gravitycat's recent activity
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Comment on AirPods or not? in ~music
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Comment on Parent on deathbed? Go or not? in ~health.mental
gravitycat Link ParentThis is beautiful. Thank you.This is beautiful. Thank you.
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Comment on Parent on deathbed? Go or not? in ~health.mental
gravitycat LinkThank you for all of your comments and insights. As I was agonizing over the right thing to do, he died a little over an hour ago. I’ll go to the memorial. Thank you for sharing your stories and...Thank you for all of your comments and insights. As I was agonizing over the right thing to do, he died a little over an hour ago. I’ll go to the memorial. Thank you for sharing your stories and insights. Very grateful for this community.
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Parent on deathbed? Go or not?
My only living parent has between one and five days left to live. The parent is unable to speak now and has had dementia for the last 5 years and will not recognize who I am if I go visit now in...
My only living parent has between one and five days left to live. The parent is unable to speak now and has had dementia for the last 5 years and will not recognize who I am if I go visit now in these final hours.
They live a few thousand miles away from me; it would be expensive to go and money is painfully tight right now with my partner unexpectedly unemployed and struggling to get a job comparable to the job just lost.
I’m somewhat estranged from this parent. The short version is this parent is a narcissist and really didn’t show up when I was growing up, or at any point in my adult life, or really at any point when it mattered. Despite this person being a really crappy parent, they exerted a massive gravitational pull in my life through many decades—basically, this parent loomed very large for far too long given the extreme narcissism, albeit much less so in the last decade or two. (Dementia and my coming to terms with it all and caring less and time and my having my own kids and my starting my own family all being some sort of salve.)
I have one very close friend who is telling me that it is critical to go before this parent dies because being present while they are still living will give me a kind of closure and unexpected resolutions that I cannot even anticipate now. This friend is quite adamant that going is critical for personal growth.
A different close friend says that going while the person is still alive is a complete waste and that I should go for the funeral instead where I can see other relatives and connect with my sibling and other relatives and deepen those relationships which (the friend says) will be a momentous transition point for us all, creating a better sense of family than any of us could have ever had while this person was alive. This friend insists that the healing and closure is identical pre-death and post-death, but that the extra emotional burden of seeing someone dying will derail me and never be able to be “unseen.” This person thinks spending money on two trips is foolish, so the one trip to go on is for the memorial. FWIW, My sibling is only going for the memorial.
Even if money were no object, I’m not sure I could emotionally handle going twice. I suppose I can, but that’s very time intensive and I have young kids myself who need me and for whom it would be a strain if I were gone for too long. I’ve already said it, but I have to say it again: money is really tight Going twice feels possible, but extremely difficult
I guess what I’m really trying to understand, if my feelings for this parent are presently ambivalence that grew over a decade or two from what was formerly extreme anger and hurt, is there something meaningful about going while the parent is still alive? Is there something important that happens before the person dies that is in someway healing or transformative or valuable? Is it more important to instead go when my sibling is going? Should I max the credit card and go twice? Should I risk infuriating and deeply damaging my relationships with my extended family and not go at all to save money? (This last option seems wrong, but it is a possibility, so I feel like it at least deserves considering.)
Friends of Tildes, what did you gain or lose from seeing a relative in hospice? What thoughts and wisdom do you have to share around moments like these?
Thank you in advance for sharing your stories. I’m sure your collective wisdom will help me make a better choice.
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The can opener. Engineering to solve human fallibility. (Spoiler: It didn’t totally work.)
22 votes -
Comment on What's a life lesson you've applied that has changed your life? in ~life
gravitycat LinkWanting something has can no impact on getting it. The price you’re willing to pay for what you want does. Make money while you sleep or you’ll work until die. The bridge freezes before the road....Wanting something has can no impact on getting it. The price you’re willing to pay for what you want does.
Make money while you sleep or you’ll work until die.
The bridge freezes before the road. (This is not some deep metaphor, but it is a stand in for all the collection of practical points, like don’t dive into an unknown body of water head first, etc)
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Comment on The Abilene paradox in ~life
gravitycat LinkI was happy I came across this; now I recognize it when it’s happening in groups I’m in. So, tildes, what are your best Abilene paradox stories?I was happy I came across this; now I recognize it when it’s happening in groups I’m in. So, tildes, what are your best Abilene paradox stories?
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The Abilene paradox
26 votes -
Comment on Any friendly entrepreneurship communities that aren't rotten with the whole "grindset," hustle culture stuff? in ~life
gravitycat LinkI have learned a lot from posts on indiehackers.com although it has a solid bit of what you want to avoid. My best pro tip though is to look for local entrepreneur focused co-working spaces. My...I have learned a lot from posts on indiehackers.com although it has a solid bit of what you want to avoid. My best pro tip though is to look for local entrepreneur focused co-working spaces. My startup team of three works out of one in our city, and there are about 70 different founders in the space. We have game nights, poker nights, a monthly party, and all kinds of other great social events and presentations that are relevant for founders. In this local rl community (based on sharing a physical space) everyone really helps each other in a way I just haven’t ever experienced in online communities.
All the best to you! And please do share here what you are working on! Go Tildes entrepreneurs!
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Comment on What creative projects have you been working on? in ~creative
gravitycat LinkI am building a vocabulary learning tool that creates a custom image for you, based on your life, for every word you learn. It’s super powerful and efficient for learning vocab 3x, 4x, even 5x...I am building a vocabulary learning tool that creates a custom image for you, based on your life, for every word you learn. It’s super powerful and efficient for learning vocab 3x, 4x, even 5x faster. There’s nothing like a totally personalized mnemonic to make a word stick.
We are doing user interviews right now, so if you (or your kids) are motivated to learn more vocab, I’d love to give you a 4 month free account if you’ll do a zoom call with me for a demo!
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A new way to learn vocabulary. A story about a word nerd and AI. And a call for help.
Hi logophiles! I am a total word nerd. Over the last six years--mostly accidently--I ended up creating a bunch of vocabulary learning materials and spent way too much time thinking deeply about...
Hi logophiles! I am a total word nerd. Over the last six years--mostly accidently--I ended up creating a bunch of vocabulary learning materials and spent way too much time thinking deeply about how we learn new vocab and how to teach it. My story: basically, via word of mouth, people with kids taking the SSAT and the SAT kept asking me for my materials which I continually iterated on as I got feedback. It wasn't my day job, lol, it wasn't even a side hustle.... just an obsession :) As I shared my "system", I kept dreaming of even better ways to make vocab learning effective, easy, and fun.
Some interesting things about learning vocab. The "keyword method" is extremely effective. (The keyword method is associating a target word with a similar-sounding word (the "keyword") and then creating a vivid mental image connecting the keyword with the target word.) [Ávila & Sadoski, 1996; Shapiro & Waters, 2005]. Further, connecting the new word and its meaning to your own personal experience is much effective than rote memorization. ("...engaging in deeper semantic processing and relating information to personal experiences can activate distinct neural circuits compared to those involved in rote memorization." [Andreasen, O'Leary, Cizadlo, Arndt, Rezai, Watkins, Ponto, & Hichwa, 1995]).
There are a lot of other cool things I discovered on my (research-obsessive) path to make learning vocab radically easier. A core driver for me has always been thinking about the epistemology of word-learning. What does it mean to "know" a word? "Knowing" a definition is different from truly knowing a word, where you can deploy it effortlessly when the context is right. That led to endless rabbit holes of learning about polysemy, colocations, and a whole lot more.
The first day I saw Dalle my jaw dropped. This was it! This was the missing piece for learning vocab 2x, 3x, 4x(?) more efficiently than has ever been possible. The image generation AI tools can make a custom image that packs in your own favorite keyword mnemonic and your own personal story into a cool image. Whoa! Because what has been my total obsession could finally be created in the real world, I teamed up with two good friends with the technical chops to build what had been percolating in my brain for six years. We've built a beta version over the last four months and it is ready to test!
I love Tildes, and I don't want to self-promote, so I am not going to drop the app name / website, but I am here with an ask. We want feedback! We want to make this the dream app for anyone who is serious about growing their (English) vocab. We want you in our beta test group.
The commitment I'm asking of our beta testers is a bit onerous. I want to hop on a zoom call with you while you use the app for an hour or so and have you tell me what you love and hate. I want to ask you a bunch of questions about what you want to see in your dream learning app. Then I want to give you the app for a month a two; hopefully you'll use it and learn a bunch of words; then I want to hop on a 20 minute call with you and get your hot take on the whole thing.
It is such an intense passion project for me; I want to make the app just rock-your-world-awesome. That's why I want to do live user interviews. (Which is a little out of the ordinary for sure.) And I can't do that without talking to real people who care about growing their vocab who are willing to hang out with me for an hour or two. :)
As a thanks for your help, when we go to the paid version, you'll get three months free, and a massive lifetime "friends and family" discount. But more than that, you'll really impact what we build next, and how we can make it better. While it's maybe a little idealistic, or might even sound silly to some, I feel like better vocab = better communication = better relationships. So I am all-in, fervently devoted, and hopeful that you'll come along for the ride and help me make it epic.
Who is it for? Studying for standardized tests? Oh yeah. This will help a lot. Want to raise the ceiling on what you can read. Let's go! Want to improve your English skills? This is for you. Love words. Yep! I'd love to meet you! Basically, if you love words, and/or have something coming up that requires that you know more words, I really hope you'll be part of our test!
More interesting stuff about vocabulary:
--Average high school graduate has a vocab size of 16,000 words
--Average college grad, 20,000 words
--Average PhD. 28,000 wordsTildes is a very smart and well read group, so I' bet the average vocab size around here is 25,000 to 35,000. Want to know your (approximate) vocab size. One of the best (easy and fast) tests is here:
https://preply.com/en/learn/english/test-your-vocab
(I have nothing to do with that site or company, and do not endorse them. It's just that their vocab size estimator is really well done.)Want to be a beta tester, or just talk more about vocab, shoot me a message!
pandacat@onmail.com11 votes -
Comment on In search of approachable, readable philosophy (or philosophy-adjacent) books to help me navigate the world in ~books
gravitycat LinkSuch serendipity! A friend just asked me for a list of interesting and extremely accessible books to explore big philosophical ideas. This is what I sent her: ——— Hmmm, I'm not sure I'd come at it...Such serendipity! A friend just asked me for a list of interesting and extremely accessible books to explore big philosophical ideas. This is what I sent her:
———
Hmmm, I'm not sure I'd come at it by reading philosophy directly, I think I'd look at contemporary books deeply informed by philosophy or that make philosophy exciting by coming at it with a particular angle. Also, I'd definitely watch "The Good Place" from beginning to end, it is literally a philosophy primer and so so fun!- "Trick Mirror" by Jia Tolentino
- "21 Lessons for the 21st Century" by Yuval Noah Harari
- "Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst" by Robert M. Sapolsky
- "The Stranger" by Albert Camus
- "Our Mathematical Universe" by Max Tegmark
- "Bullshit Jobs" by David Graeber
- "A People’s History of the United States" by Howard Zinn
- "Life 3.0: Being Human in the Age of Artificial Intelligence" by Max Tegmark
- "Superintelligence: Paths, Dangers, Strategies" by Nick Bostrom
- "Men Explain Things to Me" by Rebecca Solnit
- "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" by Joan Didion
- "Pulphead: Essays" by John Jeremiah Sullivan
- "Feel Free" by Zadie Smith
- "A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson
- "The Disappearing Spoon" by Sam Kean
- "Astrophysics for People in a Hurry" by Neil deGrasse Tyson
- "What If?: Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions" by Randall Munroe
- "Sophie's World" by Jostein Gaarder
- "Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes" by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein
- "At the Existentialist Café: Freedom, Being, and Apricot Cocktails" by Sarah Bakewell
- "The Year of Living Philosophically"
- "The Consolations of Philosophy" by Alain de Botton
- "The Pig That Wants to Be Eaten: 100 Experiments for the Armchair Philosopher" by Julian Baggini
- "50 Philosophy Ideas You Really Need to Know" by Ben Dupré
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Comment on What is the importance of not swearing in front of my kid? in ~life
gravitycat LinkMy approach was to teach my kids this framework: words are the clothes you dress your ideas in. When you swear, you are dressing your ideas in a bit of a lazy, slobbish way. Nothing wrong with...My approach was to teach my kids this framework: words are the clothes you dress your ideas in. When you swear, you are dressing your ideas in a bit of a lazy, slobbish way. Nothing wrong with that if it’s done intentionally—sometimes you just want to wear your pajama pants to the grocery store. But usually in communication you want credibility and effectiveness. It’s much easier to have credibility and effectiveness when you dress your thoughts and ideas up in the best outfit you can. People will just take you more seriously, and in most communication, the better that outfit, the more correlation between being taken seriously and listened to; being truly listened to is a good thing, worth striving for in most situations.
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Comment on I'm looking for a project management tool similar to gantt but... different in ~tech
gravitycat LinkThis comment may go a little against the spirit of tildes simply in that I don’t have time to unpack ‘why’, but the tool we have moved to at my shop is https://www.aputime.com/ We have lots of...This comment may go a little against the spirit of tildes simply in that I don’t have time to unpack ‘why’, but the tool we have moved to at my shop is https://www.aputime.com/
We have lots of chaos and interruptions and for us APUTime is indistinguishable from magic. -
Comment on If a song falls in a cultural forest, will anyone hear it? in ~music
gravitycat Link ParentWhat a cool idea. I had been thinking about getting her a few hours in a recording studio as a birthday present, but this seems like a much, much better idea that will support her growth much more...What a cool idea. I had been thinking about getting her a few hours in a recording studio as a birthday present, but this seems like a much, much better idea that will support her growth much more deeply. Appreciate you Akir.
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Comment on If a song falls in a cultural forest, will anyone hear it? in ~music
gravitycat Link ParentGreat idea. I'll definitely do this.Great idea. I'll definitely do this.
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Comment on If a song falls in a cultural forest, will anyone hear it? in ~music
gravitycat Link ParentYes, that's her! I didn't realize she had her music in so many places... really surprised to see it on Apple and YT music. Thank you for sharing that link. And I'll check out Regina Spektor. Thank...Yes, that's her! I didn't realize she had her music in so many places... really surprised to see it on Apple and YT music. Thank you for sharing that link. And I'll check out Regina Spektor. Thank you.
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Comment on If a song falls in a cultural forest, will anyone hear it? in ~music
gravitycat LinkI have a young relative who is a prolific songwriter. She is 100 percent self taught and all the songs are recorded with an iPhone on a piano that hasn’t been tuned in 40 years. I have no...I have a young relative who is a prolific songwriter. She is 100 percent self taught and all the songs are recorded with an iPhone on a piano that hasn’t been tuned in 40 years.
I have no professional music experience, and I acknowledge I am biased because I know this person, yet I feel like the song writing (i.e. particularly the song writing aspect, esp. the lyrics) is just incredible. Really—the music is special imho. (My favorites: Appaloosa, ninth life, inbound. It’s on Spotify, artist is Lady Dynamite... I’d love to know what you all think of it.)
I am perpetually encouraging this young artist to engage in the world in a promotional way, with the cynical perspective that there is no creative work that is exempt from the vulgar toils of marketing.
She truly wants people to hear her music--but the trifecta of: how identity gets constructed online (and forever follows you and defines you), trolls, and the inauthenticity (my words, not hers, but trying to capture a feeling) of self-promotion--she does nothing more than add the songs to a Spotify account, anonymous and unlinked to her IRL identity in any way.
While one reading might be that she is hemmed in by her own fears, I don’t think that’s really it. She is fearless about putting other work in the world under her own name. In these other non-music endeavors she does—possibly because they are projects that are inherently and already intertwined with the sullying forces of what it means to “self-promote”—she is willing to be the vocal spokesperson for them. I think it is partially because music is so important to her, that she doesn’t want to feel it weighed down by self-promotion. She isn't opposed to others sharing the music, so there is nothing about it being "private" going on here either.
This rambling post is about all kinds of questions and thoughts…
(a) how much exceptional generative work is effectively erased/lost because there is “no brother Theo,” ie no internal or external driver of the very capitalist project of marketing (thinking about how instrumental Vincent Van Gogh’s brother was.)
(b) What do you think of the music? I really love it, and listen to it quite a bit. Is this a function of bias, or quality? (obviously there are other things at play, like does it sound like other music you like, etc., but asking generally.)
(c) Is having an audience, no matter how small, possible without self-promotion? On the surface it seems like the answer is no, and obviously if zero people know about it, nothing happens… but do people share things they love? Is word of mouth a thing? And if so, what does it need to be seeded and started? 100 fans? 1,000? 10,000? (obviously there isn’t a concrete number, more curious about musings you all have on the broader questions…)
(d) If you are an artist, musician, writer etc. what advice would you have for this young musician who would love an audience but who has zero space for the adjacent commercial work?
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If a song falls in a cultural forest, will anyone hear it?
16 votes -
Comment on Are there other good aggregator sites? in ~tech
gravitycat Link ParentHere is the thread! https://ask.metafilter.com/4466/What-is-a-good-name-for-our-daughter/amp We chose a first name that never appeared in the thread, and a really unconventional suggestion from...Here is the thread!
https://ask.metafilter.com/4466/What-is-a-good-name-for-our-daughter/ampWe chose a first name that never appeared in the thread, and a really unconventional suggestion from the discussion for the middle name. It was fun to revisit the discussion. Great idea to look up the original thread!
This is such great info! Can anyone chime in on over the ear nose canceling headphones?