User: percent9

percent9

January 4 (edited January 4)

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I've been "trying" to graduate for the past... how many years? It's been so long I've lost count. Or better, I don't want to be reminded of the actual number. Meanwhile, I've started working...

I've been "trying" to graduate for the past... how many years? It's been so long I've lost count. Or better, I don't want to be reminded of the actual number. Meanwhile, I've started working full-time. This at least has made me feel less like garbage. But my family is still pressuring me to pass this last exam. I can't blame them, everyone would think it's a big shame if somebody dropped out of university with just one exam left. I totally agree. But at the same time, it's become unbearable for me to continue attempting to fix this situation. Actually, it's not like I've really attempted. I reached a point where even the thought of having to study triggers a sense of repulsion. I feel anxious, inadequate. Honestly speaking, I've never been that great at understanding theoretical concepts. But I know that if I give up, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will think at all those wasted years. I will have to accept being in the "lower league", so to speak. At least career-wise.

Maybe the problem is exactly this: I (my family?) can't accept my failure. I don't want to pay for those tutoring organizations which help you pass specific exams. It feels like cheating. If I'm going to graduate, I want it to happen thanks to my own effort. On the other hand, I've kinda created this whole expectation around graduation myself, by keeping on lying. But that expectation has also been everyone's from the very beginning, of course.

I don't know what to say any more. I think I'm not even honest with myself. Sometimes it seems like I am two persons. Living a double life. I've been lying to my family thinking I could manage this at some point, but here I am again one week before my exam, and still haven't done basically anything. Still lying about it. In the past, on multiple occasions I even faked taking this exam just to be able to say "I didn't pass it" to everyone else. Took my car, went to university, only to go to the library to think about the piece of garbage I am. This time I took one month of vacation from work just to prepare for this exam, and have spent nearly all of it closed in my room pretending to be studying. Instead I'm procrastinating all day on worthless comment sections on the Internet. I don't feel guilt at all, only hopelessness. In the past I used to be suicidal, also for seemingly unrelated (existential) reasons. Now I don't feel anything. I don't care about anything. It's just existing without ambitions or purpose. The only things I look forward to are eating, sleeping and waiting for the day to end while reading/watching stuff on the net.

Now that I've put all of this into words, all of it seems rather childish. Why can't I behave like an adult? Why can't I take responsibility? I'm almost 28, time is running out. It seems all an excuse for avoiding pain. It's me who is not putting effort in fixing my own problems.

I'm tired of myself basically. This whole thing has become inexcusable. Maybe I've become completely evil and deceptive. It's kinda surreal that I've come to be so deceptive while lacking remorse. Part of me would like to sweep everything under the rug, without having to deal with others' reaction. Without long-term regret.

Sorry if some sentences don't make any sense. It's a stream of thoughts, sort of. Also English is not my tongue.

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