14
votes
Why do new Mothers hate their Husbands. A good read for both genders.
Link information
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- Title
- Ask Polly: 'Why Do New Mothers Hate Their Husbands?'
- Authors
- Heather Havrilesky
- Published
- Jun 6 2018
- Word count
- 2620 words
I think something that is often overlooked is how much energy it takes to manage something. Sure it might not be hard to ask someone to do one small thing, but keeping a billion small things in your head is exhausting.
This is the line that stood out the most to me as well. Even with a partner that's ready and willing to help, if it's always falling on one person to dictate what needs doing, it's going to get exhausting. The mental load is a very real issue for many couples, and there's a reason that this comic gets linked in practically every thread on this subject.
That comic was a good read, thanks for including it.
Yes, that comic is exactly what I thought of when I read the article.
I'm really bad at taking my share of the mental load sometimes. Complex planning is difficult for me if I can't see all the pieces clearly laid out with specific criteria for making choices and I'm not good at remembering things that are outside of the context I'm currently operating in.
How does one learn to be better at picking up the mental load, especially for someone who tends to have a narrower mental focus?
I would say your best bet is just to be aware of your surroundings as you move around your home. If you walk by the sink, glance over. If there are dishes in there, you wash them. Did you just step over something on the floor to access a doorway, or push stuff out of the way to sit on the couch? Pick it up and put it away. Did you just toss something into a full trash bin? Bring it outside.
I think (many) women do this naturally since we've been raised to act this way since childhood. You may need to make an active, conscious effort to do these things for awhile, but it will eventually become a habit.
If this isn't working, then set reminders for yourself for the the things you've committed to. If, say, taking out the trash is your chore but you find your partner has to tell you when it needs to go out, then you do something like set a daily alarm on your phone that will remind you to go look.
Finally, the act of simply asking your partner if she needs help (even if she says no) can go a long way.
I think the phrasing of this matters too. Asking what you can help with is more considerate than asking if someone needs help.
Sometimes it's also just noticing your partner's habits. If you notice them picking up and putting away the same jacket from the couch everyday, try to beat them to it. Or if they always put something away, but in the rush this morning forgot, put it away for them. This is something my partner does and I really appreciate it.
Don't add your personal opinion on a story to its title.
The thing that I think about a lot is, your spouse ain't ever going to love you as much as they love that kid. That is their number 1 always.
I hear that said a lot, and I can't say I agree. While I'm sure there are some people who love their children more than their spouse, it's not inherently the case in all households. At least not in mine. I love my husband on the same level as my baby, but it may not seem that way because a baby is completely dependent on it's caregivers.
And I think it's a bit off topic anyways to say it's just natural for a parent to put their child first. The article is more about how a sense of resentment builds within a partnership when childcare/housework is not equal and falls along stereotypical gender lines. Society still expects women to take on the bulk of both and there are no gold stars for mothers who do so. Even the way the person in the article writes about how the husband goes above and beyond when he makes his own baby food kind of perpetuates the different expectations for mothers and fathers. You know who else makes their own baby food? Pretty much every mother I know. But no one really cares when that happens. Ali Wong said something similar when she said that it takes so little to be considered a great dad, but it takes so little to be considered a shitty mom.
I really agree with you on the tone of the article. I did find it a bit weird and sad that she was basically justifying her completely valid feelings of growing resentment simply because her husband participated at all with a child and household they share.
And I find that happens a lot. Women bring up totally understandable times that they get annoyed and almost immediately follow up with "to be fair he does X", where X is always a mundane chore, hardly worthy of mention, let alone a metal.
It's not necessarily off-topic. Articles in conversations make you think about other things, and things transition.
That's true, and I don't think you shouldn't have posted. Your comment just seemed a bit dismissive, but these things can be difficult to tell through just text.
Dismissive of what? Genuinely curious to help curate my responses better.
I found it dismissive of the article and the woman's frustrations surrounding how childcare/housework is divided between her and her husband. I think that if you had made some mention of what was in the article, that would've helped. Even if you had said something along the lines of, "I think the reason women do more of the invisible work is because they love the baby more than the husband does." To be clear, I don't agree with the statement, and I don't think that's what you were trying to say, but I'm just using it as an example.
The best advice I was given when my wife was pregnant came from an almost a complete stranger. They said the most important thing to remember is that the kids are temporary (to a point). One day they'll leave and you'll realize that over the last 18+ years you and your partner grew further and further apart. You have to work your ass off to keep that relationship going.
I'm finding that my wife and I are falling into that trap. All we talk about is the baby. Even on rare date nights, it's just the baby, what's coming up for the baby, how she's progressing.
Just look at her and say, So whats going in with you - how's work.