It is incredibly hard to care for someone who doesn't think they need care. Whether it's a degenerative disease like Alzheimer's or a mental health issue, it is tough. I don't want to be doxxed...
It is incredibly hard to care for someone who doesn't think they need care. Whether it's a degenerative disease like Alzheimer's or a mental health issue, it is tough.
I don't want to be doxxed but suffice it to say that I don't remember my mom as much of anything but a shell, and she has gotten worse as I've gotten older. I'm not even through college yet and I'm trying to wrap my head around her medical and mental deterioration on a daily basis. I am trying to wrap my head around the knowledge that, not only will she die, but I will have never had a good relationship with my mom as an adult, and I'll never remember what she used to be like--at this point there is no possibility.
She will likely begin to die alone or with only me around, likely before I have the financial means to take care of her, and she is equally likely to die suddenly. Not only will I be the only one to have responsibility for her, I will be the only one to handle her worldly affairs--and she has not even finished processing the affairs of HER own mother. I will be forced to deal with a house full of things I do not understand or know what to do with, to make decisions which people will look at me for but will not help me with. She doesn't trust anyone, including me, but she trusts me the most, and respecting her wishes will mean that I am not supposed to ask help from practically anyone when it comes to her affairs after her death. That is an incredible amount of responsibility for me. And it is not fair, it's not morally right, and it's not technically right--I think it's a poor decision to only let me in.
Truth be told, I really just want to run away from the problem. But I can't. I know that's not possible for me.
Having been the person in my extended family to be responsible for attending to several family members end-of-life affairs let me give you a piece of practical advice. Start planning now. This is...
Not only will I be the only one to have responsibility for her, I will be the only one to handle her worldly affairs--and she has not even finished processing the affairs of HER own mother. I will be forced to deal with a house full of things I do not understand or know what to do with, to make decisions which people will look at me for but will not help me with.
Having been the person in my extended family to be responsible for attending to several family members end-of-life affairs let me give you a piece of practical advice. Start planning now. This is not the type of thing you want to be dealing with under the emotional duress that occurs when someone close to you dies.
Gather a list of bank accounts, ID/passwords, locate any wills or trusts, if she doesn't have a will, help her make one now, go ahead and talk to a funeral home, ask her who she wants you to notify, etc, etc. Get a health care power of attorney, get a power of attorney, talk to an estate planner, etc. Google something like "what to do when someone dies in state X" and find out what things are specific to your state (or country if not in the US).
And most importantly, find someone IRL that you can talk to about this stuff - if only for a sounding board. It's might be your responsibility, but make sure it's not ALL on you.
Thank you for the advice. Her brother is probably the only person I could look to IRL, besides a therapist--and let's be frank, this is not what a therapist is for. I have been trying to get her...
Thank you for the advice. Her brother is probably the only person I could look to IRL, besides a therapist--and let's be frank, this is not what a therapist is for.
I have been trying to get her to use a password manager for years, partly so that I can help her. She is a terrible password reuser, but what's worse is that she can never remember what her accounts are called. So a database would be good for me to see every thing I need to tie up. In fact, I set up mine with a "dead man switch" (really more of a dead man drop) so that if I pass I can have detailed instructions for my digital life, in a place which will never be seen by the law or by anyone I do not trust.
I'll try to discuss some of this with her but I don't know how she will receive it. Thanks, though.
I'd encourage you to see a therapist as well if possible. The emotional support is valuable. If you have health insurance often X sessions may be free if you've experienced a recent traumatic...
I'd encourage you to see a therapist as well if possible. The emotional support is valuable. If you have health insurance often X sessions may be free if you've experienced a recent traumatic event such as a death in the family; that requirement seemed pretty lax to me. May be something to look into.
Just want to say as someone who was also in a somewhat similar situation: -Making a list of any and all assets and accounts, insurance policies, trusts, whatever will save you so much stress and...
Just want to say as someone who was also in a somewhat similar situation:
-Making a list of any and all assets and accounts, insurance policies, trusts, whatever will save you so much stress and hassle (as well as literal life-years, in my case). No one is going to do it for you, so trust me in saying that the sooner you can start, the better. Not just online passwords, but bank account information, credit card information (if you can get her to sign up for Credit Karma with a password you set up, this is even better).
One thing I do want to signal boost is a game that helps people have conversations about end of life affairs. While I never was able to use it with my family as we're all dysfunctional and wouldn't ever do anything like it, I recommend you to take a look at a card game called "Hello" https://commonpractice.com/products/hello-game. It's a non-threatening way to help people in your family/life talk about what they would like to see from their end of life decisions.
Oh dear. It's really a tough and hurtful place. Despite everything, in your writing I feel how much you care for her, and how much you've bee trying yourself. You've written coherently about your...
Oh dear.
It's really a tough and hurtful place. Despite everything, in your writing I feel how much you care for her, and how much you've bee trying yourself. You've written coherently about your condition, and that takes resilience and clear thinking. I wish life will get better for you from now on.
The load on a carer is tremendous. Carers deserve care. You really need your own support network, and I'm happy that you're getting it.
[N]o amount of doctor visits have been able to yield results for either her physical or mental health and no one seems to want to do their job and examine her properly.
Thank you, I appreciate that. And yeah, outrageous is right. Worse so is that years ago she would wait a few months at a time for an appointment, and her doc would frequently cancel and then she'd...
Thank you, I appreciate that.
And yeah, outrageous is right. Worse so is that years ago she would wait a few months at a time for an appointment, and her doc would frequently cancel and then she'd have to wait a few months longer. Only to be cancelled on again. That medical facility is the largest one around here.
It's a real problem in parts of the US, even. Many people don't have a family doctor, or any ongoing relationship with any healthcare provider. They go from clinic to clinic, but never really get...
It's a real problem in parts of the US, even. Many people don't have a family doctor, or any ongoing relationship with any healthcare provider. They go from clinic to clinic, but never really get help.
And it even happens with "real" medical relationships too. When nobody pays directly for their care, nobody cares as much to say, "Hold on, you ripped me off." I had a gf who went to like 4 doctors for horrible migraines, and they were all idiots. One of them basically told her just to lose weight. I was astounded.
That’s a terrible situation, unfortunately I don’t have much advice for this kind of stuff, just wanted to commend you on being able to post and talk about your situation. It must be tough, but...
That’s a terrible situation, unfortunately I don’t have much advice for this kind of stuff, just wanted to commend you on being able to post and talk about your situation. It must be tough, but it’s clear that you’re thinking rationally, and that’s a very good thing. Remember to take case of yourself as well, I wish you the best.
I very much sympathize with this: I am not sure if you're seeking public/government or private healthcare help, but there is a strange kind of insistence on avoiding helping someone who has mental...
I very much sympathize with this:
no one seems to want to do their job and examine her properly.
I am not sure if you're seeking public/government or private healthcare help, but there is a strange kind of insistence on avoiding helping someone who has mental wellness issues. They just want to file the paperwork and move on after the minimum number of days have passed. And that's up and down the whole chain of professionals.
That sounds about right. I'd tell you what her last therapist said before giving up, but that would be too close to doxxing. Suffice to say, it was bullshit and shows that a lot of the medical...
They just want to file the paperwork and move on after the minimum number of days have passed.
That sounds about right. I'd tell you what her last therapist said before giving up, but that would be too close to doxxing. Suffice to say, it was bullshit and shows that a lot of the medical professionals here seem to be incapable of handling more than the standard prescribe-a-pill cases.
Hey, @Emerald_Knight. I don't have any advice for this one, unfortunately. I do know, from this post and your others, that you are a smart and strong person. Hopefully you can share a more...
Hey, @Emerald_Knight. I don't have any advice for this one, unfortunately. I do know, from this post and your others, that you are a smart and strong person. Hopefully you can share a more optimistic update with us soon!
Ah, this sounds so stressful. I'm sorry you have to deal with it! The medical crap is just shit icing on a challenging cake. I spent a couple of recent years with someone close to me losing a...
Ah, this sounds so stressful. I'm sorry you have to deal with it! The medical crap is just shit icing on a challenging cake.
I spent a couple of recent years with someone close to me losing a battle with addiction, and it's shocking how much someone else's altered mental state can affect your own. Honestly I sometimes feel that it has given me some kind of PTSD.
It sounds like you need someone to talk to though, to keep your head on straight and feel supported yourself. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help directly, and say that you need them. People can be kind of oblivious, but do want to help overall. When you reach out, you can usually find something to grab.
Also, most mid-sized cities will have some kind of a general "carer support group" or "caregiver support" that you could consider going to a few meetings for. Sometimes just being able to talk about your frustrations with other people who can understand without judging can go a long way. There will be people who are dealing with a spectrum of being the "carer" in a relationship, and often they can help you with resources and coping mechanisms.
If you live somewhere small, maybe consider a meeting that doesn't quite fit but exists, such as a dementia-carer or al-anon, as some of the challenges will be the same no matter the problem your loved one is dealing with.
I appreciate the advice. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any support groups around. If there are any around and I can manage to get to one, it could end up being a lot of help. Thanks :)
I appreciate the advice. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any support groups around. If there are any around and I can manage to get to one, it could end up being a lot of help. Thanks :)
It is incredibly hard to care for someone who doesn't think they need care. Whether it's a degenerative disease like Alzheimer's or a mental health issue, it is tough.
I don't want to be doxxed but suffice it to say that I don't remember my mom as much of anything but a shell, and she has gotten worse as I've gotten older. I'm not even through college yet and I'm trying to wrap my head around her medical and mental deterioration on a daily basis. I am trying to wrap my head around the knowledge that, not only will she die, but I will have never had a good relationship with my mom as an adult, and I'll never remember what she used to be like--at this point there is no possibility.
She will likely begin to die alone or with only me around, likely before I have the financial means to take care of her, and she is equally likely to die suddenly. Not only will I be the only one to have responsibility for her, I will be the only one to handle her worldly affairs--and she has not even finished processing the affairs of HER own mother. I will be forced to deal with a house full of things I do not understand or know what to do with, to make decisions which people will look at me for but will not help me with. She doesn't trust anyone, including me, but she trusts me the most, and respecting her wishes will mean that I am not supposed to ask help from practically anyone when it comes to her affairs after her death. That is an incredible amount of responsibility for me. And it is not fair, it's not morally right, and it's not technically right--I think it's a poor decision to only let me in.
Truth be told, I really just want to run away from the problem. But I can't. I know that's not possible for me.
Having been the person in my extended family to be responsible for attending to several family members end-of-life affairs let me give you a piece of practical advice. Start planning now. This is not the type of thing you want to be dealing with under the emotional duress that occurs when someone close to you dies.
Gather a list of bank accounts, ID/passwords, locate any wills or trusts, if she doesn't have a will, help her make one now, go ahead and talk to a funeral home, ask her who she wants you to notify, etc, etc. Get a health care power of attorney, get a power of attorney, talk to an estate planner, etc. Google something like "what to do when someone dies in state X" and find out what things are specific to your state (or country if not in the US).
And most importantly, find someone IRL that you can talk to about this stuff - if only for a sounding board. It's might be your responsibility, but make sure it's not ALL on you.
Thank you for the advice. Her brother is probably the only person I could look to IRL, besides a therapist--and let's be frank, this is not what a therapist is for.
I have been trying to get her to use a password manager for years, partly so that I can help her. She is a terrible password reuser, but what's worse is that she can never remember what her accounts are called. So a database would be good for me to see every thing I need to tie up. In fact, I set up mine with a "dead man switch" (really more of a dead man drop) so that if I pass I can have detailed instructions for my digital life, in a place which will never be seen by the law or by anyone I do not trust.
I'll try to discuss some of this with her but I don't know how she will receive it. Thanks, though.
I'd encourage you to see a therapist as well if possible. The emotional support is valuable. If you have health insurance often X sessions may be free if you've experienced a recent traumatic event such as a death in the family; that requirement seemed pretty lax to me. May be something to look into.
I can't right now but I see one at my university for free. Not too long until then.
I don't have insurance.
Just want to say as someone who was also in a somewhat similar situation:
-Making a list of any and all assets and accounts, insurance policies, trusts, whatever will save you so much stress and hassle (as well as literal life-years, in my case). No one is going to do it for you, so trust me in saying that the sooner you can start, the better. Not just online passwords, but bank account information, credit card information (if you can get her to sign up for Credit Karma with a password you set up, this is even better).
One thing I do want to signal boost is a game that helps people have conversations about end of life affairs. While I never was able to use it with my family as we're all dysfunctional and wouldn't ever do anything like it, I recommend you to take a look at a card game called "Hello" https://commonpractice.com/products/hello-game. It's a non-threatening way to help people in your family/life talk about what they would like to see from their end of life decisions.
That sounds like it would be incredibly confining. I'm sorry that you've been left to shoulder all of the responsibility.
Oh dear.
It's really a tough and hurtful place. Despite everything, in your writing I feel how much you care for her, and how much you've bee trying yourself. You've written coherently about your condition, and that takes resilience and clear thinking. I wish life will get better for you from now on.
The load on a carer is tremendous. Carers deserve care. You really need your own support network, and I'm happy that you're getting it.
This is just... outrageous.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
And yeah, outrageous is right. Worse so is that years ago she would wait a few months at a time for an appointment, and her doc would frequently cancel and then she'd have to wait a few months longer. Only to be cancelled on again. That medical facility is the largest one around here.
It's a real problem in parts of the US, even. Many people don't have a family doctor, or any ongoing relationship with any healthcare provider. They go from clinic to clinic, but never really get help.
And it even happens with "real" medical relationships too. When nobody pays directly for their care, nobody cares as much to say, "Hold on, you ripped me off." I had a gf who went to like 4 doctors for horrible migraines, and they were all idiots. One of them basically told her just to lose weight. I was astounded.
That’s a terrible situation, unfortunately I don’t have much advice for this kind of stuff, just wanted to commend you on being able to post and talk about your situation. It must be tough, but it’s clear that you’re thinking rationally, and that’s a very good thing. Remember to take case of yourself as well, I wish you the best.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
I very much sympathize with this:
I am not sure if you're seeking public/government or private healthcare help, but there is a strange kind of insistence on avoiding helping someone who has mental wellness issues. They just want to file the paperwork and move on after the minimum number of days have passed. And that's up and down the whole chain of professionals.
I hope things work out better.
It could very well be worsening anxiety. Your SO sounds like she's experiencing the same thing. I wish you the best of luck as well.
That sounds about right. I'd tell you what her last therapist said before giving up, but that would be too close to doxxing. Suffice to say, it was bullshit and shows that a lot of the medical professionals here seem to be incapable of handling more than the standard prescribe-a-pill cases.
Hey, @Emerald_Knight. I don't have any advice for this one, unfortunately. I do know, from this post and your others, that you are a smart and strong person. Hopefully you can share a more optimistic update with us soon!
Ah, this sounds so stressful. I'm sorry you have to deal with it! The medical crap is just shit icing on a challenging cake.
I spent a couple of recent years with someone close to me losing a battle with addiction, and it's shocking how much someone else's altered mental state can affect your own. Honestly I sometimes feel that it has given me some kind of PTSD.
It sounds like you need someone to talk to though, to keep your head on straight and feel supported yourself. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help directly, and say that you need them. People can be kind of oblivious, but do want to help overall. When you reach out, you can usually find something to grab.
Also, most mid-sized cities will have some kind of a general "carer support group" or "caregiver support" that you could consider going to a few meetings for. Sometimes just being able to talk about your frustrations with other people who can understand without judging can go a long way. There will be people who are dealing with a spectrum of being the "carer" in a relationship, and often they can help you with resources and coping mechanisms.
If you live somewhere small, maybe consider a meeting that doesn't quite fit but exists, such as a dementia-carer or al-anon, as some of the challenges will be the same no matter the problem your loved one is dealing with.
I appreciate the advice. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any support groups around. If there are any around and I can manage to get to one, it could end up being a lot of help. Thanks :)