I am sorry to say that you need something that wont be easy to afford, in terms of time, money, and possibly emotional commitment. Marital Counselling. My wife is similar to yours (self proclaimed...
I am sorry to say that you need something that wont be easy to afford, in terms of time, money, and possibly emotional commitment.
Marital Counselling.
My wife is similar to yours (self proclaimed pack rat, anxious about many things, avoids many household chores, reacts very poorly to criticism)
My wife is also very different to yours (does the kids laundry, doom reads long form articles, handles the kids school stuff, attacks angrily when feeling criticised)
I've also been going through very similar challenges to you (dead bedroom, overwhelmed from too much clutter, frustrated from too much anxiety driven insistence that everything be done her way)
But I also have the good fortune to have private insurance that largely pays for marital counselling.
Here is what I have learned.
You do need marital counselling, but it will only help a little, and it takes forever to help and that is really, really expensive even with insurance that helps.
Marital counselling helps with communication, understanding, respect, remembering who we married and refocusing on doing more "yes, and..."
Marital counselling can also help us identify areas we want to change. My wife is much less angry, I am much more careful.
Marital counselling won't fundamentally change anyone. My wife will always be a pack rat, she will always insist that her way is the only way. I will always trigger my wife with things that sounds like criticism, or by living life with a reckless disregard for safety and thereby being a terrible role model. Then she will always trigger me, by criticising me with what to me feel like complete misrepresentations of the truth.
Marital counselling is more about helping you to help yourself. What do I really want? What can I live with. What can't I live with? How can I communicate more effectively? How can we repair the damage after a conflict?
But like I say, it takes forever. Each hour costs a lot of money, and each hour just focuses on one narrow issue.
There are a couple of things that don't require as much money, that are immensely helpful, but still require time and focus...
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman. You would both need to read it. The local library surely has a copy. The third chapter is focused solely on talking about the importance of being more "yes, and..."
I suggest you read this before you decide if marital counselling would work for you... https://couplesinstitutecounseling.com/how-to-get-the-most-from-your-couples-therapy/ and while I am not sure, I suspect there are many alternatives to paying for one on two recurring marital counselling such as teaching clinics, faith based counseling, group based counseling, self guided tools like gottman.com.
I use LLM's in addition to therapy. There is no substitute for marital counselling. But it helps me think more clearly about what I really want and then communicate more effectively. I use a Tor Browser, with a throwaway email with a throwaway LLM account. I set it to not share any conversations. I know nothing is truly anonymous on the internet. I am still taking the risk, as to me, the benefit outweighs the cost.
Both you and I are particularly challenged. I can't communicate without inducing shame induced rage. You can't communicate without inducing shame induced depression. Yet if you look closely at the link above, it will hopefully help you understand that not communicating is not an option. There are tools that will help. What do you aspire to be? What does your wife aspire to be? How can you help each other get there?
I am sorry to say that you need something that wont be easy to afford, in terms of time, money, and possibly emotional commitment.
Marital Counselling.
My wife is similar to yours (self proclaimed pack rat, anxious about many things, avoids many household chores, reacts very poorly to criticism)
My wife is also very different to yours (does the kids laundry, doom reads long form articles, handles the kids school stuff, attacks angrily when feeling criticised)
I've also been going through very similar challenges to you (dead bedroom, overwhelmed from too much clutter, frustrated from too much anxiety driven insistence that everything be done her way)
But I also have the good fortune to have private insurance that largely pays for marital counselling.
Here is what I have learned.
You do need marital counselling, but it will only help a little, and it takes forever to help and that is really, really expensive even with insurance that helps.
Marital counselling helps with communication, understanding, respect, remembering who we married and refocusing on doing more "yes, and..."
Marital counselling can also help us identify areas we want to change. My wife is much less angry, I am much more careful.
Marital counselling won't fundamentally change anyone. My wife will always be a pack rat, she will always insist that her way is the only way. I will always trigger my wife with things that sounds like criticism, or by living life with a reckless disregard for safety and thereby being a terrible role model. Then she will always trigger me, by criticising me with what to me feel like complete misrepresentations of the truth.
Marital counselling is more about helping you to help yourself. What do I really want? What can I live with. What can't I live with? How can I communicate more effectively? How can we repair the damage after a conflict?
But like I say, it takes forever. Each hour costs a lot of money, and each hour just focuses on one narrow issue.
There are a couple of things that don't require as much money, that are immensely helpful, but still require time and focus...
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman. You would both need to read it. The local library surely has a copy. The third chapter is focused solely on talking about the importance of being more "yes, and..."
I suggest you read this before you decide if marital counselling would work for you... https://couplesinstitutecounseling.com/how-to-get-the-most-from-your-couples-therapy/ and while I am not sure, I suspect there are many alternatives to paying for one on two recurring marital counselling such as teaching clinics, faith based counseling, group based counseling, self guided tools like gottman.com.
I use LLM's in addition to therapy. There is no substitute for marital counselling. But it helps me think more clearly about what I really want and then communicate more effectively. I use a Tor Browser, with a throwaway email with a throwaway LLM account. I set it to not share any conversations. I know nothing is truly anonymous on the internet. I am still taking the risk, as to me, the benefit outweighs the cost.
Both you and I are particularly challenged. I can't communicate without inducing shame induced rage. You can't communicate without inducing shame induced depression. Yet if you look closely at the link above, it will hopefully help you understand that not communicating is not an option. There are tools that will help. What do you aspire to be? What does your wife aspire to be? How can you help each other get there?
FYI: I am using an old, now throwaway account.