monarda's recent activity

  1. Comment on The history of popcorn in ~food

    monarda
    Link Parent
    You made a convincing argument to buy Flavacol, and I did! OMG it is so amazing and brings my popcorn to a whole new level. Since I microwave my popcorn, I've had to play around with how I use it,...

    You made a convincing argument to buy Flavacol, and I did! OMG it is so amazing and brings my popcorn to a whole new level. Since I microwave my popcorn, I've had to play around with how I use it, but I almost have it perfect. Thank you!

    1 vote
  2. Comment on Reclaiming Indian food from the white gaze in ~food

    monarda
    Link Parent
    Racism is weird. I don't ever remember that my intent was to cause harm, instead it was to belong or being ignorant, or being thoughtless. It did not occur to me that my words and actions were...

    Racism is weird. I don't ever remember that my intent was to cause harm, instead it was to belong or being ignorant, or being thoughtless. It did not occur to me that my words and actions were part of "death by a thousand cuts." I can't take back anything I have said or done, but I can continue to learn. I really appreciate people like the author of this piece for shedding light about how that happens, so maybe we as society can reflect and be more mindful.

    4 votes
  3. Comment on Reclaiming Indian food from the white gaze in ~food

    monarda
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    I'm ashamed of how we responded to this writing. So once again I will out myself as a trying to reform racist. I'm going to go back in time to words I said related to places. Writing from that...

    I'm ashamed of how we responded to this writing. So once again I will out myself as a trying to reform racist. I'm going to go back in time to words I said related to places. Writing from that point of view.

    Walking into a lobby motel to get a room:
    "The smell, OMG it's so gross" <giggle>. "WTF is this?"
    Brown person walks out from their home attached to lobby, smiling.
    Me: "Do all your rooms smell like this?" <looks at boyfriend with a wrinkled nose>
    Brown person loses smile and (pretends to not understand?) says, "Can I help you?"
    Me: "I said," <slows my words down because obviously they need that> "do. all. your. rooms. smell. like. this."
    Brown person: "Oh you want a room!"
    Me: <rolls eyes> "yeah, how much?"

    Walking down a hall in an apartment building
    Me: <loudly exclaiming> "WTF is that smell?!"
    Friend: All middle easterners smell that way. I hate it.
    Me: "OMG right," <Loudly tells story of smell coming from brown people>

    Oh, and Polacks and their cabbagy disgusting smells wafting through apartment dwellings. Who the heck eats that shit.
    <Joanne Zawoski has me for a sleep over, conversation with my "real" friends afterwards> "Her parents tried to feed me poison. You know what I mean? I almost puked at dinner."

    Did any child who wanted to belong hear my words? I don't know. Did I give a shit? No. I did not.

    10 votes
  4. Comment on Tell me about your living space in ~life

    monarda
    Link Parent
    If you're not a writer, you should be. I read this a few hours ago and it filled me with so much emotion, good emotion-- joyful, laughing, happy type emotion. The kind of happy that is tearful in...

    If you're not a writer, you should be. I read this a few hours ago and it filled me with so much emotion, good emotion-- joyful, laughing, happy type emotion. The kind of happy that is tearful in its beauty.

    6 votes
  5. Comment on Indonesia’s tricked out Vespas in ~hobbies

    monarda
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    This was great, I only which is was longer. Thank you for posting this!

    This was great, I only which is was longer. Thank you for posting this!

    1 vote
  6. Comment on How Ayn Rand ruined my childhood in ~humanities

    monarda
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    I had never heard of Ayn Rand when I came across her books. I read them out of boredom because they were on a bookshelf at a place I was living, and they were some of the only books I had access...

    I had never heard of Ayn Rand when I came across her books. I read them out of boredom because they were on a bookshelf at a place I was living, and they were some of the only books I had access to. At the time I thought they were a cautionary tale that showed how awful life would be if we all lived selfishly. It was over a decade afterwards that I found out anyone read that and thought it was a map to the way they should live their life. How sad.

    13 votes
  7. Comment on Bill requires employers to keep implanted microchips voluntary for workers in ~tech

    monarda
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    I had no idea this was a thing, and I find it quite worrying. I found some additional articles that might be of interest: Endgadget from Nov. 2018 More companies are chipping their workers like...

    I had no idea this was a thing, and I find it quite worrying. I found some additional articles that might be of interest:
    Endgadget from Nov. 2018 More companies are chipping their workers like pets
    The Guardian Nov. 2019 The rise of microchipping: are we ready for technology to get under the skin?

    13 votes
  8. Comment on Using the menstrual cup and open menstrual discussion in ~health

    monarda
    Link Parent
    I've learned more about my body in the last 10 years than I had in the previous 40 thanks to the internet. With that said, I had no idea the Diva cup had been around 20+ years. How could I have...

    I've learned more about my body in the last 10 years than I had in the previous 40 thanks to the internet. With that said, I had no idea the Diva cup had been around 20+ years. How could I have missed that? And oh my gosh I remember the napkin belts. I too always felt like there was something wrong me since I never felt carefree in those things. I hope they sit squarely in the past where they belong.

    I was lucky enough to settle into crone-hood fairly easily. The hardest thing for me was when I was still in perimenopause. I'd go a few months without my period, and then suddenly I would get super depressed and hate myself and my life, then I would start menstruating. Previously I had grown accustom to my PMS symptoms and knew I would feel that way once a month and could manage it, but not having a regular period during those time, made the onset of those feelings have no context. Other than that though I drew the lucky card and it's freaking amazing not having to worry about the whole mess anymore.

    5 votes
  9. Comment on Using the menstrual cup and open menstrual discussion in ~health

    monarda
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    Bleeding is the worst. I can drop my pants and pee anywhere, no shame, but when I used to menstruate that wasn't really an option. I mean it was, because there was no choice. Used pads or tampons...

    Bleeding is the worst. I can drop my pants and pee anywhere, no shame, but when I used to menstruate that wasn't really an option. I mean it was, because there was no choice. Used pads or tampons often went into my pocket until I could dispose of them on a lunch break or the end of day. I started wearing black pants for the sole reason of bleed through not being noticeable. I remember how proud of myself I was when I figured out how to use an extra absorbent tampon with an overnight pad and make it to lunch with only a little blood on the panties. I've done a lot of jobs in fields where porta potties aren't close, and if they were they didn't have anyplace to dispose of feminine products. It took me a long time to just dump my products in the hole and not care. Like what was I afraid of, some guy looking at it as he shit or pissed on top of it, lol.

    I was just beginning menopause when the cup came on the scene, but I totally would have used it if it had been available, with a pad of course, just in case.

    Embarrassing moments? Having to pick just one is hard, so I'll pick this one, not embarrassing so much as when your girl has your back. I was out with my girlfriend when my period came on and it came on with a vengeance, blood dripping down my leg, the toilet paper wad not staying in place, we're drunk as shit. We'd been bar hopping and were about an hour or more away from home by L. My girl had her most prized possession, her fur coat, which she lent me to bleed into as we sat on the train to get home. I never saw the coat again, and we never spoke about it, but I've always felt a bit of guilt about the entire thing. Lisa, I am sorry I ruined your coat. Thank you for taking care of my dignity.

    12 votes
  10. Comment on The Umbrella Academy goes back to the 1960s in season 2 first look photos in ~tv

    monarda
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    I was really surprised that I liked this series. I liked it so much I ended up binging the first season when I should have been doing something else. Will have to re-watch it before season 2 comes...

    I was really surprised that I liked this series. I liked it so much I ended up binging the first season when I should have been doing something else. Will have to re-watch it before season 2 comes out so I can remember everything that happened.

    5 votes
  11. Comment on What is something that most people don't realize is harmful? in ~talk

    monarda
    Link Parent
    I was meeting a client for the first time face to face, and at the end of the meeting he mentioned picking his wife up from the beauty parlor, and I said something to the effect, "I bet she's...

    (though I admittedly probably still dismiss them when they're from my wife; I should stop doing that)

    I was meeting a client for the first time face to face, and at the end of the meeting he mentioned picking his wife up from the beauty parlor, and I said something to the effect, "I bet she's going to look great!" And he looked at me and said, "she always looks great, but whenever I tell her she says I just say that because I'm her husband. Why isn't the way I see her mean anything to her?" And he went on to talk about how sometimes on a whim he wants to go out, but she won't go because she says she looks like crap, and what if so and so saw her looking like that, but he's looking at her thinking she looks as lovely as ever. It was an awkward rant to listen to, and he went on for about 15 minutes wondering why his wife didn't trust that he thought she was beautiful. Ever since then I've made a habit of accepting compliments from my husband. He's not liar, I should believe that what he says is true and smile and be happy that he saw me.

    Compliments coming from outside my immediate family fill me with dread, and it is much harder to accept them. Whenever I say thank you in response, it makes me feel stuck-up.

    14 votes
  12. Comment on What is something that most people don't realize is harmful? in ~talk

    monarda
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    Not affirming the compliments given to our loved ones, or worse undermining them. Example: When my middle son was in middle school, there were a lot of sleepovers on the weekends with his friends....

    Not affirming the compliments given to our loved ones, or worse undermining them.

    Example: When my middle son was in middle school, there were a lot of sleepovers on the weekends with his friends. Sometimes he'd go to his friend's houses and sometimes they would come to our house. When I would pick him up from his friend's house parents always complimented how well-behaved my son was, and I would reply with a laugh with something like, "You should see him at home, he's very different." This would often open up conversation where we would commiserate about the bad behavior our kids had. One weekend one of his friend's spent the weekend with us, and he was an absolute joy to be around. When his parents came to pick him up, I said, "Your son is amazing to have around." They replied, "We know," and started talking about all the ways their son was amazing.

    At the time I was dumbfounded, and I didn't even really know how to respond. Shortly thereafter, I started feeling a lot of shame as I looked at how often I would not accept compliments on behalf of my son. He was an amazing kid, but it was never how I presented it to others. I guess I was in the habit of bonding with other parents over bad behavior. And more horrifying, I did this in front of my son. I would tell him I was proud of him when we were alone but never in front of other people. It was a really bad habit that was really hard to break.

    And I notice it all around me. I see spouses do it to each other, parents do it to their children, and bosses do it to their employees. And I think its hurtful when it is a default response. It's dismissive of the amazingness of those who want or need to be seen by us.

    61 votes
  13. Comment on Daily thread for news/updates/discussion of George Floyd protests - June 16 in ~news

    monarda
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    I’ve Seen My Brother Die a Hundred Times. I’ve Seen My Sister Die a Hundred More. After reading this piece, I was struck with thought, "where will we be six months from now," and by "we" I mean...

    I’ve Seen My Brother Die a Hundred Times. I’ve Seen My Sister Die a Hundred More.
    After reading this piece, I was struck with thought, "where will we be six months from now," and by "we" I mean white people like myself. We'll have the option to fade away and go back to a pre-covid world. Will we care enough to stand if things don't change, and we have other things to do.

    5 votes
  14. Comment on Alexis Ohanian (site co-founder) resigns from Reddit's board, urging them to fill his seat with a black candidate and pledging future gains on his stock to serve the black community in ~tech

    monarda
    Link Parent
    I think it's important for people that can do something, to do something. I have no idea what Alexis is thinking and refuse to make any judgement on motivations he may or may not have, or if he...

    I think it's important for people that can do something, to do something. I have no idea what Alexis is thinking and refuse to make any judgement on motivations he may or may not have, or if he should have done something else instead of what he is doing. He's doing something which is more than a lot of white folk are doing. The only people whose judgement matters is his wife and daughter.

    6 votes
  15. Comment on Podcast discussions & recommendations! What are you listening to? in ~talk

    monarda
    Link Parent
    I just listened to the first episode The History Of English Podacast and am totally hooked! Kevin's voice is easy on the ears, paced perfectly, and the content fascinating. Thank you for posting...

    I just listened to the first episode The History Of English Podacast and am totally hooked! Kevin's voice is easy on the ears, paced perfectly, and the content fascinating. Thank you for posting about it!

    Aside: Does anyone know if there a way in the apple universe to have podcasts play from episode 1, chronologically?

    2 votes
  16. Comment on Space Command S01E01 — The greatest 'Star Trek' type show you're not watching right now in ~tv

    monarda
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    I guess I'm going against the grain here, but I actually liked it. There's nothing polished about it, it has crappy graphics, and most of the cast don't seem comfortable in their roles. To me it...

    I guess I'm going against the grain here, but I actually liked it. There's nothing polished about it, it has crappy graphics, and most of the cast don't seem comfortable in their roles. To me it seems like the start of many sci-fi shows that I have loved in the past. I don't know if in four hours the cast can come into their own, or if the story is too vast to be contained in such a short time, but I'm excited to find out!

    3 votes
  17. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    monarda
    Link Parent
    I hadn't, but it's on my list of next things to try. Thank you!

    I hadn't, but it's on my list of next things to try. Thank you!

    1 vote
  18. Comment on How do you pronounce "antifa"? in ~humanities

    monarda
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    My anecdote: The only time I have heard the word in person was about two years ago on a commuter bus which was usually fairly quiet. This particular night a new rider was loudly making...

    My anecdote: The only time I have heard the word in person was about two years ago on a commuter bus which was usually fairly quiet. This particular night a new rider was loudly making conversation with whoever was close by, and I happened to be one of those people. It was super uncomfortable. He spoke about being part of the the an-TEE-fa movement. It jarred me because that is not how I had been saying it in my head, but that is the way I have pronounced it in my head ever since.

    2 votes
  19. Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games

    monarda
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    I've of late been into games I can play for a few minutes and put down, but that also have enough game play that I can play longer if I want. I'm not liking games that have bred into them a need...

    I've of late been into games I can play for a few minutes and put down, but that also have enough game play that I can play longer if I want. I'm not liking games that have bred into them a need to keep going. It also turns out that I am liking simplicity in graphics with a smoothness in movement. I also seem to like replayability, I am finding it soothing to play something I have played already. These gaming habits are new to me, and I'm still exploring the language of what I like in a game.

    I'm still playing Zen Sand and having beat its 64 levels, I still find myself playing the first 32 over and over again. It's soothing.

    Last week cfabbro recommended Osmos , and I cannot recommend it enough. It hits all the things I have been liking in games, graphically simple with smooth movement -- it's floaty, glidy, I don't know (give me words) and it calms me. In the game you're a globe, and you want to get bigger than the other globes. You do this by absorbing globes that are smaller than you, but every time you move you lose some of your mass, and other globes absorb it making them larger. The mass you expel can also change the path of the globes that absorb it. There are faster and slower type games where different movements you make are more or less important.

    I've been playing arcade mode where you can choose which type of game play you like, and I like the kind that is slow. Where a single tap or two has me floating, gliding slowly to the place I need to be, and forcing me to wait and do nothing until I reach my destination. I can be a real stress bunny, so the forced slow down of the mode I've been choosing to play brings me back down to, I don't know, normal? The levels do get harder and take longer to complete, but I can easily go down a few levels and still find those fulfilling when I'm just looking for something to distract me while my brain figures out something without my interference.

    This is the first game in many years that someone recommended to me that 100% fit. If you're looking for a game that can give a quick fix, doesn't require you to go all in, engages you mind, and is beautiful to play, you should give it a go.

    3 votes
  20. I've been thinking a lot about freedom from self and want to share a story

    How I narrate my life has a lot to do with how I feel in the present. Bad things happened to me and I have done bad things. But there has been good people and good things also, and by forgetting...

    How I narrate my life has a lot to do with how I feel in the present. Bad things happened to me and I have done bad things. But there has been good people and good things also, and by forgetting them and only remembering the pain, I do a disservice not only to them, but to myself and my own wellbeing. I have been changing my story, not because the old narration is not true, but because it omits. It was not intentional omission, I just couldn’t remember. So

    I want to tell the story about a boyfriend I once had named Jack. Jack was a huffer, he huffed paint, and you could always tell what color spray paint was on sale, by the color of the ring around his lips. I believe Jack loved me. He was older than me by about a decade, and I was young, but emotionally I think we were the same age. At the time of my relationship with Jack, I was a ward of the state and moved in and out of foster homes, behavioral modification centers, juvenile hall, and state mental hospitals.

    I want to tell this story about Jack not only because he is most certainly dead, and tenderness and epic feats should be remembered, but also because there is never a place for me to speak about Jack.

    So Jack loved me. When I was struggling with my sexuality and claimed that I only had sex with him and with men because they were easy, he stopped touching me, and allowed me to use his place to explore girls I liked. He would make them feel at home, make food, and leave to do something else elsewhere. He would never participate in a threesome when girlfriends and I were tripping our asses off, or drunk or high on something else, instead he’d go to a corner and huff paint and leave the world for a bit. When a john beat the crap out of me, and I wouldn’t go to the hospital because I was afraid of being arrested, he stitched me and set bone, all while cheerfully talking about how we would murder the bastard. In recovery we made elaborate plans for execution and giggled, and snuggled, and listened to music and had gentle sex, because I like girls, but I am not really gay.

    Jack was also a planner. And not only could he make a conversation about plans to murder some deserving asshole, he could also devise and follow through on plans on how to bust me out of my various incarcerations. Most of them failed, and one cost him his own incarceration, but he had some successes. When I would be incarcerated, Jack would go to libraries and planning offices and find architectural and electrical plans for the buildings I resided in. We had this coded language we used in our letter writing where I could let him know where exactly I was located inside the building and he could let me know how far into a plan he was without a censor being able to casually figure out what was going on.

    And Jack succeeded. Power went out, and I crept down stairs without alarm, and we met in bushes, and we moved through yards, and made our way to bus stops and subways until we were safe, and far, and naked, to talk and laugh, to tell the story, and have or not have sex. And then he would go to the corner and huff and fall away from the world. And I would go out into the night to make a buck.

    Jack made it his mission to keep me from being locked up. He would pretend to be the brother or uncle to gain entry, to find weaknesses and to exploit, constantly on the lookout to find ways to extract my freedom, almost like he understood that I was locked up not because there was something inherently wrong with me, but that there was something wrong with the system that could not be bothered to parent the child who they had authority over. Me drugged on Thorazine, Jack carrying me down an elevator through a front door towards freedom, a quick puff at the parking lot, a friend waiting in a car around the corner, laying zoned out together, looking at Jack with his mouth stained blue. Grateful.

    He had a horror story of his own that he never foisted on anyone. He also had once been a child of the state. And paint and other inhalants completely annihilated his pain. But he loved me, and paused his own decline to show me acceptance and love and tenderness. I could rest.

    Jack’s name is not Jack. His name was Bill Pfeiffer. And it has been easy in my life to tell my story that no one loved me, that no one believed in me, that no one ever let me breathe. But Bill Pfeiffer did. And as the narration of my life changes, and I focus more on what I have had instead of what I did not have, Bill once again comes to free me.

    9 votes