Truth is, raising kids is a crapshoot even if you are trying very hard and are very careful. We all make mistakes as parents. We all have to go out on a limb to trust others with our children....
Truth is, raising kids is a crapshoot even if you are trying very hard and are very careful. We all make mistakes as parents. We all have to go out on a limb to trust others with our children. Putting nannies under a microscope and expecting them to be perfect is a double standard at best, and treating the vulnerable in a predatory way is symptomatic of the worst aspects of our society.
We had a nanny who helped my wife with our daughter until she started preschool. We were very fortunate to have someone who was a family friend, a former teacher, and an excellent caregiver. We were fortunate to be able to always pay her extremely well, and I was happy to do so.
But I also get the fear. We ended one childcare arrangement because of some negative things our very young daughter was experiencing from an older child in the home. But we had so much uncertainty about the decision. It was hard to understand what might really be happening and if we were overreacting. In the end we decided to err on the side of caution and listen to our daughter's concerns, but it was very disruptive to our friendships for a while.
Regarding the article, I feel like there are two big things going on here. The first is basically cyberbullying for adults, and the second is a bewildering (to me) unwillingness to put significant resources into childcare.
On bullying, there is this weird social norm that protects the self–righteous judging of the parenting struggles of others. Do anything super weird in a grocery store, and most people will ignore you. Do anything slightly out of the norm while you have a baby, and you'll get comments at every turn. Based on my own experiences, I think this kind of thing is a projection of and an outlet for people's fear around the inherent uncertainty of raising kids. Add in the safety of pseudonymous posting online, and of course it's toxic.
This article is also talking about people with a lot of privilege and money. In that setting, they could pay the nannies enough to attract real professionals, and I bet a lot of this stuff goes away. The fact that they don't is what makes the whole thing seem predatory to me.
But I also think it's worth acknowledging that none of the stuff going on in the article is the reality for most people. There are limits to what they can afford for childcare and they have limited options available. Mostly, I see this as an extension of underpaying teachers. Why do we, as a society, undervalue the people caring for the most important people in our lives? I think we'd be a lot better off subsidizing child care to make it a professional job with a living wage and a service that is available to most people, just like we should for teachers at higher levels in public schools.
A look into the phenomenon of anonymous monitoring of nannies and those who hire them in New York. I found this interesting. I hired a nanny for the first 2 years of my son’s life and never...
A look into the phenomenon of anonymous monitoring of nannies and those who hire them in New York.
I found this interesting. I hired a nanny for the first 2 years of my son’s life and never realized how lucky we were to have someone as reliable and trustworthy until she had to leave us for 3 months and we hired a substitute who really was glued to her phone all day. Once I started visiting parenting groups I realized this was apparently quite common, and a lot of parents only view the nanny as an extra pair of eyes but don’t really trust them.
The traditional employer/employee relationship and the norms around it really seem to break down when we’re talking about “care” work and I think we are seeing similar tensions around adjacent fields, like early childhood education and elder care, as they’ve gotten more professionalized.
Truth is, raising kids is a crapshoot even if you are trying very hard and are very careful. We all make mistakes as parents. We all have to go out on a limb to trust others with our children. Putting nannies under a microscope and expecting them to be perfect is a double standard at best, and treating the vulnerable in a predatory way is symptomatic of the worst aspects of our society.
We had a nanny who helped my wife with our daughter until she started preschool. We were very fortunate to have someone who was a family friend, a former teacher, and an excellent caregiver. We were fortunate to be able to always pay her extremely well, and I was happy to do so.
But I also get the fear. We ended one childcare arrangement because of some negative things our very young daughter was experiencing from an older child in the home. But we had so much uncertainty about the decision. It was hard to understand what might really be happening and if we were overreacting. In the end we decided to err on the side of caution and listen to our daughter's concerns, but it was very disruptive to our friendships for a while.
Regarding the article, I feel like there are two big things going on here. The first is basically cyberbullying for adults, and the second is a bewildering (to me) unwillingness to put significant resources into childcare.
On bullying, there is this weird social norm that protects the self–righteous judging of the parenting struggles of others. Do anything super weird in a grocery store, and most people will ignore you. Do anything slightly out of the norm while you have a baby, and you'll get comments at every turn. Based on my own experiences, I think this kind of thing is a projection of and an outlet for people's fear around the inherent uncertainty of raising kids. Add in the safety of pseudonymous posting online, and of course it's toxic.
This article is also talking about people with a lot of privilege and money. In that setting, they could pay the nannies enough to attract real professionals, and I bet a lot of this stuff goes away. The fact that they don't is what makes the whole thing seem predatory to me.
But I also think it's worth acknowledging that none of the stuff going on in the article is the reality for most people. There are limits to what they can afford for childcare and they have limited options available. Mostly, I see this as an extension of underpaying teachers. Why do we, as a society, undervalue the people caring for the most important people in our lives? I think we'd be a lot better off subsidizing child care to make it a professional job with a living wage and a service that is available to most people, just like we should for teachers at higher levels in public schools.
A look into the phenomenon of anonymous monitoring of nannies and those who hire them in New York.
I found this interesting. I hired a nanny for the first 2 years of my son’s life and never realized how lucky we were to have someone as reliable and trustworthy until she had to leave us for 3 months and we hired a substitute who really was glued to her phone all day. Once I started visiting parenting groups I realized this was apparently quite common, and a lot of parents only view the nanny as an extra pair of eyes but don’t really trust them.
The traditional employer/employee relationship and the norms around it really seem to break down when we’re talking about “care” work and I think we are seeing similar tensions around adjacent fields, like early childhood education and elder care, as they’ve gotten more professionalized.