What's the big deal about running a half marathon?
I have a problem. My wife is currently training for a half-marathon and getting really into it. She's getting anxiety about being able to finish her training runs, she's telling me how much this is going to mean to her, and comparing the race with her giving birth to our children.
My problem is that I just don't "get it".
As a good partner, I'm really trying to support her. I have never said anything negative about her running, I've always watched the kids when she needs to train, and I'll absolutely be there during the run to cheer her on. But deep down it just doesn't feel like a 'big deal' to me.
I'm glad that she's healthy and exercising regularly, and that she's getting some mental relief from being a stay-at-home-Mom. But just running a long way is just that. I liken it to saying everyday after dinner, I'm going to go stack some rocks in the front yard. And then one day saying "Wow, I'm going to stack them 10 feet high!". And really expecting her to get excited for me because of that.
Running feels like a personal accomplishment, and because of that, I'm sure she's excited personally, but I'm just not that impressed. I've always hid that part, and just said things like "way to go babe!" or "I knew you could do it", but she could tell this morning that I wasn't truly excited about it.
To compound things, her sister and brother-in-law are avid runners, and they've both done marathons. She is just in awe of them, and they all hype this up to each other. On his last run (a 30 mile trail run) he was faltering, but made it through. Everyone is just so impressed with his accomplishment. I mean its cool that he's good at his hobby, but also that kind of shit cannot be good for your body, and he had like a 3 day recovery period where his wife is watching the kids almost exclusively.
Why is he doing that to himself, and even more importantly, why is everyone around us so excited that he did? I feel like they're getting excited that someone went to the gym and worked out, but just in an extreme manner.
What is wrong with me? Please help me understand why I'm not excited that my wife is running a long distance.
Your wife is excited. Are you not able to feel joy on her behalf? Does the simple fact of her joy not spark joy for you? Isn't her happiness a vital part of your own happiness?
To be honest, this doesn't sound like it's about running, or her relationship with her family, or stacking rocks, or whatever else. This sounds like your respect for your wife and her hobbies is conditional on her doing something you consider worthwhile. Why is that?
Is this not just how "respect" works? Isn't all respect conditional on you thinking it was worthwhile?
Of course I want my wife to be happy, which is why I've always tried to help her make time for training, and tried to support her in this. I want to be closer with her which was the entire point of this post.
It would appear you and I operate under different working definitions of respect.
I respect "whistleblowers" for having the courage to stand up to huge corporations or the government at their own risk. I respect people like Jonas Salk for the amazing amount of work that he did to achieve the creation of the Polio vaccine.
I don't really respect guys like Takeru Kobayashi who has the world record for eating 110 bunless hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Does that make sense?
It does, but we aren't talking about a guy who shoves hot dogs in his face. We're talking about your wife, mother of your children. It sounds like you're talking around saying you don't really respect your wife.
I’m not married so keep that in context.
I think this is a pretty strong accusation to make, and it’s going to be impossible to soul read the OP based on what he’s written here. I think his wife is really into her hobby and the degree to which she’s gotten into it isn’t logical (not that that’s important) and so someone using a logical lens to figure it out will be left confused.
Good question. There are some guys that I work with that are real Kubernetes wizards. Really impressed by them and respect them. Most parents I respect for sticking around and putting in the effort with thier kids because I know it is a hard and thankless job. My buddy is an amazing guitarist, and despite all that life threw at him (or maybe because of it), he's still an amazing musician.
Maybe to me running is not a skill per se. I know that so many people here would argue about how you have to plan and have discipline to stick with it etc. I guess that is a skill in some sense.
I get this concept. I hear it all the time. "I could have started that business... Yeah, but you didn't and they did" or "I could have made this art, but yeah, you didn't and they did".
And I know that its not easy. I see how she comes in and collapses after her runs. Or how she runs even when she doesn't feel like it. I know that she's working hard at it. And I know that I could never do it myself.
I know all of these things. But I feel like its more to do with the running itself.
I have a buddy whose an entreprenuer. He's constantly having to work hard to build his business. Gets no days off, and I totally respect that. But when he's done, he's got a good business and an asset to show for it.
When you're done running you get a tshirt.
Running for an extended amount of time is hard. Even when I was truly in shape in my youth, there was a great deal of mental fortitude needed to push through several miles. My wife and I are in our 30s. My wife has been getting excited about running 5Ks after she spent a few months getting back into running after pretty much not running since she was a teenager.
After she did a few 5Ks she asked me if I do one with her. I too haven't ran with any consistency since I was a teenager, but I agreed. I did a true couch to 5K, no training prep before the race. At the start, I kept up well, but I was ready to start walking after about 200 meters. I alternated walking and running for the rest of the race. My wife absolutely smoked me.
I was proud of her for killing it, and I was proud of myself for finishing the race. With every lap, I wanted to so badly bail, but I didn't. That to me is what makes long distance running such a big deal to people that do it. You're body is getting tired, and your brain is telling you to stop, but you will through it. When you finish you feel like champion of your own mind and body.
You don't have to get it, though. It's okay to not be into something. It's okay to explicitly say so as well. "Honey, I don't really understand this goal, but I am 100% behind you all the way." I'm sure you do things your wife doesn't "get" either.
This is exactly what I told her, but there's still this rift because she knows that I'm just not as into it as she is.
My partner is also very into a sport that I very much don't care about. He's well aware of my thoughts on the activity. But, based on reading some of your other comments, I think a difference between your opinion of your wife's efforts vs. mine is that I am so, so proud of my partner for his hobbies, not because I give a shit about the activity, but simply because he works so hard at them. You don't seem to be proud of your wife, even if you say you're behind her. I'd honestly be pretty hurt if I intuited my partner wasn't proud of me for something I worked hard at.
In one of your other comments, you mention that the effort put into marathon training could instead be put into something like getting a degree, or earning a technical certificate, etc.; this seems to me that you don't find hobbies, exploration, or exercise ... for lack of better word... useful.
I think you and I may differ in that you seem to hold pure utilitarianism at higher value than I do (apologies if I'm misunderstanding, I realize I'm completely basing this off a few internet comments :). But, I might still challenge what makes something 'useful', and that 'personal accomplishments' are still accomplishments.
For one, I view exercise (and other healthy habits) as extremely useful. Of all the hobbies your wife could have chosen, she's exercising, and intensively at that. That can have amazing long-term benefits in terms of aging and quality of life, as well as reductions in 'lifestyle' diseases (especially if American, this could well help reduce future healthcare costs, if you want to put a dollar value on it).
Physical training also requires a huge amount of discipline. Discipline is, imo, one of the most valuable, transferable life skills there is. Every activity in life can be boiled down to simply Doing or Not-doing. But Doing, consistently, through pain and fatigue and mental slumps and bad weather and whatever else.. that requires a lot of sustained discipline. Your wife may already have been disciplined, but all skills require practice to up-keep and improve. I've also (at one point in my youth) trained up to a 1/2 marathon distance. I can say from personal experience, it took a lot for me to keep going, and it taught me a lot about myself mentally and physically.
So, overall, while I would generally challenge your dismissal of 'personal accomplishments' (what is life if not a series of personal experiences that, occasionally, cross paths with others' personal experiences?), I have particular difficulty in understanding your dismissal of physical / endurance training specifically.
I apologize if I've misinterpreted / missed the point of any of your intentions or explanations. But, I hope at least I've given you some ideas that might help you understand why other people feel so strongly about running a half marathon.
I feel like this comment sums it up. If there was anything to "get", it's trying to see her perspective and the mental/physical challenge she is going through.
I'm not a runner, not even close. But there is an aspect to working out and training that is a mind over matter attitude. If that makes sense.
While a half marathon might be the first chapter, with more training and schedule, who knows what she will achieve. Its up to you if you want to be the one to support her through that journey though.
You honestly sound a little bit jealous.
And "getting it"... It's just like any other skill. Playing guitar, coding.... Whatever. It's cool because it's a hill to climb on. A hill that not everybody is able to climb.
Your attitude seems to boil down to "it's just putting one foot in front of the other" (you didn't expressly state this, but that's the feeling I got from this). You do it then if it's that easy. Or stack the ten rocks on top of each other and see if you get a sense of accomplishment from that.
Yeah, I could see how I could come across that way. Hard to accurately express myself just over text.
I'm definitely not jealous. In a way, I wish that I was because that would mean that I really do value the "accomplishment" and just want it to be me instead.
I'm also not saying that its easy. I can run 3 miles max before I'm completely exhausted. But I don't expect everyone around me to be impressed by that.
I brought up the jealousy because you mentioned the health aspect, which just feels like you needed additional ammunition to shoot this whole thing down. It doesn't really have much to do with whether something's impressive or not.
Three miles is pretty good for someone that doesn't run much. I bet if you had a running partner they'd be like "that's pretty good for a novice". It's just being supportive and recognizing effort in a hobby that they're into, too.
I don't think there's anything really for you to get other than the mentioned. You already are supportive, that's the most important part. It's just recognizing it's something she's into so she strives to be better, likes to talk about her hobby and sees those who have achieved more than her as aspiration. I'm sure you have the same kind of feelings towards your interests.
I think everything here has been thoroughly covered, and this thread is starting to get a little weird and antagonistic in various places now. I can only see it going further downhill from here, so I'm going to shut it down.
I can't speak for your wife, but I sort of went through the same thing this summer. I have always exercised regularly but never been a runner, just popping out for a jog in a nearby forest a couple of times a month, more for the nature than the running itself.
But this spring I noticed that I was going out for runs more often, and finally it started to be something that I did every second day, a frequency that I have kept up since. With this increased practice, I soon noticed that my regular 10 km jogs no longer really challenged me, and naturally I started to push towards a half-marathon distance, while making a point to listen to my body. After a few attempts that I aborted around 18 km, usually in a particularly steep uphill part, I finally broke the half-marathon distance in August.
It's hard to explain why, for a few weeks, this arbitrary distance became so important, or the feeling that I had when I finally broke it. But ultimately, I think it's just me creating my own meaning for life. Constructing my own narrative. Whether it's some arbitrary sports challenge, the goal of beating a video game, learning an instrument that I'll never play, building an indoor hydroponic farm that costs more than the produce that it produces, studying for an IT certificate that I will never need, perfecting that sourdough bread recipe that I've been tweaking for months although I could just buy bread from any shop, or whatever other ultimately meaningless task I decide to set up for myself, it's a nice little narrative for me to follow, and also an entertaining way to learn more about myself and the world around me. And if there are friends or family around me who share my temporary insanity, it's certainly even more fun.
That's just it. All of what you're saying makes perfect sense to me. Setting personal goals and achieving them can make you feel great, but they are very "personal".
We sound very similar. I've just setup a hydroponic farm as a project. I've gotten tons of unused IT certs, I've also just gotten into baking bread. Those things are all "cool", and if my family or friends is into them, then even better. Something we can share. But I'd just call that "living your life".
Yes, these things can be very personal. My wife certainly didn't understand why I suddenly had to try to break the half-marathon distance, especially as it meant coming back from my failed attempts nearly ready to throw up and hardly able to walk properly. Just like I don't for instance get why she often goes to see theatre productions that she has already seen a dozen times before.
Or rather, on an intellectual level we both perfectly understand each other's crazinesses, but we can't always share in them emotionally. But for us that's fine. It would be boring if we were exactly the same, and this way we can learn from each other.
This has resonated with me the hardest. I absolutely support her intellectually, but not emotionally.
Thank you!
You are very welcome. And I could add that I definitely understand how these kind of things can cause friction, you guys are certainly not alone with that. Just a couple of days ago my wife and I talked about how disappointed she was after a concert that we attended on Tuesday, as my reaction to it was so different from hers -- basically, for her the concert was a very emotional experience, while for me it remained an interesting intellectual curiosity. But again, talking about this not only deepened both of our experiences of the concert, but also our understanding of each other.
Good luck with your hydroponic and baking projects!
Can you do it?
I'm not being dismissive of your point, I'm legitimately asking.
If you can, do you remember what it took for you to reach this point where you were able to run that far?
If you can't, how much time and effort did it take your wife to reach this point?
Is the effort someone put in not laudable by itself?
Now I won't attest to the point if it's healthy or not for your body to run 30 miles, but that's not really the concern here is it. Though if it is, please take that point to your wife and express concern for her health, that would be a legitimate feeling of yours that she should also take seriously.
The opposite of love isn't hatred, it's indifference. To me, being dismissive comes close to indifference to her accomplishments. That must hurt her. More than she would be if you asked her to stop because you're concerned for her health.
Take a look and assess what she's doing to train herself up to the point and be proud of the effort she put in, even if you aren't necessarily proud of the result. I'm sure she'd appreciate it.
I definitely cannot do this. I can maybe run 3 miles and I'm done.
I think this is my sticking point and I don't think it is. I think that effort for effort's sake is not super impressive.
On a similar vein, many folks are super proud of hiking the entire Appalachian Trail. It requires a shitload of effort and toughness. But, so what. With all of that effort, you could have been:
building houses for the homeless
getting a masters or PHD so that you can contribute more to your family
becoming a master craftsman
etc...
To me, it's just a ton of walking, and not giving up when you're tired. Nothing is really at stake except for the disappointment in yourself by not meeting a bar that you have placed FOR YOURSELF.
There are TONS of things that I'm very proud of my wife for. She quit her corporate job and started a new career teaching yoga. That was a huge risk, and required lots of work and schooling. Now she's a certified yoga teacher, and I'm very proud of that fact. She's also a doula, and again, I think its amazing that she's helping people with one of the most difficult things in their life.
Both of those things contribute to lots of people's wellbeing. Running a long ways is just completely arbitrary and personal. I can see that she's excited, but I'm not.
That's the problem. You have a bar as to what deserves your appreciation. That's okay, but others aren't going to feel the same way.
*Do you feel accomplished for doing something in a hobby that is only personal? If so, then that's how you relate to other's personal achievements. If not, then I don't know what to tell you
I think this is close. I do feel accomplished for doing something in a hobby. But I think that's just for me. Its so personal, I don't feel like I would ever expect someone to understand or empathize. I know what I got out of it, but I don't think anyone else could ever really know that.
As I read through this post, I personally find you're lack of appreciation for accomplishments that do not produce a material benefits to others rather strange. Most things we as individuals do are inconsiquencial, and only celebrating large scale wins just seems like a good way to end up depressed.
Now, the reason I replied to this comment specifically is because you do seem to value small scale achievements, you just do not wish to share those with others. I feel that perhaps this is where some of the disconnect lies.
To me, much of the joy of a long term relationship and partner is that you can share those personal accomplishments with another person. Unrelated people won't care, but your spouse, family, and close friends can see the effort you put in and recognize that you've pushed yourself to a new height.
If I decided I wanted to work on computers as a hobby, I would never expect my spouse to respect me in the same way they might respect Ada Lovelace, but I do see her eyes light up when I talk about things I'm passionate about. She may not understand it or really give a shit, but seeing your partner enjoy something is in itself enjoyable for most people. I do the same for her, seeing her passionate about something is an absolute treat that I would go through great length to encourage and protect. I do not have any, but I know that many people feel the same way about their children.
If that feeling is not something you've ever experienced, I would highly recommend you ponder why that as and strongly consider speaking to a therapist about it. That's not to say that there's anything wrong with you, but a lack of interest like that is the type of thing that slowly eats away at a relationship. It might be worth exploring before it ever becomes a problem. As others have pointed out, you are indeed the odd one out here, and your wife likely expects a different response from you.
To put it this way, if my partner consistently behaved the same you are, a 10 or 20 year relationship would likely become very difficult.
I hope this does not come across as insensitive as that's not my intention. I just want to stress that this isn't a minor thing you should ignore. It has the potential to cause larger issues. I wish you the best.
I'd just like to add to this that the level of a partner's needs in this area does vary from person to person. It sounds like OP and their partner have different needs regarding the level of involvement and enthusiasm from their partner around their personal efforts. While OP may see their own personal efforts as exclusively personal and not requiring the involvement/approval/participation of their partner, it sounds like this view may not be shared. Really I get the impression that there are two extremes on this spectrum going on here.
My partner and I certainly respect each other's personal goals and the efforts we put into our non-shared hobbies, but I wouldn't say either of us requires or even desires involvement or enthusiasm from each other about those. We give each other the space to pursue things and respect the efforts, and we've always been perfectly happy with that arrangement.
To give an example, I've spent years studying Japanese and spend every night before bed in the recliner translating. She has no interest in Japanese, nor would I expect her to. We have shared hobbies, but this isn't one of them. I don't need a cookie from her every time I finish an article, and I don't expect her to enthusiastically tell her friends about my latest progress. She's not into it and that's okay--I don't need someone to validate my intrinsic motivations before I can pursue them; I only require a partner who at least respects the act of pursuit generally. I may tell her about a funny word or something, but I would never badger her to learn with me or seek praise about it, nor would she get gloomy because I'm pouring effort into something that doesn't interest her.
Different people are different, though. I wouldn't say our way of looking at it is the right way--only that it's the right way for us because it's a match. Since it may not be a match in this post's case, though, I agree with you that there's some introspection to be done here.
I'd stop short of saying OP is the odd one out here, though: I think their view on this is, if anything, the more common one (and not even as extreme as it usually presents) and people just refuse to see it in themselves. I've been in several relationships where my partner's views on my personal hobbies and efforts were downright discouraging because it wasn't an interest they shared so they didn't "get it" and had no respect for it, but I was expected to be enthusiastic about and supportive of everything they did. Needless to say, that imbalance didn't work out.
You're totally right, and we almost divorced because of it. My lack of "emotional support" has been a constant wedge for our entire marriage.
I do get excited about many of the things that she does. I'm particularly proud of her birth work. I try to imagine the terror of having another being growing inside you and leeching off your body only to have a countdown to a possibly dangerous and definitely painful birth event. She not only helps guide those moms, but at a more abstract level, she's bringing new babies into the world. Very cool.
I guess I just don't value running for its own sake. Nor do I blindly value accomplishing a goal. To me it entirely depends on the goal. AKA I'm not going to respect hitler for overcoming all of his logistical and political problems to accomplish a genocide. (I realize how insane it sounds to compare my wifes running hobby to the holocaust, but I'm just making a point about respecting goal accomplishment as a blanket statement.)
Okay, I know I've been harsh in other parts of this thread - but what I'm about to say now please take it as me speaking respectfully. Have you ever talked to a doctor or anyone to see if you may be autistic? Reading many of your replies and the way you view things .. just has me curious.
Except it isn't effort for effort's sake. She had a clear goal and worked hard to achieve it. You just don't see the same value in it that she does.
Your comments about how someone who achieved a physical goal like hiking the Appalachian Trail could have better spent their time helping the homeless or getting an education are baffling to me. What are you gaining by diminishing somebody else's accomplishments, even if you're keeping those thoughts to yourself?
Things like hiking the Appalachian Trail are 100% selfish. They're literally let's see if I can do it. I think that self development and awareness are important, but they're most important to you yourself.
I can say "hey its cool that you did that", but I'm not going to be crying at the finish line for you.
Right. And I think that's OK. But its really disheartening to her that I'm not more invested emotionally.
I think you're missing the forest for the trees a bit here, so in case some reframing helps:
You're hyped fixated on the literal output of whatever people are working towards; when it comes to things like running, hiking, the gym, etc., the output is all personal growth. Knowing where you were , seeing barriers, and overcoming them. I should think it's a skill that clearly translates across all aspects of life.
Additionally,
You've added emphasis as if it's a bad thing to set your bars. I personally think it's healthy to set your own bars, professional, personal, whatever, instead of letting others prescribe value to what you might do. Again, I think developing comfort in your own goal setting and meeting those goals is something that can be important across one's life.
It might be a valuable exercise, doesn't have to be running, to find something you WANT to do but shouldn't in your own framework of value; finding some joy in a task like that might help you sympathize with your partner's efforts.
It reads as if you require worthwhile effort to be an externalised net-benefit and I don't think that's always true. You can accomplish things by yourself, for yourself. If you subscribe to the pyramid of Maslow, developing yourself and self-actualisation is one of the pillars of need.
And on that note I do think it's always good to work on yourself, whether mentally, physically, or even both (running is often both). Setting a goal, training for it, and ultimately reaching it can feel incredibly rewarding. To know you can set your mind to something and do it. It's empowering and works wonders for your self-esteem.
Life isn't just about doing things for others. Working hard to achieve something can feel good for yourself and lets you grow as a person. I don't think running is arbitrary for her.
Now this is speculation, but perhaps she feels the need to physically reach a goal since she felt she could no longer do that after having kids. Perhaps her body changed and feels self-conscious. This may help her feel better about herself when she reaches this stretch-goal. It probably made her better at keeping to a disciplined schedule, feel more energetic overall, perhaps look physically fitter, etcetera.
Speculation or no, point is that people do arbitrary things for themselves just to see if they can and that feels good.
The last thing is that I don't think it's not worth it to work on yourself because it isn't for someone else's benefit. I just disagree with that position entirely. It's always worth it to work on yourself.
I 100% agree with you. I definitely think that self development is important, and not just because of what benefit that can provide externally. I exercise, journal, try new hobbies for exactly that reason. But again, that is very personal for me, and I would never expect someone (who wasn't already into one of those things) to get emotionally excited.
You're 100% spot on about the body changes post pregnancy, and I know that is part of the force motivating her. And it is good for her self esteem. Of course I want her to feel beautiful and strong.
And that does help. I was very proud of her for handling her pregnancy the way she did, and I guess I can just view this as the final step of her pregnancy. Rebound.
I keep hearing people talk about bucket lists, and that whole concept for me just feels really weird. A specific list of things to do before you die? Why not just live your life? But I digress...
I know that this is not something that she's always wanted to do. Her sister started doing it recently, and my wife was impressed. That along with the changes in her body from pregnancy and needing a rage outlet started her running. We've discussed this and its kind of a therapy for her.
I've definitely tried talking to her about it. This morning when she 'busted' me for not really getting that into it, I asked, but its like speaking a foreign language. I'm glad that shes found a hobby that she likes. And I'm glad that it makes her happy. I'm in no way trying to stop her from doing this, and in fact I'm actively supporting it. But ultimately she's really excited and I'm not. I've been trying to fake it this whole time so she didn't lose morale, but the mask slipped a bit this morning....
You don't need to have a literal list of things, but do you really think it's that odd to have specific goals?
To be honest I don't get how you don't get it. Running is hard. Running a half marathon is really hard. If an absolute stranger I was talked to told me they could run a half marathon, I would be impressed at their physical conditioning. I'm not sure what "it's just running" is supposed to me - it is a completely meaningless statement.
If anything, humans have always had a special relationship to running - humans use to be predators who hunted by outrunning their prey in endurance hunts, after all. Just about everyone who has working legs has run before, and can therefore even better appreciate the physical prowess required in endurance running than a task that most people haven't tried.
If someone you know is trying to run a half marathon, that's an impressive goal. And if they reach, it's an impressive feat. Would there be any physical feat for which you could feel excitement for your wife accomplishing? Deadlifting 300 lbs? Climbing Mt. Everest? Is it something about running in particular or do you feel unable to empathize at all with athletes?
I'm definitely impressed with professional athletes. They (and thier families) livelihood depend on their performance, so there is definitely risk and reward. If my wife said to me "Honey, I'm going to be a professional endurance athlete. They make big bucks, and it could do alot for our family", then hell yes, I'd be very proud.
But picture this. Your spouse goes into a spare bedroom and puts down a top hat on the floor. They then stand 10 feet away and try to throw playing cards into the hat. At first they keep missing. But day after day for hours after dinner they keep trying to throw those cards in the hat. Until finally one day, they are so accurate, that they can throw 20 cards in a row into the hat.
"Not everyone can do that!" they say. "Look at all the hours of hard work that I put in!". "Even when I got so bored and felt like leaving the room, I stayed here and kept throwing cards."
Would you be "proud" of your spouse that can now throw some cards into a hat?
I don't think that really captures the difficulty of doing a half marathon. If my spouse could get to a card-throwing level where she can do some of the tricks and feats of professional card throwers in Vegas do, then hell yeah I'd be excited and proud.
Is that the only reason you're impressed with them, though? The risk aspect of it? Not the physical feat?
That's not the reason most people admire professional athletes. The "professional" part is just a heuristic that says "they're good at X". If it is the main reason you are impressed with the pros, well, to be honest that's pretty abnormal.
Would there be any physical, athletic feat that your spouse could perform, without monetary reward, that you would be impressed with?
First of all, thank you. I feel like you are actually trying to guide me to something here, and this has been one of the most helpful comments on my post. Exactly what I was looking for.
This really got me. If my wife got really good at martial arts, and won some sort of competition (or even entered it, she doesn't have to win) I think I'd be proud. That seems like something really useful and practical that could come in handy. She could keep herself and our kids safer.
But like would I be impressed if my 5'4 wife could dunk a basketball? Probably not. I don't see how that would benefit anyone other than her.
Apparently, my respect is hinging on whether the skill is practical and whether it can benefit anyone other than the athlete themselves.
Although, I value her being physically fit enough to run a couple miles if the situation called for it, I just don't view long distance running as a practical skill. I guess some would say its not about the running, but the ability to be disciplined and achieve a goal. Which is great, but its so abstract its hard for me to be so happy about it.
Well, I'm not a therapist or anything, so I don't think I can, or should, convince you otherwise. But I'd just note that this is pretty abnormal - if you were, by offchance, wondering if you were the crazy, or if your wife and her family were weirdos - no, it's you.
You seem to have an unusual fixation on your relationships being transactional - you only care when someone you know does something or accomplishes something that affects other people. If your wife does something that 1) earns the family more money or 2) could hypothetically protect your family in a dangerous situation, that is a worthy of respect. Otherwise, if it doesn't benefit you, you don't care. I'm not saying that's necessarily good or bad, just not usual.
I don't know if you can ever "get it" in that case on an emotional, as opposed to intellectual, level. Sometimes people are just wired differently than everyone else. I'd leave any further exploration to professionals.
By comparing it to throwing cards into a tophat, you're not recognizing the traditional value of running. It is something that is deeply rooted in human beings as a sign of health and wellness - being able to run a long distance has been the skill for millenia.
Honestly, the fact that the difference it makes for you is whether her hobby can make money or not is kind of saddening to me. The bar that she's set for herself might be arbitrary (though a marathon is about as real as the bar gets for running), but it's a goal that she's working towards as proof of her mind and body's capacity to do difficult things. I have to +1 the person that says this sounds a lot like jealousy.
I guess I shouldn't harp on about the money. That's misleading. It's more about the practical application of a skill.
A master craftsman that can create amazing art? Totally respect even if they are not making money from it.
Those guys at school that can spin a pen around their thumb and catch it? Not so much even if they had to work really hard at it.
Look I'm definitely not jealous. I have great self esteem, and I've got plenty of personal achievements under my belt so no reason for me to be. Its not that I want something that she has.
Yes dude. When we didn't have cars or telephones and messengers had to hand deliver letters on foot between villages, super useful skill to have. When we were hunter/gatherers, and long distance running meant that we could feed our tribe, again super useful skill to have. But these days beyond the benefits of fitness to run a few miles (which does not require running 13 miles), I don't really see the value in running.
I haven't been able to totally gather how old you are, but let's just say it doesn't matter. Assuming you're in your mid thirties with the child care comments, I think you should take a step back and analyze your approach to hobbies. I have friends that fly drones competitively, play DnD, collect books, run 100+ mile races in the mountains, and play the ukelele. This is just a few of the hobbies. When they are NEW hobbies especially, each friend is very talkative about these and I really enjoy learning about what they are passionate about.
Empathy is what your goal should be. She has a somewhat new hobby that could culminate (for her) with a half marathon. This is your wife we're talking about, the person you should support the most out of anyone.
Arrogance and your "great self esteem and plenty of personal achievements" are very clear, you had no need to write that sentence.
OK, trying not to get defensive, but my arrogance being very clear to you is making that difficult. I just said that to be clear that I'm not 'jealous' or resentful. And I'm secure with my own self.
Its great that you really enjoy all the subjects that your friends talk to you about. I guess I'm more selective. Sometimes my friends are doing something interesting to me, and I really like to hear about it. Sometimes they are doing something that I'm not interested in, and I listen politely.
I am supporting her in my own way. I listen to her talking about her running. If she needs time to train, I'll watch the kids. I even got her a gift certificate to a fancy running store so she can get her feet scanned and have a pro give her the best shoes for her marathon.
I'm happy that she's happy. But beyond that, I'm having trouble getting emotional about it.
Just throwing it out there - in our closest relationships, jealously is very rarely "I wish I could do that" and much more frequently something like "why does this person want to do this without me" or "why does this person want to do something that I feel is so out of character for them?" (and by implication - I therefore didn't know them as well as I thought I did, and that's upsetting when we're talking about life partners).
Reading between the lines, a lot of the stuff you are proud of your wife for doing seems to be stuff that fit into your general conception of who she was. Is it possible that you're reacting this way to running in part because it doesn't seem like something you would've thought she would like to do?
I can see by your other comments that you're recognizing that you're having a weird réaction to this. I can't say why that is for sure, but it's probably related to something like the above.
We may be getting way to far into the weeds with this one. When we first met, my wife was a very athletic and competitive person, so this is exactly the kind of thing that I would expect from her.
And we have 2 kids and I work from home, so I spend so much time with her. I'm totally fine to give her this thing to do alone, and completely understand. I really don't think its jealousy. More like why does everyone think this is such a big accomplishment? (and why don't I)
I think a big part is that it’s a milestone goal that a lot of people share. If there’s any jealousy at play here (not saying there is but others are saying it could be) maybe it’s down to so many people sharing your wife’s milestone. They’re able to relate to her personal story of progress. And maybe with your personal accomplishments they’re more niche?
I like to bike. I’ve done some big trips and rides that I’m very proud of. But the amount of people that hear I did my first century and can understand that is much smaller than those who can understand what training for a marathon is like. I do get plenty of “Wows!” though! I used to fantasize that I’d climb a mountain on my bike and someone at the top would be impressed - and then it happened twice!
Can you explain why the practical application is the important factor to you? If your wife could play the violin beautifully but didn't do performances, didn't make money from it, etc, would you consider that impressive?
I absolutely would. And I'm starting to see that its weird and arbitrary that I would respect her playing violin and not running.
Personally I find it a bit odd that you don't "get it". Not saying this to be confrontational but this feels like such a basic thing that the analogies you're coming up with are honestly just perplexing to me. Are you truly only impressed by physical feats of professional athletes? What's the cutoff? If she ran a full marathon would you be impressed? 100 miles? Across the country?
Running a half marathon is difficult both physically and mentally. It is something that a relatively small percentage of the population is able to do. It is good for your health. Having the physical and mental fortitude to do a difficult thing is usually seen as a positive quality in a partner, and typically people are proud of their partners' good qualities, especially when it takes hard work to develop them. It's not about being impressed or proud that she's just "running without stopping when she gets tired", its about being proud that she is achieving something she set her mind to, which is widely viewed as a hard thing, which is good for her health, which provides her fulfillment, etc.
In any case, I can understand why you don't have the exact same emotional investment as she does, but it sounds a bit like you don't have any emotional investment in this. Maybe this can be an opportunity to develop a hobby in common with your wife by getting in to running. Really trying to push yourself physically might help you to realize why everyone else is excited and impressed by these accomplishments.
You don't need to be excited, you are not running a marathon.
Yesterday I was very excited because I found a store that sells cheap, basic, plain white t-shirts that I need more and more in these global warming times. They fit perfectly in me, and I was proud that, at least in the plus-size section, I am actually the smallest size.
Was it silly to be excited about this? Kinda. Was my wife truly excited about this? Not really. Was she amused, loving, and kind in her reaction? Absolutely she was.
I can get excited by a perfect sandwich, a nice soap, a new TV show, or walking with my dogs.
I'm sure there are things you find exciting and your wife doesn't. Why is that an issue? Do you need her approval to enjoy something?
So yeah, you don't need to be excited. It's not your thing, so why should you?
I gotta be honest with you, and this will be harsh, but this sounds immature to me. This kind of conflict reminds me of my first girlfriend back in high school. And, even then, as a teenager, I soon realized that it was okay for me and my girlfriend to have different tastes.
Look, thanks for your honesty, but I think you're misunderstanding me. I completely agree that its fine to have separate interests. And I am kind and loving to my wife about her running. I've never discouraged it, and I always try to enable her by watching the kids to give her time for runs. Even the long 2 hour ones. I'm totally fine with her doing this.
But I'm not excited. And that's a problem for her. And ultimately a problem for me because now there's this divide between us where she feels that I'm not providing the emotional support that she wants. This is a really big deal for her, and I just don't care that much.
I see.
If the issue is that your wife is demanding you to show continuous artificial excitement about something you don't really care about, then the problem is not with your behavior anymore.
You can be loving, supportive, appreciative, and kind. But you don't care about running, and feeling that you must pretend that you do can be a pain.
I'm really trying to think of a comparison. Suppose I win a local Magic The Gathering tournament. I would expect my wife to be happy for me, but I wouldn't make her pretend that she loves Magic The Gathering...
I would suggest looking past the immediate practicality of running towards the deeper accomplishment. Distance running requires heaps of patience, discipline, and and mind over matter. These are deep human challenges that many folks spend a lifetime working on. Especially for people who never thought they could accomplish something physical like a half marathon, the growth is not about running, it's about becoming something they thought impossible. When you train for a half the first time, every week you're running the longest run of your life.
This is how I connect to feeling respect others for tasks I don't personally have an attachment to. The event is an arbitrary celebration of the months or years of effort that went into it. I look for the challenges overcome to create that moment. I think about the things that are truly difficult to me, and find the commonality between them and the effort behind the accomplishment.
I'll chime in here from the perspective of both someone who has run half and full marathons as well as someone whose partner does a lot of time consuming athletic activities.
The reason that running is cool is that anyone can do it (aside from the obvious situations of injury/disability), but not many people actually do. It can be very monotonous (I mean, you're just continually putting one foot in front of the other for miles upon miles), but strangely intense and rewarding. The first time I ran a half marathon I was amazed at how I simultaneously felt amazing but also aware that I probably couldn't run any further. My body had reached its max distance based on the level of fitness that I currently possessed. When I finally ran a full marathon I felt amazing for 20 miles, and then experienced some of the worst suffering I've ever endured for 6.2 miles (and those 2 tenths of a mile are the longest distance you will ever subjectively experience). The following day I could barely walk, I couldn't go up stairs, and even stepping up onto a curb was painful. And yet, I had a sense of accomplishment that I have found hard to match elsewhere in my life.
As to the in-the-moment experience, you do get a great endorphin rush, sometimes during the run (called "second wind"), but always after. You feel amazing even if you're 30 pounds overweight and haven't run in 6 months. I find it hard to match that sense of well-being with other forms of exercise. The main thing, though, is that it is 100% a psychological battle of you against yourself. Especially when you get towards the limit of your personal capabilities, you are having to overcome your own desire to stop with every consecutive step. "15 more miles" "One more mile" becomes "just get to the next corner" which becomes "just keep moving my feet." I have found that my ability to persevere in running has given me resiliency in other aspects of my life, including my mental health. This is in addition to the aforementioned sense of well-being.
My partner runs and hikes a lot (emphasis). She has run several marathons, and she qualified for (very important distinction from those who "purchase" entry through fundraising) and ran Boston this year. She also does mountaineering (has climbed several >14k peaks), and crazy long hikes (she does the Wildwood Trail in Portland every year, which is over 30 miles, in one day). I support her and find joy in what she does simply because she loves it. She is happier when she is able to do these things, and she gets depressed when she isn't able to. Granted, I think that I appreciate what she does more because I have done some of the same things.
I really appreciate you sharing, and it sounds very similar to many of the running stories that I've heard. My brother in law really tried to get me to read about this guy David Groggins, but the dude just sounded like a crazy zealot to me and not someone that I admired. (why brag about finishing a race with a broken leg? Is that good?)
I remember when I was a kid, I got stuck on this Mario level. I mean for weeks, I could never get past it. Finally, one day I beat it. I was sooo stoked. I ran to tell my parents, and my Dad says "Great job. Now go set the table for dinner". Like yes, he said the words great job, but obviously, he didn't give a shit. And I'm sure if I asked him about it a few days later he would have no idea what my accomplishment was. I feel like that now with my wife.
You don't need to get it... it's not your challenge to solve.
Again you're making this about you - it likely doesn't seem like a big deal to you, you didn't set the goal for this nor did you do the training for it.
Sorry that's a shitty attitude to have, I'm sure you have hobbies or interests that don't interest her - but it would be pretty shitty if you were super excited about one of them and she just went, yawn it's the same as stacking rocks in the back yard.
Should someone go through all the things you do that aren't good for your body? And why is that recovery period where his wife watched the kids a concern of yours in any way?
Why do people climb mountains? Why do people do video game programming jams where they do hard problems in a single weekend? why do people go to space? People are excited about setting a very difficult goal and achieving it. Seeing others achieve their goals can be incredibly motivating to others.
I don't know you, hell I don't even know if this is a true story or fan fiction like most of reddits /r/aitah is, but I'd say reading this you really need to worry less about what others are doing and get excited about something you are passionate about.
The fact that you wrote this much on a topic like this kind of screams you are looking for something.
Listen, I'M not making this about me. Until this occurred in my life, I thought things were totally fine. But now my wife, family, and strangers on the internet are telling me that I have a problem. So... they're the ones making it about me.
And besides the whole point of this post is asking for help to understand something that is genuinely foreign to me. Talking shit to me and passing your judgement is definitely not helping anyone.
This is not fan fiction, and I have many things that keep me fulfilled. I also have many things that I'm passionate about. My wife is not really into many of them, and its OK with me. They are for me. And as long as she allows me the time to do them, its totally fine.
This to me just seems like an auxiliary thing. Most of the things I do are because they're interesting to me personally, or they can help/benefit my friends and family in some way. I guess I don't live my life in increments by achievements.
This sounds like you're talking to a child. Why do people climb mountains? Some are worried about wasting thier life and trying to make the most of it. Some are looking for fame. Some are running from their real problems or using the mountain as a proxy for them. Some people are researching volcanoes. The list of WHYs is endless. Am I supposed to be proud of or respect all of those people?
Perhaps if you are to be a life partner of one of them the answer should be yes?
Then why write this post at all? Why not have the attitude she seems to and simply allow her the time to do them and move on with your life?
I agree
Reading this entire reply really makes me hope that you're lying here.
Everyone one else is wrong, you're clearly the one in the right... hopefully that made you feel better now.
In general, you will not truly understand the struggles and accomplishments of other people doing things you haven't experienced. If you want to share this experience with your wife, then you'll have to start running. Otherwise, you'll cheer her on without feeling it in the way she is. I don't think there's any way around that.