User: cinnamontrout

cinnamontrout

July 20, 2023

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I've had a lot of experience with this, both directly and indirectly (lots of women in my family). So here's a bunch of things that may help: Regarding the advice many have already offered about...

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I've had a lot of experience with this, both directly and indirectly (lots of women in my family).

So here's a bunch of things that may help:

Regarding the advice many have already offered about trying to widen your social circle: The reason this works is because most women do not want to feel like they are being interviewed for the position of future wife. Neither do most men. Almost everyone I know wants the story of how they fell in love to be - he/she was a wonderful person who just came into my life and I just knew. The best way for that to happen is for this person to actually be a part of your life, that you see regularly and on occasion without any romantic overtones. When you are around people regularly, you pick up on many clues about their personality and you get to see the real person. They are not performing for you or trying too hard to impress you. People who encounter each other this way often have the most realistic impression of their personalities, good and bad. This is the main reason why people often fall in love with co-workers or classmates. The daily environment of seeing someone, working on shared projects together generates a lot of the natural elements that cause attraction and also foster mutual understanding of each other.

Regarding soliciting feedback from your past dates - basically, you won't get useful actionable information from them. You may even get incorrect information, for a variety of reasons. Many women have had bad experiences and do not want to encourage a past suitor further, so they often will say what they think will end the iteraction with the least drama. This often means if you do have some glaring fault, they will not risk angering you and telling you what it is out of fear.

As someone who has entered the dating pool a few times in his life over many decades 20s, late 30s, who has tried online dating all both times (yes, there were online dating websites in the 1990s!) I can tell you the tech changes but the way people are do not. It's always a ratio of about 1-20 on the online sites, and doing social circles things go from 1-6 to 6-1 depending on the circle. Social circles always win.

And the other thing to be aware of - social circles are not always what they seem on the surface. When I was younger, I joined a social circle where I was the only one in my 20s, and most the volunteers were over 50. I was not attracted to any of the women there who were much older than me - however, I did end up going on a few dates with their daughters/nieces and I would not have had that opportunity any other way. Their mothers "vetted" me, essentially. Their daughters were basically looking for guys in bars or online and not doing well with that approach.

Finally I will repeat some advice that others have also said here - stop trying so hard. It's counter-productive. For 2 reasons. First is that desperation is not attractive. This is why you can't get a squirrel to eat our of your hand if you run at it with nuts. Sit quietly, hold out your hand, and they are much more likely to approach. Second is that need to be the kind of guy a woman wants to hang out with. A woman does not want to hang out with a guy who is desperately looking for her. She wants a guy who is happy with life, and living it to the fullest before she came along. So you need to be that guy, and one way to do that is to find purpose with a lots of other people, not future dating partners. Find a cause you believe in, and do the cause.

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