It is weird that American bars don't seem to exist for socialization with new people. I'm not a big bar-goer myself, but I have been to a local beer garden a few times. Maybe 3-4 times alone and a...
It is weird that American bars don't seem to exist for socialization with new people. I'm not a big bar-goer myself, but I have been to a local beer garden a few times. Maybe 3-4 times alone and a dozen or so times with 1-10 people (friends or co-workers). Never has anyone tried to join me when I was alone. Never has anyone tried to join a group I arrived with. Once a couple of staff joined a group of mine since we were there pretty late.
I live in a somewhat urban area. I don't want to say suburban because that could imply a housing project in the middle of nowhere. I'm a mile from a nice downtown. 25 miles in each direction from major cities. Maybe in other types of places this isn't the case - but sampling from my actual friends and people I know through work those that seem genuinely happy are mostly people with children. I don't know if that's a matter of correlation or causation. But it could be that the only way to live in a tightly-knit society is to create one from your own genes.
The sense of community in the few places I've lived is non-existent. Unless you're a regular attendee to religious services I don't think there's a good way to get to know the people you live near. With so many of my generation becoming atheists it would be great to have a secular religion.
Edit:
One small thing I do that helps me feel connected with the community is donating blood as often as they'll let me. The place I go to is a small building, so I've gotten to know the people that work/volunteer there. It's great to know I'm literally saving the lives of the people around me.
You can donate whole blood every 8 weeks, platelets every week and I believe plasma every 2 (they don't want my O+ plasma so I don't know as much about that).
Obviously whole blood is used for surgeries, gunshot victims, etc. I don't know everything they do with platelets, but if you Google their uses you'll get some stories about children with cancer able to feel normal again after chemo sucks their energy away and platelets bring it back.
I have been to a few places where this regularly happens in the US. There are at least 3 ingredients I think are necessary for it to work: You must be in a relatively progressive place. (This...
Never has anyone tried to join me when I was alone.
I have been to a few places where this regularly happens in the US. There are at least 3 ingredients I think are necessary for it to work:
You must be in a relatively progressive place. (This never happened when I lived in the US South, though I could imagine it happening someplace like Austin, Texas)
The place must be really crowded
You must be in a group
What I've had happen is you go to some really hot bar. You attempt to get a table. Inevitably, some other group also tries to get the same table at the same time. You size each other up and realize you're all just people trying to take a load off and let off some steam. Eventually one of you asks, "You wanna share?"
I mention condition 1 (you must be in a relatively progressive place) because it can be possible to send the wrong message, and in some parts of our country that can still be dangerous. What I mean is, if it's 2 groups of guys, it can end up seeming like one of you is hitting on the other. This did in fact happen to me once. I was about to grab a table and another guy also tried to grab it. He asked if I'd be willing to share, and I said sure. As I sat down with my wife, and he with his boyfriend, we realized we had different expectations of each other. But it ended up being pretty nice anyway. We all talked for about an hour and listened to some awesome jazz. (This was at the Green Mill in Chicago, by the way. I highly recommend going if you're ever in town.) If that same interaction had happened when I lived in Atlanta and our roles had been reversed, it could have ended badly. But then we probably wouldn't have ended up in the same bar in Atlanta, so maybe I'm overthinking it?
Condition 2 is required because otherwise why would you try to sit with other people? That just seems weird. There's plenty of space, get your own table!
I think condition 3 may not be strictly necessary, but it's more likely you're looking for a table if you're with others, and more likely the other party will see it as an opportunity to connect with someone else. It takes the pressure off a little. Just some thoughts.
EDIT: Also, thank you for giving blood! I used to give regularly, but trailed off in recent years. I gave right before the pandemic, but haven't since because it didn't seem safe to me. I just got my second vaccination, though, so I should probably start doing it again. My wife receives twice-weekly infusions of a medication made from human blood, so please know that it really is appreciated very deeply.
I have noticed as well that there is almost nowhere good to socialize that doesn't cost money. Previously if I wanted to meet friends, we would meet up in the city to get lunch or something but...
I have noticed as well that there is almost nowhere good to socialize that doesn't cost money. Previously if I wanted to meet friends, we would meet up in the city to get lunch or something but then there isn't really anything else to do or anywhere good to sit.
Now that I have moved out of my parents house and in to an apartment in the middle of the city, socializing is so much easier, better and cheaper. All of my friends can easily get here via public transport and we can all sit at my own table and chairs which doesn't cost anything and there is no noise or pressure to move on. And if we want to drink thats also even better since I can use my own fridge with cheaper drinks.
Moving to the city was for sure the best thing that ever happened for my social life. Although I will say, I didn't randomly meet these people here. I met them all online and now we have a good place to physically get together.
I was just about to post this exact story! Great and interesting find. As a non-drinker I’m fascinated at both the analysis of why people drink today and why they drank in the distant past.
I was just about to post this exact story! Great and interesting find. As a non-drinker I’m fascinated at both the analysis of why people drink today and why they drank in the distant past.
It is weird that American bars don't seem to exist for socialization with new people. I'm not a big bar-goer myself, but I have been to a local beer garden a few times. Maybe 3-4 times alone and a dozen or so times with 1-10 people (friends or co-workers). Never has anyone tried to join me when I was alone. Never has anyone tried to join a group I arrived with. Once a couple of staff joined a group of mine since we were there pretty late.
I live in a somewhat urban area. I don't want to say suburban because that could imply a housing project in the middle of nowhere. I'm a mile from a nice downtown. 25 miles in each direction from major cities. Maybe in other types of places this isn't the case - but sampling from my actual friends and people I know through work those that seem genuinely happy are mostly people with children. I don't know if that's a matter of correlation or causation. But it could be that the only way to live in a tightly-knit society is to create one from your own genes.
The sense of community in the few places I've lived is non-existent. Unless you're a regular attendee to religious services I don't think there's a good way to get to know the people you live near. With so many of my generation becoming atheists it would be great to have a secular religion.
Edit:
One small thing I do that helps me feel connected with the community is donating blood as often as they'll let me. The place I go to is a small building, so I've gotten to know the people that work/volunteer there. It's great to know I'm literally saving the lives of the people around me.
You can donate whole blood every 8 weeks, platelets every week and I believe plasma every 2 (they don't want my O+ plasma so I don't know as much about that).
Obviously whole blood is used for surgeries, gunshot victims, etc. I don't know everything they do with platelets, but if you Google their uses you'll get some stories about children with cancer able to feel normal again after chemo sucks their energy away and platelets bring it back.
I have been to a few places where this regularly happens in the US. There are at least 3 ingredients I think are necessary for it to work:
What I've had happen is you go to some really hot bar. You attempt to get a table. Inevitably, some other group also tries to get the same table at the same time. You size each other up and realize you're all just people trying to take a load off and let off some steam. Eventually one of you asks, "You wanna share?"
I mention condition 1 (you must be in a relatively progressive place) because it can be possible to send the wrong message, and in some parts of our country that can still be dangerous. What I mean is, if it's 2 groups of guys, it can end up seeming like one of you is hitting on the other. This did in fact happen to me once. I was about to grab a table and another guy also tried to grab it. He asked if I'd be willing to share, and I said sure. As I sat down with my wife, and he with his boyfriend, we realized we had different expectations of each other. But it ended up being pretty nice anyway. We all talked for about an hour and listened to some awesome jazz. (This was at the Green Mill in Chicago, by the way. I highly recommend going if you're ever in town.) If that same interaction had happened when I lived in Atlanta and our roles had been reversed, it could have ended badly. But then we probably wouldn't have ended up in the same bar in Atlanta, so maybe I'm overthinking it?
Condition 2 is required because otherwise why would you try to sit with other people? That just seems weird. There's plenty of space, get your own table!
I think condition 3 may not be strictly necessary, but it's more likely you're looking for a table if you're with others, and more likely the other party will see it as an opportunity to connect with someone else. It takes the pressure off a little. Just some thoughts.
EDIT: Also, thank you for giving blood! I used to give regularly, but trailed off in recent years. I gave right before the pandemic, but haven't since because it didn't seem safe to me. I just got my second vaccination, though, so I should probably start doing it again. My wife receives twice-weekly infusions of a medication made from human blood, so please know that it really is appreciated very deeply.
I have noticed as well that there is almost nowhere good to socialize that doesn't cost money. Previously if I wanted to meet friends, we would meet up in the city to get lunch or something but then there isn't really anything else to do or anywhere good to sit.
Now that I have moved out of my parents house and in to an apartment in the middle of the city, socializing is so much easier, better and cheaper. All of my friends can easily get here via public transport and we can all sit at my own table and chairs which doesn't cost anything and there is no noise or pressure to move on. And if we want to drink thats also even better since I can use my own fridge with cheaper drinks.
Moving to the city was for sure the best thing that ever happened for my social life. Although I will say, I didn't randomly meet these people here. I met them all online and now we have a good place to physically get together.
I was just about to post this exact story! Great and interesting find. As a non-drinker I’m fascinated at both the analysis of why people drink today and why they drank in the distant past.