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What surprised you the most about becoming a father?
Becoming a father is a moment of great elation and stress, bringing challenges that are hard to anticipate. Given the different demands and circumstances that surround us, many of these challenges are not necessarily shared by our partners. At the very least, many challenges and fortuitous circumstances contain features that are more common for men. What was not like you expected (good or bad)? What did you find particularly surprising or revealing?
I was relatively squeamish around vomit, poop, whatever other random bodily fluids before becoming a father.
Yesterday one of my kids was sick and I caught vomit in one hand while eating lunch. I knew that I would get over the squeamishness to some extent but I don't think that I would have ever guessed that it would not even slow down my inhaling of a sandwich.
My 3 year old daughter vomited all over me a week ago. Some of it fell in my mouth. At any other point before having a kid, that would've literally been my worst nightmare. An utter catastrophe. As it was, I was mostly concerned about her, and then we took a bath to clean ourselves up.
I was extremely surprised how my brain handled that. Either parenthood triggers a switch, or my brain just decided to shut down parts of itself to protect my psyche. Probably both.
I was going to comment about my heroic feat of catching puke in a bucket from my kids without caring, this is so much worse lol
My stomach turns looking at dog poop. I would've bet good money on throwing up if something even close to this had happened to me. But daughter was crying in distress, so that affects me, I guess. Thank God.
The poop had never been an issue, but the vomit still gets me. Something deep-rooted in the lizard brain perhaps.
But yeah, the disgusting stuff becomes just business as usual.
Someone once asked me if it really becomes less disgusting and I told him that no, it's still absolutely horrid from time to time, but you just get used to it.
I do not like babies. I never have. I never will.
I find myself missing the baby phase, sometimes.
Otherwise, how quickly I lost the embarrassment of doing something "silly" in public was a big surprise. Baby/kid upset? Make a funny face, do a funny dance, whatever. Don't care who's looking.
The only other thing, and I'm not sure this is directly related to fathers but I think it effects us more, is that I am more directly involved in child rearing/parenting than my own father. Not that he was absent or particularly distant or anything, but his generation it was the women who did things like diapers, feeding, staying up late, etc. I have done all of those things (some of them more than my wife even).
I am trying to be a more present, understanding, and emotionally honest parent than my father was (again, nothing against him but more a generational gap than anything else). It is surprisingly hard to NOT do what your own parents did. I am just glad I was not raised in an abusive household so I don't have that particular problem to work on not passing down.
Oh yeah, I never had "baby fever" either. I think what I like the most about babies is the fact that they'll eventually be children. Random babies on the street, or even in my extended family, never caused me any emotion other than the desire to care for their wellbeing as a consequence of my ethics. I find my kid is cute and wonderful because it's my kid. That's all!
We actually made a list of all the things our parents did when we were growing up that we didn’t like or caused issues as we grew up and actively worked to fix those.
For example, both our parents were the kind of parents that would just give us chicken nuggets or Kid’s Cuisine every night. As a result, it took us both a considerable amount of time to expand our limited food palettes. So we’ve actively worked to feed our kid a wide range of foods from all over the world and make sure that most nights they’re eating what we are.
We tried to give our kid a wide variety of food choices, but it's never worked out. We have tried everything and they still just want scrambled eggs and breakfast foods for every meal. It is one of my most frustrating parental issues.
My kid is a garbage disposal! Indian, Chinese, Mexican, Japanese…they’ll just shove it all down. Most kids aren’t like that though. We got extremely lucky. Almost all of the other kids at daycare are super picky.
Most of my friends also have picky eaters, and it's made me wonder what it is about our society today that seems to produce kids like this. Is it our parenting style? Is it the fact that we have so many food options they have the ability to be picky? Or something else entirely?
My wife and I both have our "peculiar" things we don't like, but for the most part we are not picky eaters so our meals are usually varied enough to be interesting (to us). We have also been pretty conscious of not saying things are "gross" or whatever in front of the kid, just to get them to try things. We've both also eaten things we say we don't like just to give the kid an idea that you can try something and not die or whatever lol
Anyways, glad you have it easy in this! I'm sure there's other things that are hard for you that make up for it! LOL
Give yourself a break! If that is the most frustrating part of being a parent for you, you are clearly doing a great job with everything else ;)
"One of" doing a lot of lifting in my statement there LOL
Thanks!
You probably have, but have you tried mixing ingredients in small amounts to the egg scramble? Ours isn't what I'd call a picky eater but we struggle with some stuff. Like fresh vegetables go down with a tzaziki-like mix, I managed to get them eat cheese and ham by making a grilled cheese (likes bread but not toppings).
It's been helpful to use what they like as a vehicle for other stuff. But maybe my luck will turn and we'll be eating just dry bread and yogurt.
Oh we have tried. Jessica Seinfeld has an entire book (or maybe even two) about picky eaters. She has great ideas if your kid will eat any kind of sauce, which ours does not. Otherwise, if there is any noticeable change in color or texture, they're not eating it.
We do not have to fight about eating fruit, which is good. Vegetables are straight out, even with an attempt at adding cheese or other sauces (kid won't eat any sauces really). No red meat, very little chicken (even chicken nuggets - occasionally a couple Chick-fil-a nuggets will get eaten), and no pork unless it's bacon or bratwurst or occasionally pepperoni. The one thing is, they'll eat seafood like there's no tomorrow - salmon and shrimp especially but also lobster, crab legs, and other white fish.
Pizza would be eaten every day as long as there's no red sauce. Pepperoni is fun for about half a slice then no more. Can't pull the pepperoni off because it was on there and now they don't want that! (I have eaten many chewed upon slices)
So basically my kid exists on carbs, eggs, and dairy. We aren't big into sweets in our house, so thankfully not a lot of sugary stuff outside of fruit.
It is a struggle and I worry about them as they get older, but hopefully their willingness to try new things will grow.
Sounds like the situation isn't all that terrible, just tiring because you're trying to raise well adjusted human being.
For us I think the problem is mostly textural, so with time we'll probably be okay as the kid gets used to them. It just takes patience. Obviously shit tomato tastes like shit, so no point in forcing them to eat more than a taste. But we've decided it's fair to make them taste everything and it's fine for them to spit it out (in our company). Idk, I'll tell you in 5 years if that worked out or not but it seems reasonable to me.
I have no idea if your living situation will support this, but I've read over and over that kids will eat veggies if they grow them themselves.
We have a garden. It did not work. Maybe next year! :D
I appreciate the advice though.
Good on you for trying, that's not a minor undertaking.
I was a no-sauce kid myself when I was young (and I'm now a ho for making authentic Chinese stir fries, so I promise it's not necessarily eternal for your kid). Your kids seem pickier than I was back then but not by much (I wouldn't eat hot dogs until I was like twelve). As long as they're getting their nutrients, don't stress too much. If you're struggling with vegetables, finding the least objectionable ones and smothering them with butter and salt was the only way I remotely enjoyed it as a kid. Enough butter and salt is the only real way to add tastiness without sauce, after all. But my parents also did the old fashioned "you're not allowed to get up until you finish your vegetables" stuff which was... eh, probably a mix of some successes and some failures. I certainly don't look back on it fondly but I did get at least a few greenbeans in me every now and again growing up.
Just keep at it. My oldest is pretty picky, but I just give them what we're eating (often in a disassembled form) and they gradually eat more and more. We also require "no thank you" bites of new foods they may be unwilling to try.
Both my kids will now eat "salad" which is basically just lettuce with some ranch on it.
Well, at least breakfast is cheap. You don't want your kid asking for Sushi and Lobster and Chocolate Milk on a random weeknight.
That said, once they've decided they don't like something for some arbitrary reason, it's like pulling teeth to get them to eat anything even near that on a plate.
Thinking about my childhood, I'm a bit envious that the first example of "bad parenting" you could think of was "too many chicken nuggets". Oh boy, I'm so glad you weren't forced to learn how bad parenting can be! :(
I mean, there’s way worse examples but I wanted to use something a little more benign (both children of nasty divorces, etc). But overall both of us were extremely lucky.
The loss of free time.
I knew I would be busy with a kid. I knew I wasn't going to be playing video games every night anymore. But I really thought I would have time once or twice per week, maybe after he went to bed or something.
Lol. I play once every two weeks and it's purely because my wife is very gracious and gives me that time. In return, I give her the same time.
The last few times she gave me time to play, I was so tired that it was more of a struggle than anything else.
But you know what else surprises me? How easy it's been to take a break from my hobbies and do what needs to be done. My father absolutely sucked. Drunk and high for years and then completely absent after that, even now. I decided a long time ago that I would never do that. I had my own struggles with drugs when I was younger and didn't have a kid until I had several years of clean and sober living, a great career, a mortgage, a car, a stable marriage, and all the other things my parents didn't have when they brought me into the world.
My son was born into a much better situation and I'll keep it that way. I'm surprised by how happy he makes me.
Words that ring true to my ears! However, you can absolutely make time for yourselves if you make a goal of it.
At least, it's what my wife and I have experienced ourselves. In the daytime, my wife prefers a good nap over anything else lately, so she's implemented a full hour and a half of "quiet time" with the kids, in which they can do whatever they like as long as they do it very quietly. Half the time they just keep playing quietly with their toys, or draw or watch a cartoon. The other times they just opt to join her on her nap.
I've also been slowly scheduling myself some "daddy time" in which I can read a book, do my hobbies, or just play video games. I often begin about a half hour before their bedtime, and I give them the option to join me until their bedtime, then once it's bed time I push them through their night routine, and then the rule is they must stay in bed quietly.
I used to feel some guilt about putting them to bed while I stayed up playing games or doing something recreational, but two realizations dulled the sting: firstly, we are fulfilling NEEDS. Kids need a lot of sleep, so they must sleep longer (i.e, earlier than me). Parents need recreational time and space, so they must make time for their own mental health.
Secondly: a lot of my personal guilt centered around my quantity of time spent with my children, but not the quality, which is what matters the most. If I spent their waking hours making them feel loved, wanted, safe and understood... if I gave them a fond memory in the day, with excellent play time or a little adventure, then I have fulfilled my duty.
Although I have absolutely, as you said, fallen asleep while trying to accomplish my daddy time more often than not... don't feel bad! You'll get some time for yourself again before you know it.
Thanks for this. This is a helpful comment that I will definitely remember.
I played a lot of WoW before the birth in anticipation of never playing it again. It didn't work, I still wanna play it. Fortunately, Season of Discovery is dad friendly, but whenever I play it doesn't seem like a big deal. Sure, I like the game, but whenever I have to log out to care for my son, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice.
I do get anxious and stressed when I can't work and I feel I'm getting behind.
That's the biggest thing a gamer doesn't realize. Yes, you'll miss gaming as much, but it really doesn't feel like a sacrifice. It's such a weird dichotomy of emotion.
So forgive this post for being on the negative side, but my 3 and a half year old has been very challenging today.
I thought I was a very chill, patient person. I mean, I still am to some extent, but my anxiety sets in with my kids, a lot. I try not to let it get the better of me as my Mom did to me when I was a child, but I definitely have the worries fairly often.
But also, no one can set me off like my kids. I find myself very frustrated often and unfortunately, it tends to last the entire day when it gets me. This afternoon I was walking the 3 year old home from preschool; they were on my shoulders and I told them it sounded like they probably needed a nap. Well, this particular kid is very stubborn and strong willed (just like Dad it turns out, oops.) and told me they weren't going to have a nap and then hit me in the face.
I was very angry and it pretty much put me in a sour mood for the rest of the day and I've been pretty short with the 3 year old for the rest of the day and to a lesser extent, the older sibling too. I know I can't take it personally and they're 3, but it just made me frustrated with my kids for the rest of the day.
I used to be very chill and roll with the punches, but it turns out, that was a lie and I had never dealt with kids who are mine and are very much like me.
Oh yeah I was asking both for the positives and the negatives. That sounds really tough. Did your problematic kid show signs they were going to be like that, or were those difficulties something you didn't expect?
They're just stubborn like me but also feel emotions strongly, both positive and negative.
They just get very crabby and tend to hit, scream and generally be very angry when they're tired or hungry. When they're tired I can absolutely expect this kind of behavior and usually I can deal with it, but getting hit in the face while I was carrying them on my shoulders pushed me over the edge today.
I like them a lot and I know we're not supposed to have favorites, but this one definitely is for me, though I don't give them any preferential treatment.
I hear you, my daughter can drive me nuts like literally no-one else on the planet. Kids will beat on the walls of your carefully crafted "Calm Reasonable Adult" persona day and night until it gives. Because they're kids. They don't know what they're saying, they don't know they're being unreasonable. You can't avoid them or ignore them or tell them to fuck off, or whatever strategy you employ with random adults in your life. Sometimes they're being little shits and that's part of their job description.
The first time I heard "I don't love you, I only love mommy" it took me 3 days to get over it. Now, it sometimes still stings, but I usually laugh it off and say "It's ok. Even if you don't, I will always love you no matter what".
You're concerned about being in a sour mood after your kid was being a bit of a shit (excuse the expression) and punched you in the face. Sounds like you're doing just fine.
This reminds me of something my 3 year old said about two weeks ago, to her mum.
Daughter: "I don't love you!
mum gasps
beat
Daughter: "I've never loved you!"
This is funny, I was discussing this with my wife and she said the exact same thing.
Are you having snacks inbetween? Low blood sugar levels often show up as grumpiness and an inability to "get over it". A.k.a. finding a better mood again.
When I realised I needed a couple of bisquits or a fruit here and there myself and started having snacks when I would feed the kids, life was suddenly so much less about holding back my own irritability.
Oh, it's not my first rodeo! Been stay at home parenting for almost 6 years now and snacks are always with me. Weirdly the lack of eating doesn't bother me or make me irritable, but lack of sleep does, so my youngest has the worst of both worlds.
They definitely are crabby when they don't have a snack, but also intolerable when they're tired, which they often are after preschool. Many times we have to just skip lunch and go straight to nap after school.
I had no illusions on how much time would go into being a parent before my first kid was born. I knew my hobbies would mostly go on hold for a couple of years. I was fine with that and it went more or less like I expected.
With one exception: our first beach vacation as a family. My son had just turned one.
The long drive there was a little stressful, getting settled in the house took forever, I expected all that. But then it... just didn't stop. In hindsight, it's very obvious, but of course it was just like at home! Permanent cleaning, feeding, playing, watching, teaching, parenting.
So yeah. The thing that cough me by surprise was that vacations with young children would not really feel like vacations at all. It feels more like taking 90% of the stress of daily life... and taking them to the beach. Getting sand all over everything.
It's like taking care of kids, but somewhere else.
Yeah there really isn't much vacation left. It binds yourself to the location they're taking naps in, and it's a constant "can we do this before nap-time" situation.
My in-laws joined us in the second week and they happily took care of the kid while we went and did something vacation-y for a bit. Mucho recommendo.
Currently at Miami Beach with my 15 month old. The weather has been absolute crap the whole week, so we’ve barely left the hotel. The whole vacation so far has been things like “let’s let him run around a ballroom and hopefully tire out” haha.
I never thought I'd be a full-time house husband for any period of time. Due to an international move and some paperwork processing, I've been in between work for a few months so far and taking care of the kids and the house. I've really enjoyed getting to spend so much time with my boys each and every day and I hope I'm doing well with them. It's been something I've had to adjust to a lot. I've always wanted to be in a position to allow my wife to stay home if she wanted to. She's been clear in wanting to continue her career for now since she loves what she does, but thinks that in probably ~5-10 years she'll want to stop working and focus on the family since we hope to have a couple of more kids by then. My wife and I both had stay-at-home moms growing up and we both like the idea of having her do it eventually.
Also how nice it has been to kick back with another Dad and a couple of beers and watch my kids play with theirs while we chat.
Being a Dad has been something I wanted to be for a long time and at times it can be incredibly stressful, as I feel like I put more pressure than I should on myself to be a good Dad and a positive role model for my boys. I grew up being abused from a young age and I've had to deal with some of the side effects of it throughout my life. I want what's best for my family and will do anything for them. My Dad was not great, he tried to be engaged at times but I've realized the anger and resentment I felt towards him kept me from learning a lot of the positive things he tried to teach me.
I am really glad that you get to have these experiences with your kids, it sounds like you have a strong internal drive to be the best version of yourself despite your upbringing.
We always wanted to have one parent home until our kids were in full time school. I had an opportunity to take a buy-out package at work around the same time my wife's manager at her work was retiring. She went back full time and took the manager job while I came home to parent full time.
I had no idea how challenging and difficult being the primary at home parent actually was. I used to empty the dishwasher and find myself irritated when my wife didn't say anything. Little did I know that with a family of 4 the dishwasher was being run at least once a day, and that she likely didn't notice because of how busy her world was.
I also didn't realize the emotional labour that went into much of her responsibilities. At work I was used to recognition programs, peer and manager feedback, performance reviews and team building activities. At home, no one thanked me for all of the unseen work I did. I would find myself desperately just wanting an adult conversation. The early years of playdates and chilling with other parents were pretty awesome.
At the end of the day, i believe it made my relationship with my wife and kids much stronger, it has made me a much better communicator, and it gave me a perspective that I sorely lacked when I was the working stiff. I also have a deep seeded relationship from those formative years with both of my kiddos that I am grateful for every day, especially as my kids grow up and I yearn for those early years where you were their whole world.
Thanks for sharing man! There is some of that "unseen" work at times, or just the amount of time it takes to do things managing two little ones that I don't get everything done that I'd like to. I think the transition hasn't been as jarring for me due to my previous work schedule. I had a very flexible contract where I was working at night (10 PM - 2 AM) and then I'd split the rest of my hours during the day on projects whenever I could fit them in which let me do a lot of housework and care for our boys while my wife worked. It was a pretty brutal schedule but allowed us to get everything done that weekend.
I'm feeling the craving for adult conversation right now a ton. We moved to SE Asia from the US so I'm 12-16 hours (depending on daylight savings) ahead of my friends which can make coordinating a call a bit of a pain and I've only met a few people over here since my work schedule and kids made it hard to get out and integrate besides starting to meet some people at church.
I hope you get to enjoy time with your kids man! I'm trying to treasure these early years since they are already starting to get big and run around. Once our youngest can walk its going to change the game.
I will never forget the moment that I met my eldest for the first time. I looked down at her and was completely and utterly overcome with a deep, all encompassing sense of love.
I feel like in all of my other relationships in life, love is a process that occurs over time. Whether that be with my wife, our animals, our friends, even my own parents. I mean I guess I always have loved my parents, but my love for them has grown and matured as I have.
My experience with my children has been very different. In that moment seeing her for the first time, I was just struck how instantly full my heart was, that I just loved her fully and completely with everything I have. I remember standing outside the OR holding her in my arms, tears of pure joy and overwhelm streaming down my face. I did not anticipate that at all, but its one of my favorite moments of all time. I had the same feeling with our second although I knew it was coming so I just let it all in.
I guess the other thing that has surprised me is how wild it is to see yourself in your kids. Its one thing when what you consider a redeeming quality comes shining through, but its altogether different when its something you might not so easily admit to as a personal fault, or something that someone commented on in the past that you just didn't see but can't deny when its unfolding right in front of your eyes in your kiddo.
I have a few goto pieces of advice for new parents. The first is that every everything is true. Every joke, cliche, standup routine, sitcom episode, happy story, sad story… it’s all true. Yes, you’ll be up in the middle of the night covered in something. Yes, you’ll have your happiest moment watching your child doing something banal. You can’t escape from the stereotypes of being a parent.
And I’ve found things to be easier when I realized it’s just how it is. Baby squirted poop on the wall, yep, that was in the brochure!
My friend told me “Being a parent is hard but you don’t mind it.” I’ve found this to be true as well.
On the dude side specifically- if you’re familiar with post-nut clarity, kenjataiku, etc etc that feeling of utter clarity and lack of sexual arousal comes from your body making a bunch of prolactin (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16095799/) at orgasm.
Prolactin has another very important purpose - it is what Produces milk in women Lactating. So women who are breast feeding are kinda living 24/7 in a post-nut clarity - so if shes down to hook up less or at all, realize that hormones be hormoning and it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.
Last - the most surprising thing was how much I liked being a father. So much we had another.
And with two, now realize that I went from “I love being a dad” to “I love my kids but two is somehow more than double the work” ;) you’ve be warned.
Having kids taught me, after 8-9 years, to focus far less on achievement (for both myself and them) and to learn to live in the moment, laugh more, have fun, and savor the time I have with the people I love. I am a much happier person than I was before having kids. Life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time. I learned that from meeting them where they are instead of expecting them to somehow meet me where I am. How could they? :)
Not a whole lot really surprised me, in the sense that the day-to-day mechanics of parenting are pretty much exactly what I expected. A few exceptions:
The way my son (first and only so far) smelled when he was born. I've asked other parents, and everyone agrees that newborns smell amazing, but nobody has said that they smell the way mine did: like fresh cinnamon waffles. Something like that. Intoxicating.
I knew it'd be a lot of work. My wife is still in school, so I'm the breadwinner and handle most of the parenting stuff. Sleep is a distant memory most of the year. I was surprised how well I can cope with microscopic amounts of rest.
The costs. Daycare is a thousand USD per month. All the baby stuff is expensive of course. But so many other things that I never would've thought of. I used to have all these little cost saving measures in my life that just took a bit of time and work. I no longer have time for them, so I end up doing things the expensive way a lot of the time. That, more than anything, has made being a parent expensive.
But it's the best. I love being a father.
I believe there to be a whole lot of instincts flaring up when it comes to the newborn smell. It is unique for sure, and there is a general element that is the same with all babies, sure, but my own was different to me.
I see this as nothing more than the same instincts that other animals have.
To me, this is not making it less special, but more. The fact that even without words, without intellectualism, without anything at all to understand it by, we still are deeply attached to our own children.
I made a more negative post about two days ago, but now I want to follow it up with something a little different.
I got to show my 6 year old Home Alone last night for the first time and while it was a highlight of my evening, watching them giggle and laugh so hard at various parts (which was better than watching the movie and I love Home Alone), it's not necessarily what this post is about.
So we're having family movie night, eating our pizza and watching TV when suddenly the 3 year old stands up and projectile vomits all over their plate and the ottoman they're standing in front of. I pause the movie and get up to get some cleaning supplies while my wife attempts to catch some of the vomit with whatever is available, eventually getting him over to the toilet after a brief respite.
As I'm cleaning up all this vomit all over everything, I can't help but start laughing at the absurdity of being a parent. One minute, I'm happily watching a movie and eating the dinner, the next I'm doing my best to scoop up vomit into a plastic bag, something my younger self would have been horrified and disgusted by, but at this point, is no different than cleaning up a cup of spilled milk. It's just... Life for me now, it's my job and it needs to be done.
But 5 minutes after this, we're all back to eating pizza and watching our movie again.
That, during the first drive home from the hospital with Kid in the back, I realised that I would quite happily sacrifice my life if it would save theirs.
Oh and also that it's possible to be so tired that it physically hurts.
The further I get into parenting the more I realize how terrible my parents were at being parents.