Using a throwaway, because I'd like to get a little personal. Please bear with me. I can relate to almost all things people have mentioned in this thread, almost because I've never really gotten...
Exemplary
Using a throwaway, because I'd like to get a little personal. Please bear with me.
I can relate to almost all things people have mentioned in this thread, almost because I've never really gotten addicted to anything we'd consider "serious" like drugs, alcohol, sex etc.
Yet it still feels like I'm never not 'addicted' to something, junk food, 'normal' food, sugary products, video games, phone games, series, movies, youtube videos, essays, podcasts, news, posting rambling screeds on online discussion platforms, procrastination, comfort.
Every step away from one becomes a step toward another, every time I feel like I got a grip I regress into something else. Why? Why can't I step away? None of these things ought to be physically addictive yet here I am at 2 am in the morning stressing out about all the junk food I've consumed, about all the things I should be doing but don't.
Of course I found some sort of explanation for myself watching a movie, this scene from The World's End finally put what I felt in words.
"I don't wanna be sober. [...] All that promise and fucking optimism. [...] It was a big lie."
The world is scary, and complicated, and it hurts. It hurts a lot, all the time. I want it to hurt less, I can't go on otherwise. You need the stimuli, physical or mental, to get through it all but sometimes you lose sight of the fact that you are numbing yourself, dulling your senses and wasting time because you can no longer face the world on it's own terms, and it lands you in this downwards spiral where everything just gets worse.
Everything got worse, so you numb yourself more, and it gets worse again, on and on it goes. Because the one obvious solution, to face your problems, to acknowledge and accept your pain without letting it rule you, seems so far away and so pointless.
If you're like me, if somehow this reaches you, then reach out. Let somebody know you're in pain, ideally somebody equipped to listen and acknowledge it. There is still a capacity for change in you, the optimism isn't a lie, or at least not any more then the lie of comfort your addiction sells you on. The one thing keeping me going right now, the one thing that makes me want to face my issues is the fact that I got professional help, for all I know that might have been the difference between learning from a lot of small mistakes and committing the biggest, most permanent mistake ever.
Using a throwaway, because I'd like to get a little personal. Please bear with me.
I can relate to almost all things people have mentioned in this thread, almost because I've never really gotten addicted to anything we'd consider "serious" like drugs, alcohol, sex etc.
Yet it still feels like I'm never not 'addicted' to something, junk food, 'normal' food, sugary products, video games, phone games, series, movies, youtube videos, essays, podcasts, news, posting rambling screeds on online discussion platforms, procrastination, comfort.
Every step away from one becomes a step toward another, every time I feel like I got a grip I regress into something else. Why? Why can't I step away? None of these things ought to be physically addictive yet here I am at 2 am in the morning stressing out about all the junk food I've consumed, about all the things I should be doing but don't.
Of course I found some sort of explanation for myself watching a movie, this scene from The World's End finally put what I felt in words.
"I don't wanna be sober. [...] All that promise and fucking optimism. [...] It was a big lie."
The world is scary, and complicated, and it hurts. It hurts a lot, all the time. I want it to hurt less, I can't go on otherwise. You need the stimuli, physical or mental, to get through it all but sometimes you lose sight of the fact that you are numbing yourself, dulling your senses and wasting time because you can no longer face the world on it's own terms, and it lands you in this downwards spiral where everything just gets worse.
Everything got worse, so you numb yourself more, and it gets worse again, on and on it goes. Because the one obvious solution, to face your problems, to acknowledge and accept your pain without letting it rule you, seems so far away and so pointless.
If you're like me, if somehow this reaches you, then reach out. Let somebody know you're in pain, ideally somebody equipped to listen and acknowledge it. There is still a capacity for change in you, the optimism isn't a lie, or at least not any more then the lie of comfort your addiction sells you on. The one thing keeping me going right now, the one thing that makes me want to face my issues is the fact that I got professional help, for all I know that might have been the difference between learning from a lot of small mistakes and committing the biggest, most permanent mistake ever.