cheep_cheep's recent activity
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Comment on How important is sexual chemistry/ability/quality to you when you date/marry/whatever? in ~life
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Comment on Plans for nearly 4,000 homes over Safeways divide Bay Area residents in ~finance
cheep_cheep Link ParentI wouldn't be surprised if Oakland was cheaper than SF, but SF was cheaper than the three cities closest to my place of work :)I wouldn't be surprised if Oakland was cheaper than SF, but SF was cheaper than the three cities closest to my place of work :)
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Comment on Plans for nearly 4,000 homes over Safeways divide Bay Area residents in ~finance
cheep_cheep LinkI lived in the East Bay for awhile, and had to leave because I couldn't afford to live there on my salary (without a very long commute or multiple roommates). I don't know what the rent control...I lived in the East Bay for awhile, and had to leave because I couldn't afford to live there on my salary (without a very long commute or multiple roommates). I don't know what the rent control laws are exactly, but SF proper always had better affordability than my corner of the East Bay, and the San Mateo area wasn't that bonkers, either. (Relatively speaking.). I think more housing is almost certainly a good thing, but I fear that the locations of where the Safeway housing is going to be implemented are likely already in the less stupid neighbourhoods, whereas the stupid neighbourhoods will continue to be stupid. (I.e., my commute still would be unworkable.). I do hope they try to make good units, though, the city in general could definitely use them!
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Comment on How important is sexual chemistry/ability/quality to you when you date/marry/whatever? in ~life
cheep_cheep Link ParentThanks for sharing your experiences - this is such a good example of how to be a supportive and conscientious partner even during casual sex. You are a good egg.Thanks for sharing your experiences - this is such a good example of how to be a supportive and conscientious partner even during casual sex. You are a good egg.
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Comment on How important is sexual chemistry/ability/quality to you when you date/marry/whatever? in ~life
cheep_cheep Link ParentPerhaps the distinction the other commentors are making is that a "skillset" means more than a set of objective physical behaviours (rhythm, stamina, agility, and positioning), and that it's...Perhaps the distinction the other commentors are making is that a "skillset" means more than a set of objective physical behaviours (rhythm, stamina, agility, and positioning), and that it's actually highly subjective. What I consider a good skillset is less about angles and stamina and more about listening skills, creativity, and patience.
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Comment on How important is sexual chemistry/ability/quality to you when you date/marry/whatever? in ~life
cheep_cheep LinkThere's no single answer to "how important is sex to a relationship?". You may find that it varies with the person, with your age, or with the kind of relationship you're looking for. I'm happily...There's no single answer to "how important is sex to a relationship?". You may find that it varies with the person, with your age, or with the kind of relationship you're looking for. I'm happily married now, but the things I wanted (or, perhaps, thought I wanted) when I was in my 20s are not at all the things I want now. The things I look for in a partner are not the same, the way I want to spend my time is not the same, and the amount of time and effort I want to spend in the bedroom is way less now. My teens/20s were like an adventure, and going to a party felt like an opportunity to see what "flavours" were available to try. When I got married, I thought "thank goodness I (hopefully) never have to teach another dude how my body works, or have to argue with him about why the way his last girlfriend worked/what works in porn doesn't work for me". I found my vanilla and I'm very happy with my choice!
I'm sure there are women out there who are delighted to spend 1-2+ hours having sex (as in, penetration), but I don't think I was ever someone with that kind of stamina unless there were frequent breaks, and most of my lady friends are similar to me. Pop culture seems to insist that you should be going "all night long", but to me that sounds like a good way to get a rash and start chafing! I don't know your typical way of figuring out the sexual repertoire of a new partner, but a couple of things to consider: many women are not encouraged to figure out what brings them pleasure, and most women can't orgasm from PIV alone. So what may seem to you like "bad dancing" may actually be someone trying to find the right groove for themselves. Communication is always the most important step to success. Make sure you ask "what do you like?" Or "how can I do this better?". Ask them to show you the speed, rhythm, and location of how they want to be touched. It helps a lot. A lot of your issues may not even be skill or compatibility issues, just communication. Or maybe you're right and they just are totally incompatible with you. You'll learn more if you try to figure out what they like best. Good luck!
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Comment on Are there any video games that are/were popular in your country, that the rest of the world hardly knows about? in ~games
cheep_cheep (edited )LinkAmerican here. Thinking back to my childhood, there were a few games that were very big in my community, but I have no idea how popular they were more broadly. We had a few games available on...American here. Thinking back to my childhood, there were a few games that were very big in my community, but I have no idea how popular they were more broadly. We had a few games available on school computers in Basic that someone (?) must have loaded on there, there was a Final Fantasy style game and a Worms style game, but the most popular was Nibbles/Snake. If I was in a computer lab and finished work early, Nibbles was the go-to game.
A lot of people in my middle school got really into Candystand minigolf, and I feel like there were one or two other popular games from there, but alas, I'm too old and don't remember anymore. I had a few friends get really into Neopets but that was fairly niche I think. I got really into the Bionicle online games, too, but I don't remember how I found them.
I had a few friends in college that got really into Homestar Runner, from which I found Peasant's Quest...but I don't know how popular that one was, either!
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Comment on "The therapeutic industry is platonic prostitution" in ~health.mental
cheep_cheep LinkThanks for sharing your perspective. I disagree with a lot of it, but reading through your unhappiness and your anguish, something that might be helpful to you is the perspective of why someone...Thanks for sharing your perspective. I disagree with a lot of it, but reading through your unhappiness and your anguish, something that might be helpful to you is the perspective of why someone who cares about you might suggest therapy, instead of trying to be there to listen.
I was once a teenage girl, and I would spend many hours on the phone with friends. I don't even remember what we talked about, but we had a talk circle, listening to each others' struggles and being as supportive as we could. In my adult life, I try to be supportive to friends in a similar way, but with my own responsibilities, traumas, and introversion, I have neither the time nor the energy to immerse myself in all of the dramas of my friends' lives, even when I want to. We settle for an hour or two every couple weeks, because it takes a lot of time and energy to help someone sift through their emotions, and if I'm going to listen, I want to be mentally present. It's insulting to a friend if I can't be there as fully as I can, but I'm not 14 anymore, and I can't devote my whole life to my friends in that same way.
For you in particular, it stood out to me that you felt very frustrated with only an hour with your therapist every two weeks, that things had changed so significantly in that time that you had too much to talk about, especially if they couldn't keep track of what you said last time. For me, as someone who has sought out therapy multiple times for the same awful period in my life...this struck me as an unusual amount of turmoil for one's life. When I make time for friends, there might be new issues, but often they relate to a central theme or two (bad relationship, personal misery, grief, health issues, etc). If they had so many new issues in two weeks that the whole situation had changed, I think I would feel very overwhelmed, and perhaps suggest professional help simply because I do not have the emotional bandwidth to even begin to engage with so many things. Handling my own issues is hard, and shouldering the burdens of another can be difficult, especially if you're really trying to be present for them, and they have deep, difficult problems. I will very gently suggest to you that the amount of time a close friend would need to help you work through your emotions may be rather large, and thus difficult for them to tackle regularly. Not because they don't care, or you're not close. But because it's a lot for a second person to take on purely out of love or caring. That's why the profession can be so helpful. The main post you made took you many hours to prepare - that's a lot on your mind, and I imagine it barely scratches the surface of all the things you're thinking and feeling. I think it's very likely then that friends and family might be feeling overwhelmed with the wide breadth of your unhappiness. That's not a condemnation of you, I'm trying to understand the magnitude of trouble you experience and the difficulty you've had getting friends and family to helpfully engage.
The other thing to consider is the type of help you need. I feel very good at chatting about relationship drama, burnout, imposter syndrome, disappointment, malaise, and confusion. There are some things that are "over my pay grade": I had friends with openly abusive parents, suicidal thoughts, and who were self-harming. A family member once spiraled into a tirade after experiencing sexual assault, making connections between childhood trauma with their current brokenness. These are not things I have any good knowledge of, and there's a very real chance that any "advice" I provide could cause irreparable harm. If you have any situations that are sensitive like this, it could be that your friends and family are afraid of causing you further harm, and thus are suggesting a professional to help guide you through these difficult times carefully. I would feel absolutely rotten if I triggered a violent episode for a friend. That's the last thing I want to do to them.
Whatever your personal circumstances, I hear your frustration. I will also share that as someone who tries to be there for friends, some people are easier to do that for than others, and it sounds like there are a lot of things that are causing you trouble, and which your loved ones may perceive as over their "pay grade". Think, too: do you ask about them? Do you have good quality time together? Or do you primarily ask them for help? I know that I have some friends that are great listeners and it's easy to reach out when I have a problem, but I have to remind myself that their energy is a gift, not an unlimited resource. I've had to cut off friends that treated me as an information receptacle instead of a person. I do hope you're able to find a space where you feel you can be heard and get the help you need, and perhaps taking up the offers of people in this thread who want to be your listener is a good first step. Good luck.
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
cheep_cheep Link ParentAs someone who has been in relationships with people I loved but from whom I also desperately needed space, it took me a long time to undo my social conditioning to put men before myself. I'm also...As someone who has been in relationships with people I loved but from whom I also desperately needed space, it took me a long time to undo my social conditioning to put men before myself. I'm also really introverted, and I have met men who get offended if I need time and space to myself, which exacerbated the feelings that I needed to put myself second, even when I was feeling increasingly strained. In some cases I didn't even notice that burden until I just broke down crying in a public place (which is very embarrassing). It may be that your girlfriend was never encouraged or felt able to assert her boundaries, and even at my age I still feel a lot of friction when I do. (I just don't care anymore, and I was lucky to find a spouse who lets me be myself. One of the benefits of age...)
One thing I noticed in some comments from this thread is that your girlfriend had medical issues that put her in a vulnerable place when you first moved in, and you are someone where doting on another is a sign of love and respect. I think it's possible that this dynamic - where she was in an inferior position and you like to visibly do acts of service for others - may have made her uncomfortable from the start, but she didn't feel able to say anything, especially since you were doing such a nice thing! Sometimes, especially as an introvert, people doing me favours feels like the worst thing in the world, especially if all I want is to be alone, dumb, and selfish. It's incredibly taxing to have to perform gratefulness, and I often prefer that people ignore me until I'm ready to deal with it, like a small woodland creature. It's hard to explain. I may be projecting, but so many of the things you've written remind me of myself from an outside perspective, especially when I was younger, and I do wonder if a lot of your base incompatibility is an introvert-extravert thing.
I think your heart is in the right place, but I feel like there's perhaps a fundamental incompatibility here, where you know the things that you want and your girlfriend really doesn't. If you decide to move on, I hope you find someone who is as enthusiastically into you as you are into them, you have the same attachment style, and you both feel able to assert your boundaries confidently.
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
cheep_cheep Link ParentSeconding therapy. This information plus the fact that you went from online dating to moving in together full-time sounds like everything was too much for your girlfriend, especially if this was...Seconding therapy. This information plus the fact that you went from online dating to moving in together full-time sounds like everything was too much for your girlfriend, especially if this was her first serious relationship. I think the most important thing for you to do is move out and back waaaaaaaay off, give your girlfriend space to think things over and go to therapy.
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Comment on My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do? in ~life
cheep_cheep Link ParentThis is what stood out to me, too. Your girlfriend never had a serious relationship previously, and you went from online dating to moving in? I don't know how old she is, but I can completely see...- Exemplary
This is what stood out to me, too. Your girlfriend never had a serious relationship previously, and you went from online dating to moving in? I don't know how old she is, but I can completely see how a woman with no serious dating experience suddenly has a new and intimate roommate with demands, needs, and who never leaves home, and she has no idea how to process this information. There's no time to herself. There's no one else to discuss this new information or these new emotions with. It's just endless new stimuli with nowhere to put them. Of course she feels overwhelmed, and of course she doesn't know what to do, and of course she feels burnt out. This isn't to cast judgement or blame you for this, but I think this one detail is the crux of all your current problems.
As far as I know, I'm not on the autism spectrum, but I do remember in my early dating days that I felt very much like I needed to put any long-term partner before my own needs. I would frequently burn myself out, and realize only later that by accommodating someone else before me, I didn't take the time to take care of myself, and it contributed to the collapse of those relationships. I figured it out as I got older, but this pattern was true for me even when I had my own space. Your girlfriend does not! I can't even imagine what that must feel like. I think regardless of what happens in your relationship, if you intend to salvage anything, you must move out and give her space. Weeks of space at least. Don't "drop by" to check in. Don't to nice things for her. Just move out and give her a lot of space. Let her get back to a normal and stable emotional state. Let her go to therapy and work through her feelings. If she's anywhere like I was when I was at the breaking point, there is nothing you can do to fix things except get far away, and let her do her healing on her own. Any input - positive or negative - feels like a burden, and she has to have a full reset and recalibration to be back in good working order. She is not datable right now, and you being around, even to help, is not a good idea. She needs space.
If she eventually is open to friendship or dating, I would take it very, very slowly. Meet somewhere in public for a short meetup. Go home alone. If she eventually feels comfortable inviting you over, go home afterwards. I think if she misses you and wants you back in her life, it might feel very easy to try and pick up where you left off and "return to normal". The problem is that your "normal" did not work for her, she didn't know how to tell you, and you need to make a new "normal", one where she has time and space to process and figure out how she's feeling. If you want to be kind and supportive to her, give her all the space. This sounds like a really difficult situation, but I hope things work out, even if that only means that you both stay friends. Relationships are hard, especially when you don't have a good baseline of what you're like as a partner.
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Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games
cheep_cheep Link ParentGlad I'm not the only one! I'm at the point where I think a good cheese strat implemented well will do a lot toward making the game playable for me again. I will try it out! Thanks for the suggestion.Glad I'm not the only one! I'm at the point where I think a good cheese strat implemented well will do a lot toward making the game playable for me again. I will try it out! Thanks for the suggestion.
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Comment on May 2026 Backlog Burner: Week 3 Discussion in ~games
cheep_cheep Link ParentI like playing VNs, walking sims, and "traditional" games, as long as they're done well, and a lot can be said for how different player interactions can be immersive. It's cool how some game...I like playing VNs, walking sims, and "traditional" games, as long as they're done well, and a lot can be said for how different player interactions can be immersive. It's cool how some game descriptions seem bland when you read about them, but become much more interesting when you sit down to play them. VNs can suffer from bad plot, bad writing, and bad art, and I probably have less tolerance for a bad VN than other genres, but a good VN is pretty magical. Good VN characters often have a lot of depth and I remember them far longer.
Analogue is a memorable VN - a lot of the interface/context is unique, and way the story is gradually revealed was very satisfying for me. I remember being so captivated that I still remember where/when I was when I read it, and that's pretty high praise considering my memory these days. It's not a long game, but very memorable.
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Comment on May 2026 Backlog Burner: Week 3 Discussion in ~games
cheep_cheep Link ParentI'm honoured by the recognition. I'm so happy my collecting of unwanted game keys has brought you joy! Meanwhile, my backlog only gets larger as I foolishly chose to play two epic trilogy RPGs at...I'm honoured by the recognition. I'm so happy my collecting of unwanted game keys has brought you joy! Meanwhile, my backlog only gets larger as I foolishly chose to play two epic trilogy RPGs at the same time, while also working full-time. D'oh! I'm the meantime, I'm having a great time reading about all of your adventures! Thanks for sharing.
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Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games
cheep_cheep Link ParentI made the same realization about summons! Once I realized that spell cooldowns were so punishing, I went all in on minions, and that did help a lot. I also try to make sure party members have...I made the same realization about summons! Once I realized that spell cooldowns were so punishing, I went all in on minions, and that did help a lot. I also try to make sure party members have ranged attacks as much as possible, because if they get surrounded it's going to be a bad time. AOE attacks are also essential, but usually have cooldowns.
I can't remember what they're called, but the trio of bosses you fight on the first map, whom you defeat and then you fight as undead versions of themselves - I think I'm several levels higher than them, and I walked into the arena and my entire party got one-shot before the battle even started. That was my ragequit moment, and I'm still a bit salty! But generally I love many aspects of the game, especially all the extra information and flavour text from talking with animals, the cats in town and the obnoxious rooster were both awesome. I feel like it might be helpful for me to read a character skill guide, but honestly I just want to play the game and figure it out without turning the difficulty down, but we're at the point where I'm not actively playing it, so maybe I just need to get over it and make it easier to play. I think I'll try to finish one of my other RPGs first and come back to it.
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Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games
cheep_cheep Link ParentI got partway through Divinity and I ragequit temporarily because boss combat seemed unnecessarily difficult, it was stressing me out and I've since gotten distracted by other things. I find the...I got partway through Divinity and I ragequit temporarily because boss combat seemed unnecessarily difficult, it was stressing me out and I've since gotten distracted by other things. I find the game really fun to play otherwise! I did find the crafting pretty satisfying, I made a couple of weapons that were superior to what I could buy, as well as additional craftable items, and I just liked to discover new recipes generally. I found too during combat that sometimes if I clicked near an enemy but not exactly on them (which could be hard to tell depending on how much crap was on the field), I would move next to the enemy instead of attacking with no way to cancel, and that was contributing to my frustration. Glad to hear you're progressing, though! Is there anything in particular about the game that stands out to you, or any particular questlines you've enjoyed? I'm trying to motivate myself to return to it.
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Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games
cheep_cheep LinkI've finally gotten around to playing Mass Effect 3 (Legendary Edition), and I've spent about 35 hours so far in my first playthrough. Initially I was very excited about the return of old...I've finally gotten around to playing Mass Effect 3 (Legendary Edition), and I've spent about 35 hours so far in my first playthrough. Initially I was very excited about the return of old characters, more choices in gun options and mods (compared to ME2), and the return of real sidequests (even if it's just scanning planets sometimes - it's still less annoying than ME2 and I'm still happy that Batarian guy in the Citadel was so moved). I don't like that missions can be missed, but I've got a guide up and I'm slowly making my way toward the Tuchanka plot-centric mission. A former roommate played the original back when it released and so I have a pretty good idea of what's coming (including the ending), but so far I've really enjoyed it. Grunt's cameo was awesome, the character interactions on Sur'Kesh were great, and I love Javik. I wonder how people feel about the series now - I hate shooters and I'm currently playing on casual to avoid the shooty gun tedium, but I like the series a lot. Once the galaxy opens up to exploration, the game is fantastic.
I'm also trying to do a full trilogy run of the Witcher, currently replaying The Witcher 2. I played the first two during COVID and really loved them, and since I bought Witcher 3 finally I'm trying to give myself three differently-aligned Geralts for the finale. One place that ME is superior to Witcher is the save selection screen - ME is great about letting you know which is which, whereas in Witcher you have to guess a bit, and this has led to me picking the wrong save twice now, and I'm replaying chapter 1 for the third time. (I accidentally killed Siegfried in one playthrough and you're forced to kill him in one route, so I really want him to be alive for 3). The game is beautiful, though, and I've gotten so used to the controls that it's flying by pretty quickly, and I'm actually appreciating the game more. It has most everything I like - well-developed characters, excellent sidequests (including some very silly ones, and many that do not require combat (unlike ME, where most involve shooting things with guns or scanning planets)), excellent loot options, and quite a lot of customization on gameplay. In Witcher 1 Igni is massively overpowered and destroys mooks with ease around Chapter 3 if you level it right, and although it's not quite as OP here, it's still pretty powerful if you spec yourself right. I think Witcher 1 was a little more fun and creative in the potion/oil department, but enhancements are a good addition in 2 and allow a lot of different approaches to specialization. (And, of course the soundtrack is incredible in both games.)
I might load some of my chiller farmy games like Harvest Moon or No Man's Sky, but so far I've been too sucked into the world-ending drama to relax.
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Comment on May 2026 Backlog Burner: Week 1 Discussion in ~games
cheep_cheep Link ParentThat's the best news I've heard all week! Enjoy, and you are always welcome to any future keys I have available for giveaways :)That's the best news I've heard all week! Enjoy, and you are always welcome to any future keys I have available for giveaways :)
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Comment on Why so many people are going "no contact" with their parents in ~life
cheep_cheep Link ParentThanks for the kind words. It's very frustrating, isn't it, when you see someone who needs help and you understand how they got there, but they refuse to do a thing that will probably make them...Thanks for the kind words. It's very frustrating, isn't it, when you see someone who needs help and you understand how they got there, but they refuse to do a thing that will probably make them feel better in the long run? I really wish my sibling would allow themselves to get help, but emotions are "icky" for them. It means though that they're stuck, and that lingering trauma can't be discussed and healed, because they won't let anyone touch it.
This conversation has made me reflect on my childhood and some of our family relationships, so it is a bit like free therapy! And I think both of our family situations illustrate your exact point: children experience abuse differently, and sometimes the cascades of that abuse can manifest so that one sibling may receive more direct harm from a crappy parent, but a different sibling ultimately is much worse off from the indirect effects that abuse had on family dynamics (and the development of boundaries, coping mechanism, and self-worth).
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Comment on Why so many people are going "no contact" with their parents in ~life
cheep_cheep Link ParentI hear you and I totally agree that siblings frequently get treated very differently, and the abuse that one child sees may be very different from what another child sees. I really appreciate that...I hear you and I totally agree that siblings frequently get treated very differently, and the abuse that one child sees may be very different from what another child sees. I really appreciate that you shared all the details of your specific situation - it shows just how complicated and person-specific abuse can manifest, even in one family.
Without getting too in the weeds on my own situation, my sibling has been very open about their grievances with our parents; their primary trauma came from a psychotic episode from our abusive parent, and my sibling did not get much support at the time from our non-abusive parent. The non-abusive parent wasn't at home and afterwards was uncommunicative about what had happened, and my sibling felt deeply neglected. There are layers to this story, but my sibling's reaction has been to blame our non-abusive parent for neglect and to nurse that grievance for decades, when my perspective is that our non-abusive parent had suffered the most abuse at the hands of our abusive parent, which my sibling has zero empathy for. (Meanwhile, our abusive parent was emotionally and mentally abusive to me and others in our household, which my sibling never acknowledges...probably because they are my abusive parent's golden child. No one's abuse matters but theirs, and they never discuss our abusive parent in that way.)
I think perhaps the disconnect is that your post reads like "why is everyone so much worse at sex than me?", which is a little bit funny because you've described yourself as being inexperienced. Some of your descriptions of your problems sound like "I try to do something that my partner isn't into, it must be their fault" instead of "maybe I'm not paying enough attention to what my partner likes, which is why we aren't having great sex.". Are you certain it's entirely their fault? :)