atoxje's recent activity

  1. Comment on Any male victims from female abuse? in ~life.men

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    First of all I’m sorry for limiting this topic needlessly to male victims of female abuse. By reading your perspective it dawned on me how insensitive that framing is. Thanks for taking the time...

    First of all I’m sorry for limiting this topic needlessly to male victims of female abuse. By reading your perspective it dawned on me how insensitive that framing is. Thanks for taking the time to reply anyway. I’m glad it didn’t hold you back.

    When reading how your family reacts to your ex, it just hurts me to see how the burden of proof is placed excessively on you as the victim. To me, it would be enough for someone I love to say they feel discomfort with me keeping in touch with someone like an ex, for me to take notice and act accordingly. It just baffles me how hard you are pushed as a victim to share harrowing stories in order to be respected. (And even when you do share, you rarely are respected.)

    I wish you all the best. You’re not alone.

    12 votes

  2. Comment on Any male victims from female abuse? in ~life.men

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Thank you for sharing. Triggers all kinds of memories. The way my mom spoke about men was horrific. I hated myself and distrusted myself so hard for being male. Even now, it still makes me so...

    Thank you for sharing. Triggers all kinds of memories. The way my mom spoke about men was horrific. I hated myself and distrusted myself so hard for being male. Even now, it still makes me so vigilant for other people’s boundaries in a way that often makes me forget I have boundaries too.

    I remember that during the abuse I had this one line I kept repeating in my head that got me through. ‘It ends with me.’ Even at a young age, I was very aware of the intergenerational dimensions of abuse, probably because my mother kept repeating how she had always been a victim. That sentence, ‘it ends with me’, gave me the strength to keep looking for the peaceful waters as you so aptly call them. I found them, more or less. Even though I still struggle to accept how I will always carry this history with me.

    (And the accusations my mother and sister directed at me when I dared to speak of the abuse at a later age, are probably the biggest scar.)

    19 votes

  3. Comment on Any male victims from female abuse? in ~life.men

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    I get it. I send you all the strength and kindness I have. You’re not alone.

    I get it. I send you all the strength and kindness I have. You’re not alone.

    21 votes

  4. Comment on Any male victims from female abuse? in ~life.men

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Thank you for sharing. Awful stats and yet somehow in a strange way comforting to know.

    Thank you for sharing. Awful stats and yet somehow in a strange way comforting to know.

    10 votes

  5. Any male victims from female abuse?

    ~life.men Ask
    I was talking to a dear friend of mine who told me years ago how he has been physically abused by his wife and how hard it was for him to share this, because so few people believed his story. Or...

    I was talking to a dear friend of mine who told me years ago how he has been physically abused by his wife and how hard it was for him to share this, because so few people believed his story. Or laughed when he dared to share. Yesterday we talked about how hidden these stories are. He believes it is a lot more prevalent than it seems. People are just to ashamed to share or afraid they won’t be believed.

    I recognised his trouble. I was abused by my mother for years, physically and mentally, after she separated from my dad (who she abused as well). In my life I have shared this story to only a handful of people, often being disappointed by their reactions.

    What made this especially difficult was how my mom managed to convince me and the people around my family that my dad was actually the aggressor. ‘Woman gets beat up by man’ is just a lot more believable.

    In hindsight, it feels like such a twisted dynamic, where my mom as a female abuser used the stories of actual female victims to hide or defend her own abuse.

    Of course I do not in any way want to diminish the aggression that women experience. It is a lot more prevalent, and this issue needs all the attention it can get.

    I was just wondering if there are any other men here who are victims from female abusers and if you recognise the difficulty in sharing your story as well.

    57 votes

  6. Comment on University at forty in ~talk

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    That’s nice to hear, thanks! That is something I wonder about: do you feel weird being older in that setting?

    That’s nice to hear, thanks! That is something I wonder about: do you feel weird being older in that setting?

  7. University at forty

    ~talk Ask (advice)
    (This post turned out longer than I planned. TLDR: I’m thinking about going to university at forty and I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with this and would like to share those?) For...

    (This post turned out longer than I planned. TLDR: I’m thinking about going to university at forty and I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with this and would like to share those?)

    For those of you who would like to know more background:

    I grew up in a dangerous household which is why I moved out from my mom’s house at seventeen and immediately started working. I worked as a freelancer and started some small businesses, mostly in advertising and technology.

    About ten years ago (at 30yo) I felt both advertising and technology were not the places I wanted to work in. These were just the places that were accessible for me at the time in order to make a living and survive. But when the survival mode subsided, I found they didn’t fulfil me personally.

    I had a daughter on the way and wanted to find a way to make more of a positive impact on the world. Because I had no idea how, I started interviewing people who I looked up to. People who are very aware of the issues that the world faces but are not paralysed by it. People who try to fix the biggest issues of our time.

    Very unexpectedly, those interviews became a big hit. The response was so overwhelming, that it has now been my full time job for ten years. I’ve interviewed 150 beautiful people, published two books in the process and I’m working on the third.

    In the past 6 months the financial stress of running this whole thing has lowered dramatically and we have found people who are helping us with the whole practical side of running this thing/interview series/podcast/art project/… (I don’t know what to call it). Which made me think about what’s next.

    When I was seventeen, all my friends were at university. I loved having them over and talk about what they learned. At the time, I hoped my business would become so successful I would be able to afford private tutoring in everything that peaks my curiosity. That didn’t happen :).

    The interviewing I do sometimes feel like private tutoring. I have learned an immense amount from these people. Albeit not really in a structured manner.

    On of my favorite YouTubers had similar issues growing up as me, and recently posted a video where he announced he was going to college. It made me think about my own life. Maybe I don’t have to stay ‘a dropout’/“selfmade” (I disagree with that term but many people call me by it anyway).

    My life is safe enough now to go to university. I can afford it, and I believe getting a formal education would very much challenge me, enrich my work and my writing and could maybe even be fun?

    This is a long winded way of asking if anyone here has any experience in going to university at a later age. As I stated in the title, I am almost forty, and as much as this idea excites me, it also scares me and some relevant stories would maybe help in knowing what to expect.

    Thanks for reading this far and sharing whatever wisdom you’re willing to share.

    29 votes

  8. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Roguelike dice builders sound interesting! Could you share some suggestions?

    Roguelike dice builders sound interesting! Could you share some suggestions?

    1 vote

  9. Comment on What video games would you say have the best stories? Feel free to suggest more than one. in ~games

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Glad to see yakuza mentioned here. These are absolutely some of the more nuanced and layered games I have ever played. How the topic of masculinity is handled within these games, I find hard to...

    Glad to see yakuza mentioned here. These are absolutely some of the more nuanced and layered games I have ever played. How the topic of masculinity is handled within these games, I find hard to find another piece of art in another medium that does this so well.

    3 votes

  10. Comment on Games: Your personal year in review for 2025 in ~games

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Thank you for suggestief final profit. I’m playing the demo now and having fun. It’s a special game with a lot of character. Eager to find out how the story will evolve.

    Thank you for suggestief final profit. I’m playing the demo now and having fun. It’s a special game with a lot of character. Eager to find out how the story will evolve.

    1 vote

  11. Comment on What are your favorite simple pleasures? in ~talk

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    You know that’s really nice to read actually. Thanks a lot for sharing. You remind me how much it helps to just talk to people who know what I’m going through when writing. Can you specify how...

    You know that’s really nice to read actually. Thanks a lot for sharing. You remind me how much it helps to just talk to people who know what I’m going through when writing.

    Can you specify how long you commit yourself to writing daily?

    2 votes

  12. Comment on What are your favorite simple pleasures? in ~talk

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    How did you manage that last one? Asking for a friend. ^^

    How did you manage that last one? Asking for a friend. ^^

    4 votes

  13. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    atoxje
    Link
    Story of seasons: grand bazaar! So basically you’re a farmer. But but but: you also sell the stuff you produced in the market every week. And that’s such a smart move. I was having a long...

    Story of seasons: grand bazaar!

    So basically you’re a farmer. But but but: you also sell the stuff you produced in the market every week. And that’s such a smart move. I was having a long conversations with a farmer the other week, and she shared how fulfilling it was to be at different markets every week with her wares. The farming alone becomes very lonely, she said. And bult listening to what her customers think about her food and want form her, she gives her work at the farm more meaning. It’s also an economic necessity, she shared. It’s the only way for a small scale biologic farm to survive, is to sell directly to customers.

    When I told her about story of seasons grand bazaar, she was very excited and recognized a lot about her work. So it’s a farmer approved farming game!

    1 vote

  14. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Oh how I loved the planet crafter! All the more once I found out it's actually made by 2 (I think French) brothers. I agree with your point about it almost being an idle clicker kind of game. But...

    Oh how I loved the planet crafter! All the more once I found out it's actually made by 2 (I think French) brothers. I agree with your point about it almost being an idle clicker kind of game. But I also felt a lot of love poured into it by the devs. This was not some "lets try to squeeze as much money out of as few dev hours as possible" scheme. I felt the devs punched above their weight with this one, and that's shown in some of the jank in game. Too bad the DLC didnt get good reviews, otherwise I definitely would play that one too.

  15. Comment on Fitness Weekly Discussion in ~health

    atoxje
    Link
    I don’t know who it was, but I just want to thank the person who mentioned MacroFactor in this thread a few weeks ago. I’ve been using the app and it really helps me understand what an appropriate...

    I don’t know who it was, but I just want to thank the person who mentioned MacroFactor in this thread a few weeks ago. I’ve been using the app and it really helps me understand what an appropriate diet is for my body & activity level. And as a bonus: I got to know all kinds of cool lingo like recomp and calorie expenditure and trend weight. ^^

    1 vote

  16. Comment on Fitness Weekly Discussion in ~health

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    I’ve been using Runna to generate my training plans, just finished my first 8 week program, and it really helped me to build up my running again in a structured way.

    I’ve been using Runna to generate my training plans, just finished my first 8 week program, and it really helped me to build up my running again in a structured way.

    2 votes

  17. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Thank you for the write up of your favorite mods. Made me google and discover that, contrary to what I believed, I can effectively mod stardew valley on my steam deck. I’m gonna try it out and use...

    Thank you for the write up of your favorite mods. Made me google and discover that, contrary to what I believed, I can effectively mod stardew valley on my steam deck. I’m gonna try it out and use your list as a starting point.

    2 votes

  18. Comment on Does anyone have a digg invite code I can get ? in ~tech

  19. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Hm iracing doesn’t seem to be available on PlayStation. From your experience and the other ones you mentioned, which ones come closest to the realness of iracing?

    Hm iracing doesn’t seem to be available on PlayStation. From your experience and the other ones you mentioned, which ones come closest to the realness of iracing?

  20. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    atoxje
    Link Parent
    Me too! ^^ I definitely will share my questions if they come up. For now we’re still toying around with different racing games and copiloting each other’s races. Ok purchase I wondered if it would...

    Me too! ^^ I definitely will share my questions if they come up. For now we’re still toying around with different racing games and copiloting each other’s races. Ok purchase I wondered if it would be worth the money, a few days later and I’m wondering why I waited so long to order.

    Oh, I wonder: what games do you play mostly?