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How to stop seeking validation?
I don't know why but I feel like I always want validation from others for anything I do, either online or IRL. especially if I'm trying to do something new or a little different. I have no idea how to stop doing that... I'd appreciate any advice
Imagine what you want someone else to say to validate you, and say it to yourself.
Its going to feel really weird at first, maybe try saying it out loud, maybe try pretending that you’re a character you admire from a show or something and you’re helping yourself out.
I pretend I’m the oracle from The Matrix when I need to self soothe, I go, something like, its okay baby take a break. It helps a ton
A simple analogy that always helped me was that validation was like filling a cup. The more of it you’re able to fill yourself, the less you’ll need from others.
Can confirm it feels unnatural for a bit, but self validation helps.
Thats a good one!
I’ve come across the same theory from multiple sources that the things your parents tell you and the way they speak to you becomes the way you speak to yourself
The theory is an attempt to explain why some people put themselves down, don’t know how to self soothe, seek external validation, etc.
These are incredibly hard things to learn as an adult. Most people seek therapy. I did it without therapy, just lots of reading.
I heard something akin to this too. The first little voice you hear in your head is your parents. The second little voice is you. Listen to the second little voice!
I learned another trick to combat negative self talk. It's a really simple exercise:
Right now, think any thought in your head. It doesn't have to mean anything, it's just for the purposes of the exercise. I'm going to use "Shit on a shingle." Okay, pick something to think, close your eyes, and then think it!
Now, in a second, close your eyes again and make the thought sound really loud. SHIT ON A SHINGLE!!!!! Then make it sound really quiet shit on a shingle...
You can control all kinds of properties of your little voice. Try making it sound really close, and then try making it sound like it's across a football field! Make it a really deep voice. A squeaky voice. Make it a whisper. Speed it up. Slow it down. Whatever you want. Seriously, try it.
Once I learned this technique, I started using it on my inner critic. I decided that whenever I caught myself thinking something negative or unproductive, I would imagine launching it from a catapult. "SHIIIIT oooonn aaa shiiiinglllleeeee...!
It has made such a big change in my everyday life. Seriously.
What's that you say? You don't think in words or voice? That's okay, what about imagery? Okay, try visualizing something right now.
Can you make the image SUPER bright? Or try desaturating it and make it black and white. Can you make it full of static and hard to see? Can you change the perspective, like you're looking from behind a corner, or from up above? Can you zoom way out, like you're flying away? Or zoom way in, like you're looking through a microscope?
What's that? What's that you say? You don't think "verbally" or "visually"? Maybe you're alexithymic (or similar), and you rely on physical sensations to understand your thoughts and emotions. Okay, close your eyes and focus on a body part.
Do you feel your focus giving that body part a little tickle? Okay, now move that sensation somewhere else, like your shoulder or your ear. Can you make the sensation more intense, like it's building in pressure? Can you release it like a pressure valve? Heat it up. Make it freeze. Can you make it feel like there's a heavy weight on it? Can you make feel light as a feather?
When I started thinking of my thoughts and emotions as physiological responses that I could control, it changed my whole world. I hope this can help someone passing along as much as it helped me.
I wasn't planning on this comment being so long! Weeeeeee rock on world!! Shit on a shingle!!
I do this with doomer news!
Its happening in a far away land and does not affect me. I will do what I can when I can for those around me and no more.
Hats off to the people who can spend time helping more than their social circle, but I’m tired and need to survive, so I focus on just a couple small things I can do and nothing more.
My buddy told me he has a "council" in his head for guiding his decisions, inspired by the council of eleond. Ever since I've been growing my council with people and characters I look up to. Kevmo the TikTok cook helps me chill about the little shit
Haha thats great, a whole council, I dunno if my brain could handle that. Was hard enough to just make 1 person.
It is incredibly hard to do at first, but start (and finish) a project that you commit to never showing anyone. If you find you cannot finish the project, and you can tell it's because no one will see it, then it's a good indication that the perception you currently hold of your own judgement could use some work. Cutting away from social media can be a big help with reorienting your sense of self worth.
If your current hobby isn't natually something you'd keep private (for instance: working on a plugin for a piece of open source software generally is something you'd share on principle), then perhaps a different hobby can help fill that need.
And it can be small! This doesn't need to become your whole personality. But there should be something you can come home to, glance at on your shelf, and quietly take some pride in. There's a boost of confidence one can acrue having hidden hobbies and talents people don't know about, and that can help separate the need for external validation.
I like this. I think this kind of internal pride and esteem can be fostered from outside of hobby scope as well.
Example of a micro project: make a very healthy and beautiful meal and eat it by yourself without taking photos and without talking about it to anyone.
Another: do an act of charity, but "do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret"
I’ve recently spent a lot of time unpacking my need for validation. The more I unpacked, i saw that I could split validation into some components, recognition/acknowledgement, approval/praise, and appreciation. So when I find myself seeking validation, I ask myself what exactly I’m looking for. Looking for any of those things is not a bad thing, I think it’s a human thing. For me it becomes problematic when it interferes with my self worth, which has been most of my life :)
So what do I try to do?
Recognition and praise are especially problematic for me. I read something that resonated with me, “Recognition felt like a double-edged sword -when I got it, I feared people would resent me. When I didn't, I believed I didn't deserve it.” I began to realize that when people would recognize me or praise me, I would verbally diminish my efforts, and hold back in the future. I didn’t want to shine too brightly and have people resent me. The other thing that I noticed is that, I’m more readily to see when I am not recognized or praised than when I am. It’s all just a clusterfuck of self made angst! So I started accepting recognition and praise when I received it. I’ll say something like, “thank you for noticing, I spent a lot of effort on that!” “thank you, you just made my day!” It’s been really uncomfortable, but I have been noticing that not only do people acknowledge and praise me, but many people are delighted to be acknowledge for their acknowledgement!
Approval is a different beast for me. I WANT IT FROM EVERYONE. I can get paralyzed from the lack of it. I have a deep FEAR that I’m not going to make the right decision. It’s like I need someone to say, “that’s a good idea” or “you’re on the right track” or something to move forward with a lot of things. Another component of that is needing someone to see the worth in something I’m doing or what’s the point. I’ve needed to shift some ways I think about things. The first is, “there’s no right or wrong decision, just decisions with different outcomes.” I ask myself a lot, “what am I afraid of.” Am I afraid of what people might think about me? (who will think it, why does their opinion matter, do they even care, are they even thinking about me at all, why have I given them this power) Am I afraid that I’ll fail and effort will be worth nothing? (don’t I learn something even when I don’t get the outcome I desired, haven’t I at times ended up in a better position - had a better opportunity, greater knowledge, FOLLOWED THROUGH /pats self on back, even with suboptimal results?
This is incomplete, but I don’t know if I’ll have time to finish, so I’m just going to hit post. I’ll end on this: my personal journey through validation neediness, has so far led me to find areas where I can find satisfaction in validating myself. It’s an ongoing thing that I don’t need to be perfect at if there even is such a thing. If I have more time, I’ll post more later.
As an aside, I’m afraid to hit post. Will anyone read it, will anyone want to pull it apart, will it matter? I got something out of writing it maybe someone reading will get something out it.
Maybe it helps to ask yourself per thing what you are asking validation for? What I mean is that sometimes you might be genuinely looking for feedback on something completely new. In that case, validation might be something to not worry about too much.
But if you are making progress, nothing is going wrong then you already know you are doing okay. And as snake_case already said, it is okay to be the one to validate yourself. In fact, I think it is a healthy thing to look at something you are doing and be able to say "Alright, this is going quite well. Good job me!". It simply is part of self reflection.
Aside from broader practical advice, it might be worthwhile to explore what is behind your need for validation. Is it something you always remember needing? Something that started at a certain point in time?