Lia's recent activity
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Comment on Your partner asks for your phone, you refuse over privacy, they tell you they don't trust you. How do you respond? in ~talk
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Comment on ADHD and TODO lists in ~health.mental
Lia Link ParentI agree with this, having gone from one system to another multiple times. It's definitely better to just let yourself swap whenever you need to vs. trying to guilt yourself to do things in the...I have met few people with ADHD who have been able to stick to a single system. A lot of them feel guilty about it, which I think is the wrong mindset.
I agree with this, having gone from one system to another multiple times. It's definitely better to just let yourself swap whenever you need to vs. trying to guilt yourself to do things in the "normal" way.
However, now that I'm using Obsidian for task and project management, I really believe I'm going to stick with it forever. Not because my current version won't eventually grow stale on me but because it's so incredibly modifiable and extendable! I don't have to move to an entirely different one to make changes that fresh things up and make it work again. Sometimes just a visual (CSS) level change is enough, other times I actually need some type of new functionality. So far there has been a way to make that change happen, every time.
It has been a big relief to not have to waste time and effort searching for and then migrating to new systems just to maintain a decent level of productivity.
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Comment on SEO or traffic direction help in ~comp
Lia Link ParentOkay, thanks for clarifying. My advice is not about SEO so not what you asked, so feel free to ignore. Even though the products are not drop shipping, many of them are in direct competition with...Okay, thanks for clarifying. My advice is not about SEO so not what you asked, so feel free to ignore.
Even though the products are not drop shipping, many of them are in direct competition with drop shipping items until she can develop an identity or some sort of distinguishing characteristic that is simultaneously hard to copy (by drop shippers..) and feels valuable to the customer. Depending on who the customer is, this could be done in a few different ways:
- a uniform visual style that fits the customer's personality and is consistently present across all items, bringing the same customers to this particular shop again and again (this should also be present in the style of the shop),
- ethical/environmental considerations (making the items yourself by hand locally, selecting suppliers that produce ethically and are located in your area, paying attention to materials etc.),
- a message that goes beyond making people smile (not necessarily political though, I mean something that some subsection of people find more deeply touching/relatable and will develop attachment to).
Given that she says her expertise lies in printing, I'd love to see items where the value proposition relies much more heavily on the print itself. That's her main "product" that she's selling and what sets her apart from others.
Could she take those printing techniques to the extremes of her capability and come up with items that aren't available anywhere else? I would go for a lot fewer different product types and more simple products so that the prints will steal the buyer's attention. A rule of thumb: use products that took less human work hours to produce than it takes you to print on it (if not feasible, at least go in that direction as far as possible without sacrificing quality). The simpler the item, the easier it is to fall in love with the unique, high quality print and the message (either visual or conceptual) that it delivers. It would be better to have just a few special items like this than hundreds of things that overwhelm the buyer and that don't immediately reveal what sets them apart. I would also take photos that showcase the quality and uniqueness of the prints, meaning closeups of the texture and whatever else is nice about it that isn't present in your average drop shipping stuff. Finally, increase prices to communicate this isn't an alternative to drop shipping.
So that's obviously a lot of work considering you just wanted SEO help. That's just the thing: if you're doing drop shipping or something equivalent, then SEO is all that matters really because the products are mostly the same basic quality anyway, and it's all about getting the product on as many screens as possible as a part of those will turn into impulse buys. In that case you have to be really into optimising that particular process to do well. If you're clearly intending to not do that, then whatever you're doing should be setting you apart from that landscape. And of course still do SEO on top of that.
I hope this wasn't too ruthless; I'm in an adjacent field myself and we're pretty harsh to each other when commenting on product lines - all with the intention to be actually helpful. Wishing you guys good luck!
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Comment on SEO or traffic direction help in ~comp
Lia Link ParentAt first glance the site just looks like collection of drop-shipping items. Is this actually not the case? Is she making at least some of the products by hand? If so, this should definitely be...everything she does is handcrafted apart from the actual garments
At first glance the site just looks like collection of drop-shipping items. Is this actually not the case? Is she making at least some of the products by hand? If so, this should definitely be communicated more clearly. I would even advice you to not put drop-shipping on the same site with handmade items because it drags the entire selection down wrt the perceived value.
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Comment on ADHD and TODO lists in ~health.mental
Lia LinkI have ADHD and I've solved this one for myself (note: everyone's ADHD manifests differently so your mileage may vary). These often recommended things did not work for me: having multiple to-do...I have ADHD and I've solved this one for myself (note: everyone's ADHD manifests differently so your mileage may vary). These often recommended things did not work for me:
- having multiple to-do lists for different priorities takes too much focus as I have to be actively managing them whenever priorities change, leaving less time and focus for actually doing the things,
- predicting what you'll get done in a day and limiting the list accordingly is simply not feasible - humans are bad at predicting this even without ADHD and I have an exceptionally complex work environment on top of that.
My first working version was in Notion. Brief description:
- ONE single to-do list where I insert everything I can possibly imagine that needs to be done in my future life.
- The list is in a synced block that appears in my daily memo file. A new file is automatically created every day.
- When I feel anxious about my tasks, I spend a moment rearranging the tasks into order of priority. Then I start doing the most important task. Once a task is done, I drag it out of the synced block into another area on the daily file. This creates a list of tasks that I actually got done for each day. The remaining ones will automatically appear on the next day's memo. Over time I get a better idea of what I can expect to do in one day.
The list gets so long so fast that my brain learned that it's not meant to ever get completely done. I don't even see most of the list without scrolling - only the beginning with the most important tasks. I don't have to have any restraint when it comes to adding new tasks, which means adding them can be done without expending mental energy. The only time I actually focus on the list is when rearranging, and that's productive because it immediately alleviates my task-related anxiety.
Nowadays I have a more elaborate system running in Obsidian. It isn't as easy to describe but the main difference is that I'm now dividing my tasks into several different notes/categories across two different vaults: one for work tasks, one for everyday life. I have several QuickAdd commands with keyboard shortcuts that allow me to insert new tasks in the appropriate notes and with the needed parameters so quickly that my focus doesn't break off from whatever I'm actually doing. This has allowed me to list even more tasks and in a more granular way than was ever possible with Notion where inserting is a more cumbersome.
I then have queries that bring up collections of tasks according to what I want to see. I use the Tasks plugin that automatically time stamps a task when I mark it done, and my daily note has a query that collates every done task from that day. I have even less anxiety now because I get to mark even smaller scale tasks done, which means I'll have produced a decently sized list at the end of each day.
TLDR: whatever you can do that helps you focus on what you've accomplished, rather than what hasn't been done yet, will help tremendously.
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Comment on I have a specific question about returning to your creative side after a long hiatus in ~creative
Lia LinkShort answer: sketching. However, sketching can be dangerous! As soon as you give some form, any form, to an idea, the idea itself changes and loses a bunch of characteristics. You can only sketch...Short answer: sketching.
However, sketching can be dangerous! As soon as you give some form, any form, to an idea, the idea itself changes and loses a bunch of characteristics. You can only sketch a particular facet (or a few) of the idea before losing the rest. This is why the act of sketching can feel painful and destructive. The only solution is to keep sketching anyway. Over time, you'll develop a skill that lets you pick the desired facet with increasing accuracy in terms of what you most value about your idea, and that makes it easier to tolerate that you're also letting go of the rest.
It's a good idea to experiment with a broad range of sketching techniques, as the chosen technique can largely determine the range of attainable results. Even if your idea is visual, you may want to make a verbal sketch, describing the core idea to yourself rather than using a drawing tool. A voice note may yield a different result than writing. Same for typing vs. handwriting. If you do use pen and paper, again there are a number of different techniques to choose from. I recommend trying a medium that is counter-intuitive to your intended result, such as modelling clay for paintings, crayons on paper for music, etc.
When you find a technique that works for you, have the process streamlined so that you are able to sketch whenever and wherever an idea comes to you. You should be able to automatically whip out your tools without having to focus on looking for them, because the shift in focus will cause the idea to shift (not always a bad thing but it's better to have the ability to catch it immediately). Teach yourself to respect the ideas and actually do the sketch every time, even if you wake in the middle of the night to an idea.
If you absolutely can't sketch immediately for some reason, you can try to make a condensed verbal sketch and then memorise the words.
As others have said: this will become easier and start feeling more productive the more you practice. Sketching is a great way to overcome self-doubt because it's not intended to produce any workable result. It's just a practice that you do without worrying about the results. Sometimes you get something you want to take further, most of the time not, but every time you've given yourself the practice that you need to become proficient. Browse through your old material time to time. For myself, sometimes it takes years to realise something in my sketch stash is valuable.
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia Link ParentI forgot to respond to this. Yes, it's perfectly fine to "curate" your profile so that the belly isn't an attention-grabbing centerpiece. At first I got the impression that you cut it out...Let me put it this way: if you had 1000 photos of yourself to choose from, from many times, angles, expressions, postures, and settings. Would you put in your profile the photos that make you feel more confident or more insecure? I am clearly insecure about my belly, so I naturally gravitate to pictures in which it is not as salient. I think I can be afforded that vanity, no?
I forgot to respond to this. Yes, it's perfectly fine to "curate" your profile so that the belly isn't an attention-grabbing centerpiece. At first I got the impression that you cut it out entirely, as in only had photos showing your face and shoulders. If you had some that showed your normally dressed figure, then it's again a case of not outright lying and therefore not a problem.
I want to thank you again for writing point 13 about courtship and accepting rejection gracefully. I wish everyone could be taught this at school or something. The world would be so much better!
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia Link ParentOkay, I misinterpreted some of what you were saying. I agree that picking the best photos out of a bunch isn't a bad idea and thinking of what to say or not, etc. There's limited space for...Okay, I misinterpreted some of what you were saying.
I agree that picking the best photos out of a bunch isn't a bad idea and thinking of what to say or not, etc. There's limited space for information so naturally your profile will be curated in some way.
I personally don't have my hair and make up done in most photos and there's only one where I'm not doing everyday things (hobbies count as everyday!). I very much care about the life I'd be sharing with my future partner.
I also care about their flaws because tolerable flaws is a far better indicator of compatibility than enjoying each other's good traits. Like I said before, I put a huge emphasis on the written bio and I love seeing someone portray themselves in a way that communicates deep self-awareness and acceptance. Hard to do within 500 characters, sure, but not impossible. This is what I mean by authenticity. Perhaps your definition for the word is inherently negatively charged?
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia Link ParentIn your case it probably didn't matter one way or another, seeing as you didn't outright lie. I have a friend who misrepresents his age. He can get away with it for a while because he does look...I understand. In my experience, no one ever cared, and if they asked, I pretty much laughed and said what I wrote in #6. I must say, at that period, I was very insecure about my career status, and that was probably why I wrote that. In the end, as I say, the women didn't really care or pressed me about it. So I might as well just have said I was a film major and leave it that.
In your case it probably didn't matter one way or another, seeing as you didn't outright lie. I have a friend who misrepresents his age. He can get away with it for a while because he does look younger than his age. At some point the truth comes out though. He tells me that most women are okay with it. But he also tends to end up with women that he eventually gets frustrated with because they lack integrity. I mean, why filter out the high integrity people by lying to them if that's what you really care about?
Just picture this: suppose you are in love with an astronaut. When they passionately talk about their job, are you enchanted by orbital dynamics or the allure of the cosmos that somehow lives through? That is what someone might a "healthy fantasy" because without that kind of endearment that goes beyond the strictly actual, love is not really possible. I don't know. Maybe that's a bad explanation. Bad poetry. Sorry.
No, that's a perfect explanation of what you actually meant and I do agree! There is more to us than the mundane, even though everyday life compatibility is very important, to me at least. Ideally I want to find both.
For me, compatibility is ultimately about finding someone whose less savoury traits are tolerable to you and yours to them. Best case scenario: you actually like some of their traits that many others see as flaws. Most people have some traits that I admire. Some people have lots of them, plus overlapping interests and more or less matching values. Finding someone like this isn't super hard. But compatibility comes from matching flaws, and that to me is the hardest to find because so many people have been socialised to hide theirs at all costs.
At some point, I learned that, if you match everyone, you'll soon get tangled in conversations with people you have nothing in common with. That's not fun.
Very true. Also, at least on Tinder, the algorithm will limit your visibility if you mass-swipe on everyone. It indicates low effort and makes for a worse experience for the people being swiped on which is usually women, seeing as heterosexual men are more commonly mass swiping. The apps already have a problem with too few women using them so of course they're trying to keep as many happy as they can.
I only chose to keep one, because talking to her was genuinely exciting, she was interested in what I had to say and vice-versa. We talked for months during the pandemic without meeting. That woman is my wife ;)
Yay, congrats! This is actually how I decide whether or not I'll go on a date. If I'm excited to talk with them, then I know it's going to be a fun date regardless of outcomes. I don't often come by someone like this, but I'd rather meet just a couple people a year than get exhausted and jaded from frequent dates that feel like work.
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia Link ParentI also have a male friend who was casting a wide net and getting nowhere. He listened to my advice, made changes accordingly and has been doing decently ever since. Then there's the guy commenting...I also have a male friend who was casting a wide net and getting nowhere. He listened to my advice, made changes accordingly and has been doing decently ever since. Then there's the guy commenting on here who says he is average looking, who did it the way I would recommend (more or less) and had a good experience.
Every time I hear of someone having a bad experience, they're trying to appeal to as many users as possible. Just saying.
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia (edited )Link ParentYou are responding to someone who routinely matches with plain looking guys with authentic profiles.I mean you're just wrong. Authentic profiles don't get any matches unless you are naturally good looking
You are responding to someone who routinely matches with plain looking guys with authentic profiles.
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia Link ParentMatch.com bought it and started taking down the best features one by one. Including sabotaging the match algorithm itself. Most recently they removed the ability to choose which questionnaire...I'm curious what happened to OKC?
Match.com bought it and started taking down the best features one by one. Including sabotaging the match algorithm itself. Most recently they removed the ability to choose which questionnaire answers matter to you and the opportunity to add a written explanation of the answers. You can also no longer freely search and browse profiles based on match percentage, location or other factors (not sure if these are available for paying customers). Also, it's now based on swiping like all the others, not browsing a feed like it used to be.
It's effectively like Tinder with a poor questionnaire and more room to write a bio. The latter feature is why I'm still on it.
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia Link ParentWhat a great write-up! I'd like to review some of your pointers. For context, I'm a woman in my 40s, I've been online dating since its inception and it's been mostly a positive experience for me....What a great write-up! I'd like to review some of your pointers.
For context, I'm a woman in my 40s, I've been online dating since its inception and it's been mostly a positive experience for me. The results so far: found the love of my life (13 years together), one other serious LTR, three solid forever type friendships, a bunch of nice dates and only two truly bad dates over the decades I've been doing this.
Points 1 - 5: I agree 100%. No further comments.
6: You don't have to be brutally honest or self flagellating, but going too far into the other direction will ensure there's a deflating experience in your future (if they care about the thing you misrepresented) or at best, it won't get you any extra benefit. In my experience being positively surprised is way better than being disappointed and disproportionately so. Meaning when it occurs to me that the guy I'm seeing deliberately did not tell me everything about himself that he knows to be attractive, this makes me more excited than the reverse experience makes me disappointed.
7: Not sure about the fantasy vs. reality thing when applied to photos (or otherwise). Pushed too far, fantasy can work against you. I'm looking for a normal person, not a professional mountain climber slash triathlonist slash competitive ballroom dancer slash vintage car restoration enthusiast who will be unable to kick back in our pajamas and watch a film with me on the couch. Obviously, diverse photos that show what you actually look like, how you dress and what your life is like are good to have.
10: Look, I'm a smart person. I am able to decide whether or not your big belly is such a dealbreaker to me that it's not worth it to start talking to you even if your profile is otherwise extremely intriguing (it isn't - I mean the belly isn't that big of a dealbreaker). I like men who are able to let me make my own decisions and who trust that I'm able to make good ones. Also refer to item 6.
11: I don't ever pay for Tinder and I've matched with lots of average guys who also don't. I really don't think it's necessary but I admit that I don't have full visibility on what it's like for guys. As for myself, if I paid to see likes, would I then start matching with only those people who already liked me? If yes, and the other person does the same, then I will never match with some highly compatible people just because neither person liked the other first. No thank you.
12: Yes. Saying something about the person's profile is a great way to show you've actually read it and your like is at least partially based on it. Would recommend! I'd even go as far as "If there's nothing in their profile that made you interested enough to mention, then don't match with them".
13: Perfectly said, all of it.
14: Yes to both the generic advise (identify your strengths) and the particular experience you describe. Chatting long enough to actually get excited makes for a MUCH better first date. Almost everyone is trying to rush things and not only can that come off as insecure, it also means that a lot of the boring basic stuff that could have been covered by messaging will now be covered on the date.
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia (edited )Link ParentNo worries, I wasn't personally offended. It's just something I see quite often, even with some real life friends of mine: coming up with a strategy that effectively removes your best matches from...No worries, I wasn't personally offended. It's just something I see quite often, even with some real life friends of mine: coming up with a strategy that effectively removes your best matches from your dating pool, even when they are on the same app and see your profile.
Strategies geared towards casting the widest possible net are like looking for a needle in a haystack and asking for more hay. Unless of course you're specifically looking for someone who represents the average user of the apps. I don't know you personally so perhaps my comment was out of place in that respect.
Editing to add: About having "a ton of requirements". If you read again, you'll probably notice that I'm not exceptionally picky at all. I just look for people who are able and willing to show themselves. Most are not. They seem to be trying to get someone to like them based on their looks or other superficial things. That's fine but not what I'm looking for. Valuing authenticity doesn't mean I automatically have a ton of requirements - in fact I bet these are negatively correlated if anything.
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia Link ParentAre you looking for a woman with a 1-3 second attention span? As someone on the other side of the fence, this feels kind of degrading. I have an infinite attention span for interesting people and...Are you looking for a woman with a 1-3 second attention span? As someone on the other side of the fence, this feels kind of degrading.
I have an infinite attention span for interesting people and admittedly a very short one for cliché profiles that don't stand out. When I'm swiping on Tinder, my eyes are locked to the section that shows the beginning of your bio. If there's nothing there, or just a row of emojis, or something negative, or an empty hand-wavy cliché phrase, I move on.
If I see the beginning of what could be an intriguing high-effort text, I open the profile and read it. If I really like the bio, I check for dealbreakers in the checkbox section. If there are none, I check the photos. I don't care about genetics but sometimes I find a person's style off-putting (greasy hair, those thin long curtain type beards, neck tattoos, very gaudy clothing if the person doesn't have an eye for style, etc.). If I don't dislike what I see, I will send a like and a message.
Profiles like this are so rare that I absolutely swipe through the paid users regularly. My city isn't huge so a few days of active swiping gets me through all available profiles and I start seeing them all again (some are shown again more often, probably the ones who paid to increase their visibility or who already liked mine). After swiping through all the profiles that the algorithm believes are attractive to me, I start seeing all types of profiles. I've been shown and matched with celebrities, a person who travels in a helicopter and CEO:s of successful companies. I also see regular people living completely normal lives, and I see people who seem borderline homeless. I see completely empty profiles, profiles with only landscape photos and no text, etc. I don't believe that there's anyone the app isn't showing me after I've been browsing for a while. Of course this process takes longer in a larger city, but given how many times I've already gone through the entire stack in my city, I would have seen everyone by now in a city 3-4 times as large.
If I were a guy looking for a woman like me, I'd put all my effort and energy towards creating a profile that communicates my character, values and dreams as fully as possible. It's not so much about if she sees your profile. Rather: when she sees your profile, will she a) open it to read, and b) recognise from it what a great match you two are.
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Comment on Fed up, singles are DIYing their own dating apps in ~life
Lia Link ParentFor what it's worth, talking yourself up is not necessary in my opinion and can even be off-putting. I tend to swipe left anyone who claims to possess any universally admired traits (honest, good...I really don't like talking myself up (despite my previous comment) so its difficult for me to do so on a dating app, but its probably necessary to have at least some bravado in your profile.
For what it's worth, talking yourself up is not necessary in my opinion and can even be off-putting. I tend to swipe left anyone who claims to possess any universally admired traits (honest, good sense of humour, emotionally stable, well off, positive attitude, reliable). You should rather have a profile that shows you are those things without having to explicitly say so - for example, write in a way that makes me laugh rather than say "I will make you laugh".
Akir is right about the importance of standing out though. Openly communicating your polarising traits/interests makes you stand out in a positive way. As long as you're not apologetic about it, no extra bravado is needed. Just the mere mention that you do needlepoint work as a hobby shows that you have healthy confidence. Almost everyone I see is trying to cast as wide a net as possible, but that's not attractive because it does make a profile seem very boring, and it makes my job a lot harder when I have no idea what the person is actually like.
For context, I'm a woman in my 40's and I've been online dating ever since the first dating site was launched in my country.
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Comment on Avoidant personality disorder vs (covert) narcissist accusations in ~health.mental
Lia LinkLet me ask you something. Does it really matter whether or not you fit someone's description of "a narcissist" (however vague or unprofessional)? If yes, then what are you more precisely concerned...Let me ask you something. Does it really matter whether or not you fit someone's description of "a narcissist" (however vague or unprofessional)? If yes, then what are you more precisely concerned about? Is it the fact that narcissists are known/said to be unable to change? I can see how that prospect could feel demoralising and intimidating, but I'm also quite confident when I say that you do not fit that bill. Yes, even without knowing you at all.
An irredeemably narcissistic person is someone who does not understand why their behaviour is hurtful for others. This lack of understanding + an inability to develop understanding is what makes someone unable to change. You seem acutely aware of your shortcomings and extremely keen to change for the better.
Let's face it: you probably do have some traits that pose a challenge to you and/or others around you. Again, I don't know anything about you, but for example: You might be overly impatient wrt your self development, feeling that you should be perfect already, which makes it hard to give yourself a chance to grow at a realistic rate. You might try to appear better or more accommodating than you are actually, which is emotionally very hard for you and disappointing for others whenever you fall short of the unrealistic image of yourself that results from this. You might not have full awareness of what you want, what makes you happy, and as a result you may be acting against your own best interest at times. This too can affect the people around you when they can't trust that you are on your own side and protecting your own well being.
We all have personality traits that are unbecoming and difficult, to a lesser or greater degree. I have them, you have them and every single friend of yours has them. All that really matters in the end is if we are willing to recognise ours, accept them and work on them.
In conclusion, would it help to reframe the "Am I a narcissist?" and rather ask "Am I irredeemable?" How would you evaluate this? Does one person's opinion make you irredeemable? No. If you have demonstrated any amount of growth in your life and you are motivated to grow further, you are not irredeemable. Ask yourself what things you will need, going forward, to enable your personal growth. Also, think of what things are hindering your growth at the moment. Perhaps a friend who thinks overly negatively of your potential isn't the best company for you right now?
You are allowed to put your needs first before others - in fact this is your obligation as a human being. I hope that you find a functional way to structure your everyday life and enough simple pleasures that you no longer feel the need to abuse substances or engage in other addictive behaviours like social media. If in that process you end up losing a friend or two, then you will gain better ones after you've reached a healthy balance. Or form better friendships with the same people. Whatever you do, do not pay too much attention or give too much of your time to someone who would armchair diagnose others rather than focus on his own personal growth.
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Comment on We unleashed Facebook and Instagram’s algorithms on blank accounts. They served up sexism and misogyny. in ~tech
Lia Link ParentI'm a human with primitive emotional responses wired into my brain. If I see a traffic accident where someone gets killed, I'm going to look at it. This is not a reasonable justification to start...I’m a straight male… if you put an image of an attractive woman in front of me, I’m gonna look at it.
I'm a human with primitive emotional responses wired into my brain. If I see a traffic accident where someone gets killed, I'm going to look at it. This is not a reasonable justification to start showing me traffic accidents that I haven't subscribed to, liked, or otherwise interacted with.
The whole point here is that social media platforms are abusing our primitive wiring to make us worse off than we started out, and that they should stop doing that.
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Comment on Kamala Harris lacks charisma and time in ~society
Lia Link ParentDo you think that there are any people in US politics who made it this far who are not / were not power hungry? Without knowing much about the system over there, my own country is a lot more...it's also possible that she has been power hungry her entire life
Do you think that there are any people in US politics who made it this far who are not / were not power hungry?
Without knowing much about the system over there, my own country is a lot more relaxed in terms of funding needed to run for a political position and the hustling required to be considered a serious candidate, among other things. And yet, even here, you absolutely have to be more hungry for power than the average person in order to get elected (or otherwise given a chance to work within the political system).
This is like losing respect for Usain Bolt upon finding out that he likes running.
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Comment on What's a life lesson you've applied that has changed your life? in ~life
Lia LinkAs a teenager I decided to follow Hanlon's razor as a guiding principle: 'Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by ignorance'. I think the original quote ends with...As a teenager I decided to follow Hanlon's razor as a guiding principle:
'Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by ignorance'. I think the original quote ends with "stupidity" but I prefer not to see more stupidity around me than absolutely necessary. :D Extending unconditional positive regard to others has turned my life around in many ways. The first time it backfired was a relationship I had in my late 30's. I learned that some people will use this outlook against me if given the chance. I haven't abandoned the principle but I do take some precautions with people I don't yet know well.Another thought that helped me grow into a full person:
'Caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt.'
(They change their sky, not their soul, those who rush across the sea.)
Horace, The Odes of HoraceMy takeaway: if I'm unhappy with something or someone, I try to change myself first before deciding that my unhappiness is someone else's fault. Usually it works. The times when it doesn't, it's a lot easier to then do what it takes to rectify matters, even if it means I have to disappoint people or make a sacrifice to get where I want to be.
Right now I have the following as the first thing I see when opening my Obsidian vault:
'Everything you want is on the other side of fear.'
I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but in the past I've had one dysfunctional and several functional relationships, one of which more than a decade long. I'll compare the two scenarios. For context, I've never betrayed a partner and never really even come close to wanting to do so.
Functional relationship: During our 13 years together, my partner never asked to see my phone, but if he had, I would have had no problem handing it over. (A few times I asked him to check something on my phone for me when it was inconvenient to do myself.)
I would have let him go through every bit of content on my phone without a problem. Certainly some things on there would have raised questions and some may have had potential to be hurtful, to some extent. But me and him were discussing things like this actively anyway and we always got through those conversations without damaging the relationship. I could also fully trust that he wouldn't pay attention to private information about my friends or other people, should he see some. It's none of his business and doesn't interest him. We were business partners so any business secrets he was already in on. Conclusion: no such secrets were on my phone that he couldn't be allowed to see.
Dysfunctional relationship: This was a person who clearly did not trust me and looked for reassurance in other ways, such as asking other people for opinions about me and my behaviour, asking me to provide proof for things that were impossible to prove, looking for all sorts of discrepancies in my communication that could indicate deception, etc. One time he wanted me to send a selfie from a restaurant I was in and when I did that, he started questioning me on why the sun seemed to be coming from a different direction than it should, given the time of day and the location of the restaurant. I couldn't give a satisfactory explanation. All I knew was that I'd been where and when I said I was.
If someone like this wanted to see my phone, I would probably still let them see it, but I wouldn't enthusiastically participate in the ensuing inquisition. I already know it's a losing game for both people. Rather, I would likely make an internal decision that the relationship is over and then just let it play out.
Conclusion: If you can't trust your partner to be able to handle what's on your phone / to not be deceitful (trust goes both ways), the relationship isn't going to work. That's regardless of whether phones are looked at or not.