Does anyone have any advice for new dads?
I'm going to be a father soon. This kid was very much planned, and I've been pretty involved every step of the way, yet it still feels bizarre to say that out loud. At 26 (27 when the kid is born), I don't feel like a kid, but in some ways, I'm not sure I feel mature enough for parenthood.
I'm not too worried about the immediate logistical practicalities of parenthood. Things like how to clean, feed, and physically handle a newborn are things I can learn and seem fairly straightforward. Regarding what to get, I live within walking distance of a fairly well known baby supply store, so I figure I can just buy things as the need arises. I'm expecting that first month to be hard, but after I "figure out" the kid, I'm sure it'll be manageable. My folks did it, their folks did it, I'm sure I can do it too.
I guess what I'm really dwelling on is the more abstract aspects of fatherhood. I don't know what to expect and I don't really know what I don't know. What does it feel like? How should I prioritize my life? How do I figure out what's important and what isn't? I want to do what's best for the kid, but what does that even mean? How much is expecting too much from the kid? My wife wants the kid to be able to speak Russian, naturally, I want the kid to be able to speak English, and living in Japan, the kid will also have to pick up Japanese. Is that going to stunt the kid? I have so many questions and no one to really ask. I asked my own dad about it and all he said was something along the lines of "every kid is different, it might take a bit of time to really sink in that you're a dad" and that was that.
A bit of background about my situation:
On one hand, I'm in an okay place. I have a house with a very affordable mortgage, a modest, but stable career, and I live in a very safe part of Japan, which offers a lot of support for new parents. On the other hand, both my wife and I are thousands of miles from our respective families, so we're pretty much on our own and neither of are as fluent in the local language as we'd like to be.
I give a box of ear plugs to all new parents. People always think I give them as a gag gift. I'm not, they are life savers.
My favorite was my Apple Watch constantly alerting me that the decibel level is too high. I know Apple Watch. He’s literally screaming INTO my ear canal. I know!
Literally. Many babies would not have been shaken if their parents received this gift.
haha, all right, I'll order some earplugs now.
Noise cancelling headphones + chill music adjusted to the appropriate volume are another option (don't block out all exterior sound by setting the volume to 11).
Nope.
You have hardly slept in days, this kid needs round the clock care for the first few weeks/months, and you're just fucking spent. Then you hit hour 6 of blood curdling screams and it hits you - this right here is when someone with slightly less impulse control shakes their baby.
You either need to set them down and walk away, or you need to pop in two headphones and listen to a podcast or music. I always chose the headphones. It really takes the edge off the screams.
This is such simple and good advise.
I used my noise cancelling headphones very often because it allowed me to remain calm and focused, instead of overwhelmed and stressed.
This sounds maybe a little dismissive, but, there's not a ton to know immediately. Change their diapers, feed them, hold them. You won't have a ton to do immediately, because your partner will be taking the lead, given they will be needing to breastfeed most of the time, so do your best to support them. They might struggle due to exhaustion and they may have postpartum depression, don't hold it against them and do your best to be calm, collected and assist in anyway that you can; don't ask what you can do, just find the need and do it. Bring them a glass of water, burping cloths, a snack, etc, etc.
Your baby will be a tar shitting sack of potatoes for a good long while and that's ok, it's what they're supposed to be doing.
Do not shake them; you're going to want to. You'll be awake every couple of hours and frustrated when they won't eat, they're not wet and you can't figure out what the fuck is happening. Put the baby down and walk away, they're safe in their crib; safer there than with you when you're sleep deprived and frustrated.
You'll figure it out as you go and it's always changing. Ask for help if you have friends and family nearby.
It's very likely I'm just overthinking this, haha. My wife's a champ, I just hope she doesn't push herself to hard, because she'll do so quietly. I'll be sure to keep her fed and watered with adequate sunlight throughout the day.
Not being able to ask for help is probably the most challenging part. I have one younger sister who lives in a city a few hours away from me, but for the most part, the rest of our families are oceans and continents away.
Noted. I will not shake the baby.
@BeardyHat is right.
Do not ask her what can be done: observe what is being done, learn how to do it ASAP, then take over. If she says you're not doing it right, swallow your pride and learn to do it right, over and over until she's satisfied that you've got it. Don't argue or pull rank or pout or dismiss whatever differences in style, just do it her way for now so she can rest. Y'all can revisit this topic when you're both sleeping 6-8 hours a night again.
Whenever you have the thought of "it looks likes she's got it covered, Imma go [whatever]", set a timer to do what you need to do quickly, then come back and take over so she can go do whatever. Don't simply walk away until she calls you back, well past her silent breaking point. This is how marriages are destroyed.
Edit for emphasis: do not walk away or sit idle or otherwise wait until you are called over - if you don't have baby you are on cleaning and prep duty - she's not your supervisor she's your partner. If you're not doing at least equal time you're not doing nearly enough.
She'll push herself too hard, almost sure. So for the first months your job will be more about keeping the baby alive and taking care of your wife. It'll be hard for you but 100x harder for her.
Hello, fellow dad and teacher here.
My first thought upon holding my son for the first time was "Oh fuck". If I have to be honest, I didn't have that instant loving bond; that came later and I had to work at it.
In my life I began to consider decisions I made in a different way. Instead of just thinking about a nebulous "my future" it morphed into "our future."
Re: languages, go ahead and push for all of them. I will be up front and say it may seem as if they are lagging behind but there is a lot of processing going on behind the scenes. With enough exposure to all these languages, they will be able to learn and develop normally. In fact, there's increasing evidence that there are huge cognitive and language benefits to learning more languages early.
This seems to be a not so uncommon sentiment amongst new dads. Even my own father mentioned that in the beginning, he'd come home from work and think "oh right. there's a baby". I'll try not to let it get to me if I don't love the kid as much as my wife does off the bat.
On languages, I hope that splitting the kids time between three languages will still yield enough exposure in each one. Japanese should be fine once they start school, but I'll likely be the kid's only exposure to English while my wife will be most of the kid's exposure to the Russian language. We have some friends from America, Russia, and Ukraine that are also trying for kids right now, so we're hoping that'll be some extra exposure, but I might be getting ahead of myself here.
I'm the only one that speaks my language in the house and I stick to it strictly with the kids. It's not easy, especially because their primary language is much better. Sticking to it can be hard as it can be frustrating to have a conversation with them that would be easier in another language they speak better. They frequently answer me in their primary language. But when the second language comes out from time to time, it is some of the most proud I've been.
On language itself, I'd like to reiterate that research is showing huge benefits to multiple language learning. Kids can be behind in reading and speaking up to third grade, at which point they see an explosive growth and generally end up ahead of other peers. When a child is born, they can differentiate all language sounds but within the first year they begin to focus on the sounds they are hearing from their parents and will lose the ability to hear/differentiate language sounds not used in the language(s) they are exposed to. This could impact their accent and comprehension if they start learning another language later (some will advocate to focus on one language first).
In addition, it is my personal opinion that being exposed to multiple languages inherently exposes them to different cultures in a way that fosters a broader tolerance and understanding of other cultures, ideas and that things are different in different places (and that that is OK).
Finally, we use Netflix and other streaming services as an additional language "learning" source. The kids account is set to the secondary language so when they watch something it will be dubbed if available. It helps to expose them to a broader vocabulary and speaking style than just hearing it from me.
For me, one of the most important thing to realize is that nothing is set in stone with kids. There is no magic deadline you can miss to teach them something, improve a behavior, build a bond, get involved, etc. Don't give up. For babies, your job is to keep them alive and to keep your and your spouses sanity. Get your hands dirty and you'll be fine.
Good luck!
They live in a country where English is seen as "cool" and a world where it's got a huge international presence, so I wouldn't worry about English. Use English with them yourself and they'll be fine. When they get older is usually when it gets tougher but with English, they'll probably have a lot of external motivation to use it.
Just to add, the lack of immediate connection is, perhaps more surprisingly, also something that can affect mothers too! And I’m not talking about postpartum depression, which is its own kind of struggle.
It’s not uncommon to take a while to deeply warm up to them beyond the more general care for a vulnerable little person. The sleep deprivation, mental and physical exhaustion, frustration, and for quite a while very little substantial reciprocated interaction certainly doesn’t help.
Just take it one step at a time. Actions and words speak infinitely louder than internal thoughts; you’ll be a good parent as long as you’re there for your kid and spouse, show them care and love, regardless whether there’s Disney-level magic in your heart yet or not.
If you are going to send them to an "international" (tier 1, tier 3, whatever) school they should pick up English and the local language quickly, but that's 6+ years down the road.
They remember so very little of their younger years. But they'll remember that one time you yelled, flipped out, grabbed them, whatever. Be kind. Be patient. Nothing is as important as they are. That said, they'll be fine if you leave them with a sitter and take time to be a good partner/spouse as well, even if they cry about it.
Be there for them. "Quality time" is not as important as "time". Be there for them and they'll come to you when they need help.
Your reaction at times might be "I told you so" or "why the heck did you do that?" Instead make your first reaction be a hug, "Are you ok?", or "What can I do to help?" There's time later for a lecture.
That's a good perspective to keep. I'll be honest, being patient and kind is one of the things I'm a bit nervous about. I'm not an angry or aggressive person by any means, but I know I can come off a bit cold and callous at times if I'm not careful, so it's something I'll be paying extra attention to.
Anecdotally, I have always had a lot of patience and could keep my cool under pressure. Enough so that it was a regular compliment in school, sports, emergencies, etc. I have found myself more frustrated, for longer periods, after having young kid(s) than ever before, amplified by the poor sleep.
Be prepared, recognize it, do what you need to do to handle it. It’s ok to let your baby cry for a few minutes while you step away to cool off. It’s ok to ask your spouse to step in because you’re at the end of your rope. Fasten your own mask before helping others. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid enough.
1.) Create a sleep schedule. You and your partner get four hours a piece. Say 'bedtime' starts at 8pm. First sleep shift. Then at midnight, you swap. 4am, swap again. Not to say you can't nap but having a bassinet downstairs or in the living room and making the bedroom a sleep palace will vastly improve the quality of the limited hours of sleep you and your partner get.
2.) Sorry, your life is the baby's now. Any time you choose to prioritize yourself is taking time from your partner. Be very clear when you need things. And, if you need to, the 12am - 4am baby shift is a great time to game quietly. You and your partner have to do the rest of the temporal budgeting together - be clear and honest and what time you need and are using it for.
3.) Babies are kind of potatoes for a while. They need constantly but just the same three things - food, cleaning, and sleep. Worry about language later, you've got tiresome work ahead for the next... Eighteen years.
4.) Nothing is a cure all. All babies don't respond to the same stimuli. All of YOUR babies won't respond to the same stimuli. If anyone has advice, answers, or comments just thank them and drive on... Unless it's a doctor, listen to them.
5.) Nothing is important, everything is. The best times sneak up on when you don't have your camera or are reading an article on your phone. Nothing will break your heart like the first time they don't want to do something you've done every night for years. The bad times will end. The good times will end. To a kid, going to the store can be the most exciting day of their life. Little scientists, exploring which drawers make the best clanging sounds and why putting your knee there makes daddy squeal like that.
This is what we did and it was a huge help.
With that said - I never really found the sleep thing to be that big of a deal. What I mean, @odysseus, is that I spent some time in a combat arms branch of a military, and so I already knew that I could go for a very long time on very little sleep indeed. I already knew that I would hate life when I first woke up, but that once I got moving the "oh god fuck this" feeling would recede and the rest of the day would be alright; and I already knew that it would eventually be over, after really not that much time.
I think a lot of new parents let the mental aspect of sleep deprivation get to them. It becomes this bugbear when it really probably doesn't need to be. You'll be okay.
I don’t think it’s mental. I went in to my first child thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal because I’m a night owl. For the first few weeks, it seemed like I was right. Then the initial novelty and adrenaline wore off, the terrible sleep wore on, and it was rough until the kid started sleeping the night. When the second kid came along, I still went in with confidence… and quickly got my ass kicked.
Sleep deprivation effects depend a lot on the individual. Some people get drowsy and fight to stay awake through the day; this can be dangerous for a newborn as the risk of falling asleep while holding them goes up, as well as making mistakes in the daze. Some people slowly run out of patience, able to complete the tasks required but getting frustrated and shouting/snapping/whatever easily. Some people have no problem once they’re awake and caffeinated. Some people’s issues kick in under 7 hours and others not until under 3.
Then there’s how long it’s going on. A few particularly bad nights will have a different outcome than weeks on end. You can’t store sleep, but deprivation - or at least the effects - are cumulative. Plus, after a long enough time of nights with frequent wakings, it becomes a bit of an habit for your body, and it can be hard to get quality sleep when the rare opportunity arises.
There’s also how that little amount of sleep is broken up. Getting two 3h chunks is so much better than waking up for 15 min at the top of every hour and sleeping in 45min chunks, even if they both end up with 6h of sleep total.
I’m extremely sensitive to sleep loss. Not sure how I’d handle having a child. I suppose I could get lucky and have an easy baby. And I’d be able to afford a Snoo.
Thanks for the thorough perspective. Sleep is something we'll definitely have to figure out through trial and error. I'm a morning person, my wife is more geared towards evenings. She also needs a bit more sleep than I do in general. I work from home with flexible starting and ending times, while my wife is planning to quit working all together, so we're definitely fortunate to have a level of flexibility on that front.
Regarding hobbies, well, these days we spend most of our time just sitting and chatting over tea or snacks with each other, so there's not a lot of "me time" I'll have to give up. The main thing is just making sure I have enough uninterrupted time in the middle of the day to get my work done since I'll be the sole source of income for a while.
Thanks again for sharing, especially point 5. I think I needed to read that.
Also, I should add based on your username, don't go fight in the Trojan war. The war won't be too bad for you but getting home will be a pain.
As a father who also lives far away from family (not quite as far as you, but far enough), I have six specific suggestions for you. These may seem glib, but I'm deadly serious. Things not covered by these you'll either figure out quickly on your own or the pediatrician will set you straight on.
Buy a couple of packs of handkerchiefs, and carry one with you all the time. They are nose-wipers, tear-dabbers, face-napkins, blood-stoppers, butt-cleaners (with a little water), emergency capes and bandit masks, and, occasionally, an emergency diaper. I buy handkerchiefs for the parents any time I go to a baby shower, no matter what's on the registry.
Learn a few origami models. The number of times a crane, flapping bird, boat, samurai helmet, or dinosaur has given me a few moments' peace are uncountable.
Talk to them all. the. time. Talk to them when you carry them or wheel them down the aisle at the store. Talk to them while feeding them or changing their diaper. Read to them when you run out of things to talk about. Do it in different languages as needed. Someone else mentioned this already, but it's pretty important.
When you're starting to potty train them, buy a pack of post-it notes and keep it in the diaper bag. When they sit on a toilet in a public bathroom, use a post-it to cover the automatic flush sensor, and keep it on there until they leave the stall. Kids sit just at or below the beam, and any time they move, the toilet flushes; modern toilets have a loud flush that scares them and makes them not want to go to the bathroom when out, which will make for accidents and added stress for both you and the child. Also keep in mind that going to the bathroom is one of the only things young children have control over, so don't try to force it on them. Let them guide you on when they're ready to start learning, or they will exercise their one lever of control. Also, hand dryers can be super loud; cover their ears when they use them so hand-washing isn't a frightful experience as well.
Be willing to take the baby off by yourself; your wife will need the breaks, even if she says she doesn't. When you go to a store, take the kid to the toy or book section by yourself; let her browse. When at home, take the baby into another room to play or on a walk when you hear her teeth grind. The flip side of that is that you'll need breaks as well; I recommend a trip to the restroom when you feel your blood pressure rising. Five minutes of peace can reduce frustration immensely, even if you just stand in front of the toilet and do nothing.
This one is the most important, and the hardest, but it is essential; build a local family. Make sure you have friends you can invite over when the baby goes to bed. Have a couple of friends you can count on to watch the kiddo while you and your wife go to the DMV or store for 20 minutes. Take advantage of the neighbor who says they can watch them while you go out to dinner. Find the lady who watches kids on the side instead of a regular day-care and stick with her. Raising a kid is a lot of work, and it's extremely difficult to do it all on your own.
Thanks for the tips! The first two reminds me of what my mom used to do when I was young. I just assumed that she was just into origami, but now that I think of it, I don't think she's folded anything since my youngest sister started school.
Building a local family, as you put it, is going to be difficult for sure. We have a loose circle of friends, but I don't want to ask too much of them. We'll see how it goes.
I think it's hard to overstate how stressful it is to have a newborn and how tired you will be for the first few months, especially as new parents. That's even if everything goes perfectly with labor, delivery, nursing/bottle feeding, mom's health, and baby's health. If not, things will be even more stressful. Every bit of preparation you can do before the baby arrives is a gift to your future self.
With that in mind:
I would think about having supplies on hand. Sometimes when you need something, you really need it then, and you will either not want to walk to the store for it or it will be the middle of the night. (If you live near a 24 hour baby supply store then that is amazing and I am infinitely jealous). Some things in the "you will want them immediately when you need them" category are: snot sucking bulb, gas drops (simethecone), Vaseline, and diaper rash cream.
Don't buy too many diapers until you know what size you will need and what kind you like. I know lots of people whose baby ended up too big for the diapers they had and they ended up giving them all away. But you can never have too many wipes.
Think about the logistics of laundry, nursery, cleaning, etc. and set things up to make it as easy on yourself as you can. For example, if you have more than one floor, set up a changing are on with floors. For the first few weeks, have easy meals planned. Not "I can whip this up in 30 minutes" meals, but "I can reheat this in two minutes" meals. The first entry in my baby journal is, "we may never eat a warm meal together again."
Regarding the mechanics of parenting, I think it would be valuable to do some study ahead of time. You really don't want to "figure things out" with a screaming infant on your hands. You also want to take advantage of all the knowledge available about how to keep your baby safe. Thinking about this ahead of time will also help you make sure you are on the same page as your partner. Since it sounds like you have different backgrounds, it might be surprising how many things are "of course everyone does it this way" but different for each of you.
Here are a few starters:
Good sources for information: pregnancy and birth/newborn classes, spending time with friends who have babies, reading books, joining parenting forums on Facebook/reddit/whatever, especially local groups who can point you toward local resources.
Notwithstanding any amount of prep, know that you will still feel overwhelmed by things at times. Be kind with yourself and your spouse. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you get overwhelmed, it's always okay to set the baby on the floor and walk way.
Couple of pregnancy/birth suggestions:
As far as the bigger picture stuff, a couple of thoughts:
Finally, two miscellaneous suggestions:
Couple of caveats:
It feels like you got some solid data dumps, so I'll try to lean more for brief and poetic:
You have shouldered none of the hormonal, and a fraction of the emotional and physical toll of creating this being. This will continue. Therefore, cliche though it may be, you are best equipped to be The Rock for this family. Remember that when your partner's needs feel beyond reason.
Every other person's child is not going to be your child, and their partner is not your partner. Their learnings have value, but their answers will not be your answers. Trust your instincts, learn to read your own signs and make your calls with confidence.
The child is more advanced than you think it is, at basically every stage of its being. It will observe, capture, retain, understand and emulate. Remember this in all your own actions and words from now on.
To end, a few small practical pieces of advice:
The Wonder Weeks made the very early milestones more fun to understand and track.
A relatively frequent concern early on was: Oh my god, {observation}, is the baby dying??? A tempered and reasonable guide for navigating these moments was Baby 411.
This reminded me of something that happened around 6 months. My daughter had just started sitting up (mostly) unsupported, so it was notable when one day she was in her high chair sest hunched over the tray staring at it and sliding her finger up and down. I remember thinking, what in the world is she doing? then looking at myself and my wife, both hunched over the table scrolling our phones. Mirror solidly held up.
Someone told me that the kid is always learning from you, whether or not you're trying to teach the kid, so I've been trying to work on my bad habits and whatnot, but I'm sure I'll still have a lot more to work on even after the kid is born. Thank you for sharing. I'll also try to see if I can get my hands on those books here.
You will discover new personality defects and bad habits you never knew you had.
Haven't seen this mentioned: in your go bag (you have a go bag packed, right?), have a shirt with buttons. Any midwife worth the name will hand off the kid to you for skin-to-skin contact asap and it's much more comfortable to do that if you can just unbutton your shirt. Not one of the "what to take to the hospital" lists I saw mentioned this. Skin-to-skin cuddles with a newborn are the best thing in the entire world.
Other than that, don't overthink it. People say being a parent is very hard and they are right, but it's hard like digging a hole, not hard like quantum mechanics. Kids are easy, especially babies. They're just tiring. If you're smart enough to ask for advice now, you're very likely smart enough to not really need any of that advice.
Exactly like digging a hole hard.
There's a difference between complexity/difficulty vs hard. Babies are hard because they still need you to function at your near best after you've become exhausted months ago.
It's not go to the moon complex, it's walk to the other side of the continent then walk back here and start again hard.
Like digging a hole. I've never heard it put that way before, but that's comforting. I can push through tired and uncomfortable. Thinking is what gets difficult when I'm tired.
Right. A go bag. I do not have one packed. We're only about halfway through, so we have a bit of time, but you're right, it's better to have that prepared sooner rather than later.
I don't have much to say about your other questions but this one I do know the answer to, as I did a couple linguistics degrees. The short answer is no, this won't stunt the kid. The longer answer is that they may temporarily learn language a bit slower than monolingual peers (since they're learning three of them!) but that they will almost certainly quickly catch up and the benefits of being multilingual are lifelong. Young humans are incredibly good at learning language.
I know a lot of couples will have each parent speak their native language to the kid to make sure there's roughly equal exposure. This seems to be a popular and effective choice for multilingual families. And don't worry if your kid starts mixing the languages together when they're a little older, especially if they end up with siblings to talk to! That's called code-switching and it's linguistically sophisticated, it's not a bad sign or anything.
Thank you for your insight! My wife also speaks English, but I'm thinking now I'll have to learn Russian as well so that we can each stay in our own languages at home. I'm just hoping that it'll be enough exposure.
The only thing with a polyglot household is that by some measures sometimes they will tell parents their kids have a speech delay because their apparent vocabulary won’t be as big as expected. But this is just because their vocabulary is divided among multiple languages and the tests are only administered in one. Once they start to click on how to speak sentences their language fluency usually accelerates rapidly and they will more than catch up to peers.
(All kids a different though so YMMV)
I wouldn't put too much stress on yourself about the details -- kids' brains are designed for this language-learning stuff, and your circumstance isn't unusual. You don't necessarily need to learn Russian, as you and your wife can still communicate with each other in whatever language you share (though I will say that my spouse has been really touched by my learning even a little bit of her native language, so I don't discourage you from picking up some Russian!)
He might want to learn enough Russian to recognize when his kid is asking for things in Russian and not just babbling.
Our nanny was from Brazil and we encouraged her to speak to him in Portuguese, but neither I nor my wife know Portuguese. Actual Portuguese I can recognize because I know enough Spanish to approximate. But Toddler Portuguese is too different so he was talking to us for weeks before we realized he was actually talking.
Might be useful sometimes, but it will also be useful for the kid to learn to compartmentalize who speaks which language. They often get pretty good at this after a few years in and I've heard stories of them correcting their parents for speaking in the "wrong" language! But there's no downside to learning some Russian if there's enough time for it.
Yeah mine used to get mad if I speak in grandma’s language. Which is annoying, because I’m trying to teach myself to get better at “grandma’s language” so I can teach it to him.
One bit of advice I got that I really appreciated and wouldn’t have thought about myself:
Get into audiobooks if you like to read. My kid is 2.5 and I haven’t had my hands free since he was born. I have some time to read, but I literally almost never have the ability to hold a book in my hands to read it. I don’t generally like listening, but it’s preferable to not having books at all. The only way I can get reading done is to listen while doing dishes or walking the dog.
Learn to tie one of those wraps. Being able to wear the baby will enable you to get a lot of housework done (or play video games) while they nap.
This is sort of random, but I’d like my kid to be a polyglot so I made a point of helping him learn phonemes and sounds very early. If you want them to have a good facility with languages, expose them to LOTS of linguistic sounds. We sort of made a point of watching Japanese, French, Hindi, and Telugu media, as well as various language translations of Disney songs. It’s not really with any sense that the kid will learn the languages off the brief exposure, but it’s good to have an ear to register differences in sounds that English speakers typically don’t which will help him pick up accents and other languages more easily when he tries learning them on his own. Their brain’s ability to process sounds is already being set by the time they’re 9 months, and it’s believed that they can actually identify the differences between different languages by then.
Also, stay off algorithmic social media (instagram, TikTok, etc.) And try to keep your partner off it as well. Being a new parent means spending a lot of time sort of by yourself with very little sleep. Find something to do with your phone that isn’t scrolling. Once you’re a parent you’re going to get a fire hose of people posting through their marital struggles and post-partum depression on your feed. You do not need that negativity in your life. Play Worlde, try duolingo, just figure out something healthy but addictive enough to block you developing an habit of looking at the “content” feeds. That way lies madness! (Especially in an election year!)
On a related note, watch for signs of post-partum depression both in yourself and in your partner. A new child can put some serious strain on a marriage and the hormonal shifts (for moms and dads) can cause personality quirks that haven’t historically been problematic to inflate into major depressive episodes or anxiety disorders. There’s no shame in seeking help for it.
That's weirdly reassuring in a way. Keeping the kid alive is something I think I can handle (in no small part because of how thoroughly my wife has been preparing for this). Thanks
I think that's simple but powerful advice: Put your mobile away. I see so many dads who are bored with their babies and study their phones all the time. I don't think they're bad dads, I just think they're struggling with old (and bad) habits.
Yeah, I feel that. That's something I've been slowly working on since I found out my wife was pregnant. It's gotten easier as I got rid of most social media, but I definitely catch myself staring at my phone more often than I ought to.
If you’re the kind of person who gets sucked in, definitely cut the habit. If you’re the kind of person who can pass the time reading an article, but still have full awareness of your kid so as soon as they look for your attention you’re ready to give it (and do give it), it can be ok. Kids need both interactive and independent play time, and how much they like or can handle of each varies from kid to kid and over time. One of my kids has always wanted a lot of attention, while the other likes to do their own thing as long as someone is nearby and ready to jump in when she wants you to.
I'm in the exact same boat so all I can offer is solidarity. Also, thanks for this thread, it's a gold mine.
Good luck, fellow almost-parent!
Father of a 2 year old, Chinese/English speaking kid here. Advice for right now, sleep and enjoy yourself as much as possible (take a day trip to your nearest Devil's Kraft pizza and get some deep dish + beer). No sugar coating it, things are about to get hard. But as others have said, it's easiest at the start, boss level doesn't unlock until they start walking haha.
For the language learning, they probably will be delayed, but don't sweat it, very normal. Our son has a large vocabulary (mostly English words, a few Chinese), but can't quite string sentences together yet. But from the other American+Chinese families we know, it's a pretty normal progression.
Every child is different and every parent is different. The playbook for any family is just whatever works for the particular individuals involved.
With that in mind, what I say now may miss the mark for you and your wife, but this is what comes to mind for me.
Be a equal parent. I don't know what the dynamic in your family will be, but please don't treat baby like an extension of your wife. Even early on, take responsibility for what you can. Here's some random things you can probably do:
Also -- and this may go without saying -- but if you are working, and your wife is staying home with the baby, don't assume your job is any less demanding than hers. Be prepared to come home and work even harder than you were during the day.
And for my final bit of advice, watch Bluey. There's some excellent parenting tips in that show.
You can also help feed if momma pumps, which can give her more control over her own schedule and more freedom while still keeping many of the benefits of breastfeeding. That's going to be based on her preferences, but my sisters both swear by pumping.
My 2 cents: Try to support and help the mother as much as possible.
Other than that, just prepare mentally for a demanding first 1-3 months (you might be lucky, or you may not).
More specifically… get a Baby Bjorn or similar contraption for strapping your kid to your chest. Then get one of those big yoga/exercise bouncy balls. In the middle of the night, you can strap the kid to you and gently bounce up and down on the ball. This also leaves your hands free to read a book, use the TV remote, hold a gaming controller, etc. You’ll likely spend a lot of time bouncing in the night.
The earlier comment about sticking to a sleep schedule for your kid is key. It’s the single best thing we did for our kids and also created predictability for us.
My advice is for later, after they start moving. Toddlers climb. All furniture, bookshelves etc should be anchored or very stable. Anything they can grab will be tasted, possibly swallowed. Get the covers for electric outlets.
We just had our first 5 months ago and it's been a wild ride! It may be too late if you haven't worked this out with your employer (or this isn't an option in Japan) but taking a 6 month parental leave was the best choice I made.
It helped us split everything but breast feeding and pumping 50/50 and, gave us the chance to learn to parent together and best of all, made me feel like a dad whose importance in my daughter's eyes is more equal to mom than if I was away. Not always an option but that's my take.
Basic recommendations are:
The baby strap is invaluable. Because they'll often sleep with skin to skin contact, this gives you the chance to get out of the house and take short walks while on baby duty.
Our baby needed multiple feeds throughout the night because she would always fall asleep at the boob and often not retain enough milk. Being awake with your baby when mom's sleeping may not be an option of you're working, but for us, it was nice to have my baby sleep skin to skin on my chest and feed twice via the bottle, and for mom to be able to get much needed rest.
Have fun and let your intuition take over. It's 24/7 unpaid, rewarding labour. Learn lots and enjoy being somebody's superhero ;)
Whew. It's a lot is all I can say. I've got a 10mo old daughter and I suppose some of the things I would say to prepare for is well, the first few months before they sleep through the night is basically a warzone. For us we alternated schedules with me taking the night shift, and sleeping during the day, in about 3-4hr shifts.
The main issue I had to learn through is like, the baby is surprisingly self sufficient and robust once they are mobile, if she's got her toys and stuff, I don't have to actively engage with her, she'll be fine. This has been helpful now when she's approaching toddlerhood and once I was done with parental leave and back to work. We both work remote and that has been absolutely HUGE, cannot overstate it. If you don't work from home, and given your family isn't nearby you'll need a nanny. It's a full-time job for two people, my work output has gone way down since I'm often dealing with her, but I have enough time to still get things done for the most part. What sucks is if we both have meetings.
Other than that, it's very reactive. Just respond accordingly, your child will instinctively figure things out, give them an enriching environment. It's like, ultimately time goes so fast you're not even going to be able to dwell on what you forgot or not lol. Any other issues the pediatrician will tell you.
Just a heads up: This will change!
Congratulations dad! You're going to be fine with the baby.
When I first saw our first child delivered I was rather horrified, not having known what to expect. Such a strange looking thing, an odd color, and immediately after being born barely like a child. So don't be shocked like I was.
For a while your partner will need you a lot more than the baby will; she'll be exhausted, and may not have any spare energy even to be friendly to you at first, so even if you're feeling shaken keep that to yourself and just help her in any and every way you can.
Lucky you! Kids are wonderful.
Thank you! I'll try to be as patient and as supportive as I can. My wife is weirdly old fashioned by 2024 standards, so I'll have to be extra attentive because I don't think she'd actually tell me if she needs help
Congrats!
One of my favorite Dad books is called "Be Prepared" and begins with the same advice that you noted... That you come from a long line of successful parents, so you will be fine. It also notes your wife will be wiped out after birth, so be prepared to man up and help out.
Some of the most populous countries are full of bilingual and trilingual kids. It's perfectly normal.
My kid is bilingual, and goes to school with a bunch of bilingual kids. They are all incredibly well adjusted. It's actually harder than you think to get the kid speaking more than one language through to high school and beyond. I've met so many parents that simply couldn't do it, or didn't want to do it because they worried their kid wouldn't fit in (and then regretted it later once it was too late.)
You will have to gently insist on english only communication, and your wife will have to gently insist on Russian only communication. The kid will pick up Japanese at school naturally enough, and will naturally learn to switch languages.
I am in a very similar situation. We live in a country we don't speak the language so well and far from any family. Regarding language, it's gonna be okay. I've heard they may take longer than other kids, but it wasn't the case for us. She just started speaking a lot over the past months and can speak both languages at a similar level. Sometimes she mixes things, but it's incredible to see how she speaks one language with us and the other in daycare. Somehow she learned what works in each situation. Just pay attention to your kid and give them time. If you think it's really taking too long, you can always seek help.
The most difficult part, for what I know, is making your language stick. You're gonna have to insist your whole life on only using your language with them, if you plan to stay in Japan. Really, you can never give up. Otherwise your kid will always try to fallback to Japanese and eventually forget yours. Sometimes because it's just easier for them, sometimes because they "rebel" and wanna feel more Japanese.
Another very important thing about living far from family is to have great friends, it makes all the difference! What is hard for everyone, is gonna be much harder for you without being able to leave your child with grandparents while you sleep the whole day or so you and your wife can have some time for yourselves.
I was also very worried about doing my best, whatever that means, how my life would be, priorities, these kinds of things. If you're as anxious as I am, it's hard not to worry. But you can't anticipate things, you'll have to learn as you go. What I can tell you is that, as hard as it is, it's by far the best thing that every happened to me and I'm sure it'll be a life changing experience to you as well.
Try to remember that, just by worrying about it and giving your best, you're already doing way more than most parents. You're gonna mess up some things for sure, like your parents did with you. Don't feel guilty about it, know you're doing your best, things are gonna be fine. Your child is lucky to have parents that care so much.
Some more practical advice as well: