IanAtCambio's recent activity
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentYou're totally right, and we almost divorced because of it. My lack of "emotional support" has been a constant wedge for our entire marriage. I do get excited about many of the things that she...You're totally right, and we almost divorced because of it. My lack of "emotional support" has been a constant wedge for our entire marriage.
I do get excited about many of the things that she does. I'm particularly proud of her birth work. I try to imagine the terror of having another being growing inside you and leeching off your body only to have a countdown to a possibly dangerous and definitely painful birth event. She not only helps guide those moms, but at a more abstract level, she's bringing new babies into the world. Very cool.
I guess I just don't value running for its own sake. Nor do I blindly value accomplishing a goal. To me it entirely depends on the goal. AKA I'm not going to respect hitler for overcoming all of his logistical and political problems to accomplish a genocide. (I realize how insane it sounds to compare my wifes running hobby to the holocaust, but I'm just making a point about respecting goal accomplishment as a blanket statement.)
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentThings like hiking the Appalachian Trail are 100% selfish. They're literally let's see if I can do it. I think that self development and awareness are important, but they're most important to you...Things like hiking the Appalachian Trail are 100% selfish. They're literally let's see if I can do it. I think that self development and awareness are important, but they're most important to you yourself.
I can say "hey its cool that you did that", but I'm not going to be crying at the finish line for you.
Except it isn't effort for effort's sake. She had a clear goal and worked hard to achieve it. You just don't see the same value in it that she does.
Right. And I think that's OK. But its really disheartening to her that I'm not more invested emotionally.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI get this concept. I hear it all the time. "I could have started that business... Yeah, but you didn't and they did" or "I could have made this art, but yeah, you didn't and they did". And I know...I get this concept. I hear it all the time. "I could have started that business... Yeah, but you didn't and they did" or "I could have made this art, but yeah, you didn't and they did".
And I know that its not easy. I see how she comes in and collapses after her runs. Or how she runs even when she doesn't feel like it. I know that she's working hard at it. And I know that I could never do it myself.
I know all of these things. But I feel like its more to do with the running itself.
I have a buddy whose an entreprenuer. He's constantly having to work hard to build his business. Gets no days off, and I totally respect that. But when he's done, he's got a good business and an asset to show for it.
When you're done running you get a tshirt.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI really appreciate you sharing, and it sounds very similar to many of the running stories that I've heard. My brother in law really tried to get me to read about this guy David Groggins, but the...I really appreciate you sharing, and it sounds very similar to many of the running stories that I've heard. My brother in law really tried to get me to read about this guy David Groggins, but the dude just sounded like a crazy zealot to me and not someone that I admired. (why brag about finishing a race with a broken leg? Is that good?)
I remember when I was a kid, I got stuck on this Mario level. I mean for weeks, I could never get past it. Finally, one day I beat it. I was sooo stoked. I ran to tell my parents, and my Dad says "Great job. Now go set the table for dinner". Like yes, he said the words great job, but obviously, he didn't give a shit. And I'm sure if I asked him about it a few days later he would have no idea what my accomplishment was. I feel like that now with my wife.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI keep hearing people talk about bucket lists, and that whole concept for me just feels really weird. A specific list of things to do before you die? Why not just live your life? But I digress......I keep hearing people talk about bucket lists, and that whole concept for me just feels really weird. A specific list of things to do before you die? Why not just live your life? But I digress...
I know that this is not something that she's always wanted to do. Her sister started doing it recently, and my wife was impressed. That along with the changes in her body from pregnancy and needing a rage outlet started her running. We've discussed this and its kind of a therapy for her.
I've definitely tried talking to her about it. This morning when she 'busted' me for not really getting that into it, I asked, but its like speaking a foreign language. I'm glad that shes found a hobby that she likes. And I'm glad that it makes her happy. I'm in no way trying to stop her from doing this, and in fact I'm actively supporting it. But ultimately she's really excited and I'm not. I've been trying to fake it this whole time so she didn't lose morale, but the mask slipped a bit this morning....
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentLook, thanks for your honesty, but I think you're misunderstanding me. I completely agree that its fine to have separate interests. And I am kind and loving to my wife about her running. I've...Look, thanks for your honesty, but I think you're misunderstanding me. I completely agree that its fine to have separate interests. And I am kind and loving to my wife about her running. I've never discouraged it, and I always try to enable her by watching the kids to give her time for runs. Even the long 2 hour ones. I'm totally fine with her doing this.
But I'm not excited. And that's a problem for her. And ultimately a problem for me because now there's this divide between us where she feels that I'm not providing the emotional support that she wants. This is a really big deal for her, and I just don't care that much.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentWe may be getting way to far into the weeds with this one. When we first met, my wife was a very athletic and competitive person, so this is exactly the kind of thing that I would expect from her....We may be getting way to far into the weeds with this one. When we first met, my wife was a very athletic and competitive person, so this is exactly the kind of thing that I would expect from her.
And we have 2 kids and I work from home, so I spend so much time with her. I'm totally fine to give her this thing to do alone, and completely understand. I really don't think its jealousy. More like why does everyone think this is such a big accomplishment? (and why don't I)
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentListen, I'M not making this about me. Until this occurred in my life, I thought things were totally fine. But now my wife, family, and strangers on the internet are telling me that I have a...Listen, I'M not making this about me. Until this occurred in my life, I thought things were totally fine. But now my wife, family, and strangers on the internet are telling me that I have a problem. So... they're the ones making it about me.
And besides the whole point of this post is asking for help to understand something that is genuinely foreign to me. Talking shit to me and passing your judgement is definitely not helping anyone.This is not fan fiction, and I have many things that keep me fulfilled. I also have many things that I'm passionate about. My wife is not really into many of them, and its OK with me. They are for me. And as long as she allows me the time to do them, its totally fine.
People are excited about setting a very difficult goal and achieving it.
This to me just seems like an auxiliary thing. Most of the things I do are because they're interesting to me personally, or they can help/benefit my friends and family in some way. I guess I don't live my life in increments by achievements.
Why do people climb mountains? Why do people do video game programming jams where they do hard problems in a single weekend? why do people go to space? People are excited about setting a very difficult goal and achieving it. Seeing others achieve their goals can be incredibly motivating to others.
This sounds like you're talking to a child. Why do people climb mountains? Some are worried about wasting thier life and trying to make the most of it. Some are looking for fame. Some are running from their real problems or using the mountain as a proxy for them. Some people are researching volcanoes. The list of WHYs is endless. Am I supposed to be proud of or respect all of those people?
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI absolutely would. And I'm starting to see that its weird and arbitrary that I would respect her playing violin and not running.I absolutely would. And I'm starting to see that its weird and arbitrary that I would respect her playing violin and not running.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentGood question. There are some guys that I work with that are real Kubernetes wizards. Really impressed by them and respect them. Most parents I respect for sticking around and putting in the...Good question. There are some guys that I work with that are real Kubernetes wizards. Really impressed by them and respect them. Most parents I respect for sticking around and putting in the effort with thier kids because I know it is a hard and thankless job. My buddy is an amazing guitarist, and despite all that life threw at him (or maybe because of it), he's still an amazing musician.
Maybe to me running is not a skill per se. I know that so many people here would argue about how you have to plan and have discipline to stick with it etc. I guess that is a skill in some sense.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI think this is close. I do feel accomplished for doing something in a hobby. But I think that's just for me. Its so personal, I don't feel like I would ever expect someone to understand or...I think this is close. I do feel accomplished for doing something in a hobby. But I think that's just for me. Its so personal, I don't feel like I would ever expect someone to understand or empathize. I know what I got out of it, but I don't think anyone else could ever really know that.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI 100% agree with you. I definitely think that self development is important, and not just because of what benefit that can provide externally. I exercise, journal, try new hobbies for exactly...I 100% agree with you. I definitely think that self development is important, and not just because of what benefit that can provide externally. I exercise, journal, try new hobbies for exactly that reason. But again, that is very personal for me, and I would never expect someone (who wasn't already into one of those things) to get emotionally excited.
You're 100% spot on about the body changes post pregnancy, and I know that is part of the force motivating her. And it is good for her self esteem. Of course I want her to feel beautiful and strong.
And that does help. I was very proud of her for handling her pregnancy the way she did, and I guess I can just view this as the final step of her pregnancy. Rebound. -
Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentThis has resonated with me the hardest. I absolutely support her intellectually, but not emotionally. Thank you!Or rather, on an intellectual level we both perfectly understand each other's crazinesses, but we can't always share in them emotionally. But for us that's fine. It would be boring if we were exactly the same, and this way we can learn from each other.
This has resonated with me the hardest. I absolutely support her intellectually, but not emotionally.
Thank you! -
Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI guess I shouldn't harp on about the money. That's misleading. It's more about the practical application of a skill. A master craftsman that can create amazing art? Totally respect even if they...I guess I shouldn't harp on about the money. That's misleading. It's more about the practical application of a skill.
A master craftsman that can create amazing art? Totally respect even if they are not making money from it.
Those guys at school that can spin a pen around their thumb and catch it? Not so much even if they had to work really hard at it.Look I'm definitely not jealous. I have great self esteem, and I've got plenty of personal achievements under my belt so no reason for me to be. Its not that I want something that she has.
By comparing it to throwing cards into a tophat, you're not recognizing the traditional value of running. It is something that is deeply rooted in human beings as a sign of health and wellness - being able to run a long distance has been the skill for millenia.
Yes dude. When we didn't have cars or telephones and messengers had to hand deliver letters on foot between villages, super useful skill to have. When we were hunter/gatherers, and long distance running meant that we could feed our tribe, again super useful skill to have. But these days beyond the benefits of fitness to run a few miles (which does not require running 13 miles), I don't really see the value in running.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentFirst of all, thank you. I feel like you are actually trying to guide me to something here, and this has been one of the most helpful comments on my post. Exactly what I was looking for. This...First of all, thank you. I feel like you are actually trying to guide me to something here, and this has been one of the most helpful comments on my post. Exactly what I was looking for.
Would there be any physical, athletic feat that your spouse could perform, without monetary reward, that you would be impressed with?
This really got me. If my wife got really good at martial arts, and won some sort of competition (or even entered it, she doesn't have to win) I think I'd be proud. That seems like something really useful and practical that could come in handy. She could keep herself and our kids safer.
But like would I be impressed if my 5'4 wife could dunk a basketball? Probably not. I don't see how that would benefit anyone other than her.
Apparently, my respect is hinging on whether the skill is practical and whether it can benefit anyone other than the athlete themselves.
Although, I value her being physically fit enough to run a couple miles if the situation called for it, I just don't view long distance running as a practical skill. I guess some would say its not about the running, but the ability to be disciplined and achieve a goal. Which is great, but its so abstract its hard for me to be so happy about it.
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI respect "whistleblowers" for having the courage to stand up to huge corporations or the government at their own risk. I respect people like Jonas Salk for the amazing amount of work that he did...I respect "whistleblowers" for having the courage to stand up to huge corporations or the government at their own risk. I respect people like Jonas Salk for the amazing amount of work that he did to achieve the creation of the Polio vaccine.
I don't really respect guys like Takeru Kobayashi who has the world record for eating 110 bunless hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Does that make sense?
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI'm definitely impressed with professional athletes. They (and thier families) livelihood depend on their performance, so there is definitely risk and reward. If my wife said to me "Honey, I'm...I'm definitely impressed with professional athletes. They (and thier families) livelihood depend on their performance, so there is definitely risk and reward. If my wife said to me "Honey, I'm going to be a professional endurance athlete. They make big bucks, and it could do alot for our family", then hell yes, I'd be very proud.
But picture this. Your spouse goes into a spare bedroom and puts down a top hat on the floor. They then stand 10 feet away and try to throw playing cards into the hat. At first they keep missing. But day after day for hours after dinner they keep trying to throw those cards in the hat. Until finally one day, they are so accurate, that they can throw 20 cards in a row into the hat.
"Not everyone can do that!" they say. "Look at all the hours of hard work that I put in!". "Even when I got so bored and felt like leaving the room, I stayed here and kept throwing cards."
Would you be "proud" of your spouse that can now throw some cards into a hat?
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentThat's just it. All of what you're saying makes perfect sense to me. Setting personal goals and achieving them can make you feel great, but they are very "personal". We sound very similar. I've...It's hard to explain why, for a few weeks, this arbitrary distance became so important, or the feeling that I had when I finally broke it. But ultimately, I think it's just me creating my own meaning for life. Constructing my own narrative.
That's just it. All of what you're saying makes perfect sense to me. Setting personal goals and achieving them can make you feel great, but they are very "personal".
We sound very similar. I've just setup a hydroponic farm as a project. I've gotten tons of unused IT certs, I've also just gotten into baking bread. Those things are all "cool", and if my family or friends is into them, then even better. Something we can share. But I'd just call that "living your life".
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Comment on What's the big deal about running a half marathon? in ~life
IanAtCambio Link ParentI definitely cannot do this. I can maybe run 3 miles and I'm done. I think this is my sticking point and I don't think it is. I think that effort for effort's sake is not super impressive. On a...I definitely cannot do this. I can maybe run 3 miles and I'm done.
Is the effort someone put in not laudable by itself?
I think this is my sticking point and I don't think it is. I think that effort for effort's sake is not super impressive.
On a similar vein, many folks are super proud of hiking the entire Appalachian Trail. It requires a shitload of effort and toughness. But, so what. With all of that effort, you could have been:
building houses for the homeless
getting a masters or PHD so that you can contribute more to your family
becoming a master craftsman
etc...To me, it's just a ton of walking, and not giving up when you're tired. Nothing is really at stake except for the disappointment in yourself by not meeting a bar that you have placed FOR YOURSELF.
There are TONS of things that I'm very proud of my wife for. She quit her corporate job and started a new career teaching yoga. That was a huge risk, and required lots of work and schooling. Now she's a certified yoga teacher, and I'm very proud of that fact. She's also a doula, and again, I think its amazing that she's helping people with one of the most difficult things in their life.
Both of those things contribute to lots of people's wellbeing. Running a long ways is just completely arbitrary and personal. I can see that she's excited, but I'm not.
OK, trying not to get defensive, but my arrogance being very clear to you is making that difficult. I just said that to be clear that I'm not 'jealous' or resentful. And I'm secure with my own self.
Its great that you really enjoy all the subjects that your friends talk to you about. I guess I'm more selective. Sometimes my friends are doing something interesting to me, and I really like to hear about it. Sometimes they are doing something that I'm not interested in, and I listen politely.
I am supporting her in my own way. I listen to her talking about her running. If she needs time to train, I'll watch the kids. I even got her a gift certificate to a fancy running store so she can get her feet scanned and have a pro give her the best shoes for her marathon.
I'm happy that she's happy. But beyond that, I'm having trouble getting emotional about it.