23 votes

In the dating market, people compete ferociously for partners with qualities that do not increase their chances of romantic happiness

13 comments

  1. [8]
    lou
    (edited )
    Link
    That's not at all surprising. In my subjective observations many men want women that are white, thin, young, and supermodel-like (or some other highly specific combination). By doing that you...

    That's not at all surprising. In my subjective observations many men want women that are white, thin, young, and supermodel-like (or some other highly specific combination). By doing that you greatly reduce your dating pool, right from the start. Maybe the woman of your life is non-white, has crooked teeth, or is slightly overweight (which doesn't mean any less beautiful, by the way). And you're the one missing out.

    4 votes
    1. [6]
      teaearlgraycold
      Link Parent
      I’ve only recently started dating, so I’m still figuring things out. But I think it’s more complicated than you’re letting on. I have my own expectations of the partner I’m looking for. But since...

      I’ve only recently started dating, so I’m still figuring things out. But I think it’s more complicated than you’re letting on. I have my own expectations of the partner I’m looking for. But since I have so little experience I’ve been willing to challenge those expectations to really test them out in reality.

      One woman I dated was a graduate student. She was very smart, attractive, fit and a good conversationalist. But she had different political views from me. I found it validating that political views were not on the article’s list of inconsequential compatibility factors. More importantly, there were inklings of immaturity that I wasn’t sure I could be comfortable with long term. She has a pretty relaxed attitude to her friends’ sometimes reckless and racist behavior. People are hoping to put their best image out there when dating so the pessimist in me assumes people to share their friends’ worst traits. I hope it’s a good proxy for knowing them more deeply.

      Another woman was nearly a perfect match. But right from the start I knew I didn’t find her aesthetically attractive. It’s hard to find someone that is genuinely happy, shares your political beliefs, takes good care of themselves and others, is your age, lives in the area, and seems to have a fruitful life ahead of them. So I hoped that all of those positive traits could lead to a positive subjective perception of her appearance. After a month I didn’t feel any progress on that front. So to prevent heartbreak I cut things off. The problem was I felt obligated to find the person I was dating aesthetically attractive. And to know I specifically did not felt like I was keeping a tremendous secret. Finding someone ugly is not something I can imagine ever telling anyone, let alone a romantic partner.

      I really wished it didn’t matter. But it did. So now I’m in the position where I am looking for someone that has it all. Why not shoot for attractive, fit, smart, happy, successful, kind, and responsible?

      7 votes
      1. [5]
        lou
        (edited )
        Link Parent
        I don't think we're talking about the same thing -- not really, at least. What you're going through are the regular and unavoidable motions of dating. Compatibility is extremely important. I was...

        I don't think we're talking about the same thing -- not really, at least. What you're going through are the regular and unavoidable motions of dating. Compatibility is extremely important. I was talking about something related but distinct: the hyper idealization of a "perfect" partner which must possess a very specific set of attributes, greatly reducing the amount of people you consider "datable", to your own detriment.

        2 votes
        1. [4]
          teaearlgraycold
          Link Parent
          Yeah - there are a lot of types of people that would be perfect. But even with my set of desired attributes I feel I’m looking for a 1 in 10,000 kind of person.

          Yeah - there are a lot of types of people that would be perfect. But even with my set of desired attributes I feel I’m looking for a 1 in 10,000 kind of person.

          3 votes
          1. [2]
            post_below
            Link Parent
            Based on the numbers it's impossibly hard. In actual practice it happens in spite of the daunting odds, for many anyway. Which implies that the odds are missing some data :) Excepting amazing...

            Based on the numbers it's impossibly hard. In actual practice it happens in spite of the daunting odds, for many anyway. Which implies that the odds are missing some data :)

            Excepting amazing luck, there's going to be a lot of trial and error. Finding what you don't want is part of the recipe for finding the one. And you learn a lot about yourself in relationships that aren't the right fit.

            Perhaps it's stating the obvious, but finding the perfect (on paper) person doesn't necessarily mean you get an amazing relationship. It's 50% you and in my experience people have to do a lot of work on themselves to get to a place where they can show up for their ideal relationship.

            5 votes
            1. teaearlgraycold
              Link Parent
              I at least have the right velocity there. But I’m still looking even if I know I’m not my best self yet.

              I at least have the right velocity there. But I’m still looking even if I know I’m not my best self yet.

              2 votes
          2. lou
            Link Parent
            Dating is hard. Looking for a life partner is supposed to require at least some effort, finding someone that is both compatible and attractive (for any person in particular) requires a complicated...

            Dating is hard. Looking for a life partner is supposed to require at least some effort, finding someone that is both compatible and attractive (for any person in particular) requires a complicated set of combinations. But a lot of it is not rational, and really shouldn't be rational.

            1 vote
    2. DrStone
      Link Parent
      I thought the stats published previously from online dating sites like OkCupid showed more of the opposite. If I remember right, women rated most men below average attractiveness and most of their...

      I thought the stats published previously from online dating sites like OkCupid showed more of the opposite. If I remember right, women rated most men below average attractiveness and most of their attention was focused on the top tier, while men rated women closer to a bell curve and were more willing to take a chance on "lower" tiers, with certain specific groups like black women and asian men being particularly unpopular.

      7 votes
  2. [4]
    Wulfsta
    Link
    This seems suspicious.

    people are 11.3 percent more likely to match with someone who shares their initials

    This seems suspicious.

    1 vote
    1. [2]
      knocklessmonster
      Link Parent
      It may be what the data reflects, but in any statistics course I took they banged the drum of "correlation does not mean causation." The justification makes sense, but I it feels like one of those...

      It may be what the data reflects, but in any statistics course I took they banged the drum of "correlation does not mean causation."

      The justification makes sense, but I it feels like one of those points that needs a *More Research Needed note.

      4 votes
      1. Wulfsta
        Link Parent
        My thoughts are that the distribution of initials is not uniform and somehow this is reflected in the probability of picking someone with the same initials…

        My thoughts are that the distribution of initials is not uniform and somehow this is reflected in the probability of picking someone with the same initials…

        4 votes
    2. HotPants
      Link Parent
      While 46% of men swipe right, only 14% of women swipe right. Lets say that you get a 10% match rate, which means both parties swipe right on each other. For there to be an 11.3% increase in...

      While 46% of men swipe right, only 14% of women swipe right. Lets say that you get a 10% match rate, which means both parties swipe right on each other. For there to be an 11.3% increase in matching with someone due to sharing initials that means 11% of those who share initials swipe right vs 10% of those who do not share initials swipe right.

      1 vote