years. Just take it a step at a time. I feel happiest at work, where I know I am making a genuine difference and positive change in the world. I want to bring that energy into my own life.
You spoke of big changes being a sort of rebirth - that's something I know well, too. It seems my life is full of them, and that this is yet another turning point... Which of course immediately puts Green Day's "Good Riddance" into my head.
I've been listening to a lot of breakup songs (and notable, the entirety of "Rumors" by Fleetwood Mac). Music truly is my place for working through difficult feelings. I wonder what it was for you?
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you for both your kind words (@cheep_cheep in see you don't see this). The boat analogy is such a great way to look at it and I really feel like I've been the main one paddling for a while...Thank you for both your kind words (@cheep_cheep in see you don't see this). The boat analogy is such a great way to look at it and I really feel like I've been the main one paddling for a while now. Note I don't say only one... It gets exhausting feeling like I'm the one putting in most of the effort though.
I'll look into counseling, I believe I should have resources available. I'm lucky I have good friends and family to rely on and talk to. It's been invaluable. I know I've said enough when I don't want to tell anyone anything more and instead want time to process things myself.
I'm taking some time to go out with friends this weekend and spend more time with my son. It'll be good for me. Thanks everyone, I'll keep putting updates in here for major things or even just to talk about difficulties.
One thought I've been having (well, two connected thoughts) is dealing with loneliness again and what I'll feel if/when my partner starts dating again in the future. Statistically they are far more likely to find someone else in any given time frame than I am, and I know it's a stupid and useless thought, but it does cross my mind.
Loneliness is what I've been feeling a lot of already anyways, that I can handle and mitigate to an extent. The other feeling I have not handled well historically.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe LinkAn update for those keeping tabs here. I finally got to have a sit down talk with my partner, though it felt like twisting their arm to do so. I started off restating my core issue: that I feel...An update for those keeping tabs here.
I finally got to have a sit down talk with my partner, though it felt like twisting their arm to do so. I started off restating my core issue: that I feel our connection, our relationship, is falling or has fallen apart and we need to work to rebuild it. I figured that everything else is secondary to that.
Main takeaways were that they feel I've been "weird" and ignoring them for the last two weeks. The last time I showed affection was when I posted about cuddling, the last time I said "I love you" it was ignored. They also stated that they felt they hadn't changed at all over the last 8 years we've been together, I tried pointing out how much has changed though. They stated kids growing up changes things; I stated that doesn't mean we need to ignore our relationship as a couple. They stated they felt I was putting it all on them; I said I've been trying to point out issues and offer solutions for ages to no avail, and they don't try to solve anything I talk about unless it involves money. They stated with regards to affection that they "just aren't like that" - ignoring the near complete 180 over the years in how they show affection.
Overall it felt like a lot of walls and deflection. I feel these are defenses to make it easier to justify a break - making it seem less their fault and more mine in their eyes. This is eerily similar to the kinds of stories I got about their Ex who, in my experience, is actually a quite decent person though sometimes completely oblivious to the obvious. There was never any anger there, and there isn't really any anger here either.
I've heard it said the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I don't really feel sad, or angry; I don't hate them, I don't despise them. I don't really know what I feel right now except stress.
I do feel my path forward has been made clearer. I told my partner that I'd love to see an effort to change things over the next year. I still love them, I said (nevermind that they didn't say it back) and I want to give them a way to return to a place of love. That seemed to go nowhere.
I talked about how we'd be splitting our finances again immediately. I'm going to open a bank account and move my deposits there asap. I already took myself off the authorized user lists of the cards she added me onto. I've been having a lot of talks about this with a good friend of mine who recently went through a similar separation and they've been guiding me on next steps.
I'm very grateful to the friends and family I have been able to lean on during this time, and for you here and your perspectives and ideas. I hope I bring better news next time.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI usually do a lot of cycling! Lately I haven't had the time, will, or energy - and with the weather turning, it's becoming harder to do any of that.I usually do a lot of cycling! Lately I haven't had the time, will, or energy - and with the weather turning, it's becoming harder to do any of that.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThey are confrontation avoidant.They are confrontation avoidant.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI'm feeling it most when I need to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping the last few months - I thought it was stress from a new job but it's likely compounded by the other feelings I'm...I'm feeling it most when I need to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping the last few months - I thought it was stress from a new job but it's likely compounded by the other feelings I'm having. I've been severely depressed before, to the point of staring into the abyss a few times. I can feel myself sliding and creeping towards that. I never, ever want to return to that place.
I'm going to focus on finding a way forward now. I feel I have my answers, if nothing changes in my partners communication, tone, and intention. I feel I've been clear, direct, and purposeful.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentThank you, it's why I kept pushing to talk instead. I'm not even that good at speaking my feelings. I just know it's easier to clear up miscommunications and convey that nuance you mentioned.Thank you, it's why I kept pushing to talk instead. I'm not even that good at speaking my feelings. I just know it's easier to clear up miscommunications and convey that nuance you mentioned.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI looked through - I don't believe it qualifies for the disorder, though. Not enough markers. With some introspection about it, I feel it's more just a consequence of the constant spending and...For the hoarding, it wouldn't hurt to quickly skim the DSM-V diagnostic criteria, but it sounds like a match from your description (assuming the underlying cause is not another health condition). It's a very difficult disorder to apply an effective treatment plan to, and you would want to find a therapist who specializes in it. This is assuming you can get your partner to be "on board" with this at some point.
I looked through - I don't believe it qualifies for the disorder, though. Not enough markers. With some introspection about it, I feel it's more just a consequence of the constant spending and buying of things. I'm wondering if it's actually a shopping addiction.
The "deciding moment" may never come. Life is not a coin flip - especially when it comes to emotions and relationships. You will always have thoughts about "what if", regardless of your decision. This does not make you a bad person or suggest you made the "wrong choice."
I think today that coin flip happened. I offered to try counseling, and asked again for her to look past the money problems and instead look at us for a moment. Completely shut down the counseling idea and again ignored any comment about feelings between us. Only focused on financials.
I feel I've tried about everything I can. I don't know what I might be missing.
-
Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI brought this up today. "No, counseling sucked I hated it, never doing it again." So that answers that. I feel I'm trying so hard and getting nothing I'm asking for back.I brought this up today. "No, counseling sucked I hated it, never doing it again." So that answers that.
I feel I'm trying so hard and getting nothing I'm asking for back.
Thank you - it's good to point out potential problems, maybe not just for me but for anyone else who happens to be reading too. I'm glad it's brought up and addressed.
Also I had a moment today that made me think about this... I had a rough night and was trying to rest on the couch (read: nap, but I can't really ever nap...) and my son came over with a blanket to cover me up.
He's got such a big heart. He's always looking after others. I stressed for a moment though - was it wrong for that to happen?
Like you say though, one time like that isn't bad... Prolonged though, and it becomes a problem.