I need help with execution and impulse control
The short version is throughout my life I've seemed to be unable to execute sustained action towards any kind of meaningful forward momentum. I know very well all the things I need to be doing, but in that precious moment called the present things always seem to slip. I can't gain traction. All reagent and no catalyst.
It goes without saying that the irony isn't lost on me of asking for advice, more information, more data, when what's really needed is action, but I simply don't know what else to do.
The details;
I think by far my biggest character flaw so to speak is a lack of an ability to execute under normal circumstances. Obviously procrastination and other related behaviours plague most people to one degree or another but I think in my case it's at a point where it presents an arguably existential risk to any kind of real future.
I'm in my late twenties working a relatively low paying job with moderate technical skill. Like many other children in the 1990s I was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated, though with little to no success. I stopped in my late teens but have recently begun to experiment anew consulting with my family doctor. I've since failed to renew my latest prescription but I think there's some small potential there. That said I think the buik of the change will still have to come from within.
I'm reticent to frame my experience within the pathology of a medical condition and would prefer to describe my experience without the artifacts and assumptions I feel would otherwise flatten the anecdotes. For years now I've been meaning to study when I get home from work, go to the gym (hell, just get a subscription), eat healthier, etc. There's a burnt out light in my kitchen I've been wanting to change for the past 3 weeks and haven't gotten around to. Everything slips. If I remember I need to do something I'm walking to the grocery store, or on the bus to work, or at a friend's house. I've been meaning to return a friend's call for over a month. Again, everything slips.
I feel like I'm at a point where I really need discipline and this scares me. I dropped out of college 10 years ago, live alone and work full time. I have no academic backing to speak of and feel this severely limits my future prospects as far as both lucrative, enjoyable and fruitful future employment goes. They say that when trying to plot future human behaviour the best predictor by far is past behaviour; so I'm at a point where personal success is probably unlikely, so I'd also be content being in a position where I can positively impact the lives of others. I feel all else aside this should even be a priority; I need not necessarily find success or happiness if I can be some part of the catalyst for a multitude of people to find it. Net positive for the cosmos and all that.
I've got a relatively strong foundation of knowledge for doing IT work, having administered a handful of Linux desktops and servers for personal use for the past 5 years (with previous albeit inconsistent dabbling prior to that). I generally believe in open source software and try to use it wherever I can. Unless something Very Bad happens computers are going to be a huge part of the human experience moving forward and if we are to truly prosper for the coming millennia it's probably best if this part of humanity wasn't closed off in boxes held by duopolies with the power to rival governments.
In regard to IT work I also want to stress that I'm not kidding myself either, there would still be a lot of work to do in terms of certifications, an exponential increase in experience, etc. Dunning–Kruger looms its head here I think. Also, though it's probably my best asset to convert into a career I'm not sure I like the culture that surrounds IT at least as far as I imagine it, and I don't have a particular fascination with things like networking or server administration which has me a bit worried. For what it's worth I'd say my true passion lies in the Sciences, namely Astronomy. Fusion seems to be the main attraction in the Universe so I like to pay attention. Words fail me a bit here but suffice to say the latter is the only subject which I feel truly fascinates me.
The world isn't lack for the musings and moans of uncomfortable souls, and this turned out much more long-winded than I intended it to. I can't imagine anyone reading this to derive much value here so I'll cut it short.
If you've made it this far and have any kind of feedback I'd appreciate hearing it.
Cheers,
Dear fellow tilder,
I read your post in full. I'm impressed and thinking. Let me express some of the feelings and emotions in me while I was reading.
My overall impression is that you're very articulate and authentic to your feelings. Then I sense ... a sadness, especially when you talk about how you see yourself. You wrote about letting things slip, lack of motivation, and meanwhile, there are things you really care. And there is struggle, there's this disentangling from self-pity.
After reading your post, I didn't feel I was dealing with "musings and moans of [an] uncomfortable [soul]." I felt a human being at the other end of this communication, worthy of all the respect inherent in the human being. You're not a problem, but a problem-solver. You've been dealing with difficulties, and now you want to solve some more.
You mentioned astronomy, and that's super cool! I'm an astronomer :) I've been thinking about starting some original astronomy talk, like what @wanda-seldon did with their own field, spintronics. Will you be interested? But I have to admit, I'm such a big letting-slipper too, so I'll have to try extra hard, and that scares me too! For the past few years my motivation had burned out to the bottom.
But enough about me! This is about you :)
I think there are junctions of time when we are on the brink of self-change and self-creation, and they always produce anxiety. It's a signal, inviting one to find its meaning. I believe your life is in your own hands, and you know the best about your struggle as the protagonist of your life.
As for advices, I'd like to suggest you seek a professional psychotherapist for help, if that's possible. If a social worker in your community is available, that's good too. Meanwhile, start with small, realistic goals, and build up a string of victories, and take good care of your self <3
There's not much to worry about past diagnostic labels. There's nothing to worry about how "they" say...
They underestimated something, and that's one word in the above: human.
Cheers!
Hi @zoec!
Thanks for taking the time to read that, let alone reply. Frankly I think I'll delete this post and make a better attempt at distilling it down a bit in the future.
Sadness is a tricky thing. Like many negative emotions such as hunger or discomfort it obviously has its place as a genuine mechanism to derive needed focus and subsequent action (though in other cases such as depression it gets a bit more tricky).
That said I think this anxiety is perfectly valid and healthy, but what worries me is how strong of a trend it has been. If I plot where it leads things don't look good. You say you're an astronomer so to make (a likely heavy-handed) analogy from orbital mechanics it feels like some decaying orbit, where the only times a burn is mustered is when significant atmospheric drag starts taking place and doom in on the horizon, after which we revert to that minimal sustainable orbit and do other things until the next burn is needed. This has been a strong trend for two decades now. We can of course imagine some big hypothetical burn that'll raise us into some nice, high orbit but what will the catalyst for that be? It could stem from some internal re-calibration of what constitutes danger, where long term risk motivates sustained short-term action, but this is the very mechanism that seems to be broken. The other option is an external one, where some future high-stress situation motivates context-changing action, a context which with its own subsequent set of immediate risks in turn motivates sustained short term effort to avoid being ejected back into that initial high-stress area.
I feel that probably got too abstract but it helped me think through it. I think the latter option is the only viable one, which translates into finding a challenging job I think. Unfortunately this will probably have to be accidental since, again, the mechanism to work for it in the medium-term seems to be lacking.
As to the "musings and moans of [an] uncomfortable [soul]." comment I was (and still am) aware of the fact that this doesn't make for very good reading. It's tantamount to making a post complaining about back pain.
So all that being said I'd love to hear about your day job. One of my main gripes right now is realizing none of my friends, mostly working in the entertainment industry, share any of my interests. I don't know anyone in academia or in a scientific field. What are you working on right now?
Thanks again for your kind words, I hope you make the most out of your life.
I think it's very helpful to find your personal analogy or metaphor for a mental situation. Not only does it help you think it through, it also helps you convey your feelings to others.
I feel, emotionally, in your metaphors, the "upward" improvement seems very close to imageries such as risk, stress, challenge, etc. I don't know what it means for you personally, just an observation that there's a lot of stress. I may be wrong, but I feel that, you imagine you're going to get "stressed" to the point of improvement. But there has been already a lot of stress, and it doesn't seem to me that "stress" has functioned the way you want. So perhaps, there's something more that you need?
As for "context-changing", it's my impression that sometimes a real-world "context switching" indeed has a "boosting" effect, like moving into a new residence or travel. For me, the effect is mostly a kind of reset. When dealing with streams of new information, I find myself not ruminating too much about the past, or worrying too much into the future. It may be a change of job, but may also be a change of pace, routines, or food in everyday life.
And back to your orbital metaphor... it pains me to read you associate the inner you with the word "broken". We all have that moment, or even extended period of time, when it seems that it is "I", the self, that is broken. I feel, though, that once in a while, it's through the cracks of the "broken" that elements of healing, grace, and light shines in gently. I don't think brokenness is in our nature.
And I don't feel you're complaining. You're asking for help, and very articulate.
In real world, I study cosmology, like, the Universe and stuff :) I like analyzing data and see what they tell us about the big picture of the Universe. Not having shared interests with your friends can be a real frustration, and I hope here you can find interesting stuff and people interested in your self-expression too.
I don't know how good my advice would be, because so much of this is applicable to myself. I come up with decent plans that are more or less thought through, but I tend to struggle with follow-through. I've been trying to identify the reasons for that, but they often vary, which leads me to believe that the reasons I find are only superficial.
I'm thinking more and more that the underlying issue for me is lack of money. I'm a hard worker, but I've never earned over the poverty line. The stress of money is never-ending, and over time it has worn out my sense of purpose. I constantly have to come up with new tricks to self-motivate, but I rarely feel rewarded for doing so. I feel negative consequences more often than positive reward for my efforts, so it ebbs away at my ability to continue projects.
Still, I've managed to find some things that work well for me. Sometimes it almost feels like I have to trick myself, but really it's more along the line of doing small things that can change my perception or elicit an emotional response that leads to productivity. Sometimes I can use a desire to do something as the catalyst. Whether it's a new piece of gear I want, a trip I want to go on, or a large expense coming up, I can often motivate myself to get things done because the reward is pre-planned.
More abstract goals, like learning a new technique, can be more difficult to find motivation for. If the technique is a means to an end, it's easier. But if it's just something I wish I knew how to do, I have to either really want it, or I have to trick myself into thinking that I really want it.
Tricking myself can work sometimes, but it can also backfire. If I use that method too often, it can result in too many negative outcomes. Sometimes, this can dump me right into a depressive episode that can last anywhere from a week or two to a year or two. After that, I have to start over from scratch and rebuild momentum.
The most reliable way for me to build my momentum is to do the sort of things that reliably give me positive outcomes. Jobs that pay well without leaving me in pain at the end, projects that give me a sense of accomplishment without taking excessive amounts of time and energy, even just conversations with people who make me feel worthwhile.
Again, I don't know if any of this is applicable to you, but if any of it's at all helpful I can try to help you figure out specific things that might work for you.