cheep_cheep's recent activity

  1. Comment on My relationship feels like it's collapsing and I don't know what to do in ~life

    cheep_cheep
    Link
    Thanks for sharing your story - it sounds like you are going through a lot, and I can totally see why you feel burnt out and needing to vent! As an outsider, there are a couple of things about...

    Thanks for sharing your story - it sounds like you are going through a lot, and I can totally see why you feel burnt out and needing to vent!

    As an outsider, there are a couple of things about your situation that stand out to me. I think the biggest one is B's untreated ADHD. A good friend of mine was recently diagnosed as an adult, and it allowed her to understand and have much greater control of her life and her habits. It sounds like B currently isn't "in good working order", and needing hours to vent about her anxieties to you makes you more of her therapist than her partner, and puts even more pressure on you. I echo what others in this thread have said, and getting her to a supportive therapist specifically for ADHD might help a lot, especially if you can talk with B beforehand. Does she acknowledge that things right now feel impossible for both of you? Does she acknowledge how her anxiety is adding a ton of extra weight to your load? I don't want to sound accusatory, at all, but I think it's important to acknowledge when one's own issues are becoming a load for others (as I imagine many middle children do).

    The other thing that stands out to me is communication and boundary setting. It sounds like you personally are holding the whole household together, doing chores, cooking, shopping, car management, etc. Do you take these on because you feel like that's the only way they'll get done? I totally understand the sentiment, but the issue then is that you've become the "doer" of all these things in your household, and no one needs to do anything differently to help you - you just make it happen. Some of these responsibilities, at least, need to be shared with the other members of your household. It isn't fair or healthy to have to carry that load alone.

    If B reacts negatively to any perceived criticism in the moment, is it possible to write her a letter, telling her that you just feel overwhelmed, that you think you need a better balance of chores and household tasks? Can you make a plan together of who takes on which tasks? (I don't know how ADHD manifests for her, so I don't know the best way to approach it.) Is there a way to get your three kids on board? I feel like it's appropriate to expect kids to put their own projects and toys away, but B also needs to be on board with setting up structure and boundaries for the household - it can't be all just you, especially if she disagrees or starts waffling and nothing ends up actually changing. But I also don't think B will be able to "hear" you until she is out of panic mode and into a little bit of a more stable place internally. So - if at all possible, I echo the idea of therapy for B, relationship counseling for both of you, and someone with knowledge of neurodivergence and ADHD would probably help a lot, if you can swing it. But I encourage you to think of yourself as a member of your household, where a bunch of things need doing, and the load should be shared among the household's members - these are not solely your responsibilities, and it's unfair for you to have to do them all. (Can you also set a "timer" at night for B's venting? Just set up an alarm, give her 15 minutes, and you agree to stop once the timer dings? Starting to assert some space for yourself is going to be necessary, I think, and getting her to acknowledge that there's no space for you is going to be important. Even using an objective device like a timer might help her see just how much time she is taking from you without you having to say the words out loud.)

    Lastly - in regards to the wedding afterparty and people telling you what has to be done and on their schedule - unless they're paying for it, the only people you really need to listen to are yourselves. If you find that people are making too many demands, or insisting that something must be done a certain way, you can politely ignore them, directly tell them no, or just skip the party completely...maybe have another get together some other time. But it sounds like you haven't gotten far in planning it, and so there won't be much harm done in postponing it indefinitely. Weddings can be exhausting and expensive, but if you're finding that the whole party aspect is becoming an additional stress, i think you're old enough to just say "nah, maybe later." You do not have to make everyone else happy! Do what you need to do for yourself and your family.

    I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time, but it's understandable to see how you got to this place. I think it's also possible to get back out together, but I think you need a little bit of help. I wish you all the best, and that you and B especially can find a way forward together.

    2 votes

  2. Comment on I let my wife have an affair. Do I have to console her now that it’s over? in ~life

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    I find the same thing, and for people in my family, I "curate" information about my problems at home so that they don't get a particular incorrect impression about my spouse. My spouse actually...

    I find the same thing, and for people in my family, I "curate" information about my problems at home so that they don't get a particular incorrect impression about my spouse. My spouse actually reacts this way with friends of mine, where if I'm traveling with a friend and vent to him back home, he gets very upset on my behalf and tends to develop overly negative perceptions! They rarely meet, so I don't really care, but sometimes I think about whether I do want to vent to him.

    I'm lucky that I have friends and in-laws who know me and/or my spouse well, and so if I want to have a real heart to heart, they know him well enough not to judge him overly much, but still give me good and supportive feedback.

    7 votes

  3. Comment on I let my wife have an affair. Do I have to console her now that it’s over? in ~life

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    I think this is the crux of the issue, and the original question misses an important dimension. I would guess that if they intend to stay together, they need to talk it out, including the hurt the...

    I think this is the crux of the issue, and the original question misses an important dimension. I would guess that if they intend to stay together, they need to talk it out, including the hurt the letter writer initially felt, and whether they want to actually stay together. I think "consoling", if you still care about someone who also caused you hurt, can be as simple as "I'm sad to see you so upset, but I'm not sad your relationship with someone else is over. Here are things I can do to help, and here are things I can't do." (I personally have felt simultaneous sadness and relief with events in my marriage, and my spouse knows I'm relieved at his expense - it's not like it's a secret, but I also don't go out of my way to crow victory.) Caring about your partner's feelings is an important aspect to a relationship, and if you don't feel anything but relief when watching them suffering, that's probably quite telling.

    If the letter writer feels upset that their wife cheated on them and they're not able to talk about or move past that - which seems rather common - feeling like they "have to" console their cheating wife is just another example of being a doormat to someone else's feelings and never standing up for yourself. Not to mention that feeling as though you "allowed" your spouse to have fun and now are being forced to make them feel better just feels like a recipe for insurmountable resentment...it sounds like they need to do a better job of articulating boundaries and communicating.

    8 votes

  4. Comment on Matt Damon says Netflix wants movies to restate the 'plot three or four times in the dialogue' because viewers are on 'their phones while they're watching' in ~movies

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    I do think there's a difference though between the Netflix shows, as has been described in detail in this thread - which may literally repeat plot points verbatim because the viewers aren't paying...

    I do think there's a difference though between the Netflix shows, as has been described in detail in this thread - which may literally repeat plot points verbatim because the viewers aren't paying attention - vs. particular thoughts or ideas being explored as a premise of a show. I don't really see the former in something like Severance, I think of the central conflict between Innies and Outies to be a philosophical one - are they the same? How about now? Is someone to blame for this specific situation? What about this one?

    I do watch a bit of reality TV, and I think that can be on the extreme end of repetition, but it's been interesting to see where other non-reality shows fall on the spectrum.

    1 vote

  5. Comment on Matt Damon says Netflix wants movies to restate the 'plot three or four times in the dialogue' because viewers are on 'their phones while they're watching' in ~movies

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    I haven't watched Pluribus, but it's interesting to me that despite it being very straightforward, people in the fandom are still confused about particular topics with potentially obvious answers....

    I haven't watched Pluribus, but it's interesting to me that despite it being very straightforward, people in the fandom are still confused about particular topics with potentially obvious answers. If Netflix is trying to cater to everyone, even if they're only half paying attention while scrolling their phone, do other platforms intentionally try to solicit more complicated stories? I never really thought about it. Severance wouldn't work if they were forced to reiterate the plot repeatedly, but I don't know how different it would look if it were on another platform.

    1 vote

  6. Comment on Matt Damon says Netflix wants movies to restate the 'plot three or four times in the dialogue' because viewers are on 'their phones while they're watching' in ~movies

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    Meanwhile, the Severance fandom is obsessively combing through stills from each episode to accompany their latest theory on Kier and Lumon! I'm often genuinely impressed with what they figure out,...

    Meanwhile, the Severance fandom is obsessively combing through stills from each episode to accompany their latest theory on Kier and Lumon! I'm often genuinely impressed with what they figure out, but as a filthy casual, it can be a lot.

    8 votes

  7. Comment on Casper Ruud beats Marin Čilić, progressing to the fourth round of the 2026 Australian Open – first time Grand Slam in the Open Era that a fourth round consists solely of seeded players in ~sports

    cheep_cheep
    Link
    ...funnily enough, despite the high rankings of the players, all of the men's matches were 3-0 straight set victories yesterday. Hoping for some closer matches today! (The women also mostly were...

    ...funnily enough, despite the high rankings of the players, all of the men's matches were 3-0 straight set victories yesterday. Hoping for some closer matches today! (The women also mostly were straight set victories, but felt more competitive. Putintseva was unseeded, so her destruction isn't a total surprise, but I dunno what excuse Medvedev and Bublik have.)

    2 votes

  8. Comment on The Dark Tower Wizard in Glass, is the second half better? in ~books

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    It's interesting - I've read a lot of Stephen King, and he writes a lot of weird shit, often involving horrific abuse of people who don't deserve it. I actually do appreciate his less-edited work...

    It's interesting - I've read a lot of Stephen King, and he writes a lot of weird shit, often involving horrific abuse of people who don't deserve it. I actually do appreciate his less-edited work (like The Stand), because even if some parts of the work get sloggy or seem gratuitous, I usually find the payoff pretty good, and I find that he describes complicated characters really well. I found Under the Dome to be needlessly cruel and awful at times, as well as The Stand and It, but the only time it really was too much for me was Gerald's Game. But I do get it! He is definitely not always at his best.

    I wonder how you'll like the rest of the Dark Tower series, if you end up reading it - he took a long hiatus between 4 and 5, and I found the writing and tone to be quite different from 5 onward. I don't remember how I felt about Wizard and Glass immediately after reading it, but I personally view it as a fairly special part of the series now, having finished the original septology. I'm actually surprised how many people in this thread dislike it! I've literally never heard any criticism about it before today. Just needed the right group, I guess!

    1 vote

  9. Comment on The Dark Tower Wizard in Glass, is the second half better? in ~books

    cheep_cheep
    Link
    I think Wizard and Glass is a love it or hate it kind of book. I love it, especially because you get a good look at young Roland, Cuthbert, and Alain, and the things that happen in this specific...

    I think Wizard and Glass is a love it or hate it kind of book. I love it, especially because you get a good look at young Roland, Cuthbert, and Alain, and the things that happen in this specific story haunt Roland for the rest of his life. There is some metaplot-related stuff in this book, especially toward the end and with Black Thirteen - you might be able to skip to the last 100 pages or so? I personally loved all the lore related to the Wizard's Rainbow, as well as the interactions with the "original" ka-tet, but I respect that it's not for everyone. Depends on how much you value backstory and setting (which for me is a lot, but YMMV).

    3 votes

  10. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    Oh no, I'm so sorry for your loss. First things - does your work offer bereavement leave? I've had a couple of employers that offer up to five days, and that might give you a little bit of time to...

    Oh no, I'm so sorry for your loss. First things - does your work offer bereavement leave? I've had a couple of employers that offer up to five days, and that might give you a little bit of time to process and grieve before you have to think about work. Is counseling something that might be available to you right now? This is one of those really dire situations where it might be good to talk to a professional, just to help you sort out your feelings, because you have so, so many things to deal with.

    I know nothing about custody laws or arrangements, so - if your family is nearby, can you spend some time with them instead of at home? (Even if it's just during the day, so you don't look like you're abandoning your home?) I think having someone trusted and who knew your stepbrother can give you a kind of landing point, and you can focus on the immediate unexpected pain in your life. They may not have time and energy to talk with you often, but I would encourage you to have contact with people who can help - I think anyone who knows you well will be aware of your situation, and will want to do what they can to support you at such a difficult time. I would encourage you to take care of yourself here as much as possible - breakups and death are two of the most difficult and stressful experiences that people can experience, and you are juggling both right now - so, give yourself some grace! This is really, really hard, and my heart goes out to you and your family.

    As for your relationship - I feel like talking with a lawyer or other professional will be important, but hopefully you feel like you have some safe areas at home where you can be alone and feel unbothered. It might be helpful to let your partner know that you are really devastated and just need some space for a few days, and to just give you some time to work through it. And perhaps if you can ask them to minimize any new additions or crises that you are expected to take care of, you just can't right now. I hope they have enough care and compassion for you that they will try to support you, even if it's from afar.

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to feel safe and respected.

    1 vote

  11. Comment on What's a culture shock that you experienced? in ~talk

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    People are still aggressively friendly in Atlantic Canada! (And the eternal "they're five meters away, should I hold the door open and rush them, or pretend I don't see them and let the door close...

    People are still aggressively friendly in Atlantic Canada! (And the eternal "they're five meters away, should I hold the door open and rush them, or pretend I don't see them and let the door close but risk judgment for not holding the door?" still applies :) )

  12. Comment on What's a culture shock that you experienced? in ~talk

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    I wonder if this is a generational thing. When going to grade school, I was constantly scrutinized (by parents, teachers, and administrators) over what I wore and told that I had to follow...

    I wonder if this is a generational thing. When going to grade school, I was constantly scrutinized (by parents, teachers, and administrators) over what I wore and told that I had to follow standards at all times. When I went to university, the adults all disappeared and we were allowed to dress however we wanted, which was an immense freedom, as silly as that might sound. I regularly went to the cafeteria with friends wearing my most outrageous pajama pants (which were always relatively clean, at least), and no one was obviously offended. I've carried this into my adult life - I dress up for work and for presentations, where I want people to take me seriously, but if I'm running to the grocery store at 10 pm for a last minute item, why on earth should I dress up? Who am I trying to impress? I'm just trying to get some eggs. If it's clean, who cares?

    I will note too that I always wear "presentable" pajamas or leisure wear - no obvious stains or rips or holes. My husband, on the other hand, has far less judgement and will wear ripped and stained (clean!) clothes in public, much to my irritation. So I think there's a sliding scale by person, but I like that people can wear what they want when out and about in the world. (And the pandemic also made me feel like I can wear more comfortable pants in my day to day life, which I view as one of the few major wins of that period - why wear tight jeans that you have to secretly unbutton after eating? To make others like you? Yeah, no.)

    6 votes

  13. Comment on Struggling in my relationship in ~life

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    Yikes, I'm sorry things have escalated again. With regard to the kitten, do you feel like this was a choice that they made from an entirely selfish, out of touch place, or do you think there was a...

    Yikes, I'm sorry things have escalated again. With regard to the kitten, do you feel like this was a choice that they made from an entirely selfish, out of touch place, or do you think there was a degree of vindictiveness toward you? In a "how dare anyone try and limit what I'm allowed to do or have in my own house!" way? It's unfair to you and to the cat that they are going to be brought to a place where they really shouldn't be - is there any way that you can not add the kitten to your household? Can you talk to the friend and warn them about the situation?

    I think you're right that it's time to have a talk, a real talk about what the future looks like. In a functional relationship, I would put the kitten situation in my dealbreaker list - it's completely inappropriate to 1) add more animals to the house without asking you, and 2) ignore the needs of your menagerie, both financially and in terms of care. I find this behaviour really troubling. I know in the past you've had difficulty getting them to even engage with you in a conversation at all, so I really hope you can get some clarity.

    I think too it might be time to start thinking about an exit strategy for yourself. I don't think your partner really respects you, from many of the things you've said, and it's not fair to you to be the sole scaffolding holding everything up. You have a right to be comfortable and to choose the stressors in your life, and they seem to completely fail to acknowledge your existence, or to blame you entirely as the source of any problems that arise. That's outrageous. I have a sneaking suspicion that they have no exit strategy, and no desire to even think about it - what does that mean for you? Are you willing to continue to live in this household and try to clean up as many messes as you can? For how long? What do you need from them, if it's possible to live in the same house? If you are planning a separation?

    I'm not sure if making a list of questions or concerns and sending it to them ahead of any discussion might be helpful, but I think for your own sanity it might be time to start writing those things out for yourself. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it sounds intensely lonely and difficult. I am rooting for you and for better days soon. Remember: you are not small, you have a voice, and feelings, and those are worthy of being heard and valued. You are powerful, even if you don't feel that way right now. You will get through this, but it's ok to feel sad and small - just know that you are also much more powerful than you feel right now, and you owe it to your future self to do the best you can for you, and for your kids. If a good friend were in your shoes now, what would you tell them?

    5 votes

  14. Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    I took a long break for holiday visits, but I have officially sent the key to Humankind! Enjoy :)

    I took a long break for holiday visits, but I have officially sent the key to Humankind! Enjoy :)

    1 vote

  15. Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    Apologies for the delay - I've sent two keys via PM! Unfortunately Fashion Police Squad is an Epic key, and redemption for those is a pain in the bum. Good luck with the ADHD meds - I have a good...

    Apologies for the delay - I've sent two keys via PM! Unfortunately Fashion Police Squad is an Epic key, and redemption for those is a pain in the bum. Good luck with the ADHD meds - I have a good friend who was recently diagnosed as an adult, and even just that knowledge has helped her understand herself a lot better. Happy New Year!

  16. Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    Sorry for the long delay - I did some digging and it looks like the only way it would work would be by linking your Epic account to my Humble account (which is already linked to my Epic account),...

    Sorry for the long delay - I did some digging and it looks like the only way it would work would be by linking your Epic account to my Humble account (which is already linked to my Epic account), and I'm not sure how much personal information you would need to share with me. There's no other way to transfer it, unfortunately, and there's not even via a gifting option, which seems like a missed opportunity. I'll remove that one from the list - apologies! Let me know if there's anything else on there that might be interesting to you.

  17. Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    Keys sent! That's a fun pasttime, and useful! I have a hard time keeping up with language learning, so good luck in the new year on your language journey. Do you have a favourite word or phrase...

    Keys sent!

    That's a fun pasttime, and useful! I have a hard time keeping up with language learning, so good luck in the new year on your language journey. Do you have a favourite word or phrase that you've learned?

    1 vote

  18. Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    Absolutely! Key sent. I hope your dad recovers quickly, and that he has a good support team around him to help him on his recovery journey!

    Absolutely! Key sent. I hope your dad recovers quickly, and that he has a good support team around him to help him on his recovery journey!

    1 vote

  19. Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    This was one of my favourite giveaways I've seen for amusement purposes! I also loved the translations you listed (plus "We Are Still Children" for "We Are The Dwarves"...I think they'd be rather...

    This was one of my favourite giveaways I've seen for amusement purposes! I also loved the translations you listed (plus "We Are Still Children" for "We Are The Dwarves"...I think they'd be rather offended). I am a bit disappointed that "The Power of Cake" was not, in fact, about cake!

    I would love your copy of Sticky Business (Serious Matter, #93) if it is still available! Many thanks to you for your generosity and for providing a good brain twister for the holidays.

    1 vote

  20. Comment on Tildes Game Giveaway: Holiday 2025 in ~games

    cheep_cheep
    Link Parent
    Absolutely! I was worried no one would be interested in an old F1 game, but I'm glad it has found a home with you. And I will be greedy on your behalf, and hope that you get your gender-affirming...

    Absolutely! I was worried no one would be interested in an old F1 game, but I'm glad it has found a home with you. And I will be greedy on your behalf, and hope that you get your gender-affirming surgery and get engaged, with minimal financial burden!

    1 vote