Guilt and video games
Hi! In the past (in my 20s and early 30s) I played a LOT of video games. I realized at some point it felt pretty damn close to addiction. At the very least it was a problem. I have since managed to reduce and embrace moderation. I’m now entering my 40s. However, I can’t help feeling a certain sense of lingering guilt when I do play. It’s as though a voice inside my head tells me “you should be doing something else with your time.” My rational mind thinks that with moderation, some gaming is not that bad. It’s not conflicting with responsibilities, work, relationships. Helps my brain relax and I prefer it to something like TV which is far more passive. I play mainly rogue-like games. No online games, no loot boxes, no fictional currency. Think Dead Cells, Balatro, Hades, small(er) games. Wondering if others feel this way and what do you tell yourself or do to mitigate the guilty conscience? Am I just too strict or mean to myself?
Sounds like you already know you’re okay. That’s a hard thing to always believe in so I would say don’t beat yourself up for doubting yourself sometimes.
I saw a video from a therapist on intrusive thoughts. And she used the bus metaphor to suggest a way of dealing with those thoughts. It boiled down to: notice your thoughts (the passengers), don’t argue with them, don’t try to get them off your bus, but don’t follow their instructions either. Just notice them, and realize you are the bus driver. Your rational mind is deciding where you’re driving to. Sometimes, some gaming.
It helped me a little. (Also because she used a toy bus to illustrate her metaphor and halfway through the video it suddenly started honking because she inadvertently pressed a button or something. The whole scene was so endearing I couldn’t help but try her approach.)
Thank you! The bus metaphor is a good one for me to remember. First time I come across it so thank you for sharing. I’m definitely my own worst enemy, not just in this example, but in other facets of life. Intrusive thoughts probably make up like half my thoughts! Always a voice there playing the devils advocate in any scenario, and making up imaginary scenarios that add zero value most of the time. I definitely need to start ignoring those passengers and focus on driving the bus. Luckily, I think the bus driver does prevail in important matters, but damn, those are some rowdy passengers!!!
Similar approach to what I do.
Whenever I feel this way, I think of how many people are out there right now arguing about any topic under the sun. From conspiracy theorist bloggers to carpenters and scientists - everyone has an opinion, and most questions don't have one correct answer (particularly as you move away from hard sciences - the best way to live your life is very far from being a hard science).
My brain is full of conflicting voices, opinions, and ideals, and they're all just bloggers, journalists, and scientists sharing their views. I have to decide if one or more of those opinions are valuable and useful to me based on whatever information I have, but in the end I get to choose whose advice I want to take.
Sometimes I'll catch my mom's voice in my head or feel guilty about something - probably installed in me when I went to church as a kid or whatever. That is a garbage blogger being annoying. I close it out just like I would a Fox news article. Not interested.
The video game thing, I mean, do what makes you happy. Double check that someone didn't instill guilt into you. If you actually feel like it's not a good use of time, then cut back accordingly. But if you set aside societal expectations and all the other garbage, you will see that life doesn't come with instructions or pre-set goals. You live ONE TIME and it's up to you to decide what this all means, what's important, what you want to do with your time, etc.
In 100 years, John CEOs accomplishments will mean exactly the same as your video game achievements - shit.
Let's focus on the facts, and rational, logical reasoning. A simple checklist:
How much is X affecting...
If your self assessment checks out, then it's probably not a problem. If you see yourself in a yellow zone with any of the above, though, your conscience is probably right, and should probably be listened to to steer things back to where they need to be.
This is a great succinct checklist. On bullet 2, the big thing is communication. Beyond just “tonight I’m hoping to play a bit of X.” What is your family’s body language telling you? Is there stuff happening that you should be a part of? If they’re also just gonna be reading or watching TV, is it possible to play your game in their company, say on a Steam Deck?
Sometimes I do play something in the iPad, while others watch TV. But to be honest I never asked them how they feel about it. I’ll do that.
I’ll got to gaming only when I know I’m not really needed for anything else. I do prioritize real life responsibilities.
A Steam deck would be cool but knowing myself I’ll probably sink a ton more time in that than I should. So many old games from my childhood on Steam, I won’t resist playing them!
Right now, a rational self assessment does check out. However, part of me always worries that I’ll fall back into my old habits of playing way more than I should. I often think that not playing at all might be wiser. That way there is no risk. I think that’s actually the correct approach for a lot of more dangerous addictions.
I do see a lot of people being able to play games in moderation with no negative effect on their adult responsibilities. I’d prefer to be one of them rather than stop playing altogether.
It sounds like some of your discomfort comes from the arbitrary amount of time you spend gaming.
Have you considered scheduling gaming time? Something like on Wednesdays from x-y time or Tuesdays and Thursdays from x-y time. Whatever you could look at and feel comfortable spending this amount of time per week on. Check in with your loved ones to make sure they agree and that there are no conflicts.
If you find yourself doing it outside of those times you know you're spending more time on it than you're comfortable with because you've predefined what that is.
Hmm that’s a good point. Now that I think of it I feel less guilty on a weekend when, for example, everyone else is taking a nap. Maybe it could be a weekend activity, and that way can also double as a reward for a job well done during the work week.
One other component of this that may or may not apply to you is the non-stop "encouragement" to monetize everything.
The internet has made several job types that were once very hard to get into now very accessible, especially anything involving entertaining (YouTubers, streamers, and other "content creators") and handmade product/crafts (mainly those that can be sold through an online store). Granted, it's not easy to become "big" in these fields, but it's possible.
And because it's possible... you'll see tons of people grinding to get there, and telling others that if they aren't trying to profit from their time spent, that they're wasting their time.
But if you take a step back, it's absolutely insane to suggest everything we do should go towards making money. It's completely fine to spend time doing what we want for the sake of enjoying it - even if we spend some money on it. Because if that wasn't the case... everyone making money wouldn't have a source of income, because no one would have time to spend their money on "time wasting activities" while working so hard.
As long as what you're enjoying doesn't harm or endanger anyone (including yourself), go for it.
I’m not looking to monetize my hobbies, that’s for sure. My job checks the income aspect of life, fortunately. However, I do appreciate this side of the conversation. It’s a good point. Games are an affordable hobby. Have you tried winter sports? Holy crap! Even something like indoor rock climbing is not cheap. Maybe some sorts are sort of affordable — once you have all the gear. Games, especially the ones I play, have no in game currency to spend real money on, and they are typically small games. Or I’ll buy them on sale. Don’t care about having them right away. I’m not in a rush to pay $80 for 1 game. So, that allows me to save money, which does feel good.
A lot of younger people may find me uncool, but I’ve always been content with a 9-5 job, even if the job did not always coincide with any of my hobbies. Ideally yes it would be cool to make a living out of something close to your heart. But on the other hand “selling my soul to the corporation” means I have a stable income which means no financial stress. As long as money is necessary, each of us has to figure out how we want to go about having a source of income. Becoming a famous streamer who plays video games for a living will only be on par with a corporate job for a few select people. And I really wonder if those people are even having fun anymore, when they have to play games versus playing them for fun. At what point do the fans start to dictate your choices because otherwise you can’t pay rent that month?
I've long since been arguing that video games are one of the cheapest forms of entertainment, measuring by cost per unit time. Sports or athletic activities, movies, live shows, sports spectating: all quite expensive per hour. You can buy a video game, even a popular one at full price, say, 70 or even 80 USD. If you play that even for just 40 hours, you've paid just 2 bucks an hour. Many people play a game for well over 100 or 200 hours, making the value even better.
Yup. Very true. It adds up fast. Even something like going out to a restaurant, then grabbing coffee somewhere is now an activity that costs around $100 for 2 people, unless the meal in fast food and the coffee is 7/11.
I don't think that's "uncool" at all. If my job checked a few more boxes, even though I'm not enjoying the work itself, I'd put up with it and stop looking for another one. But between the aggressively annoying clients that my bosses admit they wouldn't work with if they weren't desperate, the potential future instability, the lack of benefits, the questionable morality of some of what I'm forced to do, and not enjoying the work itself... I'm doing what I can to find something else.
Ooof that’s rough. Yeah I’d be looking elsewhere too. That does not sound fun. I’ve left jobs for a lot less than your list.
Yeah, what was originally a temporary job (in my mind) has turned into my longest length job. Job market sucks right now, trying to not get emotionally heightened in any direction, but it's tough.
/noise
It is though. I try to remind myself to be happy with the job I have on the bad days. Job hunting is not easy. I hope my role remains ok for a while. I don’t want to lose it.
Are you me? I feel the exact same way. I also play mostly rogue-likes these days.
The problem with the guilt is that I also feel stupid for spending most of my free time being productive instead of relaxing and doing what I want. So I “lose” either way.
The best way I’ve dealt with this is to manage the productivity and use gaming as a reward. I’ve done something productive, so I’m going to play something free of guilt for a while. Then when I inevitably recap my day I can say I got something done and I got to relax and have some fun. It isn’t perfect but it seems to help.
We humans sometimes like to think we are unique snowflakes, but I find a lot less unique than we might think in our own heads. We share a lot of the same issues, thoughts, feelings. Or maybe I’m your doppelgänger!
I think that to a certain extent, I do use that reward system as well. Perhaps my struggle is with recognizing that I deserve the break and not feel guilty about taking that break and using the time on whatever hobby that may be. Whether it’s staring at a wall, going for a walk, or playing Dead Cells for an hour.
I think the desire to feel like we're always being "productive" with our time is an insidious one, sometimes a cultural expectation ingrained in at least some of us, for decades. Time enjoyed having fun (whatever that entails) is not wasted time, IMO.
However, I think it is valid to take a step back and analyze our behavior and make sure we're making trade-offs we're okay with. If video games / enjoyment / etc is being done at the expense of something else, you have to ensure you're okay with whatever level of trade-off is or isn't happening (health, relationships, work, etc), and I don't think that line is drawn in the same place for everyone, because our lives and situations are so different.
I also think another angle of analysis on this is valid, and this is the big time one I struggle with to this day, is often the trade-off I am making is at the expense of doing something else i enjoy too, so that can cause guilt- because games/media are often a "route of least resistance" to take for free time or enjoying oneself.
I have to remind myself that I'm actively making these trade-off choices because of how I feel, etc. and to not beat myself up over it... and I think the subtle, poisonous "must be productive" indoctrination rears its head here too... I often will have watched media or played games for hours and later think to myself "I could have been reading, drawing, writing music, doing stuff for my blog, practicing guitar, etc for those hours instead" and that balance of "multiple things I want to do" and taking the "easy" route of media/games still inclines me to feel guilty or frustrated, but a lot of the time it may just be true that I don't have the mental or physical energy for some of those other things- and thinking of some of those as "more productive" or "less productive" things to be doing I think just a sign of how, at least for me personally, deeply the "productivity" culture has poisoned me
I haven't yet figured out the best way to juggle this latter "balance of things i want to do" thing. It's like sometimes my actions still differ from what I, at least in my head, want for myself to be doing- and that disconnect, while not identical, has a flavor of "addiction" to it in a way I do not like
Bit of a side note, but a good read on this is a book called Burnout Society. A great quote from it:
I think you nailed it in that last paragraph. “A flavor of addiction”. I think that’s it. It’s not so much that I feel guilty for not being productive. I am still productive: 8 hours a day at work, house clean, laundry done on time, dog walked, other family/relationship priorities met. I’ve managed to quit drinking and cigarettes (it’s been many years for both). I always have a heightened alertness about “am I getting addicted to something else now?”. Another comment said something about literally scheduling chillout time as an activity and framing it as simply that - time to relax, no worse than TV or other screen related hobbies. But I think it takes a long time for that inner voice to change.
My classic inner monologue is “this one hour of gaming would be better for me if I wrote something”. Writing is always on my to do list of hobbies, and always gets deprioritized. Can’t I just get my brain to get addicted to writing? Why is it so easy to get hooked on screens? I know why - rhetorical question.
I don’t even know if something like writing in my blog is more “productive”, but I think it’s a creative outlet that I do need in order to feel better in life. Games are creative to some extent, kind of like “creative problem solving”. But writing, drawing, making music, making anything really, feels more gratifying. Games feel like the easy route, like you said. “I need a break after a day at work so this is fun and disconnecting” (games) VS. “I’m building something meaningful (even if it’s meaningful just to me)” (writing a page in my journal).
When guitar hero came out I used to play it and feel guilty that I was spending time pretending to learn guitar. So I got a real guitar and learned how to play that instead. Actually playing music is also nonproductive since I’m not getting paid for it. But it has many social benefits and almost nobody considers music a waste of time.
As long as it doesn't affect other aspects of your life I personally don't see anything wrong with it. I do more or less the same, even the type of games is similar, I do sometimes whish it was a more social hobby or that it'd allowed me to learn some useful skill but then I see the average online/mmo type of game and I quickly loose interest.
Luckily, yes, it doesn’t affect the core aspects and responsibilities of life. I probably need to be less harsh on myself.
I did try some online games in the past, but I never stuck to them very long. I think they are too stressful. I want to play to relax my mind. When I tried Warzone and Apex Legends about 5 years ago, I was so tense playing that I got a shoulder pain, wrist pain from clutching the controller too hard, and nightmares that I was being hunted down. Brutal! Not for me.
The only time I get bit by this is when playing a game that is particularly grindy (like most MMOs). I don't mind some slower progression in games but if the actual play isn't rewarding or just feels like pointless work then I'm done with it and will find something better to do.
I grew up with a lot of people that had the mentality that all games are a waste of time. But then I saw these same people spend hours in front of a TV or just sitting by a pool and realized they didn't know squat. As long as you are enjoying something and it's not getting in the way of responsibilities then there's no problem.
That sounds familiar. Often in the evening the choice is either some sort of TV show on a streaming service or some sort of video game. The video game feels more rewarding and actually engages my mind. I do like shows and movies, but lately they all feel like recycled plot lines.
Yeah I usually prefer games but some TV is fine too. I think the important part is to just not stress over that little voice. It can be helpful to have as a reminder to evaluate if you've forgotten any responsibility but if not then you can to tell it to chill out and enjoy your free time.
I think you are right: there probably is something better you could be doing with your time. However, I might suggest looking at your situation from different perspectives. Suppose you had a good friend who played video games when they could be doing something else that, presumably, was more productive. Would you think less of this friend for doing so? Would you be ashamed of your friend or your friendship? Perhaps, but you might also accept this part of them as it is.
While I do believe that dissatisfaction with ones self is an essential prerequisite for growth, kindness to ourselves is also important. Often, the way that we treat ourselves is reflected in our treatment of those closest to us - forbearance with our own shortcomings is excellent practice for being forebearing with others. In addition, there are no guarantees that our bad habits cannot be replaced by worse ones. How unfortunate would it be to curse one vice only to find it replaced with one that even desirable.
For what it's worth, I find that video games are an activity that allows me to be called away to help others without leaving behind a mess of tools in a partially completed project. So, if someone needs something, there's no downside to pausing my Noita run and helping where I am needed.
I’d accept the friend for who they are and respect their choice of how they want to spend time. Guess I should do the same with myself.
Good point about games being something that you can easily put down. I didn’t think of that aspect at all until now and you’re right, it’s a good facet of it. Especially with an offline game like dead cells. Can pick it up where the screen went to sleep.
I acknowledge the original point, but it's also true that multiplayer games can't just be paused and "afk'ed" in the middle of action (I mean, not without in-game consequences).
I'm 39 and I play since my teenage years. I also.played a lot more than I do today. One can say, we are quite similar in this regard.
I also play singleplayer games and very rarely I do some online coop with my friends. I tend to play either story heavy games or logic or some racing (arcade and even a bit of sim) or RTS games.
I think of my gaming time as either "interactive movie" (story driven games), "doing stuff I can't in real time" (racing) or enhancing my thinking (RTS and logic games).
There are people around me that rather work on something that can be seen or used by others (ie. making things out of wood) in their free time, but I also know people that sit in front of TV most of the time, some of them seeming addicted to (all the) new series that get published on various subscription services or watching standard (free) program full of Hollywood action movies that are so predictable. And I also know about sport fans that can't miss anything football (soccer) related or that will watch everything F1 related.
And then there come people who spend all their time in pub drinking and bitching how their life is miserable and someone should do something for their good...
Considering circumstances, I'd say my gaming life is actually ok with say 2 hours a day average (sometimes a day without playing, other times 5 hours a day).
If video games doesn't dictate your life, I'd say you don't have to feel guilt about playing them.
Similar experience, indeed. I like how you frame the games you play using the positive sides of each. I haven’t thought of it this way. Thanks for sharing this perspective. You’re right, racing is definitely something I’ll never do in real life, so an hour of Need for Speed is not that bad after all. I’ll go some days without playing too, depends how busy life is with other priorities (family, work, etc). I guess the key is moderation and framing it in a positive light. You’re not wrong in that there are plenty other hobbies many people engage in that are much more passive (TV, scrolling social media) or even harmful (drinking excessively).
Another positive side games gave me was at my teenage years when I learned English (I'm not natve speaker) - my Ensglish teacher one day asked me and my classmate "You are the ones who play videogames, right? I can see that" meaning that we already knew a lot, be it grammar or vocabulary.
I also play games depending on how busy life is. Steam Deck helps a lot for me, as I can play five minutes here, half an hour there, two hours before going to sleep... This is because I want to play. I like good movie but I like good story game even more. It is simply better to be part of the story, not just watch it go by.
And I really like thinking games like Talos Principle (which also have great story on top of all the puzzles), Factorio, Satisfactory, Shapez or any of Zactronics' games. These make you think, sometimes really hard, to advance and they brighten up your mind.
It ahouldn't becme an addiction though. With less than 2 hours a day, I think I'm ok.
English is not my first language either, but I learned more from Cartoon Network because where I grew up we got Western TV channels much earlier than I got a PC. I think I was watching cartoons in English starting in 1990, and only got a PC around 1996. Plus, it was my dad's PC, so I couldn't play as much as I wanted. Still, it did help once the PC was there. Not only games, but the operating system and all the software was in English too. A couple of geeky friends and myself were definitely some of the top students in the English classes at school. Helped me a lot when my family moved to Canada. I was practically fluent in English already. Maybe I should set all my games to a different language now and learn that, haha!
I get feelings of guilt quite often, far more often than I probably should. One way I deal with that is a close examination of what’s really going on.
If I don’t think I should be playing a video game right now, or possibly ever, what should I be doing? Is this that puritanical mindset showing up again that says I should always be doing something productive (work) all the time? Am I actually neglecting something else? If I were to have a conversation with a friend about their guilt over gaming in similar circumstances, what would I tell them?
If the tables were turned and a friend came to me with this same issue, I’d advise moderation for sure. I’d probably tell them that is they really enjoy the games and it’s not affecting anything else in their life in a negative way, they needn’t worry much about it.
For me, yes, I think part of it is a mindset from childhood that says “games are bad, cartoons are bad, etc”. Added to this is the reality that I did spend probably a good 15 years of my life with games being my main and only hobby, so I’m telling myself “wasn’t 15 years enough? How many more years will I linger on this hobby before moving on to something healthier?” I do have other hobbies but I find the mental engagement of video games more fun and relaxing than other things I’m into.
I take breaks by getting up and walking around. Do something functional like clean something. Closer to bed I’ll switch from more intense games to more thinking games, like Dead Cells to Slay the Spire.
I try to make sure I don’t play too close to bad time on most days. I always sleep better if I cut down screen time couple of hours before bed. I’m also trying to make sure I stick to a steady reading habit and right now it’s mostly reading before bed for about half an hour.
I was feeling a bit similar last year and then decided to make it a goal to play more games. I knew I focusing too much on trying to be productive, so I decided to intentionally insert the unproductive activities as a goal to achieve. Not exactly this, but similar to adding "spend at least an hour a day doing unproductive things" to a routine.
It helped me get over the guilt of feeling like I was doing nothing because I now was doing something. It just happened that that something was telling myself to chill and unwind.
This is a cool example of out of the box thinking. Paired with another comment that mentioned framing the type of game based on the experience received (example: RTS game sharpens problem solving, a racing game offers an experience you’d never get in real life), I think there’s some interesting food for thought there. Could schedule the time and also make a conscious choice in the type of game I play. For example: I’ll play Balatro for one hour to sharpen my math skills as the combos always involve a lot of multipliers and math.
Yeah I feel you. I've been playing rdr2 quite a lot recently and I always think of the other hobbies I'm "neglecting"... the ones that are more "productive" especially (cooking, gardening). But I guess time you enjoy wasting isn't wasted time?
Ideally, I’d like to get to a place where I don’t think of games as wasting time at all. If I find a good balance, good moderation, I hope to just see it as a positive fun time without judging it too harsh. I don’t think going to the movies for example is a waste of time. Why should playing a video game for one hour and a half be any different?
Please tell me how to like the campaign for RDR2, because I'm being honest, I'm feeling immense guilt for not liking this polished, beautiful and well acted game.
I used to love AAA story driven games, but so far, it's The Witcher with worse gameplay, no mission saving and acting that I'd appreciate more as part of an acted movie.
For me, story driven games now just serve as a poor substitute for a film or a book narrative. If the action and gameplay is poor, then I find it really hard.
What keeps you going with this game?
I think I just like westerns and being a part of them 🙂. I don't usually play much and that's probably my first AAA game tbh so there's that too.
What keeps me going is probably also the fact that the game is not linear at all from my perspective. Aside from some very forbidden zones (kept for later I guess), you can do pretty much whatever you want.
Cool - so very much aligned with its GTA cousin then. Thanks for the response.
Personally I think it's pretty safe to say the action and gameplay in RDR2 are not poor, they are literally just a slightly more refined version of the second highest selling game of all time.
Maybe it's just that I think it's boring. I don't know how a cowboy shooter could be dressed up any more than it is, but because it's so simple mechanically, it leaves me wanting more front the gameplay loop.
If the expectation is that the atmosphere and story serve as a backstop to simple gameplay, I guess I'd again rather just watch Deadwood again.
Thanks for the perspective, though.
I am no psych, but I can say that with my own personal experiences, I felt a similar dissatisfaction and over time I drastically reduced my video game consumption.
For me, it was a new job that had drastically swinging hours. Could be done at 8 hours, could be done as late as 12. The less free time meant I started prioritizing activities where I didn't just "turn my brain off," like I would with video games, so I picked up different hobbies. It felt like I was missing out when I turned my brain off, the time was precious again, hence the guilt.
It also heavily suspect that the job fills a lot of the needs I was getting through games, too: lots of micromanaging in a vehicle, a lot of driving around and exploring new places and nooks and crannies, lots of views of the city one would normally not get to see, physical exercise, etc.
Lastly, it's been 20 years with me and games. While innovations still occur, they're noticably fewer and farther in between, and the recurring cycles and patterns are obvious to me now. I haven't "seen it all," but I've seen enough to know that it was merely time for me to move on to something different, and there's no shame in that at all.
I can relate to this a lot. The notion of time being precious definitely plays a role. With life being busier than it was, say, in my 20s, I feel like the time I choose to spend on games could be better spent, even if it’s still spent on another hobby that happens to be a bit more fulfilling to me.
Your point about having seen it all also resonates with me to a great extent. I have played games since the mid 90s. I’ve seen a lot of innovation and cool stuff, and it definitely feels it tapered off. How many more racing games do I need to play? It’s basically the same thing with better graphics. I have gone through periods when I stopped playing games altogether, and yet I tend to circle back to them. There’s always this question in my head whether I was overall happier when I dropped games altogether, or am I happier with playing in moderation (to me that means at most 1.5 hours a day - the equivalent of a movie or 2 episodes of a tv show). I still haven’t reached an answer. All I know is that I was very unhappy when I allowed games to take over all of my free time in my late 20s and early 30s. My life feels so much fuller and healthier now and there is always that background fear that if I’m not cautious, I may slip into playing too much again.
Well, again I'm not a psych, but...
....if that fear is quite a permeating one, to the point you find it inhibiting the enjoyment of any video game, there's no shame in going cold turkey to pursue something more fulfilling in it's stead. I don't know what would be more fulfilling for you, but for me I found that through literature.
While I don't sense anything "identity crisis" in what you've said in these posts, it may also be worthwhile to look into "hyperconsumerism" and it's prevalence within "nerd culture," especially the parts about how it ties identity to the brands/things one consumes.
Insidiously, the "features" of nerd culture also work to make quitting the consumption of the "nerd stuff" more difficult, as quitting consumption is now akin to rejecting ones identity. (Ex: "I'm a gamer, so I must game, and stay up to 2am gaming, as that's what true gamers do. With enough time, any suggestions to change this routine becomes a social heresy, like suggesting a teetotaler to drink.")
This may not be a component at all for you, but it may still be worth looking into, for awareness' sake. That may explain the seeming reluctance I think I may be detecting, but again I am no psych.
If you asked me a few years ago, I would have definitely described myself as a gamer. These days I do not. Nevertheless, I’ll look into that concept. Perhaps I’m feeling some lingering effects of it from my past self who would game significantly more, and much later into the night than I ever do now. These days I usually hit the bed by 9:30 and read for half an hour.
May I ask, how did you find fulfillment through literature? I always read something, but did you take it a level up? Book clubs? Writing reviews? Reading articles about the books you read? I ask because I studied literature in university, and I loved it (read books, research, write papers about the books, really engaging with the books and the students in my classes). After that I let that level of engagement fizzle. Got a job, played a lot of video games, etc. I always have a book or two on the go, but progress is slow (my own fault for not prioritizing reading). To tie it back to my post, I’d love for my brain to “reach for the book instead of the controller” so to speak.
For me, the fulfillment I derive is simply because literature is relatively unexplored ground, and that's how I'm able to "reach for the book instead of the controller."
It does tie back to part of what I was chasing with video games, too. I guess at some point earlier on in my video gaming "career" (for lack of a better term) I conflated the "all-engrossing" nature of video games as "good storytelling," and as a result made the connection that books and movies can't do this, so video games must be better than both.
YouTube personalities also likely helped to extend the lifespan of that fallacy, never explicitly stating but heavily inferring through this tone of 'advocacy' for a fledgling medium, as if they truly believed video games could usurp movies and books. If they believed it, it must be true.
The years go by, the patterns emerge and other fallacies creep in to support my initial fallacy, (great world-building does not make for a great story, but I didn't really know any better at the time) and I see those very same games fall victim to enshittification, the storytelling suffered, and I begin to wonder how these companies and studios couldn't seemingly care about what's supposed to be (in my eyes) the works of modern Homer.
Wait, how I can I be so sure to compare this to something like foundational texts? Even I know that's a hell of a claim.
.....have I even read Homer?....
......and from there, I became more open to the idea of reading driven by pleasure. The more books I read, the more I learned about storytelling in general, the less games I played. Now I know that video games can be good at telling different kinds of stories, I realize now that by mostly excluding books I've been doing myself a disservice. Sure, a game like Antichamber is truly amazing, and can probably serve as a method to describe Borges' experiences within The Aleph, but only Borges' writing within the story The Aleph can serve to provide all the before/after context and give those experiences about said Aleph any meaning.
So, I guess the origins of my problems are vastly different from what you have going on, so I'm not going to have a clear answer. I barely had exposure to reading earlier on in my life, (the accelerated reading program in elementary and middle schools served to produce nothing but ire for me toward reading, probably pushing me further to games as well) but nothing like your experiences. I am no psych, but with your background to books being academic in nature, could it be possible you're seeing burnout with all the academic 'higher thinking' topics? Brains need true downtime too, there's no shame in picking up something 'lower thinking.' If it has to be a book, maybe pick up someone like Wodehouse, or even something campy like RL Stine?
Maybe tie another hobby into the book reading? The Hobbit hits different after a 2 hour hike.
I enjoyed so many games as good storytelling, but lately I just can’t be bothered with longer games. If I want a good story I read a book.
Very different experience at your end as far as reading is concerned. Thanks for the detailed answer.
Some books grab me more than others. Occasionally I’ll read one I just can’t put down, and it’s easy to pick up the book instead of the controller in those cases.
As for burnout, yeah, after school I definitely needed a break, but now it’s been so long I do miss it. I graduated in 2008. About time I give that controller a break!
You mention in your comment “…never explicitly stating but heavily inferring through this tone of 'advocacy' for a fledgling medium, as if they truly believed video games could usurp movies and books. If they believed it, it must be true”.
Is there a reason why you think video games can’t have better stories than those from a book or a movie? Granted I’m not a person who is really into movies, and although I do enjoy reading it’s definitely not something I do often, so maybe my opinion is skewed because I haven’t read that many books that would be considered to be high quality storytelling, but I’ve played a few games (Nier Automata, Disco Elysium, The House in Fata Morgana, and more recently Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 to name a few) that genuinely have what I would consider to be fantastic storytelling. I’m also curious as to what genre of video games you were into before you stopped playing, because personally in my opinion RPGs have the best stories so that’s what I spend most of my time playing.
There's a saying that gets attributed to a bunch of people apparently (tried to look it up, and has been mentioned):
I figure you're fine if you do the following:
This could be taking an edible and zoning out for six hours on a random Saturday, playing five hours of your favorite RPG on Tuesday evening, as long as you aren't hurting yourself or others in the process and meet your individual needs.
There are many things others do of little to no practical benefit while deriding people playing video games: Reading fiction, watching TV, going for walks around the neighborhood, etc, that are done to make one feel better. As long as it makes you happy and you aren't addicted to it (like those darn neighborhood walkers), you're doing fine.
Yes, but you're far from the only one. There's this weird, international cultural vibe that you have to always be hustling, working, being productive, optimizing productivity, all that. It permeates all walks of life. This ignores a need for the individual's personal need for self-fulfillment, which could be derived from imaginary challenges proposed by artificial problems and avatars, riding a bicycle, reading a book, etc.
If it's no other consolation, videogames are neurologically more healthy than watching TV/videos/short form social media, which is a "pastime" many people spend hours doing that often requires minimal active thought to pursue. Not to deride people who enjoy TV, but if you're going to be sitting in front of a screen, it's another form of entertainment and, if it fulfills you, it fulfills you.
I agree with everything you said. All good points. I try to leave the productivity hustle at work and once I leave the workplace, I try not to think of it until the next day. I prefer that separation of work and life outside work. I don’t hate my job, nor do I love it 100%. It’s a good job and I’ve been happy enough to stay in it for at least the next few years.
You’re right about self-fulfillment. I think this is where my focus is outside work. To me work is a means to an end: make money to afford an ok life with as little stress as possible. So, outside work is where I look for that inner growth, self-fulfillment, something that makes me warm and fuzzy inside. I get glimpses of this feeling when I engage in things like photography, writing, drawing. But I only get that feeling when I do those things for a few hours or so. It takes my brain some time to get into that zone or flow. Games, on the other hand, are so much easier: turn in the console, boom! I’m back in the game and doing cool things. The reward for a successful run in Dead Cells is felt immediately upon victory, yet it also fades almost immediately too. Is the one wasted? Not really; I got a break, I had fun, some adrenaline and dopamine made my mind happy for a bit. However, the feeling of fulfillment is much greater after I write up a long blog post, or after I edited a handful of photos and I can see that creative manifestation of my mind.
This is one of those things that I've wrestled with myself. It may be a bit of a rationalization, but I view it somewhat in terms of those studies that show diminishing returns in productivity somewhere past 40h/wk of work and where the additional hours spent eventually start to become net-negative.
Yes, I probably could spend my gaming time doing something more productive on work stuff or on one of my personal projects. But at some point, those "productive hours" would start to be lower quality due to fatigue and possibly burnout.
I do sometimes think about how I probably have some X hrs of my life remaining and that I should try to maximize what I accomplish in them; but I also try to recognize that maximizing the hours spent trying to be "productive" is not the same thing! Mistaking them for each other is a cognitive bias.
And incidentally, I've noticed that if I try to code or do work stuff right up until the moment I go to bed, my brain will just keep spinning on the problems, keeping me awake and impacting my sleep. A bit of light gaming (or some other form of recreation) as a buffer before bed helps tremendously.
So some time ago I decided to give myself permission to take some gaming downtime as a form of self-protection. (That said, I do try to make sure to reserve it for after the kids are asleep and when my spouse is occupied by other hobbies; never when anyone needs me for something.)
Same here in terms of others needing me. I play when other priorities are met and I do put "adulting" responsibilities before games. You make a good point about diminishing returns, and I'm definitely not thinking "I need to be productive". I do not see myself doing anything too brain heavy after work. I am tired. But I can think something like reading or drawing could be light enough. Something like coding would likely keep me up too. I think the "give myself permission" part is where I falter, just being too harsh with myself is what I'm sensing from many comments I see here. I'm probably overthinking the whole thing and causing myself this guilt where, as another comment said, "there is no problem."
be grateful that you still enjoy them. maybe the grass is always greener, but i used to be a huge gamer, but now i have anhedonia and can't enjoy them for more than 10-15 minutes about once a week or so
You are not wrong, grass is always greener. Not enjoying games must be tough if you used to love them. Can you still enjoy other things, or is the lack of enjoyment more general and applies to other things too?
i can only enjoy music now
What has helped me immensely is to create a dedicated 'gaming window' during the day. For me, it's in the evening, before heading over to sleep. At some point I noticed my sleep quality worsened significantly if I did anything that would excite my mind before bedtime so now there's a window when the day is basically over for me and I use that 'gaming window' to relax and wind down. I also noticed long-term if I don't have this time of deep relaxation I burn out. So intentionally setting that window and understanding that this is needed for your mental health is key. The evening works great because it's the end of the day so it's easier for your mind to let go of the idea that you need to do something more.
Also, since you have this window don't play during the day. Make it a special time.
Secondly, I have found that even if you do set a window, there's another problem that arises. The problem of choosing what to do and sticking with that decision. I don't limit myself only to 1 game within that window. I also like to read, occasionally watch a series and play different games. I find this helps greatly with keeping things fresh and not getting attached to one activity. So I have a system of "flipping" what I will do within that days window and some extra rules like if I do the same activity two days in a row, It's not even considered on the third day. This system allows me to commit to one undertaking and ignore the mental wobble that you get of "maybe i should do something else?".
These two things have completely transformed my gaming experience. But here's the key: they work because they help quiet your mind and allow you to fully commit. The real foundation underneath both of these techniques is learning how to deeply immerse yourself in an activity. The time windows and rotation system are just tools, helpers that make that deeper engagement possible. Without it, your activity has no meaning to it, it's pointless and there is some dissatisfaction in it. Now there's a lot of various aspects that go into this, but the crux of it is turning your activity into a meditative practice.
Gaming can be a wonderful way to practice for that. Actually, anything can be. And if you learn the art, then the whole endeavor transforms into something beautiful. Then there is no problem.
I largely no longer have this problem. If you do what needs to be done during the day, don't get attached to one activity, and turn it into a learning experience - something beautiful, not something outside of your life that you do so you can get back to doing "real, productive stuff," but as part of your life - there's no problem. I genuinely enjoy gaming now.
Thanks for sharing your strategy and approach with me. This has a hint of zen to it. I was listening to an audiobook about zen today they were eves saying "there is no problem." I think you are onto something here that is a bit beyond regular thinking. The whole meditation facet is uniqe in this context, at least to me, but it does make sense. I'll have to give this some thought and see if I can incorporate some of this thinking.
Were you listening to a book by Shunryu Suzuki ? Perhaps his 'Zen mind, beginners mind' ? I have been reading his talks for a long time so naturally something of him must have rubbed off on me.
But yeah, good spot on the Zen thing. It teaches you to go beyond your conditioned mind deeply into what IS right now. A good story that I recently read from a book, i think it speaks to your situation:
The monk isn't thinking about comfort or a "better" time to do his job. He's not resisting the heat or wishing he was in the shade. His reality, in that moment, is drying mushrooms. That's it. His mind isn't divided between what he's doing and what he'd rather be doing. He is fully present with his task.
Dogens mind is in the future, in the shade, calculating just like yours, thinking about how to make things more ideal, productive.
So, the whole point is to stop mentally running away. If you're washing dishes, just wash the dishes. If you're drying mushrooms in the sun, just dry the mushrooms in the sun. That, in itself, is the entire practice.
Once you do your whole guilt problem just fades away, things become finally clear. At some point you will look back and think "boy was this a dumb 'problem' that I had".
Close! I was listening to the audio version of Becoming Yourself.
Good story, very true. The monk drying mushrooms was simply hot Buddha, right?
I’ve yet to read Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, but I did read Not Always So — many years ago! Time to read it again, perhaps. I bet it will hit differently than it did when I was young.
Even though I was younger when I read that, I remember it did help me a lot. I think I always had a lot of thoughts and a mess in my head, and zen has been one of the few things that truly helped me.
Exactly!
I haven't read Becoming Yourself yet. Mentally putting it to my "to-read" list. I did go through both Zen Mind Beginners Mind, and more recently, Not Always So. I enjoyed the latter way more even though the former is more well known. The talks in Zen Mind Beginners Mind feel deeper in a sense, but it's a bit harder to wrap your mind around.
Currently reading Crooked Cucumber and Branching Streams Flow in the Darkness. Loving both a lot !