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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentYou're absolutely right and it's something I have already stated, earlier this month even. I'll need to reiterate it. Of course you're right about the kids. We share some debts but I have no stake...And I think you owe it to your partner to communicate to them clearly that you're so close to the end of your rope.
You're absolutely right and it's something I have already stated, earlier this month even. I'll need to reiterate it.
Of course you're right about the kids. We share some debts but I have no stake in the property(ies). I don't really even care about that at this point.
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Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life
ThrowawayForMe Link ParentI'd be open to it, my worry is this is something they tried in their last marriage and they seemed dismissive about it. I'm not sure if it would help here. I'm not sure what would help. Edit:...I'd be open to it, my worry is this is something they tried in their last marriage and they seemed dismissive about it. I'm not sure if it would help here. I'm not sure what would help.
Edit: changed pronouns cause oops. Additional note: something I've become increasingly aware of in the relationship is that they have an extremely difficult time with self reflection/introspection.
Additionally, it would be yet another expense that I don't think we can afford at the moment.
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Struggling in my relationship
Preface: Sorry if this isn't the place, and if I'm cagey on some specifics. Also sorry for the length, this turned out a lot longer than I anticipated. My partner and I have been together for...
Preface: Sorry if this isn't the place, and if I'm cagey on some specifics. Also sorry for the length, this turned out a lot longer than I anticipated.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years at this point. This was my first serious, long-term committed relationship; every other one I'd had was short-lived (<3 months) and I hadn't exactly had a lot of them. Maybe this is why I was blind to the cracks until things got unavoidable.
It started off strong and passionate of course, and things moved rather quickly. We (they, I'm not on the title) bought a house and we were expecting a child within a year. I should have kept things slower, thought with my head instead of blindly following my heart. I'd been very lonely for a very long time. I was happy those first few years, even if in hindsight the cracks were beginning to show. Even before baby came along, intimacy fell off a cliff. I had many talks about this with them, which led nowhere much really. The rest of the relationship still felt solid to me though. I pressed on.
In the beginning, they had a better job than I did. I earned far less. Luckily an opportunity came up for me to finish my schooling and further my career, and I put a lot of work into achieving just that. Now things have changed with that, and I feel like we could be doing well together... If it weren't for the financial instability I feel they bring. I'd never been great with money, but my partner's father took me under his wing and taught me a lot of financial literacy. I became adept at putting together spreadsheets and managing our finances. Our first major crisis we overcame together through being very fiscally conservative and digging our way out. We also had several windfalls that helped us out. Then... another crisis, again because of overspending on their end. We pulled from our IRAs in order to stay afloat, with promises to do better. Then... another crisis. Again. Same reasons. We put together a loan against the home's equity. More promises.
We are again heading to a crisis. We are out of windfalls and options and frankly I'm exhausted.
Finally, parenting and housekeeping. I've always loved how my partner cares so much for their children (from a prior relationship) as well as ours. They have a way of making magical moments which I envy. This is contrasted by their complete inability to parent effectively. There's no consequences, no expectations, no boundaries, and it's infuriating. Initially it wasn't quite that bad, and I felt I had equal say in parenting. Over the years, that's eroded to my partner viewing me as authoritarian and domineering. The kids know they'll get their way with them so why would they ever come to me first?
Maybe it was the extra time during COVID but they also put more effort into housekeeping early on as well. Now I feel it mostly falls on my shoulders, and my will to clean and keep up is murdered by the fact that within hours it's a mess again. It isn't helped by the fact that my partner is a hoarder. I have to gut things from the house in secret. I haven't seen the corners of my walls in ages. I spent a week while they were away cleaning the home top to bottom last year. Within a day it looked like a bomb went off.
These are all things I've tried discussing with them, multiple times, over the years. I mostly get brushed off, or (what I feel now are) empty promises. Most infuriating to me is "I don't know what you want me to say." I want you to say what's in your heart, what you feel! Don't tell me something you think I want to hear, be honest.
I feel I know where this is going, I don't want to fall in the same trap I see many couples are in where it's clearly over and yet they keep moving along. We're not married, a clean break is reasonable, I know my partner can be mature about things because their relationship with their ex is amazingly calm and chill.
I'm terrified in a way of being alone again.
I don't really know where to turn for more perspective. I've already talked with my sister, and a close co-worker who is going through some of the same feelings I am. Those conversations have been very helpful. Recently, what really put things in stark contrast was the other day when my partner's father asked "So is everything ok between you two?" If he went out and asked, it means it's really obvious things are not ok.
I've been fantasizing a lot lately about what a split would be like. Making plans for where to go, and figuring out how to reconcile things like accounts, items, and debts. Worst of all I've been fantasizing about being with other people; the intimacy and passions has been gone between us for a long time. The last time my partner initiated anything between us was a year ago, and I don't even remember the time before that. Everything feels so wrong and unsatisfactory.
I told them yesterday we need a frank talk, and not through text this time - their preferred method of communication with me for a while now... But I have no idea when we even have time for that away from the kids.
Closing thought: I don't want to feel like I've pre-determined my outcome here. I feel I've done what I can though, to make my own feelings clear. Thank you for any thoughts.
36 votes
Well, I was going to take the time to go through responses tonight and discuss things - sorry, I have a hectic work day - fate seems to have forced a hand though.
We maxed out a card, which prompted my partner to a ask (through text, since they're out) what was up. I explained this is exactly what I tried warning them about weeks and days ago. They blamed me for not managing the money well enough. I laid my feelings bare.
I probably didn't phrase things perfectly. I probably didn't do everything right. Nobody can. I did my best to say what I felt.
Their response - they're pissed of course, but they also said we can't work things out until the debt issues are solved... I responded that no, it was all tied up together.
I didn't expect it to go as the book says, "slowly, and then all at once".