monarda's recent activity
-
Comment on What healthy habit has made a difference for you? in ~health
-
Comment on What healthy habit has made a difference for you? in ~health
monarda LinkI posted up above in a reply about forming habits to establish and maintain friendships. This has done a lot for my mental health. I spent a good portion of my life feeling like no one liked me....- Exemplary
I posted up above in a reply about forming habits to establish and maintain friendships. This has done a lot for my mental health. I spent a good portion of my life feeling like no one liked me. Somewhere in my early 40s, I started creating a a life of isolation. It was like well, since the world doesn’t like me, I’ll just check out from it. I’ll stop wanting any of you. Over the next decade I went to incredibly dark places inside my mind. The self loathing, the hopelessness, the pointlessness of my life, the lack of love, the unworthiness, and the suicidal ideation and more were constant companions. Then I added alcohol into the mix and things got darker.
So what happened? One day I get a text from this woman who in retrospect I realize had been trying to make friends with me for about five years, off and on. This particular day she was asking me if I wanted to go for a walk and catch up. The thing is we didn’t know each other well enough to catch up, but for some reason I said yes. It’s odd that I said yes, because at the time I thought she and I were nothing alike. I thought that the only reason she had ever reached out to me was because she was a nice person, not because there might be something about me she found attractive in a potential friendship. I mean this woman was a scientist and well known artist, and super rich, and worldly, and had a tight knit family, and belonged to different clubs, and held dinner parties, and well, she had everything. I on the other hand was uneducated, and couldn’t shake of my white trash roots, and was a former sex worker, and had spent time incarcerated, and had delved heavily into drugs and the seedier side of life. Why the heck would she want anything to do with me? I felt like a charity case. But anyway, I said yes, and we went for a walk. And it was terrible. The entire time I felt uncomfortable. When we were getting back to our cars, she asked me if I’d like to walk again the following week, and for some reason I said yes.
My life was blowing up at this time. I felt like I was at a crossroads: make changes or watch my life get even more miserable. The problem was I didn’t know how, and I was sick of the hope that comes with trying. Hope was like this trap that would lead me in only to have another failure close in around me. But I tried anyway. I just started doing the opposite of whatever I had been doing. I wanted to say no to something, I said yes. I wanted to say yes to something, I said no. So I said yes to walking with this woman.
After about 5 months worth of walks and visiting with her at her house, I still didn’t know why the heck she kept asking me around. One day she says we need to talk and proceeds to tell me how I’ve hurt her feelings by never initiating contact. She feels like she’s doing all the work in the friendship. I don’t know what to say to that other than the truth. I tell her I’m afraid of bothering her, and that I am unsure that she likes me. I ask her if we’re friends. I tell her I haven’t had a friend in decades if ever and I don’t know what friendship looks like or how to be a friend. I start crying. She tells me, yes, she does like me that’s why she keeps reaching out to me. She tells me that she doesn’t have many friends because she gets tired of putting in unreciprocated effort and endless superficiality.
That was the beginning of me realizing that if I wanted people in my life, I had to stop letting my fear drive all my actions. My brain is fully capable of lying to me. So I started reaching out to her and putting effort into finding cool places for us to walk. I pushed through the fear of feeling like I had nothing to offer. I was knowledgeable about things she was interested in like gardening, plant propagation, sea life, birds, and the like. I stopped being afraid of sharing these things with her in fear that I would come off as a know it all.
And then I started reaching out to other people. Some of those people were people I had ghosted years ago, some of them people I had met recently. Some of those people didn’t reply in kind. At times I’ve felt like I was putting in the majority of the effort, and I’ve come to realize that it’s okay to do that and other times I can let them go because the effort isn’t worth it. I’ve realized that I don’t have to hang out with people just because they give me attention, that people aren’t better than me, we’re all just people.
And it has been a life changing habit. The habit looks like this: once or twice a week I text a few people, and I call a couple. I pick up the phone when someone calls me if I’m not working or sleeping. A couple times a month I try to ask someone to do something with me (they don’t have to say yes), and if I’m asked to do something, I give at least one yes. I respond to texts. I’m willing to try new things and go new places, even if I think I won’t like it. I’m forming new likes and dislikes that are based on the person I am today, not on the person I was 10, 20, or 30 years ago.
I don’t have a busy social life. I don’t want one. But what I do have is connection. I have a couple intimate friends, and a few people who I enjoy spending time with if our schedules align. People text me and share their joys and sorrows and mundanes. And I do likewise. I have a couple of telephone friends, and honestly talking on the phone is better than binging another show I’m just pushing through because there’s nothing better to do. I no longer have this aching loneliness that had burdened me most of my life. I’m not stuck with the unreliable narrator that was my mind every single second of every single day. And the narrator has started being more truthful now that I’m paying closer attention.
That was a huge wall of text. It sort of got away from me.
-
Comment on What healthy habit has made a difference for you? in ~health
monarda Link ParentThis has been the hardest yet most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. And it has paid off in spades for me also. I don’t know what forming that habit looked like for you, but for me, the beginning of...Putting the effort in to create, maintain, and support friendships long term.
• This has paid off in spades lately since I have needed to rely on those relationships a lot over the last few months. Having reliable people around that I trust has helped support me through difficult times.
This has been the hardest yet most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. And it has paid off in spades for me also. I don’t know what forming that habit looked like for you, but for me, the beginning of it was SO uncomfortable at times, I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep it up. Definitely worth every uncomfortable moment.
-
Comment on Why rare book rooms are the best-kept secret for travelers who love history in ~books
monarda LinkWhat a wonderful idea that I never would have thought was a thing to do. When my husband and I travel we often look for power stations, active or inactive, to go visit. It’s taken us to a lot of...What a wonderful idea that I never would have thought was a thing to do. When my husband and I travel we often look for power stations, active or inactive, to go visit. It’s taken us to a lot of cool places, but often we can’t find one open to visitors. We also love books and though we often end up in used book stores, specifically looking for rare book rooms sounds like an adventure we will add. Thank you for this!
-
Comment on How do you want to define 2026 for yourself? in ~talk
monarda Link ParentI like the way you phrased this. One of the things I’ve been trying to be aware of is my comparing things I’ve done to the ideal, and then not being satisfied with myself because they don’t match....I realised that regardless of what I did, I would always push the goalposts farther and farther back.
I like the way you phrased this. One of the things I’ve been trying to be aware of is my comparing things I’ve done to the ideal, and then not being satisfied with myself because they don’t match. Your phrasing spoke to me because I could instantly see the question I could ask myself: have I pushed the goalpost?
-
Comment on How do you want to define 2026 for yourself? in ~talk
monarda Link ParentClearing the decks, that’s a good one. I like the looseness of it. Like it has shape but not so much that it restrains. So much possibility in it! Your way seems very similar to mine. I hope 2026...Clearing the decks, that’s a good one. I like the looseness of it. Like it has shape but not so much that it restrains. So much possibility in it! Your way seems very similar to mine. I hope 2026 brings you what you need.
-
Comment on How do you want to define 2026 for yourself? in ~talk
monarda Link ParentIt’s at a Unity church. I don’t know if all Unity churches do it as I’ve never been to another. And I really don’t know much about Unity except I like this ceremony. Here’s the Wikipedia page on...It’s at a Unity church. I don’t know if all Unity churches do it as I’ve never been to another. And I really don’t know much about Unity except I like this ceremony.
-
Comment on How do you want to define 2026 for yourself? in ~talk
monarda LinkI don’t know yet. I go to church one time a year. Not because I subscribe to any religion or deity, but because every new years this one church does a naming ceremony. During the ceremony we are...I don’t know yet. I go to church one time a year. Not because I subscribe to any religion or deity, but because every new years this one church does a naming ceremony. During the ceremony we are asked to choose a name for ourselves for the up coming year. I never know what I’m going to name myself, but during the mediation period something comes to me. One year I chose Openness as my name. I don’t know why I chose it. And that year was a year of being open. Being open to change, being open to ideas, being open to people, being open to love, being open to the unknown. I loved being Openness. This year my name is Family. I don’t know why I chose it, but it has been a wonderful name. I realized that not only do I have a Mom, a husband, and sons, and grandson but that I am a daughter, a wife, a mother, a grandmother. I’ve contemplated what that means and how I want that to look. I didn’t think I was putting a lot of effort into it, but I have been noticing that these relationships have become richer. For 2026 I don’t know yet. I like that Family has been this year’s intent, and it’s scary to choose a new name. At the same time I’m looking forward to it. I used to have resolutions and hopes for new years, but that never worked for me. I like the unraveling of a name. The figuring out what the unblemished me has in store for us.
-
Comment on Good News Everyone! in ~news
monarda Link ParentThat is such a wonderful story. Thank you!That is such a wonderful story. Thank you!
-
Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2025) in ~health.mental
monarda Link ParentThank you for putting your thoughts into words. Some days it seems like everyone else just exists without effort. I’ve spent so much time in my life wondering what the point of me is. Lately...Ugh! I look forward to someday not have to require meaning for just existing. It would be so nice to just be able exist.
Thank you for putting your thoughts into words. Some days it seems like everyone else just exists without effort. I’ve spent so much time in my life wondering what the point of me is. Lately though I’ve been getting more comfortable with just being, so I know it’s possible. I’ve even just existed for months at a time, and I’ve been finding I spend a lot less time struggling to exist. Suicide isn’t on the table anymore, but I’m not quite to a place where I don’t sneak a glance at it every now and again.
You’re not alone either. I too look forward to you just being able to exist.
-
Comment on What are the simple things in your life that you are thankful for? in ~life
monarda LinkWhen my class ends at night I call my husband as I’m walking to my car. He always does this thing where he checks if the ferries are on time, the name of the boat I’ll be on, where it’s currently...When my class ends at night I call my husband as I’m walking to my car. He always does this thing where he checks if the ferries are on time, the name of the boat I’ll be on, where it’s currently located, and how many tickets are left for it. He then checks my drive time on maps to see if I have enough time to catch it. While I’m driving he gives me updates, and when I get there he starts checking to see if he can see my car on any of the cams and if he does, he says he gets all excited. If he can’t see me, I’ll tell him which cars or trucks are around me. I text him when the car is loaded and again as the boat docks at its destination at which time he checks maps again to calculate my arrival into the driveway. He’s done this for over 20 years and it used to bug the crud out of me. But now I’m so grateful that I see it for what it is, that he’s participating in my life, that he looks forward to seeing me, and that he’s sharing that with me.
-
Comment on TV Tuesdays Free Talk in ~tv
monarda Link ParentI felt the same way about Dept Q while watching it, but after I was done with it, I didn’t mind that I had watched and would watch another season. Let me know what you think of it once you finish.I felt the same way about Dept Q while watching it, but after I was done with it, I didn’t mind that I had watched and would watch another season. Let me know what you think of it once you finish.
-
Comment on What are some of your favorite stews/soups? in ~food
monarda Link ParentDo you do anything different with the Colombian Chicken Stew? I love how easy it looks, but I’m having a hard time believing it’s tasty. I am going to give it a try as written. Thank you!Do you do anything different with the Colombian Chicken Stew? I love how easy it looks, but I’m having a hard time believing it’s tasty. I am going to give it a try as written. Thank you!
-
Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2025) in ~health.mental
monarda Link ParentDefinitely more gradual. My inner dialogue was a gang of bullies, and when they weren’t beating the crap out of me, I got obsessive thoughts of horrific images. Those things still happen, but they...Definitely more gradual. My inner dialogue was a gang of bullies, and when they weren’t beating the crap out of me, I got obsessive thoughts of horrific images. Those things still happen, but they are not incessant, and I’m able to pull up more quickly to an even keel. I started a journal of good memories/things. Old ones, new ones, I started writing them down, and when the thoughts would come, I’d read what I wrote, or think about them, try to visualize them. That helped a lot at the beginning. I did find that my brain can corrupt anything, so eventually, I had to find something else. But it let me know that that crap was INTERRUPTIBLE. Anyway, it’s been a journey, one I’m still on.
-
Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (November 2025) in ~health.mental
monarda LinkToday marks three years from the last time I took a drink. I can’t believe the life I’m living today compared to then. My circumstances haven’t changed, but I have. I feel joy and awe, and pain...Today marks three years from the last time I took a drink. I can’t believe the life I’m living today compared to then. My circumstances haven’t changed, but I have. I feel joy and awe, and pain and disappointment, and I’m grateful for it all. I’m no longer filled with so much self loathing that I isolate myself because I’m afraid of being seen. I no longer spend hours in bed comforting myself with suicidal thoughts. I’ve made a couple of friends. I got invited to go camping, and I said yes, and it was socially scary and sometimes uncomfortable, and sometimes I panicked, but I knew those feelings would pass and wouldn’t have to define the experience. I had a good time! And I’m still friends with them! My children joke with me again and include me and want to hang out with me. I’m present more often than not in my life, and I can’t believe it took me this long to finally live it.
-
Comment on How do you volunteer your time? in ~talk
monarda LinkOur community has an organization for volunteer caregivers. The name makes it sound like a huge commitment, but they match what you’re capable of doing/ want to do with elderly in the community. A...Our community has an organization for volunteer caregivers. The name makes it sound like a huge commitment, but they match what you’re capable of doing/ want to do with elderly in the community. A lot of the jobs are one offs, like helping someone get to an appointment or picking up a prescription. But there’s also opportunities to just go hang out with an elderly person who desires human connection. I got to hang out with this 97 year old guy named Dan. I’d go over to his house a couple times a month and play cards and shoot the shit. He was crotchety and funny, but also really lonely because he had out lived most of his family and friends. Eventually he needed 24 hour care and went to a home near his grand daughter. It was a rewarding experience.
-
Comment on Small production team/amateur documentaries? in ~movies
monarda LinkListers look (oh my goodness, is the word “looks or look?) good! Thank you for posting these.Listers look (oh my goodness, is the word “looks or look?) good! Thank you for posting these.
-
Comment on Can we bury enough wood to slow climate change? in ~enviro
monarda Link ParentI don’t think this works for carbon sequestration. The fungi, bacteria, and other microbes would break down the carbon and release it to the atmosphere. At least that is my current understanding....I don’t think this works for carbon sequestration. The fungi, bacteria, and other microbes would break down the carbon and release it to the atmosphere. At least that is my current understanding. I think this is why many soil sequestration schemes are not really viable for long term carbon storage.
-
Comment on America's dumbest crop: grass in ~enviro
monarda Link ParentBoth sod and grass seed are agricultural products that are harvested and sold. Yes, the lawn I look at today is no longer part of the production cycle, but it was originally cultivated as a crop...Both sod and grass seed are agricultural products that are harvested and sold. Yes, the lawn I look at today is no longer part of the production cycle, but it was originally cultivated as a crop as are most of my other landscape plants.
-
Comment on America's dumbest crop: grass in ~enviro
monarda Link Parentcrop = a cultivated plant.Just because lawn grass is grown, doesn't make it a crop.
crop = a cultivated plant.
Oh, the other part of the prompt: how easy has it been to keep up. It’s easier now than before. But I can still slip into the groove of isolation. I still have to be vigilant on that front. There are a lot of times I don’t want to do something and the unreliable narrator makes all kinds of plausible sounding justifications for giving into those impulses. But I’ve been trudging along long enough now that I know I feel better when I’m connected, so I make the effort to push past that. At other times it’s no effort at all and those times are starting to outweigh the other times.