What would your past self say about your current self?
What would your past self(intentionally vague) say about your current self(also intentionally vague)?
my own answer
My past self would be surprised by the following:
I am both less black and white and more black and white thinking than I used to be.
I no longer put as heavy of an emphasis on Science being the only way to explain things.
I have chosen to have less reliance on external validation.
I burned out and hit at least two rock bottoms, and still have not fully recovered from them.
I am pansexual and have at least grey thoughts about monogamy.
I am more spiritual.
I struggle socially (not in making friends, but how much anxiety or exhaustion I have around it)
I am disabled.
I can no longer travel or do physical activities that were a large part of my life.
Experiencing pain that is constant and chronic.
I would mourn so many things at such young an age.
My family would become disconnected.
I would have a much better relationship with my dad, but not my mom.
I would live in a non-high density or HCOL area.
I would consider a career outside of lawyer, psychiatrist, or scientist.
Difficulty reading or learning.
Commitment issues.
Losing some of my best friends or other partners.
I am neurodivergent (though that is only because the terminology did not exist at the time).
Not being able to solve all problems or get myself out of everything, a drop in self-reliance, see burnout.
Liking children and desiring to be a mentor or some sort of male au-pair.
No longer like drinking, but do enjoy cannabis, ketamine, and LSD.
My past self would not be surprised by:
Still a perfectionist
Still argumentative
Still a clown and silly
Enjoyment of philosophy and law
Holding out to not have a car for decades only to be saddled with a lemon.
Constant boredom and a need to know "why" or learn something new or otherwise seek out novelty and stimulation.
Don't know what to do in life. Want to be a constant traveler and learner.
Still hate cars.
Still have a pretension and elitist problem.
Struggle with self-love and self-worth, probably self-compassion too.
Overly generous.
Overly forgiving.
Lover of showers and baths.
Foodie despite hating the word and being anosmic. Becoming anosmic for two years and counting should be on the surprised list.
I learn best by visual instruction as well as hands on.
My current self, for the most part, likes itself in a way that I hadn't experienced for a long time. It's like my body took a break for ten years, deciding it hated itself and wanted constant improvement, all the while being its own worst critic and never really cheering it on. My current self is turning away from this mindset, and it feels great to have a more optimistic and self-satisfying life, but I just wish my physical body had not taken such a toll over the last few years.
Look forward to hearing others' thoughts.
Great timing! I write letters to my future self every few years and decided to write my next one this weekend!
Overall I think I'd be pretty stoked. The letters from the past tend to be pretty patient and kind. More of a "I hope you're living up to the goals I have and if not I'm hoping it's because they are no longer relevant and not because you didn't put in the effort" kind of feel. I'll see if I can dig up some of the old ones to post here with an EDIT, they are buried somewhere in my old hardware backups. I think there are 3 distinct periods I think of when considering what a "past self" would think of the current me: age 8, age 19, and age 23.
The 8 year old version of me would likely have very basic thoughts about my life: where do I live, what do I do for fun, what do I do for work. To that end I think I'm succeeding. I live an incredible place with walking access to the ocean and trails for mountain biking (little rosco loved boogie boarding and biking). In a similar direction I swim every day, I bike 3-5 times a week and meet up with large groups of friends to mountain bike on the weekends (though I ride decidedly "semi-rad" these days so he would probably be disappointed by that), and I fill in the rest of the time with soccer, volleyball, snowboarding, and climbing. In many ways I still have a bit of Peter Pan Syndrome, so there is little surprise that 8 year old me would approve.
Now 19 year old me was an asshole. My mom literally calls 18-21 my douchebag years and I think 19 was the peak of it. He binge drank a lot. He was stoned almost all the time. I'm hoping not to impress him too much. I think he would be excited we live so close to the ocean. He'd be disappointed I swim instead of surf now (I have inner ear issues that give me really intense vertigo if I duck dive) and would call me a little bitch for the "semi-rad" comment above. I rarely smoke (once every few months) and don't drink very much, so again I think he'd be giving me a douchey rant. I do however make my own wine which I'm sure he'd enjoy. I also still make art, which 19 year old Rosco was all about. But we're no longer in a band, and we never made it big in Japan. Though he would enjoy knowing that a band that opened for us ended up headlining many of the big festivals like Coachella. He was in it for the wrong reasons anyway. All in all I think I'd be a let down, thank god.
The last one is 23 year old Rosco. The one that penned the first letter. The Rosco that got into climbing, weight lifting, and running. The one who had grand aspirations of what he wanted out of life and an optimism that only someone in their early 20s can maintain in the wake of a horrible recession. I think he'd be most excited of all. We ended up living his dream job - until it became a nightmare - but enjoyed the ride while we did it. We started our own company, something he'd wanted to do since being a teenage (I forgot, 19 year old Rosco would like that too). We travelled to may of the places he had hope to go. We finally have a long term relationship (I was a 6 month wonder from 16-26). I think he might be sad at how my outlook has changed and how my optimism has flagged. I'm still stoked about much of my life, but I spend an undo amount of time motherfuckering our systems, wealth/generational inequality, and the political bullshit at large. I think he'd be glad we still have a high level of fitness, but disappointed we never hit his goal weightlifting or weight targets (1000lb big 3 and 185lbs). I think he'd understand though with some pretty significant focus shifts and genetic disease things we learned about at 27.
I think I'm pretty content knowing that I'd disappoint the versions of me I look back on with a strong feeling of cringe and would probably make the versions of me I most miss excited about where I've landed.
I hope to be as self-compassionate as you are some day. It seems like you have instilled upon yourself a degree of forgiveness and understanding from an early point in your life.
So understanding and such kind words to yourself.
I find your time blocks interesting, 8, 19, 23. I myself think of 25 for my past self. It's not that I do not have other recollections of self, it's that I don't find them contentious lol, so ofc, my over analyzing personality likes to find a time where I could compare to for difference sake.
I love your self-referential response within the message:
and
You know that 19yr old you would even be a critique of this very own post, and it feels the response is authentic and in character.
Funny, I also had a very r/fitness type of goal myself, being able to OHP my own body weight. I peaked at a 120lbs lift at 125lbs BW. I'll never forget how close I came, and the patience and perseverance of trying to get that last 5lbs (I would go up to 130lbs, lift 125, then never be able to maintain it coming back down in weight, over and over, for months). If it's not clear from my OP, I am currently trying to mourn the loss of physical potential in my own body. I hope to eventually come to a place where I have reduced my own suffering. But for now, it stings pretty badly.
I enjoyed your response, and look forward to the Edit. I found myself warmly smiling, and at times lightly laughing.
Thanks for the kind words! I find being easy on my future self easy as I'm the one handing him his problems haha. I really miss the era of Covid where people were patient and kind to each other. The quintessential "well, it's a hard time so remember to be easy on yourself" from that period is sorely missed.
I'm surprised how much your list resonates with me as well. Getting older can be such a mindfuck. I'm not disabled yet but I've a chronic injury that takes me out of exercise around 4 months a year - when that will happen is just a perfectly adult "spice of life" ;) - and it turns out I have early onset Dupuytrens from rock climbing. So disability with the loss of the use of my hands is around the corner for me. It's been interesting learning to deal with these little losses. I went from climbing 4-5 times a week and having it be a core part of my identity, to not climbing at all for the last 2 years. Biking is still a highlight but my other chronic injury takes me out of the saddle every year, and I'm assuming in 10-15 years I likely won't be able to do that. But swimming has been an absolute highlight and one that I think I'll be able to do until I die - all other injuries and diseases be damned. The majority of folks I see and have become friends with at the steps down to the water are all 70+ and I hope to still be there when I'm in that demographic.
And 100% on the r/fitness goals. I had big Nsuns dreams, but I'm glad those are gone. None of that is actually functional for life and as I get older I just want to be able to maintain my fitness and ability to do the activities I like, the chores I need to do, and maybe help a friend move furniture every now and then. It's wild how those big markers can hide juuuuust out of grasp. I ended up getting to 325lbs for my deadlift and nothing else ever came close. Now even looking at that much weight hurts my knees.
I really enjoyed how vulnerable and authentic your list was. I left a few things off mine that were personal, and after re-reading yours I'm sad I did. Also I got a very good chuckle out of this one:
I'll see if I can find the letters from the past (the first was the best) and if you like the idea I would encourage you to try it yourself. I find myself reading them when I'm having a hard time and they often inspire me to push through or provide a nice warm blanket when I can't.
I am curious, how do you manage the letter? Do you send it by email with time delay or is it paper and you file it away?
Lol, manage is a kind word. The first one was a word doc I saved and assumed I'd just look back at it at a later date. It turns out I do! But often when I'm getting a new laptop and deciding what to keep. the next was an email that I sent to myself. The third was a few pages of a notebook I wrote on a backpacking trip. I'm not sure what I'll do this year. Maybe an email again.
I know they exist so it's easy to go lookin for them. And because the letters are so kind I'm not usually too annoyed at past me when future me has to spend time hunting them down ;)
“You were supposed to do better” 😁
I think younger me would be pretty proud of me. He'd, ironically, probably feel jealous or frustrated because he'd feel like he could never do what I have so he'll just be stuck being a little bit disappointed all the time, feeling like he should be more. Which might actually be worse given that he can see it is possible (and not just theoretically, but actually), and then get frustrated at why he still feels incapable.
I'd then remind him that he has an undiagnosed mental disorder, and it's not his fault.
Thanks, OP, this was therapeutic.
Depends. A lot of younger selves would be amazed to see me live this long.
Thinking back it’s remarkable how many younger selves I would probably tell to run far away from that situation. Would past me listen? If they really believe I am me from the future, yes, but I probably wouldn’t. In any case, I only wish there were more people telling me to leave when I was younger.
Are you saying you have had multiple instances of which you wish you had left or done otherwise? But you think no amount of convincing would have changed your choices?
I stayed out of fear. For want of basic securities like housing and food.
The fear of becoming homeless is much greater in the US than it is in many other countries because the unhoused are demonized. There is an assumption that if you are homeless, you deserved it because you're a drug addict. There are countless social stigmas attached to it, especially in cities. If you become evicted, your chances of finding housing again are drammatically lower and rent prices tend to go up because the people who will take you will charge you more for the assumption of risk that renting to you is to them.
I was a young gay teen at one time. I feared that I would be attacked, raped, and murdered, and nobody would care about it because of how low my social standing was.
As an adult the thing I needed to get away from was work. I was never paid enough for the work I was doing and the work kept getting much more difficult, stressful, and personally demanding. But I kept doing it because even though I wasn't making enough money to support myself I felt I had to or else I would be abandoned and left alone.
I have since quit that job and I am making significantly less money doing what I'm doing now, but I am so much better off for having done that. I'm not left alone, and I'm making it through somehow. Perhaps the most insulting thing is that after I stopped working, a lot of my expenses lowered dramatically, so even with the pittance I was making, the job itself demanded renumeration! I am so glad that I'm not dealing with that anymore.
“You should have chosen Computer Science.”
As always, it is the best science.
I'm still mad that my academic advisor and dean told me I could drop Intro to Computer Science, because I "was taking other 'real' classes" (I was a Biology Major). I had come to her for permission to drop the class (required by my school), because I was getting a B- during the first quarter of the semester, and I was not used to not being an A student from high school. Maybe I would have learned how to struggle and approach things I wasn't already naturally good at, maybe I would have done something else with my career.
All what ifs, oh well.
I was encouraged to do orchestra over CS (had to pick one bc scheduling conflict) in high school because it would "look better for college apps." So pick the class that was giving me chronic wrist pain (that has still not gone away), damaged my hearing, and became completely irrelevant to my life after age 19 (I played in orchestra in college for 2 years). Don't pick the class that might have influenced me to pick a useful field (CS) over a useless one (math). This was unanimous advice from every single adult in my life at the time.
So, you're not alone in getting shitty advice discouraging you from CS lol
I sometimes feel the same way, but then think to myself that maybe school would have beaten the love for CS that I have now out of me through stress and exams.
“You didn’t die before 30??”
“What a fucking useless loser lol”
"Your beard is insane. Did you do anything to it or did it just grow like that?"
Would love to hear more, as a beard grower myself.
Recently, just when I thought my beard journey had stablized and I knew everything there was to know about it, I started growing hair on the cheek bones themselves. I always thought this area would be naked for me, this was based on 15 years of that being the case.
It seems the aging process takes the fight out of some follicles, and reinforces them elsewhere. I had a stronger goatee region growing up; trying to grow out the rest ended up pigeonholing me into a chin strap length that would ride too high or too low if i trimmed it slightly wrong, resulting in me cyclically orbiting planet neckbeard for my early 20s.
Thankfully, I learned to be okay with looking a little long in the tooth when my beard got long - I think letting it grow into a wild-man beard was key to me getting it to the hedgey length it is now. I really love it.
But definitely for the longest time I couldn't get off the chin strap because I kept trimming it and then the trim would look absolutely terrible, so it kept getting lopped off at the first hint of an error.
Past me would be disappointed I never pursued a creative goal of mine. The high effort and low chance of amounting to something worthwhile has kept me off it. I know I should just try, because if I did I could become better and maybe enjoy the process as much as the dream. But alas, I haven't managed yet.
Past me would be proud, and probably a bit surprised, that I went through a major career change recently that really altered my whole perspective on work life. Now I make a difference.
It's never too late to start :)
You could buy a simple drawing book like 4"x6" and doodle for 5 minutes when you feel like it. In 5 years or in 2 months, who cares the time it takes, you'll be able to fully draw what you want and be proud of you.
That's for drawing, but surely, you can start veeeeeery small with any creative thing.
Splurge right now! Go on the website you want to buy the creative things needed to start. It takes 5 minutes. Then put it in your lounge room, in the center and look at it for a while. Eventually, you'll pick it up.
He'd be sorry that I've had such a rough go of it, but proud that I've pulled through and survived regardless. He'd then want to pet my current dog, because dogs are awesome.
It depends on when you asked.
Late teenage me - "You're still alive?"
Early twenties me - "You're still at that job?"
Mid twenties me - "What happened to all your friends?"
Late twenties me - "So it really does get better?"
What did happen to all our friends?
Thinking of myself around 20-22ish years old, he'd probably be disappointed I'd never traveled more or lived somewhere else.
But on the hole? He'd be stoked I could grow a sweet beard, that I don't work too hard, that I have a comfortable life, that I'm not afraid to try new things like he is, that I have a wide swath of skills, from practical to hobbyist, stuff he struggled to develop. He'd be stoked I still play videogames, even if it's considerably less than he does, that I have a project car he'd approve of, even if it's not finished yet.
He'd probably be a little disappointed that I'm fatter. I'm not sure how he'd feel about my kids, probably mostly indifferent, maybe a little annoyed. He'd probably be stoked that I have a cool, well trained dog. He'd probably be pretty happy that I still know and hang out with the same friends, probably shocked at what one friend did and that we're not friends anymore.
Overall, I think he'd be pleased that I've basically achieved his goals, which would be to live a comfortable domestic life and to not work too hard and that he's not a total loser like he thought he might be.
Honestly, I think past me be surprised, in a good way, as to who I ended up in a relationship with. As she seemed so out of reach back then.
Though at the same time, I also do believe that past me would be saddened to know that I'm still not great when it comes to procrastination.
I feel this!
I think I would be very surprised at how little I've remembered all the lessons my past self made so many mistakes to learn on my future's behalf.
That hairline is tough, but looks like you're doing all right otherwise.
I wrote a poem? nine years ago and my past self would approve of me using this chance to spam it here. I still agree with the words inside of it. I don't think I've changed much in the years--just incrementally slightly more sophisticated.
I
II
III
IV
V
Hey, look at all those mistakes I can keep you from making.
Guess it makes sense. Don't know what I was expecting.
It feels like any version of me pre-2020 would have a lot of "Why did you" questions. Leave my dream job? Abandon every big endeavor? Cut certain people off? Go back to the family business? Not follow the plan?
And the sort answer is that you sort of need to be there, 60% percent is out of your control and you only have the bandwidth to handle 15% of the rest. I'd also beat up 19 year old me and steal his crypto wallet. The kids a stuck up asshole and hes going to blow the money anyway.
What a fantastic question. I'm kind of sad my answer will not be seen that much, but that's okay.
I took time to think about it after seeing the post yesterday and I'm quite happy with the answer I could give. In short, my past self would be perfectly happy about my current self, he would be proud of him and he would forgive him for his mistakes, just as I would about future me and just as present me does for past me.
I've asked myself this very question multiple times through the years and even though I could very well answer stuff like "he would be surprised that he still doesn't know how to cook" "he would be sad that he hasn't fixed his X problem" "he would be disappointed to know he's still single"; the truth is, I'm perfectly aware of my day to day decisions. I always know and understand why I decide to do things and why I decide not to do things. And I understand that, while I could have done more, I have done enough. I have done what I was capable to do, and that is okay.
I don't blame my past self for not being X enough and not doing X enough, because I know what he's gone through and I know what is coming for my future.
As much as we would all like to live a life of pleasure and leisure, the reality is that it's simply not possible nor is it truly what we want. I've had moments in my life where I was working 28 hours per week and living a leisurely life and I was not really happy. My apartment was filthy, I was eating like crap, I was not exercising, I was seeing no one, I was alone with my video games.
Today, I'm the most happy I've ever been in my life. My past self would be proud of me, but my past self could not realize how much work being happy requires. I have to work to keep up relationships, I have to work to talk to people and propose activities, I have to work to keep myself healthy, cook good meals, trim my beard, brush my teeth, change my bedsheets, clean my apartment, go buy X thing because I need it, go replace X thing because Y broke. Life is work and happiness is work too, but my past self didn't know that. I know that now and I don't blame him.
Last year, I realized that maybe I had ADHD, I consulted and got a diagnosis. I'm on medication now and boy did I have ADHD and boy did the medication fix a lot of problems. My past self would be insanely happy to see that I've finally made progress towards what I have wanted to do for years: cooking, chores, relationships, work, my car, my apartment, my organization. I'm so much better at everything than I was a year ago, or 10 years ago. How could my past self have known that he had ADHD? How could he have known, alone?
You shouldn't harshly judge your progress, nor should you blame yourself for your shortcomings. You don't know what's coming and you don't fully understand who you are and how your body works unless you truly take the time to do so. But how can you know that you need to know... if you don't know that's needed? (That was a weird sentence to write)
I used to heavily judge myself because I used to stay up late and sleep like shit, until I realized years later that I simply had a sleeping disorder that needed fixing. I used to heavily judge myself because I couldn't bring myself to do the things I needed to do, until I realized years later that I simply had executive dysfunction. I used to heavily judge myself because I was still single, until I realized years later that being single is not a problem to fix.
I'm better than I was last year. It's been this way for 30 years now. And I'm happy with that. It'll always get better, even if it's slow progress.
Why should I listen to that guy? He's an asshole!
Depends which past self. But, on the whole, probably something like, "I'm not too surprised. I wish that I was. I'm not looking forward to most of this."
I wish it wasn't so bleak but it is what it is.