Lia's recent activity
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Comment on Non-queer men of Tildes: PLEASE consider before commenting on ~life.women and ~lgbt without careful consideration. We are losing members over this issue. in ~tildes
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Comment on #YesAllMen #NotAllMen #MaybeSomeMen How to be better? in ~life.men
Lia Link Parent"That", as in.. what exactly? As you say, we don't know because we weren't there. My read on that situation is that it could have been quite bad and the woman may have been in need of support but...Of course, things like that can definitely be problematic and I don't want to minimize how important consent and reading signals from your partner are but at the same time I think I understand why young people are having a lot less sex if that's considered weird/creepy these days.
"That", as in.. what exactly? As you say, we don't know because we weren't there.
My read on that situation is that it could have been quite bad and the woman may have been in need of support but struggling to express that directly. It is equally possible that it wasn't bad at all. But we don't know that, so someone caring won't assume so without checking first.
If we act like everything is okay and just joke about it, the signal it sends is something like: 'Even if there was a problem and you felt uncomfortable, I don't want to know about it. Let's just pretend you had a fun time'.
Instead, before reacting, we can ask things like: 'Did it feel uncomfortable? Are you scared as in worried about tomorrow, or just excited? Would you cancel a date with someone who made you uncomfortable?' The same questions aren't appropriate in every situation - it depends on how the person responds and the relationship between the two.
In any case a good listener is curious about the other person, willing to change their perception and actively creating space for it. Anyone who is merely reacting to what they think others meant is bound to miss a bunch of essential information because a) misinterpretations always happen, sooner or later, and b) people usually only volunteer their insecurities and shameful thoughts to someone they deem safe enough. And signaling - however unintentionally - that you don't want to know about it is a good way to make yourself feel unsafe.
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Comment on Non-queer men of Tildes: PLEASE consider before commenting on ~life.women and ~lgbt without careful consideration. We are losing members over this issue. in ~tildes
Lia Link ParentI would really like to see it as well. (Ideally I'd like for the admin/mods to take away labeling ability from users who repeatedly label things on a whim, based on the explanation. But I wouldn't...I do wish the exemplary tag text was public, because I'd love to see their explanation.
I would really like to see it as well.
(Ideally I'd like for the admin/mods to take away labeling ability from users who repeatedly label things on a whim, based on the explanation. But I wouldn't want to burden them with more tasks and this kind of thing isn't going to happen anyway given that new features are not planned.)
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Comment on Non-queer men of Tildes: PLEASE consider before commenting on ~life.women and ~lgbt without careful consideration. We are losing members over this issue. in ~tildes
Lia (edited )LinkThanks for posting. I'm sorry to find that another user has decided to leave. When some person or behaviour ticks me off, trying to understand where they're coming from has been helpful. Some...Thanks for posting. I'm sorry to find that another user has decided to leave.
When some person or behaviour ticks me off, trying to understand where they're coming from has been helpful. Some behaviours seem to fall outside of my ability to understand, as well as that of the people who exhibit them, it seems. When I ask about it directly, there's usually no response - just an empty stare. I would be interested in responses from people on Tildes who admit to sometimes making the following statement and feel like they can shed some light on the mechanism:
'I haven't seen/experienced this so it's not a real issue.'What happens in your mind/body/emotions that allows you to construct such strange logic? Looking at it from the outside, it seems that this person must hold one of the following beliefs:
- I am the only person in the world, therefore only my personal experience counts. Other people are artifacts of my imagination so their experiences do not count. = "I haven't experienced this so it genuinely does not exist."
- If other people do exist that have experienced said thing, they must be somehow inferior and therefore their experience, even if real, doesn't matter. Superior people like myself have no such experiences so I don't need to concern myself with them. = "This is not a problem in my life so it's not a problem at all."
- Anyone who says their experience differs from mine must be lying. I need scientific evidence of what they're saying if I am to even consider it might be true. = "People are liars by default and I'm fighting the good fight by calling them out."
Do any of these feel familiar and have I missed something? I'm especially looking for responses from people who actually use this type of logic as part of their conversational toolkit.
(I believe the overwhelming majority of people are decent and try to do the right thing. If this question sounds accusatory, it is not my intention. I just don't know how else to interpret the belief system that this type of response stems from. If anyone can describe it better, please share!)
EDIT: Wow, I'm blown away by the many great responses to this. I wish I had the time to comment under each one individually but I'm in the middle of a demanding renovation and the call of my circular saw is just too attractive right now. I may come back to comment later. As a one-liner, let me just say I love how many awesome men we have on Tildes!
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Comment on Men in tech #YesAllMen in ~life.women
Lia Link ParentI live in one such top rated country. My mom worked for an international pharma conglomerate's country division. Her pay was substantially (about 30%) lower than everyone else's who worked similar...The highest gender equality index in the EU and among the highest in the world.
I live in one such top rated country.
My mom worked for an international pharma conglomerate's country division. Her pay was substantially (about 30%) lower than everyone else's who worked similar positions, despite the fact that the department she was managing consistently outperformed all others every year, by a lot. After years of this she finally worked up the courage to ask for a raise. Her boss said: 'You already have the highest salary out of all the women in this company'.
Sometimes the best/highest is not even close to good enough.
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Comment on Is there a way to write/draw notes on web pages (in the browser, visible to myself only and stored locally on my computer) that are always there when I revisit the page? in ~tech
Lia Link ParentOther than that it would have been great for me! Thanks for the suggestion.Annotations are meant for quick communication and screenshots. Persistence between reloads is not guaranteed.
Other than that it would have been great for me! Thanks for the suggestion.
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Comment on Is there a way to write/draw notes on web pages (in the browser, visible to myself only and stored locally on my computer) that are always there when I revisit the page? in ~tech
Lia Link ParentThanks for the recommendation and sorry I didn't respond sooner. This looks like what I was looking for and I'll try it out once my schedule clears!Thanks for the recommendation and sorry I didn't respond sooner. This looks like what I was looking for and I'll try it out once my schedule clears!
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Comment on Is there a way to write/draw notes on web pages (in the browser, visible to myself only and stored locally on my computer) that are always there when I revisit the page? in ~tech
Lia Link ParentThank you for taking the time to write this response! I was too pressed for time to respond but you helped me figure out my options. I'll probably need to develop a system that makes implementing...Thank you for taking the time to write this response! I was too pressed for time to respond but you helped me figure out my options. I'll probably need to develop a system that makes implementing this frictionless and for that I need a vacation or something.. :D
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Comment on Does Tildes welcomes “self-promoting” links to personal blog posts? in ~tildes
Lia LinkI don't know if you're abusing the rule or not but you have been posting your blog frequently enough that I personally have decided to filter it out of my feed. (I'm just one person though and...I don't know if you're abusing the rule or not but you have been posting your blog frequently enough that I personally have decided to filter it out of my feed. (I'm just one person though and most likely not your intended audience, so take that for what it's worth.)
I don't think you are anywhere near the worst offenders, the people whose behaviour makes having that rule necessary. I don't think you need to fear getting banned or anything like that. However, the reason I'm active on Tildes is that people share extremely valuable and/or interesting content on here. Especially for link topics, someone just posting their own blog doesn't really fit that idea. I see link topics as reading recommendations and recommending your own content is superfluous: of course you would recommend it, otherwise you wouldn't have written it in the first place. In my opinion the recommendation to read should come from someone else who loved it enough to post a link. And I know that's an extremely high bar to clear, but that high bar is the reason why I'm on Tildes.
In fairness I should add that I also dislike it when people post links to content that is mostly or entirely advertising - for example blogs or tweets about AI, written by some big AI company. Although this meets the above requirement of someone being enough of a fanboy of someone else's content that they take it upon themself to post a link, it's still disappointing all the same. Those posts are more palatable if the person at least took the time to explain why they found the content worth posting and perhaps included some quotes that make it easier for me to evaluate whether or not I want to click and read. Usually I don't, but I haven't felt the need to erase these from my feed because it's easy enough to weigh each case individually without clicking out of Tildes.
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Comment on Solo developer rebuilds Adobe Creative Suite in Rust using Claude, releases it free to all in ~tech
Lia Link ParentWithout checking, I suspect that this Adobe remake isn't actually useful for pros, especially if professional people weren't overseeing its development and checking each feature's functionality by...I suspect that this adobe remake would be just as possible using Kimi k3.
Without checking, I suspect that this Adobe remake isn't actually useful for pros, especially if professional people weren't overseeing its development and checking each feature's functionality by hand.
I'm using pre-Canva era Affinity software that had been in development for years before I bought the license. It's pretty good but missing some things and some tools are of poor quality, while some others are actually better than Adobe's (but different, which goes to show that it can be better to make your own thing rather than to just copy an existing thing). I'm sure a capable person could put something similar together a lot faster now with some really good AI models, but I don't think the bottleneck is entirely in programming. It's in knowing what to program and why, so that the end result is actually useful. For that you need to receive feedback, decide what to focus on (and why, for whom, etc.), make the thing better and rinse and repeat.
Even if the programming part is now faster, getting to a truly useful product is still a lot of work, so why would anyone do it for free? -> If it's completely free, no strings attached and no malware etc., then it's probably not worth my time.
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Comment on Tilderinos who split after long (10–15 years) relationships: what led to it and how did it happen? in ~life.men
Lia Link ParentThis is really good advice, much more profound than it looks. Thanks for sharing!know yourself and show yourself
This is really good advice, much more profound than it looks. Thanks for sharing!
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Comment on Tilderinos who split after long (10–15 years) relationships: what led to it and how did it happen? in ~life.men
Lia Link ParentNo offense taken. Have you known this person for longer or just the time you've been together? Getting to really know someone takes a long time. And one way to understand love is that if you don't...No offense taken.
Have you known this person for longer or just the time you've been together? Getting to really know someone takes a long time. And one way to understand love is that if you don't know someone, you can't actually fully love them yet. You can experience a feeling of love and it can feel overwhelmingly strong, but the object of that feeling may be your idea of that person rather than the actual person as a separate entity from yourself. And this probably goes for both people. She may have a partially false idea of you that makes her want to remain friends - you may have a partially false idea of her that makes you feel in a particular way about her that gets in the way.
Before my current relationship, I was friends with someone that eventually turned into an FWB-like arrangement. We ended it last year, adhering to the agreement we made in the beginning that it would remain temporary. I really appreciated his friendhip and would have wanted for us to stay friends afterwards. He agreed but I haven't heard from him in over six months, after sending a fairly normal email to catch up that we used to exchange regularly.
I may never find out what happened or I may hear from him tomorrow, who knows. The way our breakup went down makes me believe I didn't know him as well as I thought I did, and vice versa. And of course we didn't: we were only four years in and our communication wasn't as frequent as in a proper relationship (we were long distance too). When I said I wanted to continue the friendship, I really meant "I'd like to keep getting to know you better". Breaking up was hard and I learned many things about him that I hadn't realised before. For him, perhaps being friends would have meant giving and receiving frequent support and company in the form of exchanging messages. I have limited social energy so I told him I wouldn't be able to keep up with the same frequency if I wanted to start dating and developing a romantic relationship with someone else.
From my side, I have no ill will and he will be welcome in my life, should he ever want to rekindle the friendship. Maybe there are other things that must take place in his life before he's ready to try. Maybe getting to know me as I am shattered some parts of his idea about me and it was too painful to deal with, and he needs time to get over it. Maybe he won't ever want to do the infrequent catchups I would be able to do and it's better for him to just not be in contact at all. These are all just guesses and the real reason doesn't matter.
What matters is I loved him and love him as a friend - meaning I want the best possible life for him and I'm rooting for him to be happy, with or without me in his life.
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Comment on Tilderinos who split after long (10–15 years) relationships: what led to it and how did it happen? in ~life.men
Lia Link ParentYep. I see it as the reward for all the effort we put in when we started dating. We had several fairly severe arguments and both people had to learn to trust the other and figure out new ways to...Yep. I see it as the reward for all the effort we put in when we started dating. We had several fairly severe arguments and both people had to learn to trust the other and figure out new ways to communicate. Learning to understand the concept of responsibility was probably the hardest part. It doesn't really get taught to us when growing up and applying it to our personal lives necessitates being in touch with our own emotions to an extent that many struggle with (for various reasons).
However demanding it may have been, the reward was a relationship so happy and functional that even ending it wasn't too hard to handle.
I'm likewise very happy to see other people have similar experiences. <3
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Comment on Solo developer rebuilds Adobe Creative Suite in Rust using Claude, releases it free to all in ~tech
Lia Link ParentCurrent pricing is deliberately set so that the companies are operating at a massive loss, to get users hooked. We don't know what the actual cost is going to be.The cost of code has hit rock bottom
Current pricing is deliberately set so that the companies are operating at a massive loss, to get users hooked. We don't know what the actual cost is going to be.
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Comment on Tilderinos who split after long (10–15 years) relationships: what led to it and how did it happen? in ~life.men
Lia LinkMy ex and I ended our relationship after 13 years about a decade ago. It was a great, functional relationship and we were soulmates from the day we met. Towards the end we started fighting. In...My ex and I ended our relationship after 13 years about a decade ago.
It was a great, functional relationship and we were soulmates from the day we met. Towards the end we started fighting. In hindsight the ultimate reason for this was pretty straightforward: we had tried to conceive for a number of years, had some awful experiences, got through them together like we always did when shit hit the fan, but at the same time I started realising I may not want kids at all - not even if a best case scenario could be guaranteed for us (which is never the case, so one should in fact only go for kids if willing to accept less than ideal scenarios as well). His lifelong dream on the other hand was to have multiple kids and he was not able to let go of that dream. Our fights probably stemmed from both people slowly realising that there was no future for us on this Earth even though we loved each other and had been through thick and thin, and always thought we'd be together forever.
I still remember the moment when it started unravelling for us: during one of our hard conversations I said something like 'I'm scared that if we go through very invasive fertility treatments that mess up my career, body and mental health, and if even that won't give us a living, healthy kid, you would leave me on top of an already taxing experience'. He said 'Well that wouldn't be fair'. I know him and the way he uses language, so I instantly knew he couldn't actually be certain he wouldn't in fact do just that. So I decided it was better to let him leave me before going through such an ordeal rather than after going through it, especially as I didn't want to have a kid so badly that I wouldn't have regretted the outcome if it should go down that way.
I was the one who put it into words first because he didn't seem to be able to admit to himself that he wanted to break up. He suggested considering polyamory as one type of solution but I'm naturally extremely monogamous and it has always been clear to me that I want the benefits of a deeply monogamous relationship over those of a poly setup. So fairly quickly we agreed that a breakup needed to happen.
He got himself a rental flat and moved in there some time later. This was because our home was also my workspace so it was easier for him to leave. I wasn't able to cover the cost of the space on my own so I looked for other people to share it. I wasn't functional in the very beginning though, so my ex (whose income was a lot more than mine) covered for the costs of the space for about six months to give me a chance to recover and work out a plan.
When he moved out, we had already discussed everything many times and we both knew breaking up was the right move, but obviously it still hurt like hell and felt like a massive loss - equal to the death of a loved one. It was the only time I've seen him cry. We both started individual therapy (we also did a few sessions of couples' therapy when we were still unsure of how to proceed). My ex found Bruce Fisher's book Rebuilding and recommended it so we both read it around the same time when processing the breakup. I now recommend it to everyone who is ending a serious relationship. I can't begin to describe how much I've benefited from reading it (I think I've read it three times by now).
We weren't married but in my country a commonlaw partner is entitled to similar benefits than a married partner would be in case of a divorce if the relationship was long. I would have been entitled to some of his assets that had been accumulated during the relationship but I didn't pursue that because the law is meant to protect the partner who sacrificed their career so that the other could earn more. I didn't sacrifice my career for my ex - if anything it was the other way around - so I felt it was only fair that each person simply walk away with what they have.
We went no contact for the first six months and then low contact for another six months. After that we were ready to start forming a friendship and started having regular brunch dates, exchanging dating stories, giving each other advice and general support. Today he is like a brother to me. I love his wife and kids who are all just very lovely, kind hearted and funny people and they love me back. I'm grateful and happy that we broke up even though it was extremely hard, and for the way we did it. I have since been on a big self-discovery and self-development journey that is still somewhat ongoing. I've grown into a person that I really love being. Despite how amazing this relationship was, had we stayed together I most likely wouldn't be this happy with myself because it took some really tough experiences and dealing with them on my own to get where I am today.
Part of me is still sad that I had to let go of the dream of growing old with the person I fell in love with in my 20s, but this kind of sadness is part of life and I wouldn't change the decision even if I could. I love my life and my current partner, and I love that I still have this amazing man in my life who knew me when I was 25 and still knows me very well, even though we don't have time to meet very often. I'm glad that losing the romantic relationship we had didn't have to mean losing the person.
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Comment on Anyone else have Inattentive ADHD? in ~health.mental
Lia LinkADHD-PI over here. No time to participate in the thread atm, just wanted to leave a note. I was finally diagnosed in my 40s because although according to one doctor I am a textbook case, being a...ADHD-PI over here. No time to participate in the thread atm, just wanted to leave a note. I was finally diagnosed in my 40s because although according to one doctor I am a textbook case, being a woman and having the inattentive type had me fly under the radar. It's awful but knowing what it is means you'll be able to slowly make things better for yourself. Good luck!
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Is there a way to write/draw notes on web pages (in the browser, visible to myself only and stored locally on my computer) that are always there when I revisit the page?
I frequently need to source products and materials for various work projects, often from abroad, which means I can't go to a showroom to inspect quality. The visual quality (and haptic quality,...
I frequently need to source products and materials for various work projects, often from abroad, which means I can't go to a showroom to inspect quality. The visual quality (and haptic quality, which to some extent can be gauged visually) of these things is extremely important and I'm extremely fussy about what I want.
Some companies have started using AI generated product photos. No matter how perfectly they're supposed to represent the product, I really need to see a real photograph to decide whether the product is useful for me. It isn't always immediately apparent that an image is generated. This means that what was already a massive undertaking before has become double that: browsing through hundreds of options globally and painstakingly analysing the quality of each option, but now with the added step of first verifying I can actually trust what I see in the image.
I don't ever want to have to go through this verification step for the same item/company more than once. So I would need a way to blacklist product pages / manufacturer sites in a way that works for any website and is intuitive and quick to use. Ideally, I'd love a way to just put a large red "stamp" or popup (or something else that can't go unnoticed) over the page that tells me I've already inspected that site and it's not trustworthy.
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Comment on Oatly, the world's largest producer of oat milk, is sending a new message to its consumers – most people want their governments to take action on climate change in ~enviro
Lia LinkWow, this is nice! I don't drink milk (any sort) so I wouldn't have seen this were it not for the extra publicity it's generated. The fact that I've seen it probably means that many politicians...Wow, this is nice!
I don't drink milk (any sort) so I wouldn't have seen this were it not for the extra publicity it's generated. The fact that I've seen it probably means that many politicians will see it as well. The message is simple and powerful and the data point it communicates is important for everyone to understand - even those people who belong to the 89%, because there's rampant propaganda coming from the other side claiming they are a minority. This type of thing is easy and cheap for the company to do, the impact could be real, and even if it isn't, no harm done.
I got a similarly warm feeling out of this than the Norwegian government's (was it?) enshittification awareness campaign.
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Comment on When do you know that you've found "the one"? in ~life
Lia LinkThere are things we look for when dating or meeting someone interesting - values and goals that align well enough, sexual and emotional compatibility, absence of red flags, having a fun time...There are things we look for when dating or meeting someone interesting - values and goals that align well enough, sexual and emotional compatibility, absence of red flags, having a fun time together etc. Once I've met someone that feels right, I tend to hold my horses until I've had at least a couple major disagreements with them and gotten to see and experience their negative personality traits (which every human has), and they mine. That's when I know.
Most people can get along fine when it's just a normal, fun day without extra challenge. But in life, we occasionally face challenging situations and get into arguments. The way you and your partner go through those is extremely important. If the way you resolve conflicts repeatedly leaves one or both of you feeling hurt or unheard, your happiness is going to be eroded over time. If conflict resolution works well, with both people expressing themselves openly and feeling heard, and if your partner's worst traits are tolerable for you (and vice versa), that relationship is built to last.
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Comment on I don’t feel like I’m a creative person. How could I fix that and get ideas? in ~creative
Lia LinkSeconding what others already said. It's the same deal as getting good at lifting weights. You start lifting and keep doing it, and over time you'll get good at it. If you urgently need the best...Seconding what others already said. It's the same deal as getting good at lifting weights. You start lifting and keep doing it, and over time you'll get good at it.
If you urgently need the best possible solution for your place, you should hire someone who has already practiced a lot. If not, doing something yourself can be a fun way to start developing your creativity!
That information makes me happy! I don't need him to be super strict or watch us like a hawk, but it's nice to know there is likely some sort of limit after which mislabeling can't get worse (at least for as long as he is willing to babysit the place).