15
votes
People who ask "are you pregnant?"
Why?
Quick story: I was in an elevator with a coworker I didn't really know and he told me a story of when he asked a stranger in a restaurant if she were pregnant. She was not! And he said he was so embarrassed that he had to leave.
I didn't get a chance to ask him, so I'm asking you fellow tilderinos - why ask this question at all? Especially to a stranger? What motivates this question? Is it really asking why someone looks fat?
Have you been on the receiving end of this question? (If you're a women older than 25, I'm going to guess yes). What are your stories?
This is absolutely terrible. I'm sorry she had to go through that.
What really bothers me about something like this is that it's really saying the only reason she can be upset is because of hormones or something. And it's unbelievable that when called on the nurse's inappropriate behaviour, it's washed away.
I have to admit, this makes me happy too :)
I've come to learn that this is, unfortunately, very common in medicine. Blaming pregnancy for any number of issues (or asking if someone is pregnant) is completely irrelevant even for the majority of medical problems. It does have its place (albeit it should be asked or hinted at in an appropriate manner), but a dentist's office is absolutely not the right place.
I've never been asked this question, but it's alway baffled me that people think a pregnancy is this free-for-all topic. You don't approach a random stranger and talk about their funky birthmark, or the fact that they're balding, or that they have a limp because... well, that would be rude. I feel like asking about a pregnancy should fall neatly in that same category.
I'll start. I've been asked several times, the most memorable being:
One day at work, my manager pulled me into a private room for a chat. He's super excited (he loves kids) and point blanks asks me if I'm pregnant. I'm, shocked, because I thought we were going to discuss something serious, which is really the only reason we use private rooms in my workplace. I blank, and really only mustered a "no". Then he follows up with a wonderful "I just thought you might be because your face is kinda puffy."
(He didn't mean any harm, so I didn't complain to HR or anything. I did follow up with him about how it's inappropriate after.)
I am literally face palming right now. Reminds me of this picture. I really don't understand why people feel the need to pry on something so personal. I would never ask a coworker if they just "had sex" because they looked happy, or if they "felt sick" because they looked tired, or any other personal questions like that. They don't belong in the workplace. Even if they were pregnant, sick, just had sex, etc. what does knowing this new knowledge even accomplish? It's not going to affect anything (well... it shouldn't) so why ask at all?
oh I love that picture!
I've actually correctly guessed that a few close friends have been pregnant over the last few years and I have never once asked. It really just boggles my mind. It's just so personal. If you're wrong it's awkward for everyone, and if you're right, you're gonna find out.
Perhaps more importantly, you will find out when they are ready to tell you.
If you truly value them as a friend, why would you put them in an uncomfortable situation when it's not justified?
Other examples aside, this I would actually do. I view this as more a offering help than an intrusive question. There are also consequences to coworkers/etc if someone isn't feeling well (cold/flu/etc).
Use your skills of deduction - are they coughing, sneezing, rubbing their eyes, etc. Do not ask them this just because they "look" tired. This is inherently sexist and promotes an environment where women need to wear makeup to not get harassed or insulted.
I disagree that this is inherently sexist, and I agree that there should be some common sense. If I just met a person, or I don't see them often, I probably wouldn't say anything. But a coworker that I see often seeming really run down one day? Absolutely.
In addition to what Gaywallet mentioned, some folks could look tired because of a chronic illness and not want to discuss that in a work environment. So while it may come from a good place, it puts people in an awkward situation where they have to decide whether or not to lie.
Stranger to stranger, I can imagine only a few scenarios in his favor: that the person has kids of his own that he adores so much that he wants to share and celebrate other people’s attempts at getting kids. Maybe it’s a bit of a generational thing that older people engage in and value more with the overwhelming preparation for having a family pervading many aspects of their upbringing.
I would never see this as something to ask someone without their bringing it up first. I also don’t plan on having kids myself. I’m also 30, so all things considered I’m still on the younger side of this topic.
I have a friend who married into an Indian family, and the cultural expectation of having kids seems very intense. She gets all sorts of pressure to make babies immediately, from car suggestions (“we should get you a van as a wedding present”) to questions of housing (“how many kids could live comfortably there?”). She still doesn’t know when or if she’s having kids, and very much doesn’t appreciate the pressure, but I can see a bit of what sort of background could drive someone to ask this sort of question to a stranger.
Yes, I've been asked this, and I usually beam at the asker excitedly and announce, "Nope! I'm just Fat!!!!" Then they get this peculiar look on their face and I laugh my arse off. Often they sort of slink away with the same sort of posture as my cousin's dog when she's been scolded.
<_<
I'm told I'm a little peculiar. I guess I've been a little desensitized - I grew up in a moderately religious household and was surrounded by people who sort of felt that women who didn't get married and have children "were special anyways." Then after I got married I had two miscarriages over a period of 4 years. Pretty soon the religious social climate was like bathing in acid. Not because people were down on me. It was because there were constantly baby showers among my "peers" and all conversation was about offspring and people would ask when I was planning to have kids. I think I thought and repressed more swear words than a platoon of Marines in basic training. I also think my mindset would have been much healthier if I just said them. XD
Oh. And right after my second miscarriage my aunt (who didn't know that I had been pregnant) told me that I was getting "chubby." I was 5'4" and 130 pounds. She was 4'8" and 87 pounds. I think I snuck into my parked car and cried for a while.
I don't ask people. I don't tell people. If informed, I will express a wish that I could bottle sleep for them and happily declare, "I'm NOT pregnant. Woohoo!" They generally laugh, because both my kids are grown and they understand that I never want to visit diaperland for myself ever again.
That's awesome!
Sorry about the miscarriage part and how you were treated there. I always found pregnancy a bit weird in that people are happy to ask questions and share their opinions on it and basically be all in your face about it, but as a society we don't really talk about the less joyous sides of it. Those are almost tabooed.
I've always felt that this was something that should only be brought up by the person who is pregnant. This is assuming the people involved aren't particularly close, i.e. casual friends or coworkers. If someone wants to let you know they are pregnant, they are free to do so at the time and in the way of their choosing. Otherwise it shouldn't be anybody's business. In my opinion, people who ask are just being rude, and I'm with OP in wondering what reason they could have to think that asking such a personal question is okay.
My theory is baby fever. I think most people tend to like babies at least a bit, but some people get hit a little harder. Whether because of hormones or circumstances (like seeing the happiness of a loved one who recent had a kid), I think that the elation experienced by someone who absolutely adores the thought of babies would negate the inhibition.
Personally, I think I'm a little broken in the other direction. When I think of babies, I think of stress, lack of sleep, financial dispair, perpetuation of dysfunction, constant worry, the upward insanity spiral of development... Stuff like that. People tell me "it's all worth it" and that I'll have a change of heart one of these days, but I'm halfway through my thirties and it hasn't happened. I just don't think I'm wired that way. So to me, asking someone if they're pregnant would be the equivalent of me asking a stranger if they were recently diagnosed with a debilitating disease. Since I have no expectation of joy from it, no oxytocin kick, it's about as near to nil as makes no odds.
I'm 32, and all my friends who get pregnant these days WANT to be pregnant, but my knee-jerk reaction when they tell me is still "oh shit, what are you going to do?" which is really funny, because the answer is "happily have the baby we've been trying for, of course."
Honestly, I'm amazed that with all of the varying forms of media depicting the question of pregnancy as risky and matters of weight just being one of those things that you do not ask about that someone would go ahead and risk shooting themselves in the foot anyway. It just seems like one of those things that you respond to when brought up, not something that you bring up yourself.
It might be a demographic thing, I am an American and have never had this issue. Most of my friends have told us when they were pregnant and I have never even thought of asking someone.
I'm Canadian, so it's at least a Canadian-ish thing. May I ask where you're from?
What about more generally?
I got this comment at work once. I was in a great mood and walking with a bounce in my step. Older male co-worker comes up to me and says with a smile and a hush voice, "I know people aren't supposed to say this, but you're glowing so I have to ask, are you pregnant?" I was caught way off-guard and embarrassed and managed to mutter a no. At first I thought it was kind of funny. But as the day went on it made me feel bad. Ruined my week. I'm not even overweight at all. Guess it was just a really unflattering shirt.
It made me think about beauty standards for women. A woman with anything less than a flat, toned stomach - must be pregnant! Meanwhile the comment coming for a man with his own stomach pouch. He'll never be on the receiving end of this insulting mistake.
That's a bit how I felt too. It was sorta nothing and then it made me a bit self conscious. And I'm pretty petite, not overweight either.
I don't think that this is a sneaky bodyshaming in most cases. Of course a lot depends on the tome with which the question is asked. Many people have boundary issues where women they think may be pregnant are concerned. Is it kinda rude? Yes.
I wasn't thinking sneaky bodyshaming, but more subconscious bias.
It's not something I would ask if I don't know her well enough (eg: close friend) and even then it needs to be really noticeable for me to talk about it.
I understand that people may want to say "congratz!", but it's a risky question. If you're wrong, not only you look like a moron and feel embarrassed, but you also make the other person feel bad.
With this said and even though it's not related to the OP's question, when it comes to obesity awareness I can't side with those who basically attack everyone warning about the risks of being overweight.
As a man, my assumption is that you are not pregnant unless you are actively delivering a baby or have told me that you are indeed pregnant. I don't ask because I don't want to be that guy that says to a woman, "you look big enough to be pregnant." That said, I think people who do ask don't think anything of it because pregnancy is usually a joyous occasion and they are wanting to congratulate the expecting mom and share in that joy.
I can see that it's suppose to be a joyous occasion. But it can be so many more things. There's the unspoken 3-month rule people like to wait, so even if they are pregnant, they might have to lie. Or they may be terminating, or deciding not to parent the child. It's just so risky all around.