ThrowawayForMe's recent activity

  1. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
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    This is likely to be my last update. I've found a place, it's as good as I think I can get. Reasonably affordable, amazing location, clean with decent landlords that have good references. Move in...

    This is likely to be my last update.

    I've found a place, it's as good as I think I can get. Reasonably affordable, amazing location, clean with decent landlords that have good references. Move in day is later this month.

    I feel like I'm going into yet another chapter of my life. I'm ready.

    Thank you everyone for helping me through all this. Without the support of family, friends, and Tildes I think I would have gone batty trying to keep things up.

    9 votes

  2. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
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    Update I gave my partner custody (parenting plan) papers today. Things were cool but also not... bad. Just a very business-like affair. The long and short is, we're both done and out. I need to...

    Update

    I gave my partner custody (parenting plan) papers today. Things were cool but also not... bad. Just a very business-like affair. The long and short is, we're both done and out. I need to tweak a few things they asked about, and file it.

    I also have begun searching for a new place in earnest. It's not as simple as I would like... The rental market is horrific. Each one is a mortgage - finding anything affordable means I'm moving much further away (or much closer to) my work/current home. The search continues.

    I have quite a bit of free time coming up soon. I intend to try and make good use of it. My main concern is just making sure things financially work. It's going to be tight, but I think I can make it - at least in the short term - until I can shed myself of some obligations in the long term.

    6 votes

  3. Comment on My relationship feels like it's collapsing and I don't know what to do in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link
    Hey there, you're not alone in what you're going through. I don't want to offer specific advice because it would be tainted by the lens which I'm viewing the world through right now, but I can...

    Hey there, you're not alone in what you're going through.

    I don't want to offer specific advice because it would be tainted by the lens which I'm viewing the world through right now, but I can offer my deepest sympathies and understanding.

    I moved into B—'s place about 8 months after meeting, and 4 months after that we were engaged.

    I also moved very quickly in my relationship, before the honeymoon wore off. I firmly believe that was a mistake now.

    There is too much stuff in the house .... Every room is a dump, beyond full to bursting with stuff .... The children all just drop whatever they're playing with wherever they stand .... There is not a single place I can go in the house that I can feel peaceful in

    Our house is in constant disarray, and B— apportions this chaos to "just part of having kids" and "and inevitable cycle," while leaving out the fact that she does little and less to actually contribute to the smooth running of the place.

    This ties in with the parenting aspect, something I also deal with. Especially with ND children it can be difficult to establish and maintain the routines needed to keep things clean/tidy. In my case (and apparently yours?) the parenting support isn't there to maintain those routines. I try with my son, but with the stepdaughters I get called controlling and nitpicky. How is it handled for you?

    The comment about it being a part of "just having kids" and "inevitable" hits so close to home for me it's absurd. Those are the exact same things I was told.

    Our finances

    Oh lordy this is a make or break - at this point having the ability to manage finances is non negotiable for me in a relationship. How do you feel about a future like this?

    I feel like I am waging a lone war against a building that is not fit for purpose, against combatants who will with absurd immediacy undo any progress I actually make.

    Same. It's exhausting - doing all this on top of being the one expected to plan and make meals, do the necessary shopping, make sure bills get paid on time and that we actually have money for them, have lunches packed and ready for the family every day, as well as making breakfasts in the morning, cleaning the house...

    It's a never ending list and if you're not feeling supported then it's going to grind you into little pieces. Especially if you ever put in the effort to really clean up and then watch it immediately get undone in a matter of moments without a care.

    Nothing was discussed. No strategies for how to find an equitable solution. Just an immediate termination of the conversation

    Same in my situation - every conversation was a dead end, every discussion terminated with a lack of introspection or self reflection. It took me too long to realize they would never change without being able to consider their own strategies. I was always met with "what do you want me to say?"

    I don't know if B— still loves me. I just want to go back to when this felt easy. Our bedroom is all but dead. We don't "yes and" any more. The honeymoon period ended a long time ago, and I'm afraid that what we're left with is just an unhealthily attached relationship where neither of us feels able to lean on the other or to communicate our needs in a safe way.

    You bring up serious outside help. Would your partner be open to that? Would they act on the ideas brought up? These comments here, in this quote, are almost word for word my feelings towards the end and I felt so bent to breaking.

    I've since made my choice. I don't know if my post here will help at all for you, I wanted to be able to chime in, provide commiseration, and my own perspective as someone who went through (is still going through) an incredibly similar situation.

    I'm so sorry, I wish you luck.

    16 votes

  4. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    I wish you luck and strength on your own journey.

    I wish you luck and strength on your own journey.

    4 votes

  5. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    Thank you, I'm following up on this. If I run into issues, I will be in touch with you.

    Thank you, I'm following up on this. If I run into issues, I will be in touch with you.

    2 votes

  6. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    Not minor at all. We started with split accounts, but nobody was watching the accounts or tracking spending. We joined accounts to try and curb that, which worked until it didn't. Then they began...

    Not minor at all. We started with split accounts, but nobody was watching the accounts or tracking spending. We joined accounts to try and curb that, which worked until it didn't. Then they began blaming me for not watching spending, which prompted me to tell them we'd be splitting accounts again. My peace of mind about that decision is immeasurable.

    6 votes

  7. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    Yes, I've taken yesterday and today for bereavement leave. It's been extraordinarily helpful. I visited my family yesterday, and with friends today. I really needed the time to process everything...

    does your work offer bereavement leave?

    Yes, I've taken yesterday and today for bereavement leave. It's been extraordinarily helpful. I visited my family yesterday, and with friends today. I really needed the time to process everything and help keep my emotions in check.

    Is counseling something that might be available to you right now?

    I believe I may have that option through work, but I need to look into it.

    I think anyone who knows you well will be aware of your situation, and will want to do what they can to support you at such a difficult time.

    This is exactly what I'm finding. I'm grateful I've worked to build up a strong support network through the years and maintain close friendships. Investing in the people around you pays off when you need them most. I'm so, so grateful to my mom, my close friends, and even those people I only know online whom I've been leaning on for support.

    I think I'm handling things the best I can, given the situation.

    It might be helpful to let your partner know that you are really devastated and just need some space for a few days, and to just give you some time to work through it.

    I have a space. I also feel guilty being away from my son in this space though. He's also enamored with this new addition, of course. It's a cute cuddly kitten - what child wouldn't love that? Any negative reaction I have about it immediately makes me the bad guy. I'm doing what I can to give my partner as little to use against me as I can.

    To everyone who has been reading, supporting, writing back to me: Thank you. Know that I read each reply and consider every piece of advice you give. I hope to come with better news soon. I know my goal, I see the path, I need to take the steps to walk it.

    4 votes

  8. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    Thank you - I have a friend in a similar situation that's been a godsend of empathy and sympathy for me. Their words echo your own. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it is comforting to know...

    Thank you - I have a friend in a similar situation that's been a godsend of empathy and sympathy for me. Their words echo your own. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it is comforting to know others have experienced it before and can help me through this.

    I appreciate your perspective, and am wishing you the best as well. I have a hard journey ahead. We have the strength to carry through and the support of those around us for when our strength may falter.

    7 votes

  9. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
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    Well, fuck. After the kitten debacle yesterday, I was already feeling angry and ignored. Highly emotional. And then my mom messages me. My stepbrother, who'd been diagnosed with cancer just last...

    Well, fuck. After the kitten debacle yesterday, I was already feeling angry and ignored. Highly emotional. And then my mom messages me. My stepbrother, who'd been diagnosed with cancer just last week, had died. I'm heartbroken. I tried going in to work the next day but I'm sobbing the entire drive and end up calling in. I gather myself, visit with my family, and pull my son out of school early to spend time with him.

    Then this evening the friend arrives with the cat. It put me over an edge. I grabbed my coat and left.

    I've been sitting in the library for a couple hours now, messaging friends and trying to figure out how to mentally compose myself. If I were at home I'd likely be saying some ugly things. When my partner eventually realized I had left, and messaged me, I told them we were through. "Wow ok. Strong words. I told you the cat was coming it was wrong timing I understand." It's not just the cat, I replied. "Ok well I don’t know how to change you changed us deciding to separate bank accounts. I am not talking about this"

    I'm at a loss for words right now. I'm so fortunate in my friends. Without them I'd truly be off the mental deep end.

    I'll return home when things are calmed down. I'm taking another day off tomorrow to collect myself. I'm not sure what to do from here. Custody laws in my area mean that I basically don't get custody if I leave without an arrangement, and getting an arrangement is much harder if I leave now.

    I don't know what to do next except to keep doing what I've been doing. One thing I do know is I'm not putting their breakfast and lunch together anymore.

    11 votes

  10. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    No, this is a same sex (my partner is cis-het) friend. Their child is also close friends with one of ours. It's funny you mention about it being my partner getting the kitten, because that's what...

    It isn't quite clear, this friend getting the kitten lives with your partner? Or it's really your partner getting the kitten?

    No, this is a same sex (my partner is cis-het) friend. Their child is also close friends with one of ours. It's funny you mention about it being my partner getting the kitten, because that's what I feel is happening. It's a convenient excuse to get what they wanted anyways. They've already bought the kitten food before it's even gotten here.

    Do you really want to explore continuing to live with that situation?

    No.

    It doesn't look like they want to give you that.

    No.

    5 votes

  11. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
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    I've been thinking about having a talk with my partner again. I want to see where they want this relationship to go. We've only grown further apart over the last 2-3 months. I keep having dreams...

    I've been thinking about having a talk with my partner again. I want to see where they want this relationship to go. We've only grown further apart over the last 2-3 months. I keep having dreams where things change and they become who they used to be again.

    Today I got word that their friend has followed through on something they'd been talking to the kids about - getting a kitten. "I didn't know they were serious about doing that." I didn't even know it was a discussion. I've made it very clear that we don't need any more animals in the house. We can't afford them and the house is already a disaster. I know my partner still wanted to get a new pet, despite barely taking care of the other ones.

    So now here we are with another pet on the way. I'm livid because at no point was I a part of this conversation. My partner is either playing dumb about not being involved or just really wants a new pet and doesn't care. I find it ridiculous and completely out of line. Of course, my feelings were brushed aside.

    I'm feeling small lately, and only getting smaller. I know I will get through this, I just wish things were different. (cue the quote from LOTR - "So do all who live to see such times.")

    9 votes

  12. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
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    It's New Year's Eve. I visited a friend of mine yesterday. It was a good time with her, chatting and catching up. I took some time trying to teach her daughter to crochet, and we made healing jars...

    It's New Year's Eve.

    I visited a friend of mine yesterday. It was a good time with her, chatting and catching up. I took some time trying to teach her daughter to crochet, and we made healing jars and had a cord cutting - she's into some witchy things. I don't buy into the supernatural stuff but it certainly felt good reconnecting.

    Last night my partner said they were going to have drinks after a hard day at work. This felt really out of character for them. I called to check in, make sure they were alright - they said yes, just a difficult day and they were meeting up with someone they knew for drinks.

    Today, we're going to celebrate New Year's Eve apart. I can feel the distance growing faster. I have mixed feelings about it - on the one hand, I saw it coming and I prepared the best I could; on the other, I have a gut feeling I'm going to end up hurting a lot at some point as whatever feelings I might not be registering come tumbling out. It's why I keep writing here. It gives me a place to spill my mind and then later come back and reorganize it. I'd start a journal, but it doesn't write back to me with another perspective.

    All this to say that it's been really interesting to realize my partner is now right back at the point they were at when I first met them - in a dead end relationship. I've been wondering if this is a pattern for them - the intensity early on, then waning interest, a lack of introspection, and giving up instead of trying to solve the problem.

    Unfortunately, they've had a really awful early life both romantically and sexually - lots of abuse. So much abuse. How does this affect individuals later on? I find myself wondering what things lay beneath the surface that affect them without even realizing. I hope they find peace.

    It's New Year's Eve.

    I'm filled with a sort of cautious, optimistic hope for the coming year. I know things won't be easy. I'm used to adversity, I'll overcome. I can do what is hard because it is right. I'm terrified, but all I can do is try.

    13 votes

  13. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
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    It's been a while since I updated. Not a lot has changed, and yet everything has changed. We've finalized separating our finances. It was a bit of a chore with the bank to un-joint our account,...

    It's been a while since I updated. Not a lot has changed, and yet everything has changed.

    We've finalized separating our finances. It was a bit of a chore with the bank to un-joint our account, but here we are. I've reached a sort of resigned acceptance that they aren't going to try and mend things. I went for a hug yesterday with a "Merry Christmas" and they almost fell over avoiding it.

    We don't sit together. We don't talk together. We don't... anything, anymore. That part I've grown to accept. The hardest part for me lately is wanting to move on. I don't want things to fester into resentment.

    Christmas has otherwise been alright. The kids are happy and healthy and that's what matters. I'm looking forward to a new year filled with growth, change - renaissance.

    12 votes

  14. Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    I'm a bit late to this, but something in my gut said to check my messages even though I don't feel I have much to add right now. Thank you for allowing me in your thoughts, I truly feel that it's...

    I'm a bit late to this, but something in my gut said to check my messages even though I don't feel I have much to add right now. Thank you for allowing me in your thoughts, I truly feel that it's with the help of kind hearted people like you, @chocobean, and more that I've been able to handle my situation so well. I'll post another update soon.

    Wishing you the best on this Christmas Day.

    3 votes

  15. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    Thank you - it's good to point out potential problems, maybe not just for me but for anyone else who happens to be reading too. I'm glad it's brought up and addressed. Also I had a moment today...

    Thank you - it's good to point out potential problems, maybe not just for me but for anyone else who happens to be reading too. I'm glad it's brought up and addressed.

    Also I had a moment today that made me think about this... I had a rough night and was trying to rest on the couch (read: nap, but I can't really ever nap...) and my son came over with a blanket to cover me up.

    He's got such a big heart. He's always looking after others. I stressed for a moment though - was it wrong for that to happen?

    Like you say though, one time like that isn't bad... Prolonged though, and it becomes a problem.

    3 votes

  16. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    Oh absolutely not. I don't want to give too much detail but I have a lot of experience around this topic and I will not be engaging in parentification. As you said, it's something which will...

    I just want to make it clear that I don't really think you want to treat your child as a partner.

    Oh absolutely not. I don't want to give too much detail but I have a lot of experience around this topic and I will not be engaging in parentification. As you said, it's something which will definitely drive a wedge between the relationship and lead to toxic behaviors.

    It's a good thing to point out when others may be heading down that path, so I applaud you for taking a stand.

    3 votes

  17. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    Being wrong is the first step to being right! Thank you for your insight.

    Being wrong is the first step to being right! Thank you for your insight.

    2 votes

  18. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    Oh no please don't misunderstand what I mean - that isn't my intention at all. I'm still very much the parent and they are still very much a child.

    Oh no please don't misunderstand what I mean - that isn't my intention at all. I'm still very much the parent and they are still very much a child.

    3 votes

  19. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    I didn't mean to come off as rude about it either - I think we're both coming from a similar background here. I see your intentions are good.

    I didn't mean to come off as rude about it either - I think we're both coming from a similar background here. I see your intentions are good.

    2 votes

  20. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    ThrowawayForMe
    Link Parent
    I'm very curious why you say that. I don't disagree, to be clear - one of the myriad things I think soured my the relationship between my partner and I is that they always (always) put their kids...

    That's a too big responsibility for a child and one of those things that in my opinion really can ruin a parent/child relationship.

    I'm very curious why you say that. I don't disagree, to be clear - one of the myriad things I think soured my the relationship between my partner and I is that they always (always) put their kids first. It's admirable when you see it initially, but when you realize that it manifests as ignoring many other things I can see it as damaging for the parent involved. For the child?

    (It is not easy to explain exactly what I mean by this, or what set of my alarm clocks. But if you want I can try and figure it out together with you.)

    If you're up for it I wouldn't mind rabbit-holing down this way. As stated above, I could see how it can sour other relationship opportunities in life. Does it also potentially create an unhealthy dependency between parent/child? Is there a way to create a healthier bond that is still exceptional and special?

    I understand it is difficult to show up for yourself every day, but unfortunately I think that is what you have to do now (and in the end I truly believe that you, your child and even the world will be better for it).

    I know I've said before in this thread that I've had my battle with depression before. I may be entering a depressive episode for now. I'm still pushing forward, still working on my goals - in fact, having those goals and trying to stick to them has been motivating - and refuse to bottle up my thoughts and feelings like I used to.

    The tone in this last sentence comes across as a bit patronizing, I'm choosing to read it as a "chin up, face the day, and get on with it" kind of message. That's exactly what I intend to do.

    3 votes