19 votes

Something happened at school Monday and I don't know how to interpret it

I sit beside this girl in class and we've gotten to know each other pretty well over the past few months. We have three classes a week and two of those three days we usually spend twenty minutes chatting before class starts or while we do our work. One of those days of the week though at random, she will listen to music before and after the class lecture. When she listens to music, I don't bother her, I usually just end up putting on my headphones too.

On the days that we do talk though we have both initiated the conversation before, so it's not like this is a one sided thing.

But we've been getting to know each other and I've been thinking about asking her out. I just haven't built up the courage to do it yet. I'm pretty awful at interpreting signals but everything about our interactions suggests we have an amicable relationship. Like, I don't think I'm bothering her or anything and I thought she might say yes if I asked her.

Something happened Monday though that has kind of fucked me up. I don't know what to make of it and could just be overreacting.

Monday we chatted like normal, she asked if I wanted to borrow her textbook to take pictures of the problems we needed for homework, but I said no thanks, that I had already took pictures of the pages from the library's textbook. We chatted for a bit more about one of her classes. She finished her work before I did so she got up to leave and told me to have a good day.

About fifteen minutes after she left I finished my classwork and left. While walking to my car I saw her sitting on a bench on campus. I had to pass by the bench where she was sitting as it was on my route to my car.

So trying not to freak, trying to figure out what to say, I just kept walking on my way to my car, intending to say something casual and idle as I passed by her.

But, when I got closer to the bench she was sitting on, she looked up and saw me. Then she got up from the bench and walked away. I was still a good distance away, so it's not like I could have said anything to her, and I obviously didn't like, chase after her or anything. I just kept walking on my route to my car.

I could just be overreacting or misinterpreting what happened but it has kind of fucked me up.

We had class again today and she listened to music, so I did too. I was going to mention what happened with her somehow to see if she wanted to talk about it, but I decided not to bother her.

Is there any way I can just be misunderstanding what's going on? Should I just take this at face value and not ask her out?

13 comments

  1. [5]
    cfabbro
    (edited )
    Link
    There are just so many potential reasons she could have decided to get up to leave at that moment that I honestly wouldn't worry too much about it, or take it personal. If she was genuinely...

    There are just so many potential reasons she could have decided to get up to leave at that moment that I honestly wouldn't worry too much about it, or take it personal. If she was genuinely uncomfortable around you and wanted you to leave her alone she wouldn't have offered to lend you her textbook in the first place, and wouldn't still be sitting near you in class.

    I was going to mention what happened with her somehow to see if she wanted to talk about it, but I decided not to bother her.

    Yeah, it's much better to say nothing and then have it gnaw at you afterwards. ;) I kid... but only a little. You should probably not mention the bench incident, since you may indeed just be overreacting, but you should still ask her out IMO. The worst that will happen is she says no... but at least then you will know for sure how she feels about you.

    p.s. It is also entirely possible that she was offering to lend you the textbook as a pretext to spend more time with you, and you refusing disappointed her a bit... which is why she didn't want to talk to you afterwards and gave you the cold shoulder the next day.

    p.p.s. In any case, good luck if/when you ask her out. :)

    23 votes
    1. [4]
      msnspk
      Link Parent
      Oof. I'm a idiot. I'm not sure it was this though because we chatted for several minutes after that. When we have class Monday I'll make an effort to talk to her though. I actually didn't have...

      It is also entirely possible that she was offering to lend you the textbook as a pretext to spend more time with you, and you refusing disappointed her a bit

      Oof. I'm a idiot. I'm not sure it was this though because we chatted for several minutes after that. When we have class Monday I'll make an effort to talk to her though. I actually didn't have photos of some of the pages I needed, but thought I did. That was why I declined her textbook. Maybe she will think it's funny that I thought I had all the pages, but actually didn't.

      5 votes
      1. [2]
        retiredrugger
        Link Parent
        If I could make a reccomendation; always say yes in these situations. Doesn't matter if you have the pictures or not these are opportunities to build connections. If you don't already have her...

        If I could make a reccomendation; always say yes in these situations. Doesn't matter if you have the pictures or not these are opportunities to build connections. If you don't already have her number then you can use that as an option to acquire it like saying "You know I already got pics from the book, but maybe we could work on them together. Can I get your number if I need help?"
        The name of the game isn't actually getting an avenue for help, it's just getting her number.

        10 votes
        1. msnspk
          Link Parent
          Thank you. This is really good advice and something I need to get better at.

          always say yes in these situations

          Thank you. This is really good advice and something I need to get better at.

          5 votes
      2. cfabbro
        (edited )
        Link Parent
        Hehe, don't worry, we have all been there. I am terrible at reading people in the moment too. One of my first serious relationships started off with them literally dragging me by the arm into...

        Hehe, don't worry, we have all been there. I am terrible at reading people in the moment too. One of my first serious relationships started off with them literally dragging me by the arm into another room so they could kiss me in private because I wasn't picking up on any of their "hints" (which in retrospect were anything but subtle). ;)

        7 votes
  2. [2]
    DonQuixote
    Link
    Wait a few days till you talk with her again. But let the incident on the bench go. It likely had nothing to do with you. She'll bring it up if she feels you need an explanation. Once you get past...

    Wait a few days till you talk with her again. But let the incident on the bench go. It likely had nothing to do with you. She'll bring it up if she feels you need an explanation.

    Once you get past that, ask her to go for coffee or something. Keep it casual for now. Anyway that's my advice.

    13 votes
    1. msnspk
      Link Parent
      There is a cafe on campus so that was my plan. Thank you for the advice.

      There is a cafe on campus so that was my plan. Thank you for the advice.

      4 votes
  3. [3]
    lobtask
    Link
    Given the information provided I will give my advice. Take it for what its worth. More often then not situations arise like this because of the fact that we can only see one side of the story. She...

    Given the information provided I will give my advice. Take it for what its worth. More often then not situations arise like this because of the fact that we can only see one side of the story. She could have gotten up and walked away briskly could be for all sorts of different reasons. If I were you I would try to entertain some conversation next time you see her go from there.

    When I first started asking girls out I was terrified, I would have a huge knot in my stomach. Though after doing it a couple of times (with some failures). I learned that when asking a girl out, worst case scenario is that she says no and life goes on. Even if she says no, most people find it endearing and as long as you are normal about it, they are totally down to still be friends. 99% of the time you have extremely little to nothing to lose.

    If you have any other questions feel free to PM me.

    11 votes
    1. xstresedg
      Link Parent
      I still get stomach knots at 30, so I'm glad I don't do it often haha

      I still get stomach knots at 30, so I'm glad I don't do it often haha

      6 votes
    2. msnspk
      Link Parent
      Thank you. I will talk to her when I see her Monday and go from there.

      Thank you. I will talk to her when I see her Monday and go from there.

      4 votes
  4. [2]
    reese
    Link
    Hi, I'm paranoid just like you. Over the years I've learned to distrust my internally concocted, contrived narratives where I am conveniently central to every other observed human behavior. With...

    Hi, I'm paranoid just like you. Over the years I've learned to distrust my internally concocted, contrived narratives where I am conveniently central to every other observed human behavior. With mindfulness I've been able to identify these cascades of negativity and redirect them toward useful ends. Otherwise I become increasingly anxious and my blood pressure goes out of control. Paranoia is a human vulnerability that gives way to conspiratorial and magical thinking, 99% of which is either false or unhelpful. I think that generally characterizes your concerns here. All I needed to see was this comment:

    But, when I got closer to the bench she was sitting on, she looked up and saw me. Then she got up from the bench and walked away. I was still a good distance away.

    Your problem is that you focused on every single worst-case scenario explanation rather than average or best cases, whether or not your concern is even justified. Here's an average case possibility: she had to take a shit really bad, was already holding it in, and knew if you came by and talked to her that she may shit her pants in front of you. It's doubtful she wants to shit her pants in front of anyone, hence why you are not really central to her presumed reaction. She may have forgotten something. Maybe she just didn't feel like talking to anyone in that brief moment for whatever reason. In the worst case that she's suddenly decided she doesn't want to talk to you anymore (I doubt that), then let her. You don't want to be around someone who doesn't want to be around you, whether it's for a moment or indefinitely.

    Go about things casually. Wait for her to talk to you—actually, instead of listening to music, make it easy for her to talk to you. If you are obviously open to communication, and she chooses not to talk to you, then you need to respect her space. But if she does talk to you, ask her out ASAP before you grow any more emotionally invested than you already are. If the feelings aren't mutual, you need to know soon, because you do not want to mope around for the next couple months when we all know there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

    10 votes
    1. msnspk
      Link Parent
      I've never felt so insulted and enlightened at the same time, but that's how I know your message is a valid one. Thank you.

      I've never felt so insulted and enlightened at the same time, but that's how I know your message is a valid one. Thank you.

      2 votes
  5. Sahasrahla
    Link
    When I was in university there was a friend of a friend who would often see me around campus and say hi and I'd always ignore her. She was obviously insulted but I was surprised to learn about...

    When I was in university there was a friend of a friend who would often see me around campus and say hi and I'd always ignore her. She was obviously insulted but I was surprised to learn about this when my friend mentioned it to me because I honestly hadn't seen or heard her any of those times. Even if it was clear in her mind that I did see her and intentionally snubbed her the reality of it was that it was an honest mistake. I got her some chocolates at Christmas to apologize but I kept unintentionally ignoring her. (Actually, I remember one time I did see her when she said hi. She just sort of glared at me and mumbled my name. My impression was instead of trying harder to get my attention so that we could actually say hi to each other she just expected to be ignored so she didn't really bother with anything more than a token attempt.)

    Point is, unless you want your life to turn into an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm don't assume the worst from ambiguous situations and then act on those assumptions. It's self-defeating.

    6 votes