Disclaimer: I do editing/proofreading professionally (not fiction, sadly, even though I'd love to), so this might seem harsh, but I promise you, it's not meant that way. So first of all, when you...
Disclaimer: I do editing/proofreading professionally (not fiction, sadly, even though I'd love to), so this might seem harsh, but I promise you, it's not meant that way.
So first of all, when you write short fiction, give it a day or so of rest and come back to it again later. This is to catch possible typos and just having the opportunity to polish it a bit. This text has a lot of mistakes in it for such a short piece of prose, which makes it seem like you don't even care if your audience reads a very rough and unfinished piece of writing.
Second, the text itself spend a lot of time building up this dystopian cityscape, but has some inconsistencies (if the gaps between the monoliths are so narrow a drone flying by will obscure all moonlight, what use is a helicopter?? once the street became all bloody, did all the lights suddenly turn off, because that's what the text is implying? etc.) The plot itself, if you can call it plot, is really vague in comparison, and it honestly comes across as needlessly melodramatic. We know nothing of the fanatic or anything else - there is zero reason for us to be invested in what's going on.
Third, I see what you were going for with the language, but you're overdoing it. Ironically, despite most of this text being descriptive, you're doing a lot of tell and not a whole lot of show. Why is the cloud ominous? Why do we know the man is a fanatic? Why is the society without meaning or purpose? This is all super heavy-handed, on the nose kind of writing. You tell the reader how to feel about and see things, instead of letting them come to this decision themselves.
I did like some of the things:
Monoliths rose from the ground like trees once used to, towering high above the city below, illuminating it with a cold neon, glow.
Cars, streaked in red and blue, blocked the barricaded the roads; people, normally absorbed in their own lives, were held back by officers, as they tried to steal a peek of the disturbance.
If we forget the grammar and other mistakes (seriously, proofread your texts, especially if they're this short) and the weird dip into very casual phrasing ('steal a peek'), these bits give the reader a really good window into the moment of the story. They make the scene seem more dynamic and real.
Thank you so much for the help! I wrote this piece as practice for an upcoming English exam (although we get given a random stimulus for the task so I won't get to the write this) so the criticism...
Thank you so much for the help! I wrote this piece as practice for an upcoming English exam (although we get given a random stimulus for the task so I won't get to the write this) so the criticism is really helpful!
I would probably start this with "Night" instead of "Blackness." When I imagine this as a movie trailer with a low gravelly voice narrating, the one syllable is stronger. :) I love the imagery....
I would probably start this with "Night" instead of "Blackness." When I imagine this as a movie trailer with a low gravelly voice narrating, the one syllable is stronger. :)
I love the imagery. It's extremely vivid, and you've paced it well. From the nitpicky side of my editor's soul: watch your sentence lengths an comma usage. You shoul probably vary it up a bit.
This is a great start! Can't wait to see where it goes.
No real criticism. I really liked it. For me, the first two paragraphs did a good job of creating a futuristic noir ambiance. I think you could use a different word than "ocean of blood" though,...
No real criticism. I really liked it. For me, the first two paragraphs did a good job of creating a futuristic noir ambiance. I think you could use a different word than "ocean of blood" though, because it's hard to kneel into an ocean - you'd sink. And I'm a little confused at the end with the glow of "yellow and green and blue". I can get yellow from the lights, and blue from the cop cars, but I'm confused by the green.
Alternately, if you want to emphasize the collective nature of the drones, you could go with "a swarm of drones traversed its way...", particularly if they're all moving in one pack or under one...
Alternately, if you want to emphasize the collective nature of the drones, you could go with "a swarm of drones traversed its way...", particularly if they're all moving in one pack or under one central control.
Disclaimer: I do editing/proofreading professionally (not fiction, sadly, even though I'd love to), so this might seem harsh, but I promise you, it's not meant that way.
So first of all, when you write short fiction, give it a day or so of rest and come back to it again later. This is to catch possible typos and just having the opportunity to polish it a bit. This text has a lot of mistakes in it for such a short piece of prose, which makes it seem like you don't even care if your audience reads a very rough and unfinished piece of writing.
Second, the text itself spend a lot of time building up this dystopian cityscape, but has some inconsistencies (if the gaps between the monoliths are so narrow a drone flying by will obscure all moonlight, what use is a helicopter?? once the street became all bloody, did all the lights suddenly turn off, because that's what the text is implying? etc.) The plot itself, if you can call it plot, is really vague in comparison, and it honestly comes across as needlessly melodramatic. We know nothing of the fanatic or anything else - there is zero reason for us to be invested in what's going on.
Third, I see what you were going for with the language, but you're overdoing it. Ironically, despite most of this text being descriptive, you're doing a lot of tell and not a whole lot of show. Why is the cloud ominous? Why do we know the man is a fanatic? Why is the society without meaning or purpose? This is all super heavy-handed, on the nose kind of writing. You tell the reader how to feel about and see things, instead of letting them come to this decision themselves.
I did like some of the things:
If we forget the grammar and other mistakes (seriously, proofread your texts, especially if they're this short) and the weird dip into very casual phrasing ('steal a peek'), these bits give the reader a really good window into the moment of the story. They make the scene seem more dynamic and real.
Thank you so much for the help! I wrote this piece as practice for an upcoming English exam (although we get given a random stimulus for the task so I won't get to the write this) so the criticism is really helpful!
I would probably start this with "Night" instead of "Blackness." When I imagine this as a movie trailer with a low gravelly voice narrating, the one syllable is stronger. :)
I love the imagery. It's extremely vivid, and you've paced it well. From the nitpicky side of my editor's soul: watch your sentence lengths an comma usage. You shoul probably vary it up a bit.
This is a great start! Can't wait to see where it goes.
You should probably post this in ~creative instead (or I can move it for you if you'd like).
Yeah, that'd be great! Sorry for putting it in the wrong one
No real criticism. I really liked it. For me, the first two paragraphs did a good job of creating a futuristic noir ambiance. I think you could use a different word than "ocean of blood" though, because it's hard to kneel into an ocean - you'd sink. And I'm a little confused at the end with the glow of "yellow and green and blue". I can get yellow from the lights, and blue from the cop cars, but I'm confused by the green.
Enjoyable read though, thanks for sharing.
Alternately, if you want to emphasize the collective nature of the drones, you could go with "a swarm of drones traversed its way...", particularly if they're all moving in one pack or under one central control.