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What is the importance of not swearing in front of my kid?
Honest question. My son is only 5 months, but that is something that came to mind while reading posts on American websites. My culture is not nearly as sensitive to swear words are English speakers seem to be, so I would like to know if there's any reason to be mindful of that other than specific cultural sensibilities. Is it inherently bad to use swear words in front of kids? Do you have any personal views on the matter?
Lot of good ideas here already, but I'll chip in because I've shared this with parents IRL, and they have appreciated it.
When she was smaller, I would say, "if you say that word, it will probably make some people uncomfortable." And that was enough for her to avoid most words. She also got restrictions from preschool during that time which may have helped. One day when she was 4, I said, "put your butt down in the seat so I can buckle you," and she said, "Daddy, we don't say butt in this house."
Once she got older and started hearing and asking questions about swear words (primarily Taylor Swift lyrics), we have approached this way: Words are not good or bad, it's how you use them that is important. You can use a "swear" word but not in a hurtful way, and that is not wrong. But you can also be say unkind things to someone without using a swear word, and that is wrong.
Another really helpful thing is explaining to her what the words mean. I remember being school age, and someone on the playground would have learned a new "bad word". We all knew it was bad, but none of us knew what it meant. People would basically figure it out by seeing how much trouble they got in for using it.
So one day, we're listening to TS, and she says, "Daddy, what does that word mean?" I explain to her that "fuck" sometimes means "having sex", sometimes it's means something is messed up ("that's fucked up"), and sometimes it's just used for emphasis, like Taylor Swift's, "weird but fucking beautiful" -- the sentence means the same thing with or without that word.
Another example, a few days later we had this conversation:
Her: "Daddy, is 'shit' one of those words?"
Me: "Yes, shit is one of those words. Do you know what it means?"
Her: "No, what?"
Me: "Poop"
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Well, that is the literal meaning. But sometimes it can just mean 'stuff'. If someone says, 'Get your shit together', they do not mean to gather up your poop."
I think talking candidly and openly about swear words does two things: first, removes a lot of the mystique or transgressive sense that might draw kids to them anyway. Second, it helps to give her a moral framework about why people, including her, might swear and what it might mean. That way, she can understand the difference between yelling "Fuck" because I stung by a wasp (that actually happeed) and saying, "Fuck you, bitch" to someone (that never happened, just a hypothetical). She knows to expect consequences for the latter, but not the former, and she can make her own choice, an informed choice, about how she's going to use those words.
This is a neat example. I've working on using internal vs external motivation with the kid recently. So, rather than telling a child "you should do/not-do XYZ because that's the rule and I told you so" (external motivation), you should instead find ways that allow the child to make up their own mind that XYZ is what they want to do (internal motivation). I find this really difficult in a lot of parenting situations but it seems like something parents should strive for; and it feels like a good way to avoid counterproductive power struggles.
Absolutely! It sets them up to be more independent. And even if they decide to try it anyway, if they see the consequence you predicted, it might help them pay more attention the next time.
In the same vein, I read in a parenting blog somewhere not to tell kids "be careful" because they can't get on that. Instead you say "if you climb that high and fall you might hurt yourself" or "sticks need a lot of space". Super helpful advice, because now that she is older, my daughter will do her own risk mitigation. Something like, "I thought I might fall off my loft trying to reach this, so I moved my mattress underneath just in case."
I have two goals of refraining from swear words in front of the kids: (1) it demonstrates emotional restraint, showing that you sometimes have to pause, think, and calm yourself down rather than giving in to impulsive reactions to disappointments; and (2) I want to see the kids practice being articulate about their thoughts. Replacing swear words with coherent descriptions of your thoughts is one example of this for them. I think of the latter goal in terms of "adjectives not expletives".
I'm not really sensitive to swear words and I want my kids not to flinch when they hear them too. I only hope my approach doesn't end up making them overly sensitive to swear words; but I imagine they get enough of them at school and through media.
My son is older, almost 10 and we explained to him thats its ok to swear between friends, when swearing is not an attack and not an insult, but not in front of other people or neighbors. I believe that he got swearing partly from parents (emotions, emotions...), partly from his friends. Also.. I don't exactly remember but at smaller age we did not stop him from swearing, we just explained to him that its ok to swear, but thats not a good words to use in the public. Something like that.
Same here. It would be unrealistic to expect them not to because my wife and I both swear like Australian sailors and are clutzy. "Fuck" wasn't their first word, but it was easily within the first 20. Such is the power of a daily toe stubbing or knife drop.
Swearing is fine around the home, with friends...but not maliciously. Especially when you get hurt, its proven to reduce pain!
There's been a couple of "Fuck you <parent>!" which is understandable, but we talked about it after.
The taboos around swearing all have their origins in classism, where the upper classes deemed the slang of the lower classes unproper. So to hell with that noise.
Yeah, this. I try not to swear too much in front of my five year old just because I'd rather have the whole "you can't really say fuck at school" conversation a bit later when it'll be easier - but they already understand there are words you shouldn't say in certain contexts.
Kids get the hang of code switching pretty quickly.
This is a podcast where a psychologist and a comedian talk about how censoring yourself in front of your kids isn't necessary, but it is important to teach them the effect words have on others / themselves.
[Serious Inquiries Only] SIO374: Maybe Swearing Around Your Kids Is Fine? đź…´
https://podcastaddict.com/serious-inquiries-only/episode/161455385 via @PodcastAddict
Not sure about Cultural sensibilities, but Cultural Sensitivity is a huge skill that I am proud to impart to my child, albeit modelled imperfectly.
Take clothing choices for modesty vs prudishness: I tell the kid that in our culture, certain ways of dress is considered inappropriate, and people's opinions will be negative towards people who breach this cultural etiquette. Is it right? No, people should not be discriminated against for choices that don't hurt others and isn't illegal and is a freedom etc, but "should not" is a big distance in time / culture from "will not". One can champion for it, to breach this cultural sensitivity intentionally to make a point, or for safety, but one has to weight the consequences carefully and think of safety back up plan first. Example, it's been 30 years since Gwen Jacob faught for being topless in 33C weather , and many more ladies since have not been charged, but disapproving "looks" continue. Meanwhile toplessness is totally fine in a culture where breasts aren't sexualized (yay).
Similar thing to swearing: even though not illegal, there's a big distance from being free from negative cultural effects.
In many cultures, there are certain places where swearing is not a good idea: in a court room, at a funeral (not because you're grieving; used carelessly), at a job interview, while representing your company at a client's or trade show......in front of brutish bullies who can hurt you and get away with it.
As a child, he or she is going to be met with many many more bullies than you. Teachers will treat them differently. Other parents might punish by instructing their children to shun. Freedoms are in a way what you have power to defend: your child does not yet have a lot of power and need to understand restraint as a trade off for unwanted attention. Should they have to is, again, different from will they have to.
It's also a verbal habit that, when unchecked, becomes automatic and difficult to rein in needed circumstances. And training to use executive functioning to choose words with slightly more care is also an important skill, beyond cultural sensitivity.
So we want to teach self control, cultural sensitivity and being articulate.
I only have my own personal views to share.
I don’t think swearing is bad. I’ve also been part of a culture where swearing is not frowned upon, maybe even the opposite. People come up with the craziest insults and profanity can come from young, old, rich or poor. I think it’s liberating to live in a place where you can express yourself and often chuckle when I hear somebody swear. To me, it’s a valuable part of language, one that should not be suppressed.
It’s not like I’m constantly swearing though, let that be clear. But I don’t “mind my language” when the kids are around. And I don’t see them copying a lot. They are polite and respectful to others, they only cuss out of frustration. So I don’t feel like it is having a negative impact on anyone.
We've our first born in their first year as well, so I'm not speaking from experience, but we are weary of using swearwords around them.
For me, it boils down to monkey see monkey do, and I would hate for other parents coming to us and blaming their child's swearing on our kid and subsequently us.
The fact that it requires cognitive effort for us to not use swear words also feels as though it's a bad habit in general, regardless of the social stigma.
--edit: to add to this:
Swearing will still happen, and I guess the most important thing is how to handle that when your child will swear. By making a big fuss of it, positive or negative, it will be reinforced so I guess the key is handling it like an adult and be disapproving without reinforcing the behaviour. Or at least, thats what I hear from other parents haha.
Some people in my country make a habit of teaching kids how to swear because they find it funny. I'm not saying I approve that, but it really is pretty funny :P
It's funny until they go "fuck you bitch" to someone in a position of authority and you'll be there explaining that "it was funny when the kid was 3".
For example when dealing with police in my country we don't need to be as careful as in the US where anyone with a tan might get shot just because. But still it's not a good idea to go on a swearing tirade at their face, it's not gonna help with your case at all.
Oh yeah I can totally see how that would be a problem. I wouldn't teach my kid so swear.
this was me! When I was three I called a kid a 'bitch face fucker'. All through early elementary school there were stretches where I couldn't play with a few friends because of my trucker mouth.
Absolutely foul-mouthed as a child. I grew to tame it, but I can still get a good streak going.
I think most subsets of regularly used words would be difficult to stop using, even totally benign ones like "qualifying adverbs" or "adjectives that imply but do not necessarily specify a color (Ex. "Milky", "oceanic")". I don't think that makes using them a bad habit.
This doesn't answer your question, but it made me think about how different swear words are from other words. As in they have a special space in our brains or something like that. Why do we immediately swear when we feel pain? I remember from mythbusters that they mention studies that indicate that swearing can actually relieve pain, which sounds crazy, but also makes a lot of sense. I know nothing about neuroscience, it's just a thought.
It wouldn’t surprise me one bit. It can be such a good stress reliever.
And its not just ancedotal!
This is fascinating, thanks so much for the link!
It's a matter of opinion.
In my opinion, swearing isn't necessarily a bad thing, you just have to pay attention to the circumstances. It's okay to swear at home or among friends. It's not okay to swear in public or in a work environment.
As long as you teach them that, they'll be fine. They'll eventually learn to swear anyway.
There's a difference in words used for emphasis and words used for hate. You may want your child to know and understand the difference.
Other people will judge you, and your child, if your child swears. (They will also judge you for every other parenting choice you make - it's honestly exhausting.) You may not care about this, but it's something to be aware of.
Your child will get into trouble if they swear in certain situations, so they'll need to understand when not to use those words.
But other than that - I don't care about children swearing. I don't see it as a negative about the parents.
I've always avoided swearing in front of my son, and now that he's six, I'm glad for it. He's mostly well-behaved, but not entirely. Frankly, he's inherited (from both of his parents) an interest in mischief. He thinks it's fun to be naughty and even to be chastised because of it. He's mostly learned that there's an appropriate time and place for it, but I'm far happier that his version of saying bad words is "poop," "stupid," and "shut up" instead of the alternatives. Swearing doesn't personally bother me at all, but there are plenty of people in his life, including people at his school--and the parents of other kids there--whom it would bother.
When he does actually hear a swear word, it's been pretty easy to explain that it isn't a nice word to say, that it would make other people feel bad, etc. The real key, though, has been not reacting to him saying the words. He likes the reaction to it far more than actually saying it, so if I just ignore it, it stops pretty quickly.
An aside for the future, if you end up with a mischievous kid like I have: my son really enjoys pretending that words are bad. The main one we use right now is "hi." Yep--as in, "Hi! Hello!" He says "hi" to me and I stop everything, getting a completely shocked look on my face for a few moments. Then I start to look angry before eventually saying "hi" right back to him. It's pretty fun and a great way to avoid "bad" words.
My approach was to teach my kids this framework: words are the clothes you dress your ideas in. When you swear, you are dressing your ideas in a bit of a lazy, slobbish way. Nothing wrong with that if it’s done intentionally—sometimes you just want to wear your pajama pants to the grocery store. But usually in communication you want credibility and effectiveness. It’s much easier to have credibility and effectiveness when you dress your thoughts and ideas up in the best outfit you can. People will just take you more seriously, and in most communication, the better that outfit, the more correlation between being taken seriously and listened to; being truly listened to is a good thing, worth striving for in most situations.
All I can think to add is that young kids are like little parrots and they will find it funny if something they say upsets or annoys you.
If your culture honestly doesn't care when children below school age use strong language, then maybe it's not a problem.
Generally speaking I'm of the opinion that they're just words and as long as they're not being used in inappropriate situations I don't really mind if they swear. Basically say what you want, just don't get me in trouble with future teachers, your grandparents, or other parents.
As such I've not done a very good job of curbing my own swearing around my kids. I curse like a sailor and that is really hard to stop. I don't swear at them though. When I get frustrated I am way too quick to drop a "ah shit" or a "fucks sake". Zero thought goes into it, that's just my automatic response to frustration.
Although it has led to some funny situations like when my 4yo was watching me do some plumbing and I FINALLY got something working right and I yelled "YES!" excitedly and she responded by matching my excitement, clapping furiously and shouting "damn shit!".
Then another time my nephew (who is 5) dropped an F bomb and while it was funny in context, it also hit me like a ton of bricks and I kind of wasn't OK with it. To the point where I'm now rethinking my approach with my own kids. Just felt wrong to hear that from a 5 yo. To be clear he didn't know that word because of me, but because his dad (my brother) has the same feelings about foul language.
But my brother and I also grew up in a house with very strict rules about language. Mouth got rinsed out with soap, spankings, and less (imo) insane punishments. So I think we were both very quick to be lenient on it with our own kids because it was handled in an overly-strict way growing up.
I think it's all been covered by now. But, I wanted to add one thing. About the age of your child. Personally, I wouldn't be worried about the swearing until your child reaches an age where they are actually starting to learn words. I've often wondered why people are cautious about swearing in front of an infant.
I want to raise my kids to be polite. To be polite means also to speak politely which inherently means no swear words. This is what makes me restrain myeelf in using such words (at least to some degree).
I also go over videos or movies that my kids watch and whenever I hear swear word, I make sure kidsknow that his word is not to be said. Or at least not lightly or frequently in normal conversation. If the video or movie contains a lot of swearing, I ask them to stop it and tell them there is too much bad language.
The younger one (4yo) is still out of question as she watches maonly kids fairy tales, older (9yo) seems to grasp the conept really well - she is polite while knowing some words and also knowing not to use them.
The way my parents put it to me, is there are a lot of situations where cursing is inappropriate, so you shouldn't have the habit of cursing reflexively. You should at least curse with intentionality, so it doesn't come out in the wrong context.