R3qn65's recent activity
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
R3qn65 Link ParentYou bet. People have been throwing around the idea of going to therapy a lot. I'm not usually big on that advice, because it often seems like that's just the thing you're "supposed" to say, and...You bet.
For what it's worth, I think it's fair to say that I wore her down, but I never forced her to do anything. I felt like at least most of the time there was a positive outcome from it. But I realize I could be projecting.
People have been throwing around the idea of going to therapy a lot. I'm not usually big on that advice, because it often seems like that's just the thing you're "supposed" to say, and therapy works best when it's aimed at a specific question, not just going to go.
This would be a very good question. None of us can really tell via text to what degrees your support was positive and negative, but that is a question you could actually try to figure out with the help of a therapist.
Either way, good luck!
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Comment on What do you think of robots in the military? in ~tech
R3qn65 (edited )Link ParentCool! It's a topic that is both complicated (in terms of background) and simple. To your point, the US is functionally uninvadable. Look at how Russia has struggled against Ukraine - with which it...- Exemplary
Cool! It's a topic that is both complicated (in terms of background) and simple.
To your point, the US is functionally uninvadable. Look at how Russia has struggled against Ukraine - with which it shares a massive land border of mostly flat farmland - and then imagine them trying to invade the United States, thousands of miles away and with an ocean in between. It's a silly idea.
So the US's defense expenditure all (and only) sort of makes sense if you zoom out a little bit and realize that the US has assumed responsibility for the security of almost the entire world. See this article talking about how the US protects maritime trade routes, for instance. Similarly, the US doesn't have military bases in Europe to protect the US, it has bases there to protect Europe. Ditto with South Korea, the gulf, parts of Africa, etc. Some of this has changed under Trump obviously, but much more hasn't.
Why do this? I think there's a strong moral case that even with... everything, the world is safer and richer with the US dominant than if it was a free for all, but even if you take a pretty nationalist view of defense, the US's obligations also benefit it strategically. The US has intentionally promoted the dominance of the dollar in international trade, first with Bretton Woods after WWII and then with the petrodollar. And if almost all international trade is happening in dollars, which benefits the US, it thus also benefits the US to protect that trade. So they end up securing basically the entire world.
Ironically there's a pretty strong argument that an isolationist US would have been better off (North and South America together have basically all necessary resources, arable land, etc), but again the world almost certainly would've been worse off and there's no going back easily, so here we are.
It's a hypercomplex topic with a ton of academic literature surrounding, but the tl;Dr is that the US doesn't need to spend basically anything to defend the Continental states themselves, but that's not the point of the US's defense strategy.
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Comment on What do you think of robots in the military? in ~tech
R3qn65 Link ParentActually looking for discussion or just rhetorical?Why are we worried about defense with 3000 miles of ocean to our east and west?
Actually looking for discussion or just rhetorical?
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Comment on What do you think of robots in the military? in ~tech
R3qn65 Link ParentWhat do you mean with this? 11 US servicemembers were convinced and all were punished, most with substantial prison terms. Edit: oh I see, you mean they were punished but for something else....They were not, this is objectively false and a big portion of the discussion around Abu Ghraib.
What do you mean with this? 11 US servicemembers were convinced and all were punished, most with substantial prison terms.
Edit: oh I see, you mean they were punished but for something else. Wartime sexual violence and torture are both frequently considered war crimes, so while it's true they were punished according to the UCMJ, they were punished for doing things generally considered to be war crimes. Are you pointing to the broader political point of "only the other guys do war crimes, not my guys"? If so it probably needs a bit more substantiation.
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
R3qn65 (edited )Link ParentBefore anything else, just want to say I admire the vulnerability in pasting the LLM chat log. Will provide a separate comment. EDIT: Apparently tildes doesn't let you do that. Anyway, you've...Before anything else, just want to say I admire the vulnerability in pasting the LLM chat log. Will provide a separate comment.
EDIT: Apparently tildes doesn't let you do that. Anyway, you've primarily been the driver of this relationship. That's not news to you, obviously. I'm assuming she's a very passive person in general? Not a huge amount of drive, doesn't make a lot of decisions, etc.? I think you've probably always been more into her than she is into you and, to some extent (how much is impossible to say), she's just been sort of going along with it.
For example --
After almost a year, I started asking how we could make the relationship work long-term. She said it felt like a big jump, but we talked about it a lot and she eventually seemed fine with the idea.
You started asking, she didn't initially want to do it, you both talked about it a lot - the less charitable interpretation would be that you wore her down - and "eventually [she] seemed fine with the idea." It's clear that you recognize that she wasn't very enthusiastic here, yeah? It's never really possible to tell just via text, but I don't think anybody's done anything egregiously wrong here. I think you're just not right for each other.
That likely isn't recoverable. The silver lining, I suppose, is that neither of you are that into things and so it should be a fairly clean break.
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
R3qn65 Link ParentOkay. In general I think you know what the right answer here is; you haven't asked a whole lot of "how can I fix this" so much as "how much am I expected to take." Relationships can't be built...Okay. In general I think you know what the right answer here is; you haven't asked a whole lot of "how can I fix this" so much as "how much am I expected to take." Relationships can't be built solely on obligation. If your feelings are pretty much dead, and she's telling you she wants out anyway, well...
The way this whole thing happened was always going to be extremely difficult, as a couple posters have pointed out, and only a tiny fraction of relationships could've really survived it.
I think it's worth introspecting on what actually happened on the occasions where she ended up crying on your shoulder - like, very specifically. I still think it doesn't make much sense given everything else, and it'd be worth considering whether you basically forced that to happen when it wouldn't have organically. Not that it matters now, really, but for the future. You mention you're still developing your own emotional intelligence.
That and a few other things suggest that you may - may! - be more of the problem than you're owning up to, but it's quite hard to tell.
In part that's because we're getting the initial post through the LLM. It would, if you're feeling up to it, be helpful to see the whole transcript of your conversation with the LLM that led to this post. Ditto if you want to talk through how exactly the she ended up crying on your shoulder several times while simultaneously dreading you coming home.
I'm not blaming or attacking you, just trying to help; one of the benefits of the Internet is that you can occasionally get the counsel you need instead of the counsel you want, and because nobody knows you there are no consequences.
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
R3qn65 Link ParentSorry to keep asking questions instead of giving advice, but the better I (we) understand the better the ultimate advice can be. Can you explain what you mean when you say that you're dead to her...Sorry to keep asking questions instead of giving advice, but the better I (we) understand the better the ultimate advice can be. Can you explain what you mean when you say that you're dead to her even as a friend? A couple times in the last few weeks she's cried on your shoulder for hours. Same thing as above - that juxtaposition's not impossible, but kind of odd. What are you feeling that makes you say that?
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
R3qn65 Link ParentCan you help me understand better the balance between her needing you and her pushing you away like this and being cold? Those two things don't typically coexist. Not saying it's impossible, but...Can you help me understand better the balance between her needing you and her pushing you away like this and being cold? Those two things don't typically coexist. Not saying it's impossible, but it's a little odd to see the juxtaposition of "I'm obligated to stay because she needs me" and "she's pushing me away" if that makes sense.
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
R3qn65 LinkTo what extent do you want to be in this relationship for you and to what extent are you staying out of a sense of obligation?To what extent do you want to be in this relationship for you and to what extent are you staying out of a sense of obligation?
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Comment on Serious relationship problem, seeking advice in ~life
R3qn65 Link ParentYeah... That's what I was afraid of when I saw one of the options was talking only to the sister. Look. I don't say this to be mean, but you've got the wrong mindset here. You've been secretly...Maybe I'm misreading but I feel like you're trying to pry out of me- what does the ideal fantasy version of this look like? Which is embarrassing but I'll share. I tell both her and her sister- the reaction is maybe surprise but not rejection. Somehow in the long term we find a way to have a relationship with all three of us together in a poly V. I understand I have better lottery odds than this.
Yeah... That's what I was afraid of when I saw one of the options was talking only to the sister. Look. I don't say this to be mean, but you've got the wrong mindset here. You've been secretly lusting after your girlfriends sister for more than a year while having conversations with your girlfriend about getting married and having kids and stuff.
You've fucked up. This is a big deal. It's the kind of thing that causes emotional damage that lingers for years and could potentially destroy the relationship between these women. That doesn't mean you're a bad person, necessarily, but harboring secret hope that maybe things can all work out!!!! is probably why you've delayed fixing this, at least in part, and it's going to sabotage any future chance of fixing this as well.
You have to get this out of your head. If you're trying to maintain a relationship with either or both of these women going forward, your goal should be damage control and nothing but.
I don't think any further advice has any real chance of helping until you've fully internalized how bad this situation is and discarded any hopes - even secret hopes - of it all working out.
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Comment on Serious relationship problem, seeking advice in ~life
R3qn65 LinkThis is going to seem like a very specific question - and it is - but I think it gets at the heart of where you're at on all this. It's the linchpin of what you've written and I think...This is going to seem like a very specific question - and it is - but I think it gets at the heart of where you're at on all this. It's the linchpin of what you've written and I think answering/giving advice before understanding better would be a mistake.
(3) I tell the sister, most likely permanently destroying the relationship we have and making our interaction uncomfortable forever. I think expressing all this to her and hearing the most likely response of "No I dont like you like that at all you're a freak get away from me" maybe would undo this spell Im under though.
Tell me more about this scenario. How it goes in your head, whether you're telling your girlfriend also in this scenario (and if so, in what order), what you're hoping will happen.
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Comment on Which Substacks do you subscribe to/follow? in ~tech
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Comment on Clanker: A word for the machine in ~tech
R3qn65 Link ParentI'm very into this, actually. (Jokes aside, I agree that the whole thing is a bit silly. I also do not use weird pejorative terms for AI agents, unless they're being fucking stupid, in which case...What are we going to do next, invent a slur for the fridge with advertising on its front panel?
I'm very into this, actually.
(Jokes aside, I agree that the whole thing is a bit silly. I also do not use weird pejorative terms for AI agents, unless they're being fucking stupid, in which case I call them "fucking idiots").
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Comment on Clanker: A word for the machine in ~tech
R3qn65 Link ParentIt was, definitely. My point isn't that it's not pejorative, my point was that it was not created recently as an analogue to the N-word. @pendingketchup for the same response.It was, definitely. My point isn't that it's not pejorative, my point was that it was not created recently as an analogue to the N-word.
@pendingketchup for the same response.
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Comment on The fall of the theorem economy in ~science
R3qn65 LinkI'm glad you posted this - I'd started it earlier and bounced off of the intro. After I saw you'd posted it I figured it was probably worth getting through and I'm happy I did. Unfortunately I...I'm glad you posted this - I'd started it earlier and bounced off of the intro. After I saw you'd posted it I figured it was probably worth getting through and I'm happy I did. Unfortunately I know so little about pure mathematics that I can't really evaluate anything therein, but the arguments were thought-provoking if nothing else.
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Comment on Clanker: A word for the machine in ~tech
R3qn65 Link ParentClanker was first used in the 2005 video game Republic Commando to refer to battle droids, then in the novelizations, and later became popular across the internet. I'm sure some people started...The word “clanker” was invented for this reason. It’s literally a parody of the n-slur. Online edgy people invented the term for skits because of its linguistic similarity.
Clanker was first used in the 2005 video game Republic Commando to refer to battle droids, then in the novelizations, and later became popular across the internet. I'm sure some people started using the word for its parallels to the offensive American term, but it wasn't just invented wholesale for that reason.
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Comment on Do we want to stop all crime? in ~society
R3qn65 Link ParentI think this is the best argument so far in the thread. Crime is sometimes dependent on the circumstances, and perfect enforcement would seem to preclude that.I think this is the best argument so far in the thread. Crime is sometimes dependent on the circumstances, and perfect enforcement would seem to preclude that.
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Comment on Do we want to stop all crime? in ~society
R3qn65 LinkIn your scenario, where only bad things are crime, apprehension is instant, and enforcement is perfect, I think the benefits clearly outweigh the costs (if any costs actually exist). I would want...In your scenario, where only bad things are crime, apprehension is instant, and enforcement is perfect, I think the benefits clearly outweigh the costs (if any costs actually exist). I would want perfect enforcement.
Generally, the optimum amount of fraud is not zero. That's an aphorism describing the ever-increasing compliance costs to trying to reduce fraud/crime/etc to zero. But in your scenario we've established that enforcement is instant and perfect so that wouldn't really apply.
Similarly, it's generally good for society for it to be too difficult to prove all cases. (A high bar protects the innocent). But we've already established that enforcement is perfect, so that doesn't really apply either.
And finally, crime is sometimes important to push social change. See as a trivial example Rosa Parks or the sit-in protests, where nonviolently breaking the law helped force necessary social change in the United States. But we've established already that only actually bad things count as crimes, so there's no need.
So yeah, sounds pretty great!
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Comment on How has inflation changed your quality of life? in ~finance
R3qn65 Link ParentWell, sure. I think that's what they meant anyway, but if not that's the closest remotely realistic analogue I could think of.That's still land ownership, it's just not private land ownership.
Well, sure. I think that's what they meant anyway, but if not that's the closest remotely realistic analogue I could think of.
Ignoring your partner for weeks at a time isn't really a trait so much as being an asshole. Everyone has their own needs for space and rejuvenation and all that, but relationships are built on compromise. Even if you have extremely high requirements for personal space, you still need to compromise enough to not just ignore your partner for weeks at a time.