TheFireTheft's recent activity
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Comment on Seeking recommendations for a solo journey to London in ~travel
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Comment on What are some “sore thumb” lyrics for you? in ~music
TheFireTheft LinkI'm breaking the rules and submitting a song with a sore thumb bridge/interlude. Namely, this guitar solo makes me insane. It is what I would consider as close to a perfect song UP UNTIL this...I'm breaking the rules and submitting a song with a sore thumb bridge/interlude. Namely, this guitar solo makes me insane. It is what I would consider as close to a perfect song UP UNTIL this waste of a guitar solo. It's lazy.
Here, start the song from the beginning and listen: Sufjan Stevens - Springfield
The aforementioned cat scratching at my eardrums starts at 1:25. What the hell Sufjan!
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Seeking recommendations for a solo journey to London
Some background: this trip was originally my 40th birthday present from my now ex-wife. We've since divorced and I'm insistent on going by myself, as something always seems to come up and ruin my...
Some background: this trip was originally my 40th birthday present from my now ex-wife. We've since divorced and I'm insistent on going by myself, as something always seems to come up and ruin my overseas travel plans. So, I want to treat this as a sort of growth/healing/looking forward trip.
About me: I've traveled quite a bit but I've never been outside of North America. Europe is completely new to me. I am very fond of football, food, beer, hiking, history, and new experiences. I prefer to stay away from tourist traps and I'd rather find hole in the wall type places that are recommended to me by locals. When I travel somewhere, I want to immerse myself.
I'll be there for ~9 days and I have the first 5 days fully worked out. What I need help with is figuring out what I want to do in London for the last 3 days of the trip before I head back to the airport. Other than going to a Fulham game next Saturday, I'm completely wide open. I would prefer to stay in the greater London area since the first half of the trip already involves quite a bit of travel.
I'd love to hear your recommendations do's/don'ts, or general guidance. I'm open to pretty much anything.
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Comment on Spotify is adding direct messaging to their music streaming app in ~tech
TheFireTheft LinkThis used to be a feature, way back in the day. I'm gonna say ~2011-2014. I actually used it quite a bit because it was much easier to share songs within Spotify itself rather than having to go...This used to be a feature, way back in the day. I'm gonna say ~2011-2014. I actually used it quite a bit because it was much easier to share songs within Spotify itself rather than having to go outside the platform. I didn't hate it back in the day.
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (August 2025) in ~health.mental
TheFireTheft LinkI'm fresh off a divorce that came out of the blue. I just moved into my own place a few weeks ago. Trying to adjust to this new normal. Struggling to find meaning and purpose these days outside of...I'm fresh off a divorce that came out of the blue. I just moved into my own place a few weeks ago. Trying to adjust to this new normal. Struggling to find meaning and purpose these days outside of just being a great father, but I'm at least comfortable that that's good enough of a purpose to keep me going.
In my journey of introspection, I've discovered that one of the biggest things holding me back is self-doubt in general, and not having enough confidence in my gut specifically. This gets made worse when others question my judgments, which causes me to question myself, and then I end up beating myself up. Trying to figure out how to boost my self-confidence.
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Comment on What games have you been playing, and what's your opinion on them? in ~games
TheFireTheft LinkI'm still chipping away at Clair Obscur with the few hours I have each week. What a refreshing take on an RPG! Tiny spoiler alert I just finished Act 2. What in the ever loving...I'm still chipping away at Clair Obscur with the few hours I have each week. What a refreshing take on an RPG!
Tiny spoiler alert
I just finished Act 2. What in the ever loving... -
Comment on What is a non-problematic word that you avoid using? in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link Parent"Preggers""Preggers"
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Re: spiraling
tl;dr: Happy (?) ending I wanted to post a short follow-up to my post last week, as things have progressed very quickly. The most important thing I would like to say is "thanks" to everyone who...
tl;dr: Happy (?) ending
I wanted to post a short follow-up to my post last week, as things have progressed very quickly.
The most important thing I would like to say is "thanks" to everyone who chimed in with your very helpful advice, well wishes, and support. I took everything you said to heart (which is probably a risky thing to do from random internet folks, but this community is simply different).
Everything just clicked for me as I was going for a run last Friday and talking out loud to myself in a sort of stream of consciousness manner. I probably looked like a crazy person. Honestly, I don't know where the words came from, but it was all crystal clear.
I went home and asked my wife to talk "just one more time... and this time it will be different, I promise." I told her that I have come to terms with her decision and I respect it. I also asked her if my understanding of what went wrong made sense, and she said I hit the nail on the head. So I have a starting point for what I need to start working on personally.
We talked for a long time and started going through logistics. We are both on the same page about raising our son in a healthy manner. We will be doing equal shifts (week on, week off) and will find places to live relatively close to each other. We plan to remain friends and meet up regularly for our son.
On top of all of these things that happened VERY quickly on Friday, I found out that my mother fell and broke her hip on Saturday. She's got a bunch of other issues so a hip break is NOT good for her. We all packed up and hit the road to drive ~4 hours to the hospital. Mom is recovering now. It was a very surreal experience, this new form of bonding my wife went through over the weekend. We're now just friends, living together for the time being; yet still doing everything we can to help each other out.
I'm still very tired and not sleeping, and I'm CERTAIN I'm not even one step into the grieving process, but I feel better right now. I am working on moving on and moving forward. I feel as if I have stepping stones that will make me a better person AND I can work on the issues that caused all of this in the first place so I can learn how to pass that wisdom on to my son to make sure he doesn't run up against the same challenges as I did.
Again, I am sharing all of this because you all gave me some very frank, direct, and compassionate advice and support. Reading through the comments as they came in helped to keep me grounded and on track. I have archived all of the messages in my Obsidian notebook and I will read them in the future to remind myself to stay focused on self improvement. Thank you, once again.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentThank you, once again. I am grateful for your advice to a random stranger. I will read and reread it once more after I am not so emotionally drained. I decided to read what I wrote above to her...Thank you, once again. I am grateful for your advice to a random stranger. I will read and reread it once more after I am not so emotionally drained.
I decided to read what I wrote above to her today. She agreed with everything I said, told me that she had been allowing it and enabling it for years, and she finally made the decision to move on. We talked and cried together for a long time. We are moving forward with the divorce and will continue to be friends with the goal of giving our child the best life possible.
I am tired and heartbroken, and I am prepared to enter into a long and painful grieving process. But at the same time, I am encouraged that I have uncovered a new area for growth in my life, and I will try my best to learn about it and apply it to my parenting.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentI'm replying to you because it seems to fit best here, but this same reply could go to most of the other commenters. I've just had the final epiphany. It’s controlling behavior that I’ve been...I'm replying to you because it seems to fit best here, but this same reply could go to most of the other commenters.
I've just had the final epiphany.
It’s controlling behavior that I’ve been doing. I have finally come to understand what my wife was saying. Anytime she approached me with something that I didn’t agree with, I felt like I was losing control, and therefore rather than trying to listen and understand her feelings, I tried to change her feelings and change her mind so I could regain control. It probably happened in every single argument we had from the very beginning. She decided enough was enough when I tried to control her relationship with her biological family. I finally understand. I will keep working on myself and maintain a sliver of hope, but I think it’s time to come to terms and respect her decision.
She has been telling me that for years and I just didn’t listen. Instead, I tried to control the situation. “I’m not trying to control you. I’m just trying to do what’s best for us, or I'm just playing devil's advocate, or I'm just trying to think about this logically.”
Instead of listening to her feelings, and trying to understand how and why she felt that way, I tried to control the outcome for my own selfish reasons, probably rooted in insecurity and fear of discomfort or change.
What’s done is done and there is no going back. Now that I know, now that I see it crystal clear, I must work on it and grow from it. I can become a better person for myself and for my son. Hopefully he will never learn this toxic behavior if I can successfully overcome it. If it is genetic, or I’ve already instilled it in him, I must teach him how to overcome it himself, lest he make the same mistakes I made. That is my primary goal in life right now. Everything else is secondary.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft LinkReflecting on this a day later... These comments have been sobering. I find myself going through a cycle of stages of grief, from regret, to anger, to feeling motivated to change, back to sorrow,...Reflecting on this a day later...
These comments have been sobering.
I find myself going through a cycle of stages of grief, from regret, to anger, to feeling motivated to change, back to sorrow, etc. The hardest thing is forcing myself not to act impulsively. I've settled on my current posture, which is: I am not trying to fix things, and any attempts will only further alienate us. Instead, I'm going to leave that part to the marriage counselor. Right now, I'm focusing on being a good dad and working on personal growth.
I'm going to continue going to therapy, build a good playlist, go for some long, long runs, and continue my journey of emotional growth. All of this won't change the fact that my heart is shattered, but maybe they will be the first steps in piecing it back together.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentI downloaded the audiobook yesterday and started listening. Chapter 1 was like an exact mirror replica of how I've been (and should have been) acting in our relationship. I didn't get any further...I downloaded the audiobook yesterday and started listening. Chapter 1 was like an exact mirror replica of how I've been (and should have been) acting in our relationship. I didn't get any further because things are very raw. However, I appreciate the suggestion. I can see value in the advice in this book regardless of my immediate outcome.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentThis is one of the things I am struggling with most right now. Apparently I am completely aloof or something, because I couldn’t imagine any other scenario than being with my wife and raising our...But I'd rather be with who I am now, building a life and planning a family with my fiancé now than the path my ex and I were on back then. It wasn't bad, but a shadow of what is possible.
This is one of the things I am struggling with most right now. Apparently I am completely aloof or something, because I couldn’t imagine any other scenario than being with my wife and raising our child together. I have nothing to complain about relating to her and she makes me happy. So I’m just reeling a little bit right now. Like I said, it’s all very shocking and painful.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentThank you. Sincerely.Thank you. Sincerely.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentThese are the kinds of things that I don't have any natural understanding or experience with. I'm still discovering so many weird (to me) ways that I make things about me instead of respecting her...When she agreed to go to couple's counseling, "for you" not "for us", I think you should have just let it stand there and accepted this as progress towards figuring out the status of your relationship.
These are the kinds of things that I don't have any natural understanding or experience with. I'm still discovering so many weird (to me) ways that I make things about me instead of respecting her feelings. I'll say it again and again... it's all just so confusing.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentI think it was the straw that broke the camel's back. The long and the short of it was that she discovered the news via 23andMe and had a strong desire to connect with her biological father. How I...How does she feel about the dad vs biodad situation? I don't mean to pry, and feel free not to share, but I feel there may be important context there.
I think it was the straw that broke the camel's back.
The long and the short of it was that she discovered the news via 23andMe and had a strong desire to connect with her biological father. How I responded at the time was by, as others would say, going into problem solving mode... "I think you're moving too quickly", "I think you need to consider what kind of effects this will have on your other family members", "how can you love somebody you don't even know", etc.
In hindsight, everything I said and how I responded was downright rotten. I was jealous and insecure of losing a part of my relationship with her. Turns out I ended up manifesting that result by my actions.
What I should have done was simply show her that I'm there to support her if she needs it, pick up some slack with the toddler, and just simply show her love and happiness for this new chapter of her life.
We've been through a lot of shit together... a miscarriage (which we both came out stronger on the other end), the birth of our child, she helped guide me through the death of my best friend. And when this happened, I was selfish when I should have been there for her, by her side.
In that sense, I don't blame her at all for how she feels.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentI understand, and I don't have any intention to try to "change her mind" or "make her fall back in love with me." I'm working on myself to become a better version of me, but I'm still holding onto...Since you respect your wife, that includes respecting her decision.
I understand, and I don't have any intention to try to "change her mind" or "make her fall back in love with me." I'm working on myself to become a better version of me, but I'm still holding onto a sliver of hope that... well... who knows anymore. This is all very confusing and challenging.
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Comment on Spiraling in ~talk
TheFireTheft Link ParentThank you. You’ve nailed one of my recent epiphanies — jumping straight to problem solving — and have opened my eyes yet again as to how it manifests.Thank you. You’ve nailed one of my recent epiphanies — jumping straight to problem solving — and have opened my eyes yet again as to how it manifests.
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Spiraling
Preface: Beware: long, scattered post incoming. I'm not having suicidal thoughts. No matter what happens, life is still worth living. I'm spiraling right now. I'm so confused and lost that I need...
Preface:
- Beware: long, scattered post incoming.
- I'm not having suicidal thoughts. No matter what happens, life is still worth living.
I'm spiraling right now. I'm so confused and lost that I need to just put this out there, somewhere, anywhere. Here goes:
I've been happily married for coming up on 8 years next week. Our relationship has always been strong, we've always considered each other best friends, and I've always felt that our love was built on a rock-solid foundation.
Lately, my wife has been acting very distant. Enough so that it started ringing some alarm bells in my head. I took a personal inventory of several of the "disconnected" events and sat down with her last week to ask if we were okay. Her response was indifference. After a bit of a pause, I asked her if she still loved me, to which she responded "I don't know." Of course a lot more was said, but the summary is that I was completely floored and she was emotionless and indifferent.
I asked one thing: that we would set up marriage counseling sessions. She agreed. Our initial individual sessions start next week.
Since then, I've spent every single moment trying to examine myself and my flaws, where I've damaged our relationship in the past, and what I can do in the future to be a better person for her.
On Monday, I actually had some massive discoveries about myself, and blindspots in my emotional maturity. I discovered one little thing, which led to two or three more. By the end of this very exciting and motivating self-reflection session, I was PUMPED UP! For once in years, I felt like I've discovered this whole new region of growth in my brain.
I also had a session with my therapist that same day, in which I shared the recent events and my bout of epiphanies. She mentioned that "sometimes it takes a major life event to get people out of a rut and start a growth journey." I left the session feeling really good, really motivated, like there is a whole new and great future ahead of me and us.
I also came to a realizations about how I've hurt her in the past. The long and the short of it is that I'm terrible about empathizing and listening to feelings, and my insecurities put me into a defensive mode rather than a supportive, listening, partner mode.
A week later, and I'm still buzzing, reflecting, discovering more emotional epiphanies, and REALLY looking forward to marriage counseling. However, I've also forced myself to keep all of this to myself and just start showing that I am growing by taking actions. It hasn't been the time to share any of this with her, especially because I've said a lot of words in the past about changing that never seemed to materialize. I knew that the right time would come.
And then, last night happened.
"I had a session with my therapist today. I've made the decision that we need to divorce."
Commence spiraling.
The first thing I said was: "Please, I'm begging you, go through the marriage counseling sessions with me."
She said "I will go to marriage counseling, but I'm only doing this for you."
I then decided to share with her all of the personal discoveries I've made and the growth journey I'm embarking on, how I've realized that I hurt her in the past when she needed me most, and how I'm committed to growing and working on myself and our relationship because I love her and I made that vow to her when we married. I told her that I realized finally what this heavy feeling in my heart is: it is the physical manifestation of love, and I know that because it hurts so much, and if it wouldn't hurt if there wasn't love.
She said she went through a similar process of pain and grieving last year (there's some really deep and heavy stuff that went down, in short, she discovered that her father was not her biological father; she started the journey of meeting her new family and my response at the time came from insecurity and jealousy). She said that she was done processing those emotions and that she has moved on and is focusing on herself and our 3 year old son.
She said that she loves me and cares about me, she even held me and hugged me. But that made it hurt even more. I feel like I am being led on.
I went for a walk to clear my head, and when I got home, she asked if I was okay, and I said "No. But I'm treating this as a challenge. Your love has always come easy and I've never had to fight for it. For the first time, I am going to actually fight to earn your love."
I didn't sleep last night. I decided to go into the office this morning to knock some stuff out early so I could take a personal day. On the way out the door, I asked her to promise something to me: I said "when we go to marriage counseling, please don't do it for me. Please do it for us. We've gone through so much together, we made vows to each other when we married that we would stick together through the good and the bad. Please, let's just give it one last ditch effort." She said "Okay."
This morning, some questions have started popping into my head, uninvited: "how will custody of our 3 year old work?" "Will I be removed from his life?" "Who's going to get the house?" -- and I'm really trying to remove those thoughts from my mind right now because I don't want to even entertain the possibility at this point. These are questions I never in a million years I thought I would be asking myself.
Now I'm at a coffee shop, typing this message. I have an emergency appointment with my therapist in a few hours, although I'm not sure what that will solve at this point.
I am questioning the very core, foundational things I thought I knew about myself. I am confused and lost and heartbroken.
I'm also not really sure why I'm sharing this message with you all. Perhaps because it is therapeutic to type all of this out, and perhaps I trust this community.
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Comment on What's your favorite music album to get high to? in ~music
TheFireTheft LinkGodspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to the HeavensGodspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to the Heavens
Heading out to Norwich area as soon as I land to visit a friend and see an Isthmian League football match. Then, I’m immediately heading to Gatwick to fly to Italy and stay with some old friends for a few nights. I return to London Saturday morning, and I have a ticket to the Fulham game Saturday evening. Other than that, I have no plans Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. Headed back to the airport early Tuesday.
If it helps, I’m staying in South Kensington.