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Hi, how are you? Mental health support and discussion thread (March 2023)
This is a monthly thread for those who need it. Vent, share your experiences, ask for advice, talk about how you are doing. Let's make this a compassionate space for all who may need one.
For the past few years, I've been struggling a lot with anxiety and depression. But, I've never had a chance to try antidepressants before, because I was (mis)diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my childhood. (Because SSRIs can induce mania in people with bipolar disorder, every psychiatrist I've seen has refused to prescribe them.) I've been fighting for a long time to "overturn" my false diagnosis (through several psychiatric reevaluations), but despite this, my current family doctor has resisted, and it's caused a lot of friction and distrust between me and her.
She did however refer me to a new psychiatrist. And... this person was much more understanding? She was willing to prescribe! So, I've finally started on an SSRI, something that's felt like an impossibility for so long now. I'm about 2 weeks in on 5mg of escitalopram, and I haven't noticed any changes, which feels like both a good and bad thing. (I'm praying no mania... I want to be affirmed in my belief that it was a misdiagnosis.)
Wish me luck!
Antidepressants are powerful, proven, and cheap, and it's great that you are now able to use them. I have used escitalopram with good results. Unfortunately, I actually am bipolar so I had to discontinue it. You'll likely feel better in 15 to 30 days.
NSFW
This medication has a documented side effect that may or may not disappear after using it for a while. If you happen to own a penis, it is possible that the tip of the penis will lose a little sensibility during sex. You may require more stimulation, and partners may appreciate you're ability to last longer. In fact, antidepressants such as escitalopram are often prescribed for premature ejaculation. In any case, such effects are not permanent.
Thank you for the reply! It's comforting to read that things will get better. <3
NSFW
Gosh, that's a real bummer to hear... :(
Super extra TMI incoming. You've been warned!
I'm transfem, and I've been on HRT for about half a year now. (Testosterone blockers typically have a negative effect on a person's libido, and I've been no exception.) Whether it's that, or the depression, or my past sexual trauma, I'm currently at a point where I'm hardly able to get into the mood or feel sensation at the head of my penis at all, even before starting escitalopram. Oddly, I can easily get and stay hard? But it takes me a long time to reach orgasm, even without the added effects you describe, and it hardly feels pleasurable during the process. My partner does indeed appreciate this during penetration (she's rare in that she's an AFAB person who's easily able to reach orgasm multiple times purely via penetration), but... I get little to no enjoyment out of sex right now, beyond the joy I get from giving my partner pleasure.
I used to be a horny person who loved sex (I'm definitely not ace), but my god have the last 5 years completely stolen any sense of pleasure away from me. The one-two punch of being a depressed transfem person means that treatment through medication really sucks any enjoyment out of sex. :(
It doesn't help that my partner has PCOS (i.e. elevated testosterone levels i.e. hypersexuality) and experiences IMMENSE pleasure in bed. Just, mindfuck levels of orgasm. I wish I could feel what she feels. It's hard to come to terms with that fact that I give her so much, but have a body that's unable to receive anything in return.
Low sex drive is a symptom of depression and that is likely to improve with treatment. If that remains an issue, you can try other medications that might work for you. Do not despair, you have literally hundreds of options! That's gonna be a process and you have no choice but go through it.
Today I had a severely bad moment in school because of a mundane concern. I was getting worried that my deodorant had worn out and ended up hurrying out of class with my backpack where the deodorant was, as if I was gonna run away from school (this was also a subject I like so it was very unexpected). After passing my deodorant (I later confirmed with the teacher that no one in my class actually saw me passing the deodorant and the area I was in was empty) I came back to class and everyone started clapping for some reason and before I had even processed my situation, the self-destructive part of my autism kicked in and I punched myself in the face so hard I fell to the floor, and everyone stopped.
I've honestly already had a few of these events where I blow something mundane and fairly immature/infantile really out of proportion just in this school year alone but this is the first time I've earnestly punched myself like that in a pretty long time, normally I just end up shutting down and staring into the void a lot.
The 3 main things that terrify me is, Firstly, how my classmates must feel that I punched myself in front of all of them. This definitely isn't something they'll ever forget, I definitely don't think the girls in my class for example would feel safe around me. I already worry that any mildly embarrassing moment sticks instead of being summarily forgotten but punching yourself in the face that hard is unambiguously something my classmates will remember forever, even to my parents who usually try to comfort me by saying that stuff like this quickly forgotten.
Secondly, that ending up in these kinds of situations so regularly is not something I can keep doing without risking a similar incident, like I'm gonna be an adult soon and I could never do this in any job without being appropriately fired. I'm 17, I can't be like this when I'm 22 or 27.
The third thing that terrifies me is how quickly it happened, it didn't even take a second for me to punch myself like that, it honestly felt much more like an automatic reaction or instinct from an autistic outburst than something I actually did myself. I really can't see myself stopping something as impulsive as that, I can only prevent it. I could have prevented this if I trusted my deodorant or passed it on during the lunch break in a bathroom or was just less paranoid about what people think of me and my body sweat, but when I took my backpack with me I had sealed my fate.
I am not going to school tomorrow, I think I'll see if my nearest public health unit has hired a new therapist (the previous one which I already went to regularly got pregnant) and I definitely feel like this warrants taking some sort of literal chill pill like a mood stabilizer or something, I'd like to see if something like that is available to me, though our public services tend to have long lines and be fairly basic so how much I can do is highly limited. Really, I just want to calm down.
I don't really know what to say that would help, other than you're not alone. That may sound like a platitude, but it's not. I guarantee you every single person has similarly embarrassing moments like that from school. And that actually does help in a tangible way, since everyone is typically so focused on their own fuck ups, or the latest fuck up by someone else, that yours won't be the center of attention for long.
E.g. My most embarrassing moment was throwing up on the bus the first day at my new high school, and getting called "barf boy" for several months afterwards. That eventually stopped when a bunch of kids got arrested for vandalism though, and those kids became the focus of everyone's attention for the next few months.
And thankfully, once you get out of school things change dramatically, and a lot of that insignificant (in the grand scheme of things) drama bullshit tends to go away.
Kind of interesting, but my partner cut/changed her hair (that was exactly the same for many years) and now my brain unlearned how to interpret her facial expressions that took me a lot of effort to learn. The pattern recognition was thrown off and I think I'll need (hopefully just) a few weeks of training. Right now I don't know if she's serious or sarcastic, affectionate or ironic, sleepy or pissed off, etc. It's pretty stressful, but we talked about it and she'll try to be overly literal for the time being.
Basically boils down to "meh" currently. Struggling with eating habits / weight (not looking for advice) and need to get those back on track because I've been in a decent place the past year or so but in the past couple of weeks/months have really gotten lax about it.
Compounding that is staying up late on weekends and sleeping in which destroys my sleep schedule for a short time and is almost always a headache trigger. I cannot stay up really late anymore in my 30s without it affecting me pretty significantly, even if I technically get enough sleep after doing so. My body absolutely hates it. I know also, from experience, that quality sleep is a huge factor in weight management, regardless of other factors, so I need to be careful. But, alas, I am a night owl with a daytime job schedule. If I stick to a good sleep schedule long enough though, I can turn myself into a morning person, just takes some effort.
Constant struggle of not pursuing things I want to pursue (songwriting, lyrics/prose writing, reading, language learning, personal tech projects) because watching YT/Twitch/playing games is easier and is a path of less resistance. Pursuing the other things just takes a level of mental energy I don't feel like exerting weeknights after work or on weekends. This has been a years-long (life-long?) struggle. Heck, for a while, I didn't even play games much because even that felt like it required too much mental focus. Somehow I've been able to play an hour or two every now and then lately without feeling that way- so maybe that's actually a good sign?