Post breakup ramblings
It is past 5 AM as I write this and I am unable to sleep.
She initially brought it up last weekend, right after a date night with fancy dinner and concert. I reacted very, very badly. I got no sleep that night and the next morning we continued the discussion which ended with, let’s try to make this work and check in on our feelings in a week.
We couldn’t really talk throughout the week because her long time friends were getting married this weekend and she was one of the groomsmen. One of the issues she had with our relationship was my codependency on her - not the first time this quality has been observed by her. Part of what I had hoped sparked another chance was talking about all the things I have actively been doing to break free of that. And that aside, it seemed correct to allow her to participate in the wedding plans without worrying about personal life drama.
Check in finally comes Sunday night and I hear what I had feared to hear. I am much better with my reaction this time. I still don’t understand the final (to her) reason why she thinks this won’t work out. For context this is her first romantic relationship. This is not my first but my previous ones were… I’ll just say that I just said yes to suitors even though I didn’t have strong feelings for them. For both of us we were unsure of a lot of things - sexuality, romance, all that, and it was something we’d both find out together. When she came to the conclusion that she is somewhere on the aroace side of the spectrum, I was okay with that. (I think a year ago I posted on Tildes talking about my experience as someone on the ace spectrum.) Her final conclusion is that she feels I could do better with a partner that accepts me for who I already am and can also show it better. I can’t convince her that wanting me to be more confident in myself isn’t changing me, that I don’t need all these things people expect in most relationships. I’m still a little upset that she mentioned the friends’ wedding vows and how she felt she could never give that to me. I don’t see why she thinks my happiness will be greater, because I am telling her that I would be content to just do things with her that current society typically only associates with couples - buying a house, chores, cooking for two. (I know roommates exist and they participate in such things sans maybe purchasing property. but I guess I want the long term feeling of safety over uncertainty.)
Pause: I believe that she doesn’t need a reason at all to end things. I can be upset and bargain but at the end of the day if she feels we will both be happier this way, that’s that. The door is open regardless.
Recognizing that, I still just feel… empty. I moved across the state to move into a new apartment with her. My only friends/aquaintances here are through her. My friend groups are all online, though I did reconnect with some high school friends after over a decade of not keeping touch. But I’m not close enough to most of those online friends to even talk about this to, hence typing it out into the internet void.
I also resent this claim that someone else can make me happier. I’m not saying there aren’t other fish in the sea, but I had never been in the market for fish. This was someone I met online 5+ years ago who I vibed really well with, who I asked out because I didn’t want this to end. It typically ends when they find a romantic partner or another person to talk to who currently shares the same fixation as them at a point in time. I’m not going to go out of my way to find someone who can fit that very particular mold. I already have plenty anxiety as it is because my mold feels alienated enough from society’s expectations of what a long term committed relationship should look like.
I don’t know why I can’t just sleep. I’m fortunate that living situation is not an issue. This is such a first world problem. It is almost 7 AM now and I’ll be getting up to feed the cats and tell her on her way out to pilates that I’d like for us to continue discussing when she’s back, which I hope she is open to.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts - I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I think breakups are especially tough when you are the one being dumped, and when you don't really have any forewarning that it's coming - you don't know what to expect, whereas your partner probably has thought through this many times over the past weeks and months, and so what is fresh for you may be the end of a long and winding inner conversation for her, and so you are in different places on the processing journey.
I get the impression that your partner has wanted to break up for awhile, especially if she realized during your relationship that she's on the aroace spectrum. I have heard from people who discover new dimensions of their sexual and romantic identities that their perspective on people and themselves changes completely, and sometimes they need time and space to work through those new feelings. I think it's possible that your partner tried to forge ahead with your relationship and do right by you, but it didn't feel right, or she felt like she was doing things to make you happy that weren't working for her, or she just generally felt guilt or anxiety on your behalf because she's on the aroace spectrum and you're not. It may have been something you did, but very likely it just may have been that the two of you don't work for her now, even if you did before. And that can really hurt to hear, but sometimes two people grow apart. There isn't anything you can do, and there isn't a thing you can change or say that will make them change their mind - they're just done.
A week, in my opinion, isn't enough time to make a meaningful permanent change to a relationship, so I would guess that she was giving you a week to process the information (which isn't a lot of time), not a week to make a final opportunity to save the relationship. While I see from your perspective that you are willing to make things work and that you're ok with changing things to make her happy, it seems like the feelings she has while in this relationship - and in particular feeling like she's taking something away from you, or preventing you from being happy - are too much. At the end of the day, she is the one that has to be able to carry those feelings, or find a way to deal with them, and it seems like she's unwilling or unable to do it. If this is her first relationship, it makes sense to me that she might want to explore relationships with other people who know she's on the aroace spectrum from the start, and see what that feels like. If that's the case, she just wants that time and space and freedom to explore that, and there isn't really anything you can do. And it really sucks to hear.
Please continue to use this space to help process your feelings and share your thoughts - feeling socially isolated and also going through a major upheaval in a relationship are really hard, and the people here are really kind. Things are hard right now, but I hope things get easier with time, and you find comfort and solace in the days and weeks ahead. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I was a lot more upset about the aroace bit earlier than I am now as I type this. All of what you say - whether she needs the time and space, whether she felt guilt or anxiety, etc... I know these are all true things, they are regular things that happen to folks figuring out their relationships... and I was upset because the possibility of both of us being on that spectrum were something we talked about. And a difficult conversation that we already have had was me misunderstanding how she felt. I already posted a few times in the past on Tildes about asexuality and I have a lot of mental baggage regarding incompatibilities and expectations. So when I discovered I was closer to the demi side of things than being sex-repulsed as I had thought from previous experiences, and when she also said she really enjoyed the physical acts... I guess I held onto those too tightly. Or she didn't realize herself how she'd feel about it after months of living together. The upset comes from me thinking... we had that conversation already, we adjusted, and I don't want anyone to think that I'm being deprived of something just because I enjoyed it.
I typed all that out just to get it off my chest but really, I do understand that there's nothing to be said when it comes to how she feels she needs to navigate those things.
I already feel a bit more stable after reading everyone's comments so far, so really, thank you
I'm glad you were able to get things out of your head and into the world! Yeah, I think especially when going into a first relationship, it's just really hard to read oneself, and to understand what's happening, and to understand where one's own boundaries are. I know in the past when I felt like there was a difference in age or experience, I felt weird about it and like I had to "make up" for my lack of knowledge or experience with more effort and openness, and that can be hard to carry after awhile, even if the other person was being aupportive. And I think too sometimes, even when you go through a learning phase or a conflict and come to a good solution, sometimes the pain and hurt experienced through that conflict can linger and be difficult to move on from. Which is made worse in a first relationship, because you don't have any other references, and you don't know if you're reacting appropriately or if the situation is justified, and it can be hard to navigate how you feel and whether your feelings are valid at all.
I hope that you feel like your feelings are valid, too - I imagine it must be difficult if you've been navigating your own journey on your identity and preferences, and to ultimately have to go through a tough breakup. I hope you don't take it as a rejection of you or of your journey more broadly - I hope you've been able to learn more about yourself, and that next time you'll be able to use this experience to better describe who you are and what you need, and that you'll find someone able to support you. I hope you continue to work through your own feelings about yourself, and give yourself love and appreciation! You deserve it.
First off, like others, I want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. Breakups are never easy. It's good you shot this off at the void, but you should share this with people you love and care about (your online friends, your family, or anyone you have a strong bond with). You deserve the kind of support that someone who truly knows you can offer.
There's two things you shared that I want to touch on, however, as they're two narratives I've dealt with and struggled with.
I have more than a dozen people break up with me over this sentiment. These breakups usually fall into two buckets: the first bucket is folks who say this who have an idea of what a relationship is or should be. Often times its a reflection of being busy or otherwise occupied in their life and a recognition that they can't meet their own expectations of time, energy, effort, etc. that they feel constitutes a relationship. The second bucket is folks who say this who I believe are struggling to understand what my needs and desires are - this one is a bit more expansive and fuzzy in definition. For one girl who was mostly monogamous oriented, it was a recognition of the fact that I am poly and an assumption that being monogamish with her would be limiting or restricting to me. There was also a guy who made some assumptions about my desires around romance based on my aromantic identity, projecting his own values onto an identity he didn't understand. For another, they struggled too much with an inability to read my emotions and instead of asking questions they simply made assumptions about my mood and how I felt about them.
Ultimately nearly all of these examples and people involve some level of projection. None of these folks did enough of the hard work to de-internalize values they had around relationships and expectations. They all projected their own values, thoughts, or emotions onto me. The thing is, neither of us has control over that. They are experiencing the relationship in a different way than is objectively true, or that I experience it, but none of that invalidates their experience... and as hard as it is, the only path forward is to accept it's a fundamental incompatibility. It's particularly frustrating because I can see how the person can improve themselves, the traps they are falling into and the things they are overlooking, but to insist we should have a relationship while they work on those things would be controlling and it's not up to me whether they even want to change how they view these issues.
The only path that helped me move forward was to accept that they experienced the relationship in a fundamentally different way than I did, and that's fine. In fact, that's completely normal! We are two different human beings with different brains and upbringings and perspectives. Just because I can see something they cannot, does not mean their experience is invalid, and I need to be willing to let it go in order to move on and to allow them to pursue their own happiness. It's bittersweet, at best, but ultimately heartbreaking.
I have had countless relationships throughout my life where someone has told me how I feel, or how I will feel. I really, really, really, hate this cop-out, because it rests on two flawed assumptions: first and foremost the assumption that anyone else can know your emotions better than you do. That's utterly divorced from reality as they are not experiencing what happens in your brain and that's the only source of truth on an emotion. Or worse yet, it's assuming you can't identify your own emotions, like a child who insists they are angry but are actually hungry - it's infantilizing. Secondly, it rests on the assumption that they know the future. How do you know that I will? Are you omniscient?
I know that the people saying this are trying to let someone down easily. What they really mean to say is either that they can't meet your needs (either projection as mentioned earlier or by historical reflection) or that you can't meet theirs and they believe that you will fight them on that note. I have a bit of sympathy for the latter, I know a lot of folks who will practically plead and swear they will change themselves despite evidence to the contrary (having not changed yet) and it's a whole ordeal to deal with that.
Regardless, I just wanted to say I have a lot of sympathy for being upset about someone making a claim about your emotional state. Nobody knows your emotions but you and it's deeply invalidating for others to make any statements about how you feel. It's incredibly inconsiderate of someone else to project their emotional state or perceived emotions onto you and I'm sorry that happened to you.
thank you and I have been sharing with people throughout the day. Insecurity is my middle name and I know part of why it feels easier to shoot this off into the void is because I just don't think people care about me enough for me to ask for their ear or comfort. and she herself has told me that that isn't true and I'm sure it isn't true, the fact that my friends have been extremely supportive shows it isn't true, but part of me just feels guilty because I am the exact kind of person who just doesn't keep up with relationships. it's stuff you see written about from time to time on Tildes actually, musings on adult friendships and keeping those things up, you know the deal.
Your words on fundamental incompatibility hurt a lot (in a good way, promise). It's been several hours since I first wrote the post and I've had one conversation with her for an hour and half, went out to lunch with a friend (actually her coworker, I really don't know anyone in this area that wasn't introduced to me by her) to talk about it, talked to a bunch of different friends, and of course have read all the comments on this thread. There are moments when I'm talking to a friend about it and I genuinely feel I could be "over" it, right at that moment. But then I read that incompatibility is a thing and it just... makes me cry all over again. Like I want to live the rest of my life with her because I feel that the combination of what I need, what she is, and what we've been through together is just not something I can find easily, or ever again. There are so many things that she describes that she realized she needs in a relationship and I think I absolutely agree, I want those things too, it's just that some aspects are more difficult in execution and like you said, maybe it's wrong to insist that we stay in a relationship while those things are worked on...
I'm a lot more disjointed in the typing of this message, sorry. I think musings on the incompatibility and changing oneself to meet the needs of an SO, poked at some tender spots. Because she keeps saying I can find someone better and that I need to stop this all-or-nothing thinking that I absolutely will not find someone period. But at this point even if I were to go out of my way to seek someone - IDK, I don't feel like I am bringing my best self to the table, I just got dumped because of it, do I really go through a period of self improvement for the express purpose of finding someone else who meets my needs and whose needs I meet? And thus I am left looking at the terrifying void of... I was really happy envisioning us here, and now there is nothing there.
It's easy to fall into this trap of thinking, but you have to realize it's a fantasy. That's not how things were, or you wouldn't have broken up. This is limerance - you're projecting an idea onto what your relationship was. What you can do, however, is to view this as a learning opportunity. You now know what you want and need out of a relationship better than you ever have, because you experienced something new, comfortable, and desirable.
But what you also need to realize is that there's so much more out there you haven't experienced and won't experience until you try out other relationships. There's probably even better ways for things to play out that you can't even imagine, because you've never met someone else who is compatible in different ways. I know this likely feels impossible to accept in your current condition, but as someone who's been in a lot of relationships and through endless therapy, I can assure you that I'm still finding new and exciting ways to connect with folks and experience relationships that differ in fundamental ways I've never experienced before to this day.
You're not and you're right to recognize that, but also you just got dumped?! Of course you're going to need time to gather yourself, time to mourn what you lost, time to reflect and learn, and ultimately time to work on yourself. Life always continues to go on and you will get over this with enough time, so don't think too hard about optimizing that time or meeting someone right away. Live in the moment. Cry when you need to. Talk with your ex and your friends and your family. Hell, eat a pint of ice cream if the desire sparks. Focus on yourself and your recovery and don't worry too much about planning the future. When you're ready to make that step again you will, there's no need to rush it.
You are right, and I think yes, I mean that I'm mourning the loss of what I thought we had - a future.
It does help to think about possibly someone being compatible in different ways. I know, I know I'm focusing so hard right now on how I went for 30 years of my life (well... a bit earlier than that when I realized I kind of liked this person) without meeting that person. I know I'm not alone in that regard either. I just wish I could stop worrying about the numbers game aspect.
Talking helps a lot, and writing posts here and reading responses help a lot too. I had a lot of trouble sleeping even though my body physically really needed it. I want to go on a walk for the sake of my lower back but when I think of the mental energy I need to muster to go on these walks, I feel so tired again. And I can't just nap because napping, the quiet space is a really difficult place to be in right now. I'm talking to my manager in a few hours about a bit of this but really I just want to ease back into work. Last week I had two entire days off and it helped but it was... different; I still mostly thought I had a chance. But man, Wednesday was like an entire day of technically being at work but barely being there. Trying to get ahead of that so while I'm still not really working today, I won't regret tossing tomorrow out the window.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Breakups suck.
I have a few thoughts on some of the things you said. If we were friends in real life it’s very unlikely I’d offer advice right after your breakup; one of the unfortunate parts of online communication is that this is sort of the one chance (I’m not going to revive this thread in a month with my thoughts). So I’m running the risk of coming across as extremely insensitive. If that’s so, I am sorry. I considered whether to type it out at all, but I have several clear (and painful) memories of when people told me things they thought I should hear, and I always ended up better for it, even if I was pissed in the moment.
Point being, feel free to disregard everything I’m about to write, especially if everything is still too raw.
…
For what it’s worth, I am certain - especially since this is her first romantic relationship - that she is trying to let you down easy and is, in the process, hurting you more. In both your original post and your comment, I see how confused you are about what she’s telling you. As a neutral observer it’s fairly clear, but… it is also painful.
Ultimately, what she means with all the “you’ll be happier with someone who accepts you as you are” and “you’d be better with someone else” stuff is that she no longer wants to be with you. That’s why you can’t convince her that you don’t want to be with someone else, you want to be with her: because she knows, and the real issue at hand is that she doesn’t want that.
I’m sorry. I hope that isn’t too brutal; my experience has very much been that it’s better to hurt and know why than hurt and feel lost. Breakups are the worst. Sending you hugs.
I appreciate how delicately you have put all this and yeah, coming back in a month would be... not great!
Actually this is why my initial reaction was a lot worse than she expected. I know exactly what this all means. I was upset because she insisted that those words, exactly, were what she meant, and I wanted her to be honest and stop using these words. And of course knowing exactly that the reason didn't really matter, that if she wants to end this, that is what is going to happen no matter how I feel about it. I still tried anyways because I knew if I didn't try, that regret would haunt me forever. It already felt like a miracle that she agreed to trying this relationship out in the first place.
All that to say - I hear you, and I really appreciate that you would hit this internet stranger with the cold hard truth when you could just read and walk away. I know the truth and I'm just somewhere in bargaining when I think about the words she said, but emotionally I'm somewhere in depression and hopefully hitting acceptance regarding some things.
Totally. It’s so frustrating, right?
Sounds like you’re in a pretty good place, all things considered. Best of luck.
To be mildly fair, when someone really cares about you, they do see all your good qualities, when you're at your best what fun you can be, and can fully imagine someone else being the right fit for you and make you happier than they can. It just has to be not them. Which hurts, yeah, but it's not a fabrication meant to deceive, it's a hope that while they are doing what needs to be done for themselves, they also truly do want you to be happy.
We’ve been talking a lot more and I believe her now regarding this.
I really did talk to her differently back when we were just friends, then long distance partners. I still had issues communicating certain things but I was happy talking to her as myself with minimal filter. And because she was the only one asking me to change things - how I present myself to her coworkers (more confidence, more inviting!), how I do chores around the house (she knew I lived with a family that did not ask me to do any household chores… ever), how to plan out grocery trips. Instead of adding these to my current behavior I just rewrote from scratch.
Particularly regarding social behavior and small talk - I know one evening I was invited for a dinner and axe throwing with her coworkers to celebrate a month’s worth of birthdays. I thought I did okay! But later that night she said the way I carried conversation with one of her coworkers, who I had met the first time, wasn’t inviting to continue - they were like, polite question, answer, stop.
The angry-upset part of me about all this still exists, though smaller. It wants me to say, I understand all these problems now! Can we not try to fix them and salvage the relationship?
If she were a different kind of person, maybe. But she’s always been a very independent person. Friends and family to lean on but she never needed a romantic relationship (or any committed long term relationship, forget the romance). Not saying it was easy for her to do this though my self-pity also says it will be easier for her to get over the guilt and regret of how she communicated her wants, compared to how I will get over… losing a rock in my life. But she really did mean what she said.
Sometimes, speaking as an older person, it's just too hard to "re-program" someone into what is easy to get along with. Sometimes it feels like love shouldn't be that much work, and that that amount of work may not be sustainable over a lifetime of being together in that capacity. Whereas friends can stay together for decades without either having to change too much.
It hurts now, and I hope you find your way forward with being in a new city and with your self confidence and friendship with your new ex. It'll take time and feel crummy, but this might be a good turning point for your forever friendship.
I don't have a lot to add, but one thing that helped me when I was going through something similar many years ago was to "leave her in the woods." Simply: I walked out to a remote place in the woods and left all my pain in that spot. I think maybe I buried a piece of paper with her name on it, but you could do other symbolic gestures: carve her name into a dead tree, bury a memento, (safely!) burn a piece of paper with her name on it, etc.
I also screamed at the top of my lungs and wept. It felt great. And by "great," I guess I mean horrible, but it was cathartic.
It wasn't, like, a full recovery or anything, but it certainly helped. I think at this stage it's all about getting that pain out of your heart, and any way you can do that is good.
Sorry for not having anything to say about your explanations; all of that is kind of between you and her, and I'm afraid that your "Pause" moment of "she doesn’t need a reason at all to end things" might sum it all up. I know all about all of those kind of explanations, but at the end of the day, she wouldn't have ended it if it wasn't what she wanted. I could be wrong, of course, but that's what I take from your post. Sorry to say it so frankly. I hope you can start to feel better soon.
It's not a first world problem, first off. People all over the world go through breakups, and no matter what their situation is, it sucks for everyone. If you're barely scraping by living under a dictatorship, being broken up with sucks just as bad as it does if you're filthy rich with no other problems in the world. It's something we're hard wired to struggle with, and it never feels good.
Secondly, from what you've described, it sounds like you've made a lot of compromises in what your ideal relationship looks like in an attempt to get this woman to stay with you. Compromise is a necessary part of all relationships, but it's always a matter of degree. Too much compromise can mean you're giving part of yourself away, and sacrificing your happiness for security. It's not a recipe for long term contentment.
I don't have a whole lot of advice for getting through this, because it's one of those things that just has to feel like shit for a while. If you can though, try to focus on the positives of being single. There are always positives, even if it doesn't seem like it right now, and even if this woman truly was amazing. What can you do now that you don't have another person's feelings and needs to consider?
What new adventures might the future hold? What types of people could you meet?
I would just caution you to be careful if you're trying to get her back. Don't sacrifice too much, and try to be certain that if she ever does agree to get back together it's not just a compromise to try to keep you happy, and it's not just because she's convinced she's settling for you. Understand that you're a human being who deserves someone that truly wants to be with them, and anything less just isn't worth it.
Thank you so much for your thoughts
When I said it was a first world problem I partially meant that in conjunction with living situation not being an issue. When I told some of my friends their first reaction was making sure I wasn't homeless. And that reminded me of a post on Tildes recently from a regular poster having a difficult time treading water financially... I know I know, don't compare my own issues with others'.
Speaking of financials though, I am currently terrified. Again, I am financially fine with enough savings. My job is extremely understanding and I can take days off to take care of myself. Objectively I earn a lot when compared to the majority of Americans, but I'm in California. I'm terrified of either of us moving out. I can "afford" to, but my mental health was already so improved by this apartment unit and I'm terrified of what change will look like. I really hated living with family in Socal; we were on the upper floor, awful insulation, and until I spent a few hundred dollars one summer for a window unit to be directly installed in my window, summers were truly miserable for me. It gets much hotter where I moved to, but the insulation is good and there is central air. The living room would stay at 76F (where our AC threshold was) at 90F outside while our neighbors would be cranking on their AC as low as 75 outside. I could afford to pay for this place on my own but a 2 bed is excessive even if I could use one bedroom for work as I work full remote. It feels a little... odd to worry about something like money when an entire future I yearned for was just wiped out, but staying here on my own would put me in that terrifying place where so many people currently live in - not enough of a safety net between rent, utilities, and food costs to feel secure when an accident occurs.
It's hard to think back on what we covered in discussions regarding this. On the initial break up she really felt we could break things off amicably then and there and continue being friends. She didn't anticipate that what came across as a blindside to me would invoke anger that I have never directed her way before. And last night when we did have a much calmer discussion, I said I did not think I could go back to the way things were and that I'd need to look for a place to move out to. Why the fuck did I say that? I'm dying right now remembering it. And I told her this morning repeatedly that I regretted that as soon as I sat in my bedroom and talked to what friends were awake, but she was rightfully hurt and I'm afraid she doesn't believe me when I say I really want to go back to when we were close friends
I hear you on looking at the things I can do now without another person's feelings and needs. I don't think that switch is simple for me because to me, the biggest thing she wanted me to change was being able to socialize. I've been a little coddled from my two jobs where the environment has been chill enough where, because I deliver results, I can be a little unprofessional (small things - I don't have to have my camera on even with some interdepartmental meetings... I don't have to get up and speak or lead a meeting...) and not have my social anxiety ruffled. I just can't do small talk. But not having to try really hard to get my social / networking game up to par is... well, it's something I wouldn't have to do because I don't have to consider what she wants, but that is something I know deeply that I need to work on.
I know I've flip flopped a lot on how I could cautiously ask how she felt about us working out in the future. A future where there's no more tension because there are no needs of a partner to try to fulfill, where both of us have potentially grown so that our current woes are challenges we have already overcome. But because of things I've said while lashing out I don't even know what being friends looks like right now. That is - she knows we absolutely can get back to where we were as friends, but it's in contention on whether we can do that while splitting rent. At this point I really have accepted that there is no going back to a relationship and I am hoping that my pushing is not too much so that I don't have to uproot my life over this.
you never want to convince someone to stick with you. It never ends well. Give them some space and work on the codependency part, if that is a reality in your life.
Breaking up sucks, but if you aren't a good fit, you don't want to force it. A lot of people lose a lot of years like that.
If you aren't into meditation yet, this is a great time to start.
It hurt to learn that it wasn’t space she needed. I had already been working on clingyness and had been happy doing things for myself without her. But I also just didn’t talk to her on my own about those things. I didn’t speak freely because I was scared and holding up a report card asking if the grade was passing. But that’s no way to act around your significant other.
I will try the meditation.
eventually you’ll meet someone you don’t feel like that around and it’ll be so nice and easy.
I really need to sleep. I haven’t slept since getting up yesterday morning. I wasn’t able to draft a reply to everyone before she got back home and we could talk again.
I made her cry a lot. I struggled to talk freely with her because of her expectations (she takes full responsibility on the expectations being unfair or at least, it just isn’t likely for such drastic ones to resolve neatly). I was able to talk freely to her in the aftermath and she cried saying that this was what she had wanted this entire time. I’m sorry that it was too late and I needed this drastic end to get my act together.
I talked to her about some of the fears I mentioned in comments. I don’t want to move out, I love both our cats (her cat is one I took off an old high school classmate’s hands, a stray found back in socal, that - with her blessing! - I accepted and brought with me on the move up here). I love this area but I’m afraid because I have no in person friends outside of her here, and the thought of getting really ill on my own or something of that nature terrifies me. And thinking about finding a new roommate with my social anxiety is… well, anxiety inducing.
We both want to stay friends. She needs me to be honest about how much time and space I need for us to slowly start getting there. I know I haven’t had a great track record of speaking freely but I really really think I can to make this work. Knowing the person she is, I don’t feel restless that she will be the one who can’t accept going back to friends. That is on me. It is sad but I do feel a bit of agency again regarding moving forward.
We talked about some other inevitable realities. What happens when either of us find a new partner? What if we need to move out with said partner? Who knows? It hurts to think about right now but I would rather deal with that in who knows how long down the line, than throw everything out.
I love her so much, my favorite person in the world, but please don’t worry for me that I can’t get over her when I say that. The last five years were the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I have so many insecurities with my life and worth but I really feel it with a dead certainty, I can live with this.
Thank you all so much for reading and offering any thoughts. I don’t know if I can reply to each and every one but I have and will read them all. Thank you.
I don't know, man. Continuing to live together is a recipe for disaster - everything is just too raw now, and - forgive me for saying this - neither of you seem, from a distance, like you're ready to live with an ex. (That's not negative - I would never be ready.) You guys are talking more now, though, which is good.
I also have to ask - is this what she wants?
I appreciate the concern and I think this is part of why I struggled to write some of this. I'm writing into the void but I also yearn to be understood, yet I don't want to go into further detail about the specifics of what kind of people we both are. I'm not saying we're oh-so-special, but part of why I feel I can't just find someone else to take her place is because our desires just don't mesh well with standard expectations of what a romantic relationship is. Like I would have been happy with a platonic life-partner and I know those exist, but... I know, statistically it just isn't how most humans are wired.
She also was the one who had wanted this initially yes. Mine was the kneejerk reaction that I could absolutely not go back to what we were before. She even was okay with me continuing to sleep on her bed. I have an Ikea daybed in my room that was partly for decoy purposes in case her family ever visited (we are both women and her family is not aware, they are extremely conservative). Also supposed to be for the instance that something like this happened - well, not a full on breakup but if ever things got heated where we needed time apart. And see, I know exactly how that sounds - exes sharing a bed? That's a real recipe for disaster. I thought so too. I know that's in the past tense but I don't mean that I think it's acceptable - honestly I'm just thinking about my lower back because eesh these Ikea mattresses are horrid. Apologies for rambling. The point is that... yes, and I hurt her because I reacted extremely poorly. Am not saying that the poor reaction was uncalled for either given circumstances. But prior to that she thought, given our history, we could take as long as we needed to go back to what we were.
I also don't know if it makes it any better that we were really close friends for almost 4 years before I asked her out. If anything our experiences together as friends are longer than our experiences together as partners. Yes, those experiences we had as partners will hurt a lot to think about because they're so powerful. But I also feel really strongly about our years as close friends, too.
edit after a night of sleep: She prefers her time with me as a close friend. Or even when we were long distance. She prefers it because I was a more free person then. I was just so happy to physically be near her and the happiness of other things - moving out of a toxic household, having my car to myself, the beautiful greenery of this area - it was easy to miss how I wasn’t doing the best for myself on other personal levels.
Actions speak louder than words when people act certain ways and don't want to explain themselves
It sounds like you could eventually get back together but right now she wants to know what other relationships could be like before she commits to something more.
I think you should prepare to end things amicably or at least pretend to so that the loss of you as a potential partner feels real. Maybe she'll come back but maybe she won't.
Folks have said a lot I would say, so to avoid some repetition I'm just gonna hone in on something. You wrote that you resented the idea that someone else could make you happier. You then wrote out where you stood on why that is. It sounds to me like you don't really resent that idea, but rather that it was told to you, which would mean resenting the person for having said it. If that is true, let that be gone from your life, along with this person. Forgive it within, consider its merits, and be free to see who else comes along. I'm saying so because I've made my own mistakes, and one of them was to hold that same resentment. I reasoned it out, I came up with a compelling narrative about harboring it. People agreed with me; it felt justified. But when someone else did come along, the resentment was still there, and it meant losing them too when they came to have doubts. I brought forth resentment that was not for them, and pushed them away. When someone tells you something like that, that they think you'd be happier with someone else, it is a deep expression, a final action that belies true concern. I know its cliché to say but its a cliche for a reason - loving something enough means knowing when to let it go, and choosing to say so is a brave kindness. They showed you they cared, one last time. She could have just disappeared, plenty of people do that. She could have lashed out, admonished you for your wrongs. Instead she told you why, and let you do with that what you will. Take what you can from it and travel on, toward what's next. You can move more freely, and faster, with less weight. Sincerely, good luck to you. There is a hill beyond this valley. Just keep going, and you'll reach it.
I will say that the resentment was prior to a few talks we've had since. I truly didn't understand why she said I'd be happier with someone else - because at the time I thought she was talking about how she couldn't reciprocate in certain things or show more affirmations of her feelings, or how I was struggling to meet her expectations. Because I didn't care about what she couldn't return that someone else wired differently potentially could, and I really did want to struggle to meet those expectations if it meant a life with her.
And yes after much talking and reflection I understand, and the resentment isn't there anymore. It helps if I remember that this isn't just something lacking on my part - if the holding of expectations meant I just am not compatible with her then... yeah, that's normal. Even if we still have the capacity to be really close friends - she still needs to reflect on her own side of things. Whether that's reflecting on holding expectations like that of a partner, or whether that just means those expectations are part of her own newfound list of needs from a partner, or anything else.
I think I prefer to minimize dwelling on that phrase still, because thinking about "who else comes along" opens up its own can of distress.