fnulare's recent activity
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Comment on Any significant changes to Tildes are extremely unlikely in ~tildes.official
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2026) in ~health.mental
fnulare Link ParentThank you for your kind words, it means a lot to be read and replied to, and "hello" to you too :) It is something, isn't it? One thing that really trips me as a parent to an adult is that she...Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to be read and replied to, and "hello" to you too :)
Or rather I grieve over a life I never had but long for, or something like that
It is something, isn't it?
One thing that really trips me as a parent to an adult is that she wants to be with me. Like by choice! That's perplexing to me, but I'm trying to accept that that is something that can happen and that I helped create it! :D
(Obviously I still made lots of mistakes, but also some good!)
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Comment on Any significant changes to Tildes are extremely unlikely in ~tildes.official
fnulare Link ParentTangent!.. I recently (as in the last decade or so) started acknowledging small accidents that happens to me or others. Just a quick "ouch", "woah" or "you OK?". My idea is to normalise getting...Tangent!.. I recently (as in the last decade or so) started acknowledging small accidents that happens to me or others.
Just a quick "ouch", "woah" or "you OK?".
My idea is to normalise getting hurt or dropping stuff or whatever, but without making a fuss about it.
So many adults seem to feel too much shame for just stumbling or falling or whacking their toes.
I'm not sure it's helpful for others, but it makes my life more enjoyable anyway.
Non-tangent!.. I started thinking about your comment and wanted to ask you to clarify what you mean by:
the "pain is weakness leaving the body" crowd
As I can't really relate to this concept and I'm having a hard time understanding how this plays out.
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Comment on Any significant changes to Tildes are extremely unlikely in ~tildes.official
fnulare Link ParentI'm glad we shared this conversation, it reminded me of things I enjoy. Like being with (and thinking about) young people and their caregivers. But also to hike, bike and being outside :) Thank you!I'm glad we shared this conversation, it reminded me of things I enjoy.
Like being with (and thinking about) young people and their caregivers.
But also to hike, bike and being outside :)
Thank you!
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2026) in ~health.mental
fnulare LinkI'm looking for: reassurance, advice, friendly banter, "I-see-you:s" and cheers. Well... I'm still trying not to think about it too hard since I seem to end up in quite dark places for no good...I'm looking for: reassurance, advice, friendly banter, "I-see-you:s" and cheers.
Well...
I'm still trying not to think about it too hard since I seem to end up in quite dark places for no good reasons or benefits.
But... I'll try to think about what's going on in my life and just glean a little on how that makes me feel.
Tildes feels a bit less welcoming and even more minefieldy lately. I try to convince myself that I'm not contributing to what I see as a slightly more scared place, or less friendly, or colder, or something, but I'm not sure. It feels to me like every interaction I try to have (or witness) doesn't really take off, ends mid sentence or drifts away some way.
I think I'm confusing a few related concepts like "having the last say", "posting short non-content:y comments", and "friendliness", etc that prevent me from rounding out conversations (for lack of a better word/concept).
Obviously I've seen the topics and read the comments about the general state of Tildes and what makes me sad is how unaware I am of all the work some users do here and how unhelpful I am in making this a better place. (I suspect my filters prevent me from seeing most of it, but I know some is a lack of understanding too).
I think I would like to chip away at making this little corner (~health.mental) more active, welcoming and supportive (although it truly feels like I always put a hamper on any topic/comments when I try), so please let me know if there is something I could do for you here.
Family there are exciting things happening! My kid is moving to Spain for a few months to study Spanish and it feels like she may well take the opportunity to live a little unsafe for a few years, finally! I'm quite anxious but try to not show it and it seems to be working!
She has been adulting like a pro (far better than me, especially adjusted for age, but I do understand she has better equipped parents than I had) around this trip/course and I'm beeming with pride!
Other than that I have a couple if close friends that are fairly depressed, and I haven't really noticed because I've been living an experiment this summer...
Summer vacation has been had, 7 weeks off work (first day back today, ugh!) for the first time as an adult (I've been unemployed or on sick leave, etc before, but vacation is different!).
For the first 4 weeks I made an experiment to not have or make plans until the same day. It was fun but wasn't for me: I ended up spending a lot of time alone (in the not nice way) or with people that wanted to be with me but where I necessarily didn't want to spend as much time with them and I completely lost track of some friends and things I wanted to do... Oh well, back to the drawing board and/or the pursuit of that darn balance everyone always hypes so much!
Week 5 was Pride which I participated fairly actively in and got to spend a lot of time with a friends family that kind of adopted me, I adore them!
Week 6 & 7 have been slightly more intentional and that suits me better. I've met with my close friends and also been on a 2 night hike with someone that approached me in May.
Romance, sex, etc I've felt horny, quite a lot, not so common for me. Fun, but frustrating because I'm not skilled at developing romantic and/or sexual relationships. Me and the hiker are trucking along nicely, neither of us is sure of what we want or how to express it so we are taking it really slowly. It's interesting, I like her. I also have an aquiantence that I've propositioned to include sex in our relationship, she hasn't responded in a way that I understand, but she insists on seeming me. That's confusing! And then there is a dancer I have an enormous crush on! (But I will not make a move on anyone I meet on the dancefloor until I am a better dancer and feel confident in dancing with anyone, as to not confuse general friendliness and physical contact with a spark!).
Fall is approaching and I'm back at work, kid is flying away and I have a few relationships to take care of, but I'm also joining two, yes two!, classes: one for dancing (just the most basic social dance) and the other for free diving. I'm very, very, very excited!
Autism (but not ADHD) has been diagnosed and I'm going to meet with some kind of person that is supposed to help me figure stuff out next week. Cautiously optimistic. Hopefully I can at least send a friend to a course for family members, but we'll see.
I've had a few moments where I've been overwhelmed by grief for my life in general but around my mothers inability to parent me specifically. I understand it is not uncommon for adults that get diagnosed to have a lot if grief to deal with, still hurts.
THE END (I just don't want to write/think more about it right now, yes it's obviously connected to the previous paragraph!)
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Comment on Any significant changes to Tildes are extremely unlikely in ~tildes.official
fnulare Link ParentI wasn't there so for me this is a hopythetichal situation that I relate to similar situations from my own life and nothing else. To me it still reads like you wanted to get back to the parents....I wasn't there so for me this is a hopythetichal situation that I relate to similar situations from my own life and nothing else.
To me it still reads like you wanted to get back to the parents. And thus you approached the situation with an agenda from the start. (Which is one of the flaws of the book: it describes how you should pretend to not have an agenda rather than actually not having an agenda - which is a good way to make friends.)
My apologies: I didn't explicitly say that it is good to stay calm and curious when children express strong emotions, but that is - to me - obviously true, and I forgot to write that in my previous comment.
What I was aiming to convey was that if you stay calm and curious with a hurt child and stop others (adults as well as children) showing up with fear, upsets or crying of their own it is mostly fine and often quicker to let the child cry it out and then have a reassuring conversation about it.
The other adult[0] I wrote about is the one whos "job" it is to intercept all the other people who get scared and want to join in into the situation with fear. That, as you write, only makes the situation worse for the current hurt child.
I think I pounced on your use of "brave" that I associate with adults wanting to shut up children's feelings rather than to just let them be scared for a little while.
It is mostly not dangerous to be afraid, but it can be dangerous to not show that you are hurt (both physically but also psychologically).
It is of course also ok if we disagree, parenting and taking care of children is a really hard subject to agree on for me, especially in text (where I tend to become more theoretical while in meatspace I mostly see that we all do as best we can and most things are fine).
[0] But I have also recruited other children to do this: "Hey, remember when you got injured that one time and it was kind if nice to not hear everyone elses stories until afterwards?", "Maybe you can gather up the rest of the gang and stand over there and talk, while I take care of X for a bit?"
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Comment on A list of independent internet forums in ~tech
fnulare Link ParentThat seems like a place I'd like to lurk on. Would you mind sharing an invite?That seems like a place I'd like to lurk on. Would you mind sharing an invite?
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Comment on Looking for an effective self-block application for Android in ~tech
fnulare LinkI understand you found a solution that is to your liking. I do have a suggestion you may want to try in the future anyway (or to alternate with - something that often works fine for me; to...I understand you found a solution that is to your liking.
I do have a suggestion you may want to try in the future anyway (or to alternate with - something that often works fine for me; to alternate methods): a physical timed lock box with a code too (so your wife can open it for you when she goes out with your kid for example).
So you have to put the phone in yourself and decide when it should open, but you (or actually your wife) are also able to unlock it with a code.
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Comment on Any significant changes to Tildes are extremely unlikely in ~tildes.official
fnulare Link ParentWhile I understand that you're giving the shortest possible version of a concept (I don't fully agree with), this is in my strong opinion incorrect. Both as an example of the ideas in the book but...To soothe a crying child after they fell, you'd talk to the kid about how strong and brave they are, not share anecdotes about how you remember falling and crying too.
While I understand that you're giving the shortest possible version of a concept (I don't fully agree with), this is in my strong opinion incorrect. Both as an example of the ideas in the book but also in how to treat children.
Remember: the first step is to not want anything yourself. Stopping the crying is often something adults want. The child (depending on age, gender, etc obviously) often just wants to cry, maybe tell you what happened, etc.
I find that the best way to deal with children displaying strong emotions in public is to get another adult to catch all the adults that want to interfere so that the child can be safe with you rather than you having to deal with all the adults that are upset about the situation.
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Comment on What lesser-known sci-fi reads do you recommend? in ~books
fnulare Link ParentWould you mind doing the archeological work of going through your lists? This topic is a great bookmark as-is, but if you have lists to go through I can only imagine what you could add to it.Would you mind doing the archeological work of going through your lists?
This topic is a great bookmark as-is, but if you have lists to go through I can only imagine what you could add to it.
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Comment on Any cool coding languages? in ~comp
fnulare Link ParentI think you linked the wrong thing? I got to a video called "Handmade Cities", which sounds cool too, but not what I expected considering your explanation.I think you linked the wrong thing?
I got to a video called "Handmade Cities", which sounds cool too, but not what I expected considering your explanation.
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Comment on Choosing a printer in ~tech
fnulare Link ParentThis sounds like a plus! T9 ftw! Oh, how I miss the olden days of non-smart phones with actual buttons.The only thing I dislike about it is that wi-fi had to be configured using a numpad. Each number button will cycle through 3 letters, first lower case, then upper case, so if you need the third one in upper case, you have to press the button 6 times to get it.
This sounds like a plus! T9 ftw!
Oh, how I miss the olden days of non-smart phones with actual buttons.
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Comment on What are your thoughts on audiobooks? in ~books
fnulare LinkA. I have to do something else to be able to follow an audiobook, like simple mobile games, drawing, knitting or walking on uneven ground. B. Yesterday I joined a group call where someone was...A. I have to do something else to be able to follow an audiobook, like simple mobile games, drawing, knitting or walking on uneven ground.
B. Yesterday I joined a group call where someone was reading a book out loud. It was an amazing experience. The pauses, the difficulty pronouncing names, zoning off, readjusting the voice, etc, etc. It was ultra cozy and a completely different experience than an audiobook.
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Comment on Offpunk manifesto in ~humanities
fnulare Link ParentIMO any "punk" needs action, actually doing things that affect the world. DIY is more core to punk than any aesthetic.IMO any "punk" needs action, actually doing things that affect the world. DIY is more core to punk than any aesthetic.
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Comment on Choosing a printer in ~tech
fnulare Link ParentExcellent! Thanks <3 Yeah, mono laser seems like the way to go, I just have a small itch around colour but I suspect it's more of a FOMO than actual wanting.Excellent! Thanks <3
Yeah, mono laser seems like the way to go, I just have a small itch around colour but I suspect it's more of a FOMO than actual wanting.
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Comment on Choosing a printer in ~tech
fnulare Link ParentFantastic! Thanks <3 In general: are the toners for colour and black different? I expect to print much more in black than in colour and it would feel quite bad to need a new toner to print black...Fantastic! Thanks <3
In general: are the toners for colour and black different? I expect to print much more in black than in colour and it would feel quite bad to need a new toner to print black when the colours are still barely used.
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Choosing a printer
Hello, I have decided to get myself a laser printer. My intentions are to have a working printer occasionally. So sometimes I will print a lot, but then it can be left unused for a couple of years...
Hello,
I have decided to get myself a laser printer.
My intentions are to have a working printer occasionally. So sometimes I will print a lot, but then it can be left unused for a couple of years and I want it to be usable in the instant I want it without having to go and get new whatever.
My question is are there any considerations besides the printer being listed at https://openprinting.github.io/printers that I should make?
I will not hunt down the most open (as in copyleft/libre soft- & hardware) printer but would not mind it being open.
More importantly is the expectation that I could find new toners (I think that's the word for "ink" in laser printers) in 5 years.
I don't really want color, but if it isn't that big of a difference I might as well.
(I could change my mind to get a different kind of printer, but you'd have to be really convincing.)
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Comment on What are you reading these days? in ~books
fnulare Link ParentI had a really restful day in the shadow of a tree and finished (kimmy). At first I felt irritated that it ended in a Happily Ever After state, but the more I think about it the more I like it. I...I had a really restful day in the shadow of a tree and finished (kimmy).
At first I felt irritated that it ended in a Happily Ever After state, but the more I think about it the more I like it. I often find that books/movies end just when the story gets interesting, and the Happily Ever After schtick somewhat covers (both as "obscure" and "takes care of") that in a kind of nice way.
It's a really cute story, and the simplistic arch works really well. It explores some themes around transexuality, robotics, AI, personhood, etc in a kind of shallow and fairly matter of fact way while still mentioning them. I find it respectful of the themes, the characters and me as a reader.
The author, Alyson Graves, is new to me, but I will definitely try to find more books from her.
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Comment on Offpunk manifesto in ~humanities
fnulare Link ParentWoah! This sounds amazing! Would you mind sharing more about this?m joining a nice-old-guys collective this week where they teach younger men skills in everything from DIY to really advanced tech fixing and trade work
Woah! This sounds amazing! Would you mind sharing more about this?
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Comment on What are you reading these days? in ~books
fnulare LinkHello, I'm new here, not sure how I feel about this topic, but I do want to read more again. (I'm a little cautious around it though so it doesn't become neither school work nor doom reading [see...Hello, I'm new here, not sure how I feel about this topic, but I do want to read more again. (I'm a little cautious around it though so it doesn't become neither school work nor doom reading [see doom scrolling].)
(kimmy) (by Alyson Greaves) this was part of a bundle I was lent by a friend after I asked to read another book. I like it. The typesetting is somewhat upsetting (too large, and other editions might not suffer from this!), but the story is entertaining and deals with trans... stuff(?) in an almost not centered way - in a good way. Like the transitioning is definitely a core part of the story but the story would work without it.
The Weirdest People in the World (by Joseph Henrich) was recommended by a tilderastian and is a brick. I'm not used to read this kind of dense books anymore, so I'm slowly working my way through it. It's about why and how The West is weird compared to the rest of the world and hopefully what consequences that has on many fields and what can be done about it (we'll see!)
ANSPRÅKSLÖSA FÖRSLAG (by Joakim Pirinen) a collection of short texts interspersed with his surrealistic drawings. This is one if my favourite authors/artists who mostly does graphic novels in Swedish. I found this in my shelf in the pile of unread graphic novels. Yay! It's fantastic. "Anspråklösa förslag" is a translation of the plural form of "A modest proposal" and is a collection of absurd (but not entirely untrue) proposals to deal with current (2018, Sweden) social problems. Very fun! Also like comfort food.
I'm kind of eager to finish (kimmy) so that I can start a couple of books that where recommended to me at a party by a person that pegged me as the contrariant I am. They said they where in a genre called decadent literature, seems fun!
Ah! I thought you meant that, but wasn't sure, thanks for explaining.
That's where I reacted to Minori:s use of "brave" in my original comment here, but I understand now this was not what they where refering to.
That makes me very happy!