Gaywallet's recent activity
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Comment on What's hard about being demisexual/demiromantic/asexual/aromantic? in ~talk
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Comment on What's hard about being demisexual/demiromantic/asexual/aromantic? in ~talk
Gaywallet Link ParentSo romance is inherently monoamorous to you? That is to say you cannot have romantic feelings for more than one person at a time? Assuming you are not in a relationship, how do you know when to...To me, romance implies exclusivity and sincerity.
So romance is inherently monoamorous to you? That is to say you cannot have romantic feelings for more than one person at a time? Assuming you are not in a relationship, how do you know when to feel romantic feelings? Does it just turn on and off based on whether you are in a relationship or not?
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Comment on What's hard about being demisexual/demiromantic/asexual/aromantic? in ~talk
Gaywallet LinkI'm not sure I experience romance in a very similar way to I'm not sure if I experience gender. In the last two years or so, I've made it a mission of mine to ask everyone I end up dating what...I'm not sure I experience romance in a very similar way to I'm not sure if I experience gender.
In the last two years or so, I've made it a mission of mine to ask everyone I end up dating what romance is. I've also asked a few of my close friends, and asked others online to define it. So far, about the only common thread (much like gender) is that there is some sort of specific 'feeling' to romance. I'm still unsure whether I do not experience this feeling, or whether I am capable of feeling this feeling for everyone.
You see, I don't like categorization and I don't really like labels. They fail to capture human diversity. What is the difference, for example, between having dinner with a best friend and with a partner? Have you ever had a partner for which having dinner with them felt like having dinner with a best friend? How do we classify this difference? Does having a partner and being monogamous stop you from having a dinner with a friend that borders romance? What makes it romantic? The topics that are discussed? The deep connection between the two individuals? The desire to have sex? Can you not have similarly deep discussions with people that is not romantic?
It's hard for me to tell whether I'm open to feeling any way about someone and because of such always open to the opportunity of romance and therefore do not experience it as something 'special' or whether I just don't feel anything special towards anyone and am completely blind to what romance is. At best I have a vague idea of romance from what society shows me romance is - candlelight dinners, rose petals, oil massages, curling up in my partners lap while they stroke my hair and we watch Netflix. But I also don't feel like I'm against doing any of these activities to anyone who's open to them and something that we both desire in the moment.
So I'm going to leave this comment here in the hopes that others can explain a matter I've felt lost on for a long time…
What is romance?
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Comment on The most divisive trend in water-closet architecture has reached Boston: the open-concept bathroom in ~design
Gaywallet LinkThe hygiene of this is questionable, although it might cause people to think twice about flushing without the lid down, for those who struggle with this concept.The hygiene of this is questionable, although it might cause people to think twice about flushing without the lid down, for those who struggle with this concept.
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Comment on Does anyone else struggle with existential thoughts? in ~talk
Gaywallet Link ParentRight, so how does this knowledge change what you do? If you know everything is real - how do you interact with the world from now on? If you know everything is fake - how do you interact with the...Right, so how does this knowledge change what you do? If you know everything is real - how do you interact with the world from now on? If you know everything is fake - how do you interact with the world from now on? How much or how little overlap you find between the two outcomes may shape the importance of how imminently you need to answer this question or whether this question is important at all.
I often find people are very adamant about finding out the answer to a question they have about patient care at my work, only to take no different action once they have the data because the answer to this question does not inform them of how to change their interaction. Asking them upfront about what they intend to do with this information is often more important than asking what they want to answer first. They will often find different, more important questions which are tangential to the original curiosity which can and do shape how they interact with patients. This is where true value lies.
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Comment on Does anyone else struggle with existential thoughts? in ~talk
Gaywallet Link ParentImagine for a second that you could wave a wand and gain omniscience into whether everything is real or fake. How would this shape how you interact with the world? You're still living in this...Imagine for a second that you could wave a wand and gain omniscience into whether everything is real or fake. How would this shape how you interact with the world? You're still living in this reality, whether it is fake or real - so how does this knowledge change the actions you are to take in the future?
I believe the solace you seek is through the examination of "okay I know this, now what" and not on focusing on the knowledge itself.
nowadays I freak out over the whole "self is an illusion" thing that's super prevalent in buddhist/drugs users/science circles, and it's by far the hardest to overcome.
This is a recognition of how our own consciousness affects our ability to perceive things. To someone who is blind, color may not exist for them and therefore the way they observe and perceive the world is, in essence, an illusion from which they cannot escape. The statement is not meant to discredit the idea of someone existing, but rather to help put into words the idea that we perceive the world through a particular lens and that lens cannot possibly include everything (omniscience).
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Comment on Reddit announces online presence indicators in ~tech
Gaywallet Link ParentI'm pretty sure Ellen was glass cliffed (she's actually on the Wikipedia page for glass cliff, interestingly enough). So that they could change course of the company without taking on as much...I'm pretty sure Ellen was glass cliffed (she's actually on the Wikipedia page for glass cliff, interestingly enough). So that they could change course of the company without taking on as much blame and to satisfy VC investors who didn't like the direction it was headed (not profitable enough).
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Comment on Why I teach Machiavelli through his letters in ~humanities
Gaywallet LinkThank you for this, it provides an interesting perspective on some historical figures I didn't previously have and is a good call to remember that we're all just human after all.Thank you for this, it provides an interesting perspective on some historical figures I didn't previously have and is a good call to remember that we're all just human after all.
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Comment on Reddit announces online presence indicators in ~tech
Gaywallet Link ParentI hear a lot of people talk about this kind of VC goosing, but are they really so blind as to not understand these metrics are nothing but fluff? I'd imagine being in the space that VC investors...I hear a lot of people talk about this kind of VC goosing, but are they really so blind as to not understand these metrics are nothing but fluff? I'd imagine being in the space that VC investors would learn that these metrics don't really indicate much of anything, but I guess I need more familiarity to really know.
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Comment on Reddit announces online presence indicators in ~tech
Gaywallet Link ParentIt's very strange to me why there's such a strong push to it being a chat platform. It's not designed to be one.It's very strange to me why there's such a strong push to it being a chat platform. It's not designed to be one.
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Comment on Tildes is pushing out the minority voice in ~talk
Gaywallet Link ParentApologies, as much as I consider myself a communicator, it's clear I've failed dearly here in my communication. It does not matter what my intent was at this point, it is clear that what I have...Apologies, as much as I consider myself a communicator, it's clear I've failed dearly here in my communication.
It does not matter what my intent was at this point, it is clear that what I have said has diminished your experience and treated you unjustly. I am sorry. You are absolutely someone who deserves to be listened to and who's experiences are both valid and important to society. Thank you for sharing your opinion and in doing so helping me to understand better how to communicate in the future.
I'm going to spend a minute trying to rephrase what I said here because I think there was a miscommunication, however if you feel this is unwelcome or not helpful, then feel free to skip it. I would greatly appreciate any input you can give me on how to be a better person in the future, however, as I do not wish to harm anyone in the way I have harmed you today.
My intention was not to diminish what you've been through or experienced. What I meant to say, is that even I cannot possibly comprehend what my minority friends go through unless they happen to share an identity with me. For example, I'm transgender so I have an understanding of shared transgender struggles. But I want to stop there because even for other transgender individuals, I truly can't understand what they're going through. No two people are the same, and as of such, no two people with a shared intersectional identity will be the same either. The kind of harassment I've suffered from is not the same harassment that other transgender individuals suffer.
A good example of this that ties with my privileged childhood is that I have never truly struggled to get a job. I see many of my friends and partners struggle with this in a way that I never have, and because of this I am in a way blind to what this looks and feels like. I can only understand it through how they explain it to me and when I'm lucky enough to be around people venting about this. As much as I can empathize with other transgender individuals, at best I can only sympathize on this particular issue as it has not been something I have truly suffered from.
But we can take this a step further even, and talk about shared experiences. I've been sexually harassed and assaulted on account of being a transgender individual. Most transgender people I know and sadly most female presenting (or assigned female at birth) people also have experienced this to some fashion. However, even within this space the frequency and intensty of experiences are going to differ. While I have been told by many people that I am conventionally attractive, I am also rather large and muscular, so I do not attract the attention of some predators the same way other smaller, lither transgender and female individuals do. Even when I do get assaulted, the same thoughts probably do not cross my mind as do those in more peril due to their size and stature.
I say all this simply to point out that it is impossible to truly know someone elses struggle without having lived in their shoes. To know how events trigger them to think and how they have found solace in the world by finding places to vent and people with similar and shared experiences.
It took me one year to get my husband to understand what’s been going with me here. One whole year of dismissals and brushing situations aside and acting like it’s all in my head.
I want to be absolutely clear here - what is happening to you is real. It's not in your head. I have witnessed and seen the exact thing you are going through. I'm obviously not living your experience so it's tough for me to truly understand what you are going through, but at no point did I dismiss the actual damage being done and the hurt and pain you're going through. I am sorry that it has been so tough. No one deserves this.
Either try so explain myself and my situation better so that you can understand this isn’t just “people hating on the system” but more hating on me because I represent the system to them.
I also want to quickly address this because you bring up a very good point. It's not always just people hating on the system. When we're talking about an aggregate of people, it's impossible to lump intentions together in a cohesive manner. Some people absolutely are lashing out at people because they 'represent the system to them'. Others will attack under the guise of attacking a system because they want some measure of control over their lives and this is one of the ways they can do it. Others simply want to see others in pain and have found this as their outlet. At no point in what I was saying did I mean to imply that you could not be experiencing people being directly mean to you. In fact, it's very possible that the entire group of individuals you are interacting with are spiteful and upset and trying to inflict pain on you because they simply want to.
I simply chose to navigate a middle ground of explanation on a population level to help describe strategies that minorities often use in order to cope with the inhumane behavior they experience firsthand on account of their identity. To be clear, this explanation wasn't directed specifically at you, either. We're on a public forum, in a thread about minorities, and I'm doing my best to help explain what I have experienced as a minority and what I've learned from other minorities - but I'm also just another imperfect human. I clearly did a poor job explaining myself, which is why I am here apologizing.
If you took the time to read this, I want to thank you for putting up with my bullshit. I can, at times, be unaware of how badly the internet and the world has brainwashed me into thinking and acting in a specific way and I hope this serves as proof that I'm not trying to diminish you as a person, write off what you've experienced, or inflict harm on you in any way. Your voice around here is important to me and I appreciate that you were willing to honestly express it in frustration at my faults.
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Comment on Queer Tildes Community Discord Server in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentOf course allies are both accepted and welcomed!Of course allies are both accepted and welcomed!
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Comment on Tildes is pushing out the minority voice in ~talk
Gaywallet Link ParentAbsolutely, just sharing my own experiences as you are. I hope your mental health improves. Best of luck kind stranger. 💜Absolutely, just sharing my own experiences as you are. I hope your mental health improves. Best of luck kind stranger. 💜
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Comment on Tildes is pushing out the minority voice in ~talk
Gaywallet Link ParentI'm sorry that you've been treated this way. It sucks to enter a room and be judged by your appearance. It's frustrating when you wish to integrate, but individuals do not want you to be a part of...I'm sorry that you've been treated this way. It sucks to enter a room and be judged by your appearance. It's frustrating when you wish to integrate, but individuals do not want you to be a part of their society. It hurts when people assume you have a malicious agenda, even more so when it's the opposite case.
Emotions can make communication very difficult. Conversations always have an emotional purpose, and the emotional purpose can exist without it being expressly communicated or addressed. When I come to a friend and start a conversation with 'let me tell you about my day' or 'can you believe that...' or 'do you have a minute to chat' these all are indicators as to where I'm likely going with the conversation but unless I specifically say "I need vent right now" or "the most amazing thing happened" or introduce emotions into my language these things can fly under the radar. This can become problematic when two individuals are not on the same emotional wavelength or when two individuals come from societies which typically deal with specific emotions in specific ways.
This only gets all the more confusing in a globalized world. We're often allowed into conversations we would never have had the chance to listen to or participate in. The podcast you reference, for example, is the kind of conversation that minorities often have amongst themselves and as an outsider you would never have been exposed to this unless you were lucky enough to be considered a strong enough ally. This is incredibly difficult to navigate, especially when you haven't lived amongst these individuals and you don't know the struggles they go through on a day to day basis. You haven't seen how some of society treats them negatively, or if you have you've only been exposed to it a small percentage of the time that they have - you see, you walk in your own shoes every day and you're only exposed to the lives of others when you're around to experience it and your very presence may shape the responses of others around. Two minorities out to dinner together are likely to experience a different kind of interaction than either of those same minority individuals when they are out to dinner with someone who is not a minority.
As a society, I don't think we're at the point where we know how to have these discussions in a civil manner that isn't othering. For many of the people you are interacting with, when they say "I hate when white people do x" are often venting their frustrations at the system and not all white people. Obviously minorities have friends who are not minorities and allies are a prime example of someone who breaks the very mold they are complaining about when they say negative things about the group. But minorities are also oppressed by the system and often do not have the health or mindset to jump through the hoops to make sure everyone understands their statement does not apply to the present company or isn't absolutely universal. I've talked about cis people in derogatory ways in trans circles but I also have cis partners and many friends who I would do anything for. My best friend is black and when I run in his circles we often complain about dumb shit white people do but I don't find it offensive because I know it's not directed at me but rather the systemic issues (and I also take offense at some of this behavior).
However, I used to be offended by this kind of stuff. There was a day and age where I used to be the person who spoke up about how hearing derogatory statements about white people and men and other majority groups I belong to because I didn't understand the emotional subtext of this communication (as an aside, there's a bit of a queer battle right now to stop hating on bisexuals who are not primarily attracted to women as this is often a mindset dominant on the internet in queer circles and is othering in a way we feel we can do better on). This kind of communication is a style of venting, and is meant more to help deal with the emotions we experience as humans than anything else. In the same way many people say things they don't mean when they're angry or upset, these people are very often angry or upset at society for treating them so negatively.
With that being said, it's really hard to be othered. I empathize with you as I have been in situations in which I am specifically othered and it absolutely takes a toll on mental health. Sometimes it's easy to look past, but other times it's exceptionally difficult. I can imagine it's even harder feeling like you're alone in your experience and that when you seek help you are presented with people 'punching you in the gut'. If you ever want an ear to vent to, I'm around
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Comment on Tildes is pushing out the minority voice in ~talk
Gaywallet Link Parentlol it got deleted and didn't garner a whole lot of discussionlol it got deleted and didn't garner a whole lot of discussion
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Queer Tildes Community Discord Server
Hello loves! A wonderful individual reached out to me recently and proposed the idea of creating more of a community within Tildes, rather than being a smaller part of the Tildes community as a...
Hello loves!
A wonderful individual reached out to me recently and proposed the idea of creating more of a community within Tildes, rather than being a smaller part of the Tildes community as a whole. As it is right now, Tildes feels like a single place with a single voice that's the average of its members, and we'd like to change that. We've started a discord server for queer individuals on Tildes. This server is meant to define itself as its own thing. ~lgbt is a place to organize posts on a topic, not a community, so we'd like to fill that hole.
Here's the invite link: https://discord.gg/FmhWYVAhFs
One particular aspect of forming a community I think is important, perhaps even more so for a minority identity, is that Tildes can be frustrating and alienating at times, even when it doesn't intend to be. This space is meant to be somewhere you can go to vent when you run into any of the many trials and tribulations you may run across on this wonderful website. You know, the times where you want to bang your head against a wall because you're just not getting through to someone else or when you open a thread, read a few replies, shake your head and close it - disappointed in the tone or direction it has taken. After all, sometimes we don't want to be direct or confrontational to people who say hurtful things when often they're just mislead, uneducated, or misinformed.
Anyhow, I hope to see many of you wonderful folks in there and I'm looking forward to knowing you all a little bit better! 💜
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Comment on Queer time: The alternative to “adulting” in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentThe insidious part of many queer phobias is that it hides behind the guise of civility or gets presented through other means. A good example of this that might resonate with you a bit more is how...The insidious part of many queer phobias is that it hides behind the guise of civility or gets presented through other means.
A good example of this that might resonate with you a bit more is how some people treat women in a sexist way by infantilizing them. Using terms of endearment like baby, which are generally not used on men, is a way to treat women differently. Regional terms like 'sweet summer child' are applied to women more often than men. In many cases this behavior is internalized or learned/acquired from how other people in society act and in many cases these individuals are entirely unaware that they are treating classes of people differently.
Even a surface level examination of these behaviors shows its treating a class of people differently. Does this treatment result in prejudice? That's a bit more difficult to determine, but it's not hard to see how being treated differently by society inherently others you in a way that makes it clear you are not the same and this can be very alienating.
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Comment on Fry’s Electronics is shutting its doors for good in ~tech
Gaywallet LinkEntirely unsurprising. They've been headed this way since newegg popped up in the early 00s. I remember going into one once in the last several years, to buy a mouse, because they happened to have...Entirely unsurprising. They've been headed this way since newegg popped up in the early 00s. I remember going into one once in the last several years, to buy a mouse, because they happened to have stock and I needed a mouse that day and couldn't find the mouse that I wanted anywhere else. I was prepared to pay for the extra markup (roughly $10 more than amazon) because I knew they were sticklers about price matching (I remember when they used to require you to bring in the printed ad, and it had to be printed, in order to get a price match) and I also knew that they had wild variation when it came to marking up products. While there I decided to ask them if they had a price matching policy and then asked if it was okay to price match amazon or best buy and to my surprise they did.
I did, however, notice that just like old times, some things were wildly marked up. Some of the 'gaming' branded stuff like headsets and mice were marked up at prices close to $100 when they were $30 online. This kind of deceptive marketing is not lost on consumers, and it's part of the reason I stopped going to their stores. Combine that with archaic price matching policies and you have a recipe for losing your customers. After all, if you're selling tech, you should imagine the people buying tech know a little bit about tech and can easily find out online whether you're the best price or not.
I am honestly surprised they lasted as long as they did. As soon as I heard circuit city was shutting down ages ago, my first thought was 'wonder when Fry's will be next', and it's entirely because they were too slow to adapt to a changing world.
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Comment on Queer time: The alternative to “adulting” in ~lgbt
Gaywallet Link ParentIf I had to theorize, it's because many queer people dress in ways which people associate with young adulthood and often do so to much later in their lives. They don't feel pushed into formal wear...Genuine question: where is the “latent homophobia” in misjudging someone’s age?
If I had to theorize, it's because many queer people dress in ways which people associate with young adulthood and often do so to much later in their lives. They don't feel pushed into formal wear in the same way and often dress in non-conventional formal wear. Some, especially those who wear bright colors and simple patterns, are even adopting dress that is typically associated with young children.
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Comment on How do I get better at expressing vulnerability? in ~talk
Gaywallet LinkRecognition is the first step. Now that you know what you want to work on, the key is to set a plan that lets you work on it. Perhaps you could start by writing down the things you'd like to be...Its like I keep my little shield up the whole time and don't allow myself to be vulnerable.
Recognition is the first step. Now that you know what you want to work on, the key is to set a plan that lets you work on it. Perhaps you could start by writing down the things you'd like to be vulnerable about, and rank them along an axis of least to most vulnerable - that way you can start with the easy things and work your way up to the more difficult issues.
it is much more pleasant to just talk about enjoyable things, and though I see these people on a regular basis, it is not ever for very much time, so I don't want to waste it.
Do you not find it enjoyable in the long term to get to know your friends and family and participate in the parts of their lives that are hard? Nothing feels more satisfying to me than helping someone else out emotionally or offering advice which benefits them. As you mentioned I think set and setting are important here and you shouldn't dump all your problems as soon as you sit down with someone, but I would imagine you can have some of these conversations and still have it be enjoyable. Perhaps you are putting too much weight on whether this is a burden and not offering your friends and family a chance to weigh in on whether they feel like it is a burden to them.
Perhaps having a meta-discussion around what you'd like to discuss with them and whether they are comfortable with that level of engagement is a good first step? Like let them know that you're feeling bad about x or struggling with y and curious whether it would be okay to have that discussion with them. This would allow them to weigh in without directly addressing the concern right away.
sooo the leadership thing is unfortunate because it means that kind ofa lot of people look up to me as a beacon of stability and idealness.
I do not expect humans to be perfectly infallible. In fact, if someone puts off a demeanor of always okay, I assume there's a lot more lurking behind the scenes and they are, in fact, not okay at all.
I don't know about you, but when someone I look up to reveals to me what they struggle with, it only makes me respect them even more. Perhaps it's because I'm given a glimpse into what makes them human - what keeps them sleepless at night, what struggles they go through with their family and friends, what happened in their past that has shaped the way they view the world, etc. Perhaps its because a nearly flawless individual makes me appreciate their inconsistencies even more because of the contrast. Maybe it's because I get to see how they've tackled and overcome their obstacles, and it gives me drive and determination to tackle my own. I can't say for certain what is behind it (probably all of the above) but the idea that you need to be perfect for them to be a bastion of stability is a misplaced idea. I would argue you would do more good for them by exposing your vulnerabilities.
because doing so would signify "everything isNOT good"
People aren't stupid. Look at the world in 2020 and 2021. Everything is NOT good and pretending it is, is a lie. With that said, many things are better than they used to be and it's absolutely possible to acknowledge both realities. We learn from what we do right and we identify opportunities from that which we could do better.
I'm more curious about your rituals, or forms of understanding that are personal to your struggles in regard to being vulnerable with friends, your SO, and people who look up to you.
I do a lot of socializing. I talk with people to find out where they are and what they want our relationship to be. Because of this, I have a good idea of who I can talk about what with, and a good idea of what their strengths and weaknesses are. So when I have a problem in a specific area, I know precisely who I can reach out to and how I should reach out to them.
I don't know if you've ever read the book how to win friends and influence people but there's a section on vulnerability. When utilized effectively it builds emotional bonds with people, and as humans, we are emotional. The idea that vulnerability is a bad thing, or that you need to be a rock for others by never showing any vulnerability is toxic and incorrect - it is one of the fastest ways to build relationships and being vulnerable is being human.
As someone who has a storied past which involved shutting pretty much everyone out of my life and not being vulnerable to anyone, I feel like I may understand a lot of what you're getting at and why you're finding it tough to be vulnerable. If there's one piece of advice I can give you, its to start thinking about vulnerability in a different way altogether. Being vulnerable to those who you trust is a conscious act which displays your trust. Not only are you showing that you trust them, but you are showing that you value their opinion more than others - you are trusting them with that which you would not trust a stranger. These are powerful tools and should be celebrated as such.
Some of the apps, okcupid in particular, have really leaned into being queer friendly. You can put in your profile that you are ace, demi, etc.- really any label you can think of. Because of this there's a lot of queer folks on the app. While I can't promise it will be much different, I've personally found dating through okcupid to be much, much easier than other apps. There's less to sift through because people get to see what you are and make decisions on deal breakers and desirables before they even swipe.
I would highly encourage you to take a look. You might find it a much more accepting and open dating scene.