Gaywallet's recent activity
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Comment on US President Donald Trump to issue executive orders to end birthright citizenship, limit gender identity — incoming official in ~lgbt
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Lambda Legal condemns anti-LGBTQ+ US executive orders, vows legal action: “We’ll see you in court”
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Comment on US President Donald Trump to issue executive orders to end birthright citizenship, limit gender identity — incoming official in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentBefore I say anything I want to mention that this isn't meant as an attack and I'm happy that folks have stepped in to help educate you and that you're interested in educating yourself, as this is...- Exemplary
I feel like we're quibbling over details
Before I say anything I want to mention that this isn't meant as an attack and I'm happy that folks have stepped in to help educate you and that you're interested in educating yourself, as this is an important and admirable quality!
But I also want to bring your attention to the fact that you are explicitly in the LGBT group, posting in a thread about a political action which is erasing and directly attacking folks. There are folks in here who are scared, upset, and who are facing dire consequences on behalf of a hateful act by a person in power. I would encourage you to think carefully about set and setting - where particular discussions are relevant and appropriate, when discussions should happen in the open as opposed to in private, and also about how much time and effort you should spend to educate yourself first, before asking to be educated by others, especially those who are likely currently emotionally drained and exhausted.
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Comment on US President Donald Trump to issue executive orders to end birthright citizenship, limit gender identity — incoming official in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentYou're not wrong, and they have wormed their way into many branches of the government. How things are supposed to work and how things are actually working are two different things, but many of...You're not wrong, and they have wormed their way into many branches of the government. How things are supposed to work and how things are actually working are two different things, but many of those "aligned" with him are not interested in dismantling the government in the same ways. Much of this will meet legal challenges and a lot of this won't stand. But some will and it's a major blow for sure, I'm just trying to set the stage for what it is the reasonable range of things happening - certainly not everything in this document and certainly not none.
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Comment on US President Donald Trump to issue executive orders to end birthright citizenship, limit gender identity — incoming official in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentA lot of this is patently unenforceable. Telling the AG to ignore the supreme court ruling and prosecute shows a distinct lack of comprehension of the basics of US politics. But some of this can...A lot of this is patently unenforceable. Telling the AG to ignore the supreme court ruling and prosecute shows a distinct lack of comprehension of the basics of US politics. But some of this can and will have a very bad negative effect. We can only hope that the agencies will drag their feet and take no action for as long as possible as legal fights happen. I have zero confidence in the supreme court, however, they will likely fast track this as much as possible to weigh in politically. Where they decide to draw the line is a hard one to guess, we can only hope they primarily use it to 'defend women's spaces' on the federal level. Almost certainly they will revoke gender based protections and shift directly to this definition of sex.
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Comment on Buying a game from a director that you really have problems with (Kingdom Come) in ~games
Gaywallet Link ParentThis is compressing a complicated issue down to a single one. It is entirely possible to simultaneously enjoy and hate something. I can see a piece of art by a bad person and enjoy the artwork...I think it’s like instinctively liking a piece of music. You can’t unlike it. If you like Wagner, you listen to Wagner!
This is compressing a complicated issue down to a single one.
It is entirely possible to simultaneously enjoy and hate something. I can see a piece of art by a bad person and enjoy the artwork itself while hating the person who made it and ultimately ending up at disliking the art piece. Emotions are complicated, can be multi-layered, and do not have to follow logical rules.
How much I enjoy something can be deeply shaped by the person who created it, as well, and can turn a very positive feeling into a negative one (or vice versa). Not knowing who created something can temporarily separate these feelings (as you said I may enjoy a piece of music without knowing who created it) but I cannot stop myself from having feelings once I know who made it, and those feelings are just as valid as the feelings about the art itself.
If this is not how your brain works, that perfectly fine too! But I think more of us are alike than not, we just often do not recognize quite how alike we are. There are many aspects of humanity in which we do not separate the person from the action, and some of them are considered widely to be fundamental parts of being human. Social interactions, for example, are shaped deeply by this. Has a gift ever felt special because it was given by a specific person? Does a hug from a stranger feel the same as a hug from your mom? How about intimacy and sexual relations - are they the same regardless of the person? If you've been lucky enough to ever have been gifted art, especially from a child or someone who is a relative amateur at what they do, did you find yourself enjoying the art more than it's skill level might have had you enjoying it if you had simply found said art?
I'm not making a judgement on anyone for deciding that they enjoy the art enough to ignore whatever made the artist a bad person, or even from looking into who the artist was, but I think it's important to acknowledge that we have feelings and it's completely normal and valid to follow those feelings. For some, those feelings greatly color their experience and it's dismissive to simply tell them to separate the art from the artist- it's invaliding their feelings and it's ignoring a completely normal part of humanity.
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Facebook is censoring 404 Media stories about Facebook's censorship
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Comment on The queer fantasy of playersexuality in ~games
Gaywallet Link ParentI think DA2 was a specific kind of lazy rushedness to it where the playersexuality really feels like it's the same relationship regardless of the gender of the protagonist. It's difficult to have...I think DA2 was a specific kind of lazy rushedness to it where the playersexuality really feels like it's the same relationship regardless of the gender of the protagonist. It's difficult to have nuanced relationships when the story arcs aren't really worked on. I think there are a few games out there which have fantastic takes on this- cyberpunk is another that comes to mind where there are relationships which are clearly designed to be a specific sexuality and relationship type. Judy, for example, reads very sapphic and the relationship feels like it was written by someone who has experience with those kinds of relationships in a similar way that Garrus's bromance felt like it was written with a specific viewpoint in mind. There's certainly a subcomponent of depth to consider here - some games go deep on the relationship angle and write some fantastic stories and other's don't. When you bother to spend the time to write compelling stories, I think there's less of a focus on playersexuality in general because a lack of availability is made up for with an increase in depth (although it is wonderful when you get both, such as in ME as you mentioned).
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Comment on The queer fantasy of playersexuality in ~games
Gaywallet Link ParentI'm certainly not going to chastise you for not being interested or wanting to take limited mental energy elsewhere, but perhaps this is a sign that you might be overextended and need to take on...I'm certainly not going to chastise you for not being interested or wanting to take limited mental energy elsewhere, but perhaps this is a sign that you might be overextended and need to take on some self care? I can't speak for others, but it didn't feel emotionally or mentally draining for me to read through the article. I do happen to find discussions on societal values and human behavior to be fascinating, however, so I might have some level of bias to how I viewed this article.
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Comment on The queer fantasy of playersexuality in ~games
Gaywallet Link Parent"Overanalyze and be upset about" was not my takeaway from this article at all. It felt much more like a rumination on a cultural phenomenon, an examination of what forces were acting on the..."Overanalyze and be upset about" was not my takeaway from this article at all. It felt much more like a rumination on a cultural phenomenon, an examination of what forces were acting on the various sides of the debate, a short history on gaming and specifically romance arcs in games, and some light commentary on queerphobia in the gaming world. It didn't feel to me like the author was worked up at all, in fact a lot of the writing felt explicitly separated from emotion in an attempt to objectively look at the situation and remove as much bias as possible - they rarely insert themselves in the conversation and often refer to camps of players pro and con the issue in the 3rd person.
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The queer fantasy of playersexuality
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Comment on Polyamory, visibility, and public perception in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentFor what it's worth, even in SF I end up doing a lot of polytraining. I keep thinking to myself I need to view this as more of a red flag than a yellow flag, as it's the folks newest to polyamory...I'm in the midwest, in a small town outside a small city amidst corn fields so it's not a huge community here either.
For what it's worth, even in SF I end up doing a lot of polytraining. I keep thinking to myself I need to view this as more of a red flag than a yellow flag, as it's the folks newest to polyamory that tend to hurt me the most, but a part of me also always resists that urge because I think it's a silly reason to rule someone out - we all have to start somewhere.
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Comment on ‘Emilia Pérez’ and ‘The Brutalist’ take top film prizes at Golden Globes in ~movies
Gaywallet Link ParentAs someone who is trans and has seen a fair deal of trans representation in media, here are a few high level thoughts on the matter: The trans representation is extremely tokenized. There's very...As someone who is trans and has seen a fair deal of trans representation in media, here are a few high level thoughts on the matter:
- The trans representation is extremely tokenized. There's very little nuance involved- you could argue that at least it's diverse representation because it's not a white person being trans or that the trans person is a complicated character, but it's hard to take that seriously when they are a literal villain.
- As was mentioned earlier, the vaginoplasty song is incredibly cringe. It's clearly viewed through the lens of thinking about it as a man getting a vagina put in for the purposes of sex (treating transgender like a fetish, which is problematic).
- Speaking of the vaginoplasty song, this is the clear focus of the need for a "surgery" to turn the main character "female" (I don't know how much is lost in translation here, but it does seem to be simplifying down to a single surgery and focusing on the vagina), but after the surgery happens, the next time we see the character they've clearly had all kinds of other work done (breast aug, facial surgery, etc). The focus on the sexualization of the main character just comes off as creepy.
- When we are first introduced to the main character, they are clearly presenting as male. The backstory of always wanting to be a woman is revealed through some discussions with a surgeon, but it's extremely cookie cutter and feels like it was rushed in post. There's not really anything to unpack here, no emotional storytelling, just very matter of fact and practically glazed over.
- To be fair, there are some points that either required research or had some trans representation on, as there's a scene in which the main character reveals they have been on hormones for more than a year by exposing their chest (which is a weirdly sexual way to do so rather than just simply stating it), a requirement for getting SRS surgery in many places in the world, and there's some scenes with the doctor who performs surgeries on the main character where they are doing a standard psych evaluation (also a requirement in most places in the world).
- Tacking on transness to the idea of making up for past crimes just frankly felt lazy. There's no depth to the character, this seems to be the only way in which they have changed. If the movie felt more complex, I could take this as a nuanced look into how simply transitioning is not going to change who someone is, but the general laziness of the writing and the clear tokenized view of the main character makes me feel like being trans was tacked on to an already existing story or idea (drug lord makes up for past crimes). In fact, nearly all the real real takeaways from the storyline seem to be about transness and drug lord being glued together- themes like how keeping secrets can be harmful to the ones we love, or how to make up for past mistakes, how folks struggle to grow from their past and trauma... these are completely inseparable from both their trans identity and their drug lord identity. All nuance is erased and compressed into a conflation of these two character attributes.
Of all the trans rep I've seen in movies this felt by far the worst I've seen in ages, which makes it upsetting that it won so many awards. It's a shame, too, as there are some fantastic performances, but the writing is trash. I was physically cringing throughout a solid half of the movie and shaking my head at how toxic some of the framing was. I think in this case the negative reviews it's getting is less about whether it matched other trans people's realities or experiences so much as it how much it lazily tokenized trans folks and how clear it was to any trans person how little it centered their actual existence.
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Comment on Polyamory, visibility, and public perception in ~lgbt
Gaywallet LinkIn short, yes, in the same way that I get judgement for my various queer identities. It's nothing new, and the judgement really depends on the person. I live in one of the most poly-friendly...In short, yes, in the same way that I get judgement for my various queer identities. It's nothing new, and the judgement really depends on the person. I live in one of the most poly-friendly places on earth (San Francisco bay area), but we're still absolutely the minority, and some of the dating circles I operate within are not super poly friendly (Lesbians are way more monogamous than bisexual folks in this area, for example). Navigating non-monogamous spaces can be the trickiest, but around here people tend to keep their thoughts to themselves outside of the occasional phobic comments which fall in the same line of biphobia (oh wow you have so many more options; I bet you're a slut!). I've also learned to avoid talking in too much depth about my polycule at work as well because I find that the cis het folks are a bit less understanding or make inappropriate comments upon my love life.
With that being said, I do strongly feel that I'm living in a space where I have many more positive experiences involving being poly than negative. There's a rather large dating pool of poly and ambiamorous folks. This also means that many folks are open to the idea but lack experience, unfortunately, but I'd rather have that then folks openly get upset if they learn I'm poly. A lot of monogamous folks are directly open about their desire for monogamy as well, which makes dating on apps a bit easier.
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Comment on ‘Emilia Pérez’ and ‘The Brutalist’ take top film prizes at Golden Globes in ~movies
Gaywallet Link ParentI cringed so hard at this. I still watched it all the way through, but it was very clear to me from very early on that it was written by cis folks who don't understand trans people at all.the song Vaginoplasty
I cringed so hard at this. I still watched it all the way through, but it was very clear to me from very early on that it was written by cis folks who don't understand trans people at all.
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Why aren't we talking about the real reason male college enrollment is dropping?
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Comment on Tackling violence against women: the elusive concept of consent in ~life.women
Gaywallet Link ParentAbsolutely, I reckon for most abusers the underlying mental health issues from their own trauma (very often SA they also experienced) is at the core of their problematic behavior.Absolutely, I reckon for most abusers the underlying mental health issues from their own trauma (very often SA they also experienced) is at the core of their problematic behavior.
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Comment on Tackling violence against women: the elusive concept of consent in ~life.women
Gaywallet Link ParentNo problem at all friend, we're all working towards a better future. Thank you for engaging thoughtfully and being willing to educate and work on yourself - it's a rare and admirable quality to...No problem at all friend, we're all working towards a better future. Thank you for engaging thoughtfully and being willing to educate and work on yourself - it's a rare and admirable quality to possess💜
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Comment on Tackling violence against women: the elusive concept of consent in ~life.women
Gaywallet Link ParentThe problem is there's no way to confirm that a future event involved the appropriate context for the consent. I could be dating someone and be even looking forward to sex with an individual, but...The problem is there's no way to confirm that a future event involved the appropriate context for the consent. I could be dating someone and be even looking forward to sex with an individual, but they might dose me with a drug and rape me. They could also do something in the bedroom which ultimately becomes a matter of who's story one believes. Or they might say or do something in the future which withdraws said consent.
The best practice is simply to teach people what healthy talks about consent look like and to model consent seeking behavior in the bedroom so that others can be informed and know how to navigate these discussions. None of this solves the problem of justice when force is on the more extreme end (such as violent rape), but it can help to reduce rape which involves coercion or simple miscommunication.
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Comment on Tackling violence against women: the elusive concept of consent in ~life.women
Gaywallet (edited )Link ParentRestorative justice is focused on centering the needs of the two parties. A heartfelt apology would only be restorative justice in a case where it's what is requested by the party which was...Restorative justice is focused on centering the needs of the two parties. A heartfelt apology would only be restorative justice in a case where it's what is requested by the party which was harmed. I didn't include any examples, but some of the ones often trot out by folks who are worried about unfair justice include situations such as two folks who have a history of consensual sex having a night which involves non-consensual sex because someone is under the influence of drugs, or coerced to do something sexually they weren't on board with. These are the kinds of situations in which the party which was raped may not want serious punishment from the other party, and are generally looking for either an apology or for a new dynamic to emerge in which consent is more actively sought. I have experienced situations like this as well as situations in which I was raped by a party where I did not have a history of consensual relations with and what restorative justice would look like for me is vastly different because these are measurably different offenses but the punitive system sees them both in the same way. In general, I would suggest reading into restorative justice if you are unfamiliar with the practice.
I didn't explicitly call this out, but I suspect we are also operating on different definitions of what rape is and means, and it's likely centered through a punitive justice system's viewpoint of rape. I am considering any violation of consent which involves sexual penetration as rape. In most punitive justice systems there are lesser forms of rape such as molestation which can still include penetration (putting fingers in someone might not be considered rape in all cases) and gray areas which I think may not be considered here. In order to be inclusive of sex outside of the binary heterosexual scope and to also be inclusive of other sexually charged activities such as kink focused ones, I like to personally include some non-penetrative activities as existing under the rape umbrella (my point was broadly speaking about sexual assault and not confined to rape), but that really only makes sense when we speak in restorative and rehabilitative contexts. I think all of us agree that while it is weird and harmful and shouldn't happen, the punishment for someone who non-consensually inserts their fingers into someone's mouth in a sexual context should be vastly different than someone who violently and forcibly has penetrative sex with someone's penis, vagina, or anus. These kinds of differences are often lost and frankly not navigable in punitive systems.
I hope you understand that I'm not attacking or making any judgements about you in particular. The point of my reply was to remind you (and anyone else reading this) that this is a shared space. There are others here, and we should do our best to have empathy towards them. This means that we need to balance our own feelings against the feelings of all others in the space! We need to consider that what's fine to us may not be fine to others, and we should anticipate the needs of those in our community. A healthy community takes care of the folks who are in most need, and right now this space needs to make room for those who have been repeatedly under attack and who are tired, afraid, and upset.
To be clear, I'm not pattern matching you to anyone. I apologize if I gave off that idea. I'm just trying to do my best to attend to the needs of the folks I'm most worried about right now and because I have the energy right now, that means speaking up on behalf of them.