fnulare's recent activity
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Comment on Non-queer men of Tildes: PLEASE consider before commenting on ~life.women and ~lgbt without careful consideration. We are losing members over this issue. in ~tildes
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (October 2026) in ~health.mental
fnulare Link ParentI'm pleased to hear you figured it out, even if the result isn't appealing I think it gets easier if you see what you are dealing with. As I'm in the habit of saying: a hug, or equivalent that you...I'm pleased to hear you figured it out, even if the result isn't appealing I think it gets easier if you see what you are dealing with.
As I'm in the habit of saying: a hug, or equivalent that you feel comfortable to receive, from an internet stranger.
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Comment on Non-queer men of Tildes: PLEASE consider before commenting on ~life.women and ~lgbt without careful consideration. We are losing members over this issue. in ~tildes
fnulare Link ParentI wholeheartedly agree with you, but I'm having trouble understanding how your comment relates to mine. In my head I was replying to the question: With something like: I am aware that I struggle...I wholeheartedly agree with you, but I'm having trouble understanding how your comment relates to mine.
In my head I was replying to the question:
How is it possible for someone to say "this isn't happening"?
With something like:
I think it's a completely understandable defence mechanism to not have to take a look at yourself and your own part in the oppression.
I am aware that I struggle with people and understanding us, but your reply seems quite out of place to me.
In my mind there is no way "reason" is a fundamental part of human behaviour, if it where we wouldn't have sexism, racism or any other form of oppression, greed or global warming to deal with.
If we could lean on reason the world would look much different and we wouldn't have us snowflakes reacting with our feelings to everything new.
I suspect there is something in my first reply that gets lost in translation (not only language but also from my particular mind to yours and others reading this), if you are willing to put in the effort I would be thankful to understand where I went wrong in my attempt at communicating one way that I understand human behaviour.
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Comment on Non-queer men of Tildes: PLEASE consider before commenting on ~life.women and ~lgbt without careful consideration. We are losing members over this issue. in ~tildes
fnulare Link ParentI assume CTA = Call To Action. Otherwise please expand the acronym. Or you know what, please do it anyway ;)I assume CTA = Call To Action.
Otherwise please expand the acronym. Or you know what, please do it anyway ;)
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Comment on Non-queer men of Tildes: PLEASE consider before commenting on ~life.women and ~lgbt without careful consideration. We are losing members over this issue. in ~tildes
fnulare Link ParentI think there is a different way to interpret the behaviour in good faith. Let's say the topic is sexism. I as a man would like to think of myself as a non-sexist person. If I admit to myself that...I think there is a different way to interpret the behaviour in good faith.
Let's say the topic is sexism. I as a man would like to think of myself as a non-sexist person. If I admit to myself that the thing being discussed is happening then I must admit I am, in some way, sexist too (if only for the fact I'm unaware of this thing that has a negative effect on half the population). And since I want to believe I'm not sexist then there has to be something else wrong with the situation.
Does that make sense?
(I'm only talking about "good faith" instances here, bad faith arguments are another topic in my opinion.)
[Edit:] expanded "imo" to "in my opinion".
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (October 2026) in ~health.mental
fnulare Link ParentThe blogging continues... I was feeling great, even a little cute, after picking up my new bi-focal glasses. I even sent a picture to a small chatgroup with the (equivalent of the) word "catch" in...The blogging continues...
I was feeling great, even a little cute, after picking up my new bi-focal glasses. I even sent a picture to a small chatgroup with the (equivalent of the) word "catch" in the background.
It's the first time I succumb to my aging eyes in a non-vain way. I understand I will get used to it, but my eyes search for the bottom of the glass and my hand wants to lift them to the forehead. In a few days (or even hours) I will be used to search for the small line in the middle if the glass instead.
On my way to pick up the glasses I started a groupchat for some of my friends to meet up and talk about another friend that is being ostracised for sexist and alpha-type behaviour (it's happening, but things are a bit more complex, as always...), it has been well received.
Still feeling great.
And then I took I dive reading that someone has left Tildes again. The reasons stated makes me think it was a person I'd like. I don't like that.
And now I'm sad again. I hate that I get so affected, but I don't want to be unaffected by other people either.
On my way back to the metro, before reading the topic that shot me down I was thinking that it's time to implement a new tool in my life: the less I feel like going outside the more important it is. I'm not in love with the concept of striving for things to feel good, but I won't manage to work for making things better if I'm feeling too bad. So feeling good might be a good stepping stone, I just have to remember that it is not the goal. The goal is to be good.
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Comment on Men in tech #YesAllMen in ~life.women
fnulare Link Parentfnulare: Hi, mom! o/ Sorry, just got a twitch-chat urge to wave to your mom, as is customary in the parts of twitch chat that I frequent when a family member or friend is seen on camera.fnulare: Hi, mom! o/
Sorry, just got a twitch-chat urge to wave to your mom, as is customary in the parts of twitch chat that I frequent when a family member or friend is seen on camera.
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Comment on Men in tech #YesAllMen in ~life.women
fnulare LinkSince the accusation of white knighting is not an unusual way to keep men in check, I'm trying to understand how to communicate the difference in an effective way. Maybe this is a topic better...Since the accusation of white knighting is not an unusual way to keep men in check, I'm trying to understand how to communicate the difference in an effective way.
Maybe this is a topic better suited for ~life.men? What do you guys say, shall we move over to "our" space to continue the discussion about how to do this and other strategies for seeing and speaking up?
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Comment on Men in tech #YesAllMen in ~life.women
fnulare Link ParentWhile I'm first in line to bash on US-cultural imperialism I don't think what you are saying is true. I would urge you to spread the video aggressively among your peers with a note saying...While I'm first in line to bash on US-cultural imperialism I don't think what you are saying is true.
I would urge you to spread the video aggressively among your peers with a note saying something like.
I saw this presentation and as a swede I thought "this can't be correct", surely we are further along than this.
I know that we in Sweden like to hit us on the chest for how long we have come compared to other countries when it comes to gender-equality, but how far have we actually gotten?
Please share your experiences with me if you want, post them online with #YesAllMen or just know that I will do my best in the future to put a stop to these kinds of behaviours when I see them.
And especially important if you are a man that sees it and calls it, when I don't, I will at least back you up (and perhaps later you can explain it to me).
Let us know how it goes.
Remember that this is a call to action for men and a request that we don't wallow in shame for all the times we failed to speak up but rather that we put our foot down and say "next time I will speak up!"
disclaimer: I'm a swede too, and while I don't work in tech I'm having a hard time believing that the Swedish tech industry is a bubble where there no longer exists sexism and sexual harassment when our society is drenched in it.
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Comment on Men in tech #YesAllMen in ~life.women
fnulare Link ParentWell... In my opinion there are three layers to this. First there is what could be thought of as clickbait. You are supposed to think that there will be a woman accusing all men of being rapists...Well... In my opinion there are three layers to this.
First there is what could be thought of as clickbait. You are supposed to think that there will be a woman accusing all men of being rapists or habitual sexual harassers.
Secondly what she says is that all men have an obligation to see when sexual harassment towards women occur and to speak up about it, since that is required to change the culture.
Thirdly I think it is reasonable to conclude that #YesAllMen take part in sexist culture., depending on how you think about the bystander effect and/or the trolley problem.
I'm not a fan of clickbait, actually I mostly hate it, but I do love me some wittiness, banter and snark. And while this gets close to the line I don't think it crosses it.
(Although it is also reasonable to argue that everything that has the "ha-ha, made you look"-effect is clickbait I often use the old punk-ethos "kick upwards, lick downwards!" to judge these things.)
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Comment on What is your passion? And why? in ~life
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Comment on What is your passion? And why? in ~life
fnulare LinkFire! I love arranging a fire, setting it up, and the occasion. Having someone light it, preferably someone that will feel brave and proud to manage it. I can sit for hours staring and listening...Fire!
I love arranging a fire, setting it up, and the occasion. Having someone light it, preferably someone that will feel brave and proud to manage it.
I can sit for hours staring and listening to a fire. It is so comforting. And there is some kind of dignity around being in a group around a fire, teaching ourselves and each other the difference between fear and respect. I love fire.
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Comment on What is your passion? And why? in ~life
fnulare Link ParentWater is like fire, in some way, very primal-y calm, fascinating and comforting!Water is like fire, in some way, very primal-y calm, fascinating and comforting!
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Comment on What is your passion? And why? in ~life
fnulare Link ParentNo-ish? Water I'd an amazing medium to be a body in :)Did you post twice?
No-ish?
Water I'd an amazing medium to be a body in :)
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Comment on What is your passion? And why? in ~life
fnulare Link ParentI love this! I will never play a board game the same away, from now on I'll be part of the machine. Thank you <3I love this!
I will never play a board game the same away, from now on I'll be part of the machine. Thank you <3
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Comment on What is your passion? And why? in ~life
fnulare LinkPeople, or rather to understand humans. We are so baffling, yes I do include myself in the group of baffling people. There is so much we can do.People, or rather to understand humans.
We are so baffling, yes I do include myself in the group of baffling people.
There is so much we can do.
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Comment on Men in tech #YesAllMen in ~life.women
fnulare LinkI do understand why this was posted here, but imo it would fit better in ~society. While Jo Franchetti speaks of her experience as a woman in a male dominated space the same principle applies...I do understand why this was posted here, but imo it would fit better in ~society.
While Jo Franchetti speaks of her experience as a woman in a male dominated space the same principle applies "every where" for other minority[0] groups.
For real change to happen, individuals of the majority have to step up and brake the culture from their position of relative power.
The principle applies to men speaking up against sexism, cisfolks speaking up against transphobia, white people speaking up against rasism, middle class persons speaking up against classism.
And it is not limited to the work place either.
I think, as a member of many majority identities, the most important part is where she asks me to not wallow in shame (for all the times I failed to speak up) but rather decide to do better next time.
It is not my intention to take the spotlight away from sexism but rather to shine it on the excellent tool Jo gave all of us to fight against all oppressions.
[0] I will use "minority" and "majority" since it is my understanding that those are the accepted terms. Personally I would prefer to use "oppressed" and "oppressor" but I've learned manybfind those too harsh somehow.
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Comment on What is your passion? And why? in ~life
fnulare LinkParenting I do love young people (also known as children), but even more I love their caretakers. Everyone trying their best to provide for a young person is a hero in my book. It is not always...Parenting
I do love young people (also known as children), but even more I love their caretakers.
Everyone trying their best to provide for a young person is a hero in my book.
It is not always easy, and often quite hard to parent a child. Thank you.
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Comment on What is your passion? And why? in ~life
fnulare LinkBeing in water. Preferably lakes, the sea is ok and pools are a last resort. While there are lots of ways to be in the water and things you can do, what I love with it, is that I can feel my whole...Being in water.
Preferably lakes, the sea is ok and pools are a last resort.
While there are lots of ways to be in the water and things you can do, what I love with it, is that I can feel my whole skin at once.
It allows me to get a sense of my physical boundaries like nothing else. It does seem to help with my emotional boundaries as well, as when I get to spend time in water I also seem to manage to take care of myself better.
This year I've taken lessons to learn to swim better and also to freedive. In time I hope to take after Johanna Nordblad as the cold helps tremendously in defining the borders between me and the rest of the world.
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Comment on An update in ~health.mental
fnulare Link ParentExcellent news! Thanks for letting us know :)Excellent news!
Thanks for letting us know :)
Ah, I see what you mean. Thanks for taking the time to explain.
I'll give it a think and possibly get back to you if I think I have anything to add.
I've also reread my comment (the grandparent to this one)and it comes of as much more snarky than I would like, for that I apologise (with the mildest form of apology that is barely an aknowledgement) but now I'm the tired one so I won't try to edit it now.