This one goes out to all of my trans brothers and sisters
Wow, I was actually kinda shocked to see how many of us were trans over in this thread and thought maybe to create another ~talk to mainly focus on our group as a whole. I know that for some of us that being trans isn't how we define ourselves, but I wanted to appreciate that there are already quite a few of us that are trans.
I remember how several years ago when Voat was new (and before I realized it was full of literal Nazis) there started to be a small group of trans folk that tried to establish themselves before being driven away... But I have a great feels that we're already being wholly accepted here.
Anyways, I'm @Ten and have been trying to transition since 2011 and while this may technically be my fourth attempt I still have not been able to start HRT due to unfortunate situations in my life, maybe by the time I'm 40 I'll finally start. Are there any of you that have had to face adversity throughout your journey of transition?
Let's not forget our siblings of other identities too!
I was actually just talking about this on discord a few minutes ago, I had some bad experiences with gatekeeping when I was trying to start HRT. Years ago, I was going to a specialized Gender and Sexual Health Clinic and had the worst therapist. They were supposedly specialized in gender related issues, but holy moly... At one point they literally started delaying me starting medication because of my choice in clothes. Apparently jeans and sweatshirt weren't feminine enough to prove to them that I might need HRT to help deal with my dysphoria. They expected me to wear something like a skirt or blouse for them to take my desire to transition seriously. Also asking me to out myself to people I know (who had previously expressed extremely transphobic things) without any assurance whether I would actually receive treatment after doing so. The whole "torture yourself for me, and then maybe I'll consider helping you" shebang.
A year or so later I jumped through enough hoops to get the prescription. HRT basically saved my life from that point onward, just tremendously helped my mental state. Transition's been going steadily ever since and it's just been getting better and better. Ironically I had to move away from that clinic and they couldn't keep refreshing my script. I wound up going DIY anyways because wait lists everywhere are 6 months+, so all that shit I endured was ultimately pretty useless outside teaching me to not trust everyone.
Are you involved with the community at all? I've tried but they always think I'm there supporting someone, and when I tell them I'm trans I either get creepy trans lesbian predators swarming me or treated passive aggressively.
I had a lady at a support group tell me that my problems weren't as pertinent once.
Yea I know it's controversial but I don't really identify as trans since my life looks so heteronormative and kind of like any other womans. My struggles are pretty gold plated and mostly involve men...
I only like to date straight guys so it's kind of tough. It sucks getting hit on and asked out only to have to eventually tell them and get dumped. It's pretty heart breaking when a guy is infatuated with you and it just ends overnight. It's a numbers game tho. Post SRS I think my luck will be a little better.
If you're stealth, and no one can "prove" you used to be male I think straight guys are just more comfortable with trans women that have vaginas. I'm also not interested in someone who's into girls that have a penis. It might be transphobic of them, but I get it. I never want to be treated as anything other than a straight female and want a guy that prefers vagina.
My "favorite" scenario was when I'd been hanging out with this super cute guy for like two weeks. We were really into each other, hung out like 7 out of 14 days, made out like whoa, he's "letting everyone know" I'm with him, he clearly wants to fuck me bad... basically exactly what I want to a T.
So we ended up taking things further and I gave him a bj a couple times but wouldn't let him touch me below the waist. He finally pushed to know why and I told him. Asshole says "come over so we can talk about it I really like you but I never thought I'd be in this position."
So I go over, and he's super sweet. We do the whole sitting across from each other cross legged with the lights low sixteen candles style... I'm dying because I'm like "holy shit, maybe this will actually work unlike the other 30 guys I've dated in the past year... Maybe he's the first one who isn't a total pussy."
So I'm all warm and fuzzy, he makes a move and we sleep together for the first time. The night prior he'd been all sad puppy because I wouldn't spend the night, right? Well we're laying there naked after great sex and I go
"so, I'm sorry I wouldn't stay last nite but I'm totally down to stay tonite..."
Fucking asshole piece of garbage says
"I'm not really sure about how I feel about all of this and I need time to think."
I lost my fucking shit. I just cried and was like OMG I've never felt so taken advantage of and manipulated in my life, yada yada yada and stormed out. I'm literally more jaded from dating men for two years than I ever was dating women for the first part of my life...
Honestly I wish I was into chicks or other trans women but I'm just not at all. It seems like it'd be easier. Oh well.
I divulge on tinder and stuff but when it's an IRL situation where they pursue you it's really hard to tell them right away. It's like "wow, I date a lot and whatever but this is what being pursued by a guy feels like to a cis girl."
It feels natural in a way online dating never really does and it makes it more exciting etc. like dating used to be. Especially if the guy's all confident and big, he's cute, and he's got game. Being pursued like your cis by real life guys who you're into is kind of the peak of my experience so far post transition. I feel like that sounds pathetic but it's true. The validation is pretty intoxicating and hard to deny myself.
I also always convince myself that there's no way they don't have some inkling and I'm always genuinely surprised when they tell me they didn't know.
I don't know how much dating you've done online but in two years I've had one guy that just wasn't interested when he went back and read my profile.
Every single other guy I've talked to that I've liked has gone out with me at least once or twice. That one guy was out of probably 2000 I matched with, 500 I talked to at length, and 50 I went on dates with that just wasn't interested because I was trans.
If you're pretty and you pass straight cis guys will almost always go on a date with you, and they won't hide you like you're a secret either.
They always either say "well, I didn't catch that in your profile, and I had no clue from looking at your pictures, so I don't have any problem going out with you" or they say "I've never been with a trans girl but you're really pretty and I'm open minded. You just seem like a really cool girl to me." Then they ask how tall I am lol.
I've dated a few guys for little lengths of time and had a lot of like first, second and third dates. The guys who you hang out with a ton end up hitting this point, which I like to call "world's colliding" where it might be possible that you start randomly meeting their friends.
They get scared someone will know (they never would) and that they'll be considered gay, or whatever, and they just disappear or get distant and eventually fade out. Even if you were definitely becoming a thing and they were super into you.
Being desirable, passing, and not getting the benefits out of it is kind of the cruelest thing in the world if I'm being honest. You just start feeling like a sex toy or a throw away person even though the dating never starts that way. You also almost never find out what it was either.
I'm always like, aside from the pre op situation is there something else I'm doing that's bursting their bubble? Is it the stigma? Did I accidently talk out loud in my sleep in a deeper voice? Any of those things are possible and it sucks not really knowing, while feeling the pressure to be perfect because you're trans.
Dating sucks, but I feel like it especially sucks even for the most flawless trans girl. But good luck! I hope you have a better experience than mine. I wish a really masculine popular male celebrity would date a really beautiful known trans girl publicly. It'd seriously change A LOT. At least for girls that pass.
I’m sorry you’ve had that experience. Online communities like different subreddits really helped, but I’ve seen a lot of creepy shit and harassment bleed through. Like @Ten said, hoping this could be a place where we don’t have to face that while we share our experiences.
I am a straight, white, cis-gender male, but know that I welcome you wholeheartedly.
I'm really glad that we have lots of LGBTQ+ representation going on here already. I'm MtF, and around 15 months HRT. I'm still (somehow) closeted to most people but I'll probably come out in the next few months. Can't wait, but also a little terrified.
I came out when I was working a corporate sales job. My clothes were baggy (hiding ass and boobs), my hair was longer because I was growing it out and hiding a feminizing hair line transplant as it grew in.
I was already suicidal getting up and putting on men's clothes everyday, when my boss pulled me into his office and short of telling me to dress differently and get my hair cut explained that people like to buy from people who "look like them."
Came out right then and there because there was no fucking way I was cutting my hair, and I was at my breaking point after two years on hrt and not being able to live my truth. I got let go 3 months later over it but it was 100% worth it.
Old guard here, started transitioning back in late 2008. I mostly stay away from the activism side of things now, too much burnout and too much anxiety from shit that's happened in my life.
I've had a lot of shit happen that i prefer not to think about - beaten up and left with a concussion 3 months in because a guy was attracted to me, then found out i was trans ( pro tip for anyone starting transition... work on your voice. Trust me on this.)
Later on was sexually assaulted, and too damn close to a situation where i might be murdered because the fuckwit found out i was trans. These days i mostly just stay in my house, and hang out with my girlfriend. It's not the most action packed way to live life, but at least it feels safe here.
I know it’s not much but I feel thankful for people like you<3 you’ve made things easier for me and I want to follow in your steps to keep fighting
Voice is such a huge factor that gets overlooked. Also pro tip, getting rid of resonance is way more important than pitch and you'll sound more real.
The number of trans girls I know who pass on site and then get misgendered once they speak but are unwilling to work on their voice is unreal. They get so upset but they aren't willing to put in the foot work. You could be super fem and very pretty but if you sound like a dude you're going to get referred to as one more often than not.
Facial hair removal is also a huge factor followed by mannerisms, style of dress, makeup skills, and how you walk. If you care about passing but don't put in the work you'll never pass.
I worked on voice and how I walked for prob 6 months prior to going full time and I've only ever been misgendered twice very early on when keeping the voice up 24 hours a day is tough because your neck muscles aren't strong enough yet, and once because I hadn't gotten my name changed on my ID and the guy who checked it switched to male pronouns on the fly.
Was lame because he was clearly interested up til that point.