meristele's recent activity
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Comment on Tilderinoes with mental health issues: do you feel like happiness is impossible? in ~life
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Comment on Tilderinoes with mental health issues: do you feel like happiness is impossible? in ~life
meristele Link ParentWell. Empty chair for minutes at a time is gruesome, but also meditative. Painfully so. XDWell. Empty chair for minutes at a time is gruesome, but also meditative. Painfully so. XD
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Comment on Tilderinoes with mental health issues: do you feel like happiness is impossible? in ~life
meristele Link ParentI love yoga too. It helps. I especially love the long stretches like when you hold pigeon pose for minutes at a time. A sort of meditation in slow motion.I love yoga too. It helps. I especially love the long stretches like when you hold pigeon pose for minutes at a time. A sort of meditation in slow motion.
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Comment on Tilderinoes with mental health issues: do you feel like happiness is impossible? in ~life
meristele LinkI think it depends on how you define happiness. I don't mean to decide that you are "happy" with the current state of being. That always failed miserably. It made me more anxious and depressed....I think it depends on how you define happiness. I don't mean to decide that you are "happy" with the current state of being. That always failed miserably. It made me more anxious and depressed.
I'm not a suicide sort of gal. I have a hazy belief in an afterlife, but it doesn't involve heaven necessarily. So the most horrifying thought is that suicide would leave me in the same mental state, but dead on top of it. Dead and depressed. Alliterative, but not for me. At certain points this gave me huge pressure- there was no escape. I spent a lot of time in bed with the lights off.
I'm not sure when this state morphed into something else. I don't recall any moment of epiphany. It seemed to slowly grow on me. So I am weird. I don't have a conventional life. I don't know if I will ever have a workable relationship. So many things that I can't do. But the sun kept coming up and going down and days merged together and I hit a resting place in my thoughts. While it didn't feel good, it also didn't feel bad, and that was enough.
I had to slap down depressed and anxious thoughts to stay in that quasi Zen state. It was and still is hard. It gets a little easier, but I think it will always be hard. But it allows moments of satisfaction to creep in. In small moments of balance, I can enjoy the warmth of a blanket. The taste of an apple. The smile on a stranger's face. Conversation with a hard won friend.
I am not constantly in this Zen state. I fall out of it and have to climb back in. This is acceptable - and logical. There's no end and no beginning. I want to continue the journey on my own terms and not define myself by non-weirdo assumptions.
This may not be helpful to you. I hope it might be. Not the method, (I don't think I have one,) but the possibility. The thought that you may clear a space to breathe even one breath in balance and find your own starting place.
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Comment on Workshop Wednesday: Post a poem/story/writing-thing and get feedback! in ~creative
meristele LinkHere's one from a long while ago when I was trying to make sense of my divorce. It's a little rough, and I'd like to know what parts are too jumbled. Although I have to admit that my feelings were...Here's one from a long while ago when I was trying to make sense of my divorce. It's a little rough, and I'd like to know what parts are too jumbled. Although I have to admit that my feelings were very jumbled at the time! XD
What a strange sort of scalpel that was.
Three words, four syllables, “Maybe we should.”
The snap of the cut may have been behind my ears,
so I didn’t realize ‘til later that I was waving
a stump. You would think that the answer to
“If I didn’t love you, I would leave,”
might have carved out my heart; or liver, or tripes.
Something a little more romantic, or clichéd.
Anything but this prosaic, fumbled,
one handed clutch for my dropped feelings.
And really, I’m doing quite well.
Sleeping at night, cheerful at work-
but
I think I know why people chafe
where they were amputated. -
Comment on Workshop Wednesday: Post a poem/story/writing-thing and get feedback! in ~creative
meristele Link ParentI love love love this opening. Such strong imagery~ An Icarus at the beginning of their leap. The feathers are words flying from the tip of the tongue. The energy of the thoughts and actions rush...I feel like words/and I feel like birds,/pending on my toes/at the tip of a parting
I love love love this opening. Such strong imagery~
An Icarus at the beginning of their leap. The feathers are words flying from the tip of the tongue. The energy of the thoughts and actions rush ahead, unable to be stopped or recalled. Who knows the end~ -
Comment on Workshop Wednesday: Post a poem/story/writing-thing and get feedback! in ~creative
meristele Link ParentWhile I do like the part about plastic, I love the echoing plasticity of the feelings. The want to make a difference, the helpless feeling of scale, and the desire to continue in the face of...While I do like the part about plastic, I love the echoing plasticity of the feelings. The want to make a difference, the helpless feeling of scale, and the desire to continue in the face of indifference. The echo of the world turning.
The ending line is perfect, but what really sets it up is this:
It’s the medium term, the term/of human lives, that quibbles and pulls and beats at meaning/like a fly hovering around a porchlight.
Nicely done!
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Comment on What are you reading these days? #14 in ~books
meristele LinkI've gone down a twisted path. I signed up for this Chinese website called Qidian in spite of not knowing any Chinese at all. Using Google translate, I binge read extremely long fan fictionesque...I've gone down a twisted path. I signed up for this Chinese website called Qidian in spite of not knowing any Chinese at all. Using Google translate, I binge read extremely long fan fictionesque stories about transmigration or cultivation. Between the weirdness of the translation and my unfamiliarity with idioms... Well. I'm sure that the stories I'm reading are not quite what the authors intended.
But I'm having fun! So far I love most things by Ding Mo (some of which have become popular dramas). And I like silly ones like 捡枚杀手做农夫.
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Comment on <deleted topic> in ~books
meristele LinkI am just learning Korean, and do not hold pretensions of reading literature in the language. I am cheerfully enjoying children's books. But if we're talking non-lit stuff, I love the webtoon 나빌레라.I am just learning Korean, and do not hold pretensions of reading literature in the language. I am cheerfully enjoying children's books.
But if we're talking non-lit stuff, I love the webtoon 나빌레라.
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Comment on What books are best experienced through a physical copy? in ~books
meristele LinkI like to read poetry in physicality. I read novels on my phone. When I read poems on my phone and stop to ponder and the screen saver times out, I'm ready to flip a table. Formatting is only a...I like to read poetry in physicality. I read novels on my phone. When I read poems on my phone and stop to ponder and the screen saver times out, I'm ready to flip a table.
Formatting is only a problem with longer poems. When I read things like this it doesn't mess with the line breaks. But then I'm back to ponderous interruptus and the fighting with my phone about appropriate intervals. :P
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Comment on Altered MTG Commander Deck - Elves in ~creative
meristele Link ParentSend me a message on where to send it! Zombie walks around the graveyard I... I LIVE!!! (Theoretically?)- Exemplary
Send me a message on where to send it!
Zombie walks around the graveyard
I... I LIVE!!! (Theoretically?) -
Comment on Make a statement about yourself, run it through Google translate 1 or more times and translate back into English. Post the final result. in ~talk
meristele LinkI am a jellical cat with a curious mind. English -> Hawai'ian -> Haitian Creole -> Finnish -> English I am a flower and green to name a few.I am a jellical cat with a curious mind.
English -> Hawai'ian -> Haitian Creole -> Finnish -> English
I am a flower and green to name a few.
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Comment on Anyone want to do a young adult fiction swap with me - two books - details in post in ~books
meristele Link ParentHow about Homecoming or Dicey's Song by Cynthia Voight? Kira Kira by Cynthia Kadohata Crash by Jerry Spinelli Frindle by Andrew Clements Anastasia Krupnik by Lois Lowry Under the Blood Red Sun by...How about Homecoming or Dicey's Song by Cynthia Voight?
Kira Kira by Cynthia Kadohata
Crash by Jerry Spinelli
Frindle by Andrew Clements
Anastasia Krupnik by Lois Lowry
Under the Blood Red Sun by Graham Salisbury
Because of Anya by Margaret Peterson HaddixHave you not read some of these? :)
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Comment on Gardeners in da house? in ~hobbies
meristele Link ParentWe have four species of really nasty fruit flies here. I hates them my precious... For the horn worms, have you picked them and fed them to your chickens? Or you can try that bacteria stuff.We have four species of really nasty fruit flies here. I hates them my precious...
For the horn worms, have you picked them and fed them to your chickens? Or you can try that bacteria stuff.
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Comment on Gardeners in da house? in ~hobbies
meristele LinkMy mom is the gardener at our house. I'm just her minion. I have been trained to do most everything, but it is not my passion. So I can hand pollinate and clone by air layering and mulch and...My mom is the gardener at our house. I'm just her minion. I have been trained to do most everything, but it is not my passion. So I can hand pollinate and clone by air layering and mulch and whatnot. We live in an 11-13 zone, and I am in charge of the vanilla.
We're organic, so I creep out at various times and wreak havok on snails and slugs that are audacious enough to eat at the vines. It helps to yell, "DIE YOU INVERTEBRATE SCUM!" Makes them know their place and the neighbors stay away. ;)
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Comment on People who ask "are you pregnant?" in ~talk
meristele LinkYes, I've been asked this, and I usually beam at the asker excitedly and announce, "Nope! I'm just Fat!!!!" Then they get this peculiar look on their face and I laugh my arse off. Often they sort...Yes, I've been asked this, and I usually beam at the asker excitedly and announce, "Nope! I'm just Fat!!!!" Then they get this peculiar look on their face and I laugh my arse off. Often they sort of slink away with the same sort of posture as my cousin's dog when she's been scolded.
<_<
I'm told I'm a little peculiar. I guess I've been a little desensitized - I grew up in a moderately religious household and was surrounded by people who sort of felt that women who didn't get married and have children "were special anyways." Then after I got married I had two miscarriages over a period of 4 years. Pretty soon the religious social climate was like bathing in acid. Not because people were down on me. It was because there were constantly baby showers among my "peers" and all conversation was about offspring and people would ask when I was planning to have kids. I think I thought and repressed more swear words than a platoon of Marines in basic training. I also think my mindset would have been much healthier if I just said them. XD
Oh. And right after my second miscarriage my aunt (who didn't know that I had been pregnant) told me that I was getting "chubby." I was 5'4" and 130 pounds. She was 4'8" and 87 pounds. I think I snuck into my parked car and cried for a while.
I don't ask people. I don't tell people. If informed, I will express a wish that I could bottle sleep for them and happily declare, "I'm NOT pregnant. Woohoo!" They generally laugh, because both my kids are grown and they understand that I never want to visit diaperland for myself ever again.
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Comment on You are a legendary warrior, with a several decades-long reputation of tirelessly prevailing over hordes of monstrosities. In a sudden moment of clarity, you come to your senses in a psychiatric ward. in ~creative
meristele Link ParentI exploded with laughter reading this. Well done! And welcome to ~tildes!I exploded with laughter reading this. Well done! And welcome to ~tildes!
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Comment on <deleted topic> in ~talk
meristele LinkIt's Saturday morning now, and I laugh because late to the party is standard for me. I'm waiting for the sun. I fell asleep on the porch, and the sky is a pearly grey blue before that orb rises...It's Saturday morning now, and I laugh because late to the party is standard for me. I'm waiting for the sun. I fell asleep on the porch, and the sky is a pearly grey blue before that orb rises over the ocean.
Hello day! Good morning ~Tildes! Birds are starting to warm up their voices. The tradewinds goose the trees and they mutter in a susurrus of leaves.
Here's hoping there are no hangovers on your end, and that the sun kisses your day with bliss~
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Comment on Hey ~creative! I present to you: my picture of a bee in a smoking jacket in ~creative
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Comment on Weekly Visual Activity REVIVED July 10th to July 16th. in ~creative
meristele Link ParentYes. @Userexec starts the next one. TEAM ROCKET BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!!!!Yes. @Userexec starts the next one. TEAM ROCKET BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!!!!
Yes! I got it mixed up in my mind a while ago, and keep forgetting what the real name is. Perhaps it's a fruitless wish for my state of mind while doing it... ;_;