How to not snap at someone who is unintentionally annoying
They are old. They are a guest here and want to be helpful, but it ends up being annoying because every time you set down a used pan or cooking utensil, they want to wash it for you. (They know perfectly well we have a dishwasher and that we use it.) They hover while you're working in the kitchen and always seem to be in the way.
It's like they're hijacking my attention span all the time to make decisions. It also feels like (again definitely unintentionally) they're telling you to hurry up and do this thing they want you to do.
I have just come withing a microsecond of biting off their head. I'm baking a pastry, and came to check on it to see where it was at and make sure it wasn't browning too much. I checked internal temperature, noted browning, and the moment I closed the door, before I could turn around to get the foil, they asked me if I knew it was getting brown (that's the way they worded it, "do I know". Fortunately, "YES NO EFFING KIDDING I WAS HERE TO CHECK ON EXACTLY THAT" came out as "Yes."
I don't want to react like this. Please give me pointers.
Have you considered giving them a task to do? Perhaps they feel they should be doing something to help you (for whatever back reason) and this is how they are attempting to feel useful. Give them a specific task and be grateful, then the rest of the time tell them to go relax, or listen to old aunt Gertrude’s stories so she feels listened to. It might get them out of your hair, and allow them to feel they have done something.
Your mileage may vary.
Well, we do give them tasks, but often those don't take much time - there just isn't that much for them to do. I think they are somewhat bored and the dishwashing offers are part of that. I'm very bad at delegating and I should try to do it more and get better at it.
A big thing for elderly is the uselessness, yeah... Is there a longer duration, easy task they can do? Write or type family recipes? Knit gifts (you'd love a pair of warm socks, right? So would your partner!)
Basically something productive and helpful to do that doesn't push your buttons that much.
No, they tend to pass their time with fairly easy online puzzles. They don't remember things well and I don't think they know how to knit (somewhat shaky hands anyway) or have any hobbies. It's a good idea, though, and something DH and I should discuss.
I wonder if audiobooks would be a good fit for a longer term engaging activity - I went through a nasty period a while back where I found I couldn't read any more because of some cognitively limiting symptoms I was having at the time, but as I came out of that I found audiobooks were a lot more engaging and easy to consume for me than reading, and it's not something that had occurred to me to try before a friend mentioned it!
I'll ask. They didn't seem too big on reading before their memory problems became noticeable, but audio books seem like a good way around that. Thanks
I remember going to the library and bringing home these huge boxes back when audiobooks came on half a dozen cassette tapes or multiple CDs. Hell, I even had this gorgeous cassette tape box set of a radio adaptation of the lord of the rings that must have had about a dozen tapes. My grandma used to love them, though, and would rip through books like this. I wish she was around now and I'd set her up with an online service and happily buy her a subscription, I think she'd have got a lot of value from it. They are such a good resource and a great alternative to reading to access literature.
Perhaps bored and lonely? Half the time it’s a way to try and get more social interaction, especially if they are always in your hair and interrupting you. However, I don’t have a good solution for that, some people just need a lot more general interaction than others.
Can you phrase your needs as a request for personal space rather than any reference to their competence/content of their questions? The more you make it about you and the less about them, the less defensive it's likely to make them. Something like "Sorry, _______, I'm just really used to getting a lot of quiet time while I go about my chores. Do you mind giving me some more space during the day?".
Yes. DH and I talked it out this evening and came up with some polite ways of explaining how I'm used to cooking by myself and would like it if they could save their non-urgent questions for a time when I'm not focused on a task.
Well done, I have a tendency to be grumpy (my partner is amazing and now often manages to puncture my moods by dancing the "grumpy dance" at me) and I could feel myself being rubbed the wrong way by the things you mentioned. I admire a lot of people who manage to not be bothered by this sort of thing, and I often consciously try and emulate those people when I'm behaving (or about to behave) in a way that I don't like. That's not very practical advice, but from one person whose weakness is a short temper to a person whose temper is being tested, I'm wishing you all the best.
Thanks. I think talking about it here and talking with DH has been a huge help. Not just the good ideas and approaches but also the sense of being supported.
This is what works best for me too. If it’s about me, it’s much easier for the other person to accept the message and do what I want them to do. It sometimes feels a bit manipulative, but it works.
Sometimes direct is the only thing that works.
"I can't have distractions when I'm focusing on cooking so please stay in the other room"
Remind them of this if they set a toe in the room, say a word or start hovering from any distance. Doesn't have to be rude or confrontational, just spell out the problem to them: "you're crowding me / interrupting me".
I feel you.
My last job had someone who was viewed in the family business as the favored son, and they were older than me, making the situation especially complicated as their older stepbrother was working there at the same time making them truly a part of the family while I was just working there. It caused a lot of internal discomfort, as I never felt like I could really tell them how I felt, no matter how I may have felt at the time.
They were a problem, always repeating what the boss said anytime they were in earshot to hear the discussions I had with them and doing blatantly dangerous things under the mindset of boys will be boys, thinking without consequence in their actions, no matter the potential for loss of business or personal harm.
I ended up making myself known as a recluse known to favor quiet moments over direct discussion unless it was something I had to say that made them think about things bigger than themselves.
My advice, try with effort to avoid creating a nemesis complex where you view their otherwise harmless behavior in a perpetually negative light. It does no good for you or for them, as they likely won't be able to interpret your true feelings about the state of things in a way that doesn't make things personal. Try and create an image of yourself that isn't dependent on their input. Let them do the things they see as helpful like washing dishes and consider it one less thing that you're responsible for.
You know more about your situation and how they affect it than they do, and that gives you an advantage in how you approach them in creating a conflict-free environment that lets you control the situation on your own terms.
You've always got the opportunity to make whatever you're dealing with seem about something greater than yourself, and enlisting their help in making it easier for everyone.
I had to leave that environment for myself, and it took a great deal of time, energy, and patience to do so in a way that they still felt we were friends at the end of it, and even now, months later, they check in to see how I'm doing and to make how they're doing known.
There is always an opportunity to grow your soft skills, even if it may not be obvious in the moment. Exposition after the fact is especially valuable here, depending on how much they know about you already.
You're there to secure a paycheck, first and foremost, so whatever works for you in pursuit of that goal, take it, whether that's what I outlined above or more direct dialogue with leadership.
You will make it through this and hopefully be better at managing those who make things more difficult to manage at the same time. I'm rooting for you as someone who was in the same place not that long ago. Please let me know how things go in the future.
How important is this person in the family? If you piss them off (unintentionally or not), will it cause a problem down the line (I.e., there’s a big difference between a parent/grandparent or their golden child versus some random uncle who doesn’t have particular standing in the family).
They're important, but I think it's very difficult to anger them. They're definitely more likely to think they're at fault. Part of the problem is that they do have some memory issues so they'll forget what I asked them to do.
Gotcha. In addition to what others have mentioned, consider phrasing it as a safety issue; you get very focused when you are cooking, you don’t want to spill a pot of hot liquid on them or hit them with a hot pan, etc.
I like that. Great idea.
It has happened twice that I'm ready to drain my pasta and am loudly saying "Hot pot coming through" and they are standing in front of the sink and apparently not understanding that one should pay attention to yelling...
If it's for a short time that they're staying (a week or less, perhaps), I'd be thinking "Is there really such a huge downside if I just let things get done their way while they're staying?". Sure, it might not be possible with some things, and it might lead to things being a bit different or not quite up to your standards, but if they really want to help I'd be thinking about how to make space for them to do so, even if it means things getting done in a way that might be uncomfortable at first.
I find that I'm quite comfortable relinquishing control and letting things be different to how I'd ideally like them these days, I think because I have worked to actively put myself in situations like that where it's been uncomfortable for me. The more you do it, the more unfamiliar doesn't feel bad (and it can even result in you finding bits that that you want to do their way when they're gone!).
You'd never have guessed it from how I was when I was younger (being a massive perfectionist and generally very particular), though I get a lot of joy from facilitating others' happiness so I do have a natural inclination towards going out of my way to make others comfortable and satisfy their wishes.
Edit: this is just what works for me, I value being a chill and easygoing person and that might not be the right fit for everyone. Furthermore, but far more personal to me:
The other thing I've come to realise is: as a rule of thumb, other people aren't being annoying or doing annoying things, I am getting annoyed by how they are acting or what they are doing. It is not for me to try and control how others act, but I can absolutely examine why I get annoyed and see if some of that comes from me perceiving it in a certain way. 99% of the time people are just doing things with no intent to annoy (though perhaps without considering the impact of their actions), and I can see that as them just being different from me rather than them harming me in any way.
They've been here 6 weeks and are staying 2 more. This has been a test -- at some time in the unknown future their memory issues may become enough of a problem that they have to permanently live with us, or the other sibling (not likely).
I'd say I'm very definitely not like you at all :) I'm used to working solo, and part of my enjoyment of cooking is being fully focused on task. Distraction is annoying.