So it turns out I was cheated on
Some of you may remember me from another thread, where I hemmed and hawed and fretted my way through trying to navigate my struggling relationship. I thought I'd reached the final chapter, I moved out and established a place for my child and myself. I cut as many ties as I could with my now ex, but of course several threads still remain.
Yesterday (April Fools of course) I found out that they had been cheating on me since last May, at least. Potentially longer. Of course, I'm devastated. I knew they had found someone else already recently, but I thought it was in the last month or two. This new piece of the puzzle has solved so many unanswered questions I've had, while also creating many new ones.
I feel used, financially/emotionally abused, gaslit, and more. I'm still working on processing everything. I'm trying to remain calm for the sake of the kids (especially mine) but it's really, really hard. I know it isn't a reflection on me - I tried everything I could to fix things. It is hard however not feel that utter sense of betrayal in my gut and soul like a knife.
What resources, reading, supports, guides are there for this? I'm just trying to get through today and then I have a three day weekend to work on processing this all.
I'm sorry that things had to go this way.
I glanced at your earlier post as well and it seems like the issues were quite substantial. The kind of disconnect that leads to one person overspending even when it puts the other at risk, etc., is grave enough that you can sort of expect other types of betrayals to have happened as well. It's not necessarily that they are a bad person - some people just have blind spots large enough that they're not truly able to be accountable and unfortunately this manifests in lots of painful ways.
My go-to recommendation to read for anyone who is breaking up from a serious long term relationship is Bruce Fisher's Rebuilding. It was originally published in the 1960's if memory serves, based on the talks he gave at his divorce seminars. When going through my own breakup, reading this felt soothing because it's almost like a benevolent, wise character is talking to you directly. My edition is fairly old and I know many revised editions have come out since, but even the outdated version where he speaks of computers as if they're a novelty item, etc., still feels solid.
The theory behind the book and the adjacent divorce seminars (still being organised today if i'm not mistaken) is that there's usually a reason why we fall in love and develop close ties with people who end up driving us nuts. Uncovering these reasons is a journey worth taking, as it will protect you from getting into similar situations in the future. For myself it was a liberating and quite positive albeit sometimes painful experience. I feel like I am a more complete person today and I'm actually grateful for what happened because it started this process for me.
I can't give much practical advice but I want you to know some online stranger is over here rooting for you. Many of us are going through tough shit, some related to intimate relationships, others related to how unstable the world is these days. I'm in the latter category but in the end, it's all the same: it's not fun and we'd prefer to not have to feel like this and do these things, and yet we just feel them and do them. And one day we can look back and be proud that we survived.
definitely stealing this book rec for myself as well
I'm so sorry for going through this. I've been used myself in different contexts and being betrayed by people you're supposed to trust like this cuts so deeply.
Of course it's hard to not feel that way, I'd argue it's impossible to not feel that way. You have been betrayed. You have been used. It is just such a painful truth to come to terms with, I don't blame you if you're still in denial. Especially since this has been happening for nearly a year for you. I'm so sorry.
Oh wow, I'm so sorry. That really is devastating, and your feelings of betrayal are valid -- breaking this kind of promise is really one of the most callous thing a person can do.
Working on processing everything is gonna take time. Even without infidelity in the picture, processing my divorce is an ongoing process. I'm not sure I can share any resources per se, so all I can do is recommend what I did: use this as an opportunity to reconnect with those in your life who care about you. For me this was both spending some time with my family as well as actively reaching out to my local friends.
Keeping yourself busy in a positive way is also important. Obviously with kids you probably have commitments with them that are a big factor in your schedule, but if you do have time to yourself, don't let yourself just sit and stew. For me this looked like going out to local events like being an audience member at open mic nights and movie nights with friends-of-friends. For you this may look different, but I encourage you to keep yourself busy with things you enjoy and not to spend all your time ruminating on it. My parents' next-door neighbor (who herself went through a divorce when I was young) gave me good advice about throwing yourself into other things during this period. In her case, she programmed a math study game for her elementary school-aged kid and worked her way through a big stack of books. The commonality is giving yourself something else to focus on, I think.
Also, I don't remember from the earlier thread whether you were married to this person or not. Definitely if you were, talk to a lawyer, but even if you're not, consider talking to one regarding the financial side of things. I think you'd need a lot more details than you've given in your posts here to actually determine anything, and suing someone is its own source of stress that maybe you don't want to go through (especially if she doesn't have much money of her own to recover), but it's worth at least knowing what your options are when it comes to recovering any financial support from her.
This is awful, and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'd highly recommend seeing some sort of mental health professional, if it's within your means to do so. It has really helped me in the past. I had a therapist tell me once that our brains process breakups similarly to how they process deaths. The cognitive grieving processes are very similar. It's also not uncommon for either situation to be accompanied by a lot of complex baggage.
Things are likely going to suck for a while. No getting around it. But not forever! I tend to think of it almost like a slow-healing injury, or coming down with a temporary illness. Right now you have to look out for your kids and yourself. Like someone else said here, consider talking to a lawyer as soon as you feel you are able.
Honestly, I think the comparison to mourning a death is incredibly spot on. I'm not necessarily proud of this feeling, but I remember when my wife first left me, wishing that she'd died instead, because then I could mourn losing the person I loved without this imposter who hated me ruining her memory. I still feel this way a little bit (though in my case the financial realities of our separation have contributed unfortunately). Someone you love is indeed gone forever -- even if they're not dead, you can never ever go back and be with that person again, because the person you're with isn't the same as them. You're not the same either, of course, but I think the similarity to mourning a death is very much there.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
As someone that went through something similar in the past, the things that helped me were:
I really recommend searching for a therapist if you are able to afford it and still don't have one. Having someone to let things out of our chest without the fear of being judged helps a lot. It will help you heal sooner.
I mentioned a therapist in my reply as well, and I just want to stress that nothing was better in my first few months post-breakup than the feeling I got walking out of my therapist's office each week. It really changed everything for me.
I started seeing a therapist I'd previously seen for years again a few months before my spouse left me and that was fucking serendipitous because damn did I need that when the divorce went down. I don't know that it would've been as helpful if I hadn't already had a relationship with my therapist where we had rapport and I trusted them, though. I don't think I could've handled the "finding a new therapist who's a good fit" stress alongside the "getting divorced" stress.
I did not mention it in my reply but should have, so let me just pile on here. A caveat though: it isn't always easy to find one that is actually good and also a good fit for you (both things matter a lot).
I landed an amazing therapist on my first try, but when I wanted to continue a few years later, she was fully booked and I went through a few months with a bad fit and had to switch. The one after that was again good. But the not-so-good experience was kind of harrowing in that it probably caused some harm in some ways (while still being helpful in other ways). I'm glad that I had the confidence to realise I should keep looking, and the energy to do so.
First off I want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. You deserve better. They're an asshole for doing what they did. Please seek professional help! A therapist is your best friend to help process something like this, but also tell all your close friends. I know that if one of my good friends was going through this that I would want to be available for them to vent, to help build them back up, or otherwise help in any little way I could.
Honestly, why? Even your kids would realize that this is a messed up thing for your partner to do and that reacting emotionally is a completely normal thing. If anything your kids might find it extremely strange that you are calm when you should be having a completely normal strong emotional reaction to what happened. If anyone I knew was not strongly reacting to something this devastating I would think something was very wrong! Reacting to this in an appropriate manner will help your kids truly absorb an important lesson about behavior and how your actions can hurt others, will give them an opportunity to provide you support and show their love (you might be their parent but love is not a one way street), and it will help garner trust and grow your relationship with them - too often parents shield information about their lives from their kids but are then surprised when their kids mirror the behavior and shield information about their lives from their parents... if you want a truly close relationship with your kids you need to at times treat them like your adult friends, at least when it comes to being vulnerable with them.
Lastly, it's not your responsibility to obfuscate what your partner did to your children. Your partner was the one who violated that trust and hurt you. Your children will find out the whole story eventually and they will rightfully pass judgement on your partner for not considering your feelings and your children's feelings when they made their decision. It's in no way manipulative to be honest with them and you do not owe your partner anything when it comes to telling your side of the story. In fact, you have direct proof that your partner was gaslighting you, abusing you, and more - I would argue that you need to set the story straight before your partner does the same to your children (they may gaslight or manipulate them when explaining their side of the story), and that this may be the perfect opportunity to teach your children about manipulative people and how difficult and confusing it all can be. After all, you spent a good chunk of your life and parented with this person! This shows how people are often a mix of good and bad and can teach them to be more introspective about their future relationships as well as set them up to be more resilient should they face abusers in their future.
To be fair, there are definitely things you don't need to lay at your kids' feet, especially depending on how old they are. Treating your kid too much like an adult friend can lead to parentification, which can be harmful for the kid, so it's a tough line to walk. Age can also be a factor in exactly how easy it is to explain what happened and how you're feeling to them in an age-appropriate way. That doesn't mean that you need to bottle everything up and hide things from them, but it does mean that there are a lot of specific details concerning the kid and their age and ongoing relationship with the other party that you need to consider before pouring your heart out to them, especially when it comes to things like infidelity.
Yes, I don't mean to oversimplify things and ultimately it's up to OP to decide what is right for their kids, but I also wanted to provide this particular feedback since it was lacking and I think it's an important consideration.