[Rant? Vent? Musing?] I've become a surprisingly judgemental semi-sober person
This is a discussion on recreational substance use with illegal substances.
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Pre-college / independent living, I thought most people simply drank, and maybe did weed. No one smokes unless you're 'European' (to be broad about it). Pre-covid, I thought most (young, partying) people just did alcohol, cocaine, and maybe weed (plus, again, the Europeans with the cigarettes). Post-covid, it seems that everyone has a few drinks only, but does weed edibles, nicotine vapes, increasingly partial servings / 'tabs' of Molly, Ketamine. Every few months, someone will be doing mushrooms or LSD. We range from 29-40 in age.
(I know this isn't 'everyone' and also simply a sampling of the subculture near me.)
I was a social drinker, so I largely sobered up easily and quickly during COVID, and I also started to work out. Fast forward those trends five (five, can you believe it??) years, and I have maybe 5 drinks this whole calendar year. I've had probably 15mg of edibles this whole calendar year, and 1 mushroom microdose (I simultaneously felt and did not feel this). This wasn't without total cost; I don't socialize as easily and don't have a means for getting myself in the mood to be with people, the way being tipsy could ply you into a good time. People feel somewhat rejected, too, when I don't want to share a high together; to them, it's bonding when to me, I see it as a commitment to 4+ excruciating hours of my mind being annoyed that my body and impulses are trying to defy it, plus a hangover. (Additionally, I worry about the unknowns that come accompanied with unregulated substances and new substances, like contamination / inauthentic product or psychosis.)
Amidst this health kick, I find myself having become more conscious of the way my body feels. When I live really well, I feel fantastic. Sleeping well? Incredible. Eating healthily? Amazing. No strange substances for my liver to fight? Perfect. Toss in an inherently fulfilling routine, and I wake up every day with the capacity for happiness, clarity, and control over my life. Some people laud things like the 'death of the ego' you might get with psilobiclin, but I love my ego. I think it's pretty smart and thoughtful. I understand power over self can psychologically choke you out, but honestly, I like it? Disrupted sleep kills me for days. The 'microdose'? Feels like it left me flat and depressed after an initial peppy 1-2 days.
Mental health has been a struggle for me all my life. To be stable and content, if somewhat flat, is it's own happiness. I never learned how to be 'happy' in the way that you find joy in things your brain genuinely has no interest in even when 99% of people do; I gave up on mourning that. However, I have learned that my body is a temple to be maintained for my spirit / mind. When I neglect it a little too long or hard, it spirals, and my mind goes with it. But when I rake its leaves, neaten its shelves, and polish its statues, it can look so beautiful, that I feel beautiful just existing with it.
Last night, I felt incredibly pleased just feeling the fur of a dog on my lap as I ran my hands over him, not dissimilar to the same feeling on substances, but with the mental clarity to recall the way it felt to my hands. I never used to have the capacity to notice how wonderful these things are until this last year or so, and these moments of simple, pure joy are rare. But despite people and (liberal) society at large insisting that substances are how you gain clarity or essential perspective, I can't help but now feel skeptical that these substances are really doing anything of note. Most of my friend group is maintaining very functional lives despite substance use, which I credit to either me not knowing them well or responsible usage. A few seem to use them too frequently / heavily (e.g. molly, or mixing drugs) or for the 'wrong' reasons (e.g., "feeling off"), and I can't help but notice that either their behavior on substances leads to a major conflict or they get into major conflict within 2 weeks after. It is hard for me to not feel like these problems are created by drugs, or that the fallout hanging over their heads is worsened by how I imagine they feel emotionally but can no longer elucidate to themselves. A friend of mine was concerned that I started feeling sleepy at 8pm, when I had never felt better. I never realized not feeling like shit every day was an option until I got my lifestyle together, and I wonder if they can feel that in themselves.
This was mostly a ramble, on disrupted sleep from some surprise caffeine last night. I would be curious to hear if people have observed similar substance use in their social groups and whatever else.
I kind of relate with you on many of the things you said. I think treating your body as a temple and as something you need to maintain and improve is definitely a good thing. It's no secret why every doctor for the past millenia all advertized for more exercice, healthier food consumption and good rest. It's the foundation on which a human being can best flourish. We're still animals, in a sense. We're still bound to this fleshy corpse that needs all of those good things.
We're also conscious. We're vastly more aware of things than the next most intelligent animals. Humans can wonder, analyze, change, ponder, predict, dwell, understand, share. The brain is such a complex muscle that we are just beginning to fully understand.
One of the tools of awareness is the ability to simulate experiences. Have you ever heard a wild story from a stranger and put yourself in his shoes? To understand what it would have been like? Ever heard someone describe a drink or a meal and imagined what it would have tasted like? Have you ever heard a hardship described by someone and felt so bad for them because you put yourself in their story?
That's empathy.
I've worked on my empathy since the days I've been aware. I've always been proud of how I'm able to understand others, yet one thing I could never understand is how people can ingest drugs to an insane degree that I felt was absolutely illogical.
Still, I needed to understand, so I did.
People use drugs for a variety of reasons, but you will never be able to fully understand the reasons until you truly take the time to either talk to them about it, deeply analyze, or try it yourself.
Some people do drugs because they simply cannot function without it. Some people do drugs because they allow them to think through a difficult problem or to escape a problem. Some people take drugs because they want to feel a unique experience, to create a lasting memory. Some people just want to spice things up, while others want to survive. Some people just don't know better, they cannot live a different way. There are hundreds of reasons, all legitimate. Who's to say you're a better human because you consume or not? Because you're healthy or not? I've known shitheads who never touched any drugs, even alcohol. I've known incredibly kind and loving people who consumed every day.
Everyone has their own life, their own struggles, their own needs, their own relationships, their own survival mode. We all derive meaning from life in our own way. Perhaps being healthy is your life goal, for others, traveling and getting high is their life goal. And that's okay, because everyone lives their life the best they can. If they want to do it with drugs, they surely have their reasons.
I'm always curious to know why.
At the end of the day, if you have the mind of a scientist, you can understand that drugs are simply molecules that change your behavior from its normal state. Who's to say that the "drugged" state is less desirable than the "normal" one? For some, the drugged state is always better, even healthier. For others, it can be life-saving.
For a point of comparison, I’m in your age bracket. Of the dozen or so people in my friend group, barely anyone drinks, and a couple people smoke weed occasionally. When we want to get together, no one is high or buzzed; generally we just enjoy each other’s presence and/or whichever activity happens to be scheduled that day.
I don’t drink, and the only recreational drug I take is caffeine (though I’ve quit several times, and I’m in the process of ramping down again now).
My own wee rant: it’s probably fine to take recreational drugs, I just don’t. If they’re having a negative impact on you (eg. you need to get high to talk to people, you can’t get a good night’s sleep, the monetary cost is too large, etc.), it’s probably worth reconsidering whether the habit is more helpful or harmful. But that could be said about literally anything: you could exercise too much, eat too little, or work too hard as well. Total conjecture, but the issue is around habits that could be coping for stressors somewhere in your life that “might” be better addressed directly. If they can’t, well, ultimately chronic stress kills people anyways, so the treatment just needs to be less harmful than the disease.
Not rambly, very coherent. I sobered up too about 5 years ago (mostly drinking, not even heavy), and it still feels like I unlocked some kind of superpower. I have so much more time to do what I want, issues I encounter feel much more manageable and proportioned. And, above all, I can now clearly detect people that spell trouble from miles away and can steer clear from them without/before it becoming an issue.
Superpower!
I can’t talk about it too much with people that still drink. That’s fine. I notice however how they all drink a lot less when hanging out with me, and that feels really kind. Kind towards me, but also kind for themselves.
Wish you all the best!
I suspect that the core of this skepticism is not understanding just how diverse human brain chemistry is. It always astounds me how differently people can react to the same drugs. I've had plenty of recreational drug use in my past, so I've gotten to see the gamut of human/drug interactions, ranging from literally life destroying to literally life saving. It makes you realize that we are not all just minor variations on the same boilerplate human consciousness.
Take cannabis, for instance. I find that people tend to generally fall into one of three camps: 1) those for whom it causes strong euphoria and relief from boredom/negative emotions, and who may end up abusing it with daily use, ultimately becoming lazy and chronically cognitively impaired; 2) those for whom it mostly enhances focus, with some mood lift or anxiolysis, and who may also use it daily but in a seemingly sustainable way where they are more productive and emotionally balanced; and 3) those for whom it causes excruciating self-awareness, rumination, paranoia, etc. and who tend to either avoid using it or do so with trepidation. I've also seen a trend where after years of use, people in camps 1 and 2 transition (slowly or all at once) into camp 3 (I fall into this category).
It seems like you're skeptical of the existence of camp 2, but I assure you it's real. I know several people for whom daily cannabis use is specifically what enables them to function - to work passionately at jobs, to have healthy relationships, etc. Among celebrities, Seth Rogen and Snoop Dogg famously attribute their ability to thrive in the fast-paced entertainment industry to cannabis.
And of course, there are all manner of outliers. I knew someone in college who, even after smoking a tiny bit of cannabis, became a deranged, borderline-psychotic asshole (the way some people get when drunk) - and when he sobered up, he denied experiencing any sort of negative effect. Also, I am friends with twins who are both seemingly immune to cannabis - no matter how much they smoke, they deny any subjective effect from it, and show no objective impairments (no loss of eloquence, still able to perform complex tasks easily, etc.). Strangely, they still show physical effects like red eyes and dry mouth. I've always suspected they might have mutant cannabinoid receptors, for which THC would have a much lower binding affinity, without necessarily affecting endogenous cannabinoid function.
To bring it back to the topic of 'gaining clarity or essential perspective', it is a common experience in my friend group to have this experience with psychedelics and/or MDMA. I have personally used these drugs to resolve emotional and social problems that I experienced throughout my entire childhood. And in fact there is plenty of clinical evidence of using these drugs to treat anxiety, depression, and PTSD. But it is also entirely possible to have bad experiences with them, especially when they are not used in a controlled setting. And furthermore, they may rarely trigger psychosis in people who are susceptible. So it's entirely up to the individual whether the risks are worth it.
It sounds like you have a good grasp on what your mind needs to be healthy. And if that doesn't include drugs, more power to you. But you need to understand that people have taken the same honest self-appraisal and found drugs to be a part of a healthy regimen.
I don't have a ton to add, but I feel so exactly the same way that this post could have been written by me. For most of my adult life, I participated in drinking and weed smoking, it was kind of just a thing I did and never really thought about it. As I got older and started to appreciate life more, I kind of naturally stopped wanting to drink, smoke, have edibles, or be otherwise inebriated. I like how I feel while sober and I like maintaining my faculties so that I can enjoy just being. I do still have a beer sometimes if I go out to dinner with friends, but it's honestly more for me about a good pairing with the dinner than getting drunk, which I have no desire to do these days.
I like remaining me and waking up me instead of letting a substance alter how I behave and the more separated that I am from using substances, the more I think it's weird how ingrained substance intake is ingrained in our society. Alcohol especially is just a thing you do and has been that way for thousands of years, despite it obviously altering how people behave. I think I just don't "get it" anymore and that's okay, people can enjoy what they want (except obviously in dangerous scenarios like drinking and driving) and I'll enjoy being myself nearly 100% of the time.
Generally, yes! I very much sympathize with your experiences.
I was fortunate that me not drinking or using THC never seemed to be much of a downer for my social group, but I was never really leaning hard into that anyway. I used to have two mugs at the pub once a week with friends but subbed diet coke for health reasons many years ago. I'll occasionally split a pitcher of beer for like, reunion get togethers and old times sake, but not on a regular basis.
I've struggled in my life to balance my happiness with my sense of contentment. Often, the things that make me happy aren't necessarily the things that make me feel content. I largely attribute this to the tension between my experiencing self, and my remembering self. My remembering self likes it when I've accomplished things and felt good/healthy and generally drives how content I am in life. My experiencing self is driven more to what makes me experience happiness in the moment.
My challenge has been attenuating these two signals, and I've found a good balance that let's me be happy and content, which included a path to (by modern standards, very) healthy living with occasional small indulgences that leaves me ready to do things that make me happy now and content with how I spent my time later. Also, like you I've never really felt that I experienced happy the same way other people seem to.
So it sounds a little like you've found a balance, but your social group hasn't really embraced it. As a bystander on the Internet you shouldn't give my thoughts any great weight, but I will say that it doesn't seem healthy for your friends to be disappointed that you don't imbibe or do other social drugs on a routine basis. It feels like they should be happy that you are with them and having fun socially. That they need the people around them to imbibe with them to have fun is a common red/yellow flag that their relationship with substances isn't the healthiest or in balance.
What I might suggest, if it comes up, is you explain to them, earnestly, that you are happy in life and happy spending time with them, but that the using the substances yourself detracts from that happiness. You can't control their behavior, or how they react to yours, but if you convey to them your commitment to the friendship and that you are still "present" in the social group despite not using, that's about all you can do.
You can't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, and you shouldn't sacrifice your health and well being to indulge friends chasing times gone by.
In my anecdote, most of my social circle eventually followed suit, just a decade or two later and to a lesser extent. They realized in hindsight how hard the drinking and weed were on their health and well being and really cut back to special occasions. The only real exception has ongoing struggles with health and depression, including feeling "left" by the group. But we always invite them out and to chat on team speak, etc.
Which is a long way to say good luck, and I hope you keep up the things that make you happy and leave you content.
I’m happy for you and your approach to these issues. In my 50s I’m still a steady consumer of my weed and wine diet. But I take a lot of breaks and listen to my body when it needs to be cleaned out.
I have to admit I find it quite ironic that you finish your post with:
It indicates to me that we all have very different ideas of what constitutes health, purity, and drugs. I have a sensitivity to caffeine that makes it borderline dangerous to me. I live in constant amazement that this powerful drug is still legal while so many others are not. Four bites of chocolate will send me into irritable paranoia and muscle spasms. I’ve never had a cup of coffee. A can of soda will keep me awake for 24 hours of misery. I’d prefer to snort lines of coke rather than drink a cup of green tea.
The only other drug that really messes me up is nicotine. Give me LSD, MDMA, psilocybin, hell even ketamine before any of our so-called “harmless” legal drugs.
This isn’t any judgement on you, though. Caffeine and nicotine affect us all in different ways. As do wine and weed.
Agreed tbh! Ironically, I was also going to end my trigger warning with "Chocolate is better!" but I think sugar is an addiction on some level so I didn't.
I slightly know what you mean about caffeine; I noticed a big difference in energy when I delayed caffeine consumption by 2 hours and when I started having "decaf days." I very rarely had more than 2 cups so it wasn't like I was a heavy user on paper. Now I can feel the "caffeine high" rage sometimes, where I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and the caffeine hits wrong. The best way to describe it for me is like your body is screaming at you to be annoyed at things that your mind knows is not even a problem.
My partner is a medium / heavy pot user (and has experimented with a lot of substances in the past, and uses some still). I had my qualms about it, but he can stop when life gets serious and be there for the people he loves. When he is high, the worst thing that happens is that he gets a bit 'silly' and that doesn't make for the fastest intellectual conversations. The worst thing I've ever seen him on, by far, was World of Warcraft...