Kuromantis's recent activity

  1. Comment on A boy among men: What happens when you throw a teenager into an adult prison? Guess. in ~life

    Kuromantis
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    Basically a long article about a dude who committed some theft at 17 and was sent to an adult prison and suffered several years of oral and other types of rape and being called the N-word and...

    Basically a long article about a dude who committed some theft at 17 and was sent to an adult prison and suffered several years of oral and other types of rape and being called the N-word and other harassing letters, to the point of his sexuality being ruined by PTSD-like trauma. It also talks about "John Doe" 's life story, PREA (prison rape law), prison culture and other things.

    Three years ago, the young man who would later be known as John Doe 1 shuffled into the Richard A. Handlon Correctional Facility in Ionia, Michigan. The town of 11,000 residents, which sits in the remote center of the state, houses five prisons, and over the years, it has earned the nickname “I Own Ya.” John, who was 17, had already gotten over the initial fear of going to an adult prison—he had spent several months at a county jail near Detroit and an intake facility in Jackson—but he also knew he would be spending longer at this lonely outpost, a minimum of three years for a couple of home invasions.

    It was around this time that the letters started sliding under his cell door. John would get a lot of letters from other prisoners over the next few months, and while they were not always explicit, some certainly were. “You are one sexy nigger,” one read. “You need a white man to show you how to act...When the opportunity comes I want to sneak in your house and hit that.” Another letter said he had a “fan club.”

    One night after the last count before bed, John says, his cellmate suddenly attacked him, pulling down both of their pants and wrestling him onto the bottom bunk.

    John says he was raped several more times by both his cellmate and strangers. He was forced to perform oral sex, and he still remembers brushing his teeth twice to get the taste out of his mouth. He never told medical staff about his anal bleeding because he felt embarrassed, though because of a foot injury he was able to get painkillers.

    “It got easier because I could go away in my mind.” Eventually, John says, he was raped so many times he lost count.

    In interviews, he said he has never had consensual sex with a man, though during his time in prison, he's agreed to do things “short of” sex, such as touching and kissing—things he said he felt he had to do to protect himself from further violent rapes. When asked about his sexual preferences, he called himself heterosexual but added, “Now I don't feel a desire for either sex.” He is not sure whether he'll ever be able to resume relationships with women. “It's debatable.”

    5 votes
  2. Comment on Weekly coronavirus-related chat, questions, and minor updates - week of January 17 in ~health.coronavirus

    Kuromantis
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    Thanks to Omicron, My school posted that they will only say whether classes will be presential 3 days before classes begin. Given cases on Brazil have gone from 3 thousand a day to 100 thousand,...

    Thanks to Omicron, My school posted that they will only say whether classes will be presential 3 days before classes begin. Given cases on Brazil have gone from 3 thousand a day to 100 thousand, I'm not bullish on in-person classes.

    7 votes
  3. What words would you want to see 'reclaimed'?

    Reclaiming a word means stripping it of it's negative baggage and giving it either a neutral or positive meaning. The most common example is the word Queer going from a slur to a descriptive term...

    Reclaiming a word means stripping it of it's negative baggage and giving it either a neutral or positive meaning. The most common example is the word Queer going from a slur to a descriptive term for non cis-het people.

    My personal pick would be returning the term "incel" to it's original meaning of "involuntary/involuntarily celibate" or someone who wants a relationship but doesn't have one, because the word is currently associated with the few tens of thousands of extremists who occasionally commit terrorist attacks, consider the redistribution of women reasonable and created the black-pill, but the amount of men (and realistically also women) who would consider themselves as wanting a relationship but not having one is much higher than a hundred thousand violent extremists, and if they could all describe themselves as incels, I think that would help steer the conversation about wanting a partner and not having one away from the extremists and to the much more numerous pool of mostly young people, seemingly mostly men who just want a partner and can't have one and usually mostly just feel bad about it to varying intensities. It wouldn't completely detach the term from cringe online right tropes as a lot of the dudes who can be described as incels often tend to fuel the kind of "women aren't real"/"Girls don't exist on the internet" culture that makes complaining about dating so 'lame'. (As in, the default reply is "just do basic self-improvement it'll put you ahead of most people lol".)

    Another term I would reclaim if I could is the Red-pill/Blue-pill dichotomy with becoming red-pilled either being a joke about some vaguely red pill used to transition or as a shorthand for adopting leftist beliefs, mainly because the creators of The Matrix were Trans women who intended the movie to have a strong Trans subtext, and red is usually a leftist color instead of a conservative one, so becoming red-pilled meaning becoming a leftist is more intuitive in most places.

    13 votes
  4. Comment on What are some of your favorite one sentence quotes? in ~talk

    Kuromantis
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    - Someone on r/askmen talking about things to avoid in relationships. (IDK the source, but I first heard it here) - Edna Mode (actually, Louis Pasteur) - (Idk) - Ian Danskin, AKA Innuendo Studios...

    When you put someone on a pedestal, you force them to look down on you.

    - Someone on r/askmen talking about things to avoid in relationships. I will definitely actually follow this advice instead of saving it once and acting as if I never heard it.

    Good satire raises questions about reality.

    (IDK the source, but I first heard it here)

    Luck favors the prepared.

    - Edna Mode (actually, Louis Pasteur)

    The brain is the only part of the body that named itself.

    - (Idk)

    "[Even] Bigotry is intersectional."

    - Ian Danskin, AKA Innuendo Studios

    If our brains were simple enough for us to understand them, we'd be so simple that we couldn't.

    -Ian Stewart

    (This quote is about the human brain, but I wonder if this also applies to other human stuff like relationships, honestly.)

    1 vote
  5. Comment on Colleges lost 465,000 students this fall. The continued erosion of enrollment is raising alarm. in ~life

    Kuromantis
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    Since student loan debt isn't a universal problem, how do you think free (or at least affordable) college changes the equation here?

    Or at the very least, don't go in debt to go to college.

    Since student loan debt isn't a universal problem, how do you think free (or at least affordable) college changes the equation here?

    9 votes
  6. Comment on The fetishization of male vulnerability in ~life

    Kuromantis
    Link
    An article, again found on r/MensLib, apparently made by and aimed at women about how male vulnerability ended up being trivialized and 'fetishized', and what women should know if they want a man...

    An article, again found on r/MensLib, apparently made by and aimed at women about how male vulnerability ended up being trivialized and 'fetishized', and what women should know if they want a man to open up to them (assuming they're in some variant of a platonic or otherwise non-romantic relationship, probably.)

    In college, I had a guy best friend. He was the first person who I undoubtedly knew cared about me. I knew this because whenever I was upset, he’d know exactly how to make me feel better: by sharing something personal about himself.

    In reality, our friendship consisted of me being liberally open and then coaxing him to do the same. I figured, if I’m not there for him like he is for me, then I’m not a good friend. After all, wasn’t opening up the healthy thing to do?

    Years later, I realize how toxic my logic was. His sharing wasn’t consensual — it was coerced. One time he reluctantly told me, “The thing about you is you push me to talk about my feelings. But I can’t tell if that’s a good or bad thing.”

    I’ve noticed this trend where schools, summer camps, and even professional workplaces attempt to promote group bonding with goofy, shameless ice breakers.

    Oftentimes, these just end up feeling awkward. And as everyone is laughing, pretending that this somehow made everyone closer, each individual is left feeling alienated, wondering, is there something wrong with me?

    Such forced vulnerability is not authentic. Rather, it has a paradoxical effect; the person sharing oftentimes feels less connected to others when what is supposed to be a sacred act is commodified as a productivity-boosting team building exercise.

    Women aren’t always prepared to unconditionally receive a man because they’re not usually taught how to do this. They’re not taught that, oftentimes, men emotionally connect with other men differently than they do with women. That talking about one’s feelings isn’t the universal solution to human healing. And that vulnerability can be downright ugly.

    Fairy tales and romantic comedies acknowledge that, yes, men have feelings. But such emotional expression is always palatable; rarely do we ever see anything too off-putting. And after the token heart-to-heart scene — in which the boy opens up for the first time in his life to “the one” — our male lead is permanently healed of all his insecurities and traumas.

    7 votes
  7. Comment on What ‘The Squad’ tells us about progressives’ ability to win voters of color in ~misc

  8. Comment on What ‘The Squad’ tells us about progressives’ ability to win voters of color in ~misc

    Kuromantis
    (edited )
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    An article looking at progressive representatives' ability to win voters of color, that basically finds that they are different representatives with different electoral bases. But I think it's a...

    An article looking at progressive representatives' ability to win voters of color, that basically finds that they are different representatives with different electoral bases. But I think it's a pretty detailed read on how progressive representatives do with voters of color. (This is also why I didn't post it in the US-specific thread.)

    Back in 2018, a quartet of Democratic women — known commonly as “The Squad” — broke barriers on their way to Congress: They were young women of color with no prior congressional experience who, in some cases, bested a white incumbent to represent their now racially diversifying districts. They were heralded as the “future of the Democratic Party,” and, for the progressive movement, which had long struggled to make inroads with nonwhite voters, they offered a potential path forward: These four women, and others like them, would motivate people of color to vote for left-leaning candidates to help usher in a seismic shift in electoral politics.

    But then the 2020 election happened. The Squad did grow by two members, but progressives failed to win the ultimate prize, the Democratic nomination for president, in large part because voters of color threw their support behind now-President Biden. In addition, many Democrats argued after the 2020 general election that progressive messaging might have cost Democrats seats in the House that year. And while a handful of nonwhite progressive candidates have won important elections this year, 2021 also contained a number of high-profile setbacks for the movement. Not only did Eric Adams, a Black moderate, handily defeat a number of progressives in the Democratic primary for New York City mayor (interjecting here, Eric Adams only defeated ~~Nina Turner~~ Kathryn Garcia by 1 percentage point in NYC, which is not "handily defeating" them all. I think this was disingenuous framing on 538's part.), but a handful of other progressives of color lost their races to more moderate politicians of color, too.

    As a result, the buzz over the Squad’s initial wins in 2018 has largely been replaced by a narrative that progressives struggle with people of color, and that Black voters especially prefer more moderate candidates. But the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

    We looked back at the Squad’s initial primary wins, and found that they’ve often won sizable blocs of nonwhite voters, especially when they have had strong ties to those communities (or at least stronger than their opponent). But at the same time, they haven’t necessarily performed well with all voters of color in their district. In fact, our analysis found that — despite each member’s very different path of Congress — each Squad member’s wins required a multiracial coalition of both white and nonwhite voters. We only found one instance without a clear racial pattern. But even if there is no surefire strategy for progressives to win voters of color, the Squad’s primaries also push back against the idea that progressives consistently struggle with these voters.

    538's verdict for all the squad members is, summarized:

    "AOC does well among Hispanic and White people, not so much among black people."

    "Rashida Tlaib did well among Hispanic people, White people and Arab people (categorized as white by the census), but not black people, though this is not her fault, because the person she unseated was elected by black people, so it's more about him than her. Also, there were like, 4 candidates running and vote splitting occurred."

    "Ilhan Omar did well among everyone, but better among black people like herself than white people."

    "Ayana Pressley did well among everyone, but she did the best among black people like herself."

    "Jamal Bowman did better among minorities when white people, but the margins weren't that different so it's not that big of a deal."

    "Cori Bush did better among White people than Black people, but more of them were her opponent's base, so that was expected. Despite this, she won 40% of them, which we at 538 think is pretty good on her part."

    "In general, this is less about whether minorities prefer progressive or moderate ideology and more about whether your candidate has stronger ties to the political influencers of the 3 main racial groups." (See Biden's endorsements in the South Carolina primary.)

    5 votes
  9. Comment on Weekly US politics news and updates thread - week of January 3 in ~news

    Kuromantis
    Link
    Is It Time to Rethink Hyper-Minority Districts? This is an article about how the Majority Minority districts that once gave Black people in the US their only political representation now often act...

    Is It Time to Rethink Hyper-Minority Districts?

    This is an article about how the Majority Minority districts that once gave Black people in the US their only political representation now often act as Democratic vote sinks that make Republican seats in the South safer and statewide delegations redder.

    Most members of Congress crave political security, and Terri Sewell has it. For more than a decade, she’s represented Alabama’s Seventh District, a 61 percent Black hodgepodge that awkwardly links the bustling cities of Birmingham and Montgomery via the sprawling, agriculturally rich Black Belt (named for the region’s dark topsoil), where more than a quarter of residents still live below the federal poverty line. The Seventh has never given her less than 72 percent of the vote.

    All over the Deep South—in states such as Alabama, Louisiana, Mississippi, and South Carolina—the story is familiar: Gerrymandered maps have packed Black voters into a lone Voting Rights Act district, while Republicans dominate every surrounding white-majority seat. In past decades, many of those VRA districts’ Democratic representatives were loath to unravel their own safe seats. But today, Democrats’ prevailing mentality has shifted. And as the 2022 redistricting wars heat up, multiple lawsuits aiming to unpack hyper-minority seats could help determine control of the House.

    Today, only 18 of the House’s 53 Congressional Black Caucus members hail from districts where Black residents exceed 50 percent of the voting-age population, including just eight of the 21 from the South. The median CBC member now represents a district that’s a hair shy of 40 percent Black. Yet Gingles and Bartlett continue to offer GOP mapmakers a convenient, if cynical, legal rationale to keep Democratic votes bottled up in remaining hyper-packed Black seats.

    “We’ve only got one of six seats in a state that’s a third Black,” notes Carter, a former state senator from New Orleans. “If Baton Rouge and Opelousas can be tied in for a second majority-minority district, I’m all in. This process isn’t about me. Sometimes you have to give up some of your own to help someone else.”

    3 votes
  10. Comment on How purity culture messed up most of the men I know in ~life

    Kuromantis
    Link
    An article I found on r/menslib that someone wrote about how Christian-derived social norms the author describes as a purity culture has negative effects on men, mainly focusing on how various...

    An article I found on r/menslib that someone wrote about how Christian-derived social norms the author describes as a purity culture has negative effects on men, mainly focusing on how various wrong beliefs it has are placed on men and affect them negatively. It honestly talks about men and women in fairly equal proportion rather than being male focused, but it's IMO a decent, if a somewhat intro-level feminist read.

    Last night, over too much wine and tequila, I engaged two of the single men in a conversation about dating.
    After our discussion ended, I realized that it’s possible they only view me as an acceptable and ‘safe’ woman to be friends with because I am married, and they are friends with my spouse. They praised me for my ‘progressive viewpoints’ and ‘openness and independence’, but made the classic mistake of blurting “but most women don’t think like you.”
    This is a red flag. It indicated to me that these men grew up ingesting purity culture and patriarchy, and haven’t yet unlearned it. Other red flag statements I’ve heard since I arrived here include: “I don’t really have any female friends,” “If you sleep with someone you’re going to be labelled an asshole,” “Once you sleep with someone, you can’t be friends with them,” “All women want relationships and feel attached quickly,” and “I don’t get involved with anyone because I don’t want any drama.”

    (Admittedly, this is kinda weird to read for me because I personally was influenced by a "TFW no GF" subculture which views women becoming attached to men as nigh-impossible.)

    Many articles have been written about the negative effects of purity culture on women, and I could write several more. However, in this essay I want to focus on how purity culture has negatively impacted the men I know, especially those who find themselves leaving the Church and deconstructing their faith.

    Here are six lies that purity culture teaches:

    1. Virginity is a real thing: it is something that should be protected and can be ‘lost.’
    1. Masturbation is wrong, and men are the only ones doing it.
    1. Men and women can’t be friends with each other in any real sense, especially if they’re single, and most especially if they’ve slept together.

    (Some people complained about some of the wording the author uses here when talking about how great men having women friends is and I am inclined to agree.)

    1. Only men want casual and non-monogamous relationships, and women will be hurt if men express this. Women are the drivers of traditional relationships.
    1. Sex causes unnecessary drama and hurt feelings. Sexual relationships are full of jealousy, attachment issues, and communication issues. Healthy sex lives are the exception, not the rule.
    1. Relationships are an escalator with a clear trajectory. If the relationship ends, it has failed. If you get married, it has succeeded. If you get divorced, congratulations, you’ve failed again.

    [...]

    Certainly, there are some (many) relationships which fail; relationships where one or more people are dishonest, break boundaries, or physically or emotionally hurt each other. But many relationships don’t fail; they just end.

    10 votes
  11. Comment on How helpful is venting your feelings exactly? in ~life

    Kuromantis
    Link
    (Not sure why the Metadata says mid 2014 and the site says mid 2021.) An article that, while generally (and despite the actual title) decently supportive, believes venting doesn't accomplish...

    (Not sure why the Metadata says mid 2014 and the site says mid 2021.)

    An article that, while generally (and despite the actual title) decently supportive, believes venting doesn't accomplish everything and has some undesirable side effects. There is some weird correlation-causation stuff later in the article, I think the article does still make some decent points worth listening to.

    That’s because sharing our emotions reduces our stress while making us feel closer to others we share with and providing a sense of belonging. When we open up our inner selves and people respond with sympathy, we feel seen, understood, and supported.

    But “sharing” covers a lot of different modes of communication. Are some healthier than others, over the long run? Science suggests that it depends, in part, on how you share and how people respond to you.

    Sharing our feelings also provides an opportunity to gain insight into what’s causing our difficult feelings and avert future upsets. Sometimes, just verbalizing what’s bothering us to another person helps to clarify the situation and name the emotions involved. Or, if we get caught in emotional whirlwinds, our confidants can provide new perspectives and offer sound advice, says Kross.

    Unfortunately, this latter part of the equation often gets lost in the shuffle, he adds.

    “When we get stuck in a venting session, it feels good in the moment, because we’re connecting with other people,” he says. “But if all we do is vent, we don’t address our cognitive needs, too. We aren’t able to make sense of what we’re experiencing, to make meaning of it.”

    There's some opinion advice from the author for what he thinks would be better, and this section in particular is IMO pretty reasonable:

    When you vent to others, prompt them to offer perspective. If you find yourself venting to someone without your emotions dissipating (or maybe getting worse), you may be caught in a cycle of “co-rumination”—a rehashing that can keep you stuck. To get out of that, you can ask the person to step back and help you reframe your experience by asking, “How should I think about this differently?” or “What should I do in this situation?” This will cue them to offer perspective and assure them that you’re looking for something more than a listening ear.

    4 votes
  12. Comment on What were your personal highlights for this year? in ~talk

    Kuromantis
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    When we had in person classes I and 4 other people became acquaintances seemingly at random within the first 30 minutes, which was pretty neat.

    When we had in person classes I and 4 other people became acquaintances seemingly at random within the first 30 minutes, which was pretty neat.

    5 votes
  13. Comment on Why boyish girls are judged less than girlish boys in ~life

    Kuromantis
    Link
    Basically the Title. This somewhat interesting article is particularly focused on children for whatever reason. I found this on r/MensLib, perhaps unsurprisingly. This part about companies...

    Basically the Title. This somewhat interesting article is particularly focused on children for whatever reason. I found this on r/MensLib, perhaps unsurprisingly.

    For his birthday this year, my 5-year-old son asked for a My Little Pony sweatshirt. He didn't know that it was categorized as girls' clothing, only that, like his beloved Rainbow Dash, it was polychromatic, glittery, winged and perfect.

    The hardest part of this conversation will be what, inevitably, will follow. He, a scrupulous monitor of fairness in matters large and small, will ask whether there are also things people think girls shouldn't wear. I, remorsefully, will have to tell him "no."

    Today, there's not a single traditionally masculine thing a girl can do that would raise eyebrows. Join a sports team? Over half of them do it. Play with toy guns? Nerf makes a line just for them. Cut their hair short? Celebrities Katy Perry, Janelle Monae and Scarlett Johansson all have locks that measure under half a foot. Interested in STEM? On trend. Pretend they are superheroes? Last year's "Wonder Woman" is one of the highest-grossing superhero movies of all time.
    Meanwhile, there's still not a single traditionally feminine thing a boy can do that wouldn't raise eyebrows. A boy who likes wearing jewelry or makeup, twirling in a tutu or caring for baby dolls is at best the subject of conversations conducted sotto voce. At worst: a bully's target.

    This part about companies marketing stuff to women to pay lip service to their independence is somewhat exaggerated bit I think the general point stands.

    Girls get to flip through books like "Strong is the New Pretty," but no publication is telling boys that typically feminine traits like caring for others or, yes, taking an interest in beauty (which is often tsked tsked in boys) is the new strong.
    Girls have been told that they can do anything, be anything, and they largely can, without judgment. However -- and here's the catch -- that's true only if they are physically strong and career-oriented and eschew most of the traditional trappings of femininity. In short, they will gain respect if they act like boys.
    "It's about mobility. Girls who act like boys are moving up the social ladder. Boys who are acting like anything but masculine are moving down and risk losing their status," Kimmel said.

    Some people have said women bosses in the corporations they run often emulate many/most traits associated to toxic masculinity, which makes sense and ties in to social justice framework.

    17 votes
  14. Comment on What changes are you looking to make in 2022? in ~talk

    Kuromantis
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    My main goal is to socialize, I'm in a new school and I'd like to have friends at some point. Seems the stuff I should do to make some friends is to go to social events, talk to people primarily...

    My main goal is to socialize, I'm in a new school and I'd like to have friends at some point. Seems the stuff I should do to make some friends is to go to social events, talk to people primarily about my interests (not just while in social events, just whenever I'm not studying and people aren't busy, I guess) and just generally choose 'the crowd' a large part of the time. I also heard it's important for at least one of these friends to be a woman, partly because it's just good to have a diverse social circle, partly because they'll have their own women friends who will be more receptive to me as a friend of a friend, which is good for dating, or anything else social. I would also like to understand how I'm supposed to view this large and daunting effort. I personally am not the kind of person who ever does any of the things I mentioned above so I kinda feel like I'm gonna be doing all this as a means to a (fri)end, which is in a way a means to an end itself because while people say having friends is neat, I honestly care much more about getting in a relationship than I have ever cared about friends and the main reason I figure I should make some friends is because going straight to dating first isn't gonna work, and realistically it's not just going to be because (I've heard) most women would never date a man with no friends. But framing it as a means to an end is cold and the preferable outlook is that I'm doing this because I want to do this and have friends.

    5 votes