Gaywallet's recent activity

  1. Comment on Reddit is going to enforce rate-limiting the API's free tier as well as charging for higher rates in ~tech

    Gaywallet
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    What a wild 24 hours. Our little collective has also been getting swamped with new users. We're nearing 1000 new members already

    What a wild 24 hours. Our little collective has also been getting swamped with new users. We're nearing 1000 new members already 🫠

    9 votes

  4. Comment on Suggestion: Add "self post" tag to all posts that are self posts in ~tildes

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    The rather flexible ask tag seemed to mostly cover it, but not everything gets tagged with ask nor is it appropriate as it's not always an ask

    The rather flexible ask tag seemed to mostly cover it, but not everything gets tagged with ask nor is it appropriate as it's not always an ask

    5 votes

  5. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    You'll get an ability later which will decrease the time it takes to build a vehicle. A lot of the game is solvable without building at all. Building as the only solution really only happens in...

    You'll get an ability later which will decrease the time it takes to build a vehicle.

    A lot of the game is solvable without building at all. Building as the only solution really only happens in the sky and in shrines.

    1 vote

  7. Comment on What do you not ask the internet about? in ~talk

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    To be fair to Reddit, it often operates in extremes. It's rarely someone posting about something entirely mundane that makes it to the front page. It's the abusive husband, on the other hand, that...

    To be fair to Reddit, it often operates in extremes. It's rarely someone posting about something entirely mundane that makes it to the front page. It's the abusive husband, on the other hand, that receives a lot of attention. Most of the time "dump them" is correct.

    With that being said I've always been pretty resistant to anyone's advice on relationships because my entire life I've seen how the lens through which they participate in relationships and the kinds of healthy relationships they've seen tend to heavily frame their responses. They almost always respond with how they'd react in the situation as best as they can see it or as best as you've explained it. This is almost never useful. Especially if they've only ever dated people of one gender, people who act only in certain ways (trope-y example: replacement of parental figures), etc. The older a person is and the more relationships they've had the more likely I am to give them a bit of credence but I've always still been rather cautious when approaching the advice of others for these reasons.

    People who are trained (relationship counselors, therapists) are a different story because they have a lens and a tool kit for examining how healthy relationships typically look, but even these folks have gaps in their knowledge. For example, I'm poly, and many of these counselors if they are not also poly don't have the right mindset or tools to accommodate some of the issues that could arise, such as jealousy through the lens of explicit non-monogamy. This is true of any non-traditional aspects to a relationship, and as a rather queer individual who's neurodivergent, this is often the space in which many of my relationships exist.

    3 votes

  8. Comment on What scares you the most? What fears and apprehensions are central to your identity and how you view the world? in ~talk

    Gaywallet
    Link
    I deeply fear the direction this country is currently headed. I spend a lot of time in communities which are marginalized and things are actively getting much more hostile in recent times. The...

    I deeply fear the direction this country is currently headed. I spend a lot of time in communities which are marginalized and things are actively getting much more hostile in recent times. The polarization of this country, the ease to which people are othering fellow humans is scary to see. Violence is becoming normalized again because we don't see each other as humans. I'm lucky enough to live somewhere unlikely to be severely affected but I'm not sheltered from the effects it has on these communities and the horrible stories I hear that happen to the people I love and the ones they care for.

    5 votes

  9. Comment on Pokemon Pride Team: A commissioned artwork in ~creative

    Gaywallet
    Link
    I've sometimes thought that the dude you're married to must feel like a lucky guy to have landed someone so smart, compassionate and well composed as you but this one really takes the cake...

    I've sometimes thought that the dude you're married to must feel like a lucky guy to have landed someone so smart, compassionate and well composed as you but this one really takes the cake (cupcake? muffin?), you're an excellent gift giver too! This was wonderful to read about. Such a heartwarming reaction. Thank you for sharing so much with the community, I really appreciate your presence around here 💜

    4 votes

  10. Comment on What's your not-D&D RPG, and why? in ~games.tabletop

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    Oh that's neat. I hope you enjoy the system as much as I did!

    Oh that's neat. I hope you enjoy the system as much as I did!

    2 votes

  11. Comment on What's your not-D&D RPG, and why? in ~games.tabletop

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    I participated in a numenera campaign that was about a sea world and ancient civilization. I really enjoyed the system. The type description focus reminded me a lot of fate but with a bit more...

    I participated in a numenera campaign that was about a sea world and ancient civilization. I really enjoyed the system. The type description focus reminded me a lot of fate but with a bit more involved and complex systems. I played a character that changed a lot over the course of the campaign and it felt like the system was able to accommodate it well. The check system was particularly nice and well crafted.

    1 vote

  12. Comment on What's your not-D&D RPG, and why? in ~games.tabletop

    Gaywallet
    (edited )
    Link Parent
    TQY is a great way to establish a world in a collaborative way prior to running a campaign in any system. We used this to jumpstart a future punk game I ran and it was a great way to create a...

    TQY is a great way to establish a world in a collaborative way prior to running a campaign in any system. We used this to jumpstart a future punk game I ran and it was a great way to create a bunch of threads for the party to pull on and generate ideas for storylines. I think it was particularly useful for getting people to engage and collaboratively craft a story in a unique way.

    4 votes

  13. Comment on How do you rekindle a relationship that's gone cold? in ~talk

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    Thank you for this post and the context. Your thread is fascinating to me, because I think it brings to light an evaluation which can be deeply toxic - comparing yourself to others (including your...

    Thank you for this post and the context. Your thread is fascinating to me, because I think it brings to light an evaluation which can be deeply toxic - comparing yourself to others (including your past self!). The idea that there even is a "correct" way to feel love, is just as absurd as the idea that there is a correct way to do any emotion. Emotions are personal. You feel what you feel. There should be no value judgements on the feeling, in the same way that someone shouldn't make a value judgement around being cold when its cold out.

    Feeling cold is just an indicator that we should change a thing - put on warmer clothes, go inside, or otherwise seek warmth. Feelings and emotions are the same, it's your brain and body giving you feedback on what's happening. While positive feelings can be a sign things are going right, if we always felt positive our emotions wouldn't be particularly useful - the absence of this feeling, much like the absence of any other feeling, doesn't necessarily indicate anything. In fact, if we think back to the feeling of being cold, I'm sure there are situations in which this feeling was ignored until it could no longer be ignored - feelings can suppress other feelings and thoughts or focus can suppress feelings and emotions as well. In this case, it sounds like, the focus stemming from OCD and hyper-analyzing may be distracting you from the ability to check in with your own body and feelings.

    3 votes

  14. Comment on How do you rekindle a relationship that's gone cold? in ~talk

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    Then I would say encourage him to have an honest discussion with his partner about the state of the relationship.

    Then I would say encourage him to have an honest discussion with his partner about the state of the relationship.

    2 votes

  15. Comment on How do you rekindle a relationship that's gone cold? in ~talk

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    The single most important piece of advice you can give is to tell him that he should seek relationship counseling with his partner. I've been in relationship counseling before and the very first...

    The single most important piece of advice you can give is to tell him that he should seek relationship counseling with his partner. I've been in relationship counseling before and the very first thing the counselor told me was that most people come to relationship counseling when things can no longer be salvaged. Being proactive about it and going after counseling when things are going well or even good is much more effective at improving a relationship.

    3 votes

  16. Comment on How do you rekindle a relationship that's gone cold? in ~talk

    Gaywallet
    Link
    Generally speaking relationships in which both parties are engaged do not go cold. Someone is disengaged on some level. There is resentment they aren't sharing, needs they aren't advocating for,...

    Generally speaking relationships in which both parties are engaged do not go cold. Someone is disengaged on some level. There is resentment they aren't sharing, needs they aren't advocating for, boundaries that are diffuse but need to be renegotiated, or other issues which the two individuals are not broaching with each other. It's easy to fall into the trap of doing what feels best, to maximize happiness by ignoring problems and focusing on the positives. This isn't necessarily an incorrect strategy, in fact optimizing for happiness is the optimal relationship strategy, however, it can only be successful if you do not ignore the problems. You must come to an agreement with your partner about appropriate boundaries or come to a joint solution in order for a problem to be resolved.

    To be fair, after a certain amount of time, many relationships can feel a bit 'stale', especially if you are monogamous and you're craving new relationship energy (NRE). NRE is a phenomenon that can only exist when you don't truly know another person. Limerance is a fun word which captures some of what NRE is. It's a state in which you're capable of fantasizing future states, or if you aren't prone to fantasizing can at least bask in the interest you have towards discovering new things about a new person. NRE is not specific to sexual or romantic relationships, and can happen with any person. Have you ever met someone at an event which you were excited to learn more about? That's NRE.

    I think most people feel differently about sexual and romantic relationships, however, and thus limerance is meant as a word to capture that feeling when sex or romance is on the table and to distinguish the feelings it brings which are unique to rarer kinds of relationships- those with higher levels of intimacy. NRE for these more intimate relationships can breed a much stronger physical and emotional feeling than NRE for less intimate relationships. As a general statement, many monogamous relationships end up with people minimizing or reducing the number of friendships, acquaintances, associates, colleagues, neighbors, and other less intimate relationships. What comes along with this culling of less intimate relationships is a loss of NRE in various forms. In monogamous relationships people often find themselves pining for this lost feeling and mourning it's loss. For some, spending more time cultivating these other relationships can help quell the desire for NRE. For others, 'opening' a relationship to allow for romantic or sexual partners can help to resolve these issues.

    I say all this simply because these are regular issues often associated with 'a relationship that's gone cold'. I don't know that this necessarily applies to the relationships you're talking about because you simply did not provide enough information. As with others in this thread, I agree that more information is needed and that there is no one sized fits all approach here.

    9 votes

  17. Comment on The curious side effects of medical transparency in ~health

    Gaywallet
    (edited )
    Link
    As someone who works in medicine, I'm really torn on this article. The author makes a lot of really good points but unfortunately this is clouded by their own strong opinion. The central thesis of...
    • Exemplary

    As someone who works in medicine, I'm really torn on this article. The author makes a lot of really good points but unfortunately this is clouded by their own strong opinion. The central thesis of the article is definitely one that I resonate with and a narrative that have heard often repeated in medicine - more information is not always more helpful, especially when individuals do not understand how to parse said information. The anecdotal experiences of individuals struggling to quell their anxiety or seek answers by reaching out to their medical professionals before said professionals even had a chance to review the information that the patient is looking at is definitely a narrative worth unpacking. I've seen a variety of methods to address this issue, one of which is to simply not release lab results until the doctor has reviewed them. Most institutions seem to have settled on this as a good compromise between speed and expert opinion. This gives the clinician the ability to contribute their own narrative or opinion on the results before the patient even sees it. The clinician is able to head off concerns or give context for abnormal values or findings that may not be of concern when combined with other objective measurements or ruled out diagnoses.

    What's missing from this narrative, unfortunately, is what this clinician is never exposed to. There is no insight into the number of individuals who are anxious until they are able to see their results - the individuals whose anxiety is based in the uncertainty. This also leaves out individuals who are able to interpret their own results or who have some kind of training or education to understand the lab values or notes that are presented to them. There is an unfortunate selection bias present here that the clinician is only exposed to the individuals who are the most anxious. There's also no way to know that these patients wouldn't already be calling even without the lab results and leaving messages for their provider having gone to textbooks, the internet, or friends and discussed their problem.

    I find it curious that the author spends so much time talking about the potential negatives of transparency that they don't spend a whole lot of time talking about the positives. There's no mention of the effect of transparency on accountability and how transparent institutions are not only more accountable to the people that they serve, but they often end up with better ethics. The author talks about informative and uninformative versions of transparency and posits said there must be a specific level of transparency in order to breed the best results. This does not play out in literature and quite the way that the author believes. Studies around transparency and information or informative versus uninformative transparency show that informatively transparent institutions are much more effective than uninformative ones. Uninformative transparency is associated with failed organizations, often found in corrupt organizations and governments. The author also posits that they need to be censoring themselves when presenting information to patients. With no feedback from these patients themselves, it is purely the authors untested hypothesis yet they fail to examine this. They believe they must self censor and provide uninformatively transparent information as a response to some of the negative feedback they've received without objectively examining whether this is an effective solution - they are understandably trying to protect themselves and their time and to ensure that anxious patients are treated compassionately, but they fail to ask these patients what would help them best.

    Perhaps ironically, the article ends with an anecdote where they center the patients experience and needs. The anecdote seemingly is supposed to support the idea that patients don't need more information to be treated compassionately. This is the first time that the author asks the other party involved what they want and need. The reason it's so effective is that the patient is allowed a voice in the level of transparency that's most helpful to them. Healthcare is an exceedingly collaborative environment - an environment which often involves a care team of nurses, doctors, front line staff, administrators, technicians, specialists and more. What many healthcare professionals often lose sight of is that healthcare is collaborative with the patient as well. Understanding what the patient wants and needs is essential to providing them quality care. A patient at the end of their life is often given this grace, but historically this has not always been true. Concepts such as a do not resuscitate order (DNR) which specific when a person wants to be allowed to pass away, the quality of life associated with various potential treatments and outcomes (quality adjusted life years or QALYs), informed consent, and other patient centric discussions of potential care are all fairly new concepts and took a lot of advocacy before they caught on. In fact, many of these patient centric approaches are still regularly debated and are not standard regimen in many specialties of medicine. This patient centric approach, however, results in significantly happier patients and physicians and unsurprisingly objectively better outcomes. The answer is not to censor oneself out of concern for the patient, but rather to have a discussion with each patient about the level of communication they desire. The clinician is there to help the patient navigate the system, collaboratively, and not allowing the patient to participate in these discussions is paternalistic and damaging to the systems credibility. Self censorship is not the answer. Transparency is not problematic when everyone is given a seat at the table. Unfortunately the author seems to be unaware that they are depriving the patient of their voice and are presenting solutions from their one-sided perspective.

    9 votes

  18. Comment on Is Gmail killing independent email? in ~comp

    Gaywallet
    Link Parent
    You're not wrong, but I also have a gmail and it still gets plenty of spam. Significantly less than a third party provider or self host solution, I'm sure, but still stuff gets through. I pay for...

    You sign up with a major email provider and your email just works.

    You're not wrong, but I also have a gmail and it still gets plenty of spam. Significantly less than a third party provider or self host solution, I'm sure, but still stuff gets through. I pay for cell phone service with a major provider and I still get spam/phishing calls and texts too.

    1 vote

  20. Comment on Is Gmail killing independent email? in ~comp

    Gaywallet
    Link
    Spam, in general, is ruining many services. Phone, email, text, etc. Honestly I'm not sure how to resolve it or if it realistically can be resolved in capitalistic societies. Perhaps AI/ML will...

    Spam, in general, is ruining many services. Phone, email, text, etc. Honestly I'm not sure how to resolve it or if it realistically can be resolved in capitalistic societies. Perhaps AI/ML will help fight these issues, or maybe it'll make it worse. I don't know but I sure do waste a lot of time, energy, and resources on fighting spam in my daily life and I'm not even a provider or trying to do something not mainstream 😩

    7 votes