I‘m so sorry to hear this. I don‘t know if it helps, but I was at a very dark place in life. I dealt with self hate and self consciousness since I was 13, started abusing alcohol with 16,...
I‘m so sorry to hear this. I don‘t know if it helps, but I was at a very dark place in life. I dealt with self hate and self consciousness since I was 13, started abusing alcohol with 16, marijuana with 18 and began a downwards spiral into LSD, MDMA, amphetamines and research chemicals. Anything to distract me from my existence. It ended up with me having a severe psychotic breakdown. I was constantly in fear of the universe crumbling because of what I did, had the feeling I had some terrible knowledge about the inner workings of existence which constantly ripped at my self. Also had a god complex for a while, terrible Deja Vùs multiple times a day which played into the whole „life is cyclical and I am the only one who truly knows about it“ thing and just generally, I was not functioning. Suicidal but at the same time terrified of death.
I managed to get psychiatric help, got medication (which I hated but now have to admit helped a ton), got into therapy (multiple therapies to be exact), found the source of my self hate (I‘m trans), proceeded to pursue transition which fueled me to finish my uni degree to get a good job to finance my transition. I started living the way I wanted publicly, started having more friends, having deeper connections, experiencing so many new things which past me would‘ve never thought possible.
I still have parts of that belief system that I got through my psychosis, but I adapted to it, and as my life got better, it too became more positive (or neutral, I should say). I still have bouts of anxiety sometimes, but today I can truly say life is great and I am eternally thankful for everything it has offered me.
I know our situations are not the same, I can‘t begin to imagine the hurt you must be feeling. Just know that for me, there was a way out even though I had no chance of seeing it while being in the midst of the worst. Take it one step at a time. Try to get help. You‘ll never imagine at which beautiful places you might end up
I‘m so sorry to hear this. I don‘t know if it helps, but I was at a very dark place in life. I dealt with self hate and self consciousness since I was 13, started abusing alcohol with 16, marijuana with 18 and began a downwards spiral into LSD, MDMA, amphetamines and research chemicals. Anything to distract me from my existence. It ended up with me having a severe psychotic breakdown. I was constantly in fear of the universe crumbling because of what I did, had the feeling I had some terrible knowledge about the inner workings of existence which constantly ripped at my self. Also had a god complex for a while, terrible Deja Vùs multiple times a day which played into the whole „life is cyclical and I am the only one who truly knows about it“ thing and just generally, I was not functioning. Suicidal but at the same time terrified of death.
I managed to get psychiatric help, got medication (which I hated but now have to admit helped a ton), got into therapy (multiple therapies to be exact), found the source of my self hate (I‘m trans), proceeded to pursue transition which fueled me to finish my uni degree to get a good job to finance my transition. I started living the way I wanted publicly, started having more friends, having deeper connections, experiencing so many new things which past me would‘ve never thought possible.
I still have parts of that belief system that I got through my psychosis, but I adapted to it, and as my life got better, it too became more positive (or neutral, I should say). I still have bouts of anxiety sometimes, but today I can truly say life is great and I am eternally thankful for everything it has offered me.
I know our situations are not the same, I can‘t begin to imagine the hurt you must be feeling. Just know that for me, there was a way out even though I had no chance of seeing it while being in the midst of the worst. Take it one step at a time. Try to get help. You‘ll never imagine at which beautiful places you might end up