Do I need dating apps? (same-sex, a bit of ace)
I've been thinking on this for a while, and was inspired to ask about it while reading through the blackpill thread. I don't intend to actually look for a relationship for a while; it's been six months since the breakup, and my ex and I didn't agree to no-contact until two days ago, so I still have a long healing process to get through. But I have a lot of... dread? around not having a life partner forever, with the key factor being not having a close friend like my ex was pre-relationship. If I could emotionally and financially handle all life matters on my own that would be beautiful, but even just thinking about getting to the place I want to be financially while still maintaining a certain lifestyle is anxiety-inducing on its own. So again, even as I do not actively prepare to download any app and put myself out there, I'd like to take some notes as someone who has never used an app and whose previous relationships were by chance (classmates while in school, ex was from MMO).
For starters: I'm a cis woman, early 30s, and identify as lesbian, demisexual, demiromantic. I don't know where I am on the scale of conventional attractiveness. I'm extremely short and skinny. I've never really gone through the initial "dating" process (I knew my exes before getting in a relationship with them so we kind of jumped into being exclusive/"official").
The demi- bits mean a lot to me. I feel it makes sense to just seek spaces for activities that I enjoy and go on from there, but I feel like it's a difficult numbers game because statistically most people will be straight, right? And I don't think I exude any non-straight energy either, if that's even a thing. So this brings me to why I feel I inevitably will need to use dating apps - I fear the environment, I have never applied makeup on myself and couldn't tell you the difference between mascara and eyeliner without Googling, and the blackpill thread is filled with commentary on how these apps really cultivate a landscape with a focus on appearance. But simply being not-straight makes me feel I have to use an app for the basic filter of gender preference.
I don't see myself going to a gay bar (prefer not to drink). I can see some queer-friendly dating-focused events in my area that sound okay but I fear my issues with social performance will keep me away (I can perform for one person but the few events I see right now are speed-dating or casual mixers). Also some of them are hosted at wineries/pubs and I get that alcohol is normal, but I really don't like the vibe of bars themselves (too loud).
I also don't know if there are... things to "know" when trying to date as a lesbian? Like when folks talk about being masc/femme, those things don't really mean anything to me - I have male-dominated hobbies and don't wear feminine clothing, but to say that any bit of me says "masculine" in any way just doesn't seem right. I also honest to god do not know what expectations are regarding trans women. I can't write them off as I've never dated or been romantically interested in a trans woman, but I do fear that the... equipment, for lack of better phrase... might matter to me, and I don't want to offend too late? Is it transphobic to say I'd prefer to date cis women?
Apologies as I realize that this is definitely becoming more of a ramble on "how date, I've never dated strangers" and less on advice for use of dating apps specifically. But at the end of the day, yes, I feel that I will need to use dating apps but fear the experiences that I read about from using them.
Genuinely I'd suggest starting with making queer connections in queer social spaces that aren't the bar and that aren't focused on dating. And not with the subconscious goal of dating people you meet there, but because being in the community is how you'll find folks more often than not.
Queer spaces, even the apps, are generally less about all of the performance stuff, IME. Gay male culture has its share of feeling the need to perform in a particular way, but also has a lot more comfort with hook ups. Queer women stereotypically move in on the second date. You don't need to do eyeliner or perform a certain way - there are queer apps but idk what's the most popular now - if you want to just be you.
Especially since you're demi, it sounds like the goal should be building those long term strong friendships - some of which might turn into romantic ones, and others will support you through the dating scene in a way randoms on the internet can't. And in general I think doing things you enjoy around and with the type of folks you like is the way to find someone(s). So hence being in more queer spaces.
I met many of my partners LARPing, playing WoW, at conventions, etc. They're often queerer spaces and even when I would be dating a guy, it was much more likely to be a bi guy that wasn't weird about the queerness like some of my straight bfs have been.
Just my two cents. I get the fear of loneliness but I think the solution is less "lean in on dating" and more "exist out in the world making connections."
Just my 2ยข
Baby here. I don't speak for us all. The demi folk I've met are more into me than the genitals and make do with what is there. My partner actually identified as lesbian before dating me and couldn't really square the circle of why I was the exception until I came out 10 years later. Not to box you in and say you've got to conform, not at all, just saying you may be surprised.
God I can't imagine trying to date now and the difficulties I'd have. But I'd understand if other lesbians weren't on board for sex with me with where I'm at. Ideally, they would see me identify as trans and respectfully not match were it a hard boundary on a dating app.
But like if someone and I developed
reciprocal romantic feelings naturally without going for dating? A good relationship starts with an honest discussion of each others' feelings, and I'd want my situation to be clear in such a discussion. My feelings would probably be hurt if that was the reason not to proceed, I doubt I'd consider them a transphobe, perhaps just closed minded about sex (non-derogatory). There's, uh, plenty of ways to have great sex without my genitals being involved, though I'd hardly be trying to convince them of that if they said not interested, I'd respect that. I'd also understand if they wanted to try despite having reservations, and then they find themselves unable to proceed when it comes down to it -- I'd appreciate the effort and respect their boundaries. Wouldn't be offended unless they were being disrespectful. FWIW, I'm not into what's there either, I'm making do.
On my part, I also identify as poly and wouldn't be bothered if my partner wanted to have sex with a person AFAB as well, though she's monogamous and can't comprehend that.
However, I would encourage you to read about the genital changes trans women undergo even without surgery, you may be surprised with what you find, I know I was. Each body is different though, don't expect to know what's going on with a specific person beforehand.
As long as you don't say you don't wanna date trans women because they're not women, you're fine on the transphobia front in my book. It isn't like you're obligated to want to date EVERY woman because you're a lesbian, having some sort of preferences is natural. Just be kind, respectful, and honest.
Again, I'm a baby and don't speak for us all though, maybe trans women that have gone through those trenches have a different perspective.