Aran's recent activity
-
Comment on Moving out soon. Think out loud with me regarding saving money vs. quality of life. in ~life
-
Comment on Moving out soon. Think out loud with me regarding saving money vs. quality of life. in ~life
Aran Link ParentI'm fortunate that my job is pretty stable, and my raises have been better than the average (almost exactly 7% a year for three years). I know there is room for a much bigger jump with a title...I'm fortunate that my job is pretty stable, and my raises have been better than the average (almost exactly 7% a year for three years). I know there is room for a much bigger jump with a title change but at minimum that would be a year or two out, no promises written in stone, etc.
I definitely don't need much for fun/hobbies... and that is purely because my past self has already purchased enough to last me a while (I do a bit of model kit assembly, painting, polymer clay figures). And of course, video games and I don't purchase full price ones often.
I hear you on the potential issue of not jiving with roommate lifestyles. From my brief visits to the house it seems like shared space tidiness isn't an issue since they all keep to their own rooms and don't cook outside of using the air fryer, which... works for me?
My cousins are probably the only one (outside of your comment) really trying to convince me to go for the more expensive place, if only to avoid possibly gambling on just what living with these guys will look like even after a few meetings/interviews :')
-
Comment on Moving out soon. Think out loud with me regarding saving money vs. quality of life. in ~life
Aran Link ParentThere's a coworking space I've been using that work fortunately expensed for me, but with the understanding that it would not be a regular thing that they can cover. It's something like $30 a day...There's a coworking space I've been using that work fortunately expensed for me, but with the understanding that it would not be a regular thing that they can cover. It's something like $30 a day (was previously going in once a week) or $200/mo for unlimited weekday visits. It's definitely something I've been considering when addressing potential issues with the smaller living space since I still come out very ahead when factoring in the cost of the space and mileage.
-
Comment on Moving out soon. Think out loud with me regarding saving money vs. quality of life. in ~life
Aran Link ParentWe do currently have in-unit laundry! I will admit I also haven’t not had in-unit laundry since college. The apartments I’m looking at do have laundry facilities on premises though it will be...We do currently have in-unit laundry!
I will admit I also haven’t not had in-unit laundry since college. The apartments I’m looking at do have laundry facilities on premises though it will be around $5-6 per wash+dry cycle. It’s hard for me to really place a value on the in-unit because it’s been such a long time since I didn’t have it, and as a college student who didn’t regularly wash bedsheets (SORRY) I didn’t think too hard about it at the time. But also we had laundry units on the same floor so they were just down the hall… possibly very different from hauling things to a laundry facility that may be far from my unit… aaahhhh
edit: Noting both your and the other comments’ mention on investing the spare cash. I hear you, I have some reading up to do on getting started on that.
-
Moving out soon. Think out loud with me regarding saving money vs. quality of life.
Hello all! My lease is up mid-March of this year. For personal mental health reasons I would like to secure a move-in date of around mid-February and perhaps even earlier than that, because I'd...
Hello all! My lease is up mid-March of this year. For personal mental health reasons I would like to secure a move-in date of around mid-February and perhaps even earlier than that, because I'd like to have things finalized before my ex starts her own moving out process. This is the first time I'll be apartment hunting on my own, and while I have definitely talked to many friends and mentors regarding my options, I figured I wouldn't mind getting thoughts from folks here.
I have a few hard requirements for personal reasons: I would ideally not be too far from groceries (I have a car), be able to go for walks/runs without having to drive to a specific place, not too far away from the main airport here as I have to fly for work very very occasionally or when visiting family, and central HVAC. I have, generally, two options to choose from:
-
The expensive option, 1500 base rent and estimated 300-400 for utilities/parking/etc. At this time I do not believe it possible or even worth looking for anything slightly cheaper than this - whether it's a studio or a 1bed, the cost is more or less the same in this area. And even if the location were less of a factor and I looked farther away from the main city / big hubs, at best we're looking at $100 cheaper and I don't think that is big enough savings given how inconvenient location is.
-
The budget option, estimated 700-800 with utilities included, 3 housemates. A friend is currently sharing a house that his family owns with two other housemates. I've never met said housemates but they are personal friends of his. All housemates are male, I am female. I would be getting a single master bedroom, attached bathroom. At this time I do not consider the... eyebrow-raising-ness? of being the sole woman to be a problematic factor.
Some of the factors I'm considering, that probably isn't comprehensive because I'm new to all this:
-
Living with housemates. I haven't had to share a house with so many people since my first year of college, which was 14 years ago. My ex did keep me honest over the last year of living together, and from a brief call with the friend who would be renting out the room, his housemates do keep to themselves, don't really use the kitchen, plenty of fridge space, etc.
-
Living alone. I actually haven't "lived alone" since the last semester before I dropped out of college. My roommate at the time was taking a leave of absence and I had the studio to myself for three months. I feel neutral about this.
-
Laundry? House has in unit laundry. No apartment I've looked at has in-unit laundry unless I add at least $200 on top of the base price.
-
WFH and personal space. I do work remotely and for my entire WFH life, I have always had my personal PC setup, bed, and work setup in the same room. This has been difficult for me in the last two months while recovering from the breakup, and moving into a 1bed apartment would allow me to have a dedicated work setup away from bed since I personally value that higher than a nice living room space (no television, no problem). Or I could even fit that work setup into a small but still cozy living room space, who knows. However...
-
MONEY. I've broken down all my fixed monthly costs, including any recurring annual subscriptions. I am estimating very, very high for absolutely everything, such as monthly grocery costs (400/mo, which is the highest that my ex and I split over the last 10 months. We're both very light eaters and "groceries" would include the occasional toiletries restock and such). Right now I am looking at taking home around $1300/mo living in my own apartment, vs. $2300/mo sharing the house.
- Furnishing a new apartment, vs... not. Ex and I split all costs 50/50 for everything BUT furniture, and she paid for most items such as the sofa, coffee table, TV console, dining room table, ie. she will be taking those items with her. I do not want a large sofa but cozy seating in a living room space is, well, not cheap. The only furniture I'd bring with me is a decent Ikea shelf cabinet thing, my two standing desks, a single bookshelf, a twin bed. I would not be acquiring additional furniture if I move into the single bedroom.
- Schooling costs. I don't know if I've gotten into this online degree program yet, won't know until probably April, and even if I do get in I am not sure if I will jump into it (though at this time I am leaning towards it just to have a guided path which I'm lacking right now with my career). This is an estimated 30k over the course of 2 years, or $625/mo. Not counting any potential textbooks.
- Lasik/PRK? I have pretty poor eyesight. I have always been afraid of pulling the trigger on this, but I would like to in the next few years.
- Current savings. I have a little over $20k in savings. I don't know anything about stocks, I have a 401k I never look at. My financial literacy boils down to "I use my credit card like a debit card" and my only current debt is a financed car, costs are factored into the numbers posted above.
-
Mental health? Monthly therapy costs are factored into my numbers. So is a $150/mo cost of classes at a local muay thai gym (picked up recently for sake of both physical and mental health, joining a community, a regular activity to take me out of the apartment).
What considerations am I missing from the above? What would you go for? I mentioned I have not lived on my own for a very long time, and to be honest I don't have concrete long-term financial goals. Obviously property ownership is like... the American Dream and whatever... but frankly I am so very far from being able to realize such a goal that it just is not a factor when it comes to me saving money. I just don't want to look back at myself in 2027 and regret my finances. My family is in another part of the state and I can't rely on them for money or housing... well, I actually can, for housing, and save even more money, but I vastly prefer the climate where I am at now and my mental health will suffer far more living with family than with 3 housemates.
I really appreciate any thoughts! I know I have time, there is no rush, but I am also aware that distracting myself with this has been pretty helpful with, you know, not being too depressed about circumstances.
28 votes -
-
Comment on What video games would you say have the best stories? Feel free to suggest more than one. in ~games
Aran Link ParentEvery so often I really miss going through the FFXIV MSQ for the first time. 5.3 was my first new patch (started during lockdowns when the game stayed on 5.2 for much longer than usual because of,...Every so often I really miss going through the FFXIV MSQ for the first time. 5.3 was my first new patch (started during lockdowns when the game stayed on 5.2 for much longer than usual because of, well, pandemic) and that was truly an experience.
It is such a hard sell because MMO but… man. It really revived my respect for the FF franchise (which was then ironically dashed again by FF16) after personally being disappointed in it since after 12.
-
Comment on Happy new year! in ~talk
Aran (edited )LinkI already mentioned no goals! But I have a complimentary first lesson at a muay thai gym on Saturday; the gym seems very well regarded when it comes to beginner friendliness. I’m a 4’10” woman who...I already mentioned no goals!
But I have a complimentary first lesson at a muay thai gym on Saturday; the gym seems very well regarded when it comes to beginner friendliness. I’m a 4’10” woman who is blind without glasses. We’ll see how that goes?
edit 2 days after: Went to the gym, felt very welcome even if my poor body needs a LOT of work in both the cardio and strength department. Excited to go back!
-
Comment on Happy new year! in ~talk
Aran Link ParentThe YT algorithm has been feeding me influencers (I know, I know) talking about avoiding concrete goal setting for this reason. I feel it; I try avoiding telling people what my long term “goals”...The YT algorithm has been feeding me influencers (I know, I know) talking about avoiding concrete goal setting for this reason. I feel it; I try avoiding telling people what my long term “goals” are because I just don’t have a great track record of achieving them. Which isn’t to say I’m not moving forward in another way! Just, feels a little bad…
Working on avoiding spiraling is absolutely somewhere on my priorities list this year though, I hope the coming year sees you well!
-
Comment on What are you reading these days? in ~books
Aran (edited )LinkIt all started with Wake Up Dead Man. After finishing tht movie, I was inspired to actually read a mystery from a well known author, and I started with Agatha Christie. I love paperbacks and...It all started with Wake Up Dead Man. After finishing tht movie, I was inspired to actually read a mystery from a well known author, and I started with Agatha Christie. I love paperbacks and there’s a Half Price Books in the area so I visited and looked up what the more well regarded Christie novels were. And Then There Were None topped a lot of lists, plus even I recognized the title, so I picked that up. Of the other repeat names I saw, however, I didn’t find available at the shelves… the closest was The Murder of Roger Ackroyd.
I started with And Then There Were None. Fun, entertaining, I hit the last several chapters late at night and I of course lost a good few hours of sleep because I had to finish it.
Funny note: I learned only afterwards that, in the new Knives Out movie that inspired this recent stint into reading mysteries, the book club reading list shown includes The Murder of Roger Ackroyd. I normally don’t jump into new books so quickly after finishing one, but now I had to start this.
All I will say is, I have once again lost a few hours of sleep because at some point I just had to keep reading. I took a picture for my mahjong friends since there’s a chapter where some characters socialize while playing mahjong. That was page 164 at 11:09 PM. I finished page 255, the end of the book, at 12:51 AM.
I confess I do not have the brains for figuring out these mysteries before the reveal, but the drip feed of revelations is actually really addicting. I don’t think I’ve burned through books like this since middle school. Think I’ll go pick up some more!
edit: this is probably a “yeah no shit, idiot” moment but for my fellow naive readers: do not ever google just the name of a mystery. I actually did get spoiled on who the killer was in And Then There Were None, and I had been googling some terminology or words I didn’t recognize. My bored dopamine seeking brain googled just the name once and of course the Google AI summary has the killer’s identity in the first few sentences. Lovely! I’m very glad that I wasn’t spoiled at all for Roger Ackroyd.
-
Comment on How do you want to define 2026 for yourself? in ~talk
Aran Link2025 ended really poorly for me - I posted here several weeks back about a breakup and I had moved earlier this year a few hundred miles away from friends and family to move in with my now-ex....2025 ended really poorly for me - I posted here several weeks back about a breakup and I had moved earlier this year a few hundred miles away from friends and family to move in with my now-ex. “Getting over it” has been really up and down but one common thread keeping my head up has been actively working on myself, whether that’s exercise, studying, or hobby crafts. I don’t really believe in New Year’s resolutions because I have a very consistent track record of dropping them (and they don’t have to have been made at the new year). In fact I am very wary of relying on motivation because that thing is a fickle mistress and no friend of mine. But I’m feeling really good about continuing these things for the upcoming year because for once they aren’t me trying to “improve” my life despite my lazy soul preferring to stay still… I really need these changes because I see how they’re helping me even in the short-term.
I haven’t run for exercise since mandatory PE in high school and I’ve always had pretty garbage stamina but honestly I am surprised that I am seeing progress even though I felt I never saw any as a teen (lack of consistency being the explanation of course). I’ll even pay for an overpriced Starbucks drink after a run just to sit in there for an hour with a textbook and actually enjoy reading it / working through some exercises. Once the weather gets warm enough for my poor southern Californian bones I can go back to sitting at one of the many nearby parks but for now, look, 45 F is too damn cold to sit outside in, thank you! (The library is an option, though a little less convenient if I’m trying to combine exercise with study time. I’ll be back!)
My mental health still takes nosedives seemingly out of nowhere and I struggled for a while just to get out of those ruts. For now, just being outdoors is helping with that. I also want to expand my support group but I’ve never been big on meeting new people… I’m keeping it in mind, I even showed up to a arts/crafts night hosted at a local game shop and everyone was really nice, but it definitely takes a lot more out of me than just exercise and reading.
-
Comment on Games: Your personal year in review for 2025 in ~games
Aran LinkIn no particular order (actually the order of my most recently played Steam games): Monster Hunter Wilds: It's hard not to feel resentful of Worlds and the shifting community, as the old lady...In no particular order (actually the order of my most recently played Steam games):
Monster Hunter Wilds: It's hard not to feel resentful of Worlds and the shifting community, as the old lady shouting at clouds who has been enjoying Monster Hunter since high school on the PSP. Not that I am upset at all these youngins comin' in and ruinin' my game or anything like that! But in between vocal folks whose only MH games have been Worlds into Wilds, and complaints about performance or graphical fidelity, and consistent issues with running the game on my own hardware (which, NGL, only seemingly went away after the last set of performance patches + graphics drivers which was a few months ago...)... I'm just reminded a lot of why I don't like discussing AA/AAA video games too much, because the importance of Presentation gets crossed with the importance of Gameplay.
Sorry, that was an unnecessary rant. I enjoy Wilds. I don't enjoy it the same way I enjoyed 3U and 4U over a decade ago - as in, I don't go out of my way to play it solo. Friends and I get together every title update and spend maybe two or three days completing the new content and farming things, then scatter again. I think the FF14 collab fight was great and that's the one thing I would actually get on to try and solo, if other life things were not much higher in priority for me currently.
SILENT HILL f: Eh... I thought the first playthrough was fine, great even. I'm not a horror game buff and unfortunately I've only ever watched old Silent Hill game playthroughs (mostly because the classics are from a bit before my time - I didn't get an interest in getting spooked until after young adulthood). Clunky combat feels a bit of a non-issue to me; what really was the issue was how the ending sequence involved a lot of unavoidable, trapped-in-closed-arena-with-mobs moments and THAT did feel tedious.
I stopped playing maybe a third of the way into the second playthrough, because while the changes were interesting, I realized they just weren't interesting enough to warrant playing through the game again. Slightly changed puzzles, slightly changed jumpscare moments and enemy placement (HATE this one), all of it just isn't rewarded enough compared to just watching a Youtube video. For that matter I haven't even watched a Youtube video on the rest of the endings yet; that's how much that second playthrough, brief as it was, soured me on the entire thing.
Higurashi no naku koro ni, one of the writer Ryukishi07's previous horror visual novel works, was one of many formative pieces of media for me as a kid. It was probably one of the first actual horror media works I've experienced on my own, actually, next to Carrie from Stephen King. Unfortunately it isn't even just that the "multiple playthroughs" aspect is easier on a visual novel than in a traditional video game - Higurashi retelling events through a "question arc" and "answer arc" felt a lot more satisfying, whereas Silent Hill f's multiple playthroughs just involve drip feeding information we didn't have before that have little to do with whatever mystery is being presented on screen.
Deltarune Ch. 3 and 4: I love the music and the writing. Not much to add on here.
PEAK: I love this game. There aren't many "purchased because it seemed like a fun occasional party game with friends" games where I feel compelled to play solo occasionally. I'm really not deep into it, I'm not very "good" at the game, and I haven't finished even a base run solo yet, but I really like trying, sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding in parts of the climb on my own.
I've played chunks of a bunch of other games in 2025... Rain World, the new Fantasy Life, Yakuza: Like a Dragon, Project Zomboid... I didn't get anywhere close to finishing the story based ones like Yakuza, or near enough hours to really talk about them like Rain World. I put 3 hours into Expedition 33 and I don't know when I'll ever touch that game because I started it just before a breakup (bonus points for it being my ex's GOTY).
I put 79 minutes into Shenzhen I/O and it was the first of the several Zachtronics games I acquired over the summer. I thought it was really cool but never got back into it. Think that'll be somewhere on my goal list for 2026 (puzzle games really - I famously am not very good at puzzling but it's really satisfying when I can figure something out).
-
Comment on I fixed my lactose intolerance -- by chugging all the lactose in ~health
Aran Link ParentFor me, besides really enjoying all types of dairy, what really bugs me is that it's difficult to tell just how much dairy (and what kind) is bad enough that I should be taking a pill. Liquid milk...For me, besides really enjoying all types of dairy, what really bugs me is that it's difficult to tell just how much dairy (and what kind) is bad enough that I should be taking a pill. Liquid milk doesn't seem too bad for me outside of a bit of gas, but cheese sometimes - not all the time, sometimes! - fucks me up hard, like "curled up in a fetal position on the bathroom floor for 10 minutes trying not to pass out" hard. I liberally take lactaid pills but it's annoying when I need to take multiple a day because my meals and drinks are spread out in the day. Spontaneous latte? Thanksgiving mashed potatoes? Lassi from the Indian place (I didn't know it contained dairy the first time I had it...)? Sometimes I have to take two at a time and it just isn't clear to me when I need to do that; it's just vibes, and I dislike that.
And yeah, people who have serious allergies to certain foods have it much worse than I, but it'd be nice if we could all consume whatever the heck we wanted where the only consequence is calories/nutrients/heavens forbid, bacteria and mold and other such...
-
Comment on The death of punctuation in ~humanities.languages
Aran Link Parentmaybe that's why I got into the habit of sending many short messages making up a broader "transaction" from my end because I think periods = multiple sentences in a message, and that comes across...maybe that's why I got into the habit of sending many short messages making up a broader "transaction" from my end because I think periods = multiple sentences in a message, and that comes across as too serious
so for the most part my messages in texting situations are written like this, where I don't want to add a period and the period is effectively the end of a particular text
sorry to my friends who will never read this but if you are the type to have phone notifications on for discord DMs, please let me know if this is bothering you because I really can try to do this less depending on who im messaging
-
Comment on The death of punctuation in ~humanities.languages
Aran Linkjust speaking for myself Like many my age (31), my formative years included much, much time spent online interacting with strangers. Perhaps because it was simply part of the culture at the time,...just speaking for myself
Like many my age (31), my formative years included much, much time spent online interacting with strangers. Perhaps because it was simply part of the culture at the time, because I would type at age 10 on the Neopets forums as I do now on Tildes (though hopefully I'm much more coherent and less naive than I was at 10). I know some users here have brought up the... culture here as reminiscent of old internet boards and forums. I know that part of the draw of Reddit for me over, say, Tumblr or Instagram, was the same. Not that I need a 500 word statement on every little thing, and admittedly I don't think I've ever had an attention span that could handle some of the more... engaged? debates you might see here. But something like, say, witty Tumblr responses with all lower case, zero punctuation, sarcasm and irony cranked up to max - those just don't feel right to me. That's what I associate "not punctuating their sentences anymore".
And of course, I said "culture" but that's not all encompassing of the internet. Over time it just became simpler to speak without punctuation, particularly in video games. Heck, when I was maybe in my early 20s I'd talk to my friends about how I would deliberately disable auto-capitalization on smartphones because I wanted to be able to control that. There were times where full punctuation, dotted i's, crossed t's, were their own form of conveying seriousness and tone. And there were times when I genuinely wanted my messages to be read less seriously. When I think of how I might joke with some friends in person or verbally in a voice call, if I had to transcribe that dialogue without any additional side text on how the text would be read... sometimes it would just be all lowercase, no punctuation / minimal punctuation.
This might be completely different from what you were thinking when opening this thread because I admittedly don't have any thumb on the pulse of modern human interaction. As I write this I realize - hmm, is it possible you're even thinking of the way people may speak verbally without coherent, natural "stops"? Where do you observe these trends? I don't know! But I'd have this conversation with some friends when we'd reminisce on how much we've all changed regarding how we communicate with others online.
-
Comment on Posts vs. comments. Where do you fall and why? in ~tech
Aran LinkI do both but am not sure if I lean particularly one way or the other! To me it seems a bit natural with the way Tildes' design decision of placing the comment box for a top-level comment at the...I do both but am not sure if I lean particularly one way or the other! To me it seems a bit natural with the way Tildes' design decision of placing the comment box for a top-level comment at the very bottom of the page, to encourage reading what has already been posted. If at the end I feel I actually have something to say that hasn't been said - or in cases of those "what have you been playing/listening to/etc." threads - bam, top-level comment. And if I don't, well, maybe I just don't. If I encounter a comment that I feel I can either contribute to or say something more than just a cursory vote, I'll comment. Even if that comment could have had enough meat in it to be its own top-level comment, I really don't mind riffing off someone else's.
-
Comment on Post breakup ramblings in ~life
Aran Link ParentI will say that the resentment was prior to a few talks we've had since. I truly didn't understand why she said I'd be happier with someone else - because at the time I thought she was talking...I will say that the resentment was prior to a few talks we've had since. I truly didn't understand why she said I'd be happier with someone else - because at the time I thought she was talking about how she couldn't reciprocate in certain things or show more affirmations of her feelings, or how I was struggling to meet her expectations. Because I didn't care about what she couldn't return that someone else wired differently potentially could, and I really did want to struggle to meet those expectations if it meant a life with her.
And yes after much talking and reflection I understand, and the resentment isn't there anymore. It helps if I remember that this isn't just something lacking on my part - if the holding of expectations meant I just am not compatible with her then... yeah, that's normal. Even if we still have the capacity to be really close friends - she still needs to reflect on her own side of things. Whether that's reflecting on holding expectations like that of a partner, or whether that just means those expectations are part of her own newfound list of needs from a partner, or anything else.
I think I prefer to minimize dwelling on that phrase still, because thinking about "who else comes along" opens up its own can of distress.
-
Comment on Post breakup ramblings in ~life
Aran Link ParentYou are right, and I think yes, I mean that I'm mourning the loss of what I thought we had - a future. It does help to think about possibly someone being compatible in different ways. I know, I...You are right, and I think yes, I mean that I'm mourning the loss of what I thought we had - a future.
It does help to think about possibly someone being compatible in different ways. I know, I know I'm focusing so hard right now on how I went for 30 years of my life (well... a bit earlier than that when I realized I kind of liked this person) without meeting that person. I know I'm not alone in that regard either. I just wish I could stop worrying about the numbers game aspect.
Talking helps a lot, and writing posts here and reading responses help a lot too. I had a lot of trouble sleeping even though my body physically really needed it. I want to go on a walk for the sake of my lower back but when I think of the mental energy I need to muster to go on these walks, I feel so tired again. And I can't just nap because napping, the quiet space is a really difficult place to be in right now. I'm talking to my manager in a few hours about a bit of this but really I just want to ease back into work. Last week I had two entire days off and it helped but it was... different; I still mostly thought I had a chance. But man, Wednesday was like an entire day of technically being at work but barely being there. Trying to get ahead of that so while I'm still not really working today, I won't regret tossing tomorrow out the window.
-
Comment on Post breakup ramblings in ~life
Aran Link ParentWe’ve been talking a lot more and I believe her now regarding this. I really did talk to her differently back when we were just friends, then long distance partners. I still had issues...We’ve been talking a lot more and I believe her now regarding this.
I really did talk to her differently back when we were just friends, then long distance partners. I still had issues communicating certain things but I was happy talking to her as myself with minimal filter. And because she was the only one asking me to change things - how I present myself to her coworkers (more confidence, more inviting!), how I do chores around the house (she knew I lived with a family that did not ask me to do any household chores… ever), how to plan out grocery trips. Instead of adding these to my current behavior I just rewrote from scratch.
Particularly regarding social behavior and small talk - I know one evening I was invited for a dinner and axe throwing with her coworkers to celebrate a month’s worth of birthdays. I thought I did okay! But later that night she said the way I carried conversation with one of her coworkers, who I had met the first time, wasn’t inviting to continue - they were like, polite question, answer, stop.
The angry-upset part of me about all this still exists, though smaller. It wants me to say, I understand all these problems now! Can we not try to fix them and salvage the relationship?
If she were a different kind of person, maybe. But she’s always been a very independent person. Friends and family to lean on but she never needed a romantic relationship (or any committed long term relationship, forget the romance). Not saying it was easy for her to do this though my self-pity also says it will be easier for her to get over the guilt and regret of how she communicated her wants, compared to how I will get over… losing a rock in my life. But she really did mean what she said.
-
Comment on Post breakup ramblings in ~life
Aran (edited )Link ParentI appreciate the concern and I think this is part of why I struggled to write some of this. I'm writing into the void but I also yearn to be understood, yet I don't want to go into further detail...I appreciate the concern and I think this is part of why I struggled to write some of this. I'm writing into the void but I also yearn to be understood, yet I don't want to go into further detail about the specifics of what kind of people we both are. I'm not saying we're oh-so-special, but part of why I feel I can't just find someone else to take her place is because our desires just don't mesh well with standard expectations of what a romantic relationship is. Like I would have been happy with a platonic life-partner and I know those exist, but... I know, statistically it just isn't how most humans are wired.
She also was the one who had wanted this initially yes. Mine was the kneejerk reaction that I could absolutely not go back to what we were before. She even was okay with me continuing to sleep on her bed. I have an Ikea daybed in my room that was partly for decoy purposes in case her family ever visited (we are both women and her family is not aware, they are extremely conservative). Also supposed to be for the instance that something like this happened - well, not a full on breakup but if ever things got heated where we needed time apart. And see, I know exactly how that sounds - exes sharing a bed? That's a real recipe for disaster. I thought so too. I know that's in the past tense but I don't mean that I think it's acceptable - honestly I'm just thinking about my lower back because eesh these Ikea mattresses are horrid. Apologies for rambling. The point is that... yes, and I hurt her because I reacted extremely poorly. Am not saying that the poor reaction was uncalled for either given circumstances. But prior to that she thought, given our history, we could take as long as we needed to go back to what we were.
I also don't know if it makes it any better that we were really close friends for almost 4 years before I asked her out. If anything our experiences together as friends are longer than our experiences together as partners. Yes, those experiences we had as partners will hurt a lot to think about because they're so powerful. But I also feel really strongly about our years as close friends, too.
edit after a night of sleep: She prefers her time with me as a close friend. Or even when we were long distance. She prefers it because I was a more free person then. I was just so happy to physically be near her and the happiness of other things - moving out of a toxic household, having my car to myself, the beautiful greenery of this area - it was easy to miss how I wasn’t doing the best for myself on other personal levels.
-
Comment on Post breakup ramblings in ~life
Aran Link ParentIt hurt to learn that it wasn’t space she needed. I had already been working on clingyness and had been happy doing things for myself without her. But I also just didn’t talk to her on my own...It hurt to learn that it wasn’t space she needed. I had already been working on clingyness and had been happy doing things for myself without her. But I also just didn’t talk to her on my own about those things. I didn’t speak freely because I was scared and holding up a report card asking if the grade was passing. But that’s no way to act around your significant other.
I will try the meditation.
I'm struggling to see what racheting down is possible after a year - because generally, yes, worrying about living situation stress spilling over to work and (potential) school performance is currently the biggest draw for me regarding the more expensive option. I can live without the gym but it's a lot harder to make that case for some of the items I am considering to be fixed expenses, like the car (insufficient public transit). I also can't assume the room would still be available to me a year down the line, and personally feel a lot less comfortable subletting a room from a complete stranger in the future.