12 votes

bűnös & fáj

i intended to actually post these like three days ago but that didn't happen because it has to be super fucking late for me to even want to post these and unfortunately they've now aged sufficiently that i categorize them firmly in the "intensely mediocre" column with everything i ever do. unfortunate, tbh. anyways here's stuff:

bűnös

UP AGAINST THE WALL, MOTHERFUCKER—
or i'll shatter your bones
and crush your heart—
to dance with me is to dance
a fine line that wrenches two worlds apart

for on one side there is a hall of saints—
on the other
the brimstone of hell—
and to stay on the side of the hall of saints
is something you'd best do well.

and brave souls that dare toe the line—
that cross it
are mighty thin—
and their ranks are made of anarchists
who commit most grievous sin.

UP AGAINST THE WALL, MOTHERFUCKER—
state your allegiance
to the vaunted line—
or soon you too shall join the ranks
of those who deserve malign.


fáj

when i was seventeen
the panic attacks began.
the nightmares.
the violence. the violence. the violence.

violence is a funny little thing—
insidious, slithering in through one grate
and out the other.
it always begins with little things,
little fantasies in one ear and out the other.
dreams here and there, manufacturing terror and hurt.
invasive thoughts, marching to an intensifying drumbeat.
one offs.

it's not normal to
want to hurt so bad.
it's not normal to
want to cut yourself everywhere,
is it?
to feel those feelings,
to bear them like a cross shackled on your back?
to wish some days you could cut to the bone
even though you're afraid of blood?
to mutilate yourself until you can't feel anymore
even though you know those feelings are irrational?
to wish you could die violently, publicly
even though you're afraid of death?

violence isn't a very funny little thing—
terrifying, inescapable and ever recurring
one night after the other.
it was the little things once,
the little fantasies that used to be but now
consume the dreams, the
waking thoughts, becoming a great crescendo.
every day.

when i was nineteen
the panic attacks were normal.
the nightmares.
the violence.

9 comments

  1. [4]
    thejumpingbulldog
    Link
    Woah. They seem very cathartic. Are you doing well OP?

    Woah. They seem very cathartic. Are you doing well OP?

    3 votes
    1. [3]
      alyaza
      Link Parent
      oh, people actually have questions i guess i can't ignore this thread whoops in general, about as well as you can do with a probably undiagnosed volatile mental disorder? it's one of those things...

      oh, people actually have questions i guess i can't ignore this thread whoops

      in general, about as well as you can do with a probably undiagnosed volatile mental disorder? it's one of those things ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      4 votes
      1. thejumpingbulldog
        Link Parent
        Also I just wanted to say that I think we have bumped into each other a few times on this site, about politics and what not, and I appreciate your presence hear. Have a good day. :)

        Also I just wanted to say that I think we have bumped into each other a few times on this site, about politics and what not, and I appreciate your presence hear. Have a good day. :)

        4 votes
  2. [3]
    kfwyre
    Link
    The first one is really powerful. I don't know if you were trying to capture a moment of police brutality, but that is how I read it. Compelling.

    The first one is really powerful. I don't know if you were trying to capture a moment of police brutality, but that is how I read it. Compelling.

    3 votes
    1. [2]
      cfabbro
      (edited )
      Link Parent
      That's basically how I read the first one too; police brutality in an authoritarian state. And neither is "intensely mediocre" either IMO, @alyaza. They are both incredibly evocative, powerful,...

      That's basically how I read the first one too; police brutality in an authoritarian state. And neither is "intensely mediocre" either IMO, @alyaza. They are both incredibly evocative, powerful, and as someone with panic disorder, the second one especially really spoke to me.

      p.s. Do the titles of them mean anything in particular?

      4 votes
      1. alyaza
        Link Parent
        fáj is a hungarian verb which means to hurt (the conjugation tables for hungarian verbs would lead me to believe that fáj specifically is either in the 2nd person formal or 3rd person depending on...

        p.s. Do the titles of them mean anything in particular?

        fáj is a hungarian verb which means to hurt (the conjugation tables for hungarian verbs would lead me to believe that fáj specifically is either in the 2nd person formal or 3rd person depending on how you use it); bűnös can mean any number of things ranging from criminal guilt to sinful to being figuratively wicked or evil, depending on how you want to translate it. (you'll notice then that those titles track fairly well with the subject matter)

        5 votes
  3. jgb
    Link
    Love the first stanza of the first one. I must admit that a lot of the poetry that gets posted on Tildes fails to strike a chord with me but this does.

    Love the first stanza of the first one. I must admit that a lot of the poetry that gets posted on Tildes fails to strike a chord with me but this does.

    3 votes