Charminabottle's recent activity
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Comment on <deleted topic> in ~life.men
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Comment on <deleted topic> in ~life.men
Charminabottle Link ParentHmm… maybe you’re right that some sections of my post were uncharitable as well. I’ll leave it because I will own up to my mistakes. The essence of what I meant is that your point stood without...Hmm… maybe you’re right that some sections of my post were uncharitable as well. I’ll leave it because I will own up to my mistakes.
The essence of what I meant is that your point stood without bringing up the other side to make the point. I thought it was not useful and invited the oppositional response. I was giving a part of an oppositional response to illustrate that, but that was probably too much in retrospect. My own point stood without that and I am, 20 minutes later, a bit of a hypocrite in my critique.
I’m not making assumptions though I get how this looks now. How words fail me sometimes…
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Comment on <deleted topic> in ~life.men
Charminabottle LinkHi lou, I agree with your root message but I dislike the framing you put around these issues. The view you present these realizations or problems is compared to women’s at several places in your...Hi lou,
I agree with your root message but I dislike the framing you put around these issues. The view you present these realizations or problems is compared to women’s at several places in your text and I think that merits some criticism. Your message gains nothing with the framing you’ve given it. The title could very well be “Good fathers in society don’t get enough credit” for instance.
It’s counter productive to take this oppositional approach when talking about systems of oppression. People will normally respond by bringing up the other side of your argument because it appears to not have been taken into account properly: the absurd demands on mothers, how low the bar for fathers is in most cultures, 75% of single families are lead by women, domestic tasks are not shared equally between parents. Parental leave is defaulted to women and so on and so forth. Evidence of systemic sexism plagues these issues. And only speaking of the consequences you face invalidates a lot of the real discourse you’re holding because when you take the whole thing into account, you understand that some of the resistance you encounter is due to mothers and women clinging to the one thing they are told they’re good for. What else does society allow with the same ease? Everything else is male-defaulted.
There’s always sex work, but y’know. You’re either a mother of a whore ;-)
It is uncharitable to discuss it within that frame. That being said, I understand exactly where you’re coming from and it is a regrettable consequence of a patriarcal society which doesn’t allow for men to be anything else than stereotypically male, ideally white cis, hetero, but we’ll take male above anything else.
Under patriarchy, I think you’re allowed like two emotions… anger and neutral. Where does love and tenderness fit that narrative? How are you expected to combine the demands of fatherhood with the role society forces upon you?
It’s normal to be struggling in this reality. The whole thing is fucked (pardon my french). But it’s a slippery slope from comparing our wounds to blaming the wrong people for it.
I wish you the very best, and you are an amazing, courageous and brave daddy. Keep on being that!
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (October 2023) in ~health.mental
Charminabottle Link ParentHello again, I don’t want this to sound condescending so please take it like it’s meant: I am so proud of you. It takes courage to revise our long-standing friendships and you were aware enough to...Hello again,
I don’t want this to sound condescending so please take it like it’s meant: I am so proud of you. It takes courage to revise our long-standing friendships and you were aware enough to realize all the boundary-stomping that happened there with minimal prompting while running on fumes with a newborn. I am duly impressed, for real. What wonderful news. Fed is best!
Have a great one today,
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Comment on Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (October 2023) in ~health.mental
Charminabottle Link ParentHello! If your wife is a new mom who just lost her mom, regardless of their prior relationship, it will be important to look out for post-partum in these coming weeks. Please take good care of...- Exemplary
Hello!
If your wife is a new mom who just lost her mom, regardless of their prior relationship, it will be important to look out for post-partum in these coming weeks. Please take good care of yourself and of her.The sleep deprivation stage is brutal, but it passes. Honestly, at this point in your parenthood (and really every point thereafter) you should be much more aggressive about shutting off sources of stress (your friend’s behavior is a stressor). It’s normal and expected to fall off the face of the earth when you’re a new parent. You can call your friend back when the baby sleeps through the nights in a few weeks/months.
Your child is alive and well, you and your partner are recovering… you have zero time to devote to other priorities. Parenting is hard like a marathon, not like calculus, it’s constant and crazy demanding but fairly simple to figure out. All your parenting life, your objective is loving your child and keeping them alive and mostly healthy. Don’t sweat the details too much. He eats, sleeps and poops. That’s all babies do for a long while. It’s important not to forget about yourself and your partner, but it’s ok if things take a backseat for a bit.
You are going to be awesome, and your kid will grow out of their larval stage and the challenges will change with time (little kid, little problems, bigger kid, bigger problems) but your box of tools to handle it will grow and you’ll figure stuff out together with the person you love.
There are normally some form of community outreach for new parents. You could look into that if things don’t get easier with time. Support groups, home visits from a mommy helper, parent hour at a community center, etc.
You already know what to do. You are probably a bit fucked for a while, I’m so sorry it sucks. Your circumstances are worse than that of many other parents… but it gets better, it truly does.
I’ll be wishing you guys a full uninterrupted night of sleep ASAP. Good luck and much love,
What does gender have to do with this part of our conversation?
My whole point was that your trauma is justified, and stands alone without anything else to prop it up. That it didn’t need oppositional framing to be valid.
Still, i regret that we are speaking at cross purpose now, and it reminds me of why I so seldom participate in online forums. There appears to be nothing I can write that will be as good as the words I can speak.