Advice on 6 year old's trantrums?
tl;dr - Is it normal for 6 year olds to randomly start throwing massive tantrums. My son up to this point has been very mild mannered and not prone to getting upset. But the last few weeks have been insane.
My son (6) has been going through something that is just really challenging the heck out of me. It started a few weeks ago when we were getting ready to leave for trip to visit family a few states away. He complained that his stomach hurt and began sobbing and begging to take a bath. So we accommodated and let him take 3 baths in a single day because we figured he just wasn't feeling well. We scheduled a doctor's appointment and the doctor just suggested a bland diet for a day and see how it plays out. After that he didn't really seem to have any issues, so we went ahead with our trip.
The hours-long drive didn't seem to faze him at all and we arrived safe and sound, despite a heavy rainstorm on the way. Over the course of the trip, every time we tried to drive somewhere to meet up with family, he'd claim he was sick and if we pushed on it, he'd throw a tantrum. Which is very unlike him, to be clear. And anytime we weren't talking about a car ride, he was acting pretty normal. We thought maybe it was anxiety from the drive there? The rainstorm was very intense at times, and I can see how that could be incredibly scary for a kid.
We spent the rest of the trip hyping him up for the drive home. My wife and I both have anxiety disorders, so we tried to help him understand that we knew how he felt and offered some advice (in a 6yo friendly way, to the best of our abilities). We also maintained a relatively bland diet for him in case he actually was feeling sick. But anyway we were absolutely dreading the ride home.
Just getting him and his sister in the car proved to be the absolute worst day of my parenting life. He threw the tantrum of tantrums, which set his sister off and she kept trying to escape from the car. Meanwhile it was 90F+ outside and our car's AC doesn't really kick in until you start driving. I was hot, upset, angry, scared, frustrated and just not operating at peak parental power. There was a lot of yelling, a lot of trying to hold them into their seats so I could buckle them, and all of it obviously just made the situation worse. I really fucked it up and I'm still trying to work through it all.
Long story short, we ended up separating him and his sister, with him driving home with us and his sister driving home with my parents. Once his sister was out of the car, he calmed down and we were able to leave. The plan was to just drive off and get some gas, let them both calm down, then pick her back up.
I had to go on a work trip shortly after that trip, so I was away for most last week. In that time my wife didn't try to take the kids anywhere, for fear of having a repeat incident, but solo and outnumbered by the kids. When I got back I started trying to hype my son up for the car ride to his and his sister's 6th birthday party the next day. He tried to negotiate saying maybe we could just walk instead of drive. I explained, "no it's a short car ride, but we couldn't walk there".
When the time came to take him to the party, he threw a tantrum, but I redirected using my car's remote start fob (he really liked that) and I talked him down a bit. The ride to the party was fine, as was the return trip. Then yesterday we did a trip to Gamestop so he could pick out a birthday present for himself and again the trip both ways was fine (with zero tantrum!). Although he has yet to get in the car with his sister since we got back from our trip a few weeks back and he has specifically called out not wanting to be in the car with her.
BUT the last two nights he's started throwing the exact same type of tantrums at bedtime, claiming he can only sleep in our bed and he's sick and his legs hurt and all these other things. When told no, he screams bloody murder, starts kicking and hitting, and it's really difficult for me to handle that. The tantrums of course set his sister off and then we have two 6yo twins feeding off each other's sadness and anger like two colliding hurricanes.
Is this just normal 6 year old stuff? I know they're still learning to regulate emotions and so maybe that's it? His sister went through something like this a few months ago, but it was exclusively about bedtime. She'd throw massive tantrums at bedtime while he'd just quietly go to bed. So that kind of reinforces that this is just a growth spurt of some sort? But I'm getting concerned it's something else, but I don't know what?
Wasn't expecting to have an update so soon, but my wife had a talk with my son while I'm at work. I think we know where the car aversion is coming from. Last year he got car sick while driving around with my parents and he threw up in the car, which set my daughter off in a panic, which just kind of made things worse all around. I had kind of forgotten about it because it was a one-time thing and he never really mentioned it again.
But in talking to my wife he brought it up and said that was "the worst time", so my wife asked him if how he felt then is how he felt when he went in the car during the family trip, and he said yes. So I think it's definitely partially a fear of getting sick in the car (understandable), but also being in the car with his sister because of how she tends to overreact to him being upset. My wife offered to sit between them the next time we all need to drive somewhere together and he seemed happy about that. So progress?
Obviously lots of talking and work left to be done, although I think it's clear more attention need to be paid to my daughter's panicked response to him being upset.
Good job figuring it out! Not everyone enjoy having siblings, and worth remembering if you're having a hard time being around a child, it's also very hard for some children to be around other children. You guys are working well as a team, you're listening, being patient, being compassionate etc. good job and hope that resolves many things
Sounds like he’s going through a growth spurt. I would talk to him about the tantrums, “why?”, and try to drill down to the root cause.
Pretty much all conflict I’ve encountered is the result of miscommunication. At 6, my son could tell me the real reason why he’s upset, but it took a lot of time to discuss and build trust.
I’m guessing he’s trying to control more aspects of his life, in the only ways he knows how (“sick” and/or “furious” seem to work on you). Maybe he feels words aren’t enough for some bigger things (big family trips).
I saw GameStop mentioned… What would he be doing if not going on these trips? Maybe he would just rather play video games…
Have you asked him?
And I mean, not when it happens, but when you're both relaxed and realise you're close to each other.
Children are fucking brilliant (sometimes slightly less experienced and with a smaller vocabulary) and I'm sure your son wants to figure this out even more than you do (it is not a great feeling to be in a tantrum, and it can be really scary to see your parent(s) not knowing what to do).
I think it might be useful to talk to him like an equal, like you're trying to figure this out together. But try to find a tone and feeling like you're trying to figure out where to get the best icecream (or other applicable nice thing) rather than solving a murder mystery.
Things you could try (when you're both relaxed and connected!):
Try to keep a collaborative, curious and explorative tone and mindset.
I suspect talking about it in a similar way with his sister could be helpful too, not to have her "solve her brothers problem" but because she is also part of this in some way, maybe it's just "weird when her brother gets into a tantrum".
That's for what I advice you to do, based on what I would have liked anyone to advice me to do when I didn't know what to do with my kid.
In the end it turned out great anyway. My kid became a brilliant teenager that took charge about her situation and got herself an ADHD assessment and diagnosis (with my and her mothers support). Now she is a young woman fighting to set up her life and get support where she can, by her parents, friends, colleagues and society.
The ADHD was not the only factor ofc, but it had a part, impossible to say how big. There where other obvious parts (that I won't state here, for privacy/anonymity reasons)... Areas of interest are the usual suspects: school, friends, specific scares (that might look miniscule to everyone but him), weird interactions (and not necessarily by "weird" people or strangers, can be anything really)...
Alarmingly so! I was not prepared for how smart and clever they can be at all :D
Talking it out is a direction I've been working toward for a while now. No matter how big the tantrum, we always cap it off with a talk about where we made mistakes. I try to be very open with my kids when I make a mistake. Like if I yell because I'm exhausted and frustrated I'm very quick to tell them after the fact that I was wrong and shouldn't have yelled. I don't know if that's too "behind the scenes" for them or not?
Like last night I tried to explain that it's okay to be angry and sad, but how he expressed it wasn't okay. We talked about other ways to express it and I told him how I handle it. I suggested that sometimes I need to leave the room and be angry in silence so I can think through my problems and calm down. He seemed to like that idea (and he does already do that as well sometimes).
ADHD may be a big part of it as well. My own ADHD no doubt plays a part in my struggle to remain calm or not get overwhelmed by the situation.
I ask myself this often because I do tend to approach parenting as a partnership as much as I can. I ask myself if what they see behind the scenes is going to serve them. In the case of something like "I shouldn't have yelled", I think that serves then in so many ways:
IMO this is healthy stuff to expose them to.
This is a good point and now that I think about it weve seen it pay off. My son has apologized, unprompted, after the last few tantrums.
I use this with my son - reviewing in calm moments with a tone that (truly) expresses that were equal partners in solving this. It works every single time. He's only four, so who knows if that will change.
You're a great parent!
I'm envious of your son :)
(I'm often envious of my daughter, because she has quite good parents - then I remember I'm one of them!)
I get what you mean! We try to do better than our parents did, even if they did well. Thanks for the kind words.
There have been good answers here, but I'd like to add an advice. If you're sensitive to loud noises from your children, there's no shame in getting ear protection. It can dramatically lower the amount of mental damage they're capable of causing you. And while you're at it, you can get them for both of your kids too, since they can also suffer from their siblings' screeching.
As a separate advice, I recommend against overdiagnosing mental problems due to this. This sounds to me like very normal temper that's part of the phase of 5-7 year old.
And a third separate advice, don't beat yourself up over this. Do a retrospective, handle whatever needs to be handled (apologize to your kid if need be) and keep going towards the next disaster.
Oh and a fourth, perhaps a stupid one: you didn't mention if any of your children have smart phones. If they do, I suggest you immediately remove them from their possession for at least a month and see if that has any effect. I know your kids are only around 6 years old so this is probably not an issue, but just checking. Children shouldn't have those things until they're 14 years old at least.
Yeah this is partially why we haven't looked into an ADHD diagnosis to this point. I know I have it and I know that means my kids might have it, but I also don't want to cry "ADHD!" at everything. Because that's what my parents did and even though I did have it, the approach left me feeling terrible as a kid/teen. I figure it won't hurt to mention it at their upcoming doc appointments though, just to see if that's a ball that needs to get rolling.
The last 6 years have been me very slowly learning this lesson. And in a weird way I was almost happy that my son threw another tantrum right before his birthday party, because it gave me a second change to handle it better (and I did!). I spend a lot more time learning to forgive myself than I thought I would as a parent. Silly me thought saying "I will do better than my parents did" would magically will it into reality without the hard work :D
Oh definitely not. They used to have tablets that were super locked down to just kid apps/games, but they've mostly destroyed them by leaving them laying around wherever and I've no intention of replacing them. They can have a phone when they have a social life that warrants one...maybe.
Are these car rides generally to visit the same set of people? Or does it happen with completely unrelated circles? I don't have kids of my own, so I can't really weigh in on general parenting advice, but kids this age getting or faking sick whenever you visit a certain person or group can be a warning sign of abuse. It's absolutely not the only or even the most plausible explanation in your scenario, but since you have more knowledge of the situation yourself, I thought it wise to at least bring it up in case does end up being something there that you notice.
No it's pretty random. We were visiting family the kids haven't seen since they were babies and have no memory of at all. My son has been developing a shyness about people he's unfamiliar with in general, so it could be something along those lines.
Oof that's rough, I'm sorry you're dealing with a tough time. My daughter went through a period around that age where she would scream bloody murder, hit/bite, and cry a lot. There were a lot of factors involved but chief among them I believe was ADHD, which I suspected but got diagnosed only recently. Her trigger was being told off, even in the gentlest of ways, and I believe she has rejection sensitive dysphoria. She still has a hot temper, but has gotten much better, especially as she's able to articulate her feelings (after calming down).
How did you react when his sister went through the same thing?
I have ADHD, so it wouldn't surprise me. Both he and his sister kind of show some signs..him more inattentive variant, her more so hyperactive. But I've been struggling with what's normal kid behavior vs what's ADHD. Definitely planning to bring it up to doctor at their 6 year check ins later this month.
Yeah he can sometimes react that way too. He's definitely the more sensitive kid and sometimes he storms off to calm down when we try to correct behavior (even gently). Again, wouldn't be surprised because I'm the same way. And he's easily embarrassed.
I learned a lot from that experience and I am certainly trying to handle his tantrums better. But at first it was a firm, "no you can't do this", <tantrum>, attempts to take big breaths and calm down, <tantrum>, threats of "you're going to lose <privilege>", I'd get frustrated and overreact, everyone got angry at each other, I'd realize I'm part of the problem and leave the room, I'd come back feeling like a jerk and we talked through it. And obviously it varied from tantrum to tantrum. Sometimes talking it out worked right away. Sometimes redirecting worked. Sometimes I realized I was just being an ass to begin with and what she was asking for wasn't all that unfair to begin with and I'd compromise with her after apologizing and explaining that her (and my) behavior weren't acceptable.
With him, I'm trying to focus on talking things out more. Privilege threats and bribery don't work, me getting angry and yelling doesn't work. Talking usually works eventually, but its everything before that I still need to work.
This is not normal in the sense that something is clearly going on and causing this. I can think of a lot of things, but what really stands out to me is that this seems to in some way de-escalate when the sister is not around. Is it possible that something has happened between them, or is going on between them without your knowledge? Are there any hints that the bedtime thing involves her as well? Do they share a room, or could she sneak in? I'm not going to make any wild ass guesses, or suggest possibilities here. Uou have anxiety disorder, I have anxiety disorder; I know your brain is already throwing countless unhelpful what-ifs at you. But if I were you, that would be the first place I start looking. Could you maybe take your son out for a father-son trip in the car, making it known that it's just you and him, to remove that variable? (I'm not 100% on your gender here, so I apologize if I use any incorrect ones)
I do want to say that, yes, it is normal that 6 year olds will throw tantrums. It is normal they will have growth spurts. Even diagnosis like ADHD or anxiety are completely normal. But normal does not mean it is okay to just muscle through this. Instead, approach it as a family team, and work to make it better. Try to make that your focus in the day to day. My wife & I brought out daughter to therapy starting in Kindergarten. It was after 6 months of crying almost every day at school drop off. She turned out to have IBS-D, major fear of using the school bathroom, and a growing anxiety disorder, which probably would have developed into OCD if we didn't get her help. 3 years later, my daughter has stronger coping skills for her anxiety at 8 than I have as an adult, because it's so much harder to rewire the brain at our age. I have had my own anxiety disorder and subsequent ADHD diagnosis because she helped me understand there is no shame in being this way. The choice to get help, while frightening and difficult, has completely changed the course of all of our lives for the better. No one should hesitate to get help from a professional when it comes to emotional difficulties with their children. Just because we had them as kids and learned how to manage them eventually doesn't mean we did so in a healthy way. And it doesn't mean there isn't an easier way they could learn to cope.
Oh sorry, yep I'm the dad :)
Yeah believe me I definitely noticed that his sister was a common denominator, and I ran through all the scenarios, and do plan to have a talk with him. But it seems to me that it's mostly down to her response to him getting upset. He starts crying and she goes into absolute panic mode. She runs away screaming and covers her ears. Otherwise they just keep feeding off of each other's emotions and it spirals out of control. They're both aware that it's a problem, because we had one or two incidents at school because of it (they were in same class) and we all had a lot of long talks about it. So either he's afraid of her response, or he blames himself for it? I don't really know. More talking is needed, for sure.
And yes, they do share a room. We've talked about shuffling the house around to give them their own rooms at the expense of their play room, but that's a huge undertaking we haven't really started on yet.
I am in no position to speculate on what is going on with your little dude, but I can offer some friendly advice to help you figure that out. Saying this as someone who works with kids and has witnessed big behavior changes out of left field, you gotta trust your ABCs.
Anticedent- What happened just before the tantrum? What are some possible triggers? Be as specific as possible (e.g. it happens when we open the door/use the seatbelt instead of "it happened when we were getting into the car")
Behavior- What exactly does he do during the tantrum?
Consequence - What do you do during/after the tantrum? This isn't an old man "there will be consequences for this!" type thing, but rather, what is your response? Are you being nice and friendly? Do you speak plainly about what's happening and what you want to see? Do you ignore him? Are you giving him more attention to calm him down? Does he get his way? Sometimes the consequences are unintentionally reinforcing the behavior.
You're not going to figure this out in a day, but if you observe it over time, you'll start to recognize some patterns.
Again, I am in no position to speculate, but it's not unusual for kids to pick up behaviors from each other, especially if there are positive consequences for the behavior.
Lastly, just a reminder to you and anyone else with kids, always set your expectations and reinforce the behaviors you want to see. While I understand the urge to snuff out whatever is causing this, it's also a good opportunity to teach him how to handle stressful and upsetting situations.
Others have gone into the psychological aspects of this, so I'll toss in a possible contributor to this kind of issue from a different perspective.
Our kid had out of control rage attacks when he was 5-6, usually triggered by some perceived unfairness. We went through family counselling and worked with him to help feel a bit more in control, but we didn't feel like it helped much.
He was a bit picky, and allergic to some nuts, so he ate few leafy greens and legumes, and no nuts. (He's also the type of kid that will starve rather than eat something he dislikes). These are good sources of magnesium, and low magnesium can cause irritability, anxiety, and other related issues.
We tried modestly supplementing, and the rage attacks got significantly better after a couple of weeks. He still got very upset about the same issues as before, but not to the point of rage meltdowns.
Maybe it helped, or maybe he just grew up a bit. They change quickly at this age.