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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (January 2024)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
I found out last week that my wife was having an affair. It was an emotional affair with a high school friend, who is also married with children. It didn't go super far, and there was no physical element despite him living locally and hinting towards it, but it was well outside the bounds of harmless flirting and within affair territory. The first thing I did was sent the evidence (text messages) to myself and looked up the process for divorce, but the thought of continuing with life without her made me feel really sad. So I confronted her about it to see if she would try to justify it, or if she would be willing to take responsibility. She did take responsibility. In the interest of this not becoming a rambling mess, I really do believe that she didn't really understand what was going on, or knew that emotional affairs were a thing. She was emotionally vulnerable, and he was taking advantage. It wasn't initiated by her, and she maintained the boundaries that she thought an affair entailed, which was the physical aspect. This was my interpretation after reading and collecting all of the texts. It wasn't until I read back certain texts to her that it really sunk in that I would be hurt by them, and that it really did betray our relationship.
We've decided to try and work things out. We have a roadmap of how we're going to address this, both now and for the future. She's actually talking with her therapist right now. I've been mostly processing this on my own, and we've had time-bound discussions together. I've read various resources addressing this, and I seem to be on the right track. Marriage counseling isn't off the table, but I've heard that it can potentially do more harm than good unless you get a therapist that actually specializes and is competent in spousal post-betrayal therapy.
I'm not a very emotional person. That is perhaps a factor as to why this happened, although we both recognize that it isn't an excuse. But right now, it's an asset in being able to remain level-headed in addressing this. It's still difficult, though. I have to balance my own emotions (betrayal, loss of trust) against her emotions (loss of the deep emotional connection she had with her affair partner) and what we can do to strengthen our marriage. It's exhausting, but necessary.
I’m frustrated/angry/overwhelmed/bewildered with the false narrative of living in a “post-COVID-19 pandemic” world. Respected news agencies like AP, NPR and others parrot this disinformation in headlines and stories referring to the current pandemic in past-tense. Which then drives the general public to not take precautions, leading to further disease and death. I have written multiple times to various agencies, editors desks asking about their use of this language without a reply.
This leaves me feeling very alone and massively perturbed because everyone I know and everywhere I look has taken this messaging to heart and live like everything is fine. I have (and had) family members/acquaintances believe that it was over when the health emergency was declared over in May and have died or had disease progression due to inflammation (and whatever else) caused by being infected since. Not to mention those I know (vaccinated and not) that have been infected multiple times and now have respiratory problems, mental function issues, etc.
I’ve become a pariah now due to poor public health messaging.
I feel like the messaging isn't there to maximize human health, but to "strike a balance" (ie, skew towards) with economic losses.
It was frustrating to hear from the nurse giving us covid vaccine booster that a third of the old folks in a nearby home have got it, and that not very many people among the general public came back for the booster, and they the govt stopped sending out 6 month reminders.
If it is having a strong impact on your mental health, though, then perhaps you and I need to "mask up" and "socially isolate": we can't change the wider society, so do a little, and then find peace outside of unmoving circumstances.
It sucks though, I hear you.
I’m all in on there being a push to normalcy because of economics. I sometimes feel like the canary in the coal mine no one listens to about the effects of late stage capitalism.
I’ve never been very social or outgoing but I have been extremely physically/socially isolated for four years now. While there have been so many perks the big downside is that everywhere is now dangerous. At least when people “sorta” masked and it was required in medical settings I felt like well, at least I can go to doctor appointments without much worry. And that’s gone now.
It does suck.
I hear you, and you're not alone. I actually studied public health and it appalls me that a decision has been made (by whom?) to collectively accept the avoidable mortality and morbidity from COVID-19. Even the health care facilities and hospitals I work with aren't bothering with COVID precautions much anymore. There are still token procedure mask boxes at the door, but the warnings are now "if you feel sick, wear this" instead of "don't enter, seek medical attention".
There were so many health policy errors early on, and "live with it" is essentially making the claim we're unable to do better. I understand the majority of people who decided it's more important to have normal lives than to safeguard themselves and others. But this ongoing, business-encouraged denial ignores the fact that every infection is a chance for COVID-19 to keep mutating, potentially into something still more dangerous. It infuriates me that the U.S. allowed the free vaccination program to expire, that vaccine fear is still being amplified, and continuing treatment research has fallen by the wayside even though Paxlovid isn't as effective as it should be to say "there's a cure".
It sounds like you've done everything within your capacity to raise the alarm. Now it's time to act on the root causes of the denial - a political and economic system that prioritizes money over life and health, and compliance over competence.
Thanks, knowing two people in this thread commiserate helps a bit. My community and acquaintances are very much, “COVID is still a thing?”
It just boggles my mind how this has all played out in some respects. Health care settings not following infectious disease protocols is a big one. Just mandating masks in clinic/hospital helps everyone and hurts…no one. This just seems common sense?
What little information is collected these days just seems to fall on deaf ears and/or many aren’t interested. I was surprised (but not really) how few people I knew had no idea wastewater was being monitored.
I’m not sure how to act upon the global political and economic systems. Collapse seems inevitable. Things are weird out there, in general.
As I read recently, “Welcome To the Permaweird” https://i-d.vice.com/en/article/v7bjgy/welcome-to-the-permaweird
Thanks for that link - I went back to the source, and Ventakesh Rao said something I think is quite wise about our present situation:
I really wish the policy of treating before going to a gathering had stuck around. I've gotten COVID twice in the last 30 days because of parties; I didn't even attend the second one.
I hear you! From 2020-2023 I really tried to be mindful of contagion. Absolutely killed my social life and wrought a lot of damage on my relationship, since my SO is a lot more social and outgoing than me.
I have some friends who take precautions very seriously, but they work in person jobs so it's difficult to hang out with then on that basis -- even when I "go out" a lot, I'm exposed to fewer people than they see every day.
Personally I've just given up on it in the last year. I get boosted whenever I can, I avoid big indoor crowds when I can, but I guess my half-life of social isolation just wasn't worth it. I go out a lot more now and honestly I am feeling much more mentally well. It'll suck if I develop issues from long covid, but if it comes down to that or never seeing my friends and family, perhaps I choose long covid? Sucks but life is full of compromises. I wish I had a better answer.
I think I may have S.A.D., aside from my normal depression. I'm feeling alright today (aside from being properly sick, but that's another story), but I have this constant feeling of wanting to isolate from my friends and family. Feeling irritated when any of them bother me and wanting them to just leave me be to whatever I was doing; even getting texts from my friends and hearing my phone vibrate is tending to annoy me to the point that I flip it over to DND.
I really just want to be left alone, which isn't great.
Have you considered buying a light therapy lamp/box, and giving light therapy a try? You can get decent ones for ~$60 or so. As someone from a northern country who also experiences SAD, I've been doing light therapy daily in winter time for several years now, and I find that it has helped reduce my SAD symptoms a great deal.
p.s. I have three different Verliux HappyLights now, and highly recommend them. I keep one bedside, one in my DIY sauna, and one near my computer.
At this point, I'm not entirely sure if that's what I have. I've never been properly diagnosed for that or anything outside of depression and anxiety themselves.
You don't need a formal SAD diagnosis or a prescription to buy a light therapy box to give light therapy a try... it's something you do at home anyways. So it could still be worth you giving it a try even without a formal diagnosis for SAD.
This is true, but I'm just trying to emphasize that I might be talking out of my ass and just being a whiny bitch about my mental health.
Hah. Understood. But I wouldn't call that being a whiny bitch. Mental health is important, and SAD is a real thing. So even if you only suspect it might have something to do with you being more down than usual this time of year, I would definitely recommend considering giving light therapy a try. It takes a bit of money to buy a lamp, and a commitment to doing it consistently, but it's worked wonders for me, and so is probably worth a shot for you too, IMO. :)
I guess I just have an aversion to self-diagnoses, so I worry that I might be overblowing my issue a little bit. I mean, I certainly feel like shit and it's fairly consistent with my depression, but the symptoms are definitely a little different from my normal depression, so I was just attributing it to SAD. And I don't want to downplay mental health, after all, I am posting in this thread and I've had plenty of therapy and drugs for my mental health.
That said, I'll probably suggest one of them to my wife. We were just talking about our mental health last night and she's experiencing very similar to what I currently am, though her symptoms are somewhat different from my own, but she may benefit from it as well.
Yeah, that's totally understandable. Self-diagnosis is definitely problematic at times, and I'm generally wary of it too. AFAIK, light therapy has very few negatives though, and is growing increasingly common in treatment of "normal" depression too. The only downside I've heard of was that it was once thought it could potentially trigger manic episodes in people with bipolar, but that's largely been disproven, and so is now even showing promise in treatment of bipolar as well. In any case, no matter what you decide, I wish you and your wife well. :)
Are you able to take walks outdoors? If you live in a place with sunlight in the winter, apparently just fifteen minutes of sunlight on skin a day is enough to help replenish vitamin D levels, which helps with SAD.
It sucks when I'm in the headspace where texts from loved ones feels irritating. I feel guilty because it's them showing they care and I feel like it's wrong to be upset about such a thing, when then ends up making me feel even worse. A negative cycle. When I'm in those moods, I try to find gratitude that my friends/family care and then try to focus on myself and find out why I'm finding their outreach irritating.
I need to, but it's been challenging. I live in a place with a lot of sun, but haven't been able to get out much lately because it's been cold and I've been sick twice in the last two weeks, which has been utterly miserable. But being sick has made me unnaturally cold, so it's made me even less likely to go outside.
So there's a nasty consequence when your body is fighting or recovering from infections, especially viral ones. Some of the immunochemicals your body makes to fight disease cause neuroinflammation and the suite of "sickness behaviors" that includes depression and social withdrawal.
Getting sick repeatedly in such a short period of time is usually a sign of inadequate recovery, secondary infection, or other underlying health problems. It sounds like you might need to rest, take kind care of yourself, and see a doctor if you've been feeling ill for so long.
That's interesting to know, thanks.
It's been a gauntlet of sickness since my kids started school, just one sickness after another and it's difficult to take care of myself when I'm also on the hook to take care of sick kids. Thankfully this one is almost over, but I will undoubtedly will wake-up with another sore throat in the middle of the night tonight, which doesn't help either. The uninterrupted sleep is just as much of a killer for me.
It's very common for fatigue, irritability, insomnia, and depression to persist for weeks after infection symptoms have passed, usually in proportion to how long or severely you've been sick.
I don't know if you've got family or other helpers who can provide you and your wife with enough child care assistance for respite, but it sounds like you could certainly use a day or two for nothing but recovery.
I read in the local newspaper that this is not necessarily true if you are far enough from the equator. When the sun is slightly above the horizon, the light goes through such a thick layer of atmosphere that the part of the spectrum you need gets filtered out. Where I live, it is always like that during the winter, there are "long shadows" even at noon.
What helps, is knowing after December 21st, the days will start to get longer. If I can make through that day, then winter seems less daunting. Another thing i would consider is maybe take a blood test if you can afford to. I went to the doctor in August, and found out I was vitamin D deficient despite working outdoors. In the winter, I upped my daily vitamin D intake.
That said, I often said that winter is my hibernation months. I tend to try to be more forgiving to myself these months and do my best to give myself space while balance out my work and social life.
Self-forgiveness is something I certainly struggle with. I can forgive anyone else all day long, but I like to be excessively hard on myself for the most minor and irrelevant of reasons.
I have not been officially diagnosed with SAD - I just suspect it because winters are hard for me and my mood drops consistently and significantly during every winter (I live in a country where winters are long and dark - twilight at 4 pm and weeks without seeing the sun, just darkness or gray sky). Two things not yet mentioned here seem to help:
L-Tryptophan supplementation - this made a big difference but obviously, you need to look at the info and make sure it is for you - I started taking it because it also fits other symptoms I have (like extreme irritability, that you also describe). Consult with your doctor.
spending time in "sunny memories" - I have a blog and now I write a lot about my backpacking in Spain. I am not even sure I will publish all of it but somehow writing about it, getting back to those memories, looking at all those pictures full of the sun... it makes me feel as if I am there and it helps.
And I am trying to switch my career to something I could do fully remotely so I could move to Spain - I did spend a large part of one winter there and my mood was significantly better.
ADHD medication shortages suck. Expectation seems to be the supply won't fully recover until March or April. It will get better in a few days once I'm past the rebound, but in the mean time, can't even bring myself to be motivated by reading or playing video games, just spending most of the time the last couple of days either laying in bed brooding and having anxiety or eating junk for the dopamine hit. Ugh.
I hope so! I'm having the same problems with motivation - even with things I really want to do.
My problem is even when orders are possible, my pharmacy (and others in my area) constantly hit monthly limits where they just say "that's all we can order this month."
After, they can't even place the order until the 1st of the month, so we're left waiting 1/2 weeks on top of that. Rinse, repeat.
Apparently this has something to do with limits that went into effect in July 2023 as part of an agreement with distributors in 2021.
The intent is to curb over-prescriptions, but this just causes more headaches for people with legitimate prescriptions.
Target the problem source (prescriptions) vs further along the chain (prescription-fillers).
It's definitely affected my mental health, physical health (working towards getting healthy), and job performance.
Hope everyone has better luck and is able to get theirs! 🙂
That stinks. I hope the supplt recovers soon.
I know some people hoard (portions of) their supply out of necessity, like not take any on weekends etc, but with an extended outage even that strategy becomes inadequate
Yeah, I've been saving some, but I'm most of the way through the hoard and starting to ration so that I know I have it available for when it's really necessary.
Would also be nice if I could get a straight answer from the pharmacy. Went in last week while picking up something else and asked what the situation was with getting it filled, or if the name brand was available (was totally willing to pay the absurd extra cost at that point). "Oh, it's in process, we'll have it ready for pickup in two hours!" I am excited, come back later, and another pharmacist tells me "Oh, that's out of stock and back-ordered, nationwide, in all dosages, and has been for a few days. We don't know if and when we'll even get more." Like, wtf.
Oh come on! That super sucks!
I always anxiously wonder if they're silently passing judgement and listing me as drug seeking :(
I'm sorry to hear you're suffering. Has your doctor offered any other options? I've even heard of compounding pharmacies making slow-release amphetamine formulations for ADHD patients, independent of the generic drug availability.
I am seeing my doctor literally tomorrow so I was going to discuss it. I prefer Vyvanse, but I have taken Adderall in both regular and extended release versions, so I'm willing to do either of those over nothing. I had not heard about compounding pharmacies being an option though, I will need to look in to that...
Can someone explain the shortage, this is the first I'm hearing of it.
Supply chain issue combined with government regulations. DEA places strict limits on the amount of the core chemicals necessary to make amphetamines (under the auspices of preventing over-prescribing and abuse), then companies get allocations depending on how much they're going to make. Last year, there was a big Adderall shortage when some of the generic distributors were falling behind on production. This year, it's Vyvanse - it just came off patent about 4 months ago and became available as a generic; the name brand manufacturer significantly ramped down production in anticipation, but the generic manufacturers didn't get production ramped up to their full allocations, resulting in a general systemic shortfall.
Apparently for the coming year, they're revising how the allocation system works - currently the planning is revised yearly with very little oversight beyond the high level allocation; it's getting changed to a three month cycle with regular mandatory reporting of where the companies are in meeting their quota and the option for the government to reallocate quota if a company is running behind.
Suddenly developed sleep anxiety for no goddamn reason whatsoever. Have spent four days sleeping about 2 hours a day, usually 8 AM to 10 AM. When I feel I'm about to fall asleep, I get excited and wake myself up again.
So not doing great, tbh.
I get this sometimes and what helps are earplugs. I get anxious some sound or thing is going to annoy me and not let me fall asleep and it ends-up becoming a self-perpetuating cycle. Sticking in earplugs usually resolves the issue and I fall asleep very quickly after using them.
Do you find that it interferes with your alarm clock, or is it not a problem?
It might take me a little longer to wake-up when the alarm goes off, but I can still hear it pretty much no problem through my plugs and wake without issue. Also blocks out the random little cries my kids do at night, but if they're really crying or getting up and out of bed, I can still hear them and get up to do whatever needs to be done.
I recommend Silicone Earplugs, especially the Macks brand. Foam ones are fine, but I find they tend to make the interior of my ears sweat and are uncomfortable pretty much from the time you put them in until you take them out. The Silicone ones are much better; I do still tend to take them out if I wake-up in the middle of the night, because while they're comfortable, wearing earplugs isn't a flawless experience. But by that time, I usually fall right back asleep no problem.
Oh I didn't know silicone ones existed. Thanks
Does it feel like a moment of panic, an abrupt feeling of falling, or does it seem like you have a sudden, overwhelming impulse to move parts of your body?
One of two things will happen. Either I suddenly need to scratch somewhere or move something that just suddenly became uncomfortable, or I do start falling asleep, think to myself "hey, I'm falling asleep", and then immediately stop falling asleep.
Unless you've got something in your life you're suddenly more anxious about in general, it's probably worth talking to a doctor, maybe looking at the potential for movement disorders that interrupt sleep, like restless legs. Spouse had this problem for a while after heart surgery (and goodness knows he had reason to fear falling asleep, but it was really leftover anemia and medications).
Increasing dietary iron and magnesium, or trying supplements plus minimizing caffeine/nicotine use, are all low-risk and might make a difference.
If it goes on for longer, I'll have to. Don't drink coffee or smoke, and have had no health or stress problems recently. It just... started happening. I'll buy a sleep mask and ear plugs, and try to keep to a consistent sleep schedule. Really hoping it goes away.
So it's time I got to grips with my brand new post-lockdowns anxiety disorder.
I'm increasingly terrified of driving. I've tried the "get back on the horse" desensitization strategy, just gritting my teeth to get through it every day. I'm literally white-knuckling when I drive, breaking into heart palpitations and sweats over all the tiny near-crashes that don't seem to bother other drivers at all. I'm beset by visions of horrific accidents, and my imagination is way too vivid.
It's interfering with work and personal life. Coworkers are quietly annoyed when I ask them to do the all the driving in new places. My spouse is getting irritable at my side-seat driving. I flinch visibly at his lane changes, following distance, wide turns, and rolling stops, when other vehicles seem a little too close, or sudden bumps.
It's not an entirely irrational fear, given how aggressively most people drive, how little margin for error exists with giant SUVs, and the number of accidents I see daily, which just makes things worse.
I'll listen to advice from others here, but note that anti-anxiety meds are largely out of the question due to an essential arthritis medication that interacts with just about everything.
There’s a book called “Mind over Mood” which has a section on anxiety. I’ve experienced similar symptoms post lockdown and found it helpful. I also found that daily exercise keeps some of the worst anxiety symptoms in check.
Thank you so much - this video was one of the first things I found on the Mind Over Mood website, and it's hugely helpful in recontextualizing my specific issue.
I've been down the CBT route for depression, and do the exercise, meditation, and a few other things regularly. Having such a strong, constant anxiety response is new to me, the usual tools for depression weren't helping, and my tendency to catastrophize obviously needs some work.
I've dealt with anxiety a lot. One book that I found really helpful during the years when I was really struggling with chronic anxiety was The Mindful Way Through Anxiety.
I have the same issue, not with driving, but other scenarios. I try to acknowledge that I am catastrophizing, and then repeat to myself "thoughts can't hurt me, thoughts can't predict the future, I am safe in the present moment."
Would it make things better or worse to sit in your spouse's car blindfolded with earplugs/headphones? Some sensory thing for your hands to count as you repeat a prayer/mantra in order to de-focus from the outside world?
And for coworkers, maybe bring cookies or small snacks to thank them for the unequal balance.
I like that I no longer have to drive/be driven 3-4 hours a day to and from work. It makes me feel much safer, in addition to environmental and time benefits. But for folks who have to take that risk daily, your symptoms seem to be above the normal or the threshold at which life doesn't get impacted.
Just... no to the blinders/headphones. That suggestion just brought on the creepies, and I think the loss of control is part of the issue. I've had to talk down a panic-stricken first-time flier in the airplane seat next to me, and I suspect something similar is at root. I can't control the other drivers and physical interactions with the world, so part of my head is sitting there freaking out.
Unsure the extent of your anxiety but is it any better driving for you on side streets, in neighborhoods, etc.? Places where the speed limits aren’t very high and not a lot of traffic. If it is better in these conditions maybe these type of trips would help?
I would agree it’s not an irrational fear. I don’t believe we are really wired to travel at high rates of speed. I have also heard that traffic accidents, aggressive driving, road rage are much more prevalent these days so one should be careful and probably more careful than they were 4 years ago.
I can manage slow speeds, mostly. But parked car doors and pedestrians make me nervous; anything where I have to make decisions like those at a 4-way stop, left turns, and so forth just crank me right up.
I know you stated that you can’t take anti-anxiety medication but are you able to take a beta blocker instead?
Pretty much anything metabolized through the liver is verboten with leflunomide, but thanks for thinking of it, and I should probably talk to a doctor.
Was there an initiating event? Was this triggered by an accident or near-miss?
Nothing in particular, just coming back to driving in busy environments after the pandemic's nearly empty streets. Possibly the 4-hour highway drive bringing my spouse back from heart surgery downstate, after a few days of nail-biting fear over his condition? I was hyperaware of driving, carefully avoiding anything that might jostle him and cause pain, so maybe some of that got stuck.
That's a very interesting theory. I was going to suggest that this sounds like PTSD. I am not a mental health professional, but I have experience with (C)PTSD in people close to me.
I'm exhausted. I have no desire or intention to self harm, but I also can't imagine another 5 years of living like this. Nothing brings me joy anymore, not even momentary respite. I can't watch movies, play games, or do any fun activity let alone something that takes more effort. Things either pass right through me like I hadn't actually been there or I get so frustrated from the numbness that I give up. I started seeing my symptoms of depression around puberty, and the older I get the worse it's gotten. I've tried so many medications and approaches. Nothing has worked save maybe stimulants, but even stimulants only help for maybe 3-4 hours a day, giving me just enough willpower to get the important things done. The rest of the day is spent with the same emptiness I usually feel but with an added layer of haziness due to coming down from the stimulant.
I think I'm going to try ketamine therapy. I can't afford it, but I genuinely feel like my options are becoming slimmer. I can't afford to live like this for decades to come, it's nearly maddening sometimes. There's a clinic in my town, I'm calling them start taking the first steps tomorrow.
I don't know how many types of stimulants you've tried (and I'm assuming they gave you ADHD meds) but differently timed releases might be helpful if you have not considered those. The 3-4 hours thing sounds very different than my experience with ADHD meds.
You got me thinking about trying timed release stimulants so I did! Vyvanse and Adderall XR. Vyvanse was perfect and my preferred medication, but it seems to be backordered everywhere I look so I had to switch to Adderall XR this month. It's fine, but I prefer Vyvanse.
Regardless, my quality of life has improved a lot. ADHD has been debilitating for me, and I hate that I lost so many years from trying to muscle through it without medication. I don't want to be on stimulants the rest of me life, but I'd rather take a daily stimulant than live the way I was.
Anyways, your comment didn't go unnoticed :) I'm feeling some better.
Hey, that's awesome to hear! It's frustrating that your doctor had never recommended those, though. Either way, I'm glad you're feel better.
I took stimulants when I was younger; I stopped over a decade ago now because of how they made me feel.
Getting better. Had my last drink ever... 6 days ago now? So I'm feeling a bit better for sure.
Still have to tackle THC, but that one is going to take a lot longer. And honestly I'm mostly happier on it, so I'm a lot less concerned than I was with the alcohol.
Edit: full sober for a few weeks now. I can tell it's going to be a longer process than I was hoping for, but I get a little better every day (on average. Still have some shitty fucking days where all I want is the escape again).
People often think that fighting against mental health issues is mostly fighting the darkness, but I've often found that fighting the things that made me temporarily happy or relieved a whole lot harder.
To be fair, I'm only seeking the temporary relief because of the darkness.
Anhedonia is one of my worst depressive symptoms, when I'm in a bad place. Drugs make things fun again for a little while. I'm aware it's unhealthy, it's just at the time I don't care - I just don't want to feel the way I do.
And honestly it probably kept me alive over the last 18mo or so, which have been incredibly difficult. My life is finally getting better, but I still have some demons to exorcise is all.
Going through dental issues in combination with some pretty bad dental anxiety. I'm feeling very alone right now.
Dental anxiety is hard to talk about. Lots of people dislike going to the dentist, and when I bring up my issues, they might assume they have firsthand experience of what I'm going through. And I appreciate their attempts to empathize! But I suspect their experiences are along the lines of "Ugh, root canal, this will be painful," as opposed to "This proves that my teeth will crumble and fall out at an early age, and they will mark me with a scarlet D, for dental problems." (I'm exaggerating my fears, but not by much.)
I long for emotional support. I just want a hug and someone to chat with, but that's been hard to come by — whether because I'm unintentionally pushing people away, or because my loved ones are emotionally unavailable, or some combination of the two. At least the "someone to chat with" component has a direct solution: see a therapist. But (and this affects multiple areas in my life), I can't muster up the will to take action: the inertia of not-doing is too great.
Here's a virtual hug and warm wishes that your internal negative voice will take a cozy nap and let you have some peace. You're not alone - about 3% of the adult population is so afraid of dentistry that they won't go even in pain.
Like you, I've got a pretty serious dentist phobia, which for me is really a narrowly constructed version of PTSD with side helpings of the self-denigrating internal talk and catastrophizing you've mentioned.
I was very fortunate to find a professor at a university dental school who had a research specialty in phobic patients. For me, it's worth a long drive to see him. I don't know if you might have someone like that available to you, but it's worth investigating.
Until you can talk with a therapist, know that you're supported and cared about.
Edit: I just wanted to mention that sedation dentistry is increasingly available. It's a good option for anyone who wouldn't go otherwise, or suffers undue trauma from the experience. I found out the very hard way that I'm one of the people who are resistant to/fast metabolizers of local anesthetics (which dentists are just learning is a real and relatively common thing, and why I sought out a research center). Oral sedation lets me get the necessary done.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I wish I wasn't in that 3%, but it's helpful to know it's not just me.
Interesting to hear about your research center experience. It's funny how varied people can be in their biology, and I hope that becomes more and more common knowledge among doctors in general.
I think I can actually relate a little bit. I got a couple of dental fillings done when I was a teenager and I have always been a bit ashamed by it. Always on my mind as a teen was something along the lines of “I am just a teenager, I am supposed to be in the prime of my life and yet here I am covering up the results of my poor brushing and flossing habits”. Nowadays, I just have a general anxiety of my dentist finding more cavities to fill. Throughout the year, I only think about it on an infrequent basis, maybe once every other month? But as I get closer to a dental appointment, I’ll think about it more and more. Then during the actual appointment, I can keep calm until the dental assistant finishes cleaning up my teeth but when the actual dentist comes in, it’s over. My mind then goes wild trying to think of various things the dentist will point out as major problems. My heart rate shoots up and I only calm down again once I leave. This is something I’ve noticed over the years but I think I’ve always just ignored it as a general anxiety. I never realized dental anxiety was an actual thing until this post.
That overlaps with my experience a bit. My dental hygiene was actually pretty good when I was a kid, but there was always the fear of having cavities, because if one was found, it would prove I had dropped the ball somehow and had been irresponsible with my teeth.
(Another component of this is fear of being irresponsible in selecting a dentist. I'm aware that some dentists are more drill-happy than others, and at the extremes that can be worse in the long-term for one's teeth.)
It sounds like you've progressed a lot in your personal life. It's good that you are allowing yourself to feel tired and listening to your body. That's something I want to work on for myself.
Has anyone ever used one of those online based therapy services before? What was your experience? More importantly did your insurance work with it? ( I am from the US, if that last question didn't make it clear lol )
A friend used betterhelp and only found out after amassing a decent bill that it wasn't covered by insurance, so maybe stay away from them. (This is in Canada, but a quick google suggests is the same in the US.)
I took the approach of looking up local therapists on Psychology Today that offered virtual sessions. It was really daunting at first because i had no idea what i was looking for, but it worked well for me in the end.
I used helloalma.com to help me find my therapist that I really liked that was within my insurance network and we do video chat only. Not quite one of those online based ones from what I heard, and it still comes with having to search a bit for a specific therapist, but it worked a couple of times for me in different states (since I had to move a couple of times recently)
I have. The specific therapist I got was so bad at therapy I quit after a few days. I've had mostly mediocre experiences with therapists generally though, so I might be the problem.
They do accept some insurance. You enter that information before you get to the point of talking to a therapist, so it should be possible to go through the signup flow up to that point and see what happens.
Having massive anxiety attacks right now, which partly result in me becoming really irritable to everything and everyone around me. Trying to make sure I don't snap but we have a return to office mandated 3 days a week that started today. I live two hours from my job (short drive, train, then walk - or drive 2.5 hours in rush hour traffic). In terms of parking fees and time I will be losing close to 2000 dollars and close to 600 hours (almost one month worth of time) to get to a job that already shafted on raises last year as they went up 2% and inflation went up 7%. So all in all this will cost me close to 10k and 600 hours.
I've got a second job coaching a sport to make ends meet (that I also love, and am trying to get into full time, but which is exceptionally hard to get into full time) that also takes up to 40 hours a week, sometimes 35, sometimes 60, depending on where our matches are and if it's a tournament or not.
My dog has a liver issue which means that even staying alone for 8 hours without going out is a force for him, and generally his meds cost a ton, as do his regular scans (spent about 8k on him just the last 18 months alone)
I'm applying to other jobs that are either closer or are remote, but they're not easy to find where I live - I live where I do because the city costs 4k a month for a one bedroom and that's just frankly absurd for a little box.
But I'm really stressed out and I'm not sure how I'm going to be a human while doing this without wanting to burn the entire place down.
If I quit either job I can't afford shit either so that's not an option. and id like to be able to propose to my girlfriend sometime soon but that's not exactly possible if I can't save fuck all
So yup that's where I'm at
Not as bad as some of the other mentions but it's really starting to get to me I guess
I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this position and I can, to a lesser degree, commiserate being asked to return to office when living really far away. If you're in the mood to commiserate [ but I understand if you find it stressful to think about, so please don't feel compelled to read :) ]... I'm about 2.5 h from the office, and am supposed to go in 1, sometimes 2, days a week. I'm at least very lucky in that my manager is extremely supportive of teammembers' individual situations, and no one's been reprimanded for not going in, but even with that support I find myself frequently stressed about the situation simply because I'm not towing company line and acknowledge there may eventually be consequences.
I have no desire to ever move back to the city where my current job is, even though that's the strongest local market for my current field. I live where I do in large part to be closer to family, but also to access more livable, affordable housing. My raises over the pandemic in no way matched official inflation (which ignores house/rent anyway), and the housing market near my work went from bad to worse during that time. I know of many people in my department living nearer work who had to (and were lucky enough to be able to) move in with family to keep living affordably; one person was a week away from homelessness, their struggle to find an apartment was so difficult!
It frustrates me to no end how obtuse businesses can be in requiring people who were wfh to start commuting again, to live 'close' to work, while ignoring the realities of their their workers and locales. I can't decide if I think it's more stupid or more cruel.
Given some of the perks this job offers, I'm really hoping to keep it for 3-4 more years and have been exploring cheaper backup plans if I need to split some time in that city, but right now I'm doing my best accept that things are what they are, and not let my stress and anxiety take over. It's not easy.
I hope you're able to find yourself a job that better fits your life. If you haven't already, I might suggest reading up on the signs of burn-out (if you haven't not already), so you can try and notice signs before it's too late. I realize that sounds a little pie-in-the-sky, since you're in a hard situation that isn't easy to fix right now, but in my experience, degrees of burn-out can creep in insidiously.
New Year, somehow kept my job despite major layoffs, but now there's a bit of a spotlight situation on our team that I feel like I need to up my game to be worthy of keeping a job that I'm somewhat benevolent too, mostly because it pays a bit more than anything else I had and I don't know how transferable the skills are.
Learned that a Grandfather that I never knew wasn't naturalized until my mom was born, meaning she, then myself and my siblings can apply for Italian citizenship. My brother is enthusiastic because could see a bunch of scientific conferences in Europe and was thinking about studying abroad anyway. I'm not as much about it, but I guess it's nice to have in my back pocket. At the very least, cross Europe rail is more sophisticated than in the states, and if I ever wanted to get that digital nomad life I have heard so much about, that's an option. Least rail riding is more sophisticated over there than it is stateside.
Health things are looking pretty good, a couple little things are bugging me but I'm trying my best not to freak myself out over them. Made it a goal to sweep up while I was off work and the hours are slowly ticking away on that. So maybe today will be the day on that.
I feel extremely frustrated with therapy. I got diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder several years ago, but every therapist seems to overlook the diagnosis. I understand why they don't want to pathologist a patient, but at the same time, maybe is worth investigating why some people find underwhelming to just get out of the house.
Why can't the professionals up their game and communicate if they aren't a good match? Why is it left to the individual seeking help to make a professional assessment if the therapist is a good fit?
I'm writing this because I'm at a point in life where I'm completely stuck. My two previous therapists always emphasized thinking about the life I want but imagining myself achieving anything seems impossible, especially when some days feel impossible. But at this point, I don't know what else is there to do.
Personality disorders are a bit tricky since AFAIK, in contrast to an analogous non-personality disorder (say OCD vs obsessive-compulsive personality disorder), an exclusionary criteria is often the willingness to change. So it may be understandable if they'd be hesitant about the diagnosis with a patient that's actively trying to fix the problem. I'm not a mental health professional, but perhaps it may be useful to ask the therapist what their candid thoughts are about the diagnosis and if they're thinking there may be a more appropriate one for your situation.
I've been "trying" to graduate for the past... how many years? It's been so long I've lost count. Or better, I don't want to be reminded of the actual number. Meanwhile, I've started working full-time. This at least has made me feel less like garbage. But my family is still pressuring me to pass this last exam. I can't blame them, everyone would think it's a big shame if somebody dropped out of university with just one exam left. I totally agree. But at the same time, it's become unbearable for me to continue attempting to fix this situation. Actually, it's not like I've really attempted. I reached a point where even the thought of having to study triggers a sense of repulsion. I feel anxious, inadequate. Honestly speaking, I've never been that great at understanding theoretical concepts. But I know that if I give up, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will think at all those wasted years. I will have to accept being in the "lower league", so to speak. At least career-wise.
Maybe the problem is exactly this: I (my family?) can't accept my failure. I don't want to pay for those tutoring organizations which help you pass specific exams. It feels like cheating. If I'm going to graduate, I want it to happen thanks to my own effort. On the other hand, I've kinda created this whole expectation around graduation myself, by keeping on lying. But that expectation has also been everyone's from the very beginning, of course.
I don't know what to say any more. I think I'm not even honest with myself. Sometimes it seems like I am two persons. Living a double life. I've been lying to my family thinking I could manage this at some point, but here I am again one week before my exam, and still haven't done basically anything. Still lying about it. In the past, on multiple occasions I even faked taking this exam just to be able to say "I didn't pass it" to everyone else. Took my car, went to university, only to go to the library to think about the piece of garbage I am. This time I took one month of vacation from work just to prepare for this exam, and have spent nearly all of it closed in my room pretending to be studying. Instead I'm procrastinating all day on worthless comment sections on the Internet. I don't feel guilt at all, only hopelessness. In the past I used to be suicidal, also for seemingly unrelated (existential) reasons. Now I don't feel anything. I don't care about anything. It's just existing without ambitions or purpose. The only things I look forward to are eating, sleeping and waiting for the day to end while reading/watching stuff on the net.
Now that I've put all of this into words, all of it seems rather childish. Why can't I behave like an adult? Why can't I take responsibility? I'm almost 28, time is running out. It seems all an excuse for avoiding pain. It's me who is not putting effort in fixing my own problems.
I'm tired of myself basically. This whole thing has become inexcusable. Maybe I've become completely evil and deceptive. It's kinda surreal that I've come to be so deceptive while lacking remorse. Part of me would like to sweep everything under the rug, without having to deal with others' reaction. Without long-term regret.
Sorry if some sentences don't make any sense. It's a stream of thoughts, sort of. Also English is not my tongue.
Hey friend, I finished my studies quite recently and also had (more minor) problems with this extreme self punishing procrastination. You know, you passed aĺl the other exams before so you definitely aren’t unable to do it right? I get that now it has built up into a huge thing it’s hard, but in the end you just spend some time dŕilling, learning and its done forever. But I understand that its hard to just consider it to not be a big thing now. I have some things that I should do that I’ve been putting off for years and its now extremely hard to do them, just because how long I spent anxiously thinking about them.
I believe in you, please at least give it a try!
Thanks for the kind words. Really appreciate. I'm glad you managed to complete your studies! That must've felt awesome. Wish you the best :)
December was terrible, I lost my dad December 2022 to colon cancer after a 16 year battle to which we say cancer cheated when my dad accidentally broke his back somehow. Had to be taken off his treatments because of it and it essentially killed him.
This always made me mad, like he would still be around if it weren't for that, but my wife is amazing and told me I've been really grumpy for the past few months, and it was because I'm angry at that whole situation. I was taking it out on everyone else when it wasn't anyone else's fault.
In 2024 I've decided that the anger just isn't worth holding onto, and I've since been really happy the last couple of weeks. Ive started looking into game development on Godot and I'm really trying to find a meaningful use of my time in a field I truly love, video games. Hopefully this continues and I can make something of it someday.
I'm at a significantly better place than I was a year ago. Last January was one of my deepest depressions. I'm so much happier these days. I still find myself looking over my shoulder though. Looking for the depression to come back. Trying to stay more aware so maybe I can catch it early.
My anxiety has ramped up through the holidays. They haven't been overly stressful or anything so I'm not 100% sure why I've been feeling so bad. My SIL said because my body knows it's the stressful time of year. She's probably right. But it's bringing back really strong fears of leaving the house again. This weekend I planned a day for myself at the local amusement park. I'm both excited for it and dreading it at the same time. I used to be able to do this. We'll see.
I'm not sure if this will helpful as it's advicy rather than 'feeling with', but I somehow feel like I should say this.
I've found it useful to really explore anxiety that comes through fear("watch out, this is dangerous!") and anxiety on what is important("careful, this is important!"). I imagine that
You kind of feel both with the amusement park. As the careful-anxiety also kinda peaks at things that are important to look forward too. Make sure you cherish that anxiety in a way, and not treating it like the anxiety that comes through fear. I still have to remind myself of this from time to time, as it sometimes made me treat things with fear-like reactions when I didn't actually feel fear.
Yeah, stress has actual physical reactions. Feeling that is important imo, as it can be an indication of when you need to rest as opposed to keep pressing on. For whatever reason we often treat stress as an enemy when it's often more a symptom. If necessary, wrap yourself in a blanket with a nice cup of tea. :) If you struggle to give yourself kindness, you can try and imagine treating a stressed out child and perform that action on yourself indirectly.
I'm feeling a lot of grief at my old life going away (had a kid late last year). It's been a constant grind and all my hobbies and most of my self-care have fallen by the wayside. On top of that, I've had a friend move away for a job. Now my parental leave is ending, and I'm not looking forward to work stress on top of the stress I was already experiencing. On the plus side, the kid is adorable so I have that going for me.
People keep telling me it gets better. I suppose it has gotten a bit easier since the beginning, but I'm still facing multiple years of complete and utter dependence on us for his every need.
It does get better. Generally the older the easier, as long as you don't end up raising shitheads. I honestly don't understand how people have kids who won't listen to them. I can leave my 6 and 3 year old alone for an hour in their room and the worst thing that'll happen is a mess.
Nobody ever says the other part: it doesn't get all the way better. It sucks in the beginning, but you'll just kind of get used to it, or maybe a better way to phrase it is you grow into it. I had a lot of growing up to do when I had my first kid, and you probably do too. Having a kid should massively reorient your priorities - but knowing that you should doesn't make the shift any easier. It is an obvious, direct cost to you, and it can be hard to see past that sometimes.
I had the same resentment from time to time with my first, and if I'm being honest I do still occasionally daydream about how drastically life would be different without my family. But it's just a daydream, I wouldn't go back.
I'm doing pretty well (as I am typing this). I have a game meetup happening tomorrow I am pretty excited about. I have a ton of school related things I need to get caught up on. I think I'll ultimately be fine but it is going to be a pretty stressful couple weeks. I'm not a very disciplined person and I don't have a very good system for getting things done. That is something I want to get setup within the near distant future. That's all I have to report. Have a good one whoever reads this.
If you don't already, I strongly recommend adding other communities to your regular Internet visits, such as forums, Lemmy, chats/Discords, Mastodon/Bluesky.
Tildes is a place to get away from shitposting when you are tired of it. However it was never meant to replace that entirely, nor to suggest that the Internet as a whole would be better off without shitposting. As you said, this place can feel stuffy if you spend too much time here—like any highly engaged community IMO.
Mental health in particular is of course very personal and individual. Some people want to write a serious vent with serious responses, while other people don't want that at all. That's normal. Please, take breaks from Tildes, seek communities that suit your needs based on your mood and whatever's happening in life.