16 votes

For now.

Hi everyone.

Hello to all the new faces who don't know my name - (or how out of character it is that there are capital letters in this post!) This isn't really for you - or for anyone in particular I guess; I just wanted to write something to those who have followed my work on here.

So, you.

Howdy.

It's been a minute.

I just wanted to give you all a quick update; let you know that I'm safe. I've had a few of you reach out to me since my last post. I hope I didn't scare anybody.

For those interested - things... aren't all that better now, hahaha. Sorry.

But the good news is, they're trending up in a really good way.

I've decided to stop drinking for awhile; I figured that isn't really helping my cause at this point. I'll pick that back up when there's something worth celebrating, when I'm in better company, and when I'm back in control of myself.

I've started getting a lot more interviews for work; shouldn't be long now until I have a position landed and I'm back to being a functioning adult.

And uh - I started therapy. Been about a month now. I like my therapist, they're very sweet, very weird in a fun/eclectic kind of way. (My kinda person.) And that's been going well.

In fact, that's part of this.

It's not just Tildes I abandoned.

I've let a lot of very important people to be fall to the wayside lately - total isolation. Tonight, I started calling them back, apologizing, letting them know what was going on. And that's gone well so far.

Now I'm here doing the same for you.

I don't know if I'll be back on Tildes all too frequently. There's a lot on here I might just need to let rest.

So I just wanted to say that I'm here. I love you. I'm sorry. And, bye.

For now.


eyes crackle open

half past three

stomach on fire and

my body feels meek

i stumble out my chair

and here the creak in my knees

you're only in your twenties

and you're living ninety

.

my head feels funny

and i'm tired of the numbing

and there's too much week

at the end of my money

a little bumblebee lost

wishing for his honey

beat my head against the hive

until the world starts buzzing

and it falls.

.

and i

set

foot

down

on that unpaved road

step

forward like an orphan

on a search for a home

walk

forward hand to God

if he answers my call

honey (i'll) be

leaving for now

hope it won't be long

.

soul

full of gravel and

a heart made of gold

imma

face my music and

play my song

send

me down to hell

if it rights my wrongs

honeybee

i'm leaving for now

hope it won't be long.

5 comments

  1. cfabbro (edited ) Link
    It's great to see you on here again... and it's nice to know you're doing alright! Thanks for the update. Huge congrats on both! A good therapist that you can relate to is worth their weight in...

    It's great to see you on here again... and it's nice to know you're doing alright! Thanks for the update.

    I've decided to stop drinking for awhile... And uh - I started therapy. Been about a month now. I like my therapist, they're very sweet, very weird in a fun/eclectic kind of way. (My kinda person.) And that's been going well.

    Huge congrats on both! A good therapist that you can relate to is worth their weight in gold.... truly. Hold on to them if you can.

    I've let a lot of very important people to be fall to the wayside lately - total isolation. Tonight, I started calling them back, apologizing, letting them know what was going on. And that's gone well so far.

    I have also had to "disappear" for a few months at a time on quite a few occasions throughout my life, for my own mental well being. Some of those were "acute event" hospitalizations, which I didn't really have much control over, others were just voluntary sabbaticals to prevent a meltdown. And while I normally try to at least give people some indication I am going to do that, sometimes it's not always possible. But in my experience, most people (especially friends) are very understanding. They worry when they don't hear from you in a while, but that's because they care about you and want to know you're safe... but once they are made aware of what happened, they don't usually hold it against you when you resurface again.

    I don't know if I'll be back on Tildes all too frequently. There's a lot on here I might just need to let rest.

    Totally understandable. Real life > Tildes. Keep yourself safe, healthy and do what's best for you!

    10 votes
  2. clerical_terrors Link
    Glad to see you're still writing and that things are getting a little bit better!

    Glad to see you're still writing and that things are getting a little bit better!

    7 votes
  3. Arthur Link
    I'm not really saying anything new that hasn't already been said but just thought I'd write a little comment anyway. I'm really glad that things are going in the right direction even if things...

    I'm not really saying anything new that hasn't already been said but just thought I'd write a little comment anyway. I'm really glad that things are going in the right direction even if things still aren't great. It's nice to see this update and I hope therapy goes well for you. As others have said, we really love your writing and love seeing it on here, but what we care more about is that you're doing okay and if that means leaving tildes for a bit then we all support that.

    Thanks again, and I really hope things get better for you :)

    5 votes
  4. kfwyre (edited ) Link
    It's good to hear from you! I always enjoyed reading what you wrote, and I'm glad things are better for you right now. Know that you're always welcome here, but you have no obligation to us...

    It's good to hear from you! I always enjoyed reading what you wrote, and I'm glad things are better for you right now. Know that you're always welcome here, but you have no obligation to us either! If you need to step back from Tildes or the screen in general, that's totally fine.

    While I've enjoyed reading all of your poems, this one is a definite standout. The bee motif is very cleverly executed, and I keep getting stuck on "and there's too much week / at the end of my money." Powerful.

    Thank you, as always, for sharing your talent with us. I wish you the best.

    3 votes
  5. retiredrugger Link
    I'm glad things are starting to look up!

    I'm glad things are starting to look up!

    3 votes