Gaywallet's recent activity
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Comment on Five things the media does to manufacture outrage in ~news
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Comment on Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentOh hey there! Glad to hear you had a chance to read this and spend some more time with yourself and your thoughts. This is a long process and nothing can be really rushed - it's like a very slow...Oh hey there! Glad to hear you had a chance to read this and spend some more time with yourself and your thoughts. This is a long process and nothing can be really rushed - it's like a very slow meander through a giant public garden where you stop and examine each flower and plant, trying to figure out which speaks to you the most.
I'm glad you're looking to reach out to the local LGBTQ+ chapters and search for a space in which you can feel comfortable to try out different expressions and understand what you are drawn towards. It sounds like expanding your expression to more typically feminine means such as nails and hair and makeup has been a way for you to feel a bit more authentic and I'm glad it's seemingly helping you feel more at home in your body. I absolutely understand the desire to experience more dysphoria because then it would seem less like you were an imposter, but unfortunately for some of us it's not as cut and dry as male or female and we need to spend a bit more time understanding what gender really is and what really makes us uncomfortable and what makes us excited and happy.
I don't live on TERF island so I can't comment as to how scary it might be to come out in that way, but I definitely understand the hesitation, uncertainty, and the feeling of fear. The reality is that we do not live in a world which is not openly hostile in many ways to transgender individuals and it's only made even more clear with the litany of legislation being passed across the world restricting our rights on basic human needs like going to the bathroom. For these reasons alone, I can perfectly understand someone never coming out publicly, but even if you don't I think this reflection and understanding is important because it helps you to better understand your own needs and wants and how to prevent yourself from feeling bad when you do and know ways in which you can cheer yourself up.
I wish you the best on this journey and hope to hear more from you in the future. 💜
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Comment on What are you doing for Pride this week? (7-13 June) in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link Parenthaha it's not a competition! If you feel like you want to do more, go for it fam 💜haha it's not a competition! If you feel like you want to do more, go for it fam 💜
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Comment on What are you doing for Pride this week? (7-13 June) in ~lgbt
Gaywallet LinkI serve as a leader on the pride employee resource group at my work and we're doing lots of stuff for pride. This week I just got finished writing up two short educational pieces - one on...I serve as a leader on the pride employee resource group at my work and we're doing lots of stuff for pride.
This week I just got finished writing up two short educational pieces - one on straightwashing and another on the equality act. I'm helping to monitor chat for an event today in roughly an hour, and we have another planning meeting this week on Wednesday. I had a meeting yesterday to discuss with panelists about an event I will be moderating and serving as a panelist as next week that we've titled 'bring a straight friend' which is meant to be a semi-informal discussion among queer panelists and their straight friends they are bringing along as a way to allow them to ask hard questions in a safe environment and to help model this kind of behavior for others so that they can better connect with friends with intersectional identities with which they don't fully understand. I'm on deck for organizing this so I sent out notes, started a discussion so we can have more defined questions to fall back on, and started gathering photos and identities for a short slide deck to open the panel.
Things not pride related - I've been incredibly busy lately and one exciting thing is that I'm trying to place an offer on a place in SF. I'd love to be closer to the queers I regularly visit (partners and otherwise) and excited to be moving to a much gayer city in the near future.
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Comment on Once a bastion of free speech, the ACLU faces an identity crisis in ~misc
Gaywallet Link ParentFirst off, I want to thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on free speech. I wanted to take a second to pose a few questions to the reader who thinks free speech is an ultimate good...First off, I want to thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on free speech. I wanted to take a second to pose a few questions to the reader who thinks free speech is an ultimate good to society and the backbone of the American spirit.
How many times have you gone to an online community with clearly written rules, only to find a bad actor subverting them all and causing problems? How many times have you seen powerful legal entities in the news successfully get someone rich or powerful or a large company off from doing something that you know you would never be able to get away with yourself?
Laws in America exist to be infinitely interpreted by language. There is no law that cannot be read multiple ways, and thus having a law which says 'all speech is allowed' will be interpreted in every possible way and every possible way will reach the court system and a group of individuals will have to weigh in on whether this makes sense or not. This latter part, I like to refer to as the 'spirit' of the law, and I think is an important part that often gets overlooked or not included when we talk about creating and enforcing laws.
I personally believe that in a world that exists in shades of gray, that the spirit of a law is vastly more important and an integral part of framing how we enforce laws. I believe that the idea being posed here - democratic absolutism, exists more in the realm of the spirit of law, rather than what is written. I believe we need to move beyond the idea that words can ever perfectly capture an idea, and instead move towards a system designed to involve enough trained people at the important times to enforce the spirit of the law, rather than the word.
You see, when we create any law, we're trying to apply it to circumstances that make sense in our head at the time - but we are limited by our own creative capacity. When we create a law to stop something we find morally reprehensible such as murder, we think in a defined space - we imagine someone attacking and killing someone and may forget to think about people defending themselves and of those who defend themselves may not be considering the difference between someone who intends to kill their attacker and escalates or those who are doing everything in their capacity to prevent a death. We can spend ages revising the law to try and accommodate (see, stand your ground laws), or we can move beyond the words to an understanding of spirit and design laws to accommodate the spirit of the law. When we allow a group of educated humans to weigh in, it takes almost no time for nearly everyone to recognize that there is a distinct difference between premeditated murder, and someone killing someone in self defense. If we exist in a system which supports interpretations of spirit, these humans can weigh in on and help to define what the law is attempting to capture (very similar to how we use case law) without having to amend the wording itself.
I think we can all agree that there are situations in which free speech is damaging. We can probably all agree that there are certain ideas that we may not agree with which we think are damaging, but we may not have the expertise to assess whether they are actually damaging. We need to evolve beyond the letter of the law to reach a society in which we can have experts weigh in on how damaging this speech actually is to society, and can create systems which scale punishment and allowance based on these factors. If we get enough experts in a room together, we can surely set reasonable boundaries on hate speech of various kinds so as not to set precedence for all other kinds of speech (perhaps it shall be extremely limited and apply only to specific nazi points, or perhaps it shall be a bit more broad and classify what hate speech entails) but through interpretation, rather than specific word of law. But in order to do this, we need to abandon the idea that any written word can be perfect and that we need to get it 100% right the first time. We need to be okay with the idea that laws can evolve over time to match our current society and that threats today may not be threats tomorrow and that threats will emerge over time and we will need to adapt the spirit to fit them.
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Comment on Where'd You Go? in ~life
Gaywallet Link ParentNo worries, I'm glad to hear you found the post useful. 💜I'm sorry I don't have a more in-depth reply for you. But thank you, honestly, for understanding.
No worries, I'm glad to hear you found the post useful. 💜
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Comment on Where'd You Go? in ~life
Gaywallet Link ParentFantastic self reflection, I'm glad to see you thinking so deeply about the subject on account of how important it is to the world and your own sense of self. I want to pick out this sentence in...Fantastic self reflection, I'm glad to see you thinking so deeply about the subject on account of how important it is to the world and your own sense of self.
I understand that my emotional reaction is kind of tribal and probably stupid.
I want to pick out this sentence in particular because there's a dismissal of your own feelings here. I don't know whether this is driven by the male narrative that @kfwyre beautifully talks about in this thread when it comes to silence and action or whether this is some sort of self censure... but I do know that recognizing emotions and the effect they have on you is no trivial matter.
The feelings you get on behalf of language are absolutely important and no emotions are 'stupid'. They can be unhelpful or act in direct opposition of what we want to or know we should be doing. They can be disruptive and interfering and counterintuitive, but they are never stupid. The recognition of this emotion and the framing you are building where you compare this emotion to your reaction to other similar situations are important for you to manage your reaction to said emotions, but the emotions themselves are always valid and you always have a right to feel them.
I don't know how to resolve this dissonance. Should we just both sides this argument and say it's not okay for either side to do it?
I'm going to take a bit of a radical stance here and say that both narratives are both important and valid and both should exist at the same time. People have a right to vent their emotions at systems which oppress and hurt them and should not be required to manage the emotions of others when they do so. This is the cost of a system which is designed to be inequitable. Unfortunately, this also means that some of the people within the system who are benefiting from it but are working towards equity will be emotionally affected by the venting of those who are affected. We should accommodate this as well by providing them spaces, such as the one we are in currently, to vent and reflect on their own emotions in response.
It is profoundly human to be emotional and all emotions are valid. It can be hard at times to reconcile this with the world because we often operate in a space which is seemingly logical. We describe the world with science which adheres fiercely to rules, yet we live in a space occupied with humans which are fickle and emotional. The best we can do in such a large, shared space is to understand, accommodate and recognize the powerful and conflicting effects that emotion can have on us. We need to allow other humans the space to be conflicted about an issue, to be of two minds, to be upset at each other, and for any emotion to be ultimately fleeting or something which is struggled with for an entire lifetime. This is no easy task, but I believe the more we talk about emotion and understand how it affects us, the better we can be at understanding and being forgiving about the powerful hold it has on our humanity. It is okay for me to feel deeply upset about how this author feels and on behalf of how you and other men in this thread feel while also deeply upset about the current state of affairs for women and gender minority individuals and to allow all individuals to emotionally express their own feelings about how the system causes them to be hurt.
What I'm saying is that there is no simple answer - we need to have these discussions openly and to allow others a glimpse into how we are feeling in order to move forwards to a better state of being. Venting our emotions and having these discussions in an open and honest way can help us to better understand each other and to build trust and a sense of belonging. If we feel trapped by our conflicted emotions, it can help us to feel free when members on the other side of the fence recognize our state and resonate with it or show some level of understanding. Reflecting on our emotions can help train our minds to respond more appropriately when we feel them.
In short, I think these discussions are healthy and helpful to have, so long as we are all coming to the table in earnest and respect when others share their vulnerabilities. Thank you for coming and doing precisely this. 💜
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Comment on Where'd You Go? in ~life
Gaywallet Link ParentHow do you react to other similar sweeping statements? If someone says 'humans are cruel' or 'god I hate humanity' how does that make you feel? When people talk negatively about capitalism, how do...So I'm afraid that I'll always feel included in the men are trash statement, even though I know that know that it's not meant like that.
How do you react to other similar sweeping statements? If someone says 'humans are cruel' or 'god I hate humanity' how does that make you feel? When people talk negatively about capitalism, how do you feel participating in a capitalistic society? Is there a level of specificity at which you take offense on behalf of your labels - if so, where is it?
I think some deeper reflection to understand where and when something becomes a pain point would be useful to help understand what is the appropriate response and when and to separate any knee-jerk emotions from the words being spoken. Sometimes we parse messages in entirely different ways based on the use of a single word, phrase, or even a level of detail. Just a thought that might help the emotional reaction to a statement which it sounds like you don't want to take personally, but do.
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Comment on Where'd You Go? in ~life
Gaywallet LinkWow, powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing. I think there's a great message in there. I resonated with a good deal of what's in there, and can see how this might be helpful for those that resonate...Wow, powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing. I think there's a great message in there. I resonated with a good deal of what's in there, and can see how this might be helpful for those that resonate stronger or frame their self worth issues in a different way.
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Comment on Chick-fil-A’s profits are being used to push anti-trans state laws and kill the Equality Act in ~news
Gaywallet Link ParentYeah I'm sadly aware of how most people treat it. However, they absolutely have had a PR campaign to try and wash away their sins and paint them in a good light and some people may have fallen...Yeah I'm sadly aware of how most people treat it. However, they absolutely have had a PR campaign to try and wash away their sins and paint them in a good light and some people may have fallen prey to this. If you keep sending them articles about what new atrocities they are committing, you might be able to change the minds of a few of them. This is the first time I've heard of them pushing anti-trans stuff, and some of the people you know may be receptive to this message.
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Comment on Chick-fil-A’s profits are being used to push anti-trans state laws and kill the Equality Act in ~news
Gaywallet Link ParentIt took me awhile to get on the bandwagon of boycotting chik fil a, and I think repeatedly surfacing the abhorrent things that they do can help people make the decision. If you know people who are...It took me awhile to get on the bandwagon of boycotting chik fil a, and I think repeatedly surfacing the abhorrent things that they do can help people make the decision. If you know people who are still on the fence or are still eating there, please send articles like this their way.
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Chick-fil-A’s profits are being used to push anti-trans state laws and kill the Equality Act
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Comment on The perpetual discourse over who comes to Pride, and what they look like, explained in ~lgbt
Gaywallet LinkBeen watching this discourse play out online on social media this year and I find the argument of kink at pride a tiresome one, especially when 30+ legislatures are pushing cookie cutter...Been watching this discourse play out online on social media this year and I find the argument of kink at pride a tiresome one, especially when 30+ legislatures are pushing cookie cutter anti-trans legislation across the nation. This is not just a US issue - in many places around the world there is a significant conservative push against trans rights in response to the growing visibility of this marginalized community. I find it rather disconcerting that the focus is on this stupid conversation, instead of redirecting towards matters which will likely cause unnecessary suicide of transgender youth and harm to those who are not (genital inspection laws) as well as other legally protected discrimination against transgender individuals. There are much bigger threats we should be focusing our efforts on discussing.
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Comment on California bill to decriminalize psychedelics is approved by Senate, now moves on to Assembly in ~news
Gaywallet LinkWow, incredibly exciting to see so many drug decriminalization movements starting in the US. We lost the war on drugs, it's time to stop prosecuting for possession and start treating these...Wow, incredibly exciting to see so many drug decriminalization movements starting in the US. We lost the war on drugs, it's time to stop prosecuting for possession and start treating these substances through a scientific lens on human behavior and consumption.
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Comment on Amazon calls warehouse workers "industrial athletes" in leaked wellness pamphlet in ~life
Gaywallet LinkThe section on how one employee's health insurance was delayed by Amazon and not by the health insurer is particularly telling about how Amazon treats their employees. This PR buzzwordwashing is...The section on how one employee's health insurance was delayed by Amazon and not by the health insurer is particularly telling about how Amazon treats their employees. This PR buzzwordwashing is absolutely disgusting and I'm worried other companies are looking at Amazon and trying to replicate in order to keep costs low and treat humans in a dehumanizing manner.
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Comment on What did you do this weekend? in ~talk
Gaywallet LinkLong story short I was able to see 4 different partners this weekend, ended up starting an unintentional sex party, saw a wonderful place in SF that I'm trying to get in contract on and had a...Long story short I was able to see 4 different partners this weekend, ended up starting an unintentional sex party, saw a wonderful place in SF that I'm trying to get in contract on and had a relaxing day at home on memorial day. All in all a great weekend.
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Comment on One-fifth of US beef capacity wiped out by JBS cyberattack in ~tech
Gaywallet Link ParentIf I had to venture a guess, the design of the system was contracted out. This means that the lowest bidder typically wins, and it becomes a race to the bottom. As a third party contractor, how...If I had to venture a guess, the design of the system was contracted out. This means that the lowest bidder typically wins, and it becomes a race to the bottom. As a third party contractor, how can I design a system that is as cheap as possible? Well I start by throwing security out the window and by contracting out to a eastern European or Asian company for the actual coding.
In the off-chance that it wasn't contracted out, this is what happens when your funding is minimal. We've been de-funding infrastructure for ages (see: all of our crumbling bridges) and if you're going to need to justify every job at a water facility, it's hard to justify more IT professionals when you're arguing for a slice of the same pie that's going to people physically maintaining the facilities. Both are necessary, it's just that if you're lucky one isn't needed.
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Comment on As Pride Month begins, Republicans double down on restricting transgender Americans in ~lgbt
Gaywallet LinkThank you for this. I was searching for a short and sweet article laying out how this is a concerted effort by the right. I'm still waiting to see something like this detailing the origins of the...Thank you for this. I was searching for a short and sweet article laying out how this is a concerted effort by the right. I'm still waiting to see something like this detailing the origins of the whole stupid kink at pride is non-consensual idiocy that's erupted online but not holding my breath on that one.
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Comment on It turns out, all those 'woke' White allies were lying in ~misc
Gaywallet Link ParentSorry my friend, but life is never as black and white as we like to paint it and I firmly believe that the better we can place ourselves in the shoes of our fellow human, the better we can make...Sorry my friend, but life is never as black and white as we like to paint it and I firmly believe that the better we can place ourselves in the shoes of our fellow human, the better we can make decisions about the world. I'm glad you found it useful and spoke up about it. I often find myself questioning why I'm here and continuing to advocate in the way I do and receiving words of praise help remind me that it does make a difference. 💜
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Comment on Looking for "gender questioning" content and personal experiences in ~lgbt
Gaywallet (edited )Link ParentReading through this list, there are very few that I would say are written in a way which is not through the lens of a trans perspective or narrative. Can you list a few that you identify with...I'm not sure if I can put down some of my struggles to dysphoria, or just being a bit socially awkward and depressed.
Reading through this list, there are very few that I would say are written in a way which is not through the lens of a trans perspective or narrative. Can you list a few that you identify with that you aren't sure of the source? Perhaps dissecting a few with an outside observer might be a good exercise.
as someone that has left puberty and fled the parental nest, the conversations don't always feel like something I can include myself in because I'm at a different stage in my life.
Most trans spaces I've found online have at least a few individuals who skew older. You're right, however, that many children and young adults are questioning at young ages and I'm glad they can have spaces to do so. Perhaps you aren't looking in the right places? Have you tried asking a question in /r/asktransgender where you specifically solicit the voices of adult UK located trans or asking on these servers about who might better represent your demographic? Also, to be fair to the younger trans individuals on these servers, I'd like to point out that many of them can be incredibly insightful and you may learn things from discussions with them.
I have struggled with my mental health and a sense of "not fitting in" for many years, but I'm finding it hard to know if that can be blamed on gender or if there is some other neurodivergent quirk in my brain that is causing it.
How much time have you spent in therapy? I'm starting to see a common thread here of the inability to separate the two and I think there's two ways with which you can approach this. The first is deep reflection with the help of a professional who can help guide you at the driving forces. The other way to approach this is to simply try out transitioning in some social context - be it local queer groups, purely through an online lens, or something else. It sounds like you have been trying out new names, new pronouns, different dress and it's giving you euphoria. This is an incredibly strong signal to me that you are likely gender nonconforming of some sort. Whether you choose to identify as a trans girl, non binary or something else is entirely up to you and I would suggest not trying to force yourself into a label. You find these things euphoric so keep doing them! Expand the group of people who know your new name. Keep dressing the way you want to. Ask people to use the pronouns that make you feel good. Don't worry so much whether you fit into the label, but rather find the label that best describes you or shirk all labels entirely.
As an aside, I strongly resonate with the idea of not dissociating. I'm actually fairly convinced I don't dissociate, at all, including when under the effects of dissociating drugs. I've also never lost consciousness (outside of sleep). This was absolutely a point in which I struggle with when listening to the typical trans experience.
I do feel some level of dissatisfaction looking at my face and body in the mirror, but again I don't know if that can be put down to dysphoria or just the standard level of wishing you looked a different way that everyone feels?
I want to touch on this one in particular because I used to have a diagnosis of body dysmorphic disorder. After a long time of dealing with it through therapists, I was able to manage it through self-reflection and adaptive tools and processes. I believe my BDD has entirely gone away since maybe 6mos into transition and I can't explain it outside of my brain just doesn't care as much anymore. I find myself heavily attracted to fit muscular bodies, and my own hyper exercising and dieting made my own body resemble this, so it was easy to tell myself the narrative was that of BDD - a perception issue. At it's core, this was correct, I was not perceiving my body in the right way. I struggle with words on how to explain how my mind has shifted, outside of it simply not taking up space in my brain anymore. I see myself in the mirror and I simply don't think the same things anymore.
I think the general point I'm trying to draw here is that a 'general dissatisfaction' with oneself can easily be ascribed to social norms or insecurity or even a disorder of perception but at least in my case no amount of self reflection revealed the true source. Perhaps there are more questions I can still ask myself to understand how there was this confusion, but I wouldn't rely on it as a signal that things are or are not one way or another. If this isn't providing any insight for you, don't focus on it, and think about what else can be done to help understand and characterize what your brain is doing and revisit it once you've figured that out.
I worry that I've spent so much time bending to others' expectations of me that I've never really had the opportunity to explore my own expectations, if that makes sense?
This is something I've deeply struggled with. I still have incredibly strong feelings about personality tests because of the way my brain approaches problems. Some of this is adaptation to my own childhood trauma and needing to find a way to manipulate people into doing what a child wants (which you do by creating a persona they will like) but I think some of it is that I'm an incredibly extroverted person who happens to be a bit of a social chameleon. I've found much more of a sense of what I am, so to speak, as I've continued to transition. If you don't give yourself the space to assert yourself and what you want (even if it seems insignificant and unimportant to assert your wants and needs) you cannot begin to build up your own story and give yourself a narrative and personality.
I think that's mostly fear about the idea of trying any of this stuff out in a less private way and being rejected.
The thing about this, is that it's true for everyone. It doesn't matter what characteristic it is. If you are outwardly a sports fan, someone will take issue with it. If you are outwardly a fan of any specific artist, someone will make fun of you for it. If you think people are great, someone will tell you that they suck. You need to think less about whether people will reject you and think more about how expressing what you enjoy will allow you to control who's around you and how it will make you feel to be authentic. This is, of course, entirely dependent on your own security and safety and privilege. Unfortunately the world does not always accept this, and you're inviting the possibility to be discriminated against by expressing something gender nonconforming. But I hope it's an option for you, even if it's limited to your closest friends, family, and lovers.
For the better part of the past 15 years there have been regular spikes in my wanting to play around with my gender expression, which then settle down again, either out of shame, fear, or depression.
Only after breaking up with my ex did I realize what I was doing with my gender expression. I have a similar narrative. The best way I can summarize it is that much like some people bottle up anger, I was bottling up femininity. I did it for a variety of reasons, but it would occasionally explode and I would find myself inexplicably drawn towards the idea of heavy crossplay for a day or two. I'd go full out on makeup and dress as girly as possible because I was not regularly expressing my femme side in smaller ways. When I figured this out I redefined into non-binary (I previously thought of myself as some form of gender fluid) because I didn't have a good way to explain how I felt or how I wanted to express. I think this is where I comfortably sit, because being referred to as male I strongly reject and while I am okay with being referred to as female this is also something I've found that I can strongly reject in certain circumstances (something I would have never experienced if I hadn't expanded my gender expression and invited many more wonderful people into my life).
I don't think I feel what I would describe as dysphoria, and certainly haven't "known since I was a small child,"
In case no one has told you this yet, you don't need to experience dysphoria to be trans. You don't need to experience euphoria to be trans. You don't have to know from childhood to be trans. There is no magical 'oh this is trans' narrative - every trans person is different and valid and their stories are just as wonderful and diverse as they are as people.
how can I tell if I'm not just trying to find evidence to justify a feeling, and ignoring all the other times when I didn't toy with not being a man?
I just want to point out that not being a man makes you trans (by definition, please feel free to reject this label if you do not vibe), and you don't have to identify with being a woman (or trans woman) to be trans either. You can define yourself as simply 'not a man' if you wish, and is a label I actually jokingly adopted for awhile as a way to express how I felt before I decided on non-binary.
Sorry, that's quite a word vomity answer, and I don't know if it's actually that coherent.
I'm glad you took the time to type this out, because I think there's a lot to work with here and I hope what I expressed helps you come to understand yourself better.
getting 404 post not found on this
edit: found the link you lost a number at the end