Just finished my first twitch stream in a while. It wasn't great, but for once, that's actually okay.
My head was all over the place, I played really badly, I lost the run I was playing much quicker than expected, and decided to end stream early because of it... but despite all that, I'm weirdly happy about the whole thing anyway.
One of my big goals for 2024 is to stream a lot more often. For context, I've been off work on medical leave for a good long while now, and I find streaming to be (very fun but also) draining in a similar way to how work was draining - like in how "on" you have to be, and how much multitasking you have to do, that sort of thing. And so the main reason I streamed so rarely last year is that I rarely felt "on" enough to be at 100% for all that, and I worried that I wouldn't be doing a good enough job.
Today was the 1 year anniversary of when I first started playing the game I'm obsessed with these days, so I really wanted to do a special "anniversary" stream today, which for obvious reasons couldn't really be rescheduled. My brain did feel kind of fuzzy going in, and if it were any other day, I definitely wouldn't have decided to stream at all... but I'd been hyping up this idea to myself for a while, and knew I'd regret it if I bailed at the last minute, so I pushed myself to go live anyway.
And yeah, like I started this off by saying, the stream definitely wasn't perfect. I didn't play super well, made a bunch of boneheaded decisions, caught myself mentally drifting off every so often and not either playing the game or talking to chat or just being an engaging streamer at all. I lost a run that I for sure could have gotten further with if I played a bit smarter.
BUT!
I did it. I did the thing, and I still had fun, and my friends who tuned in as viewers seemed to have fun too. At the end of the day, that should really be all that matters.
I could very easily take today as a bad omen for the year to come... as in like, I'm gonna be mushy brained and keep doing embarrassing mediocre streams, because that's clearly all I'm capable of, blah blah blah. Past-me definitely would have latched onto that train of thought, hard. But right now, mostly what I'm feeling is just... proud. Proud of myself for not letting perfect be the enemy of good today for once, for actually putting myself out there, for not putting so much stock in "I have to be good at the games I play" as like part of my identity or anything (which I used to have a ton of bugaboos about, as a woman who used to play in a lot of sexist male-dominated spaces... it was kind of like, I have to be great at this game, or I'm just encouraging their sexism so much more and letting all other women down because of it, therefore I can't ever afford to be bad at games and especially not when someone else might see). I can finally feel myself starting to let go of a lot of those old toxic ideas, and while I know I still have a ways left to go with it, it already feels incredibly liberating.
Throughout my struggles with chronic illness these past few years, I've been trying my best for some time now to accept myself for where I'm at, instead of berating myself for not yet getting back to where I want to be. Moments like these are really nice reminders that that isn't nearly as hard as it used to be. :)
So, yeah. Thanks for reading. Here's hoping this story resonates with at least a few of you -- and here's to (hopefully) many more mediocre non-ideal streams to come this year, and maybe a few half-decent ones too if I'm lucky 😅
Congratulations for pushing through and having a good time! I definitely know what you mean about the pressure to be 'on', but I think there's something to be said for a more relaxed stream which is more hanging out with friends than needing to put on a performance.
What was the game, if you don't mind me asking?
Slay the Spire, a deckbuilding roguelike game with an insane amount of depth to it. Tons to juggle and keep track of when you play on max ascension (difficulty) like I do. And thanks for the congratulations :)
I completely understand what you mean about those more relaxed streams, but that's kind of not the point for me right now - at least not entirely. I'm hoping to use streaming as a way to push myself back into that kind of "on" headspace more often and get more comfortable with it again, while still in a fun and enjoyable environment surrounded by friends with no real stakes to it. My hope is that, once I'm able to stream like that relatively consistently again, I can use that as a litmus test to indicate that I might be ready to go back to the workforce again too, at least part time. I'm not by any means trying to be super serious about "putting on a show" for my streams, or worrying about coming across as professional and polished, or anything like that - they are still largely a way to hang out with online friends - but if I lean into that relaxed hangout vibe too much, it kind of stops being the useful litmus test that I'm looking for out of it.
Congratulations!!! You did a thing!!
As a fellow gamer who doesn't play live games because I frankly am a radioactive liability to team mates, streaming a game is terrifying. So good job there definitely. And maybe less than perfect games are actually fun to watch too....I've been watching a lot of Trombone Champ recently and always go for the non auto-tuned videos.
I think there's so much more success here than how just that one live game played out: you've been taking breaks when you need them, you're staring down your chronic condition, you let your friends know how you're doing and let them know you're doing a thing, you're maintaining a hobby during rough times, you set a goal and did a thing (!!!), and you didn't let the outcome of the game or other flaws take away the overall success! You've demonstrated taking care of yourself, maintaining select social contact, goal setting, pushing slightly beyond comfort, overcoming adversity and choosing to focus on success. :D these are all really really encouraging signs. Congratulations again