Feeling somehow cosmically doomed to always fail
I have Bipolar I with minor psychosis, CPTSD and OCD. I was born into an emotionally abusive family, and they are the only people i know, because i am also chronically alone and have dealt with feelings of loneliness on some level since i was a young kid. I had some online friends who helped me a lot with mental health issues but i lost access to them. The main reason im suicidal is because i feel like i have really bad luck. No matter what i do it ends up amounting to nothing. Everytime i start having hope i lose it because something bad happens to me again.
I hear about mental illness and people having a successful life despite it and despite feeling hopeless, but i just dont see that its possible to ever have a life worth living.
I really hope there are other people who relate, or maybe people who used to be that hopeless but ended up living a good life.
I've been dealing with major mental health issues since later in my undergrad - Major Depressive Disorder to start, and a late diagnosis of ADHD. I was 20 when first diagnosed, and I'm 34 now.
My firstborn got extremely sick shortly after birth and had an extended hospital stay, and I got pretty bad anxiety that has stuck around since. I've had pretty good times, and I've had pretty bad times, with respect to my mental health over the last 14 years.
One of the biggest takeaways I can say to you, at least from my experience, is this: your mental health is the lens through which you perceive the world. This means that when you're in a bad place mentally - you will perceive and interpret everything in a much more negative light. You're feeling hopeless right now, because your mental health is in a bad enough place that the only thoughts making it through that lens (or maybe filter) are the negative ones. I've been there, and it sucks. But it also makes those negative conclusions you're landing on - life is hopeless - invalid, in the end. You're drawing a conclusion based on incomplete and/or biased information.
It also makes your course of action pretty straightforward - get help for your mental health. That's basically the only priority you should have, after meeting your basic living needs. And I know, personally - saying that is easy, doing it is harder. But it can be done.
Look for small wins. Maybe one day, make your only goal for the day to get a psychiatrist appointment booked. If you do that, that is a good day. Take the win. Another time, make it a 15m walk outside - go for that walk, and that was a good day. I've come to appreciate that mental health is a gradient, and while everybody has major swings based on life events, the more important part of managing it is not the absolute state that you're in - it's the momentum. Make today better than yesterday. Do it again tomorrow. Start with small wins, as above, and you'll start building positive momentum. Maybe if you get the psychiatrist appointment, a few days layer it's easier to find a therapist as well. Take that win, too.
Good luck. This shit fucking sucks sometimes, there's no other way to put it. But no, if doesn't always suck, as long as you get help.
From your post, I'd guess you're a young adult (early to mid 20s). I'm not some wise old guy, but I do probably have 10 years of dealing with this garbage on you, as an adult anyway (when you do have the power to address it). I had really, really shitty times in my life between 20 and 34. But I've also had plenty of good times, too.
And yes, you can "get your life together" for real. It'll take time, and effort, and hopefully you can find more external support than you have right now - that matters too. But you wanted to know if others have gotten past these feelings - yeah, I have. I have a PhD now, a six figure job, a wife and 3 kids. Most of the time, I'm pretty good these days. I still have times where I get into a funk, but I'm a lot more equipped to handle it. Every time you reach out for help, it gets a little bit easier to reach out for help the next time.
This is such a fantastic comment - thank you for posting.
I'll just reiterate that it's incredibly hard to see anything good when you're having a bad mental health day.
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not going to be able to change everything I want to in a day, especially not when I'm struggling. It's fucking hard to celebrate the little victories when you have so much in front of you. But if you don't find a way to make the journey better, you may not fully appreciate the destination.
No problem. I try to talk about it openly, in an effort to reduce stigma. If I can maybe help others, that's a win win for me.
That can be a tough thing to do just on its own. I'm very candid about my mental health struggles with people, because I feel it helps people understand why I behave the way I do. It can be a difficult topic to share, though.
I‘m so sorry to hear this. I don‘t know if it helps, but I was at a very dark place in life. I dealt with self hate and self consciousness since I was 13, started abusing alcohol with 16, marijuana with 18 and began a downwards spiral into LSD, MDMA, amphetamines and research chemicals. Anything to distract me from my existence. It ended up with me having a severe psychotic breakdown. I was constantly in fear of the universe crumbling because of what I did, had the feeling I had some terrible knowledge about the inner workings of existence which constantly ripped at my self. Also had a god complex for a while, terrible Deja Vùs multiple times a day which played into the whole „life is cyclical and I am the only one who truly knows about it“ thing and just generally, I was not functioning. Suicidal but at the same time terrified of death.
I managed to get psychiatric help, got medication (which I hated but now have to admit helped a ton), got into therapy (multiple therapies to be exact), found the source of my self hate (I‘m trans), proceeded to pursue transition which fueled me to finish my uni degree to get a good job to finance my transition. I started living the way I wanted publicly, started having more friends, having deeper connections, experiencing so many new things which past me would‘ve never thought possible.
I still have parts of that belief system that I got through my psychosis, but I adapted to it, and as my life got better, it too became more positive (or neutral, I should say). I still have bouts of anxiety sometimes, but today I can truly say life is great and I am eternally thankful for everything it has offered me.
I know our situations are not the same, I can‘t begin to imagine the hurt you must be feeling. Just know that for me, there was a way out even though I had no chance of seeing it while being in the midst of the worst. Take it one step at a time. Try to get help. You‘ll never imagine at which beautiful places you might end up
I appreciate your comment. I ended up admitting that i have OCD to my family (i didn't talk about the darker parts of it though) and will probably receive some form of psychological help at some point, but that is about it. But tbh i just wish i could just have a friend, partner or just somebody to talk to who understands. Its the main reason i was so hurt when i lost access to my online friends. But i worry that most people will end up hurting me or being transphobic or homophobic to me like nearly everyone i have known.
Hello fellow cursed person!
So, you have cosmically bad luck, like the universe sees whenever you get your hopes up, and winds up a massive punch down to keep you in your place?
I am also fantastically unlucky, in that some of my terrible luck is too fantastical to sound true. 'The Curse' was named when I really wanted a specific Italian restaurant, and somehow overcoming my executive dysfunction (ADHD), I get my roommate into my car saying I'll treat him to dinner. While driving over to the restaurant, I described this phenomenon, and that it felt good to get my hopes up.
The restaurant had burned to the ground the week before, leaving only ashes.
My therapist agrees that it's not just cognitive distortions in my case, I actually am ridiculously unlucky.
Good news! I may have some advice that might help.
For my birthday, I really wanted to go to a museum that I'd been intending to go to for 10 years or so, but never had someone to go with. My girlfriend graciously took me out, and as we were driving up to the parking lot, I mentioned that maybe I should get my hopes up.
The museum lost power 30 minutes before we got there. I took this as 'Yeah, never bet against the curse'.
But instead, something new was born. We went to an aquarium instead, and talked about 'making our luck'.
Have we had absurd bad luck since? Yes. Literally last night my girlfriend wanted to eat at an Indonesian place that's fantastic for her birthday, but was closed only yesterday. She was devastated, and we tried to find a replacement, but nothing sounds good. As luck would have it, her neighbor struck up a conversation and we had a wonderful night at a new American place.
'Making your own luck' is more -
A. Letting go of preconceptions -
I struggle with this a lot, but there are a lot of times that a frame of view can cause the very misery we want to stop. Seeing things as 'There's nothing else' rather than 'How can we move forward from here?' can cause a lot more doom and gloom than necessary. This includes 'What if?'s, as well as 'I messed up' and 'I can't's.
B. Allowing yourself nice things -
So, you didn't get 1. Are you beating yourself up? Are you comparing 2 which you have against the platonic ideal of 1? I fall into this trap a lot. There's an adage I put stock into - 'Comparison is the theft of joy'. Do you like your sparkly stone? Would that sparkly stone stand up to the crown jewels? No, but the sparkly stone is yours! You may be able to compare, covet, and despair, but you should also be able to cherish, pride, and enjoy as well!
There’s A 12 step group on point called adult children anonymous. If nothing else, you will find survivors of childhood family trauma with whom to talk, many of whom you will probably find have remarkable similarities, memories (or lack thereof), and experiences of things never working out.
ACA is not easy, but it is the only thing i have found to even kinda sorta start to get me unstuck.
More at adultchildren.org. Lots of zoom meetings.
I wanted to say thanks for this resource. I was a child who was emotionally neglected and physically abused, and the "Laundry List" they have posted is basically the story of my life.
If I may ask, how did you lose access to your online friends? Is your family isolating you from them?
No, nothing like that, but it would be hard to explain and im a bit exhausted rn. But yeah at this point i have no way of contacting them, and tbh if (or just when at this point) i die i don't want any innocent person to be emotionally invested in me, especially for the people i knew online because they were also extremely mentally ill
Okay, I just want to make sure you have people you can talk to and trust. I looked at some of your old comments, are you homeless right now?
No i live with my family
Okay. You mentioned your family has been emotionally abusive. Getting out of that house is right now one of the top three things you can do for your mental health. What sort of work do besides freelancing? If you’d like we can continue talking over PM.