So it turns out I was cheated on
Some of you may remember me from another thread, where I hemmed and hawed and fretted my way through trying to navigate my struggling relationship. I thought I'd reached the final chapter, I moved out and established a place for my child and myself. I cut as many ties as I could with my now ex, but of course several threads still remain.
Yesterday (April Fools of course) I found out that they had been cheating on me since last May, at least. Potentially longer. Of course, I'm devastated. I knew they had found someone else already recently, but I thought it was in the last month or two. This new piece of the puzzle has solved so many unanswered questions I've had, while also creating many new ones.
I feel used, financially/emotionally abused, gaslit, and more. I'm still working on processing everything. I'm trying to remain calm for the sake of the kids (especially mine) but it's really, really hard. I know it isn't a reflection on me - I tried everything I could to fix things. It is hard however not feel that utter sense of betrayal in my gut and soul like a knife.
What resources, reading, supports, guides are there for this? I'm just trying to get through today and then I have a three day weekend to work on processing this all.
I'm sorry that things had to go this way.
I glanced at your earlier post as well and it seems like the issues were quite substantial. The kind of disconnect that leads to one person overspending even when it puts the other at risk, etc., is grave enough that you can sort of expect other types of betrayals to have happened as well. It's not necessarily that they are a bad person - some people just have blind spots large enough that they're not truly able to be accountable and unfortunately this manifests in lots of painful ways.
My go-to recommendation to read for anyone who is breaking up from a serious long term relationship is Bruce Fisher's Rebuilding. It was originally published in the 1960's if memory serves, based on the talks he gave at his divorce seminars. When going through my own breakup, reading this felt soothing because it's almost like a benevolent, wise character is talking to you directly. My edition is fairly old and I know many revised editions have come out since, but even the outdated version where he speaks of computers as if they're a novelty item, etc., still feels solid.
The theory behind the book and the adjacent divorce seminars (still being organised today if i'm not mistaken) is that there's usually a reason why we fall in love and develop close ties with people who end up driving us nuts. Uncovering these reasons is a journey worth taking, as it will protect you from getting into similar situations in the future. For myself it was a liberating and quite positive albeit sometimes painful experience. I feel like I am a more complete person today and I'm actually grateful for what happened because it started this process for me.
I can't give much practical advice but I want you to know some online stranger is over here rooting for you. Many of us are going through tough shit, some related to intimate relationships, others related to how unstable the world is these days. I'm in the latter category but in the end, it's all the same: it's not fun and we'd prefer to not have to feel like this and do these things, and yet we just feel them and do them. And one day we can look back and be proud that we survived.
definitely stealing this book rec for myself as well
I've read it a couple times and I'm glad it's still sitting on my shelf because I may have to change careers if my current situation doesn't improve despite my giving it my all. And I believe this book will support me through that transition too! (My career is extremely important to me, almost like an intimate relationship, so I think letting go of it would feel similar to breaking up.)
This is an interesting take, and I think would lead to a productive outcome. I'll see if my library has the book.
I can tell you that when my ex and I first got together, I had been lonely for a very, very long time and was starved for intimacy, affection, and love in so many ways. My friendships were stagnating, my work life was going nowhere, and I felt utterly rudderless. Then they came along and it was like a lighthouse beacon through a stormy sea. Unfortunately, it was but a Siren's song.
I don't really know anything else to say, your situation sucks and I understand the infidelity is another shit-sandwich in a pile of crap you have eat before getting out of this, but:
Someone who can write:
Will be all right, given time and/or other resources that you clearly are asking for and people are giving.
Good luck on your journey fellow living person ;)
I know it may seem small but I really appreciate this comment. I need every little compliment and boost I can get right now. Thank you.
yw :)
I've been through a similar situation that also landed me in a toxic relationship. I was even able to almost predict how the relationship would unfold, but even so I didn't have enough courage to just skip it as I had no prior experience of such situations (all my other relationships have been functional and I'm still good friends with my most important ex). Those things tend to start in an overwhelmingly positive way and it would have felt foolish to say no to something like that without any real evidence that it can't work. Well, I came out of it with that evidence in hand! And I believe you can say the same: it seems like you've done all you possibly could to help you guys get along and make the relationship work. Sometimes even the deepest effort and commitment aren't enough when the game is rigged against you.
The book is divided into sections ("rebuilding blocks") that you can read one at a time, even repeating the ones that you struggle with the most. This ensures you're never working with more than you are actually able to process. Each chapter also has a short section about how to deal with that particular aspect when it comes to supporting your kids through the situation.
I'd like to point out one more thing, regarding this:
If you're American (or carry some cultural influence from there), you may have been taught to suppress negative emotions. But it is often better to just allow yourself to feel them. Obviously feeling them isn't the same as acting out, and the latter is where we sometimes need to restrain ourselves. But feelings themselves are not dangerous, even when utterly negative and appalling. The book is purposefully written in a way that will make you cry at times (and laugh at other times!). I recommend reading it after your kid has gone to bed so that you don't have to keep up appearances while reading! Once you've felt enough of the utter dogshit stuff, you'll have gone through most of it and it'll become gradually less and less. Then one day, you'll be over it completely.
Good luck!
You're right, though this is something I struggle with. I still have a habit of repressing or covering up negative feelings. It's a behavior I learned from culture, as well as my own father... I don't think I've ever seen him cry in my life.
I have picked up the book, I'm slow on getting started with it though. Thank you for the recommendation.
I'm so sorry for going through this. I've been used myself in different contexts and being betrayed by people you're supposed to trust like this cuts so deeply.
Of course it's hard to not feel that way, I'd argue it's impossible to not feel that way. You have been betrayed. You have been used. It is just such a painful truth to come to terms with, I don't blame you if you're still in denial. Especially since this has been happening for nearly a year for you. I'm so sorry.
Oh wow, I'm so sorry. That really is devastating, and your feelings of betrayal are valid -- breaking this kind of promise is really one of the most callous thing a person can do.
Working on processing everything is gonna take time. Even without infidelity in the picture, processing my divorce is an ongoing process. I'm not sure I can share any resources per se, so all I can do is recommend what I did: use this as an opportunity to reconnect with those in your life who care about you. For me this was both spending some time with my family as well as actively reaching out to my local friends.
Keeping yourself busy in a positive way is also important. Obviously with kids you probably have commitments with them that are a big factor in your schedule, but if you do have time to yourself, don't let yourself just sit and stew. For me this looked like going out to local events like being an audience member at open mic nights and movie nights with friends-of-friends. For you this may look different, but I encourage you to keep yourself busy with things you enjoy and not to spend all your time ruminating on it. My parents' next-door neighbor (who herself went through a divorce when I was young) gave me good advice about throwing yourself into other things during this period. In her case, she programmed a math study game for her elementary school-aged kid and worked her way through a big stack of books. The commonality is giving yourself something else to focus on, I think.
Also, I don't remember from the earlier thread whether you were married to this person or not. Definitely if you were, talk to a lawyer, but even if you're not, consider talking to one regarding the financial side of things. I think you'd need a lot more details than you've given in your posts here to actually determine anything, and suing someone is its own source of stress that maybe you don't want to go through (especially if she doesn't have much money of her own to recover), but it's worth at least knowing what your options are when it comes to recovering any financial support from her.
We were not married, thankfully. That made the process simpler. There's some financial things but ultimately I just want a clean break. I'm not looking for reparations, I'm looking to move one. I'm locked into one major obligation with them though, as a cosigner on a home equity loan. Ultimately, it's going to affect them more than me if things go south there. I know they won't want to lose their house.
This is a lesson I've learned before. I've been throwing myself into social outings and events, reading a lot more, and generally doings things to keep my mind and body occupied. I was in a dark place two decades ago after a bad breakup; I don't want to return there.
This is awful, and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'd highly recommend seeing some sort of mental health professional, if it's within your means to do so. It has really helped me in the past. I had a therapist tell me once that our brains process breakups similarly to how they process deaths. The cognitive grieving processes are very similar. It's also not uncommon for either situation to be accompanied by a lot of complex baggage.
Things are likely going to suck for a while. No getting around it. But not forever! I tend to think of it almost like a slow-healing injury, or coming down with a temporary illness. Right now you have to look out for your kids and yourself. Like someone else said here, consider talking to a lawyer as soon as you feel you are able.
Honestly, I think the comparison to mourning a death is incredibly spot on. I'm not necessarily proud of this feeling, but I remember when my wife first left me, wishing that she'd died instead, because then I could mourn losing the person I loved without this imposter who hated me ruining her memory. I still feel this way a little bit (though in my case the financial realities of our separation have contributed unfortunately). Someone you love is indeed gone forever -- even if they're not dead, you can never ever go back and be with that person again, because the person you're with isn't the same as them. You're not the same either, of course, but I think the similarity to mourning a death is very much there.
It's interesting that you mention this. I dated an abusive man for several years, who slowly destroyed my happiness, autonomy, and sense of self, but I had a very hard time reconciling the friendship we had - which was very close - with the extremely shitty and selfish "boyfriend" side of him. How can someone love me and yet treat me so terribly? The way I have sort of reconciled it to myself after many years is that my friend died. He's somewhere else now, and the person that remains isn't the man i knew. It's taken years and a couple rounds of therapy to come to that place, but that "explanation" feels correct to me, and it's helped me apply a sort of logic to what happened.
yeah, I think it's very similar to me. It's hard otherwise for me to reckon with where the kind, loving person I fell in love with went and how they got replaced with someone who was so willfully cruel and callous towards me in the end. They had a lot of personality-related mental health stuff going on in the last year of our relationship, which I don't think helps with the feeling that I completely lost the old them.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
As someone that went through something similar in the past, the things that helped me were:
I really recommend searching for a therapist if you are able to afford it and still don't have one. Having someone to let things out of our chest without the fear of being judged helps a lot. It will help you heal sooner.
Edit: typo
I mentioned a therapist in my reply as well, and I just want to stress that nothing was better in my first few months post-breakup than the feeling I got walking out of my therapist's office each week. It really changed everything for me.
I started seeing a therapist I'd previously seen for years again a few months before my spouse left me and that was fucking serendipitous because damn did I need that when the divorce went down. I don't know that it would've been as helpful if I hadn't already had a relationship with my therapist where we had rapport and I trusted them, though. I don't think I could've handled the "finding a new therapist who's a good fit" stress alongside the "getting divorced" stress.
This is where I'm at. I have a lot on my plate outside of just this and the added stress of trying to find someone to talk to in this healthcare hell system we have is just not something I relish.
I did not mention it in my reply but should have, so let me just pile on here. A caveat though: it isn't always easy to find one that is actually good and also a good fit for you (both things matter a lot).
I landed an amazing therapist on my first try, but when I wanted to continue a few years later, she was fully booked and I went through a few months with a bad fit and had to switch. The one after that was again good. But the not-so-good experience was kind of harrowing in that it probably caused some harm in some ways (while still being helpful in other ways). I'm glad that I had the confidence to realise I should keep looking, and the energy to do so.
Absolutely, sometimes when one is in a low, low pit, it's the most dangerous time to look for a new therapist. There are some dangerously unqualified and themselves troubled people out there.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's deeply unfair to you, especially after all the work you did trying to keep your household afloat.
I think there's some great comments in here, so I'll highlight something a little different. I went through two different relationships that caused me a great deal of misery, and which took awhile to process and understand. I was deeply hurt by both, and only after the second relationship ended did I properly take a break from dating and really reflect on what happened to me, and how I treated myself.
I spent a lot of time by myself, and really allowed my thoughts and feelings to bubble up. I kept myself busy...but I also gave myself moments to just sit and think, no distractions. I realized that I had some pretty toxic ideas about relationship balance, and what was acceptable treatment from my partner, and the work I did to keep relationships working that really should not have continued. I realized that I had been taught that I "needed" to be with someone, and while I did appreciate having a boyfriend, I'd rather be alone than with someone who didn't care or was outright unkind or manipulative or gross. I did not come to that conclusion right away - I was hurt, and I was angry, and then I was really angry - like nuclear unhinged angry. I was angry at them, but really, I was mostly upset with myself. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I stay? (I know why I stayed, and there were reasons, but I realized that a bigger problem is that I was ok with being treated poorly, that for some reason I didn't think I deserved better...or, if I wasn't treated well, I somehow had "earned" it).
So I guess I'd recommend this - keep yourself busy...but not too busy. Let your brain process some of what happened subconsciously, and then take maybe an hour or two each week to be by yourself and just check in. What do you feel? What makes you feel that way? Is that feeling sensical? Is it actually based in reality? Who was your ex, really? What did you miss? What were the consequences to you? What would you do now if you were in that situation again, knowing everything you know now?
Your ex being a selfish asshole is not at all your fault. You did not deserve it, you didn't do anything to "earn" that outcome. But maybe consider, over the coming weeks - did you, like me, try too hard to compromise, when instead you should have advocated a little harder for yourself? Why did you do that? You can't change the past, and you can't change the person your ex is or was, but you can think about who you want to be, and the lessons you take from it. Feel all of your feelings, but try and draw out a little wisdom too, if you can.
Definitely working on the Keeping Busy front! It's something I've learned from the past. Fortunately where I live, there's plenty of opportunities to keep myself active. I have also been continuously building a network of friends that I can rely on. It's funny, my ex would always get a bit annoyed at how fast and easily I would create bonds between myself and others - they were much more introverted and asocial. I recognize now that they also have a genuine struggle with maintaining long lasting relationships. It's quite sad.
Alone time is something I value too. It feels different now, without having my kid around. Somehow being alone together (where he's doing his own thing, and I'm doing my own thing) is very different than being alone apart. I can do both, but one feels exponentially more difficult. Regarding finding a new relationship... Yeah I don't think that's on the table, not for a long time. I want time to heal and to find who the new me is post-breakup.
Who I was before I no longer am, and good riddance. One of the positive aspects of the relationship I had is that it gave me mental and emotional space to grow myself more deeply as a person. I developed new hobbies, skills, talents, friendships, and connections. I am a much better person coming out than going in. I feel my ex lost far more than I did in all this.
First off I want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. You deserve better. They're an asshole for doing what they did. Please seek professional help! A therapist is your best friend to help process something like this, but also tell all your close friends. I know that if one of my good friends was going through this that I would want to be available for them to vent, to help build them back up, or otherwise help in any little way I could.
Honestly, why? Even your kids would realize that this is a messed up thing for your partner to do and that reacting emotionally is a completely normal thing. If anything your kids might find it extremely strange that you are calm when you should be having a completely normal strong emotional reaction to what happened. If anyone I knew was not strongly reacting to something this devastating I would think something was very wrong! Reacting to this in an appropriate manner will help your kids truly absorb an important lesson about behavior and how your actions can hurt others, will give them an opportunity to provide you support and show their love (you might be their parent but love is not a one way street), and it will help garner trust and grow your relationship with them - too often parents shield information about their lives from their kids but are then surprised when their kids mirror the behavior and shield information about their lives from their parents... if you want a truly close relationship with your kids you need to at times treat them like your adult friends, at least when it comes to being vulnerable with them.
Lastly, it's not your responsibility to obfuscate what your partner did to your children. Your partner was the one who violated that trust and hurt you. Your children will find out the whole story eventually and they will rightfully pass judgement on your partner for not considering your feelings and your children's feelings when they made their decision. It's in no way manipulative to be honest with them and you do not owe your partner anything when it comes to telling your side of the story. In fact, you have direct proof that your partner was gaslighting you, abusing you, and more - I would argue that you need to set the story straight before your partner does the same to your children (they may gaslight or manipulate them when explaining their side of the story), and that this may be the perfect opportunity to teach your children about manipulative people and how difficult and confusing it all can be. After all, you spent a good chunk of your life and parented with this person! This shows how people are often a mix of good and bad and can teach them to be more introspective about their future relationships as well as set them up to be more resilient should they face abusers in their future.
To be fair, there are definitely things you don't need to lay at your kids' feet, especially depending on how old they are. Treating your kid too much like an adult friend can lead to parentification, which can be harmful for the kid, so it's a tough line to walk. Age can also be a factor in exactly how easy it is to explain what happened and how you're feeling to them in an age-appropriate way. That doesn't mean that you need to bottle everything up and hide things from them, but it does mean that there are a lot of specific details concerning the kid and their age and ongoing relationship with the other party that you need to consider before pouring your heart out to them, especially when it comes to things like infidelity.
Yes, I don't mean to oversimplify things and ultimately it's up to OP to decide what is right for their kids, but I also wanted to provide this particular feedback since it was lacking and I think it's an important consideration.
Makes sense! hopefully OP gets a nice balance of perspectives between everyone
I mentioned elsewhere, I but have no energy to go looking for a therapist right now. I'm throwing myself into activities and, as you suggested, am leaning hard on friends. I'm not shy about communicating my thoughts and feelings with others. This was a betrayal and people deserve to know what kind of person my ex is and what they put me through.
Because I'm terrified of giving my partner ammo with which to use the kids as weapons against me. I come from a background where my parents had a VERY messy divorce and it left a lot of trauma within me. My dad worked hard to alienate us from my mom and it worked. My sisters haven't spoken to her in decades. I came to my senses; I don't want that kind of experience for my kids.
I want to point out my son is 6. My ex's kids are older, and can handle that; my son cannot. He is not emotionally mature enough for that kind of information.
Just beware that your partner might do the same to your kids. Be vigilant.
You're his parent, trust your intuition! I'm sure you'll know how much to share and what is better shared when he is older.
Well it's been a time. I've been trying to follow a lot of the advice here, some successfully (spending time with my son, keeping busy, refreshing my social life, etc) and some not (managing my emotions... hoo boy.) I'm happy I found a place in the busy center of my town, so that it's easy for me to go out and keep myself active. My son and I have been enjoying walking around town and visiting parks, shops, and the library. In the summer, the pool opens up and I've gotten us passes for it. I look forward to that - we'll have plenty of time to enjoy it.
I've also been working on rebuilding a social life. I've always been fairly social but with the schedule that's set for parenting time, I've had to shuffle some things. Luckily, that isn't a huge issue for me, though I think I'm going to have to drop one of my favorite group activities which makes me sad.
Emotionally I've been a wreck. My ex partner continues to lie about this other person, insisting they're "just a friend". I don't buy it - it reeks of denial, deflection, and projection. They have made only one new friend in the 8 years we were together, and it was a same-sex friend. Suddenly a new opposite gender person comes around, helping around the house and generally just being there every single day with no preamble, and I'm supposed to just accept it. That was hard.
I went off on my ex the other day about it, but I didn't get any answers and it ended up just making me feel worse in the end. Even if I had answers, I don't think I would like them. I've decided it's best for now to let that go, as hard as it is. The most gut wrenching part of this all is that there's some strange person with the kids who I know nothing about. The kids also have known about this person for some time, well before I learned about them, which has me concerned about my ex coaching them to secrecy or silence.
I'm not sure where to keep going with this post, but I suppose like before I may use it as a sort of running journal of my thoughts and actions like I did with the last one. I've never been one for journaling, but I found it helpful last time. If this bothers some, I apologize. Thank you to those who have had kind words and thoughts, and especially to @Lia for the book suggestion. I'm slowly making my way through it.
The emotional side of things I think is unfortunately a time thing. Give yourself some grace and compassion on that front -- it's totally normal to be feeling the whole array of emotions you're feeling in this situation, and while you need to keep moving forward without letting them derail your daily life, it's also not wrong or shameful to feel them.
Is your son still spending time with your ex and their new "friend"? I think it may be possible to have an age-appropriate conversation with your son about secrets and not to keep secrets from you about what happens when he's there if you're worried about that, but I don't have any direct practical advice there other than being straightforward about it.
My friend, I recognized your user name and your story immediately, what an awful discovery!
Therapy is a good thing, but it's not a miracle and it's also not free in terms of time or money. That's good to hear you're leaning on friends and family at this time.
I remember you musing about a clean break, and skimming through the old post, wondering if you're equip for loneliness again. Well..... The silver lining is that a cheating ex is about as clean of a break as one can get. Many of the behaviour puzzle pieces might slot into place now, especially if this is a pattern for them to mentally check out and find a different partner. And as for loneliness, single life won't be as lonely as what you already survived.
Your son is very small, and that's good you want to protect him from the ugly fall out. I would suggest a middle of the road approach, where you let him know all the answers are written down in this note stored in this locked box for when he reaches the age of (say) 14. It lets him know that you aren't too sad or angry or whatever to talk about it, that you have a definite timeline and not hand waving the conversation away, and it lets him know that it's okay to have big feelings, but it's also considerate to wait for appropriate times to share those big feelings.
The other things you can do is to cut loose and cry even bigger when he cries, and laugh even harder when he laughs, when you guys are talking about these changes and how they make him feel.
C S Lewis and his brother Warren were never able to process their grief about their mother dying in their childhood because their father wanted to protect the children from big feelings. So they were three people tip-toeing around each other's pain, assuming the other aren't ready to grief.
I already said therapy isn't for everyone every time, but I'm going to be an immediate hypocrite here and recommend that you still find other "non stake holder" adults your son can talk to if he wants to as well. A rarely seen but favourite Aunty or nearly adult grown up cousin perhaps. Sometimes we think we're holding it together well and behaving calm when our kids see through it, and knows that they can't come to us with their problems right then.
Don't forget to just spend time living in his world and becoming wrapped up in his interests too. Kids can ride out hardships and pains better than we can, when they have a companion who's moving at their speed and loving the same childhood favourites.
Hold off on dating for a bit, eh? Don't shop while you're hungry etc. Make your son the priority for the next year.
Wrapping it up: things super suck, but you've already gone past the worst of it, I think. Turns out, she's been a stranger for much longer than you knew, and you don't owe her anything anymore.
I like this idea. I'm not sure how to phrase it to him since he hasn't actually asked why his mom and I moved apart. When he does though, I'll be ready.
Absolutely making sure to do this! We've been playing lots of games (board and video) together and just generally having fun.
I have no interest in dating right now. The thought of entering the dating scene again is terrible. I faced so much rejection and dismissal before. I'm great at making friends and terrible at finding romance, the awful tragedy of my existence. I do want a love relationship again, I feel I am a better and more complete person for it. I'm a deeply romantic soul. I hope I find someone who can match my energy and loyalty.
You've demonstrated amazing perseverance, you're showing a lot of resilience under these tumultuous circumstances, and you love your son fiercely. You're gonna be okay, and your boy is lucky to have you in these times.