vingtcinqunvingtcinq's recent activity
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Comment on Derek Thompson - You are no longer invited to dinner in ~life
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Comment on Derek Thompson - You are no longer invited to dinner in ~life
vingtcinqunvingtcinq LinkThis is a well-trodden topic, but this was an interesting and new theory for meThis is a well-trodden topic, but this was an interesting and new theory for me
In the 1970 book The Harried Leisure Class, the Swedish economist Staffan Burenstam Linder wrote that as a society gets richer, leisure time takes on the frantic quality of work. As rich people feel like their downtime is scarce—as each non-working hour practically shouts, “excuse me! you could be making money, right now!” —the experience of leisure time speeds up. We multitask and pack various downtime activities into short periods. Firing up a Netflix show at 9pm that you can half-ignore while you answer email is a perfect activity for people who need their leisure time to feel like half-productive box-checking. Taking several hours to coordinate with other busy people to set up a lengthy dinner party is a tougher sell for the harried leisure class.
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Derek Thompson - You are no longer invited to dinner
20 votes -
Comment on When do you know that you've found "the one"? in ~life
vingtcinqunvingtcinq LinkSo, I agree with everyone: my belief system doesn't allow me to have concepts like "the one" or "destined marriage." I believe we must, statistically, have lots of "the ones" every day based on...So, I agree with everyone: my belief system doesn't allow me to have concepts like "the one" or "destined marriage." I believe we must, statistically, have lots of "the ones" every day based on who we are at that nexus in time. I think with one guy, I imagined a monogamish setup where he'd travel and bang and I'd have a delightful amount of time to myself and my hobbies. With another, I imagined a Tim Burton / Helena Bonham Carter setup, where we would live apart yet right next door. With another, whose relationship ended over having or not having kids, I toyed with the idea of being pregnant and the awkward hilarity of our parents meeting given the age difference... the possibilities were endless. However, dating was... it took a lot of time and disappointment. So by the time you get there, despite every single permutation of choice, mistake, and the slightest difference of feeling-- literally every other possible outcome... as you realize you and the person in front of you love each other anyway, it definitely will feel, to some degree, it couldn't have happened with anyone else. Your "one."
Now to actually answer the question. He and I came in as 2 really independent people who didn't necessarily see marriage as being in the cards or a need. I can say we're now really sweet together, we do talk about marriage, and I feel a new and positive dimension that I discovered being with someone kind who made me feel safe. These are the moments I think about in hindsight. Hard to say how often these things happened and I just retconned it after the guy didn't work out, but nevertheless:
- Scared for good reasons: He seemed sweeter and more thoughtful than the usual guys, which actually made me nervous he wouldn't like me. I wouldn't describe my previous dates as "not nice," but I think there was almost a computational nature to our interactions where we were 2 busy people meeting where one probably really wanted to have sex and everything was in service to that. I wouldn't say I'm particularly "sweet," so I felt worried he wouldn't like that about me. However, I also knew it was stupid to preemptively nope out because I thought a sweet person wouldn't like me. That is how you date assholes forever. (As it turned out, the right person can be a good example of kindness to you, as he is for me.)
- Weird emotional clarity: I noticed without him very obviously touting this that he was extremely observant and thus considerate of his family and doing free manual labor for them. I was a bit nervous as I had guessed he was unemployed (though in a great job market). I think some people describe this as "God" speaking to them, but I think of it like the show Travelers, where my future consciousness intercepted my present and said "if he's that good to his family, if you love each other, he will be that good to you. Also, if he's doing hard labor for free when he's unemployed from a desk job, he will never not work hard if it matters to you / his family." 4 years and one sick parent later, I think this was shockingly astute.
- No logical reason to seek out other options: At times I considered staying in the dating market (as one does in a big city, as it's basically emotional gambling). I thought to myself "what would I do there?"
- First, this was extremely improbable, as I'd had plenty of handsome and accomplished dates. This guy had a mix of attributes I considered rare. Waste of time.
- Secondly, even if it happened, dating 2 guys sounds torturous if I end up really liking both. I know 'other people' exist out there but I don't care because I don't believe in 'the one', I only need "a one." Waste of time.
- Thirdly, even if the other guy was 'better,' the attributes that could be better were not enough for me to risk missing a good match.
- Lastly, if I had someone I considered so promising in front of me, it would be stupid to risk distancing this person just because I had a knee-jerk reaction to keep my options open. If Fate existed, it'd be saying "put up or shut up Sunshine, you asked for someone, here's your moment. Seize it." So, I proactively said I wasn't going to explore my options, and we DTRd shortly after.
- You like to disagree: Our relationship was pretty good, then rocky (he said he felt scarred from a past relationship), and extremely good. During the rocky portion, what kept us together was the points above + it was easy to be together + we had extremely civil disagreements.
- You have a plan for if your marriage gets weak: As we talked, we just saw eye to eye on a lot of practical things, and I think being practical is probably a love language for us. We don't like to get mired in competition or unreasonable demands. One thing we discussed is "what if you fall out of love with someone?" We both considered that to be normal, because people are always changing, so you must choose to fall back in love and stay on course together. You are still each others companions in life. Neither of us were strongly "we have to get married if we're together forever" at that point, but I think this conversation was extremely influential in us both feeling like it could be an option for us.
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Comment on Anyone have any ketogenic diet stories? in ~food
vingtcinqunvingtcinq LinkI never tried keto but I have done low carb and fasting. For me, didn’t really work, it was just an eating disorder. I get my best weight loss results eating intuitively, and probably my best fat...I never tried keto but I have done low carb and fasting. For me, didn’t really work, it was just an eating disorder. I get my best weight loss results eating intuitively, and probably my best fat loss results from working out. I did do healthier low carb (lots of nuts, less sugars) but I have genetically poor cholesterol and have to keep fat low. I think a lot of my weight loss each time was likely water weight.
I do know someone who did medical keto for a medical “hunch” (wasn’t for seizures specifically), used a CGM, did the strips, etc. I think if you tried carnivore then tried medical keto you probably did notice you ate way less protein. Also, different people have different opinions on whether to include fiber in the ratio or not. In any case, they had awful heartburn on the diet and issues with bowel movements (though it could also be meds). They also stalled on their keto numbers while feeling terrible, so now it’s a low net carb diet with a lot of extremely high fiber foods. The high fiber is basically how they give a lot of “processed” foods a “keto ratio,” and also why people recommend a CGM to monitor spikes in blood sugar as you try these foods (afaik the sweet ones use sweeteners that double as fiber?).
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Comment on Colorado's Tildos - How-does it suit you? in ~life
vingtcinqunvingtcinq Link ParentI guess I imagine that it's a place to live healthily with people whose interests are less concerned about image and more concerned about health and nature? I think of it as mountainous and sunny....I guess I imagine that it's a place to live healthily with people whose interests are less concerned about image and more concerned about health and nature? I think of it as mountainous and sunny. When I visited, an acquaintance brought me along on their trip and their friends were chilled out and interesting. Some parts of where I visited were walkable (Denver), there was good food (some super excellent). It does seem to have jobs in my industry (software). On paper, it seems to be a good balance of things, down to the purple state-iness. It feels like a nice place to live if international travel isn't a major focus (in contrast, I know a handful of couples who have each attended 3+ international weddings this year-- which I find a bit nuts).
At the same time, I know things are usually not what they appear. Groups of people generally have some sort of competition (is there some sort of hiking 'tech wear' mountain biking cliquishness?). I imagined a veg garden in my future, but Colorado has water restrictions / water rights drama / wildfires / etc. Then there's weird Flock stuff (though I suppose that's everywhere now).
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Comment on There is no epidemic of loneliness, but there is an epidemic of social scurvy in ~life
vingtcinqunvingtcinq LinkI have worked remote and now commute a few days a week. I sort of agree with the post, but I also can't say it really motivates me. I do think socializing is a muscle; it atrophies and feels like...I have worked remote and now commute a few days a week. I sort of agree with the post, but I also can't say it really motivates me. I do think socializing is a muscle; it atrophies and feels like more work the less you do it. At the same time, after a day in the office, or spending a little time with my partner-- the last thing my brain has time for is prioritizing or maintaining a friendship. And very recently, being around people I couldn't connect with made me feel worse than lonely. It made me feel like there was something deeply wrong with me, which is probably why I never enjoyed people that much. I have seen my own friendships atrophy too, but half-willingly (the feeling that we are different people right now, and it's difficult to bridge at the present), and half-unwillingly (life is exhausting).
I wish there was more around qualifying what it means to socialize and what purpose it serves. The article does talk a bit about purpose, but in an incredibly self-serving way. Why maintain friendships? Well, so you won't die early of depressed dementia. I think there's a line where we must say 'well, mutually, no one wants to die of loneliness so let's be friends.' 'Let's scratch each others' backs.' Still, in practice, that's actually very difficult. You may like people, and you may want to help people, but the leap into turning that into a friendship is still a leap.
So, I do think we need more qualification on socializing. If people told you that you needed to eat an orange every day OR ELSE of course they would roll their eyes. There are kiwis, potatoes, red bell peppers, pork liver, etc.. You can eat a balanced diet too! But what does a balanced diet look like? When we talk about the social habits of tribes, are they having deep, intimate, emotionally deep / exhausting conversations every day about how they worry they won't meet someone by 35 and they want to freeze their eggs? Or are they just keeping up a little every day? Are they separating people into groups like acquaintances, companions, close companions, best companions? Are they including surface-level interactions with people who work in shops or at offices you go to, where they might have worked there for multiple decades instead of moving for college and work? Are your 8 bridesmaids and groomsmen supposed to be your ride or dies, or is the idea of that kind of friendship just meant to be supremely rare? Does socializing include doing a sport with people where you only exchange a few sentences?
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Comment on There is no epidemic of loneliness, but there is an epidemic of social scurvy in ~life
vingtcinqunvingtcinq Link ParentI too like Will Tennyson (and the Canadian Bodybuilder ecosystem, for some reason). Honestly I even find the slop enjoyable. It is my kind of fitness slop for the most part. I do want to know what...I too like Will Tennyson (and the Canadian Bodybuilder ecosystem, for some reason).
Honestly I even find the slop enjoyable. It is my kind of fitness slop for the most part. I do want to know what crazy legal stimulants there are and how crazy it makes you! I do want to see the inside of a luxury gym in Japan! I actually think what makes the content slop is more the title and images. He does certainly try, it's not AI voiceover, lifestyle aspiration porn, and thin marketing for everything. (He really does need to stop doing crazy shit to his body though.)
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Colorado's Tildos - How-does it suit you?
(please read as "colorados tildohs, how-dooose it suit you?") Things like Do you feel concerned about living there long term? Does the water situation bother you? Did you move there as an adult,...
(please read as "colorados tildohs, how-dooose it suit you?")
Things like
- Do you feel concerned about living there long term?
- Does the water situation bother you?
- Did you move there as an adult, or were you raised there? How does it compare to other places, in your view?
I have a bit of a fascination with it and have considered moving, but it's a big change from where I currently live.
18 votes -
Comment on Deciding whether (or not) to have a child in ~life
vingtcinqunvingtcinq LinkMy partner and I don't plan on having kids. We still have time to change course, but as someone who's very 'routine-oriented,' I consider my window for kids to be passing me now as I think I'd be...Do any of my thoughts resonate with you? What did you decide and why? Are you happy with your choice?
My partner and I don't plan on having kids. We still have time to change course, but as someone who's very 'routine-oriented,' I consider my window for kids to be passing me now as I think I'd be too emotionally set-in-stone to try at an older age (but TBD). One of his parents got sick so I think also, to some degree, our fate was never to have kids at this age. That said: Have kids!
The reason is that from your post, I think you come from a basis of wanting kids, yet your brain is rationalizing yourself out. What I realized from talking to people and reading books like 'The Baby Decision' is that we are animals. Wanting, truly wanting to have kids is incredibly natural and probably beyond our logical mind. (I believe much of what we do is instinctual, and our brain simply rationalises it, sometimes incorrectly or in a futile effort.) For me and my partner, I think while we like kids (him more so), I don't think we're wired to 'want' to have kids. What the book changed for me was openness to the possibility of changing my mind. Childfree as a sort of militant assessment of what is ethical (for the kids, for the planet, whatever) is laudable, but it does not serve me, 99% of the impact of my decision. What purpose does it give me to lock myself into a path instead of seeing how I feel? Additionally, also from reading the book: the most important thing you can do is be an active participant in your life. If you want kids, don't settle for waiting for an accident, for example. We're more likely to be happy if we choose our path actively rather than waiting for it to happen. (I think this is part of why sticking with childfree is hard; in our modern world, it's hard to 'actively' pick childfree every day. Rather, you pick a negative, you pick to not do an affirmative action...)
I'm really, really good with kids (and teenagers!) and find relationships with them really rewarding. I love spending time with my nieces, nephews, and friends' kids, and it leaves me wishing I could also shape a human with the values and priorities that are most important to me - stewardship, patience, music.
The only reason to defy our logical mind is if our logical mind says we 100% can't 'step up' as a parent, imo. But based on what you wrote, it sounds like you can. (And if you don't, the Baby Decision talks about 'if you do it and regret'. Anyone can end up here, including people who fence-sat less than you. I forget what the advice was, but I think it was 'therapy, and your life with the kid will change as they get older, so you can form different relationships with them.')
I don't think there's many logical reasons for the gamble of trying to make / adopt a human being whose ultimate fate and identity you may not be able to force in any desired way. For example, if you want to have a child to take care of you when you're old? This presumes they for whatever reason like you and can manage to do that. My boyfriend and I have discussed how much we'd theoretically love to raise a little weirdo space cadet math nerd (in isolation of all the other commitments of kids), but would have to emotionally prepare to love and raise some incredibly normie child (just as my parents had no clue how to interact with a weird kid). I don't think you'll find many logical reasons for the affirmative that couldn't go wrong. I think like many decisions, this is an irrational desire made safe by rational guardrails. For example, I considered moving out of my city. It likely would be only slightly cheaper for less convenience, but we'd have more space and better air. I eventually realized there was likely no rational basis for leaving if my life continued to look the way it does now; I would simply have to decide this is the life I wanted, and it would make me happier than what I have now, despite the drawbacks with which it may come.
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Comment on Software engineers / programmers: how’s it going? in ~comp
vingtcinqunvingtcinq (edited )LinkI'm a college graduate with a non-CS degree who got hired out of college into a Software Engineering Role. I have "senior" level experience and work in a city with a large tech industry. I perform...I'm a college graduate with a non-CS degree who got hired out of college into a Software Engineering Role. I have "senior" level experience and work in a city with a large tech industry. I perform well at my company, but I don't work at a FAANG or adjacent company. I don't consider myself to be an excellent engineer, but I try my best with my work.
- How has your work changed in the past year? How much of your daily work now involves LLM tools?: There is more pressure to use AI, but I haven't experienced it making things much faster because I still have to vet and understand everything. It does help with getting the ball rolling on new things, quick lookups, or scoping out major architectural changes and generating docs from that for review. It mainly contributes to a sense of urgency around my work that I didn't really need, and makes the effort I put into my work feel devalued. I would be elated for Anthropic & co. to run out of compute. I miss coding more hands-on.
- Are you enjoying your work more, less, or the same? Has your relationship with work changed in general?: Less, but part of it was that I was at the inflection point career-wise where your differentiator is less about code quality (because, as AI proves, there's limits to how much people give a damn). Leadership qualities, mentorship, investigating issues, following up 2-3 steps into an issue instead of just one, etc. are what took up more and more time. I think if AI impacted that, it was in part because you could fuck around much harder not knowing much about the language (we had a lot of newly joined engineers using AI primarily as their means to write in this 'new' language). So there was more need to put my foot down. The other thing is that nothing delivered is impressive to people unless AI did it or is part of it, I think.
- Do you feel like you’re working more or less now? The same?: The same, maybe less. AI gives the illusion of work but is nothing compared to a flow state. But coding work, where you're the primary bottleneck, moves at a different pace than work where you're dealing with people.
- Are you hopeful or fearful of the future (let’s say next 5 years) of SWE? Mixed?: Fearful / mixed. When I stop thinking about what others think, I don't really know what the future holds. Will code be less important? Well, maybe, but I don't see why we wouldn't lean into product skills and replace the PMs. Will designers be more important? I don't think people need rivetingly original designs and UX, nor a team for it. Will engineering still be important? I don't know, but I guess I don't see how it wouldn't take away every other 'email job' first. That would indeed decimate the shit out of the economy. I wonder if Rails killed more jobs than it created. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I have possibly peaked earnings; I don't see FAANGs as viable jobs right now with layoffs and the stock valuations feelings uncertain.
- Have you found any useful tips or advice for thriving in the current landscape?: Err, no, except that not getting familiar with it will probably not endear you in the job market either. Conversely, I have yet to be sold on the value of trying to "engineer AI" outcomes; there are entire companies tasked with making the models better so I don't see any point in turning optimizing AI into work for myself. But I also don't care enough about AI to optimize token use. Most of what seems valuable was valuable before AI too: be very smart, improve at systems design, know shit about databases, and do your own tiny projects for extra $$.
- Has your career trajectory changed? Do you plan on seeking out different types of roles? Not really. I am more averse to being a manager, but I also see how 'proximity to management' gives you more salience with people doing the layoffs. I do think more about moving in with my parents and staying in the area (versus moving to a weaker job market). I do think often about an exit plan (buy something extremely modest with savings, do a modest job to eat.)
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Comment on Are others finding themselves spending less and less time online? in ~tech
vingtcinqunvingtcinq Link ParentOn 2-- I think once Trump passes, this really has to go the way of Godwin's Law lol.On 2-- I think once Trump passes, this really has to go the way of Godwin's Law lol.
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Comment on Are others finding themselves spending less and less time online? in ~tech
vingtcinqunvingtcinq LinkYes. I think for me it was more some kind of anxiety or tenseness. It felt like work. (I left Instagram 2 years ago, which I liked as "bridge" social media to make friends-- people wouldn't ask...I still have the urges, but now when I indulge it doesn't feel like an effortless dopamine hit, I feel like I'm fighting the platforms for something, anything engaging.
For lack of a better phrase, I'm just constantly feeling the "ick" being online. I'm actively trying to search out things to engage with, anything even remotely genuine or authentic, and running up against a wall.
Yes. I think for me it was more some kind of anxiety or tenseness. It felt like work. (I left Instagram 2 years ago, which I liked as "bridge" social media to make friends-- people wouldn't ask for your numbers irl, they'd ask for your Insta.)
Or maybe I'm reaching a different stage of life and no longer the target demographic. In any case I just feel myself reaching for my laptop less and less and less. For most folks I think that would be a good thing, but when it's dark out, and I'm too burnt out from work to make progress on whatever home or art project I'm doing it was a really nice way to turn off my brain.
I also agree with this. With the new Reddit, I still browse super occasionally (think <10 min a week now; niche illness subreddit for family member and local city subreddit) but it feels like I'm fighting a sense of grossness because of how shitty the UI makes me feel. And like you say, most of what I want to do with free time is exhausting with regular adult commitments in the mix. Through a mixture of intention and things being "taken away," I find myself opening up fewer and fewer sites, reading less and less of it, and caring less and less about it. I'm bored more often, which I think is good and healthy and desirable. But it is disheartening to be this bored by things I used to like.
I think the internet was more fun when the communities preexisted, if it makes sense. I liked connecting with people based on ideas and interests rather than feelings. (Maybe this is precisely the problem with a lot of social apps-- it is more about who we are and how we feel, rather than what we choose and voluntarily think about.) And then from that general forum, you'd stumble upon a community of regulars offtopic-ing. They would invite you into your circle, and you'd end up with weird fun internet friends you heard from at a less overwhelming cadence online. Everything was basically chronological, only kept alive if it were pinned or had new posts, not if it had a lot of "points" or reputation. It was a bit ephemeral in that way, in that it really did live and die, whereas I think most things never really get attention when posted (if the wild stats can be believed).
I think those communities died out, the security concerns felt more perilous, and I grew out of needing that. I had tried hard for years to become less of a "geek" and to adopt 'normie' interests and frankly it's really fucking nice being a 'normal' person. Like working out, being healthy, and trying to address everything I was ashamed of by 'being better' did shut my brain down from dwelling so hard on stuff that made me doom and gloom. On top of that, I am trying to build my offline community (and basically everything offline, because clearly everything online is a security / privacy issue). (Somewhat off-topic, but I was toying with the idea of making a meetup thread for Tildes for this reason-- though I found I mainly just wanted to meet locals, so at that point maybe I did not need a thread.)
AI has also completely ruined my ability to care about a lot of text-based stuff. Is this person really feeling this way about politics / current events / being a woman, or is it just some weird bot trying to build up karma and advertise some shit to me? Does it make sense for me to even post this message for AI to train on it and steal my voice? The influx of text and the lack of editing also makes reading more of a chore -- if it's not written incisively or deliberately in some way, I skim that much harder to gain the information faster. I can feel the anxiety of the wasted time as I do.
The news makes me feel like this too. What was once a 'hobby' now feels like a coordinated brainwashing effort to force a pop / unified and hegemonic culture that disappeared and self-torture exercise where we read about preventable tragedies. When it's not that, it feels like all I see are articles about AI (people circling the drain on topics saying "yes but code was the easy part, Y is what makes you a real Z" x infinity) and how I will have no job in 5 years. Why do I want more 'information' on that, really? It doesn't make me smarter, happier, or think harder.
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What was it like for you and your partner when one of you was losing a parent "slowly"?
Without going into details, my partner's parent is sick with an unknown prognosis (1-5 years; 1 year has passed). I admire how they've come to support their parent and have tried to both be...
Without going into details, my partner's parent is sick with an unknown prognosis (1-5 years; 1 year has passed). I admire how they've come to support their parent and have tried to both be supportive and keep myself busy so my partner could focus. Still, it's created a lot of distance for me. Where I see the future as exciting and exploratory for us, for my partner, they imagine their family in shambles and their favorite person gone. With the uncertain prognosis and the aftermath, it's hard to imagine that really changing for the foreseeable future.
I am looking for insight from people who have been in similar situations. Perhaps it's the sort of ridiculousness of how selfish this is or sounds, but I don't know if I've ever heard much about how this affects romantic relationships.
20 votes -
What are the "white spaces" or "breathing rooms" in your life?
It's easy to be wired all the time. Checking messages, performing tasks, planning for the future, making the most of every second with obvious output. But do you have any intentional inefficiency...
It's easy to be wired all the time. Checking messages, performing tasks, planning for the future, making the most of every second with obvious output. But do you have any intentional inefficiency in your life? Breaks? Breaths between tasks? If so, what are they?
39 votes -
High and dry: Sobriety and transcendence at Bonnaroo
4 votes
Yes, I think the causal relationship is different for me. I think if you like to maximize what you do at work, you want to maximize what you do outside of it. The fact that the "maximizer" personality might correlate to a positive economic outcome is a bit of a coincidence.
The only way I could see myself not maximizing my time is if I had truly meaningful control over my workload. But I'd need enough financial and job security to feel okay exerting such control over my workload (e.g., I can work less when I want to because it won't hurt my comfort levels when I'm older).